Monday, August 19, 2013

4th anniversay

One thought can has ONLY been four years. It seems so very long since I have seen taylor walk through the door and say "Hello, family I am home" and then give me that famous smirky little grin. Then other times I can think, it ALREADY has been 4 years. It seems just like yesterday that I got that dreaded phone call on a hot summer night where my life has never been the same since. I can remember every single detail just like it was yesterday. This week is always a hard time, because as each day dawns I remember what we were doing 4 years ago. I go through my day looking at the clock and thinking what was happening 4 years ago. I am sure that many of his close friends also were remembering back to that hot summer evening that went terribly wrong. I had one of his friend's call and we talked a half hour of so just of memories, but he not only wanted to talk about memories, he also wanted to know just how I was doing, how was  I coping....and that always leads the conversation into the presence of God and all His mercy and compassion. I got several cards from his friends who had remembered the exact day. That will always touch my heart, when I know he still lives on in their memories. On the 16th I would keep looking at the clock remembering that long quiet horrible ride back from Illinois. All that kept running through my head at that time was How can this possibly be true, and how will we ever get through the horror that will follow this week. This is where the prayers of everybody that knows and loves you are praying without ceasing, because at this point we are so far in the depths of shock and disbelief our brains cant even put thoughts together to pray. When we did finally arrive back  home we were so very exhausted and it didn't help that we slept little if any the night before. The whole yard was filled with cars,  all I really wanted to do was crawl upstairs to bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there until Jesus came back. That was all 4 years ago, and like I said, every memory is crystal clear, but also the memory of how God held me and carried me through it all is also crystal clear. Back to the present time...Friday afternoon, I went to Wooster to get balloons for the kids to let go out at the cemetery later in the evening. It was a beautiful night, one just like Taylor would have loved, sunny, slightly breezy and warm. Us and Max's and their families when out about 6:30. First, we all walked around looking at different people's graves, but slowly one by one we found our way back to Taylor's. We all just stood there remembering 4 years ago. We did, though, something a little different this year...we all told of memories we had of Taylor. Most brought a smile or even a chuckle to our hearts, because Taylor was one with a lot of action, some good and some that ended not so good, but funny for the ones around him. Max was telling a story of when he took Taylor deer hunting. Max said that when a really nice big deer came and stood right in front of Taylor, he got so nervous he could not shoot, Max kept whispering shoot, when taylor got up enough courage to shoot... the deer had seen them by this time and was running away, taylor did end up shooting, but of course he did not get any deer on that outing. But he did get more courage and the next time they went out, he got much more brave and shot sooner, but max said this time about 12 deer were out in shooting range, so one would think taylor would try to shoot the biggest one, but not taylor, he shoots bambi, a much smaller one. He didn't care, he was just happy he hit one, now he brought meat to the table for dinner. Then after an hour or so, we gave all the kids balloons and had them write anything on them if they wanted. Then as they held the balloons we started to sing "Jesus Loves Me" and then the kids let them go...I have to admit this really touched my heart as we watched those balloon ascend into the heavens and we sang this song which we all truly knew was the heart of our God...He does love us. After we left there, we went out to the accident site. It was all so quiet this night, but as I stood there, I could imagine the night of 4 years ago, the red lights flashing of the ambulance come screeching down the road to help Taylor and all the kids standing there with extreme fear on their faces and in their hearts. Has this changed their hearts, I certainly hope so, at least I know of a few that it has, but God only knows about the rest of them. Some of this friends had visited the site today. There were several bouquet of flowers set out close to the cross, someone had put several little tractors by the cross. I sometimes can get caught up in the "what if's", like what if Taylor could have seen that culvert just 3 seconds earlier could he have gotten the 4wheeler up soon enough and he would have been fine, what it nobody would have been riding on the back of him, was it too heavy to move fast enough to miss the culvert. What if I would have had him go with us to the wedding of my sister out in Illinois, he was home that week on vacation from school, so he could have easily gone with us, what if they would not have laid those two big rock only two weeks before. But I found "what if's" will only give my heart more pain, because I can't change a thing. So, once again I remind myself, God never makes a mistake, Taylor's work and life came to the twelfth hour that night, it was finished. Brooke even said, mom if he would have gone to the wedding with us, you were driving and most likely you would have had an accident and he still would have died, because God was calling him home that night and now you would have to live with that too. I know just how hard some days it is to live with missing Taylor, I can't imagine how hard it would be if I had somehow been in an accident and he died from injuries from that accident. So, rest assured I try to always just know that God's plan is a perfect plan even when it hurts so much you are not even sure you will survive to tell about it. God will sometimes even give me little clues in why He picked Taylor. One of his friends told me that in all the people he has ever met, Taylor is the one person he will always remember, not only because of all that happened he said but because of who he was, his character. That same day, I had another person say, taylor sure touched many lives even though he was so young, there was just something about him. So, did God possibly look down from Heaven and see taylor's heart already belonged to Him, and could also see that Taylor's death would bring other souls to Him, if this is true.. then all the pain of losing him so early in life is worth it...and I am sure after all what Taylor has seen in these last 4 years, he would strongly agree.....and to think some day, we will be face to face with our King and He will answer any questions we will have, He will explain it all to us and I am quite sure, we will say that plan was perfect....but until that day, we live by faith and I do have faith, it was a perfect plan, does it hurt, is it hard....a big resounding YES....but God is my Best Friend and Comforter. 

God of Yesterday, God of Today, God of Tomorrow

I had to think, God is never changing, always the same, but it us who does the moving and changing. April 1st would marked Taylor's 24th birthday. I have to say, I have done a lot of changing in these three in half years. Some days I have moved so close to Jesus I could feel His arms around me, and other times I would have to ask, God where are you...but in all reality, He was always there right beside me, I just had moved away, even when I never intended for that to happen. As I think back over these three years, I realize how much I have changed, my interest and desires are so different now. God grabbed my full attention in a split second and gave me the biggest test of my life. I must say, He never sent me out on the battle field alone, not even for a second, He always went with me and most days He went before me. I, at times thought I would never survive the road of grieving. At one point God gave me the verse Isa: 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. when you walk through the fire, you will not be burnt. The flames will not set you ablaze." This was a promise of God and He did exactly what He said He would do. The flames may have singed me a few times, the water may have gotten up to my waist, but God always came and picked me up and carried me to safety. I have found that it is very possible to be completely devastated, but still feel like you are on a mountain top with Jesus. Even when it felt like my heart was breaking into a million pieces, I have never felt the presence of Jesus more intimately. Is it possible to be on the mountain top with God without going through  fire of a trial...I know that is the time you hang onto God with both hands because you know deep inside of your heart that is the only way you will make it through, so we move very close to Jesus's heart. Why can't we stay there, my heart thirst for that, but we end up rolling down the mountain. I believe God gives us a glimpse of what an intimate relationship with Him feels like, so it will put a fire in our hearts to always want that, but it will never be a continuous mountain top until we are living with Jesus in eternity. My God of yesterday, before the accident, was like a  friend, somebody I would spend time with and talk to, but did not look for Him like one would look for treasures, because we know God has treasures hidden in all different places all through our day. My God of today, the days and months after the accident, God became my very best friend, like I could hardly take a breath without Him being right beside me. Now, I was very alert looking for treasures everywhere I went. Each treasure I found brought Jesus a little bit closer and a little bit more real. My God of tomorrow, which is the present time is a good friend, but I want my relationship of my best friend back, but I don't want the fiery trial that came with it back. So, is it possible to have it all here on earth, or is it heaven thing??
Taylor's birthday this year was more quiet than years past. Spenc was off school, so him and I went out to the site earlier in the day. When we got there, we seen some of his friends already had been there. Flying in the cold wind was a happy birthday balloon tied to the cross and one single red rose in a vase sitting at the bottom of the cross. Spenc and I stood there for awhile looking at the cross and the area around it, thinking this is where in a moment of time our lives all changed and Taylor's last breath was breathed, and the angels came and got him. Usually, Max's family and us go out to the cemetery in the evening to let off balloons and just do alittle remembering of Taylor, but this year just our family went. It was more quiet as we each thought in our own minds of memories of Taylor. I can not help but think about the day he was born. It was cold day, pretty much like this one. I just remember how little he was, but oh so perfect. I remember they brought him into my room after he was all cleaned up, with a cute little green stocking cap on, which green turned out to be his favorite color. I stood there thinking about his childhood, he was a boy that was not scared of much, and loved being outside, and he hated school from the first day I took him to preschool, until the last day he walked out of his college class for the last time, well, I guess he only hated the school work, he loved to socialize with his many friends in school. He really didn't like sports all that well, but thought a good way not to have to do any chores and could spend more time with his buds, so he ran track. I remember one day he had a meet and I did not go, but when he came home, I asked him how he did, and he said I did really good. I said did you win your heat, and he said, oh, no, but there were kids behind me. I had to chuckle, he was so different from Brooke. Then my thoughts went to the day we stood out here in this cemetery around his casket for the last time. It was a hot stormy day, a day not only were there tears flowing from his friends, and of course his family, but those black stormy clouds filled with rain were tears of Jesus crying with us. And finally my thoughts turned to the day in the future, when Christ will be coming through the clouds with ten thousand angel singing the most beautiful songs one could only imagine, and Taylor's grave will open up and his spirit will be reunited with his body, only this time his body will be immortal, and we will all meet Jesus in the air. Oh, what a day of rejoicing that will be!

actually, I found this post that I forgot to post in april, but will go ahead and post it now...better late than never