My journey through grief with God in Control

Changes

2012-02-07T00:18:00.107-05:00

Does life ever catch up to change, or are we always trying to adjust to change? I have come to the conclusion that when life finally does catch up, our work here on earth is done and God is calling us home. Change is one way God moves us closer to Him and makes us more like His Son. Nobody is all that crazy about change, but God will use it for our good. No, I will never totally adjust to the change of Taylor not being with us, but especially through all the Christmas festivities. That is one time of the year that his absence is very keenly felt. This was one change in my life, I was not sure I would survive, but God came right alone beside me and picked me up and carried me many times. My life has never been the same, but God has used his death to touch many people, and some has even given their hearts to Jesus. I will say even for myself, I have moved to a place with God that I never would have found without this terrible tragedy in my life, so yes God has picked up the pieces of my heart and used it for good....just like His promise says Rom 8:28.."God will use ALL thing for the good of those who love Him and been called to His purpose". It still amazes me how fairly often one of his friends will just say to me how much they miss him and think about him. A couple days before Christmas, I went out to the site and I could see that somebody had been there and decorated his cross for Christmas.This has always been a prayer of mine..Please God do not let the kids forget how fragile life is, the young sometimes die seeming way before they should. It does truly make me feel good that they have not forgotten him, no, we never will, but to think these 20 year kids still take time to remember him. He had a great bunch of kids that called him their friend. This being the third Christmas without him, I thought to myself, I feel like we have done a measure of healing, maybe even catching up to change in a small way, but God moved us to the next point of change. On December the 2nd, my dad died on the way to the hospital. He had knee surgery on Oct 17th. We went home to spend time with him and mom. He was in the hospital then to the nursing home for rehap. After a couple of weeks, and he was doing pretty well, we decided to go back home. When I was telling him good bye, and that I was planning on coming back in a month or so, he answered with a statement that was so much more true than I ever dreamed at the time. He said "I will not be here when you come back." I said, "well, where are you going to be?" He says, "I will be in eternity." I said, "in that case, be sure to look Taylor up." He looks at me and smiles and says, "He will be the first one I look up." Little did I know that would be the last words I would say to him. On December the 2nd early in the morning, I get a call from my sister saying they are taking dad to the hospital, he is bleeding internally. Then about 15 minutes later, I get a tex from my brother saying, dad did not make it to the hospital. It was early in the morning, so I just laid in bed and tried to imagine just what all dad was experiencing. He just finish his very last battle, he just laid all his armor down and was on his way to see Jesus and Taylor. Just what would that be like!!! I had to think, was Taylor standing on the shores of heaven, right behind Jesus waiting to give his grandpa a big hug. I could not help but feel just alittle bit jealous of dad, he was on his way where I have thought about so very often since Taylor's accident.
After, a few minutes, it really hit me, I never got to say "good bye" to my dad either. I was remembering when Taylor died, I was 7 hours away, out at mom and dad's, and when dad died, I was again 7 hours away. So, again we had to make that long seven hour drive to say "good bye" to somebody we loved. We had to help mom make the arrangements, at times it brought back so many memories, I could hardly take it. I was not sure I would be able to go into the casket room to pick one out for dad, but decided God would help me fight my fears. I went in, and did pretty well, until I came around the corner and seen the exact casket that we picked for Taylor. At this point, the memories came pouring back, almost like we were standing once again at Gillmans'. I found that, yes the memories can bring tears and sadness, but they were not overwhelming and all consuming like they once were, but with the power of God's Grace I was doing fairly well. There is always that first terrible moment when you see them in the casket. It is almost like your eyes are playing tricks on you, and your mind wants to keep saying this is not true. But after that terrible first moment, my eyes settled on dad's face, and my mind went to thinking once again.. dad, what are you seeing right now...Was Jesus the first one you seen, is Taylor with you...was he glad to see you...is it more beautiful than any eye has ever seen, what is the singing like. These are all questions as of yet, but someday the veil will be lifted and I will for myself. What a glorious day that will be. For the funeral, we were trying to decide if we wanted to have them sing "Amazing Grace when they wheeled dad out of the church, this would have been the same song we had for Taylor. Was this too much for us, would the memories at this point be too overwhelming, plus this is final time before we go to the cemetery, or would it be a comfort, it is a beautiful song, and the words fit perfectly, that is exactly how each of us will ever get to heaven..God's Amazing Grace. This song has helped me through some really rough times, but there are some really painful memories wrapped up in it too. As we talked about it, we decided that the comfort of that song out weighed the pain...at least we hoped it would when the time came. The time always comes, which we all dread the most, time to say our final "good bye" to dad here on earth. It always feels like part of my heart is being ripped out. I guess, in a way that is true. Each one that I love dies takes a part of my heart with them. I will never understand how a person that does not know Jesus gets through death of a person they love, or worse if that person did not even know Jesus...now that would truly be mourning without hope. The service was very nice, well what I can remember of it, but I do remember very clearly when Marvin stood up and said, "now we will have the choir sing Amazing Grace, the same song that Leroy's grandson, Taylor was escorted out on in 2009." Well, did we make it out without tears....not even a little bit...but was glad to say that we did all make it out still standing. That was alot more painful than I imagined, but at the same time very comforting.
As we all know, life here on earth was never to be all fun and games, but God is maturing us day by day. Some storms are like little thunder storms, light rains alittle wind, but other storms, can be bright lightening, hail and hard pounding rains and some can be devastating tornadoes and flatten everything. At times I can feel like I am in those types of storms. Sometimes I can feel like the disciples in the boat when that big storm came upon them, and the boat was rocking from side to side and they thought they were going to drown. Peter sees Jesus and gets out of the boat and starts to walk on water toward Jesus. Peter was fine walking on water as long as he kept his eyes focused on Jesus, but as soon as he looked at the crashing waves coming his way, he lost focus of Jesus and started to drown. I had to think that is exactly the way I am. I have often felt like I was in a boat being tossed from side to side and very soon the boat is going to capsize and I am going overboard, and probably most likely drown. In the misted of a storm, as I am looking frantically around for something to hang onto, but when my eyes lock with Jesus, I feel myself calming down, and starting to feel safe. I can even start to climb out of the boat, because I don't even notice the waves all around me, as long as I keep my focus on Jesus. But why is it I can not keep my focus there, but out of the corner of my eye, I start to see this danger, another big waves is moving closer and about to knock me completely flat. I take my eyes off Jesus to take a better look at this wave (my circumstances), and I start to feel this fear, panic again, because this wave is heading right for me and it is huge...now my eyes are completely off Jesus and onto the wave (circumstances,) then like Peter I start to go under.... Jesus in His compassion and mercy reaches out his arms and just picks me up and holds me, and will whisper in my ear...You of little faith. If only I could keep my focus on Jesus, no matter the size of the waves, fear would never win. What a God we serve, What an awesome God.

Brooke's wedding day

2011-11-18T13:56:00.000-05:00

Brooke's wedding was July 30th. I prayed so hard that God would be so present on this day...also, who wants to enter marriage without God being the most important Guest there, but also, I knew it was going to be an emotional day. A day where family is suppose to be all together to celebrate a very happy occasion, but Tay was not going to be there. God answered my prayers, God was there and very present and I do think He brought a little of Taylor with him. It was suppose to be a stormy and rainy weekend, but guess what God gave us instead..ya sunny skies. We had a lot of people that were going to be traveling from many different states....all arrived and got back home safely. The only mishap was BJ's mom gave her sister her car keys for safe keeping, and forgot to get them back from her sister before the sister left and flew back to CA. So, BJ's mom was stuck in Seville with her keys in CA, but God worked it all out in a day or so.
Spencer and Mark were ushers..and if I say so myself, they both looked rather handsome, but I could not keep myself from thinking, Tay should be there ushering with Spenc. My mind went back 6 years ago when one of Warren's daughter's got married and she asked Taylor to usher. He was so excited to look so important all dressed up in a tux, he did not care he did not have a clue how to usher..that people actually do have specific places to be seated. In fact, when the church was getting full, and he did not know where to put the later comers, he forgot and put them where grandma and grandpa were suppose to sit.
I prayed that in some way, maybe God would just let me feel Taylor's presence ...I sometimes wonder does God ever let the ones that are so much a part of us, look down on happy occasions---I believe He does.... God did plant little things into our hearts and minds that we could do to "bring" Taylor into the wedding with us. This was not a memorial for Taylor, but a celebration of two hearts that God had brought together 5 years ago. We put a picture of Taylor along side a burning yellow candle up on the alter. It burned off to the side of the unity candle. As I sat on that front bench watching Brooke and BJ's repeating their vows, I could also see Taylor's face smiling back at me....it just made it feel like he was present in spirit with us. Brooke had decided to carry a single sunflower tucked into her wedding bouquet in memory of Taylor...that was his favorite flower. She also picked the sunflower to give to the mothers. When she came over and hugged me and handed me the sunflower....a few tears could not help but run down my cheeks. As I watched Spenc and others "decorate" their vehicle, I again thought how Taylor would have loved that...He was always one filled with ideas to play tricks on others. Yes, there were moments when my mind and heart could not help but feel his loss, but I must say with a grateful heart...God blessed the day and there were many, many happy moments and memories. Brooke's husband is a deeply spiritual man, and for that I am very thankful...don't we all pray that our kids will marry a guy/girl that loves the Lord with all of their hearts. The one thing I didn't pray for was that he would be in the navy. That sounded like they would not be living in Ohio...since there is not much water close by...if they would have said a rainy state...ohio would have been in the top three...so that was going to mean they will either be on the west coast or east. God would give me time to adjust to that thought, since BJ is in training in Chicago and Brooke is living at home working and finishing her masters program, but then what?? I must admit I have had a really hard time with this. I kept wanting to pray that God would in some way take BJ out of this program, which is a very dangerous one. I kept thinking can Brooke, or for that matter any of us take the stress of always wondering where he is, is he ok..will he come back in one piece or even will his personality be the same or will it be totally different..will they have taught him to completely emotionally detach from any situation. I kept thinking..God just what are you trying to teach us...in fact I wanted to whine alittle and just say...didn't we learn enough hard lessons with losing Taylor, but I found that when I would try to pray my "will" God would very quietly whisperd in my ear..."Don't you trust Me to know what is best." I stressed many days, looking at once again all that could possibly be taken away. Brooke could be living 1,000's of miles away, grandkids that I could possibly only see once a year, but God just kept whispering in my ear.."Trust Me." I was pretty much like Moses, I could come up with a hundred excuses why I really did not think this is the best place for BJ and Brooke, it all looked so stressful and hard, would any of us be able to get through another death, so please God can you help me out here. All God kept saying was "Trust Me". I knew if I was ever going to have that indescribable peace in my heart about this, that was exactly what I was going to have to do...surrender it all to God. So, I did what Jeremiah 29:13-14 says.." You will seek and find Me when you will seek Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, Declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity." That was when I could finally say..God I know You will do what is best for each of us..Yes, I trust You. No, I don't know what the next step is for them, but God is in our tomorrow and He does. I have found over and over happiness and joy have not much in common. Happiness is fleeing, it goes and comes with circumstances, joy can be long lasting and has nothing to do with circumstances, it is all within the heart where God is found.

Passing more Landmarks

2011-09-19T13:04:00.005-04:00

It has been a long time since I have visited this blog site..is it because it brings back so many terrible memories, or have I healed enough that I don't feel the need to journal as much? I would probably have to answer that question with yes to both options. We have gone through several more landmarks since I have blogged last. I have heard some say the second year is even harder than the first, but I am happy to say I do not feel this way. That first year and all the landmarks that went with it was heart wrenching and very painful, not saying this second year is easy, but I seem to have more good days than bad...or maybe I should say the pain went from acute to an intense longing. I long for the day to be reunited with Taylor, and of course that means, I will also be in the presence with our Great Master and King.
We pasted the second anniversary of Tay's death..Aug 16th. This is such a different feeling than celebrating his birthday. They are both hard, but in different ways...his birthday, I find myself thinking about the day he was born, and his life, all the things he enjoyed, his personality, his smile, what he would have been like today, would he soon be getting married, but his death date is all about that terrible week. I find myself thinking about what the week before was like, all the conversations I had with him, the things I did with him and then what I was doing that day...how happy we were at Dawn's wedding, just being all together, then came the call that changed my life forever. That was all bad enough, but then the next week is engraved in my mind forever. I must also say, yes the memories of that week are filled with horror memories, but also, it was a time in my life that I have never felt God so close...I could almost feel His arms physically around me holding me up. I have often thought, where would I have been today if I did not know Jesus. would I have just became a shell walking around, would I have become addicted to pills, pills to get up, pills to go to sleep. I am not saying it is easy by any means, but God provides just enough Grace for each day...some days I need alot to get through and others not as much.
I guess, I sorta thought that his friends would maybe.. not forget.., but move on and this would all be a terrible memory, but several came to see me around the anniversary date, and we just talked about Taylor, some were funny memories, some were really sad memories. Some wrote memories on his facebook page, which i find myself really liking...I find out things about his personality that I never seen as clearly as his friends did . Us and Max's family went out to the cemetery to spend some time remembering. Max had a prayer that touched each of our hearts. We let off balloons, we all just watched them drifting off to heaven, some went really fast..straight up and out of sight quickly, others just drifted slowly upward. I had to think that is sorta the way we are, some have a direct focus..all we want to do is get there as quickly as possible, others have the same focus, want to get to heaven, but if it takes alittle more time that is fine too. A few of his friends came out to the cemetery too, we really did not give a special invitation to anyone, but some of his friends just drifted out there on this terrible day, just to remember the friend they had lost two years ago. It did make me feel really good that they came out to remember tay...he isn't forgotten in the hearts of his friends, but lives on. This year was different from last year besides it being the second year instead of the first...his tombstone was up. It just made it all so very real....this is our reality..his smiling face looking back at us...his name and birthday engraved in stone, then under that, the date of his death. Almost every time I read the poem we found to put on the back of his stone, it brings tears to my eyes...as soon as we seen this poem, we knew this was the one to put on...it fits so perfectly, almost like it was written for his tragedy. On this anniversary, I did get several cards that said they were thinking and praying for us...it always brings a smile to my heart when somebody tells me they are praying for us...because I know that is the one things that will absolutely carry me through the bad days and also bring the sun out on the good days. I even had the courage to go back and open up and read some of cards that were sent to us during those very hard days. Was it encouraging....I don't know for sure, the one thing I do know is it brought tears and a lot of memories back...but it also brought the thought hundreds and hundreds of people were praying for us and I do have to say God did speak very clearly through some of the messages written.....so I guess it did bring some type of encouragement.
Another event that we passed for the second time was the fair. Fair time is very bittersweet for me. Taylor loved the fair, he could hardly wait for it to come each year and when it did, he spent every spare moment there. His most favorite part was on Monday afternoons when they had the county tractor pull. He would invite all his friends to come and watch..whether they liked the pull or just wanted to support Tay, alot of them would show up and sit in the grandstand...when Tay would get up to the starting line they would all yell, scream, and whistle as loud as they could. The funny part was, it did not matter if Tay did well or not, they acted like he won the race. I can see him as clear as if it was yesterday, sitting there in line on his tractor with his favorite white cap on, trying not to look nervous waiting in line for his name to be called. I have videos of his pulls, but as of yet, I have not found the strength or courage to watch them...maybe some day. I have found it is just much easier not to go to the fair on those Mondays....I have never watched another pull, but just hearing them call out the names and the length of the pulls is just too much of a reminder what I have lost, so I pick a different day for the fair.
There was one more very big occasion where Tay's absent was very acutely felt and that was on July 30, Brooke's wedding day. I will make that another post.
Would I say that time heals wounds? I would say more that time puts a scab over the wound, but it never completely heals, there are occasions and moments where that scab gets ripped open some, and it bleeds...the time when it will be completely healed with not even a scar will be the day I meet him on heaven's shores.
I will end with a couple of quotes that I thought had a lot of meat to them, if you take a few minutes to think on it

"Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a course of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead"

The one that really touched my heart is this one "Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing, but to turn it into His Glory

Another Birthday--2011--22nd birthday

2011-04-13T23:12:00.003-04:00

Once again the change of seasons are upon us----what does that mean, well, it means it is once again Taylor's birthday. He would have been 22-I had to think, just what would he have been doing, where would he have been working, what changes would I have seen in him as he was maturing from a boy into a young man. We didn't know quite what to do this year for his birthday, but just knew we wanted something much quieter than last year. We decided to just get balloons and ask Max's family to meet us at the cemetery to let them off and just do some reflecting on the past year. We all said happy birthday, Taylor, as we each let our balloon go off towards heaven, then later went over to Max's. Max's all left as us four just stood there around Taylor's grave all lost in our own thoughts. My thought first went to that hot, humid afternoon as some stood, while others knelt around his casket for the last time, feeling like our hearts had just been ripped out of our chest and all that was left was a big empty hole- and feeling like would we even make it until the next moment. It has been 20 months since that afternoon, but it was amazing how I could feel every emotion as intensely as if it was that very day. As I stood there looking at his picture, I had to think, just what are you doing today, Taylor? Birthdays mean nothing to you now, time is of no essence-one day is as beautiful as the next, no more sorrow, pain, tears, but instead spending time with Jesus!!! My mind slipped back to what Ron said at Taylor's funeral,--the death of Taylor is like an amputation--as I though more on this, I realized just how true this is. One day earlier that week I was listening on WCRF to a couple who lost their only son, who was five in an accident--and a friend said to him, don't let any one tell you that you will get over this in time, because you won't, but you will learn to live a new normal, then he used the same analogy as Ron, this is like an amputation. It is so true, I will never get over this-like I would never get "over" if my leg was amputated. I would be reminded in every step I took, that something was missing-my leg. Yes, I can lived a fairly normal life with only one leg, but I will never run and jump again. I am trying to learn to live with the "amputation" but must say some days all I can think about is how would it feel to have my "leg" back again. Maybe it is harder right now, because of his birthday and also we have picked out his tombstone. Going picking it out, was once again reality slapping me in the face. When I was standing there looking at these tombstones and trying to imagine what Taylor's name written big across the top and his smiling face etched in stone would actually look like. The thought would keep running through my mind--this can't be true, can't this be a nightmare that I can soon wake up from. The guy just called me today, to say that the drawing is finished and we can come view it before they etch it in the stone---I had to think this is the very last thing we will ever buy for Taylor, my heart just aches thinking about that--but again, I am feeling sorry for my losses, Taylor is safely home. It just has been a hard several weeks. Jeff was out in the garage cleaning up one of the fourwheelers the boys had several years earlier. He had me come out to see how great it looked after he took the time to wash it and paint it up to get ready to sell. As I stood there looking at it, so many memories ran through my mind--like when spencer and taylor would ride this one around the yard, laughing and chasing each other. I even got brave enough to ride on the back of it with them sometimes. They had so much fun trying to scare me to death going over jumps and around curves really fast---i have to admit, it worked it did scare me, but the more, I would squeeze my arms around their waist and scream in their ears to slow down, they would only go faster, laughing all the way. At times like these, I just want to scream ---I don't want this to be true, I want my old normal back, I don't like this new normal that I am forced to live in, but I realize I can only visit this place I can not stay here, or satan will have me right where he wants me--beaten up and destroyed. I realize that satan likes nothing more than to knock me completely flat and I must admit some days he does just that, but Jesus will always come along and pick me up, brush me off, bind up the wounds that satan has caused. I love the thought that satan can not do anything to me unless he goes ask Jesus permission. Jesus will not grant satan permission to do anything that can't be used for God's Glory and me good---but of course that last part I have a choice in---"get better or get bitter".

Life is Full of Changes

2011-02-14T22:26:00.003-05:00

Winter soon will be drawing to a close and spring will be bring new life once again. As much as I like spring, it also brings Taylor's birthday. Not that I don't like his birthday, it can bring alot of great memories, but also some really sad ones. I can hardly believe he would have been 22, but actually in my mind he will be forever 20. He will always have that young face, with that famous grin on it. I often wonder just what would he have been doing by now--he would have graduated college, but then I remind myself, he does not have to worry about any of that, his days are filled with pure perfection in everywhere he goes and everything he does. I had a dream about Taylor the other night and I was not sure what it meant, if anything. It just kept sticking in my mind, was it satan trying to play games with my mind and heart, which is what it felt like. I also know playing any games with satan, I will most certainly lose-I can only be on the winning side with Jesus as my shield. I know my best defense is prayer, so that is exactly what I did. I am a person of signs....i often pray that God will direct me through "signs". I don't usually pray for specific signs, just something clear that I know without a doubt that He is talking to me. I was praying He would give me a peace about this dream if it was just satan's plan to pull me down into the "pits". I had nothing in mind, but knew He would speak something in someway, but didn't know when or how. As we were standing in church singing the praise songs before the service, they finish with the last song--Amazing Grace--(I am sure this was no accident) At first all I could focus on was all the memories of the funeral and Taylor being wheeled down the aisle at church for the last time on this song, but about half way through the song, God whispers in my ear, " this is the answer to your prayer, remember how I have spoken to you through this song from the very beginning, always letting you know I am right beside you- and this time is no different, I am right here and yes, it was just a dream, ---Don't let satan win the battle in getting grips on your peace." By this time tears were streaming down my cheeks, the song brought back so many memories, but the one I like to hold on to the most is that God has spoken so clearly through this song of His presence and comfort. How true is this--To have God on our side doesn't mean sailing on a boat without any storms--it means having a boat no storm can sink.

Life is full of changes---some are small which will make very little difference, and then there are some that are life changing. Brooke and BJ announced their engagement a few days after Christmas. They plan to get married this summer. Yes, I am happy for her, but I would be lying if I said I am not also some what sad. We were always close, but since Taylor's accident, we have tried to make every minute count, because like we so quickly found out--you can be here one minute and gone the next....sometimes no time to even say good-bye. BJ right now is in the navy and by this fall his four year tour will be up, but he is deciding if he is going to re-enlist into the special forces, which would make it another six years and they will be either stationed on the east coast (Virginia) or west coast (CA). My first gut reaction is, God, no-no--You can't take her away, not that far---that is going to make another big hole in the family--no, nothing comparable to Taylor, but still a very sizable whole-- just how often will we get to see her, if they are in CA. I have often prayed that God would provide deeply spiritual spouses for my kids, and He did answer that prayer, but not quite like I thought, but isn't that just God---I have found that God seldom if ever answers my prayers like I expect, or alot of times would have liked, but have found that in the end, it was a much better way---so again, I am praying this is the case. I lean very heavily on the verses Prov. 3:5-6 which says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding: in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." When they first got engaged, I didn't do so well, I found myself often thinking what is this going to be like, with her 3,000 miles away, and my prayer became self-centered--I found myself praying--please God just make it so they can live around here, maybe like he will flunk all the test to get into the special forces. Then one night as i was praying, God quietly whispered in my ear, let Me handle this, just put it all in My hands---surrender your will to Me---so that is exactly what I did, well, lets say i am trying to do just that. Not only will I miss her terribly, but if he makes it into the special forces, it will extremely dangerous, and my thoughts often drift to how Brooke knows all about death and how devastating it is---how would she ever survive another one that was that close to her. I could feel myself starting to let satan use his most favorite tools, fear, worry and anxiety. I knew I could nothing to change all the "what if's", and so like the many times before where did I find peace----surrendering it all into God's hands. Whether God allows him to be in the forces or whether he flunks the tests---I know God will do what is best for each of us, and yes, there may be some hard times, but God promises to be with us and take care of all our needs---I hang onto each and every one of God's promises. I heard this somewhere and thought how true it is--God closes doors no man can open & God can open doors no man can close. Like God has told us, don't worry about tomorrow, it has enough worries all of its' own,---but also God told us He is already in our tomorrows just like the verse Det.31:81 says "The Lord himself goes before me and will be with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged." I am so thankful that we all rest in the palms of Jesus's hands, because if I was to do this all on my own, I would be consumed by everything but peace.

Christmas 2010

2010-12-20T14:16:00.006-05:00

Christmas, the birth of our Jesus-who chose to leave the realms of heaven to come to this sin- sick world. Diane and I were just talking, what do you think heaven was like when Jesus left?--He most likely left with all the angels singing Holy, Holy, Holy and most certainly a huge hole was left when He was gone. Jesus leaves heaven with the angels singing and Glorifying His name to later hearing Crucify Him, Crucify Him here on earth. His love for us is so great that He still choose to come to earth to save us sick and sinful souls. I try to keep that vision in mind this time at Christmas, how God's plan was being fulfilled and brought to life, but must admit, Christmas is still a very hard time of year.

I am healing slowly, and do not need to write as often, which is a good thing--but writing some how helps me put my thoughts into perceptive. I can start with my focus on myself--feeling sorry for myself, and end with my focus back on our Great God where my strength is found.

Since Taylor has died, none of us go into or even spend very much time in his bedroom. It is just too hard to see all his clothes in the closet, all this personal stuff on his dresser, his underwear in the dresser drawers, so we just made it easy on ourselves and don't go in there much. Spencer and Taylor did share a room, so it did make it harder for Spenc. But when Spenc started Christmas break, he said, Mom do you care if I change my room around. In my heart, I knew that was a step in healing for Spenc, but at the same time, I just wanted it to stay the same---As painful as I knew it would be, to move Taylor's stuff and put it away, I wanted to help Spenc to move to the next step of healing, so that evening Jeff and Spenc moved the furniture all around, as they got done moving everything, Spenc looked at me and asked what should I do with Taylor's stuff, we just stood there staring at all Tay's things, all lost in our own thoughts, memories for each little item sitting on his dresser. There hanging on a hook was Taylor's first hat that he wore until it was in threads, but he loved it and wore it everywhere as a little boy. It became so much a part of him, we had to keep it---so we hung it in his room--there was his first baseball mitt hanging beside the hat. That was also something we had to keep, I don't think that mitt ever seen a ball---Tay was so cute out on those baseball fields when he was a little boy, but couldn't catch a thing-- but could run as fast as lighting. Then Spenc opened the dresser drawers where all Tay's underwear and t-shirts were--ya, the ones I washed a thousand times and he asks what should I do with these. I could have melted to the floor in tears, but thought that is not going to make this any easier for me or Spenc. We did end up moving some of the things that were Tay's, but we could not get enough energy to clean out all of his drawers yet. By the time we were done, the room looked totally different. Part of me was really sad and could have collasped into tears because it felt like we were "putting" Tay away and moving on to the next phase of life, but yes, in my heart I knew, it is only a room, and he will be forever in my heart, I will never "put" him away. I have to say, dealing with Tay's things and Christmas approaching was getting to me.---I was feeling like I was fighting a losing battle, slipping deeper and deeper into sadness and despair, so I decided to open a devotional book from Max Lucado that someone so kindly gave me a couple of months ago. I wanted God to come and throw me a life line, or to come and hold me awhile, to come and bring His Amazing Grace, just anything to help me through the day. I wanted to feel God's closeness to me, to see His faithfulness once again, I knew God knew exactly where I was and how I was feeling, and that I needed His help. So after saying a little prayer, I just opened the devotional book, and it opened to the page that was titled "God Knows What's Best"---i knew He would show up, I had to even smile a little through the tears---He is so faithful, and does meet all of our needs. It started out with the verse Proverbs 3:5 "Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding"---I thought how fitting for me this very day, I was trusting on my own feelings, well I don't know about trusting, but lost in my own well of sorrow--thinking another Christmas without Taylor---then it went on to say "The problem with this world is that it doesn't fit. Oh, it will do for now, but it isn't TAILOR -made." I thought WOW, God even used Taylor's name to get my attention, so He had my full attention now, what was God going to tell me today. It went on to say "We were made to live with God, but on earth we live by faith. We were made to live forever, but on this earth we live but for a moment" So God is saying, Yes, you will live with me, but you must live by faith until that day, and it will be just a moment in time compared to eternity---then it went on to say " We must trust God. We must trust not only that He does what is BEST but that He KNOWS what is ahead. It says in Isaiah 57:1-2 that good men perish, the godly die before their time---no one seems to realize that God is taking them away from the evil days ahead. For the godly who die shall rest in peace." God is once again, so kindly telling me---He KNEW what was BEST for Tay, even on bad days, when my heart is breaking from missing him almost unbearably, I need to gather up every ounce of faith that is in my body and remember and believe with all my heart this to be true, because we all know God is unable to lie--God knows what He is doing !---it goes on to say "what a thought, God is taking them away from the evil days ahead. Could death be God's grace? Could the funeral wreath be God's safety ring? As horrible as the grave may be, could it be God's protection from the future". Could God be telling me, that yes, I know you are hurting from losing Tay, but try to believe that I took him that hot and humid August night because I wanted to protect him from the evil days that lie ahead. Tay was a type of kid that was more of a follower than a leader, so perhaps God wanted to save him from terrible things, or maybe the days ahead are going to be so terrible that death was truly God's safety ring for Tay. By the time I was done with this devotion, that I am sure God hand picked for me that day, i could once again feel the peace of God. I have come to realized that the peace of God is not at all attached to circumstances, that is happiness which comes and goes with what is happening around you, but the peace and joy of God is when I have surrendered complete control of every corner of my heart and know God knows Best and will do what is Best, even in the mist of the darkest days. Like somebody just said, you do all your learning in the valley's, never on the mountain tops.

So, ya, Christmas is in just a few days, and yes, there are some really hard moments, it is not just Christmas day when we are all together as a family, but it starts way back when we put up the tree and hung the stockings up--yes, we put his up right along with the rest--and buying the gifts---I would often stop and think, just what would Taylor have liked this year, would he have wanted something for his 4 wheeler, or maybe a new gun, never any clothes on his Christmas list, that was not a gift in his eyes. I was talking to Brooke and we both said, as the season began we both felt pretty strong, but as the season continued on toward Christmas we got more and more weary and it became harder and harder. No, there is nothing easy about these streets of grieving, but God does and will continue to kindly bring us along with Him each and every day. God knows our pain, but He also said this is not our home, only a journey, but in our pain, God is there. It reminds me like what somebody once said--"there is a window in our hearts through which we see God. Most of the time, thankfully that window is clear and our vision of God is crisp, but sometimes out of no where a pebble hits the window and cracks it. (The pebble is a deep unexpected pain or fiery trial). Suddenly God is not so easily seen--that view that was so crisp and clear and easy to see is now changed. Now I have to look much harder and deeper and closer to see God, and sometimes as hard as I try to look to see Him all I can see is the crack. In those times, I just have to trust in my heart that God is still there and closer than I ever dreamed. For example, within the last week, i have opened up my bible to the same chapter, and read the same verse Eph. 3:18 "may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge---that you many be filled with the measure of all the fullness of God." So, even if I can't see or feel God on some of the darkest days, I just know He is there and loves me more than I can ever understand and that is a comfort all in itself. Merry Christmas to all and I thank each one of you that has continued to pray for us--it has made me a true believer that prayer has great power and does touch the heart of God!

Thanksgiving 2010

2010-11-22T14:18:00.008-05:00

I dreaded the holidays so much last year and here they are again. Time does move on whether we want it to or not. As I think back to what I was feeling last year at this time and how I feel today--God has definitely done some healing in my heart. I am not going to lie, holidays are hard and probably will be for a long time. In this last year, God has carried me many, many times, but He also has given me times when He told me--yes, you can walk, I will be right here beside you. I realized God is not going to take the pain away, at least for a long time, but in all that time He wants me to continue to Glorify His name---some days that can be so easy, but on other days, I just want to focus on me and my hurt.
The summer when this all happened, I was praying--God for some reason, I am getting the feeling that I am to go back to school to become a massage therapist, not knowing what all that would entail. I continued to pray if that was what He wanted He would open doors, and if even one door closed I would take it as it was not to be. So, everything just fell into place, just as if God was just one step in front of me taking care of every detail. I was excited and scared all at the same time, because I could not even remember the last time I had to study more than a few hours at one time. So, as July rolled around of 2009, I was all enrolled and planning on starting in September of 2009. On August 16th, God changed my life forever---this was definitely not in my cards that I was holding, but God took those cards and replaced them with His cards. As i was there trying to hold those shattered cards, school was the furthest thing from my mind. As I started to pick up my cards and put the pieces back together in some sorta of way, I realized that I had orientation for school on the 9th of September, and school was to start almost exactly one month after Taylor's accident. I was still praying---God what am I to do, did I actually get this all wrong, was that not You opening all the doors and giving me the peace that I was going in the direction You were guiding---I remember praying saying--You surely don't want me to go now, You know I can't do this---I am so confused. In my praying, I still would continue to get the answer that this still what God wanted me to do---so I decided to go to the orientation. As I sat through that, I thought, I can't do this---my mind was so consumed with grief, I barely knew where I was. I also looked around at the other people there and knew I just wouldn't fit in. I came home, praying, God I am just too tired and sad to even think about this, I must have made a mistake in thinking that is what you wanted me to do, but something deep inside kept saying, no, that is what I want you to do. These classes where on Friday and Saturday, and I really didn't want to do the weekends, so thought if God really wanted me to do this, He would work some other days out. So, I e-mailed the advisor and told her I would not be coming to those classes, but if they ever have classed through the week, let me know--thinking I was off the hook. A couple of weeks later, she e-mailed back and said they were starting a new class in January and this time it was going to be on Wednesday and Thursday and going to be a much smaller class. As I sat there reading that email, I couldn't believe it---thinking God do you really want me to do this, You do remember I am in this terrible journey of grief, I don't think I can----but a little voice was saying, You are right, you can't, but I can. So, I signed up again for the orientation in January of 2010. As it goes with asking people in what they thought I should do, some would say, oh ya, give it a try, or others would say, oh, it is way too soon----in my heart, I would like to have agreed with the ones that said, oh, that is way too soon, but knew God was trying to have me step way out of my comfort zone---way out. This was something i didn't feel ready or able to even think about let alone do. I got up that cold Friday morning and went to orientation. Of course I was praying all through these weeks, that if this is really what God wanted that He would prepare the class for me and me for the class. He did just that, the class was much smaller and most were around my age and felt like perhaps I could fit in. I had one week to decide if I was going ahead with classes or going to withdraw. The feeling just stuck --this is what I want for you-, even though on that first morning I would have given anything to just stay in bed and pull the covers over my head and say, I can't do this. I have to say,-- no, nothing was easy about it---I was still in deep grieving, the textbooks were huge. As I looked through the anatomy book, it almost looked like a foreign language--the only thing that was looking good was the people, they were friendly. For some strange reason, it was sorta a comfort that nobody knew one thing about me----nobody knew a thing about my past, maybe it was a small escape in some way---I could pretend I was "normal". That first quarter was so hard--studying was brutal, some days I would cry almost all the way to school. Two separate times I came home and thought, God, I think I made a mistake here, I just can't handle this terrible grief and all the studying, I just want to quit. I am the type of person that likes signs from God, so each time I would pray for a sign. It was like God was saying how many times do I have to tell you this, --I want you right here for now--so He would so graciously give me just the sign I was asking for if I was to stay. So, I would say to myself, Ok, I will stay one more week. As I look back, I see now, it was good for me, even though at times it was extremely hard trying to get through each day and studying for huge tests, it did help me on some days to focus on something other than all my losses. I tried to pray each day before class that God would prepare me for the class and the class for me. I also prayed that I could be a "light" for God, that they would just know something was different in me---no, most are not Christians---One day, this one guy for some reason started going around the room and asking each of us if we went to church, and most said no, and one said, sometimes, and when he got to me, I said yes I do, and he says every Sunday, and I said yes, and I am in a bible study too, and he looked at me and sorta sighed and said, I use to go, and I really liked it, alot of times it gave me something to think on for days, maybe I should start going again. They pretty much all know that I am different, maybe they just think strange, I am not sure :) but anyway, if they are talking about things they think are not appropriate, they will say, you better not hear this--and I laugh and say, you are right, I better not. This one lady is even starting to say she is praying for people, and one day somebody gave her some money to pay a bill and she looked at me and said, God really does answer prayers. As time went on a few did find out about Taylor, and they just said, I could never get through something like that--and I said, I couldn't either, God is getting me through----so as my year is soon ending, God is amazing, but does that surprise me--not even a little bit!!---He knew just the right place for me, and the perfect timing---He knew it would be one more tool to help me through that terrible first year, and I am praying His name was Glorified in some way in those classes---I pray they could see Him in me and hopefully some day they will want that too. I am now praying,-- that school is just about over, that He will once again open the doors where He wants me to be. I don't care about the money, just some place where I can Glorify His name and help people to maybe feel just alittle bit better.
Yes, I am thankful this Thanksgiving for many, many things---but most of all, that God has picked me, and my family to be His children. He has been so very faithful and granted us just the right amount of Grace each and every day through out this last year. I love you, Jesus, with all of my heart---You are the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords of my heart.
Before I close I just want to give you something to think on---It has stopped me and made me think---What if God treated you-- like you treated Him----and What if God answered your prayers like you answered His calls. I had to think, some days, I could be in big trouble---if God was just too busy to listen, or to help, or carry me through the terrible day-----

Healing??

2010-10-11T11:42:00.005-04:00

Healing---just what does that look like----Is that when you can smile again, or maybe even laugh now and then, is it when you can look at pictures and not fall into a puddle of tears, or maybe when memories don't rip your heart out anymore, or maybe still when you can take their clothes out of the closet and dressers and put then in boxes? Healing for me will most likely be a constant long term process til the day we are together again. Some days, I can look at pictures, and smile and other days, it is just too painful to even look at pictures at all. Memories are all very bittersweet. I can't even think about putting his things away yet. I sometimes wonder if the journey of grief is closely related to a chronic pain. At first it is very painful and you are searching for ways to ease the pain, and then you begin wondering is this how I will always feel, how will I ever be able to live with this the rest of my life----all you want is for this pain to go away, for it to go back to the way it was, but you know in your heart that door to normalcy is closed forever and you have to find a new path. I am thankful the acute ache does start to ease somewhat, but that chronic pain is always there---sometimes you can get busy and maybe don't notice it quite as much, but as soon as you get quite it comes right back. You wonder does the day ever come, when you just get use to that pain? No, nobody ever gets use to pain, pain always hurts. I had to think with a physical pain, you can go to the medicine cabinet and take some pain killers to at least dull it for a while, but with a heart pain, you can take as many painkillers as you want but it will not touch the pain that is soaring through your heart. There is only one thing that can dull the pain, or even remove it at least for a while and that is hanging onto God with both hands----His mercies are new each and every day. Even thought i can feel I have used them all up by the time I lay my head on the pillow, the next morning there is more than enough to get me through the day. I am thankful for the Grace that God provides---it is always just the right amount.

I went home to visit mom and dad---I went by myself, so I had many hours while driving to spend with God and just thinking. I am not sure if this was a good thing or not, but I decided to take Taylor's funeral CD with me to listen too. I was somewhat hesitant to put it in, because I knew it would bring back many many memories, but also knew Ron said alot of things that I did not remember but knew most likely i could draw encouragement from. As it started and i heard them start to sing "Precious Memories"---I did think there is nothing "Precious" about this moment, but anyway, I could in my mind see the flashes of that morning all of us gathering around the casket, all the emotion and then lining up behind the casket to go in. As I listened to Ron speak, I realized I did not remember very much of what he said that day----He said things that were so true such as, satan is just waiting to knock you flat, drag you down the lane of despair, anger, discouragement. He related it to us walking down the streets of a beautiful city with tall buildings on each side and satan and his demons in each of those buildings trying to lure us inside. As I thought about that, I realized how true that is. As I am walking down these streets trying to keep my focus on Jesus which is in front of me, satan is standing off to my side waving his arms trying to get my attention to come in and visit his building---he says, no I don't have to stay long, just come visit---he wants me to let my mind just ask a few simple questions, he is saying---no, there is nothing wrong with questions--why should i not be able to ask these questions---, but the problem is-- on this side of heaven there are no answers to many of those questions---and satan knows that. Satan knows if he can get me to come in, maybe even just to the door, he will have me. Like Ron said, never, and I mean never go inside, not even for a little bit, it will be a very hard and a dangerous road back, so focus---focus on Jesus's face. Then he used this Psalm--91. In part it says--"He (Jesus) will cover you with his feathers and under his wings you will find refuge: His faithfulness will be your shield. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you" Ron said, satan can try to get me to ask all the questions he and his demons want to, but if I am focused on Jesus-- Jesus will block every one of those questions from ever entering my mind. Jesus will stand as my shield. If it was not for Jesus standing in for my shield, I would never make it. Also, he used the verse Exodus 14:13-14 that says the same thing--"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. THE LORD WILL FIGHT FOR YOU; YOU NEED ONLY TO BE STILL" It sounds so easy, just stand behind Jesus, but in all reality it is not as easy as it sounds. I had to think there is spiritual warfare going on all around us every day, probably every minute. These are promises God has given us, and even if at times I don't feel them, I just have to believe them in my heart---that is what faith is all about. Even knowing all this, I still find myself slipping not into the buildings of satan, but taking my eyes off of Jesus and maybe slipping off into the grass instead of staying on the narrow sidewalk. As Ron was speaking and saying to the young kids, what if this was your casket up here instead of taylor where would you be. Oh, I thought--how I wish that was true, Taylor would be sitting out in the congregation with his friends and would come home that night for dinner. Ron said God wanted to shake up the community and He picked Taylor-----I had to think all the people that live in Wayne Co, God picks Taylor---Why??, but as I am asking each question in my heart, I find I am getting closer and closer to satan doorway. As satan is waving his arms trying to get and keep my attention on his lies, Jesus is quietly saying in my ear, Look at Me---Get behind Me---I will fight these battles. So, now the choice is up to me. Where is my focus going to be. It is so easy to say "I trust God" or My God is so faithful" but when God takes away one of the most precious things in life, can I still say that and mean it. In adversity there is only one way to go and that is to move though it with Jesus at your side, standing still will only cripple you and eventually cause death. I can truly say, God has been faithful and yes I trust Him with all my heart---if Taylor is going to be taken, what better hands would I ever want him in. Yes, I would like for this pain to stop, wish there was a pill to take to ease it all away, but that is not possible. God is the only one that can ease the pain.
I have only had one dream of Taylor until last night, I was dreaming that we were all together and taylor was there too. The thing was, we all knew this was Taylor's last day, but he was clueless. He was so happy, smiling and yes, he was driving his four wheeler, in fact he was giving little kids rides around the yard. All I could do was stare at his face and kept thinking-- is there any way I can stop this from happening. We really could not touch or even speak with him, but we all knew what was ahead. When I woke up, it was like satan was once again, waving his arms and calling my name to just come visit him again, he had alittle more discouragement, and sadness to happily give me. Jesus was saying quietly look over here at me, I will help you through this dark night---the verse He brought to mind was Isa. 41:13 "For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you---Do Not Fear, I will Help You." After repeating this verse many times, i felt His peace come over me and I could go back to sleep. He did take my hand and walk me through the night. So, yes, I believe grieving a child is like a chronic condition--you learn to live with the pain, but know where your comfort, relieve, and Grace are found. I heard somebody say, that when they lost their child some of the most comforting words were ---I will personalize it for me---"Taylor is much more a part of my future than he was of my past"---how true, i had him for twenty years--yes it feels way to short of time, but when I look at the the whole picture, twenty years will only be a tiny tiny spec in the line of eternity and yes, I get to spend all eternity with him and Jesus our King. So yes, I have a choice and I choose to believe and trust even when I don't feel like it. This chronic pain will not last forever, only a spec of time.

Monday at the Fair

2010-09-15T20:58:00.003-04:00

I was not going to go to the fair this year---the memories were just too painful, but then Brooke's friend could not go with her, so she asked me if I wanted to go. It was a beautiful day- a great day for the fair, but did I want to go and let all those memories flood my mind and soul---I just didn't know. In the end I did decide to go with her. I heard the tractor pull going on in the background, but knew that was too painful to go watch. Jeff decided that he wanted to go watch it, and even called us when Craig Marty, (the tractor Taylor would have pulled) was ready to start his pull. I told him, not this year, maybe next year. Just the day before or so, I had gotten into Taylor's truck and was looking in his glove box and came across several pictures of him pulling that he had put in there. He was so proud of them, he had them all nicely tucked away. As i looked at them, my mind floated back to the days he was pulling. Yes, it is so easy to slip back to those days, and find myself missing him so terribly, but then I try to refocus and think yes i love Taylor with all my heart and always will, but God even loves him more and did what was best for Taylor and some day I will see the whole picture---but until then, I just need to trust.
I did find being at the fair was a whole lot easier than last year---yes, it was painful, but not crippling. As we were walking from barn to barn I happened to look up and I seen a boy wearing the "famous Yamaha" Taylor shirt with his racing number and in loving memory on the back. As I got closer I realized that is one friend I had never meet---I did not know this boy. I would have loved to talk with him, but he was busy talking to other people. I asked Brooke if she knew this boy and she also said no. Then as we were getting ready to leave, we ran into two different kids with that same shirt on. We did know these two kids and talked with them a little. I can not explain how it touches my heart that these kids want to keep Tay's memory right up close and personal. It seems like every time we talk with them, there is a new "story" they want to tell us. Yes, Aug 16th changed our lives forever, but I am truly touched how other people remember to pray for us almost every day even though it has been over a year. I ran into another person who said they have Taylor's pic up in their trailer and every time she looks at it, will say a little prayer. Some people say they still pray for us by name every day----God has brought great people into our lives. It has all taught me a new meaning to the word compassion. God has shown me what His love can look like coming through His children----I had to think heaven will be filled with His saints showing this kind of love each an every day and Jesus will be the King of Love and Compassion. Then to finish our day at the fair, as Brooke and I was pulling out of the parking lot, we had to wait for a truck that had a pulling tractor on the back to pass. We both just stared as the tractor went by, our eyes were glued to the big white sticker on the side that said "In Loving Memory of Taylor Gasser"----We followed it all the way home---we both said what are the chances of that happening---but then again, nothing is by chance with God----He wanted us to see it-----Maybe to show us that our hearts have healed some---because last year when we seen that tractor with the sticker on it, it ripped our hearts right out and we thought how will we ever make it. Oh, we knew deep down, God was the only way we would ever be able to put one foot in front of the other, but we were barely hanging on from drowning in grief. As we followed that tractor home, I could see the seat of the tractor very clearly and yes, I did imagine Taylor sitting up there pulling again with a big grin on his face---through the a tear or two, I did have to smile----He loved the tractor pulls, oh, but Heaven is so much better than all of this----watch the eastern skies---Jesus is soon coming back----there is nothing left to happen before the rapture. What a Day That Will Be!! It will be thirteen months tomorrow that we started this journey---one we never planned on taking, but all of this was in God's plan from the day we all were born. What I have learned, God will never send you on a journey alone, He walks right beside you and gives you everything you need to fight the battles.

Fair Days Once Again

2010-09-11T23:56:00.000-04:00

Brooke, Spenc and Jeff all went to the fair tonight to watch the tractor pull. I am not big on tractor pulls, especially those real loud ones. Taylor loved tractor pulls, he use to take my video camera along and tape hours of these tractor pulls, then for weeks later he would watch that video, until we all got so sick of it, we would be praying it would get lost or broke, just anything so we did not have to see or hear all those tractor's one more time. Fair days are rather tough for each of us----we each have our own memories of Taylor and the fair. He always went with them tonight, Jeff even bought an extra ticket, just so Taylor could be with them, at least in spirit. On Monday, he could not wait to pull in the local pull----he would always say, Mom, did you hear is it suppose to be nice on Monday, it is not suppose to rain is it. He would tell all his friends that he was pulling, so when they would call his name for the next pull, the kids would whistle and cheer him on. But he was never very organized, it would never fail, he would come running into the house hours before the pull saying he forgot something, or lost something and him and Jeff would have to scurry around and find what he was missing. Of course we always had to take our video camera and take videos of every minute of his pull and him driving around the track with his tractor. He would always get so nervous when it was his turn, we just use to tease him saying, sure hope you get off the starting line and don't spin out right at the beginning, so when he would go half way down the track until he finally would spin out---he was as happy as could be, he would give a yelp and shake his fist in the air---yes, I have all this on video, but as of yet, it is just too painful to watch, not sure if I will ever be able to, but maybe some day. So, today was a sad day, it was for all of us---each with our own memories of Tay. As I was out hanging up clothes this morning, Jeff was getting some things ready for an upcoming sale out in his garage, and I heard him just sobbing, I know he was missing Tay, and thinking back to when he use to help Tay get his tractor ready to pull. Last year they did the memorial for Tay at the fair's tractor pull, which was really nice, but it was so dreadfully painful, I am not even sure I want to go to the fair this year. It is just filled with so many memories, and as of yet, memories for so painful, but they say someday, they will bring joy. Spencer remembered Tay by wearing the T shirt with his racing number and in loving memory on the back of the shirt tonight to the fair. As I watched him go out the door with that shirt on, I just kept thinking "this just shouldn't be", but it is our reality. In fact, I thought that several times today---I was looking at Spenc's year book, then decided I wanted to look through Taylor's Senior year. As I sat there looking at all those kids pictures that graduated that hot June day in 2008---I kept thinking--Why Taylor, Why him!! They all looked so young and happy, ready to meet life's challenges. I had to think, if at graduation that day they would have said "somebody in this class in going to die next summer", would Taylor had even gave it a thought that it would be him---no, I am sure he would not have. I know asking "Why" is a dangerous question and can take you down a slippery slope real quick, but I just was in that kind of place---why my son!!! Why our family. I have to say, though, that gut wrenching pain has lessened and for that I am thankful. It has moved to missing him terribly, where some days, I think I have to see him today---I guess that is where I am today, but again, I am thankful every day is not like that. As everybody left tonight, I just was praying Please God help me here---God is always faithful in showing up right where I am and picking me up. I was praying and decided to just open the Bible and read where God had me open. It was in first Corinthians 15 where Paul was talking about the dead being raised in a twinkling of an eye with new bodies, and the ones alive will be changed from mortal to immortal--death will no longer have its sting, it will be our victory----I just felt God was telling me once again----Yes, I know you are missing him, but just hold on, you are going to see him again.-- Some alone time with God can make all the difference in how I can see things---Keeping my eyes focused on Jesus is the key---some days much easier said than done---It is so easy to slip into the place "why me, Why our family". God has planted the thought deep in my heart from almost the first day of this journey that I have to keep going back to again and again and that is ---God makes no mistakes, His plan is perfect for each of us----some day, some day I will understand and in the mean time He continues to give me His Grace. I heard this and really liked it Grace is what God gives us that we don't deserve. Mercy is God keeping us from getting what we do deserve. Grace is taking us to Heaven. Mercy is keeping us from Hell. God owes us nothing, but gives us everything. I know that it is so easy to let my circumstances determined my attitude. I know God wants me to find contentment in where He has now placed me---no, I may like where that is, but that is where trust plays a huge part---trust that I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. I had to surrender all my dreams for our family into God's hands, because they were all shattered on that night in August. My dreams were for Taylor along with Brooke and Spenc to grow into super young adults marry the "perfect" spouse and have some great kids that were going to be my grandkids----I have learned or I hope I am learning to surrender what I want and what I think I deserve and have faith to accept what God's plan is for me and our family. I always thought I had to have control of a situation, but found out very quickly God can put me places where I have no control, in fact, I can feel like I am drowning and the only thing I can do is plead for help, but I am finding out control is not what it is cracked up to be, and giving God control is alot more peaceful----He takes very good care of His children.

Anniversay date

2010-08-23T15:40:00.001-04:00

We have survived through all the "firsts". Last week was a hard week with so many memories running through my mind. The week before the accident I kept finding myself thinking of what I was doing, and also what Taylor was doing, when was the last time I seen him, what we talked about. On the 15th, us and Max's family spent the evening together. We talked about how that day was one year ago. We all went to Dawn's wedding and how we got home and decided to go on a walk to relax and unwind from a busy day. We were so thankful that the day went so well, dad had done so well, God had blessed the day. How we just got back from our walk taking off our shoes and relaxing just talking , when my cell phone starts to ring. Our lives were changed forever in that one split second from the time I said hello- to the screaming on the other end. As we sat there in Diane's family room, we just all relived that night. We decided to all go out to the site where it happened. It was a pretty night, and as we pulled into the little drive that I have so often visited over this past year, I notice one of Tay's friends had again painted his racing number "614" in bold black paint on the rock where he hit his head. i also noticed that somebody had put some fresh flowers in a vase by the cross. As we all just stood there visualizing what that night must have looked like with Tay laying so lifeless on that rock and all his friends around screaming and somebody calling 911 for help, my eyes drifted over about four feet from where his cross is to see four little black eye susie's growing up just blowing in the wind and blooming so pretty. I had to smile just alittle. because if a boy can have a favorite flower----these would have been Taylor's. I had to think just how did they get there---then I knew, God put them there---it was His way of giving me just a little comfort on a terrible day----to say, I am here with you. After we left there, we decided the next place to visit was the cemetery. I stood there looking at Tay's pic the sun was shining on his smiling face, again God showing His presence and thinking----it seems so very long since I have seen you, hugged you, talked with you----but again, I can remember so well that day we drove up that long lane and brought you out here, which seems just like yesterday. I remember Max saying during that terrible week a year ago, we now have to learn to life with a new normal---a year later wondering, will I ever learn to live that new normal---they say I will, but I am not sure.
The 16th was a day filled with almost constant memories of the year before. My heart was breaking, but was thankful it was one year later, and that God had brought us this far. Yes, I am sure I took some giant steps backward that week, but I was expecting this to happen.
His friends had planned a memorial for Tay. One of his friends told us to come to the cemetery at 6:30 and bring balloons to let off. It was a beautiful sunny evening, not a cloud in the sky. When we drove up that long drive to the cemetery, I was fighting tears, just remembering this same drive a year earlier. I could not see if anybody was there yet or not, because of all the corn, but as we made that turn, a few tears started to slide down my cheeks, when I seen all the cars and trucks, some with big stickers on them saying "In Loving Memory of Taylor Gasser". All these kids standing there, some around Taylor's grave, but all standing silently. I could not help but take to sobbing alittle, it was just such a touching scene---one year later and all these kids still wanted to be out here in the cemetery on a a beautiful summer night remembering Taylor----Taylor's voice was softly whispering in my ear---See, Mom I really was popular" with that famous grin on his face. Jeff talked some, or at least he tried too, Mark had a very nice prayer, remember not only the pain for us in losing Taylor, but also for the Schar's in losing Joey, and Crystal and J.P. in losing their twins. We then left off the balloons, we all just stood there in complete silence until they were all completely out of sight. His friends told us all to go back to WG Dairy pond they wanted to present us with some gifts. Brooke and I stayed awhile at Taylor's grave just remembering and talking about how we were feeling----how God had taken us by the hand and many times just plain carried us this last year----and how someday, our family circle will be reunited again. As it was getting dark we decided it was time to leave and go to the pond. As we drove up there, again amazed at how many young kids were there. Some did not, or just plain could not come to the cemetery---just too many memories, but came to the pond to talk with us. It was always sorta joke with Tay, he use to do some really "crazy" things and we would say, if you keep that up you will never have any friends---and he would always say with a big grin I just have tons of friends and we would all laugh----little did I know how true that statement was. I talked with so many of his friends, one being just as nice and kind as the next. One boy even came up to Jeff and gave him his cell number and told us to call him anytime and he would like to show us the cabin that Taylor spent so much of his last two years at. I always wanted to go see this cabin when Taylor was alive, but he always said, "oh, mom you will never find it", but later found out that was not so very true, it really was not that hard to find, he just did not want me popping in one night----probably scared i might tell his buddies some of his secrets. One boy I was talking with ended up talking about the service that was preached at Taylor's funeral, how it had impacted his life. They had collected money when taylor died and now wanted to present us with some of the gifts they had bought with that money. They gave us a beautiful tree that blooms flowers, not very big, so was thinking perhaps in planting it out by his grave site, so every time we go out there we will remember friends, a really nice stone with In Loving memory of Taylor Gasser on it and last but definitely not least they took the trade mark picture of taylor, the one where he is just getting ready to sky dive, in fact the last picture taken of him, and blew it up on canvas and off to the side had my favorite verse printed on it. Yes, Isa, 41:10--the verse God used many times to encourage and give me strength. The one regret i do have is I never took the time to get to know these kids any better while taylor was alive, they are a great bunch of kids. Brittany also, took the time to make a really nice slide show of Taylor, She used pics from when he was little up to the very end. She had that playing the whole evening. I did not watch alot of it that evening, it was just too hard to see his face in every picture, but she is planning to give me a copy and I will someday watch it by myself-----where it will be Ok to cry. it was a very hard day, but the kids made it easier. It touched my heart deeply that so many made the effort to come and be with us----some even wore the famous Yamaha shirt with his number and name on it. I certain hope they will continue to come and visit us. yes, it is sometimes hard to see them, because i know Taylor should be with them, but I love hearing the stories of Taylor. Sara came on the Sunday afternoon before just to talk about Taylor and she said, there is not a day goes by that she does not think of him----I know for me that will be true for the rest of my life, but he must have touched her life so deeply that she still thinks of him every day----
Tuesday, Wed, and the rest of the week, I found myself going through every detail of every day, but many, many were praying for us and I certainly felt the prayers. Today being the first day of school and I am here all alone again, why is it I find my mind keeps going to the things I can not have and all the things I am missing-----but I know and have seen God's faithfulness, He will provide for every need I have.
Autumn and Keith's baby (Kendall) came so close to being born on the day Taylor died, I am so thankful that she didn't, but God has brought new challenges into her life, which again, we all have to give it all to God and trust knowing He has a plan, a perfect plan. On the day of Taylor's funeral (Aug 20) Kendall had a very bad spell, in fact her heart did stop and for a bit of time, she was not breathing on her own, they were frantically working with her heart----the doctor said, for a bit of time we lost her-----Max said, in that bit of time, do you think she met Taylor----I don't know if she did or not, but I like to think the two of them met---Taylor loved kids. The doctor's know what she has, or they are pretty sure, and it is very rare, so if you could please pray for Kendall and also for the whole family, as you might imagine it is very stressful. I want to thank all of you who have prayed for us through this past year, and if you find it in your heart to keep us on your prayer list, I would greatly appreciate it.
In Jesus I Trust!!

Anniversay date approaching

2010-08-06T23:20:00.002-04:00

It has been a while since I have posted anything. I believe that is a sign of healing for me. Journaling has been a great outlet ---it has given me a place to write my deep heart felt feelings. It seemed many times as I would spill out the pain I was feeling, God would pull up a chair and sit right beside me and end up bring a peace to my heart----will I ever go back and read those first entries---maybe some day just to see all what God did for me. But as the anniversary date of Taylor's accident is staring me in the face, I am finding it very difficult to focus on anything but that. Yesterday, I was thinking back to a year ago, and was remembering how happy he was walking in the door that evening. He had just gotten home from college and was now on a two week summer break----he could not have been any happier. He quickly discarded his book bag in a corner, which he never touched again. He talked with me a little bit, but mostly was in a hurry to get on with life and see some of his friends that he had not seen for awhile. Life to him at that moment could not have gotten any better---he was happy, young, carefree. I just keep thinking, he only had nine days left to life, but at that time he had no clue. He did not know that when he walked out of his class room that afternoon he would never be back. I had to think, in my eyes and I am sure in his eyes, I thought he was at the beginning of his life line, but in all reality he was in his eleventh hour. It once again, makes me think life here on earth is so very uncertain---in one second everything we thought that was normal, was now gone and we had to find a new normal to life with---one we are still trying to get use too----nothing will ever be the same again.
One of his friends came over a couple of weeks ago and asked if it would be ok to do something in his memory on the 16th. She took alot of pictures of Taylor and is going to make a slide show to be shown that evening. She is planning first to meet at the cemetery to remember him with letting off balloons. It has truly touched my heart how his friends have not forgotten Taylor but has done special things in his memory through out this year.
I sometimes can hardly believe it has been a year--but in other ways it seems so very long since i have seen or laughed with him. This last week and I am sure the next two weeks will be ones filled with memories. As I think back to the week of his accident and the days to follow, I once again see God's Grace. Sometimes, when I let my mind go back to each horrible moment, my body will start to shake and i wonder just how did I make it through-----but my next thought is, I didn't, it was God carrying me. I have seen over and over again, God will give Grace just for that day and just enough for that situation. I know this next couple of weeks is going to be hard, especially the days of his death, viewing, and funeral, but on those days, I know God will be there right beside me with His Amazing Grace. God has walked with me every step of this journey, so I trust He will continue to do that.
We are doing a bible study on "God as He longs for you to see Him" by Chip Ingram. It is about God's character traits---His Goodness, Sovereignty, Holiness, Wisdom, Justice, Love and Faithfulness. We were studying His Sovereignty this week. God's timing is so perfect. Chip said in his book something I have hung onto since the day it happened "Nothing will enter your life that God does not either decree or allow. And nothing will ever enter your life that,---if you are willing to trust in Him---He can not work out for your good". That thought has brought peace to my heart many times----in God's eyes it was no accident and He promises to bring good out of it. As horrible and painful as it all is, I took some time and tried to think what good came out of it. There were a few that came to mind rather quickly----First and for most, some saw how quickly life can change, and gave their heart's to Jesus, some rededicated their lives to Jesus----My relationship with Jesus went to a completely different level---it felt like I was in the middle of the ocean and drowning, Jesus threw me a life line to hang onto to keep me from going under, I met some really great people which developed into a very good friendships. God's sovereignty can mean we have a sense of peace and trust because God is in complete control of every situation and nothing in His eyes will ever be spinning out of control.
If you happen to be reading this, please pray extra hard for each of us these next couple of weeks as we approach the anniversary date. God hears each and every prayer---and prayer is very powerful-----i have felt the many prayers----thank you from the depths of my heart---

Will God meet all our needs?

2010-07-03T22:00:00.003-04:00

I have not written in a while---really that is a good thing. When I am drawn to write is usually when I am having a hard time----when I am struggling and trying to keep from drowning. Maybe it is getting harder at times because it is getting close to the one year anniversary of this terrible nightmare and it all wants to keep replaying in my mind. It will never cease to amaze me how God will reach down and take a hold of my hand and pull me up and carry me until I am strong enough to walk with him and not have to be carried. Tonight, Spencer and Jeff had left and I was here by myself, and decided to just open the bible and see what God had for me and i opened to Psalm 105 :1-2 which says-"Give thanks to the Lord, call on His Name; make known among the nations what he has done. Sing to Him, sing praise to Him; tell of all His wonderful acts." This was a very hard week. It started last Sunday. We went to church and we sang the song "What a Day of Rejoicing that Will Be". It sounded just like the angels of heaven were singing it---it was beautiful. It makes me cry every time we sing it--the words are so very true---That song just makes me urn for heaven, but then we also sang Amazing Grace and How Great Thou Art----these were the songs sung at Tay's funeral, but yet God has spoken so often through these songs. It brought back so many memories---some unbelievable sadness and some of God's unbelievable Grace and Mercy. Last Sunday i certainly should have remembered to take some Kleenex's with me--my sleeves were getting pretty wet :). Monday, I was pretty knocked down and depressed. I just wanted or it felt like I needed some connection with Tay, so decided to go through and clean up some of his stuff we had put in boxes. As i opened the boxes to sort through it, I seen things, like his i-pod, watch, check book, credit cards, then I picked up his Cologne---I decided to spray alittle---a mistake. They told us in school, the strongest sense for memory is smell----they were so right. That smell brought back so many memories of when he use to come home in a hurry and just not enough time for a shower so he would run upstairs to his room spray a bunch on and run out the door as the rest of us in the house were saying between coughs "I think you put on a little too much tonight". When ever I would smell that scent I always knew Taylor was close by. Memories, oh memories--As I sat there on the floor, i just cried out to God saying Please let me see him one more time, hear his voice----maybe in a dream anything----I am losing it here---I am so lonesome for him. But I realized I had to pull myself together, Spencer was soon going to be home. I have figured out so very often, my thinking of what would be good for me, and what God KNOWS is good for me is too very different things. God will meet all my needs, just not usually the way I think it is going to be. No, God did not give me a dream, but it is amazing how He will work in other people's hearts to reach out to us and encourage us at just the right moments. I go to the mail box on Tue and here is this card that pretty much says how I am feeling-----it says---A mighty wind blew night and day. It stole the oak tree's leaves away. Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark until the oak was tired and stark. But still the oak tree held its ground while other trees fell all around. It went on to say the roots had grown deeper and deeper and that is why it could stand-----so very true Jesus is my roots and without Him I would have fallen long ago. Then a day or two later we got another letter from a friend that was also very encouraging just in part she said Go outside. Look into the clouds.....Look beyond...Think of Taylor....imagine his happy, carefree face SMILING down on you! Smile Back. Taylor is happy. She closed her letter by saying---I know you may think: "What does she know about my pain? She has never lost a child as I have, and here she is trying to tell me what to do and think." Must I say, God works in mysterious ways. It is not easy for me to tell you what to do. But I believe God gave me these thoughts that I was to pass on to you." There is no doubt in my mind that God worked in both of these people's hearts and it turned into a real encouragement and blessing for us---I have read that letter and card many times. I just never know how God is going to encourage me, lift me up when I have fallen down, but one thing I do know is that God will never leave me alone to go through this stormy time in life. Not only did God show Himself through other people, but He also showed up in a completely different way. It was either on the same day we got that letter or the next day, can't remember which, anyway-----Taylor had alot of allergies and August (the month of his accident) was always a bad month for him----ragweed was not his friend. He had trouble breathing at night, so he often had to sleep with his mouth open, which made him slobber (a nice way a saying spit) on his pillow case. I had to change them often----when I got home that Sunday night after his accident and went into his room to lay on his bed, the first thing I seen was all those marks on his pillow case. I put my head on that pillow and sobbed and held it close to my face, knowing in my heart I would never wash this pillow case---I left it on his bed for several months, I know it may be crazy but when I went in there and sat on his bed and held that pillow, it just made me feel close to him and sometimes I could even give a little smile. One day, though, I did go into his room and took it off of his pillow and folded it up and put it into his box of things----knowing it was so much a part of him. Then last week, i changed the sheets on our bed, I was in a hurry so I just grabbed some pillow cases out of the cupboard and put them on----no they did not match the sheets----but thought who cares no company was expected :) and they were clean. When I was getting ready to go to bed that night, and Spencer was in the bedroom talking with me and I happen to look at my pillow and I said to him, what is all over my pillow case, I just changed it all today--I never noticed a thing when I put the pillow case on---God had not yet opened my eyes to see it at that time. As I got closer, I just stopped and stared---I thought, no that can't be taylor's pillow case, that is all tucked away in his box, but as I got closer and picked it up that was exactly what it was. I picked it up and smelled it and it smelled just like Taylor----instantly a little voice said in my head----" I am here and so is Taylor---We really are not far from you--Taylor is fine, happy---you wanted to feel him close to you today---he is here with you. Tears came to my eyes----God is so merciful----He hurts when I hurt---I was crying out to Him, please let me see Tay, or hear his voice earlier that day----He answered that prayer in the way that was best for me----Thank you Jesus---I praise Your High and Holy Name! Thank you all who continue to pray for us and encourage us in the ways God has directed your hearts.

Saturday evening

2010-06-19T20:00:00.003-04:00

This past week past another anniversary of Tay's death. It has been ten months. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, passes and pretty soon days turn into months. My heart aches for JP and Crystal for they have experienced one of the worst things that can ever happen to a parent. The extreme emptiness, sadness that can not begin to be explained in words, all the "what if's", the "why's" and the dream of what kind of little boys would they have been is gone. Yes, they will be changed forever. They will have a whole different view on life, God will be their life line. God has chosen them to Glorify His name and for others to see God in them, which I am sure we are all seeing clearly. I have read some of their post and I know that God is carrying them and giving them Grace minute by minute, which He will continue to do.
Why is it that songs are one of the things that will most likely bring me to tears. I hardly ever get through a whole Sunday without tears running down my face. Maybe it is because they are so beautiful, it makes me feel like I am in heaven. A lot of the time if I just listen to the words, they are so beautiful---so full of praise. We have not yet gotten a tombstone, but the other evening, we were out at the cemetery. Jeff was working with Tay's grave. As i stood there watching him and spencer work, I could not help but think---Taylor what are you doing out here---this is not what any parent should be doing. I thought, how many times did Taylor drive by the lane to this very cemetery to go to rittman church and I can say I doubt very much if he was ever back here, or probably even knew it was here. I stood there thinking, just how uncertain life is---that very sunday before his accident, he drove right by the lane going to church--not a care in the world, not knowing that by the next week, he would not be driving by the lane, but instead being driven up the lane.
It was one year old today, that Taylor bought that fateful fourwheeler. I can remember so clearly, how I did not want him to get it, but how do you stop a 20 year from getting it. Brooke and I made a trip to the bank, and Taylor decided to come along to see if he could get a loan for his 4-wheeler. I was so very happy that he had no credit, so they would not give him a loan. I thought it was a done deal, but when Taylor set his mind to something, he went after it. He soon came up with a plan that he presented to me. He wanted to take money out of his savings account---which was for college and buy it then make payments back to himself. I agreed that would be ok to do --thinking it would make him more responsible having to make payments each month, sometimes I wonder what would have happened, if I did not ok that plan. I looked at his bank book the other day, and it was a year ago today, that he withdrew his money to buy it. I remember that smile on his face when I said he could do it---his smile was contagious, it even made me smile. Little did we all know that exactly two months later he would be in eternity and that day would be his viewing day---again the uncertainty of life. There is that fourwheeler still sitting out in our shed all covered up. It is just too painful to look at. To look at it is so bittersweet---when I stand there looking at it now---I can see him on it with a big grin on his face ready to tear around the yard on two wheels, and then I can also see it as the terrible thing that took his life.
It soon will be one year---we actually survived, even though at times I had my doubts. As I think back, yes, we each healed at least to some degree. Sometimes I wonder will I ever get to the point where I do not have that heavy feeling sitting right in the middle of my heart, or has it settled in to stay. People have told me to hang on to all the precious memories, and that is true, but I have to say, memories are right down painful-----will someday the memories turn from painful to happy, or I guess I should say, nice--because they will probably never be happy---that is like some days I miss him so much that I feel I just want to see him alive again. I am so tempted to get out my home-video's from his prom and graduation---but I am just not sure if that would healing, or down right heart wrenching.
As I am writing this, the thought popped into my mind, God never promised us that it would be easy here on earth, that in fact we would have trouble and trials, but He did promise us that it will be worth all our suffering when we get to those shores of Heaven and see the beauty He has in store for us. I am trying to remember life here on earth is just a vapor and eternity is forever and forever---and I have all that time to be with Taylor and best of all Jesus will be our Master. One last thought. The other sunday in church I heard something that has stuck with me. He said we all pray daily for the Holy Spirit to fill us---but the thing is, when we ask for the spirit to fill us, are we wanting also to be in the driver seat and Jesus riding with us in the passenger seat, or are we quickly getting into the passenger seat and asking Jesus to drive for us. I thought it was very interesting, and how many times, have I asked Jesus to go with me, when I should be asking Jesus to take me with Him.
I would like to ask one last thing of anyone who happens to be reading this, please keep us in your prayers as the one year anniversary date of Taylor's death is getting closer. Also I want to thank those who have continued to pray for us day after day. I will sometimes get just little short e-mails that say---just want you to know, you are still in my prayers---nothing touches my heart more than hearing those words---because I have seen great power in prayer. We all serve an Awesome God.

A New Month

2010-06-01T12:03:00.002-04:00

I can hardly believe it is June 1st, the kids are almost out of school. I love the warm and sometime sunny days, spring just brings new life to so many things, but also brings new first which I have to crawl through each one. Some are so much harder than others, but hopefully the second time around it will be a tiny bit easier. I have found that the change of season, winter to spring and then sliding into summer is much harder than I was expecting. I expected Christmas, his birthday to be gut wrenching days, but sunny warm days are much tougher than I thought it would be. I find myself expecting to hear his fourwheeler racing around the backyard, and Taylor loved loud noises, so the louder the muffler the better, sometimes it was so loud we would have to shut the windows if we wanted to carry on a conversation without yelling. I find myself thinking it is just so quiet, I miss that loud noise zooming by the open windows. Just so quiet, and I always thought I liked quiet, but it now can make my heart ache. He had made himself a jumping ramp out in the back yard, I use to do dishing watching him go around and around jumping that ramp, and yes, each time I said a little arrow prayer that God's angel would be jumping with him, and have their arms around him to keep him safe. Now, when I look out that same window doing dishes, I see the path going to that jump and the ramp itself growing all up in grass---it just makes my heart so sad to see that, so now instead of saying a little prayer for Taylor, I say a little prayer for myself, that God will just come a little closer and hold my hand for awhile.
Memorial day weekend----what would make this a hard first? I really never thought too much about this holiday, and no it was not nearly as hard as some. Yes, we missed him terribly at the family picnic's. We were at Amber's last year and again this year we were at her place. We remembered where he was sitting what we talked about, Amber said I remember talking with him in the kitchen, then when we were outside standing by his truck, we were teasing him about his truck and all the funny stickers he had on it, we looked at some pictures, but I think it was the element of life's uncertainty that struck me the most. Almost every memorial day Diane and I would make a trip to the cemetery, which in those days that was the only time I ever went through out the year. We would walk around looking at the new graves, and so often would say, who do you think will be next, or even who do you think will be first in our families---last year we even said, just think we will be buried out here somewhere, just where do you think that will be--just one year later we all know where that is going to be. We never in our wildest dreams thought that taylor would be first. He was so young, so full of life, and we thought so much time to live, but in all reality he only had 2 in half months----in our minds, his time table was just at the beginning, but we were clueless to God's time table, which was almost to the end. This year when I went out to the cemetery, I just knelt by tay's grave and found myself saying, tay, what are you doing out here, you are not suppose to be here-----but as I looked up into the sky, I knew I was once again in my own time table, but God's ways are so much higher and bigger than ours---I said, yes, God I know you are in control of all of this---You understand my breaking heart, and will be my Rock.
The weekend of the 22nd, Diane and I went back to mom's, Ron was there from Florida visiting. In fact, Warren and Dawn were there too. We could not remember the last time all us kids were home visiting mom and dad all at once---God truly blessed that weekend. Ron is always encouraging to talk with. Ron made a comment to me that I found real comfort in. He said, just remember, you are just one heart beat away from Taylor. I know to some that may sound like I am wishing for death, I am not, it just makes me feel close to Taylor. It makes him not feel so far away. There were so many staying at mom's that we decided that some of us would go stay at the nursing home apartments----the same ones we stayed in the night of Taylor's accident . I said, there are just too many horrible memories for me to stay there, but Diane thought she could, and Bill and Dawn went with her. I went along to help them take their stuff---I was sorta shocked at all the emotions that hit me full in the face when I walked through the door. As we rode the elevator down to the rooms, my mind went racing back to that night. As we walked into the bedroom, my body wanted to take to shaking. It is amazing how a smell can trigger so many memories. I think the smell of that room almost provoked more memories that actually seeing it, but the more I stood there looking around the memories did start to flood back even faster. I remembered how my cell phone was laying on the floor by my bed and how it started ringing so early Sunday morning with several close friends leaving heart wrenching messages----how Diane and I just laid in bed, saying very little, except---we will never get through this------as we did not realize quite yet, that yes, we would never get through it by ourselves, but God was standing right there with us and getting ready to hold each of us in his arms. Then we went into the bathroom, I just stood there remembering how I walked into the bathroom that Sunday morning, just looking in the mirror and saying, This can't be happening----How can I ever live without Tay, he can not be truly gone, my heart was breaking into a million pieces---and then I walked out of the bathroom to find Brooke standing in the hall---that was the first time I think it really hit us that yes this is true--Taylor is gone----that was the first time since we heard about the accident that reality actually got past the fog of shock and hit our hearts. Brooke and I sobbed so hard we could barely stand up. As I stood there months later, I had to think, yes, all those memories came rushing back, and yes, they were as clear as if they were happening right then, yes, I could stand there and feel the extreme pain, but I could also see the power of God. He brought us down a very rough and steep valley, but He is slowly bring us through. I had one more first to get through, and I was rather dreading it. I had to go back to the Forrest Church--- No, the church did not have bad memories, in fact I love the people there---many I have known all my life, alot of my relation goes there-----it was more along the line of--can I go and not be a puddle on the floor when they come up and hug me and are so kind to me. I thought if i could prepare myself somewhat then maybe I would be OK. Almost as soon as I walk into the door, Paul comes over to us and when he gets to me, he gives me a hug and says "this hurts does it," as tears start to flow down my cheeks---he knows all too well what I am feeling. He is just about to mark the second year anniversary of his 21 year old son that died of a brain tumor. I remembered talking with him in depth last summer in July about the death of his son, and just how horrible it was---he had to watch him die inch by inch, but little did I know that less than one month later I would understand his level of pain and grief a lot more clearly, more clearly than I ever wanted to know. After talking with him, I fought tears all morning, but had a continuous prayer on my heart---Please God just give me enough Grace to get through this day without sobbing on every body's shoulder. As I sat there through morning service I seen another friend that had lost a grandson a year or so earlier and knew she would be very hard to talk without sobbing. As I found out over the fellowship time at noon, it was very painful, but God did give me the Grace to not be a sobbing noodle. I did talk with the one that lost her grandson, and yes some tears were shed, but seen God was there through all the pain. I talked to a classmate of mine 23 years earlier she lost her 7 year old son---he was riding his bike and was hit by a car. She said I just want to tell you even though it has been 23 years, it really does not get any easier-----I am not sure how encouraging that was, but I think she probably meant there will always be moments that will hit a painful memory. Another lady, her son was also killed in an accident---I spent all my time talking to mothers' who have lost one of their children---I was shocked how many in that Forrest Congregation have had such grief and pain of losing a child. By the time I left church, yes, I felt drained, but seen that all of us had something in common besides our broken hearts---we all knew God was our life line and He would never let us go, we just had to hang on with both hands. Yes, I have had a lot of first, and they are all hard in different ways, but God does walk right with me. through each one. I think God wanted me to not loose sight of that thought, because just the other day when I was spending time with Him, I opened the devotional book--"Today in the Word" and was reading it when I came to the place I knew without a shadow of a doubt God was wanting to remind me of His presence. It said "God is near to you today. He knows you and your circumstances. He knows what you will do and say. He goes before you." Then the verse that went with it was Phi:4:4-9 which says "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understand, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" I could think--in everything give thanks---just how can i do that. I realized God was not expecting me to thank Him for what happened, but to just close my eyes and think on God's character, His faithfulness, just Be Still and Know that He is God---I can trust Him to carry my burdens, I can cast all my cares at His feet, and I know He has a perfect plan for me, and just let the perfect peace of God which transcends all understanding seep into my heart. Yes, this is easier said than done on some days, but I am trying to keep this verse on my heart every single day.

Nine months

2010-05-17T11:43:00.001-04:00

Tay, I write about you so often, but today, I am going to write to you. Yesterday marked nine months that you left us. It seemed to be somewhat harder than some of the other anniversaries. I think it may be because it was not only nine long months since I have seen you, but it also landed on the same day of the week of your death (Sunday). My mind just keeps slipping back to that horrible night when your dad called and was sobbing into the phone saying that you were gone, that we lost our son. We couldn't leave mom's until the next morning, but i didn't sleep a wink, all I kept thinking was --this can't possibly be true---how will we ever get through this next few days. I did not begin to think how will life be with out you----that thought was so devastating, that my mind would not even let me go there----not yet anyway. I don't think I quite realized it yet, but Jesus was at this point picking me up into His arms and was going to be carrying me through a very long journey.
Tay, I miss you so much, your quirky little jokes, that could not help but make me laugh, the sound of your 4wheeler in the back yard---that was so much a part of who you were, seeing your truck come flying in the lane, with gravel spraying all over the yard, your clothes laying all over your bedroom floor even after i told you a hundred times to throw them in the wash, your little texts you sent me, which you so often signed--love ya, mommy, your little whispers in my ear "mom, can I borrow some money", which i never seen again :). Yes, sometimes, I just go sit in your room, just to feel closer to you. I have at times pulled out some of your shirts---ya the ones you never seemed to throw in the wash, and smell them. Your scent is still there on some of them---that cologne you so often would spray on. I am sad to say, the scent is getting much weaker and weaker, but if I breath real deep, I can faintly still smell it.
Tay, I went out to the site of where your accident happened, I want to tell you, Tay, your friends must visit there alot. You will never be forgotten, you are in their hearts forever. As I got out of the car and walked down by that rock, my breath caught in my throat---somebody had just in the last several weeks, because I visit here often, painted your racing number on that rock in bright red paint. Sometimes when I go, the grass is all trampled down, like many are walking down to that little creek that hold so many memories for a lot of kids. They keep flowers there all the time, some are real which are very pretty. As I sat there on Saturday afternoon, the wind was slightly blowing, the water was making that bubbling noise over the rocks, the birds were singing in the back round. At first, I felt such terrible sadness, my mind just kept playing out that night, how our lives were all changed in a matter of a split second. I just kept praying, God, I know you are with me, but could you just please in some way show me your presence---show me You are with me now. I sat there a while longer an instead of keep thinking of that night, my focus started to change to-- Tay, what might you be doing this very second. Are you walking and talking with Jesus as I am sitting by this creek, or are you sitting by the river that is crystal clear fishing, or maybe eating from the tree of life, or most likely riding a fourwheeler. I had to think, you have won the last battle here on earth, death---you now can see clearly all what i can only image. The longer I sat there more peaceful I became, no the sadness never left my heart, but I know you are in great Hands. God did give me His peace as i sat there, but I did not get any physical sign of His presence until the next day (Sunday). God has spoken so many times, in very difficult times through His song Amazing Grace---every time I hear it, I know that God is speaking to me--- saying----"Yes, I am right here with you---just hang onto me real tight. " Yesterday afternoon, I was downstairs and as I came up into the kitchen, I heard Amazing Grace starting to play on WCRF. The instant I heard it, the Spirit popped into my mind saying, "remember yesterday when you wanted to see My presence, here is your sign." I stood there and listened to every word, even though I have heard it many times----I knew God was speaking straight to my heart---So, Tay, yes, I do have sadness in my heart, but only because I miss you so much---but know that Jesus is taking very good care of me. I do rejoice that you don't have the troubles of this world to have to deal with anymore----that you are safely home. I mourn more for myself than for you----Our hope of heaven is now your promise fulfilled---you are already there. The other morning when I got up, I decided that instead of mourning my losses, I would try to praise God for His faithfulness all day, because truly I have many reasons to be thankful. In my quiet time that day, God gave me the verse 1John 3:1 "How great is the love the Father has lavished on me, that I should be called a child of God."
Last week, Tay, I did another really hard thing----another first. I had prayed really hard that Jesus would go with me, and I am sure He did, but still it was one of the hardest things I did yet. I went back into Gilliman's for a visitation---ya, there was the first time I saw your very still body, so lifeless and cold---everywhere I looked, brought back those horrible memories, even Mr. Gillian's face was marked with memories. I know Jesus was holding me up, because without His strength, I am sure I would have been a puddle on the floor. Everything in that place, screams memories, the hallway to that terrible room almost made me start to shake, even the couch screamed pain. I know Tay, you do not want us to be sad, and some days, we can even remember all the crazy things you said and did and laugh. One of your friends came and visited me yesterday---just want you to know, you touched her life in a very profound way---she is now running the race for Jesus and telling her friends about Him.
Brooke and I sometimes just go out to your grave site---ya, we know you are not there, but that is the closes we can get to you on this earth. We sometimes just stand there in complete silence, each in our own thoughts----we look at your picture we have of you out there and both say, we can not believe this is really our reality. Our minds slips back to that day we all stood around your casket with our hearts breaking into a million pieces, and realized we have healed some since that day. No the pieces will never be all put back together again, until we all reach Heaven's shores and we are reunited. I realized God picked you to use to touch so many lives---God was doing a work in you since the day you were born, so on this Aug 16th 2009, He could touch the hearts of so many---I pray each one will continue to let God work in their hearts. Some have told me they were going back to church, some have said, it all makes me believe there really is a Heaven and a God, some have said I have given my heart completely to God. I also realize God used your death in teaching not only your friends, but also each one of your family members different things He wanted us to see and learn. I have learned to trust, believe and truly hand on to God with both hands and know that He will carry me through anything. He will give me just enough, never too little or even too much Grace for the exact moment I am living in. Your death has truly taught me what it is like to know there is no one or anywhere to run to in a time of extreme devastation except into the arm's of Jesus. I am sure you already know, but the best gift of all, is that through your death, Spencer has given his heart to Jesus. I have seen him grow closer and closer to Him day by day. God truly knew what He was doing that night, even though on bad days, I can still feel like-- God, I do not understand why You have allowed this terrible tragedy to happen, but I usually will end with-----I am willing to follow You through it----because I truly know in my heart of hearts God knows what is best for me.
Tay, I will always love you with all my heart----yes, a tear or two will most likely slid down my cheeks when I think of all the losses, but know I am trusting God with my heart and know some day soon, we will be together and all of this will be a distant memory and none of it will matter anymore. Love, Mom

Mother's day

2010-05-10T12:55:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was another first----but found it not nearly as hard as his birthday or Christmas, thankfully. Yes, his absent was certainly felt, but then that is true of every day. I love the way God has His very special ways of showing His presence and love for me. Yesterday in church, they spent most of the service talking about mothers and how very important they are in the home---one very important job is to instill scripture into the minds of their children. Looking back, I wish I would have done more of that, because as I found out once you memorize scripture, you never forget it, oh I may not be able to remember it word for word, but I never forget the major point that scripture is making. If anyone would ever ask me what was the one thing that helped me most through my journey of grief, I would say without a shallow of a doubt it was scripture that I had memorized, because no matter where I was---in the middle of the night, out getting groceries, or driving down the road, when great waves of grief hit, I can instantly start to repeat these promises to God--they become a prayer in my heart---maybe not instantly, but sooner or later, a great peace will come over me and I can feel God right beside me. Back to yesterday in church, as a gift to the mother's they had all the guys in church go up front and sing a couple of songs. I could not believe it when they sang "Amazing Grace"----it was absolutely beautiful with all those men's voices blending together---but besides being beautiful, it was also a gift from God. That is the song that God has spoken to me in many sad and dark hours of this journey. Whenever I hear that song, I know God is speaking to me. It was like He was saying, I am right here with you holding your hand and helping you through another first.
The kids took Jeff and I out for dinner to celebrate Mother's day----We had a nice time, but that was when Taylor's absent was felt the most. Even though, we talked and had some laughs, it was ever present in my mind that he was not there. He was always the "clown" of the family. He had a unique sense of humor--always bring a smile to your face, even on a bad day. I have only seen a truck exactly like his twice since his death, and after we were done eating and driving home, we see one just like his. I had to catch my breath---each time I have seen one like his, my heart jumps, just for an instant I think it is him. None of us say a word, we all seen it driving right by us. Finally, I say----What do you think Taylor is doing today? I am sure he is having a feast all of his own. God was telling us, Taylor is with you, just not physically, but definitely in our hearts forever.
Something I want to share---on a day that I needed encouragement last week, God had a friend of Taylor's send me this-I believe God was trying to tell me once again---I know this is hard, but I do have a plan. She wrote" I thought the dreams were over with, I didn't think Taylor would ever come visit me in my dreams again. In the dream-He and I were in his truck talking about how I didn't want him to go on that ride, we both knew what was going to happen. I was begging him not to do it. He looked right at me and told me he had to, it was in the plans and he wasn't scared at all. He touched my arms and was trying to tell me it was okay. I think in my dream Taylor wasn't afraid of what was gonna happen, he was scared of making anyone sad. Dreams like that make me believe there is a God and a Heaven". I thought, WOW! God was not only talking to me, but He was talking to this friend too. I felt God was telling me to keep my focus on Him and remember He has an ultimate plan---no mistakes , and telling this friend to believe in God and what He has for her, also an ultimate plan. Another thing I have discovered on this bumpy journey of grief is-- God actually is talking with us all the time if we are listening closely we will hear him. He truly is never far away, but it is so easy to get wrapped up in our circumstances , and miss this still small voice.
Just like last night, I wasn't in a terribly deep pit, but coming through another first just sort of feeling sad, missing Taylor's presence, his voice, his famous little grin, his crazy jokes, I picked up the book "Roses in December". It is about a mother that lost her 17 year old son in a car accident. It was like God was once again reminding me of something He has told me over and over again---almost the first thing I read in this book (I will put my name in beside the mom's) This is what she felt God was telling her through a verse very soon after Nate was killed " While I knew Nate(Taylor )being only seventeen (20) died before his time. I also felt God was saying to me, Marilyn (Deb), it wasn't an accident. I wasn't on vacation the night Nate (Taylor) died. I knew about it before it happened. Marilyn (Deb), I am taking him away from something worse. He is with Me and he is doing fine". I felt a real peace come over me, and knew it was that small still voice talking to me again. Just knowing that God loves me and cares about my every tear doesn't take the hurt away, but it does make the hurt more bearable. I know when I am hurting and crying, Jesus is hurting too. That is why Jesus is my very best friend. He is always there and knows just what to say that will help ease the pain.
Amber sent me this poem, -again---I am sure God brought it to her attention, and whispered in her ear that she should send it to me---and yes, when I got it, i did cry a tear or two for Taylor, and also a few for the great love I feel from God, family and the people God has brought into my life.

Child Loaned
"I'll lend you for a little time
A child of Mine." He said,
"For you to love while he lives,
And mourn for when he's dead,
It may be six or seven years
Or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call back
Take care of him for Me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you
And should his stay be brief
You'll have his lovely memories
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all from Earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there,
I want this child to learn,
I've looked this wide world over
In my search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
I have selected you:
Now will you give him all your love,
Nor think the labour vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call
And take him back again?
I fancied that I heard them say,
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done,
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,
For the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've know,
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him
Much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand."

I am so glad God picked me to be his mom, even if it was for a short 20 years. God truly did just loan him to me---- we have that promise of being united again!!!

A Tough Weekend!

2010-04-26T13:31:00.005-04:00

I wish I could say I was in a better place today, but I feel just about like the weather--rainy and dreary. In a book I am reading it says "you never get over grief; you get use to it" I am thinking will I ever get "use" to it. How will that feel?? I know we should be getting a tombstone for Taylor, but that turned out to be much harder than I thought. Diane and i went Friday ( a beautiful sunny day) over to Creston cemetery to see if there were any we liked. We did find one that would "fit" Taylor----we took pic's of several to show Jeff and the kids. We even decided what and how we wanted it engraved. I could not help but keep thinking, we should not be doing this---I should not be here trying to decided this---this is something you do for your parents, not for your kids. Anyway, we took the company name of some of these stones so we could come home and look them up on line. We went to Diane's and did just that. I was not ready for what that looked like. Their showroom was filled with tombstones---I guess you walk around and pick out what you like----it reminded so much of the day we were in at Gillman's walking around picking out his casket----all those memories came flooding back----We never made any calls to the place, I realized it was going to be much harder to actually go do this than I ever thought. I know this is crazy, but it just makes it all so very final. The very last thing I will ever buy for Taylor. On the way home, I went out to the cemetery and just stood by his grave trying to visualize what that tombstone was going to look like, I crumbled into tears thinking this isn't right---this is not the way it is suppose to be---I came home and just put the camera away with the pics on it, thinking I can't do this right now. I didn't show any of them the pics, but did tell them where I was and what I had done---they must not be ready either, not a one asked to see the pics.
Saturday evening I was here by myself, and heard the emergency squad siren, and now especially since Taylor, i always say a little prayer for whoever is in need of help. Never did I think it was right down the road from us and it was one of Taylor's very good friends. When I seen his car, it was quite obvious that God had His protective angels around him. He walked away without a scratch. The way the car looked, he could have very easily been killed. I have to admit, I felt my first pang of real anger at God---I wanted to scream---where were Taylor's protective angels that night, You could have so very easily thrown Taylor up on the bank like the other kid, why did he have to land on that rock.
Ok, yes, this has been a tough weekend, but God will lift me up again. He has been so faithful, He will not let me alone, even if I don't feel Him right beside me---I know He is there anyway. I do know in my heart---Taylor's work was finished---God knows what He is doing--remember no mistakes with God-- knowing that is a comfort, but have to say it does not make it hurt any less. I was listening to Chip Imgram and what he said is so very true, but sometimes so very hard to do. Joy is focusing on God and what you can't see which are eternal, instead of focusing on circumstances and what you can see, which are earthly. I know God is always Good and I will choose to worship Him even in the times of great hurt. God will meet me right where I am, just like He knew where my heart was yesterday in church. What does He have us sing---How Great Thou Art. That was a song sang at Taylor's funeral---ya, i cried all the way through---but God was saying I know you are hurting, but I am right here beside you. I will admit this is a hard journey, but God has chosen to put me here, I just pray that His Name can be Glorified and He will keep me from drowning. Some days like today, I feel I am under water gasping for air and choking for each breathe, but know that God will not let me drown. He has given me a life Jacket--Jesus to hang on to.

God as my Compass

2010-04-19T09:55:00.003-04:00

Again, it is a quite Monday morning---all in school or work. Part of me loves this time---it is a time I can spend with just me and God--alone together, but another part is not all that crazy about being here in the house all by myself---my mind wants to keep going back to memories. I know memories can be good and they are all I have of Taylor, but they can be so extremely painful. It was eight months on Friday. It seems so very long since I have seen him, talked with him, gave him a hug all very painful thoughts, but I can also think----Just what are you doing today, Taylor---Are you walking, and talking with Jesus right now, what are the streets of gold like to walk on---what is it like to finally see through the glass clearly, and no longer have to just imagine what heaven is like? What is it like to worship our Lord in person? I miss you so much--do you miss us even half as much as we miss you---oh, i know you don't, because that would bring pain, and Jesus told us there will be no more tears, and pain in heaven--no more good-bye's. Just know, I am looking forward to the day that i can give you a big hug again and we can talk with Jesus together---walk the streets of gold, and sit under the Tree of Life, put our feet into the river--let the warm breeze blow in our faces, no more stress, heartaches, or tears. Oh, what a day of rejoicing that will be.
I had to think, grief is like a storm---or I guess, I should say more like a tornado, it can be upon you so quickly, leave terrible devastation within a matter of seconds---one minute everything feels "normal" and the next you look around and see your life is in shattered pieces laying at your feet. Since tornado's like grief will not hit everybody around you, it just touches down in spots, so it can make you feel very much alone, unless you have been hit by this tornado, you really can't relate, or maybe you can relate to some degree, but really only imagine what it might feel like to have your life shattered so quickly. Where do you start to even pick up all the shattered piece? You know there is no way it is possible, so you just sit in the middle of it all and pleaded for help from God. God becomes your compass. I am completely directionally challenged---the only way I know east from west is the way the sun moves----north and south---since there is no sun to direct that---I am clueless. We have a vehicle with a compass built into it and the other day I was going somewhere that I knew or thought I knew just how to get there. i knew it was west and south. The thing I was not expecting was all the closed roads, which I thought I still could find it. Some time later, I happened to glance at the compass and noticed it said I was going east. I thought that was strange, but thought maybe the compass was not working right, because not once did I feel like I made any turns that had me go in completely the wrong direction---but since I realized I am so challenged with directions, i thought maybe, just maybe the compass was right and made some turns to start going west again----guess who was right--me or the compass??? Anyway, it made me think----all the closed roads are the troubles, trials that God allows into my life--they detour us--they take us down roads we had no intentions or planning on traveling----they are all for a reason---just like the closed roads were for a reason--maybe fixing a bridge, or something like that---but I could not see the reason, only had to believe it was impassible---but I was not keeping my eye on the compass because I thought I knew the next best road to take----but in all reality I was getting more lost and off course. Just like when I take my eyes off Jesus---I lose focus,--I am getting more depressed, feeling sorry for myself---ya know---why our family---why Taylor----I just want it all back to the way it was before Aug. 16th. But until I focused on that compass and got my vehicle going in the right direction----I was getting more frustrated by the minute, but as soon as I started heading the right direction, everything started to fall into place, and the frustration left---same as when I get my eyes back focused on Jesus----I start to feel His peace again and know I am not alone---He is right there beside me being my compass which will lead me safely home.
After the weekend with the kids here, and quite time is in small quantity (which I am not complaining, I love it), as I sat down with Jesus today, I prayed please show me what You want me to see and Know about you today----I opened to Nehemiah and the first thing I seen was 1:5-"O God of heaven, the great and awesome God------vs 6 let your ear be attentive and your eyes open to hear the prayer your servant is praying before you day and night."i thought, yes that is exactly my prayer---God went on to show me in the "In Touch" devotional that pursuing Jesus with a passion requires sacrifice and we often learn to really know Him through suffering. Yes, salvation is a free gift that Jesus gave us because of His great love for us, but intimacy with God is often a costly process, but the rewards are invaluable and we get to take them to heaven with us---they are eternal. Can I remember this on really bad days???? The pain is so deep and hurts so much, but God does nothing without a reason----even if I can't understand it now, I just have to believe and trust----yes, some days easier said than done----on those days, I am looking frantically for my compass (Jesus)---I know He will bring peace and comfort back into my soul. I wish I could say once I crawl back into Jesus's arms, I would stay there, but I don't---. Yes, I have gotten to Know Jesus on a completely different level----like Paul says in Phil 3:9 "Righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. 10 I want to know Christ and the power of His Resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death." So what was God opening my eyes to today?--Each time we go through trials and suffering, God is bring us closer to Him and refining us. We are developing a deeper more personal relationship with Him. I sat here and thought if God gave me the choice to go back to the way it was before Aug 16 and not have the relationship I have developed with Him that came from all the pain of losing Taylor, ----or would I stay where God has brought me thus far----and all the pain and suffering that came from losing Taylor???? I am going to be real honest---I really don't know----the pain is still very deep and the wound is still bleeding most of the time and some days I want nothing more than to have Taylor back with us. On other days, I can feel, or sometimes I just have to remember what it felt like to be carried in the arms of Jesus---when He spoke so clearly to my spirit---when He became my Great Comforter---just like He was standing in my kitchen---His Grace was so clearly being given----it was like I was walking hand and hand with Him. So, some days, I would say with a very shaky "yes", i will stay where God has brought me, but other days, I am not so sure. The one thing I am absolutely sure of, is the day I can lay the armor down here on earth and step over into eternity with Jesus and Taylor, I will know without a shallow of a doubt it was all worth it, even though all the pain and suffering.

Hope

2010-04-12T10:43:00.002-04:00

Spring break is over and all back to school. Brooke was in CA for a week, Spencer, Diane and I were out to see mom and dad. Warren and Dawn came home also. That is the first time we were all together at mom's since that fateful night. Just being in the house where it all began, has moments of terrible sadness, but over all it was a nice trip. I met Shirley for coffee one morning who's daughter-in-law had died three years ago and also her grandson died 3 1/2 years ago. Lisa (the daughter-in-law) had an illness and also wrote a blog. I remember reading her blog almost from the first day she wrote. I remember thinking this is such a sad story---she was so young, married had a little boy, but he also got an illness and died when he was six months old. But in all the sadness, i seen such love for Jesus in Lisa's life, and even though she was so young, and knew there where many many prayers going up for her very single day for healing, she would end each blog with "His Will be Done". It left such an impact on my heart, because almost anyone that young and so much to live for, would have prayed straight for healing, and yes, she wanted healing, but more than that she wanted God's Will to be Done----she knew His plan was perfect and He makes no mistakes, even if it meant her dying and leaving her young husband and family. She had faith that God would take care of them. She left footprints on my heart as I am sure she did many others with her testimony of faith. After talking with Shirley, I realized the pain will always be there---is it any less---I really don't think so---you try to learn to live with it. There will always be that big whole where they are suppose to be. Like she said the little boy would have been five and starting school next fall. She didn't say, but I can bet she looks at other little boys that age and thinks that is how old he would have been, and wonders what would he have been like, who would have been his friends. Not only is she hurting in losing two very special people in her life, but also hurting for her son which is dealing with two of the biggest loses in life. God is the only one that can bring the comfort that will help us get through each day of such tragedy.
I am realizing that there is not going to be any "magic" healing after I have experienced all the "first" milestones. Sometimes I can really get down thinking, is it always going to be like this? Will I ever get through it. I try to think but I can't remember what it felt like to have a "carefree" heart and not feel like I am carrying a hundred pound weigh around my neck every day. Just what would it feel like to go back to before August 15th even for one day. I thought it was interesting, well actually, I am sure it was God, but I was reading this morning in the 'In Touch Magazine" and they interviewed Stephen Curtis Chapman about the death of his daughter. Reading this makes me realize even more that it will never be easy, but God is going to get me through, He will be faithful to all of His promises. It has been 18 months for Curtis, and yes, there is healing, but the pain is still very deep a lot of the time. I can relate exactly to some of the things he says, He can pray and sing "God, I bless your name. You give; You take away. Blessed by the name of the Lord", "but then some days cry out Lord, I am breathing my last breath. I don't have any more strength to go on. I am going to be overtaken by this grief. This is going to destroy me. God, if You don't show up in some way soon, I don't know what it's going to look like. Also he says, the waves of grief hit like waves of an ocean when we least expect and knock us flat on our backs again. The reality is, we are not ever going to be out of the woods of grief until Jesus comes and takes us home. " Sometimes when I read about other people's journey of grief and see that yes, there is healing, but your heart will always be missing some very vital pieces---I wonder will I make it, or is it possible to die of a broken heart. Then I have to think God has given us the hope that I am going to see Taylor again. We all need hope to survive not matter what the circumstances. We probably really do not understand how important it is until we are desperate for it. I do believe that the more desperate i become for God the more He will reveal Himself to me. For what ever reason, God has chosen our family to carry this burden----but He does not only want us to carry it, He wants us to Glorify His Name in doing so. Yes, some days that is so hard, all I want to do is feel sorry for myself and say, I want it all back to the way it was---and God is saying---just hang on I will bring you through this, I am walking right along with you, and when you think you can't walk anymore, I will carry you. Remember I am the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, all is in my Hands-----Yes, I am sad today---but that is OK, I will just do like it says in Psalm 91:4---I will climb under God's wings--- "God will cover me with His feathers, and under His wings I will find refuge. His faithfulness will be my shield."

Taylor's birthday

2010-04-04T15:41:00.002-04:00

As much as I dreaded Taylor's birthday, it is now over. Another milestone is passed, and we are still sitting in the palm of Jesus's hand. I got up on Thursday morning the day of Tay's birthday with a deep pain in my heart---I just kept thinking about the day 21 years before---how little and cute he was---he was so tiny they put a little green hat on him to keep his body temp up. A couple of days before his birthday, I decided to sit down and write a letter to Tay to read at the cemetery on his birthday. I knew I could probably not read it, because I was sobbing just writing it and when I tried to read it over just to see if I could, I ended up sobbing even harder---so knew it was going to be impossible for me to read it. Brooke thought she might be able to, but as time got closer to his birthday, she didn't think she could either, so I asked a good friend to read it. Spencer and Brooke decided that they would try going to school that morning. Spencer wore one of Tay's favorite shirts and Brooke wore the Famous Yamaha shirt with "In memory of Taylor Gasser" on the back. She knew it was going to be a tough day, but was hoping being busy at school might help, maybe even a little tiny bit would be a good thing. She said on the way to school----and as she drove past the high school there were all these tractor----and most of them red (Taylor's favorite kind). At first, she thought, are they doing this in Taylor's honor of this birthday-----because anybody that knew taylor knew he loved tractor's, but soon realized it was FFA days. By the time, she got to school, she was on the verge of tears and was hoping nobody would remember that it was taylor's birthday. She had a meeting first thing in the morning, but one look at her an Mr. Dreher knew what was going on and decided to cancel the meeting. By this time, her heart is aching so much, she can't take another minute and breaks down into tears. Mr. Dreher's heart is breaking for Brooke. He helps her through this breakdown and then for the rest of the day, the teachers all help her with the kids. They all showed great compassion for Brooke, but by the time she got home from school, she said I feel like I am just whipped, but knew we had some very hard things yet to get through. Spencer said his day was sad, but not as many people knew what the day was---the kids did not remember, or most likely most never ever knew it was his birthday, but one sweet girl, a friend of Spencer's put a plate of cookies in his locker with a note. I tried to keep busy---but it did not take much for me to have tears running down my cheeks. It was a warm sunny day, but very windy. I wanted to get balloons and tie them on his cross out at the cemetery, but afraid they would either burst or fly away before evening. April, Diane, Max, Morgan and I went to wooster to get balloons anyway, because we were all praying that the wind would die down before evening---power in pray, and we just felt God would answer it. I knew alot of people were praying for us, because I had asked almost everybody I knew to please pray for us that day. I felt, yes, the day would be very difficult to get through, but knew there is great power in prayer and I also knew that God would give us just the right amount of Grace to get through this very difficult day. This verse kept running through my mind all day, Isa. 40:31 "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles: they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."WOW--that verse was so true. Just like eagles, when a storm hits, an eagle sets its wings so that the wind will pick it up and lift it above the storm---while the storm is raging below, the eagle is soaring above it. The eagle does not escape the storm, but simple rises on the winds to be lifted higher. That is so much like God's Grace--I was soaring on the wings of God's Grace---lifted up above the tremendous grief of celebrating a birthday of a child that is not here. The winds are still very strong, but knew I would never survive if I was pulled right in the middle of the storm. Yes, God has allowed a grief-storm to enter my life, but He will give me His strength to rise above.
At 6:10 we leave for the cemetery, not knowing who or even how many of his friends are planning on coming. We get there finish tying the balloons on. As we stood there, we realized God answered our prayer---it is a beautiful evening. The sun is shining, the wind had completely died down. We barely get the balloons tied up and the cars and truck start coming up that long drive. I just stood there watching one after another pulling into the drive. It was very quiet as each one got out of their vehicles and walked over to his grave site. I hugged a few people and yes, there were tears, but could feel the prayers and support of all that were there. After about 20 minutes the last one pulled in---there were probably around 65 people there, some holding balloons, some brought flowers, but most of all they were there to support us. Jeff started it off with his voice cracking thanking everybody for coming and saying a few other things. Mark, and many others had on that same shirt that Brooke wore to school---in Taylor's memory---it just tore at my heart to see how these kids truly loved Taylor and are missing him just like the rest of us. Brittany read the poem she wrote in Tay's memory---it was so him, then Rebecca read the letter I wrote to Tay----yes, it was just as hard to listen to her read it as it was when I was reading it over at home---My heart is breaking because he isn't here to celebrate his birthday with all of his friends and family, but I just have to keep focusing on that he is celebrating big time in heaven-----maybe not his birthday, but celebrating and worshipping our Savior Jesus--not just today but every single day. Spencer spoke next---he told a memory about Taylor and himself----a trick Tay played on him last April 1st (April fools' day). Brooke spoke next---she just spoke from her heart. Mark said something that was so very true---when something bad happens---Taylor's death was definitely bad, but something very good can also happen---giving your heart to Jesus is the very best thing that can happen. Some of Taylor's friends then spoke and told some memories about him. Then Spencer lit the candle. We all just stood there watching it burn for a several seconds, before Rebecca had a prayer. As she was praying it was like Taylor was saying I am here too---because in the background we can hear a fourwheeler in the distance. After she is done, we all get our balloons , some write a message on them, some tape messages to them, then we all say happy birthday taylor and let them slide out of our hands. We all stand there in silence as they float up and away, but as they do somebody says look and here there were two jets that crossed paths and the white stream they let behind, made a cross in the sky----was that Jesus saying I know this is so painful, but I am here with you, and Taylor is being well taken care of? We all stood there watching the balloons float out of sight, then slowly everybody stared back to their cars. Brooke and I stayed awhile longer, just standing by tay's grave talking with each other and to Tay. We did look up into the sky and was watching the beautiful sun set God had given us this night. After the cemetery, we invited the kids all back to the fountain for a meal, so they could just sit and talk if they wanted. Again, I have to say Tay had a great bunch of kids as friends---actually, several of his friends planned the meal. As we pulled into the fountain, Brooke and I just stared at what was posted on the sign "In Memory of Taylor Gasser's 21st Birthday"----we just looked at each other and said, just how can this be true!!! Can't it just be a nightmare that went on all night, but in the morning we wake up and find it is not true---we could just go back to our old normal---we are so tired of this new normal, but realize that is never going to be.
I can't remember if Taylor's birthday fell on Easter weekend before or not, but it meant so much more this year than if it ever did before. I had to think---God gave His only Son---watched Him being flogged, spit on, and crucified---and Jesus endured it all---He understands pain--Yes, my heart can be filled with sorrow and pain that we lost Taylor so very young in life, but I can't even imagine what it would have been like if I had to watch him being beat, having big spikes pounded into his wrists, and ankles----and Jesus did it all for us----He was completely innocent---He did it because He loves us and wants us to spend eternity with Him----again God's Amazing Grace.

In Need of Prayers

2010-03-26T13:34:00.004-04:00

The day I dreaded for so long is almost here---April 1st, Taylor's 21st birthday. As I sit here writing this, i wonder just how will i get through that day---then God brings to my mind, He will give Grace just for that day not days in advance, and that day is not yet here---so yes, God will give me the Grace to get through that day---will it be sad---yes, probably a day where a lot of tears will be flowing, but I will never be a lone, not even for a second---Jesus will be right beside me. I have said this verse often and I am sure on his birthday I will repeat it many times Deut. 31:8 "The Lord Himself goes before me and will be with me; He will never leave me nor forsake me. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged." Jesus knows how hard this day is going to be for all of us----Taylor could not wait to turn 21---he loved his birthdays. I just have to keep thinking, Jesus has gone before me and already knows exactly what I am going to need for that day. Actually, Jesus doesn't just go before me, He will stay with me, He will be standing right beside me as I light those two candles and let the balloons off---yes, i am sure my heart will be breaking, but I am also assured I am not alone---He will be carrying me. We have invited his friends to come and be with us as we all let off the balloons. I can see some of his friends are missing and grieving his loss almost as deeply as we are. Some of his friends send him texts---it just makes Tay feel close to them---they say how much they miss him and would love to talk with him again, if only for five minutes---sometimes they even call and leave messages---those tear at my heart, because usually they all end up crying. I have often wondered how Taylor's good friend and roommate in college--actually he was the one on the 4-wheeler with Tay the night it happened--how he was doing. God is answering that prayer for me---God had this boy call me the other night and say he would like to come see me-----so he is planning on coming tomorrow. I know it will be as hard for him as it will be for me---but I am really glad he is coming.
Several weeks ago, a teacher ask Brooke if she would come to his school in the morning before school even started and talk to some of the kids about "Where is God when bad things happen" Today was the day for her to go. She told her story from the start of that fateful day until the funeral. She told the horrible detail, but most importantly she told how God carried us all through it and answered our prayers. I had to think how many kids went away thinking--boy, I am glad Jesus is my Savior, or maybe I have drifted away from Jesus, I need to get closer to Him again, or maybe some thought, who is this Jesus, I would sure like to know more about Him. I am praying to God at this very minute that He is stirring and moving their young hearts to want to have a relationship with Him. Brooke took at least 50 of those fliers we handed out at the viewing telling of Tay's salvation and how God revealed it to us--how amazingly God answered our prayers. Every one of the fliers were gone and she said she should have taken more. God is working to reach the young kids---I also thought last night when it was snowing, would satan win and there would be a snow day, and Brooke would not have the chance to get to speak to those kids. I prayed that would not happen, but again God's ways are so much bigger and higher than ours, I didn't know, I could only pray that Brooke could go and tell her story. Another college student said she needed to do an interview with someone that has lost a close family member. She asked me if I would be interested in doing it, or would it be just too painful. I thought, yes, it is always painful going through the detail and all the feelings that comes with that---but my very next thought was---Is God wanting to use this terrible tragedy again to Glorify His Name. With that thought, I knew without a shallow of a doubt---I would do it and give God all the Glory for getting us this far.
We all know that there is great power in prayer, even though that thought sometimes is not the first thing that comes to mind in times of decisions, but it most likely is the first thing that comes to mind when trials or tragedies strike. Interesting, as I was doing my Beth Moore study on Daniel, read Daniel 9:20-23. What really caught my eye was verse 23 which says "As soon as you began to pray, an answer was given, which I have come to tell you, for you are highly esteemed." Amazing, God answers prayers even before we pray them---now that is an Amazing God. Beth also said something I loved---"God hears every prayer---keep asking for understanding---keep seeking supernatural insight! Stay in his word so you can recognize His voice, then listen closely to what he is saying deep in your heart. you have the Spirit-empowered ability to hear God" --that is what is called a deep intimate relationship with our God. Not that I kept asking God "Why Taylor--help me to understand why him"---but I think God is showing me little clips at a time how He is using Tay's death to touch other kids' lives. Some have even claimed that Taylor's sudden death showed them how uncertain life is and how quickly you can be into eternity---and have given their hearts to Jesus and now are witnessing to other kids when ever possible. No, it does not make the pain hurt any less, and I miss him terribly, but i am trusting God, He knew what was best for Tay, and He has promise to go ahead of me, beside me and even behind me every day---so I am in the hands of the One that knows what is best for me too. i know and have felt the power of pray, so i am asking please pray for us this next week extra hard for his birthday---thanks.

One more Month has past

2010-03-15T15:36:00.006-04:00

It is seven months today!! Sometimes I just try to stop and think where am i on this journey of grief---am i moving forward, standing still, or moving backwards. I have come to the conclusion I can find myself in all those places and sometimes all in the same day. I can find myself moving forward when like Beth Moore said in her Daniel study---"Beating Great odds is God's specialty. That is one way He can prove to me that He can do the impossible---Don't accept defeat---Persevere, believing God's promises. Ask Him to fight for you and to show Himself Mighty." Some days, I can feel that---I am hanging onto God with both hands even when satan is pulling at my shirt tails as hard as he possibly can---but in my heart---I know am persevering even to the point of tears running down my cheeks. I can talk to God and feel His presence just like talking to a very good friend--I can feel my heart is sitting right in the middle of His Hands. On those types of days, I think, maybe, just maybe I am inching my way to recovery. Then on other days, I think, I have not made much progress since Christmas. The months and weeks before Christmas, I found myself in such deep valleys, I was not sure I would survive, but each minute did seem to pass and I was still breathing. I dreaded those holidays with a passion, knowing Taylor's absent would be so keenly felt. I was so thankful, God did know my every need, even before I did and helped me through each one. As January rolled around, i was just so thankful the holidays were over and maybe life could return to half normal----oh, who am I kidding, life will never be normal again. January did seem to bring not as many deep valleys, but some days I can feel I am stuck in the same place I was in January. I guess I am trying to say, time is not making this any easier. It feels like I am stuck in the middle of this terrible storm and can't get out. The wind is constantly blowing, pouring rain, it is just an effort to walk, because every step I take, the wind is pushing me back and the rain is pounding in my face and all i can think about is what would it feel like to have the warm sun shine in my face with a little soft warm breeze on my back. Sometimes I wish I could just lay all this sorrow and grief down and pick up happiness and the feeling of being carefree. I wonder, do I even remember what that feeling was like? But something that Randy said the other Sunday sticks in my mind. He said "complaining is like saying God did not do it right, I can not trust God to get it right, so instead of complaining we should say---God, I don't understand why or what You are doing, but I am going to trust You. I know You know what is best for me." I thought, if I can keep that mind set, satan will not be able to pull me over the edge so often, but easier said than done. I do believe in my heart of hearts that God did do what was best for me and for Taylor, because unlike me, He can see the whole picture, and no, I may not understand it and definitely not like it, so all I can do is trust Him in the deepest part of my heart. I have to say all His faithfulness, Grace, Comfort and Mercy has made my trust grow deeper in Him. God also knows I have another huge milestone to get through in the next couple of weeks. I am not going to lie, it is going to be a tough one, probably in some ways harder than Christmas. In some ways, this grieving has become harder because like the grief share classes told us, as time goes on, each of you will grieve in different way and at different speeds, and that is exactly what is happening. When it first happened, we were all on the same page---knocked completely flat and there was nowhere to go except up. As months go by, we are at different levels of grieving, and each are dealing with their own grief in a different way. I have found out, you do not really go through grieving as a family, it is more between you and God. Today in my time with God, I decided to go back and read some of my grief devotions and the one God showed me answered my question that I started this blog with. It started out by saying " Do not be discouraged if it feels as though you are going backwards at times---sometimes forward, sometimes backward. This is the natural process of grieving." As I read through the rest of that devotion, I realized it fit me exactly---Was I surprised God was right there meeting my need at that very moment, not really, that is His speciality--faithfulness---
We are trying to decided how we want to remember Taylor on his 21st birthday. We are thinking of meeting at the cemetery with his friends and family and in memory of Taylor letting off balloons, putting flowers on his grave, or just standing there remembering Taylor as a son, as a brother, as a friend, as a cousin, or as a nephew-- remember what was and also what is to come---we will see him again. I think after we leave the cemetery we will all get together for a little while and try to smile at all the crazy and funny memories we all have of him. I know no matter where I am or who I am with, it will be a very sad day---- I will be remembering the day he was born, like I do every birthday of each of my kids. Remembering the excitement of a new baby, for many years on the birthday's of each one of my kids, they would want me to go through the details of the day they were born. I must remember God has been so very faithful on this journey of grief, there is no reason why He will not carry me through that day too. His Grace will carry me through! Yes, our hearts will be breaking when we are out at the cemetery letting off those balloon, but another part of my heart will be thinking about Taylor spending his first birthday, a special birthday, his 21st birthday at our Master's feet. The sun is shining on his face. If only I can keep that in my mind on that day and every day.

God-- the Keeper of My Heart

2010-03-09T17:05:00.003-05:00

Today was a beautiful day---sunny, warm. This afternoon, I was at our bible study of Daniel. We are getting to the section of the end times. Yes, we do not understand alot of it, we only see through a glass darkly, but some day our vision will be 20/20 and we will see it all very clearly.
When I got home, I decided to go out to the cemetery, since I have not been there in awhile. As I drove back there, it all looked so different than it did last summer and fall. It looked even more lonely and sad---if that is even possible, no flowers, dirty snow, but the sky was beautiful---. As I got out of the car and started to walk over to his grave, I noticed that somebody had been there and did put flowers on it. I knelt down and seen somebody had laid ten white roses beside the grave and also somebody had entangled several sunflowers into the greenery I had there. As I stood there, with water oozing around my feet from the melting snow, water stand on his grave where part of the snow had melted, my thoughts wondered back to that hot summer day we all stood around that open grave. Our boy was being laid to rest--how can this possibly be true----it can seem so long since I seen him, talked with him, gave him hug, but only yesterday that the horror of that phone call ripping my heart out. I stood there remembering how all those young kids were kneeling around his casket saying their final good-bye, but they did not leave that day, never to come back. Their pain is as real to them as mine can be to me---One might have thought that young kids would have moved on after almost seven months---as death is not something a young person wants to think about---it truly touches my heart when I see them thinking of Taylor and actually spending time out by his grave. Taylor must have touched their heart's in a special way---I pray they seen a part of God in him. While I was standing there thinking about Taylor, i notice in the background the sound of a 4 wheeler coming down the road. I can hear it shifting gears and flying down the road--just like what Taylor would have done on such a pretty day----I just closed my eyes and i could see Taylor on his in our back yard flying from one end of the yard to the other, shifting gears every chance he got--making as much noise as possible. I could see the wind blowing in his hair, a smile on his face----he would have loved today---sunny, getting warm--spring in the the air. Even though, I was thinking of these things that would never be again, my heart was not breaking into a million pieces, like it so often does when I go out to the cemetery---it just makes it all so real when I go out there----I felt a peace---like God was right there beside me---He is the keeper of my heart---He was holding it in his Hands and giving me His Amazing Grace and Comfort. I just stood there a long time, just thinking what was and what is. I also had this real desire to go to the accident site, so that is what I did. As i pulled into the drive beside the site, I noticed new things were also there. I got out and walked down by the water, where the cross is. There was nothing calm about this site---the water was rushing over the rocks, ice and snow were breaking off and floating down the creek. As I got down to the cross I seen there were two white roses laying beside the cross, and also several sunflowers-, but then I noticed that somebody had put a copy of the "Fastline" magazine that Taylor is featured in---in a ziplock bag, but really what grabbed my attention was several notes that somebody had written. I picked them up to read, and seen one had a verse on it 1 John 4: 7-12---talks all about love---God's love, love one another----God is drawing these kids closer to Him, for that, I am very thankful. As I was reading these verses,this person actually took the time to write them all out, I also seen the two notes inside the bag, tears by now were streaming down my cheeks. The notes were written to Tay,---they touched my heart deeply. Remember to pray for these kids, their hearts are hurting too. I sat there with the sun shining down on my back, water rushing right beside me, my mind slipped back to that summer evening when all those kids were together having a good time, not knowing that very soon all our lives would be changed forever. Not knowing one of them would soon go from this earth to eternity in a blink of an eye. Even though, tears were streaming down my face, I still felt God right there holding my heart. I felt a peace knowing that God never makes mistakes, His plan is always perfect-----He will take care of me until the day I arrive at His Pearly Gates. I looked up into the beautiful blue sky and thought, just what are you doing today, Taylor. Yes, you would have loved today, but everyday is beautiful now. This bible study we are going to on Sunday nights about Heaven, just makes this all seem so much more real---the day is really coming, when Jesus is coming to take us home with Him.

God Is Never Late

2010-03-01T09:22:00.003-05:00

It is Monday morning and I am here alone, well not alone---God is right here beside me. I am not going to lie, this was a hard week. I am trying to figure out why it seems to be getting harder instead of being a little bit easier. I do remember back when we were in grief share they said it takes six to nine months for the death to actually sink in---it has been six in a half months. Or Maybe it is because his 21st birthday is getting close---a month from yesterday. He loved his birthday's and was so looking forward to turning 21---I am not sure what he thought was going to happen when he turned 21, but we would hear him saying---just 10 more months and I will be 21----little did we all know, he would never see his 21st birthday. Sometimes, I wonder if maybe I should have waited to go back to school, until at least the first year was over. That has stresses all of it's own, and put that on top of the stresses of grieving, might be more than I am ready to handle.
Sometimes I can feel like I am all dressed up ready to go out into the cold and snow for a walk. As I look out and ready to leave, I see where I want to go and where my destination is--(which is to keep my complete focus on Jesus's face), but just not sure how to get there and stay there 24/7. I see one way is very icy and slippery, so I would have to be very careful and walk really slow. Then I look over and see there is a path less icy, some snow, and even some places where the ground is showing. So, I decide to take that path, thinking it is safer and probably quicker. I start out heading for my destination, but I can't keep my eyes on it, because I have to keep looking at my feet and where I am going to take the next step (which is looking at all my loses). I want to make sure I am stepping where there is the least amount of snow, and when possible clear ground. I send so much time looking at the ground that when I look up to check my destination, I find I am way off course. I didn't even realize that I took my attention off of my destination so often and now I am heading in a completely different direction (one of sadness and loneliness). As I am now completely off course, I stop and think just what happened that I ended up here, then I remembered there was a stick with sharp spikes in the bottom of it (which is God's helping hand) sitting right there in the garage by the door before I even left. I walked right pass it without even thinking. I am now thinking if only I would have grabbed that stick (God's helping hand), I would not be here now. I could have walked that icy path by using the stick with each step to keep my balance---it would have been me and God working together and the path would have been a lot closer to my destination, but that path was alot less traveled---most people took the this path thinking it was safer and more solid.---yes, the other path might be a little bit slower, but I would not have had to look at my feet (my losses), but instead I could have kept my focus on my destination (Jesus). Yes, I think these last couple of weeks, I at times have taken the path that was more traveled and looked safer---a real deception--my focus slipped to ---all that I will never see Taylor do or all that I miss about him. I got up Sunday morning feeling so sad and lonely, I begged God to please come and pick me up and help me back to the right path where I can feel His presence just like He is sitting beside me---I love and yearn for those feelings every day. As I sat down in the morning to spend time with God----I love the speed at which God will sometimes answer our prayers. He had me open to ISA: 45:3 which says :I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord the God of Israel, who summons you by NAME. Wow! God is summonsing me by name. So, I thought, treasures in the darkness---and stored in secret places, I don't know what God has in store for today, but it sure sounds great. We got ready and went to church, my heart is still very sad, but knew God was right there beside me--He would carry me through this dark cloud. As we stood to sing----this has never happened to me before, but tears just ran down my cheeks right there in church. The choir was singing, it sounded just like music from heaven--God speaking straight to my heart---the song was "When We all Get to Heaven" I am going to write 2 verses they fit so perfectly. "While we walk the pilgrim pathway, Clouds will overspread the sky; But when traveling days are over, Not a shadow, not a sigh. V. 4 Onward to the prize before us! Soon His beauty we'll behold; Soon the pearly gates will open, We shall tread the streets of gold.---When we all get to heaven, What a day of rejoicing that will be! When we all see Jesus, We'll sing and shout the victory. " I thought, Oh, God I am so ready for this--but it is a promise and if not today, someday this will all be true!!!! I could feel God lifting my sadness from my heart and in exchanged giving me His Comfort. As I was trying to recover from this song----wiping the tears from my face, they sing the second song---"Sweet by and by" I will just write one verse, but fits so well with the other song. V 2 "We shall sing on that beautiful shore, the melodious songs of the blest. And our spirit shall sorrow no more, not a sigh for the blessing of rest. In sweet by and by We shall meet on that beautiful shore, In that sweet by and by We shall meet on that beautiful shore!!!." Now I am almost to the point of openly sobbing---God is telling me---yes, this is hard, keep focused, but some day, we will all meet on those beautiful shores of heaven and then walk on those streets paved with pure gold---Yes, the trials of this world can be really tough, but it will all be worth it. But God was not done yet---that night we went to our bible study on Heaven----and guess what-----God had us sing those two exact songs again-----He wanted to make sure I got the message and I tucked it deeply into my heart not to be forgotten, but to go back to on days when I feel I am again losing focus. God is ever faithful---He wants me to remember He has a place all ready for me---just not yet, but live every day like it could be that day----take my walking stick (Jesus's hand) every single day and take it every where I go. I can't do this alone, I will crumble and fall every time. Then when I got home, i opened my email and God touched my heart in an even deeper way. In this email another person was searching for God because of Taylor's death----they seen a part of God in all of this and liked it --God's power and Amazing Grace is shining through and they wanted to know more. Also in an email somebody made a comment that stopped me in my tracks---something that I have lost track of, so lost in my own misery. I know it was God talking through this person---they said---Think about how Tay must be feeling right now, and what he is doing. I know he would not want you to be thinking of him in tears-----thank you for that comment---interesting-- because this morning God gave me Psalm 101: 6 which says "My eyes will be on the faithful in the land, that they may dwell with me: he whose walk is blameless will minister to me"---I thought Ok, God what are You trying to tell me--so I looked at the study guide part of my bible and guess what it said---just what God is trying to do all the time---it said-Suffering silently is neither Christian nor particularly healthy. Instead accept graciously the support and help from family and friends. So I know without a shallow of a doubt God was talking through this person in the e-mail----And yes, i know deep in my heart Tay would not want us to spend all this time in tears and terrible sadness---in fact he was the type of kid that hated any of us to be sad---he would always try to cheer us up if he thought we were sad. Once when I was talking with him, I had just tears in my eyes, not even crying and he looked at me and said in a very soft sweet voice " oh, mom please don't cry, it will be OK". I have to say all my family and friends have been great in encouraging me. It can come in way---sometimes e-mails, phone calls, letters, or just being there silently when I needed you.
I want to do one more thing. One of Tay's friends set up a face book page in his memory. I know alot of you probably already see it, but if not here is the address--just search it on face book, "In loving memory of Taylor Gasser" I am honored that all these kids will take the time and effort to do things in his memory---Almost every time I go to the accident site, there is something new there. I went right after a big snow, and somebody already had taken the time and went and cleared all the snow away from the crosses and the other stuff that is there, and even put a little red heart there for Valentine's day. I hope and pray that each one of his friends have found a special place in their hearts for Jesus to dwell and some day like the song said we will meet on those beautiful shores and what a day of rejoicing that will be!!!. I know some of you seen this poem that Brittany wrote in Tay's memory on that face book page, but for those that didn't, I want post it---Thank you Brittany--it is so Tay.

An Angel In Disguise

On April 1st you were born without wings,
And August 16th you became my blessing.

All through school no one would have guessed,
That you would be the first in our class laid to rest.

God blessed you with the most perfect smile of all,
When I think about it now, I have to wipe away tears that starts to fall.

High school we shared many memories in track,
Now I would give anything in the world just to have those days back.

Tractor pulls and racing four wheelers was what you loved to do,
So, God called number "614" and that, Taylor, was you.

I believe God had a plan and it was you that he took,
Besides friends missing you terribly, so are your Mom, Dad, Spencer, and Brooke.

I know you can't come to us; we must go to you,
With that in mind living my life for Jesus Christ is just what i'll do.
(And I owe thanks to you)

For all this time God was the only one, who knew,
that an Angel was among us.....that angel was you.

Gone up to Heaven you surely did rise,
Because all along you, Taylor....were an Angel in Disguise

In loving Memory of Taylor J. Gasser

Please continue to pray for us as satan every day tried to take our peace we have in Jesus. Satan wants us to be discouraged, sad, and be focused on ourselves and all the loses, but with Jesus at our side, we can think-- just like that person said---what are you doing today, Taylor, and wipe the tears away and think that glorious day is coming----everybody grab Jesus and hang on tightly until then----which it could be even today, or perhaps tomorrow.

Saturday Evening

2010-02-20T23:50:00.000-05:00

I am so ready for spring, but have to say today was nice. Brooke and I went on an adventure today. She bought herself a new, well new to her, Escape. It is always fun to be spending somebody else's money :).
Everybody usually loves Friday's, but I am becoming to dread them. I am not sure why they are so hard for me, except that I am so busy on Wednesday and Thursday's that reality of Taylor's death is pushed back a bit. So, when I get up on Friday's it is like I get hit in the face with this horrible reality at full force. It seemed like satan found alittle open window to try to sneak into my heart this week. There was something said last week that satan took and ran with--he was trying once again to plant just a little seed of doubt of Taylor's salvation. It is like the saying goes---satan can plant a thought, but it is my fault if I let that thought take root and grow and that was what I found myself doing. When I got up Friday, I felt so down and sad, just plain discouraged and beaten up. I just pleaded with God to please pick me up and carry me for awhile. I am amazed sometimes how quick God answers prayers, but really I shouldn't be---He has been so faithful from the moment of that horrible phone call. As I sat at the table with my Bible open, I was feeling so sad, that I just broke down into tears----and thought I am so tired of feeling like this, and now I have this little seed of doubt to deal with----I thought I was finally through that battle, but found out satan knows just where my weakest spots are and will no doubt come as often as I let him win one ounce of a battle. As I sat there just thinking, I decided I would just pull out of my bible some of the verses that I had written down that meant alot to me. As I started to read the first one, i instantly seen it was the same verse God gave me about a month after the accident. It was the one that became the verse i hung onto with both hands---the one that three other people gave me within 24 hr. ya, the same one Isa. 41:10--Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, For I am your God. I will strength you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." I knew instantly God was telling me He was right there beside me being my God, holding me up. I started to think back on that day God first gave me this verse---My heart was hurting so bad, i thought I would not make it into the next minute. I had to think God did keep His promise---He has held me up and carried me many many times. But God was not done "talking" to me that morning. I flipped to the back of my Bible and I seen this card and opened it up to see who it was from and what it might be saying. It was a letter from Autumn, yes I had read it before, but God wanted to remind me one more time---I will never get tired of hearing it---that yes Taylor is safely in the His arms. I guess, it is that I just have a terrible fear of Hell and just how horrible it really is, and it is not only for ten years, a thousand years, but forever---I can not even wrap my mind about something so horrible and terrifying lasting forever. Anyway, I don't think Autumn will care if I put this letter in here---it helped me through a rough day when it arrived, but it also was a great encouragement on a day, six months after Tay's death.

"Mom, April and I went to P. Graham Dunn yesterday. As we were walking through the store, we found these two items. They touched our hearts, especially in light of recent circumstances. We hope they will mean as much to you as they did to us and bring you comfort. For these two items remind us of a story.....our story. Of a much loved boy lost too soon. Of a mother pleading before the throne of God for a sign of his salvation. Of a God-breathed cell phone message arriving soon after---an answer to prayer, a promise from God---Taylor is in Heaven and we WILL see him again. We praise God for His Amazing Grace--for it is this gift of grace that has saved us and saved our Tay---who professed by his own mouth to his teacher that Jesus was his Lord! God gave us a promise that Taylor is in Heaven. GOD KEEPS HIS PROMISES! Let us never forget... We love you Gasser Family! Please know that we think and pray about you every single day. Taylor is never far from our minds either. Our family circle has been broken here on earth and the depth of our loss can be consuming at times, as I'm sure you know that well...for you loved him most. But my own heart does soar in the moments when I am able to think beyond this world and the Spirit whispers to my soul the assurance that Taylor is with our Lord Jesus Christ and he would want to be no where else. he has seen the light of Jesus's face with his own eyes! Oh, how we each long for that day!

God had me pick this letter up to read again today because He wanted to remind me of His promises once again.. Thank you, Autumn----I know it was actually God working through you the day you sent it, and again today---I am so thankful that God is so merciful in never getting tired of my weak human self falling into satan's traps so often. Jesus was so quick to show me once again----Tay is safe with Him. After my melt down, I continued to do my bible study of Daniel. A comment that Beth made---is so true for me and probably for alot. She said---"One of satan's most effective schemes is simply to wear God's people out. Satan uses exhaustion and profound discouragement to persuade us to give up---Satan may be able to wear out our human strength, but he cannot wear out the Holy Spirit's. We can call upon God's supernatural strength to fight the good fight of faith". That is exactly what was happening to me on Friday---I was being worn out, but as soon as I called on God's supernatural strength----He was right there to help me through a dark valley. Just how beautiful is that going to be when we can lay our armor down here on earth and walk over the line and pick up our robe of righteous, but until then, I am sticking close to God's heart because without Him, i will very quickly lose strength and fall into the depths of depression and sadness---just where satan is trying to take me so very often. This valley of grief is so often not only a struggle of learning to live with a huge hole in my heart, but also a spiritual battle with satan sitting on one shoulder and God sitting on the other. I know it has been over six months, but please keep us all in your prayers as Taylor's 21st birthday is approaching which is April 1st, we are all starting to feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness and are wondering just how are we going to make it through not only that day, but the whole week. As I looked ahead in my classes, i found out my finals are going to land right on Taylor's birthday---I am going to need lots of prayers and God Grace to make it through those days. I know, God does not give Grace until it is needed----so why am I worried---satan is so tricky---because he found another weak spot. Fear is nothing more than "False-Evidence-Appearing-Real" but Grace is "God's-Riches-At-Christ-Expense.

New Challenges

2010-02-13T22:48:00.006-05:00

One more month has gone by. It is going to be six months tomorrow. Well, they told us in our Grief Share Group that it takes six to nine months for the death to actually "sink" in. I wonder, has it sunk in yet?? Just what will that feel like---will the pain be more intense? Or do you just learn to live with a constant sadness in your heart---that just becomes a part of your life. Today I was in Rittman and on my way home, I met Brooke driving Taylor's truck, and just for that split second when i seen it, my mind flashed it to be Taylor coming down the road, but then my mind came back to reality and a wave a sadness just swept over my whole body. Last weekend, one of Taylor's friend's stopped by for a visit. It is always nice to see these kids and talk with them, but it is ever so bittersweet. We always talk about memories, ones that make me laugh, ones that make me cry. She was the one who was holding his hand when he died. She did not volunteer any information, but I asked her how it all went that night. I was always the type of person, who loved details, but I am not sure these were the best to have. Also this week, the magazine "Fastline"came out---it has the tractor Craig pulled in memory of taylor at the fair on the front cover and inside there is a picture of Taylor and a small article. Just looking at the cover with that tractor brings back so many memories of that day at the fair.

My new challenge---I had prayed about this for many months, actually it was before Taylor's accident. I was praying about going to message therapy classes. I felt this is what God had next for me in life. I was all signed up to go in September, but of course that didn't happen. After the accident, I was questioning God, is this really something I should be doing, but still felt this is where He was leading, so I enrolled in the next class which started mid January. I try to pray every day, or at least the days that I go to class, that God will go with me, prepare me spiritually, mentally, physically for this class and the class for me. It is amazing, I realized I have really been sheltered----almost all my friends, or for that matter most everybody I know are Christians, so when I got into an environment where God is definitely not the priority in their minds or hearts, it is a strange feeling---sorta like alone in a crowd. I always try to pray that if God wants to use me as a witness in any way---that He will prepare me for whatever it is-----I really did not think it would be quite so quick though. This one teacher asked me probably about the third week of school, if I was not at the orientation in September and I said yes---then i sorta hesitated and asked her if she knew why I never started at that time. She looked at me and said yes, i know and continued to say---I would be in bed if that happened to me with one of my kids. I said, yes it is horrible and before i could go on about just how horrible it really is, a little voice said in my head---tell her where all your help comes from--but my very next thought was- Oh no, not in front of all these people----what will they think--I want to fit in---satan came so fast with those thoughts, but I knew right then that was what my prayer was that morning---if God wanted me to say something----He would give me the opportunity and courage---so I said, if it were not for God I would be in bed too--God is my strength. Not a person said a word, nobody asked one question. The teacher just looked at me, she didn't really say much else---not sure what any of them thought. Now in one of my other classes the assignment is to write what our goals are. As I thought about this, I realized my main goal is to go through this valley of grief and come out on the other side with a closer relationship with God and hopefully have some sense of joy again. I am sure this teacher is not looking for that type of goal, but maybe that is just what God wants me to write about????
Does being busy help with the grieving process? No not really, yes i might not think about Taylor 24/7 every day, but instead of being on an even scale of sadness each day, I end up having alot more deep valley's where I can be going along, and all of a sudden something hits me so hard that I almost have to sit down. Just like I had to do my taxes this week. I took all our stuff, plus Brooke's and Taylor's to be done. I started with Taylor's and said I am not quite sure how to do this. He looks at it and says all these numbers---like what do you mean you don't know how to do this. I look at him and said very slowly, Taylor was killed this summer--his face went completely white and said, "oh, I forgot about that"---even though, it actually happened right down the road from him. So, of course we talked about it for a while, but had to think----that was how I use to be ---I would see a young kid in the obit's that died and would think, boy that is terrible, but in a day or so, go one with life and not think much about it anymore. That was the way it was for this guy---in fact, he did not even remember when he saw me, just plain forgot---but for me---that day changed my life forever, and not for a second will I ever forget. I read this on somebody's facebook, but thought how true it is. She wrote, 10% happens to you and 90% is how you react to it. My 90% reaction to any situation that God brings into my life is going to my testimony for Him. I can shine brightly for Him, or I can just be a dim little light in the corner that people walk by and never notice. Just like last week in the heaven bible study---he said when God is judging our lives---not whether we are going to heaven or not, but when He is judging our "works" to see what our rewards are going to be---He is going to take our lives into His hands and place it into the fire and what comes out is going to be the things we did to Glorify His Name---if we did nothing--or very little in His Name---then nothing will survive the fire---we will have no rewards. I pray my heart will always be on fire for God---and that I will always be ready and have my light shining. I pray that almost daily for my kids too---that God will be the center of our lives. I have seen and learned through all this tragedy----God is faithful, He wants nothing more than to have a relationship with me---He wants to talk with me daily---only if I am listening though will I hear His voice. Going to this Heaven Bible Study just makes Heaven so much more real. I always thought, heaven was a beautiful place and yes, i will love it there, but he pulls out so many more details that I never thought on or knew. It makes it so very exciting.
Yesterday for some reason I decided go check taylor's cell phone. We have left it activated, at least for a while longer. Yes, sometimes I just call his voice mail to hear his voice---it just makes him seem closer, and sometimes I am so scared i am going to forget what his voice sounded like. Anyway, when I checked his phone there were three missed calls. One left a message and it said everything I was feeling. It just tore at my heart---she is like the rest of us, missing him terribly, like she said, Taylor, I am missing you more than you will ever know---that part is true, Taylor will never know, but someday, someday, we will get to hold him and talk with him again. Yesterday, I heard something on WCRF that I thought was worth thinking on. He said spiritual maturity never comes cheaply and the road to maturity is a wrestling match. I thought in every storm I have a choice---either I can get bitter, depressed or I can draw closer to God and believe every one of his promises. So, I had to think would I trade all of this sorrow, sadness, grief which is definitely taking me on the road to maturity=== for a life of leisure---or one with only a little rain occasionally, instead of having a tornado that completely flatten me. It definitely made be cling to Jesus with both hands, which probably would never have happened. Also, I never would have seen and felt Jesus's presence in such a deep and personal way. Can i answer that question---would I trade it all?? My human self would say in a heart beat, yes, I will trade every second of it as quickly as possible, but my spiritual side, loves being this close to Jesus--He has become my very Best Friend.

God---My Great Comforter

2010-02-01T21:50:00.000-05:00

When I get up in the morning, what is the first thought that enters into my mind? Sometimes, I admit the first thoughts are all the things I need to get done in the next 24 hours, but I have found that if I can just surrender my day to God even before I get out of bed, the day will go much better. Beth Moore once said-- before you even get out of bed every day decide in your mind who is your Master for the day--who has control of your day---just who are am I going to serve. No, actually no one who is a Christian would conscientiously choose to serve anybody or anything but Jesus, but I have found unless I conscientiously think those thoughts, my priorities may become all mixed up for the day. Satan loves to get control of my mind and my day and take me down the road of despair, sadness, or even the "what if's", for that matter anything that can be discouraging---satan is just waiting for a small crack to get in the door.

It seems like Friday's can still be one of the worst days of the week for me. I got up last Friday, just feeling sad and very lonely---worse than I have for several weeks. I really did not know why, but those feelings were just in my heart. I had to make some phone calls, but the number I needed was on my cell phone, so I had to go through the saved messages to get to the number I wanted. I usually do not listen to any of them, but on Friday, when I came to the one from Craig (Taylor's teacher that left the message the day of his accident), I could not help myself, I just had to sit down and listen to it. Just listening to that message again, brought everything right back into clear focus, like it just happened today. It seems like when I am having a bad day, i know this probably sounds strange, but instead of stopping all my thoughts about those terrible moments and days that followed, it is like I am drawn to go back and go through those devastating days again. I don't know if this healing, or just a plain crazy thing to do. After I listened to Craig's message, I could not help but to cry a few tears. My heart was so sad. The rest of the morning, I just kept thinking about Taylor and at times cried a few more tears. I am sure God was right there beside me, even though for awhile i was lost in my grief and lost focus of Jesus's face. I just felt the whole day, I was on the verge of tears, and was wanting this day to be over and hoped tomorrow the clouds would not be so thick and heavy in my heart.
Like I said, God is so often my Great Comforter, and Friday was no different. I came down to the computer to write to someone's in their inbox on facebook. When I got on facebook, I by mistake was on Spencer's account, instead of my own. I went to the inbox to write my message and God opened my eyes to something He wanted me to see. I noticed that there was message there that was unread, so thinking it was mine, i started to read it. The more I read, the more my eyes filled with tears and my heart was both breaking and rejoicing. It was a friend of Taylor's that did not know our e-mail address, but wanted to write a memory in Taylor's memory for Christmas. She wrote this on Christmas morning at 2:38 AM. I am just going to post the whole thing, and give God all the Glory. She wrote

Dear Gasser Family, I am sorry I am writing my letter to you through facebook, but I still wanted to take part in your Christmas letters about Taylor. I met Taylor clear back at Sterling when we were little kids. We used to play soccer on the fields at recess. he was always so shy and quite, as we grew older we became friends through track and had many great laughs and wins together. Taylor would light up any room he walked into with his smile and I will never forget how perfect it was. After graduation I didn't see him around much but then I ran into him this past summer in July in Wooster. We talked for a bit and went our ways not knowing this would be our last meeting-----I am a fire fighter and an EMT for sterling and I remember hearing that call go out over my pager. it is something I will never forget in my lifetime----at the time i didn't know who it was but I remember just praying to God that it wasn't someone I knew. The next morning when I woke up my mom had called and told me who it was. I never in my wildest dreams expected it to be him. At Taylor's funeral I could barely function. I remember hugging each and everyone of you and feeling so empty and lost for words, but during his service something came over me. I remember Taylor's uncle preaching about how Taylor can't come to us, but we can go to him. I truly believe that Taylor was an Angel sent here to serve his purpose and i am here today to tell you that Taylor has changed my life completely. As i sat at his service with my classmates listening to what his uncle was saying I gave my heart to God completely. If no one else from that day from my class got anything out of what his uncle said just know this......Taylor saved my life and served his purpose. He truly is a blessing from God and I thank God for him everyday. I pray for your family everyday for God to give your family the strength to carry on. I honestly believe that God only gives you what He knows you can handle and I truly believe Taylor is up in heaven with God looking down on his family and friends everyday waiting for us to join him. Your son changed my life and I can't wait t to thank him someday for it! Merry Christmas and God Bless.

After reading this I just layed my head down on the computer desk and sobbed---God, You are my very best friend and my Great Comforter---You knew I needed this encouragement today. It is such encouragment to know that Taylor's death was not in vain----Perhaps other classmates, parents of classmates, friends are being saved because of his death. How many more gave their hearts to Jesus that day, or maybe in the days that followed???? It again reminds me that God has a perfect plan and does what is best for each one of His Children.. Would Taylor have given his life to "wake" up his friends----I believe he would have. He probably would not have said a quick "Yes", but after thinking about it a bit---I believe Taylor would have done it--- I can just see him looking down smiling and saying I am so glad you are choosing to live your life for Jesus----you will never ever be sorry!!!!! I pray there were many more sitting at Taylor's service saying those same words----giving their lives completely to Jesus.
I asked Spencer if he had ever read that in his inbox, He said he has never seen it. I just sat there and thought how God is so awesome and works everything out in His perfect timing----I can not get into spencer's facebook, because he has a password to get into it, but on this day----it was left open, so I just got into it by mistake, well in God's eye's it was no mistake, it was by His Hand directing me to it. Nothing, and I mean Nothing is "why accident", with God, everything is for a purpose or has a purpose in His Master Plan.
But God was not done encouraging me for the day. Jeff got the mail in and there was a card from Amber with a poem in it. Actually, I still get a card or two almost every week---God's people are amazing!! He uses them to carry and encourage me when I need it most. And what is so amazing is that they always come on just the right day--- a day when God sees I need to be carried for a while Anyway, I want to share it-----it fit just perfectly---What! is that a surprise---God in the right place at the right time!!!

"You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes & pray he'll come back,
or you can open your eyes & see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that he is gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn back,
or you can do what he'd want---smile , open your eyes, love and go on.

I can see Taylor saying each line to me---and yes, even though, my heart can be sad, I can also smile.

God was merciful,-- Saturday was a better day. Another one of Taylor's friends came over and brought some more pictures of Taylor---some were ones I have never seen. It again, makes my heart so sad, but so glad to have them. We talked for a couple of hours, but did notice that this time we did not spend the whole time talking about Taylor---so there must be some healing there. It is so nice to see and talk with Taylor's friends---it in some way makes me feel a little bit closer to him. I know it is so sad that i got to know his friends so much better through his death than in his life. That is a change I am trying to make with the other two---get to know their friends much better now. I also decided to go out to the cemetery on Saturday afternoon, again something I have not done in several weeks. Yes, i did cry a few more tears, but I guess that will be for a long time, because each time I go out there, the thoughts that keeps running through my mind are----he is way too young to be out here----this can't really be my reality----just why Taylor---and then I stand there and look at his picture----But I always stay long enough to let God answer each one of those questions---it is all the same answer----My Plan is perfect and someday you will understand----then I go home.
God is my Great Comforter now and forever!!!!!

Monday afternoon

2010-01-25T12:55:00.000-05:00

How am I doing now that it is over five months that our lives have changed forever. Yes, it is much better than those first couple of months. That was such deep sorrow that it is even hard to explain how my heart could ached so badly every minute of every day. God has healed some of that and for that I am very thankful. I have noticed that the grieving is a little bit different. It use to be that I felt an extreme sadness--one almost unbearable to stand 24/7, but now it feels like I have moved from that terrible place at least a little bit. It seems it now hits in waves. I, of course, will never forget, but I can go along for a few days and function half way reasonable, then out of no where it will hit me like a wave coming in out of the ocean at high tide and knocking me flat. For example this week was a hard week---I asked myself why was this week any different than last week. It just seemed every where I looked I was reminded of Taylor. It seemed that my eyes were focusing on all the things that belonged to Taylor. A couple of days ago, I was down the basement and I have walked by them a hundred times but this day was different---There were laying his tennis shoes---it hit me so hard that I could feel this deep sob coming up from my chest. I picked them up and just held them in my hands. They were old one with holes in them--and all beat up. They were so old, but ones he always wore. I know I should just throw them away, but they are so him, and throwing them away in some strange way feels like I am throwing a piece of him away. I don't know, maybe that is what I should do--maybe that would be part of healing. I sometimes wish I just knew what the right thing was to do. I know a counselor would say---Oh, you will know when it is right, --well ,i don't feel I do know what would be healing---sometimes I just feel stuck in sadness that will never go away--- Some days it seems like I will have is one memory after another---one memory may be the last conversation I had with him before I went to Illinois for Dawn's wedding, or it might be on those horrible days of the funeral and viewing. It is like I can be walking along looking ahead and without seeing it a big hole will pop up in front of me and I will trip and fall head first right into it. It is never a small one, or very seldom small, it is usually a great big crater and I have to fight to get out. I have used the verse in 2 Cor: 1:3 alot. Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all Comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles". God has been my great Comforter. The closer I get to Him the more calm i find myself. I know God never moves away from me---it is me moving away from God. I wonder why would I ever do that----but it does happen. Probably on the days I do feel a little bit better---I am not hanging onto God as tightly, and pretty soon my grip is slipping from Jesus's hand and guess what i am falling into one of those craters. I just need to remember Exodus 14:13-14. "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and I will see the deliverance the Lord will bring me today. The Lord will fight for me, I need only to be still" What an Awesome God we serve--and all His promises He gives us---WOW, i am back to hanging on with both hands.
As I was telling Spencer the other day, think of God as being your very best friend. He will never leave you, never be late, never too busy, never just not interested in what you are asking or saying. He is always right beside you---get close to Him now because God has told us we will have troubles in this world, and who would be more comforting to go to in those times than your very Best Friend---Jesus. I told him a relationship with Jesus is very similar as to a relationship with your family and friends. If you never take an interest in being best friends, it will never happen just on its own---all relationships takes time, effort to make them very good----oh, but they are so worth every minute you put into them----especially the one with Jesus. Then I asked Spencer how he would feel if his girlfriend never called and when you called or texted her, she would say, Oh, I will talk to you later---I am just busy now----and it went three days and she still did not make any effort to talk with you----how would that make you feel and what would you think. He said, I would be sad, and i would think could you not take five minutes to talk with me---why are you so busy. ---and then pretty soon, he would not call her as much, because he would think she really does not care anymore, but his heart would be sad. I told him that is exactly how Jesus would feel is somebody acted in that way---showed no interest in the relationship. Jesus loves us more than we will ever comprehend this side of Heaven and He wants nothing more than a relationship with us on a daily basis.
If somebody would have asked me what was the one thing that helped me the most through this valley of grieving, I would have to say memorizing those verses that God spoken to me through. Ron told me to do this long ago, and I am very glad I took his advice. Those memorized verses were sometimes the only thing I was hanging on to get me through some very rough hours. God talked so clearly though those verses many times. It was almost like I was having a conversation with Him. They would help hold me up in times i thought for sure I was going to drown. In the middle of the night when I wake up and this terrible reality just keeps picking away at my heart, until I think I can not take another minute of this, these verses will put a hedge around my heart and start to move out those terrible thoughts of despair and loss, and bring in ones of hope, God's promises, God's Amazing Grace, and His Glory. Sometimes when I am driving down the road, our life of "new normal" is so hard to take---I find myself just crying out to God, i hate this "new normal" we have to live with--I want our "old normal" back---but know deep in my heart that is not possible here on earth,---so I know the only comfort i am going to get is to start praying these verses back to God, and sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly God will pick me up and hold me.
As We still have some very hard things to do yet, which I know are going to be gut wrenching---God will carry me through on His promises---He will probably give me more verses to be carried on. One of those really hard things is Taylor's 21st birthday on April 1st---yes, he was a April fools baby---and he lived up to that name----he was always one for playing little pranks on people. Pray for the Plummer's, because Nathan's birthday is the 30th of this month---and I am sure this is going to be a very hard day. He would have been nineteen---way too young to have died, but whether we like it or not, it was God's plan to take him home, just like He took Taylor. The other big one is needing to pick out his tombstone. The thought of that just makes my stomach churn. I keep thinking how will I ever be ready for that!! It will only be by the Grace of God that we will get that done. Like somebody said, it will be the last thing we ever buy for him. Then I think, just how will I feel when I drive up that long drive to cemetery and see the tombstone with "Gasser" written great big across it, with Taylor's pic on it. I could fall into another big crater just thinking about it, but must remember God only gives Grace for the day, and today is not the day that we are to pick it out. God is faithful, so He will be right beside us when that day comes. Please continue to pray for us, as we know God hears each and every prayer of His children. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Five Months Today.

2010-01-15T10:39:00.001-05:00

As I sit here writing this, it is exactly five months ago today that I got that terrible phone call. We all have changed---we are not the same people, we have had to learn to live with a new normal---and I had to think just what does that look like. Just to name a few---there is always an empty place at the table, a bed is always empty, there is not snack papers laying all over the house, no work clothes laying on the floor in his bedroom, just an empty place in my heart, every holiday knowing somebody is missing, but on the flip side of that---my relationship with Jesus is so much deeper and personal, the outpouring of support and prayers from God's children is unbelievable. Just like today, I got a really nice card in the mail---amazing even after five months, we usually get at least one card a week. One of Taylor's friend's stopped by after school, just to see how we were doing. I have to say the compassion of people has really blown me away. Some of these people, I barely know, others have been friends for a long time. I met new people that I am developing a deep connection and friendship with. I am much more interested in building treasures in heaven, ones that will not burn. Spencer has given his heart to Jesus, so now we can all be reunited one day at the feet of Jesus.
About a month after Taylor's accident somebody told us to meet with a bereavement counselor, and gave us the name of a Hospice person. So, all of us went. The kids were not all that excited about going. Spencer kept saying all the way there, I sure hope I do not have to talk. We get there and walk in---we had to take a picture of Taylor---I am not sure why, but we did. We sat at a long table and the lady---I think her name was Barb sat across from us. At this point we were all pretty weepy yet, Kleenex boxes everywhere. I guess this room must have seen alot of grief. I did almost have to smile, because the first question Barb asked was "how are you feeling" and guess just who she looked at and asked, yep Spencer. He just sorta stuttered around, not knowing quite how to answer her. It was sorta interesting, she gave each of us a big white poster board and said to divide it in half and make one half our lives before the accident and the other half after the accident----we realized at this point everything in our lives now will be classified as before Taylor or after Taylor. Of course we all had "happy" pics before Taylor, but after we all had sorta different pic's---some were lonely, some crying, some with sad faces, some with empty spots like around the table, empty boots. Then we all got up and explained what each picture meant---it helped us to realize what each of us were feeling. What Spencer pointed out was rather interesting not one of us put a picture of anger on our poster's. I do have to say, each of us has had spells of anger, but as of now, none of us are stuck in anger. This is where the beginning of this blog got started. Barb had said, a good way to work through grief is through journeying. I thought, well, maybe, but I really do not like to write on paper, but sometime later, I thought maybe typing out my thoughts and feelings might be a good thing. I thought I would just write for my own purpose, but as I was setting up this blog and where it said I could either have it private, or let others read it----God again whispered in my ear---let it open for any to read----that was rather intimidating for me----because I am not one to usually tell how I am feeling, and especially for all the raw and painful feelings I was feeling. I am one to usually cover up my true feelings---I hardly ever if ever wear them on my sleeve. So, i decided that this was not going to be only my Blog, but mostly God's. I prayed His Name could be Glorified through this terrible tragedy just like it says in Rev 4:11 :You are worthy, our Lord and God to receive glory and honor and power."----. I pray every time I write that God will actually write it for me---what He wants me to say and then I usually pray when I am done and ready to send that God will take it to the people He wants to read it. So, if you are reading this, remember nothing is a coincidence, no mistake---God wanted you to be reading it----probably one reason hopefully you will remember to pray for us, so for me, it turned into a real blessing----alot of God's children have become prayer warriors for me---praying for us every single day----God knew we were going to need prayer and support and you all have done a great job---I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for each and every prayer, card, phone call, email you have sent. It is so true God's ways are so much different and bigger than ours.
As I sit here and think back over the last five months, there were times, I actually thought, will I make it through this---the pain was so overwhelming., and I quickly realized God was the only one going to get me through--because I was just too weak to survive by myself. For example, one day, I went out into the shed where Taylor's fourwheeler was all covered up, but I just had to look at it, so I pulled the cover off and just climbed upon the seat and just sat there. I put my hands on the handle bars and thought, this is the last thing Taylor touched. He had his racing stickers all over the bike----I thought just why did I never go and watch him race. He would have loved that, just why did i not go. I know why really---I was scared to watch, afraid he might get hurt----how ironic---scared he might get hurt. I learned a hard lessen here. If he was going to get hurt---he was going to get hurt whether i was there or not. I wish I would have went at least once. When that 4wheeler first came home after it was fixed, I thought I can not stand to look at it and wanted to get rid of it right away---now, when I look at it----I can just see him sitting on it and when I would talk with him, it was usually while he was washing it or fixing it---it seems that where ever this 4 wheeler was, Tay was not far behind. When I was out there in the garage, Jeff says there in that sack is Taylor's clothes he had on that night--the hospital gave them to me that night. As I stood there looking at that brown paper bag, did i want to look or did I not want that memory to deal with. Something inside of me wanted to look, to feel those clothes in my hands. I am not sure it was a good thing or not. There was his jeans---the ones I had washed many, many times cut down the middle---I guess that is how they took them off of him, his work boots, his socks, underwear. I just stood there holding them, by this time tears were running down my cheeks----again too much reality for my heart to take.
Going to the grocery store the first time after Taylor was much harder than I expected. I had not had to go for a pretty long time---people had brought alot of food, which was a huge relief for me, because I had little interest in eating, so I did little cooking. I was amazed how many people stopped and talked with me at the grocery store----some people do not know what to say, and just quickly say hi and move on, but I respect the ones that actually asked how are you "really" doing and mean what they were asking. I knew as I would tell my story and how I was doing, that they were going away praying for me----or at least I was hoping they were. I knew prayer was my life line to surviving. Usually people would say---"I am praying for you" or something to that effect, but i was rather impressed, one lady I was talking with for a while in one of the grocery aisle---she said instead---, "can i pray for you right now." She took my hands and prayed right then and there for me. Getting groceries that first time was much harder than I ever expected it to be. As I would be walking down the aisles getting my items, I would find myself putting stuff in my cart that Taylor wanted or liked. Then it would hit me---why are you buying that---Taylor is not here to eat it any more----it would hit me like a shock wave---and rock my body to the core---The first couple of times, i could not be in there very long until I just knew I had to get out and go home. Maybe because it is five months today, that so many memories keeps coming to mind. I know I will be healing probably for the rest of my life, but that is Ok, I will not be completely healed until I reach heaven.

Wayne County Fair 2009

2010-01-09T20:48:00.005-05:00

I am here by myself tonight, everybody went to the basketball game. I like to write when it is quite----I always pray God will take over my thoughts and words and take me where He wants me to go with this blog. With God's strength, I think we are healing some from our broken hearts---they were broken into a million pieces on August 15th, and yes, it will take a long time to put those pieces all back together, and no, they will never be put back just the way it was----we have all changed---we all have different priorities now--we are trying to build treasure that will not be burned by the fire, but will last in all eternity. In our Daniel bible study one of the questions was "When did you last hear something that dumbfounded you?" It took me less than a second to answer that question-----that terrible phone call from Jeff on that Saturday night---not only was I dumbfounded, I was completely flatten. I am sure God used this terrible tragedy for many reasons----to touch hearts--to change lives---but I had to ask myself, what God, do you want me to learn from something that actually knocked the wind right out of me and took me straight to the ground. As I look back-- what have I learned. I have learned that God will never take me places or through a fire that He is not right there with me to encourage and help me through, and need be, carry me at times. He will only give Grace for each day, never look ahead and think how will I ever get through that day---I found out--God has not yet given Grace for tomorrow, just for today-wake up each day and live it like it could be my last one here on earth, or maybe the last one for somebody that I love dearly----God is truly the only one that can comfort a broken heart---and just when I would think, I am going to die from a broken heart---God would grab me in a hug and pull me close to Him, either by His presents of His Spirit, or sometimes by phone calls, maybe an e-mail, or perhaps a comforting card in the mail---He was always faithful. Just for example, the last several days have been "down" days, just missing Tay a lot and feeling extremely sad, and today God had Ron call and encourage me. He is always a great encourager---he helps me to refocus my thoughts and feelings. Also, I got a really nice card from Doris in the mail. It is just and encouragement to know people are still being our prayer warriors. I had several other phone calls from friends, just wanting to know how I was doing and that they were still praying for us. I realize the things that use to stress me out---no longer matter. What matters the very most is my relationship with Jesus----because without Him I would have drowned in sorrow long ago. I know without a shadow of a doubt that no matter what lies ahead, God will be with me, and He will always equip me with the armor I will need to fight any battle---yes, I may come out with scars, but when i look at those scars I will remember where I have been and Who brought me through. In Psalms 57:10--it says "For great is Your love--reaching to the heavens: Your faithfulness reaches to the skies." I just had to sit back and think on this. I had to think just how far is heaven above the earth----some of the stars are light years away and we can still see them, we can't even comprehend how far it is----God's loves us so much, again, we can not even begin to wrap our minds around how much. We think we love our kids soooo much, nobody could love them more, but our love is not even in comparison to how much God loves each one of His children. His faithfulness reaches to the skies---I have seen and felt His faithfulness, but I am sure that is just a touch of the iceberg of how great His faithfulness really is---
This week had some tough moments, even the kids said this was a hard week----I am not sure why, it just was. I think our minds are letting in more and more that Taylor is really gone. One day, I just had to go upstairs and take out some of his shirts and just hold them in my hands. I took out a pair of his jeans and held them----I just stood there holding them and was thinking how can this really be true that Taylor will never be wearing any of this again---but then God just sorta whispered in my ear---Don't be sad, he is in a much better place---he does not need those clothes anymore.

I am going back now to the day of the Wayne County Fair. It was a very bittersweet day. It was warm and sunny. Diane's family, and all of us went to the fair in the morning. This was the day of the local tractor pull. Craig Marty was going to pull in Taylor's memory---he and some friends had spent many hours repainting the same tractor that Taylor had pulled the year before. I really did not want to even go to the fair, but Jeff thought we should since they were planning on reading a tribute in memory of Taylor before his class pulled. I knew this was going to be a day where I would spend most of it in tears, because I knew how much Taylor loved the fair---he would rush home from work, and quickly change clothes---sometimes not even time for a shower--and rush back out of the house for a night at the fair---he went every single night. One of his most favorite parts of the fair were the times he got to pull his tractor---so now I am suppose to go watch this, and not cry buckets--not possible. Diane, I and the kids went early because we wanted to hear the bands playing. We got there and soon walked over to the grandstand to listen the bands. April, Autumn came and sat with us. Pretty soon, Jeff comes over and says the tractor is now here, do you want to see it. I felt my stomach drop, because no really I did not want to see this tractor that had bit stickers on it that read "In Loving Memory of Taylor Gasser"-----more reality and my heart could not take any more----I felt tears very close, but really did not want to take to sobbing, because I knew if I gave in to those tears that were threatening to spill over, I would not be able to stop. We decided maybe it would be better to go see this tractor now , so when it was pulled it would not be the first time we seen it. The bands are playing---the drums are pounding---April even made the comment---maybe getting away from those drums would be a good thing. As we are walking across the field, we had to walk by the band that was playing-- it was so loud we could not even talk. As we get closer and closer to the tractor, i felt my heart getting sadder and sadder, if that was even possible. As we finally get across the field, and we are walking up to this tractor, i could not take it anymore,-- I just broke down and took to crying----I just knew how much Taylor would have loved this tractor and to have been able to pull it---it was painted a very bright and pretty red, looked like a new one, but looking at those big stickers on the sides, just knocked the breathe right out of me. As we all stood there with all our hearts aching and crying softly thinking about Tay and missing him horribly. Diane all of a sudden says----hey, what is that song the band is playing----we all stopped and listened for a few seconds, then April says, i think it is "Amazing Grace". No longer the loud drums, but the beautiful playing of Amazing Grace. This touched all of our hearts and I am not sure about anybody else, but I could not take any more and I once again took to sobbing-we all thought, just what are the chances that a high school bank would be playing Amazing Grace, and more spectacular yet, just at that precise moment--we just knew God was right there beside us---saying----I know your hearts are breaking, I am with you--I will carry you,---Just remember, Yes, I took Taylor but he is with me. It seemed like every time we would think we can not breathe another breath because our hearts were so broken---God would in some way remind us that He was right beside us and that Taylor was with Him. If you remembered Taylor was wheeled out of the church the day of his funeral on Amazing Grace (that was not the song we picked for Tay to to out on---but now we have seen over and over why God picked it. He has encouraged and strengthen us many times through this song. I always have loved Amazing Grace, but now it has taken on a whole new meaning when I hear it. Anyway as we stood there looking at that tractor and listening to Amazing Grace being played, God once again was my great Comforter. I just knew God will get me through this day----even if He had to carry me the entire day. As i remember right, I think that is just what happened---i was in the arms of Jesus that whole day. I think we took at least a hundred pictures of that tractor and us standing by it. We decided to walk around the fair for a while, because the pull did not start for several hours. As Diane and I were walking by the pork loin station, Lisa came over and said, I want you to meet somebody. She said this lady has lost 3 of her 8 kids, and she has made it through the valley of grief, not once but three time and she is joyful in the Lord. Of course, I wanted to meet her---I was thinking, how could anyone lose three kids and not be bitter, or at the very least extremely sad. When i saw her, the first thing I noticed was the love shining through her eyes. She hugged me and cried with me--I knew she felt my pain, but she had something i wanted---I knew it was not going to be today, but someday I wanted what she had---she had what God said He would do---"I will turn your mourning into gladness, give you comfort and joy, instead of sorrow" I knew she made it through the valley of grief. Quickly, her story. A 19 year old son was killed in an accident, 15 year old son--died quickly from an illness, 30 something year old son died of a long devastating illness---she watched him die inch by inch, but through it all---she loved Jesus with all her heart. When i asked just how did you make it---with tears in her eyes, all she did was point up to Jesus. She was a real testimony to me---she took no credit of her own, she knew it was all by the Grace of God---even though, I had cried already buckets of tears this day, I had to cry a few more, but I knew that if I kept my eyes focused on Jesus, He would take me step by step, moment by moment through this very deep valley.
Now, it was time to go back over to the grandstand to watch the tractor pull. Actually, I could not wait until this day was over, the sadness was almost overwhelming, but knew God would help me through--He always says He will give Grace where Grace is needed--and I was in big need of that now. We are all sitting up in the grandstand---all of us, plus all of Max's and their kids. It was a beautiful afternoon, sun shining, warm, people cheering for each puller. I knew they were going to read a tribute for Taylor right at the beginning of his class---I was getting to the point of just wishing it would hurry up and get here---so it could be over. About half way through the class before his, they started to announce that all the mechanic kids that were in Tay's class and the ones that already graduated to come down and start to line the track in front of the grandstand----I was starting to feel that bubble of emotion getting ready to erupt in my chest. I thought please God, don't let me lose it here. About this time, Spencer gets a tex from one of Taylor's friends that was standing on the line, wanting us to come down as a family and stand with them. I thought, I can not do this---I am sure my knees are going to buckle. Diane say, I think you really should go down there with Jeff, Brooke and Spencer---you will probably be sorry if you choose not to. I knew she was right, so I did go down with them. Now, it is time for Taylor's class to pull---Jeff, Me, Brooke and Spencer are standing right in front of the grandstand---there are boys lined up on both sides of us along the track. We are hanging on tightly to each other as the announcer starts to read the tribute we wrote up for Tay. We are all sobbing almost uncontrollably all the way through the tribute---it was all so Taylor, and all I could think about was how much he would have loved to been here pulling on such a pretty afternoon and he was never going to be able to do this again. After the announcer read the tribute, he had everybody stand in the grandstand for a moment of silence. As I looked up and seen everybody standing with most having their heads bowed, I lost it, but then we all pretty much did---even alot in the crowd were crying. After a few minutes of silence while all were still stand, Craig (the one pulling in Taylor's memory), slowly drove this tractor down the track, I was sobbing so hard by now, i could barely stand, but like I said, we were hanging on to each other--trying to hold each other up, if we had not been, I am sure we all would have been a nice big puddle on the ground. Even as i sit here and write this, tears are running down my cheeks. I am hoping like they said in our Grief share, each time you revisit a very painful episode a little bit of healing takes place---I certainly hope that is true. This was a very nice tribute for Tay, but also extremely painful. After the tribute, we did stay and watched until Craig was done pulling. Again we went over to where he was and thanked him, and of course cried a few more tears on his shoulder. We took more pictures, then we started to head to the car. I have to say many, many people did stop and talk with me, and tried to encourage me, but this day was a day, where the only thing that was beginning to look comforting was my pillow. The thing that will stick in my mind forever about this day is how God very mercifully had the band play Amazing Grace at exactly the perfect moment. It just showed his presence so clearly. Even though the day was extremely painful---filled with memories of Tay---I knew deep in my heart what Isa: 43:2 says was going to be true "When I pass through the waters, I (GOD)will be with you. When I pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over me. When I walk through the fire, I will not be burned."
This day has been almost exactly four months ago---and yes, when I revisit the memories of that day, they still make me cry and are very painful, but i have also seen how God has brought a measure of healing to my heart and for that I am very thankful.

Accident Site

2010-01-04T01:46:00.000-05:00

Well, here it is 2010 and the holidays are over. The kids are all back in school and i am here by myself. How does that make me feel? I am certainly glad the holidays are over. With the kids all gone, it is certainly quite---but that is not always bad---it gives me time and quietness to spend with God. That is a lot of times when I can feel His presences. New Year's was not nearly as sad as Christmas. In fact, it went quite well. The Plummer's from Latty were in the area, so they stopped by and we all went out to lunch and spent the afternoon together. It is always nice to be with them. They can relate to how we feel---and where we are. We can talk about memories of our son's, about the sadness of missing them, how to cope with the grief in all of this. We can encourage each other. Like Rick said---I wish we would never had to meet---meaning wishing our sons were still alive, but that was not God's plan---but in our brokenness, God brought us together to comfort each other, and to start a bonding friendship.

I am going to go back to the day I went out to the accident site. At first, I could not go and see where Taylor left this earth for eternity. It was just too hard---the shock of him dying was still shaking my body constantly, and seeing where it all happened was too much reality---my mind could not take it in. I knew one day it would be right for me to go and that day came probably a month or so after it happened. It was still warm. I picked a nice sunny day to go. I had heard so many details by now about how it all happened, I just wanted to sit and visualize it all in my mind. I drove slowly out to the site, parked my car and got out. I walked over to this culvert---it looked innocent enough, in fact at first glance it was almost peaceful. There was little stream running by a rock, the water was bubbling and making some calming noises. I stood there looking at the two white crosses, one saying "we love you, Taylor Gasser", the other one is bigger but blank. There were flowers all around the crosses. Somebody had built the crosses up and mulched around them. There were two little tractors beside the crosses---because one of his friends heard at the funeral in Brooke's tribute that Tay loved tractors from the time he could barely crawl. There was a noz can---something Tay always would be drinking---(as if he was not hyper enough)--a picture of Tay with some friends. As I stood looking at all this, tears just started to roll down my cheeks thinking how could this possibly have happened!!---then I was thinking how these kids loved Taylor and was missing him terrible just like the rest of us. Then my focus went down to the rock where Tay hit his head that night. I seen somebody had washed the rock of any remaining blood and put some daisies (there is a story with daisies) on the rock. This was more than I could take, i had to sit down and sob this moment out. As i sat there , I started to calm down and felt the sun on my back and heard the little creek bubbling along---I let my mind go back to that night and how it must have played out. It was a hot summer evening. The kids were all happy to be together on a Saturday night after a week of work to have some nice clean fun. Do you think it ever entered one kid's mind that somebody was going to die tonight----I am quite sure it didn't. They all had plans for that night, the next day, even the next week---death was the furthest thing from any of their minds. Just like Taylor, a day or so later after the accident, i opened his phone just to see who was calling him to hear his voice mail message---and I happened to see all the plans he had made for the next day and week---and i can tell you, not one of them was plans to be in Gilllman's funeral home----it just made me think---our life is just like it says---only a breathe away from eternity--life is just a vapor, a mist---so short and gone so quickly. Anyway back to that night. Several kids brought 4 wheelers that night and they were going from one farm to another so they were riding then. Several of them started out first, then Jake got on the back of Tay's and they wanted to catch up to these other guys. Taylor had just gotten this four wheeler exactly two months before and loved riding it. I have to say, Tay was a kid that often threw cautious to the wind, and loved adventure. He wanted to catch up with these other guys, and knowing Tay wanted to pass them----just to show them his was maybe a little bit faster. As he got up to this one kid's bike, Taylor started to pass, but kids being kids, this boy probably thought, you are not going to pass me tonight, and pulled over just a little bit. It was just enough for Taylor's front tire to hit his back tire and it caused Taylor to start to lose control.---But that was not so disastrous, and certainly not the first time---Taylor just went down into the ditch---the ditch was not that deep, so Tay straddled the ditch. Now why he rode like this for so long is a mystery, or I guess I should say----it was all in God's perfect Plan, because Tay had plenty of time to pull his bike back onto the road, or go into the field, or just plain stop---but he did none of these. I could just see his face at this point----Jake would have been hanging on tight, Tay's hair would have been blowing straight back, Tay would have had a smile on this face, thinking---that kid got me this time, but I will get him next time. Little did Tay know that his seconds on this earth was ticking away and he soon was going to be in eternity. As he is riding through this ditch, speed was probably not a factor at this point, because he could not been able to see all that well. What was going through Tay's mind as his eyes focused on that culvert that came out of nowhere. It looked like he quickly turned to the right trying with all his might to get his bike back up on the road, but oh, a second too late---the back wheel catches the culvert and flips him, Jake, and the bike backwards. Jake said, he felt every muscle fiber in Taylor's body go taunt. Jake flys off the bike and lands across the little creek in the soft dirt. He comes away with only a couple of scratches. The bike lands across the creek too on little tree--breaks it to the ground. Taylor lands head first on a rock, way down in the culvert---. As I sat there visualize all this---my mind kept wanting to scream----why God, why God, WHY could Taylor not have flown over the creek and landed on the soft dirt too, or why not in the creek water, or maybe, just maybe on the rock, but did it have to be head first---could it not have been his leg, arm, just why his head. I could have crumbled to the ground in all my "why", which I knew in my mind I was not going to get any answers for. But in my heart---I could hear this little small voice saying over and over---first quietly, but it did get louder and louder saying----"I know this is terribly hard---I cry with you----but always remember My Plan is Perfect!!! I make NO Mistakes." I knew God was there right beside me---actually holding me up-----As a side note, much later in one of our grief share study, each day it has a statement that says "to always remember this" and this day it fit perfectly. It said "The most important lesson you can learn in your grief is that God is sovereign. That means He is in control of everything-----nothing happens that is not filtered through His hand. God's ways are incomprehensible and far more glorious than you could imagine." When I think of the accident site---I always try to think of this statement. If I let satan get an inch here, it is not long before he can have a mile----then I find myself in real trouble. I just have to be Ok not knowing "why" God chose Taylor that night----but realize it really was no accident---there are not accidents with God. I just have to Trust God with it all. Back to that night, as i sat there, i wondered, as Tay was flying through the air---what was he thinking? Just one week earlier Brooke had a bad accident and totalled her SVU, but she said the one thing that struck her that she will never forget as she was losing control and flying all around, she said her mind was in very slow motion and she was very conscience of what was happening, and her thinking was very clear. She said, she kept thinking is this the way I am going to die as she seen the cement wall flying towards her at 60mph. As she told me this story the next day, I remember saying, be sure and tell Taylor that story, so she did a day or so later. Was there a purpose in Brooke having that accident just one week before and then telling Taylor her last thoughts before hitting the wall---remember no accidents with God----everything has a purpose. One of the kids said Taylor was mumbling something as he lay dying on that rock. Was he talking with Jesus???? As I sat there on that sunny summer day, I thought, just think a heavenly bean---probably an angel came down and said----Ok, Taylor it is time for you to come with me---I can just see a confused look on Tay's face, saying "what, where we going--did I die---naw--that can't be---Oh, no, mom is going to be so sad---she always told me this might happen." The angel probably smiled and said "Jesus will take care of your mom". Maybe the angel even left Tay stay hovering above his body long enough to see the ambulance come and take him away. Another side note---one friend did email me a while back and said she almost died having one of her kids and she had an out of body experience, just like I said---she was above the table watching her body being worked on. She said, she has never experience such unexplainable peace and she said even after just having her little boy, she did not want to come back---she wanted to go with the angel. So, Tay probably did not waste alot of time thinking about how sad I was going to be, he probably also felt this peace and had no desire to come back, even though in my human self, I wish him back at least a hundred times a day----but in my heart---I know he is where I want to be---like somebody said not long ago--we are not sad where they are at, we are just sad that we are here missing them---perfectly said. After spending a hour or two out at the site, i was ready to come home. I felt drained---I had just been where my son had died, my heart was achy, couldn't sob another tear----I tried to not dwell too long on how hard his head must have hit the rock---how his body was laying----that was all too painful. I do pray for the kids that were there that night and seen it all ---I am sure it is a scene not one of them will ever forget---one girl said in her memory of Taylor, she thinks of it every day. One last thing yet----somebody gave me this song--it also fits perfectly----is this God in action or what in how He provided just the right song, message, e-mail, phone call at the exact time I fee like I can't take another minute of this pain or loss. The song is "Rejoice in the Lord" I will not write it all, but just the parts God had jump out at me---"God never moves without purpose or plan when trying his servant and molding a man. Give thanks to the Lord though your testing seems long and hard. In darkness He giveth a song. I could not see through the shadows ahead, so I looked at the cross of my Savior instead. O rejoice in the Lord he makes no mistakes. He knoweth the end of each path that I take. For when I am tried and purified, I shall come forth as gold." I am trying to live each day as it could me my last, or the last for someone I love---I want to live each day with No Regrets, or the day I get to see Jesus face to face, then i of course will grab Taylor and say" what were you thinking that night---I told you to be careful and to wear your helmet every time you ride!!!" only kidding---actually, to give him the biggest bear hug and say we are finally home forever and ever.

Christmas of 2009

2009-12-27T18:41:00.001-05:00

We did go to Wheeling to see the Christmas lights on Wed. We left about 5:00, then we met Brooke and BJ at our motel. The lights were really pretty neat. It is a six mile drive. We ate first, so by the time we got to the lights, the line was non existing, we just drove through with a few cars in front of us. It was really nice, because we could stop and take pictures anytime we wanted. Then the next day, which was Christmas Eve, we got up and decided to go to Cabela's to look around--BJ, Spencer and Jeff had never been there. God blessed the weather, it was pretty both days. We got home and went to Diane's for Christmas Eve. We usually have our own little Christmas on Christmas Eve, but decided we could not do that, we had to do something different. It actually went well. It was exciting to watch the kids open their presents---it is always fun to see Christmas through the eyes of the kids. We wanted Christmas to be something different, something we never have done before. I found out you can do whatever you want, it does not make the hurt any less painful. As I woke up Christmas morning, I heard it pouring down rain, I thought that is just what my heart feels like--pouring tears of sorrow. I just wanted to pull the covers over my head and pray the day could just be over. Christmas was a lot different than Thanksgiving. Tay's absent was felt in every fiber of my body. I knew though, I did not want to spend the day in tears. I finally crawled out of bed came downstairs and just stood there looking at Taylor's picture---wishing with all my heart he could be here, but knew that was gone forever. I lit the candle and just watched it burn---with my mind drifting off to other Christmas's. Nobody said anything much about Taylor, we all knew if we talked about him, we would all be sobbing. Even though, we never talked about him much, our hearts were all broken in a million pieces, you could just see it on all our faces. We had the kids open their stocking stuffers first. Yes, Taylor's was laying right there beside the rest, but it was not empty---it had a lot of memories stuffed in it. The kids were great---some put them out at the cemetery, some brought them over and visited--some e-mailed. Thank you all who took part in this memory of taylor---I have not read very many, it is just too sad for the moment, but the time will come when I will--yes, i am sure I will shed a few tears, but if I tried to do it now, I would be sobbing---probably uncontrollably. After the kids were done with that, Brooke and BJ took over the kitchen and cooked us a delicious brunch. We sat and ate for a while---we just kept it light conversation---but every once in awhile, i could not help myself, I would find myself, just staring at Taylor's picture sitting there on the bow window. My heart was breaking and knew sometime in this day, I will need to "spend time" with taylor. We then went back into the livingroom and opened the rest of the gifts. We did pretty well, until the last two presents. The Rheem's (where the accident happened) got the kids a T-shirt just like the one Taylor use to wear everywhere, and I mean everywhere---I almost had to peel it off of him to wash it. It was navy blue Yamaha T-shirt. They got one just like it---same color and everthing---,but when we turned it around on the back it had Taylor's famous made sticker---In Loving Memory of Taylor Gasser and in the middle was his racing number 614. It was like taylor just popped into our Christmas---but was still absent. We all lost it on this one. His absent was so strong, we just could not take it anymore---the pretending was over. We did recover, but we had moved to a different place----each of our hearts were breaking almost uncontrollably. BJ. held Brooke until she cried though the moment. He did not seem uncomfortable with all our sorrow, even though he was not here through any of it. We asked him if he wanted to see where it happened, and he wanted to see it. So, we all got into the car and drove over to where it happened. It was silent ride, each was in their own thoughts. We all got out and just stood there looking at the crosses, flowers, and the rock where he died. It was cold, windy, cloudy about to rain---just the way my heart felt. Jeff explained to BJ how it all happened, but other than that we just all stood there in silence, again lost in thought. When we got back to the house---Jeff wanted to go up to Barb's for his side of Christmas, but at this point, I felt like I just wanted to be alone---like I said---I needed time to "spend" with Taylor and that feeling was getting stronger and stronger. I told him, I just could not go up there and he took that well---I think one look at me and he understood what I was saying. Brooke and BJ left in their car to go up to Barb's also---she wanted BJ to meet them for the first time, but she was feeling alot like me, so she did not want to stay very long. When they left, I just sat a while longer looking at his picture and remembering some of the good times, but as of now, memories are so bittersweet, they just make me cry. I just had to hear his voice, so I went and called his cell phone. His voice mail message is so Taylor---what he says is just him. I called it twice to just hear him talk---did it make me feel any better----no, much worse, more lonely, but I just had to do it. It was like I wanted to connect with him again. I looked at some more pictures of him, then I just wanted to go to the cemetery to talk to him----I know he is not there, but that is the closes i am going to get to him here on this Earth. So, I drove slowly out there with tears running down my cheeks. When i get ready to pull in, I see Brooke and BJ are standing out by Taylor's grave. I thought it was best to let those two alone, so I just drove around until they left. I think Brooke felt alot like me today---she just had to "connect" to Taylor in some way---She said by the time she left the cemetery, she felt drained and worn out. I drove up that looooog drive once again. It was getting dark, it had rained lot today. Water was standing on Taylor's grave. I just stood there looking at his grave, i could feel the emotions starting to bubble up inside my chest---I knew I was at my breaking point. I just took to sobbing trying to talk to him---I know he is dancing on those streets of gold, but my heart was anything but dancing. I reached down to check to see if any of his friends were out there leaving any memories, and sure enough two more. I am not sure why I did this, but I did. I took them back to car and read them. It was from two of this best friends, they both were there the night he died---they wrote about that---I thought, my heart can not take any more today. I just sat there and sobbed, by now it was almost dark. I finally, got the strength to go home. This was a day, I felt so utterly exhausted and sad, I could not pray for myself, so I am very thankful that others were praying for me. I had to think where would I have been if nobody was praying in my behalf----I was never so glad to crawl back into bed that night---thinking this day is finally over. It is days like this that you just know in your head that God is truly the Great Comforter, even though I might not have felt it so much in my heart today, but I just have to take a moment or two and remember all He has brought me through and know without Him, i would never make it through this journey, well not as a whole person. I would probably make it, but just only a small part of my heart would be here.
The day after Christmas, Brooke and I both wake up with the flu. I hardly even cared, I thought staying in bed, didn't even sound that bad, but I did not realize what staying in bed with nothing to do would take me. It is times like these that it would have been great if there could have been a little switch inside my heart to shut off. I don't know what ached more my heart or my body. I felt too drained to cry, I just felt an overwhelming sadness---wondering will this ever end---will i truly make it through this. There is a picture of Tay along with the rest of the kids beside my bed, I spent alot of time just looking at that picture. I again was so happy to end another day (Oh, it is beginning to sound like I am wishing my days over). Today, I did feel alot better and am very thankful for that. Every body went off to church, I decided I was not feeling well enough for that. This afternoon, Kirk came by to drop off his memories. He also brought another really good picture of Taylor right before they went skydiving. In this one---Tay is all smiles, and looks like he has the world by the tail, and i had to think, in less than two weeks after this picture was taken he was in eternity---looking at that picture, it was just unbelievable hard to think he is really gone. Kirk stayed and we visited for a couple of hours about all the good times each of us had with Taylor. It is so good to talk about him, it just seems to bring him right to the table with us, but all too soon it is over and he is again gone. Then Brooke and BJ left to go back to MI for the week. He was very kind to spend Christmas with us, since he is only home for a couple of weeks on leave, but I will miss Brooke this week. She has come to help pull me out of the "pit" on bad days on more than one occasion---I guess Spencer will have to take over that job this week:). These last several days have been very hard days, and thankfully most are not this hard. The one thought that keeps radiating thought my mind is that God never makes mistakes, no not one---He knows what He is doing every minute of every day. He only does what is best for each of us---His plan is always perfect. As I was doing my grieve bible study today--- there was a part where it says to always remember---and of course God was right there picking me up again, yes i fell into the pit for a spell, but He will never let me there---it says, Great suffering will occur in this fallen world, but God can turn EVERY situation around for an even GREATER good. We may not see how a person's EARLY death could be good for that person or for those left behind, BUT GOD KNOWS THE WHOLE STORY, AND WE MUST TRUST HIM IN HIS GREAT LOVE TO KNOW WHAT IS BEST. Now doesn't that say it all----God knows what He is doing, my job is to trust Him. I feel like I have fallen down these last several days--I want to question God, Why Taylor, now I need to get up shake off the dust and take one day or even one moment at a time---and know God is there, even on those days, i don't feel Him, in fact some days, He might even feel really far away-and I can feel very alone---but know He never will leave me.
Thank you for all your prayers, please continue to pray for us---this is very long journey with some very deep valleys. And thank you all for your memories---they really do not have to stop now because Christmas is over---I will take any and all you want to give me.

Taylor's Friends

2009-12-22T23:35:00.002-05:00

I am really glad that Brooke came up with the idea of writing memories of Taylor to put in his stocking for Christmas. A lot of his friends have taken the time and effort to write memories, some even brought them over. It was so nice to see some of Taylor's friends. I want to thank each of you who took the time to do this. Like I have told them, these memories will become treasures for us. We have not read many, it is just too painful this year. Talking with these kids and listening to their memories of Taylor are so bittersweet. I can just see Taylor doing what they are talking about. He just becomes so alive through their conversations---It touches my heart how these kids have so many fun and good memories. But on the flip side of the coin, it makes my heart ache to listen to these stories---it just feels like he should soon be walking through the door and saying "Hey, family---I am home" like he always did when he came home from college and then drop all his dirty laundry and book bag, computer bag on the floor and walk over to talk with us. Oh, how I miss that kid, but know he is having Christmas every day in Heaven.
For Christmas this year, I took all the pictures except the ones with him in them on the bow window and put them away and put up the 8x 10 picture Kirk gave us where Taylor was skydiving. I put a candle beside his picture and every evening we light it and burn it until we go to bed. Today I got one red and one white carnations and put in a vase beside his picture. We have an angel also beside the vase. It is a way to remember Tay, No, we are not going to forget him, but it makes him be a special part of Christmas It is very sad every night when I light the candle, and stand looking at his picture---I just have to think how different this year is from last--our normal for last year is over forever, and we are trying to find a new normal to be able to live with.
Brooke's boyfriend from MI which is in the navy is home on leave and he is here visiting until after Christmas. I am very thankful for that---anything that is different from last year will help.
We went and helped Brooke today unpack at the new school. I am trying to keep as busy as possible for these next days. I just don't want alot of time to actually think about how horrible this really is. In our grief share group---every body was pretty quiet and sad---it is most everybody's first Christmas without their loved one.
We are planning on all going to Wheeling tomorrow evening and viewing the Christmas lights at Ogle Park----I don't even care if we have to wait three hours in line to get through the park----at least I will not be home. I know doing different things is not going to take the pain away---but maybe, just maybe it will dull it a tiny bit. God is always faithful---He gave me this verse the other day---Psalm 91:4-5 "God will cover me with His feathers, and under His wings, I will find refuge. His faithfulness will be my shield. i will not fear the terror of night nor the arrows that flies by day." Doesn't that sound so comforting---what better place to be than under Jesus's wings and having His huge shield of faithfulness to stand behind, ---but I am still having major trouble with those arrows that fly by the day, and the terror at night, only that is usually sadness more than terror. Those arrows can cut right through my heart. I know if I would just stand behind His shield and stay there, I would continually be under His wing, but instead I find myself turning and running in the other direction when things get "scary and tough" and as soon as I get out from under that shield, satan shoots those arrows and guess what i am not protected anymore and they hit me right in the heart.
We have gotten many Christmas cards and cards that say we are just thinking and praying for you through this season,these last several weeks.---Thank you---we do need prayers to get us through this very tough time of year. We really do feel them---My eyes have been open to the compassion I have seen in people---many I barely know. It touches my heart deeply that people seem to truly care and love us, and in some cases, our lives have never really crossed paths in the past. I wish every one a very nice Christmas----take lots of pictures and hug each one of your kids tightly, we don't know what God has in store for each of us in this next year. As we found out, life can change in a twinkling of an eye. One thing I regret---last year, I decided not to take any pictures Christmas Eve when the kids were opening their gifts. i thought to myself, Oh, I got enough pictures of that---I thought, they look the same each year, I will take some next year---how I wish I had pictures of Taylor opening his laptop. I pray God will provide the right about of Grace to get me through Christmas---I know in my head He will, I just have to move that to my heart. He promised His Grace will be sufficient---I am holding onto that promise.

Can a Heart be Breaking and Rejoicing at the Same Time??

2009-12-17T19:43:00.002-05:00

I found today that your heart can be breaking into a million pieces, but yet it can also be singing a song of joy all at the same time.
Today was a hard day for me. As I was getting out of bed, I could feel that heavy weight being put around my neck. My chest just ached. I haven't had to wear it lately, or I guess i should say it has not been as heavy, but today was different---I thought, why is today any different than yesterday. I didn't know, that is just the way grieving is---one day can be half good and then the next can be devastatingly sad. I went with Diane to do a little Christmas shopping. I had a sad feeling--my heart was aching, but not overwhelming. I came home and thought I would go out to the cemetery and take back the poinsettia's that I brought home when it was that terrible wind storm a week or so ago. As i was driving up that loooong lane to the cemetery, i felt my chest starting to bubble up with this terrible feeling of unspeakable sorrow. As I drove around that curve and seen his grave, I simply lost it, and took to sobbing. I could not help but say---Oh, Tay Merry Christmas---yes, i know it is Christmas every day in Heaven, but I couldn't help but want him home for Christmas sitting on the couch like all the years's before. I just sat there a bit trying to get control, just so I could climb out of the car and go over to this grave and put the poinsettias back. When i got closer I saw what took my heart away. This time I just leaned over and sobbed. Somebody, one of Tay's friends were out there once again to visit him, and this time they put a laminated poem of "Christmas in Heaven". Even as I write this and re-read that poem, tears are running down my cheeks, so if I miss spell any words, that is because i can't see them very well right at the moment :). I am going to post this poem and tell me that it doesn't make you cry. I was sobbing so hard by now, that I could barely stand up out by his grave. I was pretty glad I was out there by myself.

CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
with tiny lights like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, MOM
You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year

I sent you each a special gift

I think what hit me so hard, is I can just hear Tay saying a lot of those same words--like Please, Mom, wipe away your tears, I know you miss me, I know your heart aches for me,but I really am not that far away, Hey mom, be happy for me because I am spending Christmas with the One you love too, Jesus. I just kept reading it over and over, because some of it sounded so much like Tay, it was almost like I was talking with him-----Oh, Tay, how can I wipe the tears away, and Oh, how I wish I knew how to make my heart quit aching so much today, but yes I am not happy, but at peace that if you can't be with me, you are with Jesus. I went back and got into the car and I just sat there, and finally, I just asked God, Where are You today, I don't feel You today---I feel so alone---my heart is breaking and I don't feel you, so where do You think that leaves me, You know I can't hardly breathe on my own,----I need you right now---but God was silent. I finally just drove slowly back out of the cemetery----but I could barely drive---good thing the road was mostly empty, because tears were blinding me. I thought, I will go to the rec center and work out and run on the treadmill---any physical pain would be much better than this pain. So, I finally get to the rec center---I don't think I looked too well walking in there, the guy just said Hi, and never said another word---I got on the treadmill and just ran----but found out running, and crying don't go together very well. It was hard to run, cry, blow my nose, and breathe all at once---I almost hyperventilated a couple of time----Yes, I was in there by myself, or I am sure they would have taken me off the threadmill, gave me a bag to breathe in, and found a cot for me to lay down on---but no, I decided to run until I could feel better. I was listening to a sermon and I kept asking God where are You---sure enough He came to my rescue they sang the song, "Come unto Me"which is when God spoke to me --and it was just what I needed--it goes "Come unto Me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest Take My yoke upon you and I will give you rest--SWEET REST--For My yoke is easy and My burden is light" No, I did not write it all--because these were the words that God had me hear, I really did not hear the rest of the song and a calmness did start to come over me. By the time I left there, I was feeling some better, but this is a day I will be glad to take that heavy weight off from around my neck and lay it down and pray God let's me rest tomorrow and not have to wear it again. I realize it is getting closer to Christmas and each day is getter harder and harder---Taylor's absent is felt more strongly if that is even possible. Just like wrapping presents, I am very much aware that there are none for Taylor. As I am shopping, I will find myself thinking Oh, Tay would like that----Oh, but he is not here. We just got the update for the church directory, and it was just a shot of pain in my heart when I seen that Tay's name is no longer listed. We got the Christmas program book from last Sunday night and there is taylor's name under the listings of funeral's. What a pain straight through my heart---Just how many blows can you take until you can't get up again----Ok, I realize and know today was a very bad day and pray with all my heart that God will carry me tomorrow.

After reading that, I know anyone would be thinking, how could I even have a fraction of my heart rejoicing, it sounds like it has been broken into a million pieces, but yes there is reason to rejoice. I have always talked with all my kids about Jesus and said many many prayers about each and every one of their salvation's. After Taylor, I prayed so hard for Spencer. I know he loved Jesus and I would see him praying, but never quit gave his whole heart to Jesus. I just prayed---Please Jesus work in Spencer's heart and give him such a great desire that he wants to be one of Your children that he just has to call out to You. I would tell my kids what Jesus was doing in my life, and then I sometimes would ask them what He was doing in theirs. Sometimes I would get answers and sometimes, they would just shrug their shoulders. But after Taylor's accident and we all seen how quickly life was taken, i talked more and more with Spencer. The other night, he and I were going out Christmas shopping, and I always enjoy going with one kid by themselves, because it gives me a change to really ask deep personal questions. I am pretty close to them, and can talk almost about anything with them. So as we are driving to the mall, I said, Spenc, i have a question for you---If we would get into an accident and get killed tonight, do you feel you would go to heaven. He didn't say anything for a second or two, but then said Yes, I do believe I would. I knew he loved Jesus but never had proclaim that he had taken Jesus into his heart, so I said, why do you say that. He looked at me and said, "well I had a dream the other night and dad, Fred, and I were in a building helping dad get ready for a sale and all of sudden we heard a real loud noise and dad decided to go outside and see what it was---I stayed inside with Fred. All of sudden, Dad starts to scream---I ran outside as fast as I could and as I took two steps outside I knew that it was then end of the world and I was left behind." He said he woke up in a cold sweat and was so scared he could have started to shake. He said right then, He asked Jesus into his heart and said he wanted to go to Heaven with Jesus. He looked at the clock and it was 3:00 a.m." I looked at him and said do you realize that at that exact minute the angels were rejoicing in heaven---just as it says in Luke 15:10---I tell you there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." Yes, i know this is just a beginning, but I just asked him today, do you feel different and he said, the Holy Spirit is working!!!. As we talked that night, I said, I know Tay saw that, and even though Tay is not crazy about dancing, i am sure he gave a little dance. I told Spencer I could just see Tay, he would always make a fist and pump his arm in the air when he was extremely happy about something---like the day he graduated from high school---right after he got his diploma, he gave a little pump---the night of his senior prom walking across that platform--he gave alittle pump. I could just hear Tay say---Oh, Spenc---way to go dude---and then he would say--remember how mom use to tell us about heaven and Jesus---well, she did not even come close to describing how beautiful heaven is and remember how she wanted us to know Jesus as our best friend---there is nothing better than that. Then Taylor gave that great big grin and said---our family circle is broken on earth, but it will not be broken in heaven---see ya soon!!!! Spenc has given his heart to Jesus, and i am more than happy to mentor him. He has not yet decided what church will be called his home church, but the church does not save him---we all know the blood of Jesus Christ and His Amazing Grace is the saving power---but he will decided in the future--or I should say, God will direct him where He wants Spencer to go. So, yes, there is great joy in my heart that Spencer is now a child of the King. I had to think as I have been praying the praise of Daniel 2:23 as part of my bible study, which says "I thank & praise You O, God of my Father. You have given me wisdom and power. You have made Know to me what I have asked of You" Jesus did exactly as that promised said---Prayer is powerful---I always knew that, but I am seeing that more and more each and every day---
I want to thank you all for the cards, e-mails, and most importantly prayers you have said on our behalf now and in the future. I want to thank who ever put that poem out at the grave site. It always touches my heart to see even though this is a busy time of season,his friends have not forgotten him, not even for a minute. I continue to pray for his friends----the day will come when we will all be dancing on those streets of gold.

Robert Rogers----Do You Know Him???

2009-12-14T13:51:00.007-05:00

Tomorrow will be four months that Taylor had his accident. Sometimes it feels like I am stuck in time, and other times, I will think where did October and November go. I can not remember what it felt like to be happy and care-free, but deep in my heart there is joy. Yes, there is also great sorrow and sadness--but happiness or sadness comes from circumstances, and that is just for a season, but true joy comes from Jesus, knowing Him and having a relationship with Him and that is not a season, but for all eternity. December is a tough month, but I don't have to remind God of that. I truly believe without a shallow of a doubt the verse Phil 4:19 which says "My God will meet all of my needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. He knew I needed a boost of encouragement the last week or so. Our Grief Sharing group is almost over, which we have grown to love, so there is going to be a hole left. Last week, in our group,they proceeded to tell us starting in January they are doing a big study on Heaven. Now, how can that not be encouraging---learn more about where Taylor is waiting for us. But I guess God thought I still needed a little more encouragement, so He made it possible to go Saturday to Chris and Loren's to hear Robert Rogers speak. I heard his story on WCRF a while ago, so knew it was going to be very emotional. Diane, Brooke and I went. If you don't know him, I will explain briefly his story. It was six years ago in August that he, his wife and four kids were on their way home from Kansas after a Wedding. They got into a terrible storm and it was raining unbelievably hard, could not see two feet in front of them. The road they were on started to flood, so he said we have to get out of this van. By this time the van was pushed over to the cement wall ,stalled and filling up with water. He broke a window to get out, but when he did that the force of the water yanked him, his wife and one daughter right out of the van. The other three kids were in car seats, so they stayed in the van. It was dark, so he could not see much of anything around him, but found himself on some bank. He could not find anybody else. They took him to the hospital, and alittle while later the police come into his room and told him they found his van and all three kids were still in their car seats, but were all dead. He said, he had to go down to the hospital morgue and identify his three darling kids. I sat there thinking, what it was like when I had to go into Gillman's the first time to see Taylor---I remember how gut wrenching that was, I can't in my worst nightmare imagine what it would be like to have to see three of your kids laying there. I remembered how many people told me--I can't imagine what you are going through----it hit me---yes it was horrible, my very worst nightmare, but God never takes us through a fire no matter how small or how big it might be without going with us and giving us Grace for whatever He puts us through----He will give us just the right amount---never too much, or too little. Back to this Robert---he said later that night they came back into his room and said we found your other daughter, she also is dead. Then two or three days later they tell him they found his wife and she was dead as well. He lost his entire family in a matter of minutes----one would think how could you keep from losing your mind in pools of grieve, or withering up in a fetal position with depression, or carry such bitterness in your heart, that you could hardly breathe. He did none of those. I got such encouragement from him. He made a statement that I keep thinking on. First though, he also sings and plays the piano. He said the day after the funeral , he sang a song in his church---He said he was determined to not let satan steal his joy. WOW, I could not even listen to songs right after the funeral, let alone sing one----he said the one thing that helped him heal the most was taking his attention off of himself and serving others. I was thinking, just how could he possibly do that, I was thinking of nothing but all my loses and he had four times my loses, He was determined to serve Jesus in spite of his intense mourning. He made a CD while in the misted of his grieving, so alot of the songs are about Heaven or dedicated to his kids. The songs really tore at my heart---they were so much of what I was feeling. Like one said, What is it like to be dancing on the streets of Heaven. What is it like to see Jesus face to face. Taylor was never big on dancing :), but I can certainly see him walking and jumping, maybe even doing a little skipping on those streets, and I would have loved to have seen Tay's face light up when he saw Jesus for the first time. Then the last song, really hit home. He said that first Christmas when he was all alone, he recorded this song. The theme to the song was, IT IS CHRISTMAS EVERY DAY IN HEAVEN. As I sat there, I thought, maybe if I can keep this thought in mind, Christmas may not be quite as sad without Tay. He is having Christmas every day----what a place to be. Robert gave me another thought to think on, each morning to pray "how can i glorify Your Name today, How can Your light best shine through me in my darkest hour". That definitely would keep my focus on Jesus's loving eyes all day. I am sure Robert has times of great sorrow, but any human without Jesus in their life and strong relationship with Him, could never have survived such tragedy, but the sun is definitely shining in his life again. God knew what He was doing when he picked Robert to go through this terrible season of life, because he was willing to quite his engineering job and travel with is new wife and two small kids to speak and tell his story of how God brought him through. It probably is not easy to relive that horror over and over--- I am sure there still is pain and sadness--it has only been six years. He was a type of person where you just felt Jesus overflowing through him. God blessed me this weekend by hearing him speak----it was a great encouragement.
We went to our grief sharing class tonight, and found great comfort there also---yes, there is alot of pain and sadness in that room, but we have formed some great friendships with people that we would never have met. We all are in the misted of grieving---God is taking us through the fire to refine our faith. We all know the next couple of weeks are probably going to be some of the hardest days of our lives. We are praying for each other and we are all on prayer lists of our family and friends which we are very thankful for. We also know that from these verses Isaiah 43:1-2, we will all make it through, not only Christmas, but this season of grieving. The verse says" Fear not, for I have redeemed you: I have summoned you by name (He has called us by our name--what a comfort), you are mine (another comfort). When you pass through the waters, I will be with you (we are never by ourselves), and when you pass through rivers, they will not sweep over you (we will not drown), when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze (we will not be destroyed) . Everybody one time or another will be in some kind of fiery trial in their life, but God will always be with us. In our study of Beth Moore, she said something that was interesting. She said, God does one of three things in these fiery trials. God can deliver us from the fire, for example just do a small miracle in our lives and lift us right out of our trial--remove the trial and life goes back to normal---that would most definitely build our faith, we would never forget it. Or We can be delivered through the fire by God. We will have to go right through the blazing fire, but God will be right there with us and if need be-- carry us until we are strong enough that we can walk again, or maybe He will let us soar on the wings of eagles in the middle of the storm for a while. Our faith will be refined---like when gold is refined, the heat of the fire purifies the gold----we see God's character on a first hand bases, we have no choice except to grab a hold of God and hang on for the ride, if we want to survive. Our relationship with Him is intensified and very personal. The last one is, we can be delivered by the fire right into the arms of Jesus. None of us really want this one, but actually it is what we are all looking forward to. Our faith then is perfected, we are face to face with Jesus. We have taken off our coat of sorrow, pain, loneliness,frustration and layed it down and step over into our heavenly home where we will never cry another tear--and every day will be Christmas!!! Thank you Jesus for your great love for each of us, You walk with each one of us through these fiery trials, and You will deliver us one way or another---You have the perfect plan to deliver us. We are each the child of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.

Isaiah 41:10

2009-12-09T19:10:00.005-05:00

Today was a gloomy, cold, rainy and extremely windy day-- is that also where my heart is? It would be easy for me to fall into this place each morning when I wake up. In fact, alot of nights I wake up about 2 or 3 in the morning and where do my thoughts go----of course, Taylor and I think how could all this possibly be my life now. As I lay there thinking about him, I feel a real sadness come over me, one I can't begin to explain. I know if I stay in that state of thinking about Taylor and how much I miss him---the ache to see him will become unbelievable, i know then I will get up in the morning and feel just like today, miserable. So, how do I keep from falling into that state----I grab a hold of God with both hands and talk with Him in the middle of the night like He is standing right beside my bed. I remind Him of all the promises He has given me----(Ya, like He might have forgotten one :)Then I repeat them over and over. As it is getting closer to Christmas, each day is more of a battle to stay closely connected with Jesus, satan is right there telling me---look how happy everybody is---they are so excited about Christmas and getting together with their families, but when your family gets together on Christmas morning, there is going to be an empty chair, and it is not just empty for this year, but it will always be empty. If I let satan win with that kind of thinking, them all my days are going to gloomy, rainy, and cold. As I was doing my bible study in our grief sharing book, God gave me this verse which fits perfectly (is that a surprise) John 16:20 " I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. and verse 22 Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.". I thought that verse is exactly where I am----this is my time to grieve, and it is OK that the world is rejoicing, not to feel sorry for myself, my time of rejoicing will come too some day. I just have to wait on God to heal my heart. Grieving is a long, slow and very difficult process to get through. God orchestrated the human mind to only be able to grasp small amounts of grief at a time, or a person's heart would completely break into a million pieces and there would be absolutely no way to put it back together again. Even though, my mind will understand that Taylor is never coming home, never getting married, never going to be a dad, my heart will go into denial and not comprehend it. My heart will shut off, or become numb to those terrible thoughts and feelings. My heart can only stand a little bit of the truth at a time, and when my heart "gets" it, then I am really sad, until I have grieved that particular loss---then it moves on to the next loss.
We want Taylor to be part of this Christmas as he has been for the last 20 years, but how could that happen. We came up with an idea, which I think will make great memories. Since Brooke had already hung Taylor's stocking up with the rest of them, we thought we need to fill it with something. We thought it being empty Christmas morning would be heartbreaking. So we decided to have all his friends and family write at least one memory, and if they felt like it two or three, which would be great about Taylor. We will put them in his stocking and each year add more memories. We thought this will be a great way for Brooke and Spencer's kids to get to know who Taylor was as a young boy full of life. We will read some every year, and maybe we will even this year, though it might be to sad to read many memories this year. I put this on facebook to reach some of his friends, and I am happy to say, a couple have responded with memories. They are so bittersweet, but I know in the years to come they will be a treasure. So, if anyone wants to share a memory, just e-mail it to me at debjefgas@juno.com . It will be greatly appreciated.

Ok, I am going back in time. I am going back to probably a month or so after Tay's accident. I hated getting up each day. It was like as I got dressed, I also put a huge weight around my neck. The sadness and loneliness was almost unbearable. One day, I got a bill in the mail for having Taylor's wisdom teeth pulled out. I could not believe it. I sat there in a chair looking at that bill, and thought oh, so much has happened since that day of surgery. I remembered how cute he looked coming out of antisetic that morning. His mouth was filled with cotton, and they had us waiting in the doctor's office which was filled with racing cars. When the doctor came in, Taylor was so interested in his racing pictures everywhere, that he was trying to talk to the doctor. I could have taken to laughing, cause I could not understand one word and blood was running out of his mouth, but he didn't car, his eyes were all lit up looking at those cars. The doctor was much better at understanding Taylor, he must have been use to gargled speech, because he carried on a conversation with Tay. Tay was so talkative and happy, probably the medicine had something to do with that, because when he got home it was a different story. As I sat there thinking of this story, I remembered, i took a picture of him when we got home, so i went and got my camera, sure enough there was that picture. Again, that day was so hilarious, there he was with a big ice pack on both cheeks with a mouth full of cotton, and his mouth drooping down. He now looked like he got into a big fight and he was the loser. He was no longer the talkative boy, but one in pain. I sat there looking at that picture and crumbled into tears, thinking this just can't be. That picture was barely two months old, and now my life was so horribly changed. That day was a really hard day, one I could not wait until I could go to bed and take that heavy weight off from around my neck. That night before bed, I went and checked my e-mail and I got one from Rachel and she said in it that God had given her a verse that she wanted to give me which was Isa 41:10. i think I read it that night, but was so low, it hardly meant anything to me. I just wanted to escape from all this pain. When I got up the next morning, it was Friday, the day I got to see Tay for lunch and sometimes if we were lucky we would get dinner with him too, but not today, all I had were pictures and a terrible sadness in my heart. I remember it was a beautiful summer day, but to me, in my mind, it might as well have been a day like today --gloomy and cold----my heart was anything but sunny. If I would have let myself, I would have gotten the photo album out and curled up in a corner and just looked at pictures of Tay. Sheila called later that morning and we talked a bit and pretty soon, she says, God gave me a verse today and I am to give it to you. I said in a weak voice, oh, which verse is it and she says, Isa 41:10. I thought, oh, that is the same verse that Rachel gave me last night, maybe i better go read it again. I wrote it down, but it still did not hit my heart---it again was in my head, but did not move the 18 inches down into my heart. Beside that huge hole in my heart where Taylor was suppose to be, i had something else that satan kept bring into my mind that just would not quit. Somebody that I really respected as a person and his thoughts. He had made a comment right after the funeral ( he was referring to when Ron said that Taylor had given his heart to Jesus and was in heaven), he said "is this what our church has come to, just accept Jesus. That was a doorway for satan to come and bring his favorite tool again----doubt----. The day was getting worse, if that was even possible, so thought I would go for a walk over in Johnson's woods. God has many times spoken to me there and was desperately hoping for His presence and comfort. I walked for an hour, but really did not feel all that much better and was on my way home, when my cell phone rang. I saw it was Ron, so i picked it up. His first words, were "how is your day going". i said in a very broken voice, in fact so broken, I am not sure he even understood me. He just knew things were not good and he quickly got to the point. He said as he was doing his quiet time that day, God gave him a verse that he wanted to give to me----guess what verse---ya, Isa 41:10. Through my tears I said, "Oh, Ron, you are the third person to give me that verse in 24 hours." He said "what, I can't believe it, Deb, God really wants you to have that verse. That is God speaking." I told him all that was going on and how I was feeling and he proceeds to say" God has chosen you and put you on a platform, but it comes with a very high price, it is very expensive, but He wants you to Glorify His Name." All i could think was Oh, please can I just crawl off this platform. I don't want to be here, it is just too painful, too hard, but knew in my heart, this is where God put me and this is were I am to be-- painful or not, but knew Jesus was right there on this platform with me. Ron encouraged me to the point that I was no longer in tears by the time we hung up. On the rest of the way home, i thought I am going to "really" read this verse when i got home. When i got home, i took my bible and sat at the kitchen table and read this verse word by word. This is what it said Isa 41:10 "So do not fear: for I am with you, do not be dismayed: for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.". When i was done reading it real slow, I have only had this two, maybe three times in my entire life, but this is one of those times. It was like Jesus was sitting in the kitchen chair right beside me, and in a voice that was almost audible He said--"This is my promise to you, Remember it always". He felt so close to me, I felt like I could have reached over and touched Him. I just layed my head on the table and wept. I knew this was going to be the verse that will get me through the moments, the days, the months and eventually the years. A promise I will never forget. Then Jesus added one more, I could hardly believe it, a couple of days later, i get a card with that exact verse Isa.41:10 inscribed in the card. I just sat there and smiled as I read it. I thought, God---I will never understand Your deep love for me, no human love will ever come close to the love you have for your children.
To this day, that is the verse I repeat over and over, until it moves from my head down into my heart to where I can actually "feel" it. He is my God, He will strengthen me, He will hold me up with His righteous right hand-----what better place to be than in His hands. Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty.

Back from Illinois

2009-12-05T15:40:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was a hard day. We had gotten back from seeing mom and dad and I was here in the house most of the day by myself. Brooke and Spencer had put up the Christmas tree while I was gone and that was mostly OK. We had talked about what should we do with the stockings---put them all up---just put up Brooke and Spencer's---or not put any of them up. We really had not decided for sure, but Brooke wanted to put them all up and to make it alittle bit different she got one for her boyfriend (BJ), which is planning on being here for Christmas. So, when I walked into the house, and went into the livingroom where the tree was, there were all the stockings. Yes, it was like a hard kick in the stomach, which I could have almost leaned over with pain, but thought, she wants Taylor to be a part of this Christmas just like every other Christmas, so I left it there. We are now trying to decide how we should honor Taylor at Christmas, somebody told me put a picture of the one that died out with a candle burning beside it all day. Brooke said maybe we could all write a couple of memories and put them in his stocking and if it is too hard to read them this year, which I am pretty sure it will be, but let them there and read them next year and every year put more memories in his stocking and them each year read some. I don't know, it all just sounds so painful, but know we should do something---if anybody has any ideas, I would appreciate your comments.
Diane and I got to mom and dad's on Sunday afternoon about 5:00. I did not know how I was going to feel walking into their house, I was praying that a flood of terrible memories would not over take me and I would end up sobbing. Mom said later too, that she was worried not knowing how it was all going to hit Diane and I. It was all the prayers, it was not as bad as I thought it very likely could be. I was very aware of the emotions that were there below the surface, but for the most part they stayed there and did not bubble out. Every so often, as I would walk through the dining area where I got the phone call that night, I would just have to stop and go through that terrible evening again step by step. We did talk about it, and told mom just how it all happened, because they were in bed and did not know any of it until the next morning. Tuesday was the only bad day, where I just felt sad and knew if we talked too much about Taylor or the accident, I would be in tears, but the rest of the days we were busy and it was good. Mom and dad were both in good health and we got to take them out for rides, dinner, and shopping. We were very thankful for all of this.
Back to my day yesterday, I sometimes wonder if I should start to put some of Taylor's things away. It just seemed every where I looked, I would see Taylor, by afternoon I was in tears too many reminders and memories. His riding boots, work boots are both right outside the door in the garage, we walk by them every time we come into the house----always a reminder he is not here and not going to be wearing those boots. Nobody wants me to touch a thing, but am thinking that is perhaps not a good idea. I was reading a grief devotional book the other day and they said something that I just had to think on. They said grieving is like a rollercoaster ride. As I thought about this, I realized that was so true. I thought what it would be like to get on the biggest rollercoaster ever. I would be standing in line for a long time as I wait talking and laughing with the family and friends around me. It may be hot and crowded, but mostly enjoyable----that would be life before the accident----some troubles, but mostly joyful. Now as I get into my seat and they snap down the bar (Jesus is the bar), but my hands are still moving around getting my stuff secured--not touching the bar much, I feel pretty secure, safe, but my hands are not hanging on to Him, but we have not started to move yet----that was my relationship before Taylor's accident--secure and feeling safe in Jesus but not hanging on real tight. Now the rollercoaster is starting to move, but slowly and clicking straight up the track, can't really see anything but the pretty blue sky, really not too scared yet, maybe a little anxious now and then, by this time my hands may be starting to hang onto the bar a little more----little more valley's have come into my life, starting to get closer to Jesus---now I get to the top and after we top that huge mountain, I come down with amazing speed, in fact, so fast that I need to close my eyes, or my contacts will fly right out---I have forgotten about any of my belongings flying away, the only thing I am concentrating on is hanging onto the bar (Jesus) with both hands so tight my knuckles are turning white. I can't see a single thing, if I do mange to open my eyes, everything is a blur and I can't focus on anything------that was the horror of that phone call, in fact that whole week of his viewing, funeral. I finally hit the bottom of that valley, now the rollercoaster does come up alittle bit, but only for a split second then it is dipping down and by now it is flying every direction except straight. My body is flying from one side of the seat to the other, my head is banging against the seat. I realize if I can see anything at all, it is only for a couple of seconds at a time, but not the next curve, only the sky---the only thing I can do is hang onto the bar (Jesus) with both hands, it makes me feel safe and secure even though myself and every thing else is flying upside down part of the time. I know anything that is not secure is gone, it has long flew out-----even though, I know my life now without Taylor is never going to be the same, and I have lost so much, the only thing I can hang onto is Jesus. Finally, the rollercoaster rolls to a stop, I am never so glad to get off that ride, but feel so beaten up, I am wondering if I can walk, I am dizzy and can barely stand up, but I just want off badly, the kind person beside me holds me up (Diane does this more than once). I hobble over to a bench with help of Diane and I sit there for awhile and finally, I realize I am feeling more like myself, I can smile and laugh again, I even notice the sky is a very pretty blue-----grieving is alot like this---I can feel very beaten up---wondering if I will ever make it through, will I ever be able to laugh and smile again and not have this terrible ache in my heart every minute of every day. God has given me many verses that promise me this very thing---one day I will be able to smile and laugh again--like verse Jer. 31:13 " I (God)will turn my mourning into gladness; I(God) will give me comfort and joy instead of sorrow;. I just pray that I will never have to get back on that rollercoaster again (I know I am way too old to be riding one anyway :), but I do pray God does not put me on one like that again.
I know this month with the Holidays is going to be really really tough. I am sure no matter how we end up honoring Taylor there will be tears. There will be an empty chair when we celebrate Christmas dinner, opening gifts, and going to family gatherings, but God will be right here beside us whispering in our ears, Taylor is celebrating Christmas with me, and I will help you through this terrible grieving time.
I have gone to this song more than once "I must tell Jesus" It is so comforting as it goes "I must tell Jesus all of my trials. I cannot bear those burdens alone. In my distress, He kindly will help me. He ever loves and cares for His own. I must tell Jesus all of my troubles. He is a kind compassionate friend." He is the friend I want with me always----He is never too busy, or too tired to help me. Just like yesterday when my day was dissolving into tears, i just kept praying please Jesus help me out of this deep valley today. When I got the mail, there was a letter from somebody i barely know, but they had the most encouraging words. The words were encouraging, but I also seen the hand of God delivering this letter at just the right time. Praise to God, He is always faithful. Even though this has been a terrible 3 1/2 months, my praise and love for Jesus has grown each day.
I know you are all praying for us and I will be forever thankful, please continue to pray for us through this holiday season. Thanks

God,, King of Kings

2009-11-28T20:34:00.003-05:00

Today is Saturday, and a beautiful day it was. I love to go for a walk over at Johnson woods, and today was a perfect day to do that. God will sometimes talk to me there
or just give me an exteme peace. Diane and I are planning on going back to Forrest tomorrow for several days to see Mom and dad. How do I feel about that----well, I have very mixed feelings. I love spending time with them, and know time is probably growing short for those visits. But on the other hand, it was in their dining room where I got that fateful call that Saturday night about Taylor. Just even getting out my suitcase this afternoon to pack, a little shake went through my body, such powerful memories are attached to that room. I am not sure how I will feel walking into their house, I hope God will give me the Grace to not feel those feelings of intense shock and pain like I had that night and when we left. God has promised to give Grace where Grace is needed and I will be praying for His Grace tomorrow---and I know who ever sees this will also being praying for us. Again, you wonder if God lets the ones in Heaven look down to see their family on earth every now and then. I have thought alot over the past three months, if I could only just hug Taylor and talk with him one more time. The other night, I had a dream that I turned around and there stood Taylor----He looked so cute, with that famous smile on his face. Anyway, he walked over to me and gave me a big hug, and said "have a good time in Illinois", then I woke up.. I just layed there and thought, God why did you do that, I am not ready for that, but then I started to remember how it felt to hug him and for him to put his arms around me. It was very bittersweet. I knew I would not sleep anymore that night, I just kept seeing his smiling face and felt his body in my arms. I really do not know if I was ready for that or not, because it made me very sad, I just wanted to go back to sleep and dream it all over again. Maybe Taylor knows we are going back out to mom and dad's and this is going to be very hard for me, and he just wanted me to have a good time and not be sad ( well easier said than done), but maybe I can just remember his words and his smiling face and his big hug, or maybe it is just too sad to think about it. As you can see, I want dreams about Taylor, but they are so painful, that maybe I am better off not having them..
Today had moments of sadness. I decided since it was almost December, it was time to change summer clothes to winter clothes. I keep alot of the off season clothes in a cedar chest----As I was digging down inside to pull the clothes out, I got a handful of Taylor's clothes. I just held them in my hands and looked at them with teary eyes (no, this time I did not smell them, instead of smelling him, I just would have gotten a huge whiff of cedar). My heart just ached, it just made me want to go look at his picture---it is almost like my mind has to make sure I have not forgotten one little detail of his face. I did decide to put his pants into a bag for Goodwill, that was a step for me, but I kept everything else for now. I know this is crazy, but giving stuff away, almost seems like I am giving part of Taylor away, and that is the last thing I want to do.

God did give me Grace to get through Thanksgiving Day. The day before Thanksgiving I spent either in tears or on the verge of tears most of the day. I just felt so sad and my heart just ached to see and be with Taylor. I kept thinking how will I ever get through Thanksgiving. I did not want to be crying all day, I wanted the kids to remember the first Thanksgiving after Taylor's death as being maybe sad, but not disastrous. I prayed really hard that morning that God would give me the strength and Grace to get through the day, and actually the day could have maybe even a little bit of joy in it. But when I first got up, I felt pretty sad, and again pretty teary, i did not go to church, because I just did not think I could hold up very well, probably just be a puddle of tears. I decided to stay home and do my bible study of Beth Moore, then I went up to get dresses and while I am getting ready, it was like God said, I just want you to do down and just open the Bible up and read where I open it. So, I did just that, I opened up to Isaiah 55:8 which says" For my thoughts are not your thoughts neither are your ways my ways. Verse 9 As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" Ok, so I thought, God said about His thoughts being higher than mine twice, so He was once again telling me Just know, My plan is perfect, I know you are sad today, and want Taylor with you, but trust Me. Then verse 11 says "so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." God used Taylor's death to touch many people's hearts. It was so sudden and he was so young, God got people's attention. Mom was telling me that a friend of hers for many many years, in fact us kids grew up with her kids started to repent a couple of weeks ago. She is probably 75 or so and had went to church all her life, but never could quite surrender her heart to Jesus. Her husband even repented a year or so ago, and she still didn't. Satan had won the battle with her, by having her keep thinking she had time and tomorrow would be soon enough. Well, somebody gave her Taylor's funeral tape to listen to and when they went back to see if she listened to it yet. This friend said, yes, she listened to it twice and said "if you are going to repent now is the time" and she gave her heart to Jesus and now is on the winning side forever. Praise to Jesus, our King of Kings, Lord of Lords----His mercy is shown here--- she lived 75 years rejecting Him. so like the verse says, it will not return empty, it will accomplish what I desire. Then the verse 12 says" you will go out in joy and be led forth in peace, the mountains and hills will burst into song before you and all the trees of the field will clap their hands." God will get me through this journey and bring joy again, I am not sure what the trees of the fields clapping their hands will look like :), but I will take it, it has to be better then where we are now. So, after God showing me all this, I was in a much better mood and the day went better than I thought it might. We went to Diane's then for Thanksgiving. We had some sad moments, but we did not dwell there. We talked about Taylor, in fact we did go to the cemetery for a little bit and also out to the site. I just have to keep my sights on Jesus and not look off to the right or the left. I had to think, if God would have asked Taylor would you give your life that your friends and others will finally see their sin and decided to surrender it all to Me so they can life in Heaven with Me and you forever, would you do it. I can see Taylor get that sheepish grin on his face and say "weeeellllll, I guess so.
I wish I could say that I can keep focused on Jesus and what He is constantly telling me---Trust Me, I know what I am doing, My plan is perfect, you will see one day---but I can't, I am human, and the pain of losing Taylor is with me every day, but with God's help, I pray it will not over take me. Please pray for us tomorrow and the next several days while we are out in Illinois. I know it is probably going to be some rough waters to get through, but God will not let us drown. He has promised us that. Praise be to the name of God forever and ever, wisdom and power are His.

Thanksgiving Morning

2009-11-25T22:17:00.002-05:00

Today is Thanksgiving. How do I feel? There is a definite sadness, but I have a choice in what i think about today. I know there are probably going to be tears, and maybe a lot of tears, but I choose to be thankful for the people God put in my life. I got some nice e-mails from people that said they were thinking and praying for us over this Thanksgiving holiday. Thank you, I will need them.
Yesterday one of Taylor's close friends stopped by. It was so nice to see her, but it was bittersweet. We talked about memories of Taylor, which made us laugh and cry. We talked about last Thanksgiving and how Taylor was a part of that. We looked at some pictures of Taylor. We seen one of Taylor sitting on Diane's couch last year. It is just so hard to believe that he will not be here this year.
I thought it might be a good thing to actually name some of the things I am thankful for. It is Thanksgiving of 2009. Our lives are changed forever and more often than not, I find myself looking at all that I have lost, instead of counting the blessings I do have. We go to Diane's every year for Thanksgiving, it is my favorite holiday. No hassle of gift giving, just alot of family time and alot of good food. It has became a joke with Diane, every year she will say after we eat our big dinner, she will say OK, lets go around the room and each say what we are thankful for. We use to do it, but we found out we were saying almost the same thing every year. Diane told me today as we were cleaning our dentist office, she would not ask that question this year. I said, i actually wrote some of what I was thankful for, but said, i am sure I will not be able to read it, so thought I would just print out a copy for each. As I sat down and thought about what I was thankful for, I realized it would be so easy to get lost in the tragedy of losing Taylor. But I remembered how faithful God has been, how He has picked me up many, many times and just held me in his arms and carried me. He showed me great mercy---He had mercy on me and answered my prayers of Taylor's salvation within four hours of asking, He has answered many of my prayers within hours of asking. He is always very near, just like that verse says. "I am close to the brokenhearted." He has shown me in many ways His Amazing Grace. He showed me very clearly that is how Taylor was saved---His blood, and His Amazing Grace, in fact God had Taylor wheeled out of the Church on---Amazing Grace.
God knew before this ever happened that I needed to be in this family. He had me in the perfect family for what I was and am going through for comfort and support. He knew that each one of them would be needed in a different and special way and each of them has stepped up to what God has called them to do. I thank each and every one of them from the bottom of my heart.
Jeff---You took charge of what had to be done in a very difficult time. You made decisions that I could not possibly have made. I was pretty much in the state of shock and when my mind would let me comprehend what had happened, I was incapable of making any kind of decisions. . You took charge and call the life insurance company and his financial people and explained what had happened and started the process of closing every thing out. I could not even say the words that Taylor was killed, let alone, try to explain to these strange people the story of his accident.
Brooke---You were my stronghold when I was losing it at times. You would help me to refocus. The time that comes to mind most often is when I kept saying over and over how much and how hard I prayed for Taylor that the angels would protect him. I had safely put him in Jesus's hands and be then at peace that he would be fine. When Jesus took Taylor, it shook me to the core of my being---you helped me to see a different picture, one I never thought about. You told me Jesus did answer your prayer, just not like you ever thought He would. He did protect Taylor---God heard every one of your prayers, He just decided to take him home that Saturday night. He had one of those angels go and get Taylor and take him to the arms of Jesus.
Spencer--You also have been strong when I was falling down. I remember that fateful night it happened at grandma's. I remember grabbing you and saying Spenc, how will we ever get through this terrible nightmare and you very calmly said, God will get us through one day at a time, Mom. When I am down and feeling really sad, you will remind me that Taylor is having the time of his life, he is not spending one day being sad, and he would hate to see us all sad and crying. You know, mom, taylor hated to see anyone sad. He would hate to see you crying.
Max--You were the rock when we were all crumbling like pebbles around you. You held us up both physically and spiritually many times. I remember that horrible Monday when we had to go into Gillman's. After we seen Taylor for the first time, I was barely hanging on to reality by a thread, I was very close to losing it all. You calmly sat on that chair and explained how God that morning or maybe it was the day before, showed you clearly that Taylor was in Heaven. That was a great comfort to hear one more time that God mercifully showed another person that Taylor was actually safely Home. You were never far away when Brooke needed a strong arm to hold her up. You also never hesitated a second that Saturday night to jump out of bed in the middle of the night to go be with Jeff at the hospital.
Diane--I am not sure where to start. You were with me every step of this journey. You were there that horrible night of that phone call, in fact you were the one that Jeff told Taylor is Gone and you had to tell the rest of us. How horrible is that, but you did it. All those horrible days, when I thought I can't take another step, I just can't do this, I am not going to make it, you would encourage me that God will get us through. Every horrible step I had to take, you were right there beside me taking it with me. You were never too busy or too tired to listen to me, or to talk with me. As I wanted or needed to go through every last detail time and time again, you would go right with me, never stopping me, but just a listening ear. You were always there to hold me up when i could not stand on my own, which was plenty often. It seems God always would bring you to me when I needed you most. I am sure I would not make it through this journey of grief without you at my side.
Matt---I feel such compassion and love from you. You do not have to say a word; it is all said in your eyes. Max made the comment after the viewing, he said some of the people going through that long line did not have to say a word, their compassion and love was all said in their eyes. That is what I see and feel from you, Matt----your eyes say it all.
Amber---I love getting your cards and letters. They mean so much to me, I read them over and over. I especially love the one you wrote in what Taylor might have said to each of us, if he would have had a chance. As we each read it, we all cried some, but we all said, it was exactly what Taylor would have said. You prayed that God would show you that Taylor was in Heaven with Him, and God answered your prayer very quickly too. It was a very special way, one I will never forget. You also got up in the middle of the night to go to the hospital to be with Jeff. I know that was very hard to see Taylor like that, but you did not let that stop you. You knew Jeff needed family and you went.
Mark--I remember on that Saturday night right after we got the news about Taylor, we were all in the state of shock, and did not know how we would ever get through the next minutes, let alone the next week. You reminded us all that at that moment very few people knew about Taylor and by morning hundreds of people would know and they would all be praying very hard for each of us and we would feel those prayers---and so right you were Mark. Those prayers carried us all through the hardest days of our lives. We needed you to remind us of that very important thought.
April---You were there that fateful night. That in itself has bonded us all very deeply. It was so comforting to have family with me at a moment in life when my life was falling apart and would be changed forever. You ran errands for me. you picked up my medication. I would have been in no condition to even drive, let alone know where I was going and what I was suppose to be getting. You were at my house every day during those nightmare of days, it was a comfort to have you here. Everybody changed their plans to be with us at a time we needed you.
Keith--You were a man of action. You knew what needed to be done, even though you had to be in shock too. You quickly started a plan of action in how to get us home. At this point, I barely knew where I was, I could not have begun to think about how to get home. You worked until you had a plan. Your family was so kind in letting us use their van, but then you had to figure out how to get our cars home. It was one less thing I had to worry about, you took charge and got it all worked out. You got us all safely home.
Autumn---You made it possible for God's name to be Glorified through this tragedy. You took the time and it had to take time to replay that phone message over and over to get what Craig said just right. You and Keith then took the time and effort to go and get it printed out and made many many copies. You put them in a place where people would see them and pick it up to read. God had to have a smile on his face with each person that pick one up and read it.
Taylor---This one is a hard one---there is so much I could say. First, I am so thankful that I could be your mom for 20 years. When you made a mistake you were always quick to apologize. You never wanted any one to be mad at you. You were quick to smile, and had a great sense of humor. You could always make me smile and lots of times just plain laugh. You wore that famous little smirk on your face so often that I can hardly think of you without it. No, you never cleaned up your messes, you never had time for such small things in life like that. I will miss you more than I can ever explain. I will always have an ache in my heart for you---I long to hug you again, talk with you, laugh with you, but know in a blink of an eye I will be with you again, until then I will hold your memories deep in my heart.
So am I thankful this year---yes, I have alot to be thankful for, even though God has taken a treasure of my heart, I had to think, God has never left me alone. I have never felt the presence of God in such powerful ways. He has given me many promises to hang onto, and i hang on to each one of them with both hands. I just know if i would let go, even for a minute, I would start down that slippery slope. God is my life boat back to recovery. God has given me a family that are all deeply spiritual and each and every one of them are helping me to keep my focus on what is really important while going through this journey---they help me remember God is in control, nothing happens without God knowing and approving of it. God's plan is always perfect, we just can't see the big picture right now, but someday we will understand it all. If this had to happen, I am thankful that we were all together either in Illinois or at the hospital. That has bonded us very deeply. Please continue to pray for us all of us as often as we come to your minds. I thank God for each one of my family, and I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart for being who God has called you to be. I am also thankful for each one that reads this blog and prays for us. I thank you for your comments and e-mails, they are all very encouraging. God will Bless each and every one of you. Have a Blessed Thanksgiving!!!

God's Presence

2009-11-24T16:43:00.003-05:00

In our Beth Moore study today, she told us to memorize four verses. I can memorize one, and maybe two, but four is a stretch for me, but thought I would look them up anyway. I found they are verses that have much meaning, so I started to memorize the first verse. My day was starting out not terrible, but just felt really sad, and satan always likes to bring just a little bit of doubt in with one thing or another, and Thanksgiving getting so close didn't help any. I know there are many things I am thankful for, but there is also a very big hole in my heart that I need God to fill, and He promises that He will do that in Phil. 4:13. I had to think, praising God always brings Him closer, so I started with this first verse to memorize which is Daniel 2:20 which says "Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever, wisdom and power is His. As I said it over and over all the way to the rec. Center. I had it memorized plus i did feel God's nearness by the time I got there. The one thing that satan likes to torment me with is the thought---is Taylor really in Heaven. I know God has shown me many times that he is, but satan can win this battle with me and bring doubt back into my mind more often that i like to admit. I have read the book "90 minutes in Heaven" which is very good----and makes it so you can't wait to get there---the beauty and Peace of Heaven, but I also have read "23 minutes in Hell" The author made his point that is somewhere you do not want to be, not for one minute let alone for eternity. Those thoughts of Hell grab me by the throat and won't let go. It can put such fear in me, and again, satan has won the battler---fear is straight from him and he loves it when I am there. God will give me peace that Taylor is with him, but then satan will slowly work his way back into my mind and steal it away. I know God must get so tired of showing me the same thing over and over again, but He is a patient God and He very kindly showed me again today. I was working out at the Rec Center and listening to a sermon from Ron. He was talking about when Christ was going to the cross and Peter was by the fire saying he did not know who Christ was and the rooster crows on the third time. Ron said, it was early morning and the roosters should all have been crowing, but God had them all silent, except for the exact one at the exact place God picked out for this rooster to crow. It was all orchestrated by our Sovereign God. I wasn't even thinking about it at the time, but God brought the thought, or actually, He spoke Himself to me---He said just like that phone call I had Craig make to you about Taylor being a Christian----I had my Hand in that from the beginning, I orchestrated each event of that morning. Even after God spoke to me, I still wanted to say, but Taylor never proclaimed Your name to Me, why would he not do that, but before I could get that whole thought completely out, I quickly said a little prayer of satan get behind me, in Jesus's name. Just as i was saying Amen, my attention goes back to Ron in his sermon, and he is saying (again, God really speaking through Ron) that satan wants to sift us like flour. Jesus told Peter I am praying for you, Peter. Satan wants to sift your soul, which is just what satan wants to do with me. Satan comes in the way of fear and doubt and when we let that happen satan then has control, control of our thoughts, and emotions, and when that happens I will lose any testimony in praising God's Name, because I am lost in fear and discouragement. There are no accidents---God has a plan and that Plan is perfect. Jesus is praying for me just like He did for Peter. He prays for my faith to be strong, just like He did for Peter's faith. How can I lose when Jesus is praying for me----I know it is possible----satan is powerful, but Jesus is ALL powerful, so I am on the winning side even if I sometimes don't see it.

Another thought that Ron said which i hope will help me through Thanksgiving. He said when Christ was on the cross He was not focused on all the ones that flogged Him, or the ones that pounded the nails into His hands, His focus was on His Father and doing His Father's will and soon He would be sitting on the right hand of His Father. Point being, not to let myself focus on all the horrible things that has happened in the last three months, but to think on what all God has done for me----He has carried me more than I have walked in these last three months. He has provided much comfort through support Groups, friends, family. and He said he will one day turn my mourning into Gladness. One last thought in Luke 22:30, Jesus says "that we may eat and drink at My table in My Kingdom ", now that will be a feast.

Roommate brings Taylor's things Home on Friday

2009-11-23T11:39:00.007-05:00

This would have been Friday August 28. Friday's were never good days for me anyway. They were just very sad days. Those were the days Taylor was home from school and I would get to talk with him about school or what ever over lunch, then he would be here for dinner, well sometimes. Yes, sometimes I would get more time with him and sometimes, his friends were much more important and fun, so he would not be here all that much on the weekends. Anyway, I had gotten up this morning just trying to survive moment by moment. Sometimes, i would be just compelled to go look at pictures of him, which even made me more depressed. Sometimes i would just take his senior picture and sit in a chair and stare at it and let all the memories flooded back into my mind. Yes, i would shed alot of tears thinking about all the good times--they were so painful, but also then I would find myself thinking about all the time I have lost with him--gone way too young. His book bag is still sitting where he left it. I still have not gotten the strength or courage to move it or even look inside of it. I did decide to boot up his computer to update all the updates, but when it booted up, the first thing I saw was a picture of him on his four wheeler getting ready to race as his back round. I just sat there and stared at it. My heart just ached---just wishing so much, I could turn back the clock and none of this ever happened. Couldn't it just be a bad nightmare and I could wake up.
About 10:30 there was a knock on my door, thinking it was somebody coming to visit---not sure I felt up to visitors, i felt more like just sitting in a chair and weeping. It turned out worse than a visitor, it was one of his roommates from college bring all this stuff back home. I thought, i can't stand one more memory or hard thing to deal with today. I tried to pull myself together as well as I could and went out in the garage to look into his truck where all of Taylor's things were. The thing that caught my eye first was the black college size refrigerator. I remembered so clearly ten months before when we moved him down to college. I had bought this new refrigerator for his dorm room. As he was unloading it off his truck down at school, I wanted to help him, but he wanted to show off his muscles in from of his friends by lifting it out all by himself, so I let him. Well, you can about guess what happened, he did not hold the door shut and it opened up and the shelves all fell out onto the ground. One of them broke. He looked at me with a sheepish little grin and said, Oh, mom I am so sorry, I guess I should have left you help me. That memory flooded my mind--- his cute little smiling face saying how sorry he was that he already broke something on his new refrigerator. I helped his roommate unload his truck with Taylor's stuff. He had all Taylor's books in boxes, his clothes in bags. There was a box of food I had just bought Taylor, stuff he had picked out that he liked. He did not like much, but what he liked I bought a lot of it--like Mac and cheese. This was probably three weeks before the accident. None of us has touched a single piece of this food. I could not wait until this kid left, i felt myself starting to lose control. I felt this emotion of sobbing bubbling close to the surface and knew within minutes I was going to be a puddle of tears on the floor. I was not sure what this kid would have done if I took to sobbing right there in front of him---he didn't look like the type to come and hold me up, more like he would have been extremely uncomfortable and ran to his truck and left. He did finally leave and then I just went into the house and took to sobbing. I thought how will I ever be able to go through his stuff, but knew I could not let it sitting there for long, because it was right in the middle of the garage. After I got myself back under control, I found myself just compelled to go look what he had in his refrigerator----I don't know why, but I just needed to see. I guess, because it was so much him--all his personal stuff. When I opened it up, yes, it was so much Taylor----most of the stuff looked like it has been there since the first day of school. He always was a pack rat---never threw a thing away, I guess that went for food too. But the thing that made my heart stop was the bottle of pepto Bismol. Now, that was really him. That was sort a joke with him. He had allergies to some foods, but it seemed like the ones he was allergic to the most, he liked the most. Like most people, they would have stay away from those foods that would make them so sick, not taylor, he ate them anyway, so that made him and the bottle of pepto best friends. He would even take big gulps of it before he would go out, he would say "just in case I need it". I couldn't help but cry when i held that bottle in my hands, knowing this was probably the last thing he touched in his refrigerator because the rest of the things would have given him food poisoning. One bright thought in the mist of this horror, was well, Tay, you don't need to worry about taking your pepto anymore. I then went over to the boxes where his books were and looked in them. I almost lost my breath when I seen his handwriting---his little scribbles. He had done a project about how to set up a business. As I read it, tears ran down my face, it was all about him and Jeff setting up a mechanical business. Even though, i knew it would most likely never have happened, he had it set up with Jeff and him working together as partners. The kid that brought his stuff home, had let it all out in the rain, so his clothes were all wet. I washed them and hung them out on the clothes line. It was almost more than I could stand to see them blowing in the wind, but for one second or two, it made every thing seem so normal---I have washed his clothes and hung them out a million times, but now my heart ached so badly because i knew this was the last time I would ever do that for him. I don't even know why I washed them, I guess I wanted just one more small thing to feel normal---but actually it was far from normal. I knew I could not stay home, and think about this all day, so I left, even if it was for only alittle while. I spent most of this day in tears---thinking-- Taylor, why did it have to be you, could you not just have been hurt, why did you have to be killed, I don't want you dead, i want you alive and eating dinner with us tonight. I know it had to be people's prayers carrying me this day, because I could not stand on my own. I was only wanting to crumble into a heap in some corner. I knew though, that I could not leave all that stuff in the garage. It was terribly hard on me, and I knew it would be extremely hard on Jeff, but I could not force myself to clean it all up, so I just had to pray really hard to God so He would help me through this terrible big hurdle. I would clean them up tomorrow. When the kids and Jeff came home and seen all his clothes on the line, it was almost more than they could stand, so i got them in and hung up his favorite shirts and T-shirts and put them in the basement on the line. I told Spencer he could wear his other ones, but the ones in the basement, were so much Taylor, that nobody could wear them, at least not right now. The next day, I decided I could not walk by all this stuff out in the garage anymore, it was just too painful. So, I prayed really hard for God's strength, Please help me to be able to do this without sobbing my eyes out. The kids were home from school by this time, so I wanted to keep myself at least partly under control. It is really hard on them when I lose complete control, so knew with God's help I would be able to do this, or at least I hoped so. God did hear my prayer and gave me strength to clean out his refrigerator, but that was all I could do for that day. I only cried a little and that was while I taking out his pepto Bismol bottle, most of the rest of the stuff was thrown quickly away. I brought his school papers and books in the house and put them on the couch. I wanted to go through them, but not today---enough trauma for one day.

As terrible as that day was, later God gave me something to think on. Knowing God and His comfort does not take away the ache in my heart, instead it supports me in the middle of the ache. Until i get home to heaven with Taylor there is going to be an ache that won't quite. I had to think this grieving process for me is not so much trying to get rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain. As this week is going to be Thanksgiving. It is going to be the first Thanksgiving without Taylor---The beginning of the Holidays, which they say are very hard the first year. I know at times I will feel like I am drowning in my sorrow, I will feel like my emotions are raining all over the the place, and the winds of daily pressures will be beating against me, but I need to remember God will be right there with me. The verse Phil 4:13 which says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" is one I will need to hang onto with both hands. God will give me his Amazing Grace to get through each day of this Holiday season. I must believe that and trust God's promises.

Wednesday after Funeral

2009-11-20T20:51:00.002-05:00

This is the Wednesday after the funeral.

Each day getting out of bed is very hard. As soon as I wake up, I feel this terrible dread filling my heart and soul. I have a 11 x14 senior picture in the hall right outside my bedroom door, I just stand there and stare at it. I touch his face and think-- I really can not believe you are gone. I don't know how I will make it through this day, actually i think how will I make it to the next minute. Brooke is still home, she does not go back to school until Monday, which does help alittle. They get a sub to take her place for the first week. We don't like staying around the house---there are memories of Taylor everywhere, so Brooke, I, Diane, and her girls decide to go to Amish country to just get out. We go to Walnut Creek and eat there, well they eat, I just sorta sit there and try to focus on what the conversation is, but my mind wants to keep saying over and over again---Taylor is gone!!! After they are done eating we go into a store across the street that carries alot of the P. Graham Dunn stuff. I found a really neat key chain that said "Fix your eyes on Jesus". That had become another favorite verse of mine--"God will keep me in perfect peace, when my eyes stay focused on Jesus." When I said how much I liked that saying, April bought it for me. A few days later the chain broke. At first I thought I will take this back and get another one, but God had a different plan for that little key chain. Brooke said why don't you just carry the little wooden plaque with the saying on it in your pocket. The thought came to me, that is a good idea, and every time I put my hands in my pockets I will feel this plaque and remember to keep my eyes on Jesus. So, now I rarely go out of the house without this little plaque firmly planted in my pocket. It helps me to keep focus on Jesus' face when my mind wants to go everywhere but Jesus's face. We did have a nice day, well as nice as could be expected for somebody in deep grieving. When we get back home, I was looking through all the cards that had come that day, when I came to something for Gillman's. As i opened it, I just knew what it was going to be and I didn't want to look at it. It was Taylor's death certificate. I just went and sat on a chair and held it in my shaking hands with more tears running down my cheeks. It was one more thing that made reality so heart wrenching true. Even if I wanted to pretend, maybe just for a little while, that Taylor was away at college instead of being gone forever, this death certificate in my hand made reality crystal clear. I sat there reading every last detail, with tears running down my cheeks. I just stared at his name typed on top and thought how many times had I written than name on things, and how I will never be doing that again. As I read it, I seen he had died with in minutes of impact. It said he died of head injuries. It had his age 20 years old. Just way to young to die. I had to think, Taylor, if you were not in such a hurry and would have worn your helmet, would it have made a difference. I really can't go there for long, because we will never know that answer, so I just have to go back to thinking God's plan is perfect and it just was not to be. They said his neck was broken, so maybe if he would have lived he would have been paralyzed. But satan came along not too many days ago. One day last week, Brooke was in school, they had a speaker come to talk about something----anyway at lunch, this speaker guy and a few of the teacher were in the lounge eating, when this guy told a story. He said his very good friend had a terrible accident and broke his neck and was in terrible shape, They did surgery and put some kind of plate in his neck and after much recovery time, he is fine---out walking and living life normal. When she told me this story, we both looked at each other and said "Just why could that not be Taylor". There is satan again, bring his tool of discouragement and anger----I thought, we have a choice we can let him (satan) take root and dwell on that guy's friend living life and Taylor had to die, or open the door and kick him (satan) out and say, God knows what He is doing, even if we don't like it now, but someday we will understand and know God did what was best for Taylor. It all comes down to faith. Do I have the faith to believe that God always knows best. I know this sounds crazy, of course God knows best. I do have to admit (sorry to say) I do struggle with putting my other two kids totally in God's hands. Satan likes to come whispering in my ear---you prayed so hard that God would put angels around Taylor and protect him, keep him safe----and look how that prayer turned out----. One night Brooke did not come home when I thought she should have been home and I could feel the panic flooding into my soul. I was so filled with fear, actually it got so bad, all I could think about was a cop coming to our door and saying she has been in an accident and was killed. I was almost paralyzed with fear----and guess what,-- just who's tool is that---yes satan had me by the throat. So. I realize I have to choose what I am going to do to stop this fear, ---or satan will always have control of me and I will end up living in constant fear where my kids are concerned. It was said in one of my grieving books very well--Sovereign God, I choose hope, I choose faith, I choose life. Please give me an unshakable faith in You, Jesus. This is my prayer, but I know this is much easier said than done, but it is a choice I will need to make each and every day-- and truth be told, I am sure I will fail many times----I will need to make a conscience effort to place my kids back into God's hands and trust Him with their lives. Pray I can do that with all my heart, mind and soul.

Diane and I went out to the cemetery today and decided to put up a new picture of Taylor and put some new greenery on the cross that Amber made, and then we put two poinsettia out by his grave. All the while we were doing this, I had to keep reminding myself, he really is not here. He is going to be celebrating Thanksgiving with you, Jesus this year. Yes, we are going to miss him like crazy and probably cry many tears, but like somebody e-mailed me and said, you are grieving Taylor, but Taylor is rejoicing. Pray that we can keep that thought in our hearts and minds, and not let our hearts and minds go to all that we are missing. After we left there, I took Diane home and Spencer and I went out to the accident site to put a poinsettia there. Again it just amazes me how there are always new things there almost every time I go. There were some fresh flowers in a vase, a very nice note somebody had written and put in a baggie along with a key chain from Summit racing, two little figurines. These were all new since I was there a week or so ago. This is not counting the things that were already there. While we were there Mr. Rheem was going by on his tractor and stopped to talk with us. He said that in the next couple of weeks we can come out and take a little corner of his field, which is right there where it happened and move all these things up higher so they do not wash away this winter. He said we can do whatever we want with that corner. We are not sure what we will do with it yet, probably have his friends involved and see what they want to do with it. I can not believer all what Taylor's friends have done to remember him. Mr Rheem said he goes by this place several times a day, and said there are new things all the time. He said kids are stopping and putting things there all the time or maybe just sitting there visiting the site. Again, Taylor, I love you and miss you more than you will ever know, but then it seems alot of your friends are missing you more than I would ever have thought. Taylor--you touched so many lives in life, but you also touch many many lives in death. I can't wait to see you and Jesus on that day I meet you on The Far shores of Jordan.

Monday after Funeral

2009-11-17T16:04:00.003-05:00

This Monday should have been the first day of school for Spencer and Brooke, neither one of them went. Jeff did go off to work. He said what am I going to do at home. I could barely crawl out of bed on this Monday morning, but I could not stay in bed either. It seemed as soon as I would wake up, my mind went into over drive. My mind was going from the horror of the accident to trying to learn how to live with out Taylor. Like Max had said, now we need to find a "new normal", but just what did that look like. I have found my mind only lets me accept tiny bits of this "new normal" at a time, and then my mind would shut down. I think that is probably a safety device that God gave humans in times of tragedy, because if my mind could have accepted the whole concept that Taylor was gone forever, I would have crawled into bed and covered up and probably still be there today. They told us in the support class it will take 6 to 9 months for your mind to fully comprehend the loss. I truly believe that to be true. I sometimes still can not "believe" Taylor is out in the Apostolic Cemetery and not just away at school or out with his friends. We have all talked about this and each one of us have said the same thing. I finally do get up that morning, the kids are still in bed. The first thing I see are all those flowers, and a knife goes into my heart---they are beautiful, but I can't see the beauty of them as of yet all I see is death. I just walk over to where his senior picture is and just stand there and stare at it. My eyes see it, but my mind can not grasp "he is gone", but some part of my heart must get it, because I just sit in a chair and sob. I think how many tears can a person cry, I have cried so many tears in that week, I thought I could become dehydrated. I thought, I would put the clothes away that was in the laundry basket, because somebody had done the laundry while they were here at the house. I was slowly putting it away, when I just had to give out a moan. I came to Taylor's clothes that had been washed and folded up. There was his socks, underwear, T-shirts. I just sat on the bed and held them with tears running down my face. Can I truly believe I am putting them in his drawer for the last time. I have to put them away, it would be to utterly hard to pack them up already. I finally stumble off the bed and walk into his room and open his drawers and put them away---my mind had shut down for a bit---just like he would be wearing them again soon. As I am standing in his room, I seen all his work clothes and work boots that he had taken off that Saturday afternoon before he took a shower to get ready to leave. Nobody had been in that room much since the accident. Taylor was one never to be too neat, so they were all on the floor in a heap. I knew I could not leave them there----they were so much Taylor I could hardly stand to look at them, let alone touch them. i very slowly walked over to pick them up, but instead, I just stood there and stared at them and sobbed some more. I finally got the courage, or I guess I should say God gave me the strength to lean over and pick them up. I could smell "Taylor" in them which just made my heart break more, if that was even possible. I carried them to the basement and layed them in a pile where Taylor was suppose to put his dirty clothes (but of course Taylor was too much in a hurry to get out with his friends---and I was not here to remind him of that little chore, so they all were left in his room :) )When I got to the basement with them, I just leaned against the washer and thought, "this can't possible be true---this all has to be a bad nightmare, and I will wake up very soon, but a little voice kept say, but it is true. i think at this point, people's prayers were carrying me, because I was mostly just moaning and groaning when talking with God----I know the Holy Spirit was interceding for me, and for that I am very thankful. Later in the day, Spencer and I went to register him at school. He thought it might be better if he went to school and get back involved with soccer. When we got to his locker, he wanted to try the combination out to make sure he could get it opened. When he did open it, somebody had put a note in there with a bag a skittles. It almost make him cry, somebody was thinking about him. We got many more cards in the mail that day, people would stop by to give us food, just to visit or may be give me a book on grieving---which these books have been very informative. I have learned a lot from each book. Jeff came home from work and said, it was a hard day. He spends alot of time driving Rohrer's truck and has a lot of time to think. The best part of those first days was when it was time to go to bed. God usually let sleep come, which I was very thankful for---that was the only time of the day, that Taylor was not on my mind. When mornings came, it was like picking up a 110 pound bag of rocks and putting it around my neck to start the day. God was always near and He would give me comfort through out the day, either by somebody calling, giving me verses, somebody talking on WCRF, but sometimes it was just hard to heard God, I was so consumed with grief.

Now that we are a little further down the road, I am not quite in the depths of grieving, which at first was all my waking hours, it is still alot, but maybe not all my waking hours, so I can hear God a little bit clearer. Today as I was working out, God was trying to give me a little bit better picture of just how much He loves me. I always knew He loved me, but I think He wanted me to see it on a little bit different level. It was like He said I gave my Son freely, yes you lost your son, but would you have given him freely. Of course my answer is No, I love Taylor so much, how could I have given him freely. God said, I love mine too, and not only did I give Him freely, I watched Him being flogged, spit on, thorns smashed on his head, made fun of, rejected, and crucified on that Cross, but the hardest part of all was when I had to turn my back on Him while He was taking on the sins of the world----He felt so forsaken by Me, that He did not even call me Father, but My God, My God. And I would do this all for just one soul. Yes, you lost your son, but he was loved by many, he died quickly, he never was forsaken, in fact, I sent an angel to get him and bring him back to my Son, who welcomed him into the gates of Heaven. No, you had no choice, but I (God) did have a choice and I chose to do all this so you and every body that will believe on My Son would have a way of Salvation and live with Me eternally. Just ask me and I will help you through your grieving----You know my promise "Never will I leave you nor forsake you" (Heb: 13:5). I think God wanted me yet to included this verse. i was thinking of it, but didn't know for sure where to find it, and I just sorta opened the Bible and it opened right to it. Ephesians 3:18 "May you have power together with all the saints to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge" Yes, I had a very bad day yesterday, but God never lets me down very long. He always has a way to get my attention back on Him. I love Jesus with all my heart, but I still can not really truly understand that depth of love----to give Your Only Beloved Son, but am so thankful that He chose to do that. And also I want to thank you all for your extra prayers, I am sure that helped bring me closer back to Jesus.

Need An Little Extra Prayers Today, Please!!

2009-11-16T10:57:00.004-05:00

I am struggling today. When you read this, please say a little prayer for me--thanks. Today is the 3rd month anniversary of Taylor's death. I am feeling the extreme loss and loneliness. I think we all are.It seems like it has been forever since I have seen and talked with him. I was up in his room a little while ago and was going to take some of his shirts (not the t-shirts that he wore alot, but the polo shirts) and put them over on Spencer's side. They both wore the same size shirt. When I took out a couple of them, I got a whiff of his cologne. I could not help myself, I just had to bury my face in his shirt and breathe in his "smell" for awhile, but of course I could not help by sob. Even though, it makes my heart ache unbelievably bad, I just had to sit there and hold his shirt in my face. It is almost like I am holding him. I sometimes wonder will my heart ache forever. I am sure that it will, but it can't possibly ache like it does today forever, or I am sure I will die of a broken heart. Jeff had a really bad day yesterday. He just cried most of the day. I tried to ask him what made it so sad, but he just kept saying it is a very bad day----. I was talking with Brooke yesterday afternoon and she was asking me if I ever get anxiety feelings. I asked what do you mean, like anxiety about Taylor. She said yes, like I can be thinking about him, and am going to tell him something, and all at once it hits me in my heart that he is gone and never coming back--it almost makes me start to shake. I said, i have them all the time. Just like I can walk by his pile of work clothes and work boots in the basement ten times and the eleventh time I walk by, I can almost crumble to the floor in pain with the thought he is never going to wear them again, I am not going to ever see him on earth again. Spencer says he has the same thoughts and feelings. Brooke says she feels like she could pick up anything in sight and throw it as hard as she could and break as many things as possible. She is probably more in the stage of anger----. I really don't feel anger, well most of the time I don't, but I feel extreme sadness and loneliness. I think we all are getting a little anxious about the holidays fast approaching. One day, I was thinking how are we ever going to make it through the holidays, especially Christmas and as I was thinking this, on WCRF they were talking about God's Grace. They said don't think ahead and wonder how am I going to get through that day, because God has not given you the Grace for that day yet and when that day comes, God will be there to give the Grace you will need to make it. I try to hang onto that thought---God will give me the Grace to make it through the holidays without Taylor being with us.
I guess the best way to explain how I feel today is this. Imagine being outside in a strange place, a place I have never been and I am by yourself, well just me and God. Not only am I in a strange place, but it is pitch dark, can't even see my hand six inches in front of my face. I have my eyes open, but can not see a single thing. I realize I am going to need some light to see my way home, which I know is the most safe place to be. I find a match in my pocket and light the candle that is in my hand. The light is Jesus. The matches are Jesus promises to me. Now, all I can see are two and sometimes only one step in front of me. I hear a bunch of strange noises off to right side of me, but it is so dark I can't see for sure if it is danger, but know it probably is (frustration, discouragement, loneliness) so I try really hard to just look straight at where the light is shining (Jesus) and take one small step at at time. Pretty soon a breeze comes along and blows out the candle (satan), now it is again pitch dark. I have lost focus and am not prepared, can't find the matches stumbling off path (fear). I stumble over a branch (anger, discouragement), but finally get the matches back out and light the candle (Jesus) again. I climb back onto the path and now I am more cautious that my flame does not go out (guarding my heart against satan's fiery darts). But of course I am not always ready for which way the wind is going to be blowing (satan) and it comes unexpectedly from a different direction and takes me off guard so I am in the dark again. This happens over and over, but the most important thing for me to remember is to have my matches ready as quickly as possible (God's memorized verses, His promises) so I can get my candle burning again and see the light (Jesus) and follow it. God will bring day light after the dark night and I will see much more clearly (the valley of grief is lessening) and I will continue on to the safety of home (heaven). I just have to remember that in Exodus 14:14--God says, "The Lord will fight for me, I need only to be still"
When this first happened and we were in the mist of horror, Spencer's friend, Kayla, was with him alot. She came those day and sat with him, Sometimes they would be talking quietly with each other, sometimes she would just sit quietly by him. She was a great comfort to him. He felt her support in the misted of this tragedy. She even went to the funeral home with him and supported him on that horrible Tuesday. I thought to myself, she is being a good friend, because what 15 year old kid would want to be in the middle of so many tears, and horror, most would have ran or just wanted to talk on the phone or even just tex each other. She stuck close to him through it all, and even now she talks to him often. She told him the other day, that she had a dream that she, Brooke and Spencer were together and then Brooke, Spencer were over talking with someone else and she was just standing by herself and when she turns around, there stood Taylor. He smiled at her and started to walk over to give her a hug, but she was confused and said to him, "what are you doing here," but then she decided to walk over and hug him, but he moved out of her reach,and said instead with a smile "Thanks for being so good to him (Spencer)", she started to cry and when she looked again, Taylor just disappeared. I asked Spencer did that make you want to cry and he said yes, then we started to talk, do you think Taylor can see certain things here on earth. We didn't know, but then I put some more thought into it. Like it says in Luke 15:10 "I tell you there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents". It does not speak of rejoicing by the angels but in the presence of the angels. So, do you think is it God and the saints doing the rejoicing. So, maybe God does let the saints look down and see the good things people do. I am so thankful for all the good things people have done for us. There has been and hopefully will continue to be many many prayers for us. I am just amazed at the compassion of God's servants. We continue to get cards every week, many are from people who already have sent at least one card. They just want us to know they care, and are thinking and praying for us daily. We have people still bring us dinner, at least once a week. That is very much appreciated, because I am not that much into cooking anyway, but now, I could care less, but for some reason they all seem to get hungry around here anyway :). Taylor's friends amaze me also. Even though, it has been three months and their lives have gone one---what young person wants to dwell on death very long, but they have not gotten Taylor out of their minds and hearts not even a little bit. Every time I go out to his grave, there is almost always something new they left there. Somebody left an IH belt buckle and an IH tractor both which Taylor would have loved---Some have gotten tattoo's in the memory of Taylor. Some have gotten crosses, or maybe his racing number, or just in loving memory of Taylor Gasser tattooed on their bodies. They plan never to forget Taylor. This all touches my heart deeply. One of Spencer's friends sends him each month a gift card to one of his favorite places to eat, like McDonald's, Wendy's, Subway. We don't know who some of you are, but whether we know you or not, we want to thank each and every one of you who have been so compassionate and kind. You will never know what it means and feels like for us to know others are right here with us, holding us up even when we feel like we can barely stand. Also I want to thank all who take the time and effort to make comments on this blog or e-mail, it is a real encouragement to me. I was going to write about that first week after the funeral, but I am already too sad and this is so long already, I will next time.

Sunday After Funeral

2009-11-12T11:58:00.002-05:00

Today is a beautiful fall day, but I have realized when it comes to grieving it really does not matter if it is raining or sunny. Grieving is a something I never would have understood. I would have thought each day, I would have moved along the path of grieving step by step a little further, but instead it is more like I can be walking along and pretty soon something knocks me down and when I get up, I can feel like I am at square one in the grieving process again. Every memory is so painful, that I can hardly stand to look or think of any of them. Sometimes, I don't even know what triggers it, I can just get up in the morning and feel like I am at the bottom of the grieving process and feel like it just all happened yesterday. Just like yesterday, I got up and yes it was a beautiful day, but I could hardly notice, because my heart was so sad and all I could think about was Taylor. I would have one memory after another coming into my mind all day, making me sadder and sadder. Even though I know this is God's perfect plan, I miss and ache for Taylor's presence terribly. God does give me Grace to get through the day, and i am usually very glad when i can lay my head on the pillow and the day is over, because God usually does not let me have more than one day like that at a time. In fact, as i am writing this now, I am downloading the Bluffton tapes onto my i-pod. I usually shut off the music while I am doing it, but it does just come on by itself sometimes. On two different sermons that I was downloading the music came on and guess what song it was both times. Yes, Amazing Grace---if you remember God has gotten me through this terrible experience more than one on this song. God is picking me up and holding me today. Just like God says in the Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves me who is crushed in spirit----that is exactly how some days I feel---crushed in spirit, but I know God is close to me. Like yesterday, I was listening to another sermon from Bluffton and they were singing "Just over the River", as I was listening to the words they touched my heart. Just in part of this song---"I am told this is the city of God: Its gates are of pearl and its streets are of gold---Jesus my Saviour has gone to that city to prepare mansions of many. In that city are loved ones awaiting my coming. Expectant they stand on that shore, where the streets are paved with pure gold. I can imagine Taylor standing there on those shores with streets of pure gold, when I get there to meet me and that is a great thought. That is where my mind need to be fixed, and alot of the time it is, but humanly I find my heart aching for all loses of Taylor. I miss his smirky smiling face, his funny personality--he could make anybody laugh,even when I was in a bad mood, he could make me smile and even all the messes he made that I use to complain about---i would gladly clean them up. I heard this which I thought was interesting. They said for believers this life here on earth will be the closest they ever come to Hell and for the unbelievers this life on earth is the closes they will ever come to Heaven. What a thought---if I thought this is the closes I was going to get to heaven, I would be in the depths of depression and never come out of it, but in all reality that statement is so scary, but so true.

The Sunday after the funeral, I could not decide if i wanted to go to church or not, but staying home sounded terrible also. I did not know what if anything sounded good. So, we did decide to go. We went late, because i did not feel like talking to lot of people. As we were pulling up to the front doors, I could feel myself thinking this is probably not a good idea. As I was getting out of the car, I felt like I could break down into a puddle of tears and when I opened those front doors, all I could see in my mind was Taylor laying there in his casket and people all over the place, and us getting ready to close the lid. I was fighting to keep some kind of control. Diane was right inside the door and so was Ricki which helped and most everybody else was already in church. i fought the whole day not to fall into a puddle of tears. Diane, Ricki, Martha Lou all pretty much just stayed in a group. I really did not talk to very many people, which for that Sunday was good, because I could not talk about any of it without just sobbing. Right after church, I left and came home feeling like I was whipped and just wanted to go to bed. We did go to Max's for supper that night, in fact we go there almost every Sunday night and spend time with them and their kids. That is a great support and comfort because i think we were all there and experience this tragedy one way or another from the very first moment it happened. That has bonded us very deeply as a family and for that I am very thankful. We spent alot of the evening just talking about all our emotions, thoughts and feelings. We even at one point got out Diane's photo album and looked at pictures of Taylor. I am not sure we were ready for that, or if I was ready for that----it made my heart even ache more. He looked so live and happy in them, and all I could think about was, that is all I have left are pictures, well of course memories too--- but how very sad.
Diane, Max and some of their kids decided to go out to the accident site on that Sunday afternoon. I was not ready to deal with that yet---i knew that would be an emotional time and I was not even handling the emotions I was having very well. Diane said, it was a surreal experience. It was peaceful place, a little stream--water going between a couple of rocks. She said she was thinking this is the place that Taylor took his last breath here on earth, then she said to her kids, just think an angel, or an heavenly beam came to this very spot, it didn't touch the ground, but came very close and picked Taylor's soul up. Probably said, Ok Taylor it is time for you to come with me-----Did Taylor know he died---probably---he probably thought, Oh, no, mom was right when she said this was dangerous and I could get killed on it, she will be so sad. Did his spirit hoover above his body and see all that was happening at least for a little bit----it is possible, but of course we will never know. Amber when out to the site very soon after it happened and put a very nice cross that said--Taylor Gasser on one T and We love and miss you on the other on. Thank you Amber---it is marked where Taylor died. Some of his friends went out also and put mulch and another cross with flowers all around it. In Brooke's tribute she said how Taylor loved tractors, so somebody put two little red tractor's out there by the cross. They put a picture of Taylor and a couple of his friends out there too. Again, I have to say, Taylor touched alot of hearts. We are all grieving for this kid that always had a smile on his face and never wanted anyone to be sad, but we are looking forward to seeing him one day, and it may be sooner than we think!!

First Days After Funeral

2009-11-09T11:45:00.002-05:00

It was 12 weeks last Saturday since Taylor's accident. Sometimes it feels like we are stuck in time and other times I can not believe it has been 12 weeks. At first, we had all bad days with a few good moments mixed in, but after 12 weeks we still have alot of bad days, but more good moments are starting to mix in. I was out at the accident site on Saturday. It was a beautiful day. I just sat there by the little stream that goes through the rocks, the water was making a little bubbling sound, almost peaceful. Taylor's friends are still putting flowers out there, sometimes there are flowers on the rock where he hit his head. I just sat there and thought about all that had happened that night. I was thinking, I am sure Taylor that Saturday night was all happy, it was a warm summer evening the kids were having a bon fire. It must have been muddy from previous rains, because Sara was telling me how right before this happened, he was spinning his tires on his 4-wheeler in some mud and was spraying Sara with mud. When Sara said, look Taylor what you have done, he just gives that little smirky smile and says, Oh I am so sorry. He said it almost like he meant it :). They were always playing little jokes on each other. Then Sara jumps on another 4wheeler with another kid and speeds off, and Taylor left soon after wards--he never wanted anyone to be ahead of him, because he always thought he had the fastest 4wheeler----I will explain the accident later and how it happened.

When I get up on that Friday after the funeral, I felt like I was in the mist of a terrible illness. I was feeling extremely tired, weak and just wanted to stay in bed, but knew I couldn't do that. When I walked down stairs the first thing that I saw was all those flowers sitting in my livingroom. It just brought reality right back into focus, not that it really ever blurs out of focus. None of us has really went back into Taylor's room except for me to get out clothes for Spencer to wear. It is just too painful to see all his stuff, but then there are reminders everywhere. His book bag and laptop are sitting pretty much where he left them when he came home from school. I could not even touch it, i could barely look at it. We slowly got dressed and then went over to Max's. That was where mom, dad, Warren, Dawn and Bill and all her kids were. We were all exhausted and just sat around. It was a beautiful day, so we did go out for a walk. Warren, Jeff, Spencer, Bill and Brooke decided they wanted to go see where the accident happened. I said I am not ready to see that now. I knew that some day I will want to see it, but right now is not the time, in fact I still can not even believe it happened. Dad is still doing really well. We all knew it is only by the Grace of God that he is doing so well. We do have a nice time together, but all too soon the day is over and it is time for us to go home again and I know tomorrow is the day they are all leaving to go home. It is hard to sleep. If my mind is not on all the horror of the last week, it is on all the things I am going to miss with Taylor, or one memory after another is flooding my mind. I am just praying I do not have dreams about Taylor, that would be soooo hard. It would be like watching home videos----he would be so alive and happy. Please God not yet.
The next morning, I am to pick Dawn and Bill up at Luann's---that was where they stayed and take them into Wooster to the motel where mom, dad and Warren were staying. Getting up is a struggle on any given day, it just means another day to deal with reality, but today is even worse because they are all leaving. I pick up Dawn and Bill and we go to the motel. We visit a little bit then mom, dad, Dawn and Bill leave. As I am hugging them all good bye, I wonder when I will see them again. I know in my heart, dad will probably not be out again, and thinking about us going back to mom and dad, is almost more than I can stand---those memories were so terrible getting the phone call that night at their place. So, I am feeling really sad, knowing it will be a long time until I see them again. They leave telling me they will pray continuously for me, my heart is breaking---I am so tired of saying Good bye. After they leave, Warren and I go back into the motel to the pool area and just sit and talk about all that has happened. Many times, i just sit there and think I really can't believe my Taylor is gone, I will never touch him again, never talk with him---that thought is so overpowering, my body takes to shaking. Warren says, there will be many hard days----I am thinking these days are so hard now, just how many hard days will I be able to endure. I realize I will not be able to endure many if any more by myself, God is going to have to be my Strength. Warren says, I don't know what I would do if it was one of mine----it would be so hard. I thought it is hard, but I did not have a choice, God chose Taylor. I just knew I have to stay in God's hands, and He will carry me. After an hour or so, it was time to hug him good bye also. It was sad to see him drive away, because I knew it would be a long time until I seen him again , and also it is just comforting to have my family close by. I get into my car and drive home---I cry most of the way, knowing my life is forever changed and I feel lost in all the pain. I get home and it is two days before school starts. Brooke and I decided we can not sit around the house, to empty and lonely. Max's and all their kids and us have been together for a week straight almost every waking hour, now we are by ourselves--and don't like it much. Brooke and I go into Wooster again to get some of her school supplies, but when we get there we realize we are really just walking around in a daze, putting one foot in front of the other. I actually feel like my body is walking, but my mind and heart are completely somewhere else, just trying to hold on to sanity. I know God is suppose to be near the broken hearted, but I think by this time, i am mostly numb, even though, I don't feel God I know in my heart He is near. I know that the horror of the tragedy is over---the phone call, viewing, funeral, and now the reality is going to set in. I know, or at least I hope it comes in little steps because i know it is going to be overwhelming and very painful. As we are walking around Staples, Brooke gets a little tap on her shoulder and God must have thought you sad little people need some encouraging right now. It was the guy that made that phone about Taylor's salvation--Craig and his wife. We stood and talked to them for a least an hour and yes when we left we did feel alittle bit better. We came back home and pretty much did nothing. The next day is Sunday, do we go to church, stay home in bed. Can I really go back to church where just three days before was Taylor's funeral---I don't know---God, what should I do. The best part of the day then was going to bed. Even though I had trouble getting to sleep, once asleep, it was a break from my heart achy continually. I knew that people's prayers were carrying me, because I still could only pray, Thank you God for helping me through another day.
I know this road of grieving is going to be long and alot of the time very difficult, but God says in Jer. 31:13 He will turn my mourning into gladness; He will give me comfort and joy instead of sorrow. That is another promise, so I must believe that someday, we will see joy and gladness again.

Funeral Day (part 2)

2009-11-05T14:45:00.002-05:00

We drive slowly right behind Gillman's to the cemetery. I remember when we are driving up that long drive to the cemetery, I am thinking how can this be true, how can we actually be doing this---Tay is going for his final ride--he is way too young. I was thinking, he has never been back to this cemetery in life, his first time back is in death. It is all too much for my mind, it starts to shut down . As we stop by the tent, the pallbears are starting to carry Taylor's casket over to the burial site. Keith told us later, he was thinking, Oh, Tay, we should be playing in the waves in ocean at Nags Head like we use to do, not me carrying your casket. We slowly get out of the car and head over to the tent. The sun was out and warm--a day Taylor would have loved. He loved summer and being outside, and being with his friends. Even though Taylor didn't know it, he had all three. His friends were all there. As i looked around alittle, I noticed that every lane in the cemetery was filled up with cars and the line of cars was going out the cemetery and down the lane. The choir sang a song, then Gary had a prayer and now it was time to say our final good-bye---just how could we possibly be able to do that. As we seen, it was not easy for anyone. Gillman starts to pull carnations from the spray and giving us each one. Then he goes over to the pall bears---which was truly a sight to see---they all stood perfectly straight in a line with sober faces and tears in their eyes and gave each of them one. Spencer, Brooke and I went up and knelt over Taylor's casket. I think God must have been carrying me again, and sorta shut my mind off because I just knelt there with no tears left. Spencer took this very hard, he was sobbing leaning over Tay' casket. Jeff noticed that nobody was leaving and thought they were perhaps waiting for us to leave first, so he thought maybe we should get back into the car. So, Spencer, Brooke and I get up to leave, but I notice that Spencer looked like he was not ready to leave yet. I asked him, do you want to go back by Taylor again, and he quickly said yes. I and Spencer went back to Taylor and just knelt there with our faces in our hands over the casket. I felt I had no heart left---it had been completely ripped out. After several more minutes, Spencer had said his final good-bye's and started to get up. I noticed that there were still people everywhere---I was thinking, I thought every body left after the prayer, I wonder why they are all still here. I am glad that somebody noticed what was happening, because we were so wrapped up in grief, we did not catch what was happening. Ricki came up to Jeff and says, i think the kids would like to also say good bye to Taylor. Jeff then says, if any of you kids want to come up closer and say good bye you are welcome to. That was something to see---the guys and girls come up to the casket, they got on their knees and knelt by the casket with their arms on it. There was not enough room for them all, so some just knelt behind the ones closes to the casket. Oh, if only Taylor could have seen all his friends on their knees---I can only pray, Taylor, you left a big enough mark on their lives that they will want Jesus in their lives. They all seen how quickly Taylor went from having fun riding his 4 wheeler to eternity. This was very emotional to see all these kids on their knees. They get up after a few minutes, but still no body leaves. Some waited until they could go up by themselves to mourn Taylor. I seen Jed up by himself, maybe I should have just left him by himself, but, my heart was breaking for him too. I just went up and put my arm around him and just quietly knelt by his side. He was sobbing, but then who wasn't at this point. Kirk came up and knelt by the casket and was softly crying---he had just lost one of his best friends. Their hearts were all breaking too. All those big muscular guys were crying without shame. Everybody was seeing that death is so final and this was the last time we would be this physically close to Taylor. How are we going to ever be able to continue on---that is our human thought, and the answer is, we can't and we won't. It is only in God's mercy that I will be able to get up tomorrow after this funeral. Kelly Gillman does come over to me---this is the first time I ever seen any compassion from her since this all happened. She does give me a hug and I think she might even be crying alittle. She said I have never seen anything quite like this. This is really hard. We slowly get back into our cars and everybody does start to leave this time. We go back to the church for lunch. I thought all I want to do is go home and pull the covers over my head and not think. After lunch, alot of the Illinois people that came are starting to leave. i truly appreciated all of those that put the effort and time into coming. Mom and Dad were still doing pretty well, they were tired, but feeling well, and for that we were thankful. Mom and dad, Warren, Ron all go to Diane's. Us, Max's and Max's kids have to now go back to the fellowship hall and clean up and take care of the flowers. As we are driving back to the fellowship hall, all I can think is I really really do not want to go back here. As I walk in the doors all the memories and emotions comes flooding back from the day before. I turn the corner and there are all the flowers still sitting and then the empty place where the casket was. I just stood there and stared, again reality has hit, it really is true. I told everybody to take whatever they wanted of the flowers and plants. We carried the flowers out to our cars, but in my heart even though those flowers were beautiful they just reminded me of such horror, I could hardly look at them. We did take some to the nursing home which they all just loved. I did take some home. It was sorta bittersweet, yes the flowers remind me of horror, but when it came time to throw them out, it almost felt like I was throwing out part of Taylor. I got a big plaque of "Be Still and Know I Am God" that I just love---it is one of my favorite verses. Jeff and Max swept the fellowship hall and finally it is time to leave and go home. We come home and Jeff gets the mail, we get another 50 cards. Jeff loves cards, he is still reading everyone of them word for word. I am not in the mood to read more mournful cards. For right now, it is also such a reminder of this terrible horror that has struck our lives. My heart is so broken and shredded that probably the only one that is going to be any comfort is God. But don't get me wrong, I later read the cards and we end up getting somewhere around 570 cards. We got bunches the first week or two, but the ones that meant the most to me were the ones we got after that. That was probably because the horror had lessen a bit and I could actually read them and feel what the person was trying to say. We still get cards almost every day, of course not nearly as many, but those mean alot, because we know that we are still in their hearts, and prayers. They have to be thinking about us, to go get a card, write in it and then send it. I learned alot through all of this---what to say, what not to say, when to send a card. We also will get two, three and sometimes four cards from the same person---now we know or sure those people are really praying for us---Thank you all who pray for us. After we change our clothes and carry our flowers in the house, we go over to Diane's. My whole family is over there, so it is really nice to be with all of them----this happens so rarely. Karen and Luann are our "maids"s for the evening and they go a great job. They serve us dinner---I am not sure if anybody was hungry or not, but we at least pretended to eat, or maybe that was just me that had to pretend to be hungry. We really did not talk too much about the funeral. We did have a few laughs. I think our bodies were so tired, we just wanted to relax. But of course there was a constant thought, which has taken a permanent place in my mind----Taylor is gone, I can not see, touch or talk with him ever again---every once in a while my body will just shake from that thought. As we sat there and visited a terrible storm came up and it rained really hard. Of course my mind went to Taylor out there all by himself---I know a crazy thought, he really is not there, but it still kept running through my mind. Somebody make the comment that we all cried many tears this day, and now God is crying His tears. That thought touched my heart---Jesus probably did cry with us many times and still does on hard days. Carol did not go to the funeral, but was not feeling too badly. Her face did have some rug burns on it, but not too bad. We did find out later that Carol ended up with two small breaks in her wrist and had to have alot of physical therapy, which helped alot. Well, it was time to say good bye to Ron and Carol, they were flying back very early the next morning. I was very sad to see them leave, but Ron has kept in contact with me and has been a great support. More than once he called and I was in tears and he would help me refocus back on Jesus and not myself. Anyway, one last word of advice he told Jeff and myself before he left is-- He said never go down the street of "why". He said when he got wounded in Vietnam and had to have his leg amputated he felt he had the right to ask God "why" He left that happen---and God was silent. Ron said satan took that silence and took him down a road he barely made it back. I can not say I have never asked "why"----it is so easy to ask that question, and I will go into that later, but after hearing this story of Ron's, which he told me in more detail, I knew i probably would not make it back, so i try to refocus when my mind goes there----which is exactly where satan wants me to go. I have found that to be a slippery slope. We say our good bye's to Ron's and go home. It is a quiet ride home, each in our own thoughts. When we get home, we all walked into the house. Spencer said I can't sleep in that room, so he doesn't. I just go into Taylor and Spencer's room and stand there by Tay's bed and stare at his bed. My mind just kept saying over and over, you should be in your bed, not in the cemetery. Pretty soon I found myself sobbing again, so I quietly shut off the light and go out of his room. The last five days have been the worst days of my life---some have told me, you have been though the worse thing that can possibly happen to you---sometimes I think that must be true, but then I am sure there are worst things---what if your child was kidnapped and you did not know where or who had them. That would be worse. I have to say, Max, Diane and her kids were huge support in this terrible time. Each and every one of them were a support in a different way and at a different time.
They all are still great support to us----I don't know what I would have done with out any of them---God put me in very good hands. Max and Diane went through every step with us, and at many moments they actually held us up physically, they helped us make decision when I could not even hardly breath, let alone make any type of decisions. Like Diane has said, they were mourning Taylor but they also had to watch us mourn the extremely deep lose of a child, which was almost as hard as mourning Taylor. Diane did comment that in those five days, she has never felt closer to God. It was almost like God had a hold of her hand. She said as she looks back and some of the things that she did for us, she said it had to be God working through her, because on her own, she said I would have also been crumpled on the floor. Once again, God gives Grace where it is needed. Prayers of the people were carrying every last one of us---all I ask is please continue to pray for us, Max's, and Taylor's friends. I can't explain how thankful I am for a praying group of friends. Thank you all.

Just Some Thoughts

2009-11-04T19:11:00.004-05:00

We started our Bible Study yesterday. We do Beth Moore studies and have decided to do the one on Daniel. This is our third study with this group of women. Diane and I were talking later,we were saying just think how much has changed in those three years. One was diagnose with breast cancer, one is waiting for a kidney transplant, one lost a sibling, one was diagnose with glaucoma, and I lost a son. We pray for each other, and lift each other up to the Throne of God, but we still each have to fight the demons in the middle of the night by ourselves---well that is not true, God is always right there beside us. Isn't it night time that satan likes to come and play in our minds. Doesn't he like to take all the blessings and triumphs that God has given us throughout the day and plant seeds of doubts and discouragements. I woke up last night in the middle of the night and found myself thinking once again about all the things that I will not see Taylor do. One that really stuck was what will it be like when I see Taylor's friends getting married and having kids. Grandkids i will never hold. I just had to pray over and over, Please Jesus please fill this whole that I have in my heart with You. Today, God brought this verse to my mind Romans 8:28 which says" We know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him and who have been called according to His purpose." I just sat back and tried to think on it. It did not say, SOMETIMES God brings good to those who love Him, but in ALL things. I wanted to say --I think there has been a mistake here, I don't see anything good in this tragedy----our hearts are all broken in a thousand pieces. But then God does not lie, so it has to be true. So, I must believe that God will bring good out of this tragedy. I do pray, God, if You decide to show me while I am still here on earth, help me to see it, or maybe I will never know what it is until I meet Jesus at Heaven's Gates. I just don't want to be lost in grief somewhere and miss it all. I do know --that verse is a promise, and God never breaks a promise. Right now, though, it is hard for me to feel or see it being good, but that is what is called faith----believing without seeing. Faith really is not knowing how God will bring His will into being---faith is knowing that God will bring His will into being. No, i did not think of that on my own, I got it out of my grief book---but I thought it said it all.
Brooke is now driving Taylor's truck. She has not yet gotten a vehicle after she her accident. She had been borrowing a kind hearted teacher's car, but he needed it back. So what was it going to be like with Taylor's truck parked in the garage very night, so every time I go out into the garage I see it. I must admit it does give me a pain in my heart, but it is something how your mind get "use" to that image. I do try not to look as she is driving down the lane in it---that is more than I can stand for right now.
Even though, we are going down this journey of grief, every once in a while we do find ourselves laughing. Last night after dinner, Brooke and I were still sitting at the table and Jeff and Spencer were going to do dishes. Spencer did not think he should have to do dishes and was being sarcastic, I had two little baby carrots on my plate, so I very carefully picked them up and threw them at this head, and bingo, both hit him in the head. Well, knowing Spencer he had to get revenge, he comes over and picks me right up off my feet and carrys me around, can you see this picture---big tall Spenc is holding me and I am kicking my legs in every direction trying to get down. We did all end up laughing pretty hard. It felt good to once again to just laugh.

Different Feelings

2009-10-31T15:29:00.006-04:00

Today started out gloomy and looking like rain (is that something new for Ohio :)). It was so windy that I decided to go back out to the cemetery to see how my beautiful white roses were doing----a lot more rain and wind has hit since I was there on Wednesday. But after my meltdown on Wednesday, I was not sure I was ready, or even wanted to go back so soon, but decided i needed to check those flowers. As I drove up that long drive, my thoughts took a different street. Instead of the street of loneliness and terrible sadness, they took the street straight to Jesus's heart for comfort. I seen the flowers were all knocked over and so was the vase, but the flowers still have been protected. They still looked really good--all opened up, but not wilted yet---not like they had weathered monsoon rains and lots of wind. I picked them up and put water back in the vase. (side note, I found out I was the third one out there today to set them back up-----Taylor, you are a loved boy by many---) As I sat in my car---too windy. There were alot of clouds in the sky, but the sun was shinning though---making a silver lining. As I sat there, I had to think, some day Jesus is going to come through those clouds with trumpets blowing and ten thousand angels singing -Wow! how great will that be!! and Taylor will be with him. Jesus told us the dead will rise first. Will I be looking for Taylor, probably not at first. My eyes, i am sure, will be fixed on Jesus's face, but soon after that I will be hugging Taylor----he will probably be saying "mom, not so tight, can't breathe". What a Day that Will Be.
Last night before i went to sleep, i was reading this book called "When God and Grief meet" In those pages I read, God gave me a verse in that book, to which I thought was very powerful, especially for me at this time in my journey. It is Deut. 31:81---.THE LORD HIMSELF GOES BEFORE ME & WILL BE WITH ME. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME. DO NO BE A AFRAID, DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED" God just knew I needed that verse after this week. When I got up this morning, I decided I was going to think on that verse and study it. I thought, that is a promise and Jesus never breaks promises, so it has to be true, today, tomorrow, and always----so i need to grab a hold with both hands and remember this one. I had to think Jesus is always with me, in fact He is already in my tomorrow's. He is always just a whisper away, and He is never going to leave---it is me that moves from Him and lets go of this promise---at least for a little while. I also thought, Jesus did not say, I will sent an angel instead of Myself , but He said He was going Himself---how comforting is that! Just why is it so easy to let go of a promise like that from Jesus and look at my circumstances and let satan pull me back into the streets of pain, loneliness and discouragement that comes with that. So, I am thinking out in the cemetery and looking up into the clouds---knowing Jesus is right there looking down saying those exact words to me in that verse. i had to think when my kids were little, like maybe kindergarten or even younger (not so much Taylor--he had much "tougher'" skin than Spencer---anyway he would every so often come home with tears running down his cheeks because some kid had hurt his feelings or took something he thought was his.(at first, i may not have reacted much like Jesus , instead I would have wanted to get a hold of that kid that hurt Spencer and get revenge)but most of the time, I would take Spencer and set him on my lap and hold him close to my heart and talk with him----that was always calming and he knew I was there for him---I was not leaving him, he knew I loved him, I could just see a calmness come over him, and he felt everything was going to be fine---he trusted me to make everything alright . But I thought, I will fail Spencer many many times in life, but Jesus will never break a promise to me, or fail me.
With this verse, I could visualize myself getting that close to Jesus, in his arms, with my head on his chest---I am so close I could hear his heart beating. Fear, discouragement, loneliness all leaves. Now the key is to stay there, but satan certainly does not want that----he would never win a single battle. It does help me to memorize these verses that are promises and say them over and over, but I must say some days, in fact, alot of days, I lose the battle and fall into 'self" mode and fall into a puddle of tears. So again,what makes it so easy to let go of these promises, and let satan take me down the street of despair, loneliness, discouragement so often. Why can't i just keep that thought--Jesus in already in my tomorrow, and He is never going to leave me.. He will never pull away from me, so it is always me that pulls away. I guess, it just shows how weak man is----that is why prayer from all of you is so important--In my weakness, sometimes I can't even pray, just moans and gr0ans.

Flowers

2009-10-29T11:55:00.003-04:00

Seeing God in the mist of extreme sadness and loneliness. On Tuesday afternoon, Jeff came home and said through tears that somebody was out visiting Taylor and left 12 white roses. Not just one, but 12 beautiful white roses. Jeff and i decided to go out there and put them in a vase. They were just laying there by the mums. We opened up what they were wrapped in and put them in a vase. By this time it was evening and getting dark, but they were so pretty that I took some pictures of them. I had to think, his friends are hurting and missing Taylor in a terrible too. Most of them have not experienced death at all, most still have their grandparents--- please pray for them. Later than night, when I woke up and heard all the raining, I thought all those pretty rose petals will be knocked off and the vase will probably be knocked over too. i just prayed, God please protect those flowers. I know I have so many other thinks to be praying for, just why would i be praying for those flowers---I don't know,--maybe I just wanted them to be beautiful for a little bit longer. The next day was Wednesday and it was once again time for Diane and I to go clean the dentist office. We do take alot of breaks while cleaning, but today Luann decided to stop by and we probably did more visiting than cleaning----Oh well, we did get it done, just took longer. When we were done, i took Diane home and decided I would go check up on the flowers. I was once again listening to the song "Far Side Banks of Jordon". I know this is my song for when I meet Taylor on the shores of Heaven. If you have not listened to it---it is a song with a powerful message. As I was driving up that long lane to the cemetery, all that kept running through my mind was "this is not right, it is just not right---he should not be back here---he is the only 20 year old boy in this whole place." As I get to the opening, I just say a little "arrow prayer, please let those flowers be fine, and Lord just please let the sun shine even alittle bit. It had been cloudy ever since I left and now it looked like it could start to rain any minute. As I turn the corner to go up to Taylor, I see the beautiful white rose still standing perfectly and blowing in the wind. I get out of the car and walk over to Tay and just stand there looking at those roses, when I realize they have all opened up and they were what God created them to be --gorgeous----one would never have imagined they spent a night out in the rain. God protected them---as little as it may seem, God answered that prayer. As I am standing there, I can feel this overwhelming sense of sadness and loneliness welling up inside of my heart. It is almost what one could call unbearable. As i stand there looking at his picture (Amber put up a cross with some flowers and a picture of Taylor at the beach holding little Max)I feel my heart starting to break into a million pieces again. At this point, I realize that the sun has come out and is shining right on Taylor's face in that picture---yes, it is also shining on the flowers, but I don't even notice that because my focus is on Tay's face . I take to sobbing so hard that I can hardly stand up. I know God is right there with me, He showed me with the the beauty of the flowers and His presence with the sun shining. It was like God was saying, I love you, and yes I know this is terrible, but I will help you through this, just hang on. I felt all this, but I just keep thinking, or at this point I think I am saying it out loud. I want you home, Tay, I want you at our dinner table with the rest of us, I want you in bed at night, I want you to be able to go on vacation with us again, I want to just hold you in my arms. By this time I am sobbing so hard, I can't even see his picture anymore. I realize that this is not helping me at all and I need to bring God into this conversation---so I just pray--"Please God, Please help me, Please just help me to understand this even just a little bit---Please help me through this terrible journey." I did not hear or see anyone coming up that long lane to the cemetery. i did not see them drive in, nor did I see anyone come around that curve over by Taylor. I just heard alittle beep and looked up to see April and Diane in the car. I thought God is so faithful---He brought help just when He knew I could take no more. They get out of the car and walk over to me and we just stand there in complete silence looking at Taylor's grave. When I can not take the terrible ache in my heart anymore, I start sobbing again and say "I am missing him so much today, I just want to see and hold him again" and then i fall sobbing into Diane's arms. We stand there with the wind blowing around us not saying a word. No words are needed. I finally get myself under control enough to stand on my own two feet. We all just stand there in complete silence---there were no words to say, just their presence was a comfort. Finally, April said it all. She said there is nothing to say, this is just all so terrible. I said, "as terrible as this all is, I know this is suppose to be." I just knew in my heart that God's plan is always perfect. As we were getting back into our cars to leave, I realized I just had a major meltdown and I did not even feel it coming, well not to that extent. I was having a fairly good day, well at least it was a decent day. I went to back to thinking how grief is so much like a wave on the ocean. I had to think, today not only did I get flattened, I almost drowned out there in the sea of grief. But God will not let me drown, He will always grab me and help me back to shore, today it was with Diane and April coming out. I drive home very slowly because I am sure I look like I just got ran over by a truck and i also knew they would probably be home from school and work. No need to work, they were busy with their own stuff and barely notice me---for that I am rather thankful, because I was still trying to recover. I go down and check my e-mail---and there is God once again. I end up crying a little more, but not this time because of loneliness but because God is right there holding me up through encouraging people who send me comments or e-mails that touch my heart. I pull myself together because we have a night out planned to celebrate Gale's birthday. We get ready and meet Max's, Larry's and Craig's for dinner and have a very nice time. So, yes, I cry some each and every day---my heart aches for Tay all the time, but I do have moments of joy also. Then when we get home, I check my e-mail one last time-----(yes, I like e-mails so i check it often or maybe i like to see what God may have for me in the way of encouragement)---anyway God touches my heart one more time in this day. Thanks-Gwen---that song fits me perfectly. I hope and pray that whoever reads this will see God's Faithfulness, His Mercies. His Amazing Grace and hopefully His healing Hand in my heart, well perhaps you didn't see much of that today, but some day. I also see God's power through your comments and e-mails----they come at exactly the most perfect time----That is our Amazing God.

Saying Good Bye For Now!

2009-10-27T12:35:00.003-04:00

we went to our grieve sharing class last night. I think it is helping us at least to some degree. Next week it is going to be on losing a child. There is so much pain in that room, at times it is almost breath taking. God does seem to be a part of most of their lives, which is what is getting us from one step to the next.

This is going to be another one that is hard to write, but hopefully it will also be a little bit of healing in the process. I got up on that Thursday morning---the day of my son's funeral---I can hardly even say it let alone live it. I look in the mirror and say how can I really be living this nightmare--my 20 year old son is going to be buried today---but then God will whisper in my ear, yes, I know you are mourning, but remember he is with Me. That does help, but my heart is breaking into so many piece one can't begin to count them. I realize I am losing weight rather rapidly and am getting weak. Everybody is telling me you have to eat, but tell me how do you eat when you feel like anything you try to swallow will only end up on your shoes couple of seconds later. We some how all manage to get dressed and get in the car to leave for the church. When we get there, Gillman has us pull our car right up behind his-----there are times you just don't want to be first in line and this is definitely one of those times. We get out and walk very slowly into the church. Once again, I just wish with all my heart this funeral would not have had to be in Smithville church---it all just leaves such terrible memories, I hate to say it, but I can not stand to walk into that church. All I can see is Taylor's casket against that window and the top of his head. I just want to take to crying every time I walk into that church. It all comes back like it was all just happening again. Anyway back to that day---we open the doors to go in, and yes, the first thing I see is his casket and the top of his head. We get to a few people, but mostly just go up to the casket before the people start to come, because we know we have very little time left to see him my ourselves. Brooke and I walk up to talk to Taylor. She is talking to him---a little story between those two. Brooke would always buy sour patch kids candy. Taylor also loved them, but never bought any, just ate Brooke's when she was not home. He loved the lemon ones. Just a couple of weeks before, she must have caught him "stealing" her candy--which was up in her room. She told him, just ask, and I will give you some, don't go into my room and just take them. Of course, Taylor had that little smirk on his face and said OK, but we all knew---it was going in one ear and going out the other---he just thought that was not important and Brooke should not get that uptight about her little candies. So, now Brooke and I are up by his casket and she is talking to him, touching his face, hair, and his arms. She is talking about that candy episode and pretty soon, she brings out a little lemon sour patch kid candy and puts it into his hands and says, it is ok Taylor, I am sorry for yelling at you, you can have this candy. I love you. Well, that is too much for me, and I take to sobbing even before any people start through the line for the last time. There are already a bunch of kids sitting in the church, they come out and start to go through the line. My heart is breaking for them as well as for myself. Those kids had tears running down their cheeks. I hear the songs starting to be sung, so I knew our time was growing short before that dreaded moment of closing the casket. I had told the kids and Jeff at home do not look when they are closing the casket---that will be too much to watch and a memory that will be forever in graved in your mind. Brooke is constantly looking at the clock and realizing she had little time left. Now, my family is starting to go through. I remember Ron coming through. When he got to me, we just sobbed in each others arms and he told me later that I said to him- use this tragedy to reach the friends (I do not even remember saying this. At this point I could not have made a coherent sentence if I tried---it had to be the Holy Spirit speaking), but he said as soon as I said that- it was like the Holy Spirit said I will help you, and it will be powerful, then a great peace came over Ron. Now, it was time for our family to go up for the last time. You can't even imagine the horror of that moment, all i can say is God was carrying every one of us, even though Brooke did almost end up on the floor. We go up to the casket, we all talk to him, and was saying our final good bye. I kiss him on the cheek and am sobbing so hard I am just leaning over the casket, but do find the strength to stand up to fall into Diane's arms who is standing right behind me. We just stand there holding each other up, while Brooke, Spencer and Jeff are giving the final kiss good bye. I do finally get a little bit under control. I start to walk over to get to my dad, who is in a wheelchair. When he sees me coming, he takes to sobbing real loud and saying OH DEBBIE, which is where I lose it again and just hang onto him. While this is going on Brooke gets her turn with Taylor, she is again talking to him and sees that the candy has slipped from his hand and so she fixes it and then takes to sobbing so hard, she has her head on his chest. She thought she would take one last whiff of his Cologne that was on his shirt, but instead she got a whiff of death. She stood up and turns around, but that is just too much for her when she realizes they are closing the lid, she takes to wailing and she starts to go down. Max grabs her and Diane goes to help him hold her up. Gillman gives Jeff some smelling salt and Jeff puts it under her nose, by this time they have her laying on a bench. The smelling salt brings her right back, in fact , she says in a rather loud voice, Just what was that. Spencer by this time is over by me, He told me later he almost went down too, but quickly got over by a bench. Jeff is so busy helping all the kids, that they are cranking Taylor's head down, when Jeff said Hey, I have not said my good bye yet. So, they cranked Taylor back up. I knew now was the time to look anywhere but at Taylor, cause I could not bare to see that lid close down on my son. I grabbed Spencer and hung onto him and said don't look. As I was looking anywhere but at Taylor, I thought why are there so many people standing around. There were people every where. I guess the church must have been full. Now, the ministers were ready to go in. Ron had just seen all this emotion, as I am sure it would had been hard to watch even if you did not know the people, but we were his family, so it was very emotional for him. He told Andy just as they were ready to walk in I think I might be in over my head. He said as he was walking in, he had a whole pocket of tissue and a hanky and didn't know if he would be able to say a word, but he said as soon as he stood up a real peace of God went around him and he knew he was going to fine. Oh, in the mist of all this emotion, Brooke found Randy and gave him the tribute she wrote for Taylor. Randy had already said he would do it, but just needed a nice printed out copy. Andy had an idea we were going to do it, but not for sure---so Ron thought better make sure Andy knows before they walk in, so he tells Andy. Andy said I don't think we should do that---Randy said, I feel we should and they look at Ron and Ron said-- what God gave him to say----with God's Grace we should read it. I truly believe that was what God wanted done, because Brooke would have been devastated if it was not read---it was some sort of closure for her and the rest of us. We hear the song Precious Memories and knew that was the song we were to walk in on---Brooke got up off the bench, we started to line up. i did not know if I was strong enough to even walk up the aisle, my knees felt pretty weak, in fact I just felt weak all over,so I got in the middle of Spencer and Jeff and put my arms around each of the, and them me. We hung on to each other tightly. We are right behind the casket. I think I can not stand this, i don't think I am going to make it----God once again is going to have to carry me. I just closed my eyes and walked all the way up there with my eyes closed. I didn't want that memory burnt into my mind. Behind us Max and Diane got a good hold of Brooke so she would not collapsed to the floor. All the way up the aisle she just kept saying over and over it is just a shell, Taylor is not there anymore. It was getting louder and louder the farther up the aisle we got. I was hoping the song did not stop until get got seated. We knew what ever songs they sung, no matter how pretty they might be, we will never be able to listen to those again, but God took care of that. i can't remember hearing one song and Diane said when she walked in she was trying to listen to see what they were singing and God put it in another language to her ears, she said I could not understand one word----one never knows how God is going to work. Anyway we finally get up to the front. We are sitting very close together and hanging on to each other. We are mostly under control now, maybe just softly sobbing at times. Andy gets up to read the obituary, then Ron stood up and his voice cracked once, but God gave him the words to say and a real peace in his heart and a peace around him. The church was packed and lot of them kids, I pray that every soul that does not have Jesus, will never forget this service and God will convict them night and day. Ron does bring out in his service something I forgot to say earlier, Jeff wanted to put Taylor's bible in his casket with him, but before he took it to Gillman's, Jeff opened Taylor's bible and the string was on 2 Tim Chapter 1 whether Taylor had it there or God put it there we will never know, but Jeff's eyes fell on verse 4 which says-- Greatly desiring to see Thee, being mindful of thy tears, that I may be filled with joy. It was like Taylor was saying--He had a great desire to see Jesus, but knew it was going to break our hearts, but he was filled with great joy in going home---maybe it was God telling us this--which ever way it was, it turned into a great comfort for us. I believe God was very much present in that service and comforting us, but also convicting souls not yet ready to be where Taylor was---eternity. Randy got up and finished up with more encouraging words then he read Brooke's tribute. Randy did a wonderful job, even though he did not really know Taylor. He read it just like Taylor would have played it out. Now it is time to walk out. The service went over 15 minutes, but I did not even notice, somebody else told me that. Anyway, when the ministers were walking off the pulpit, Randy tells the choir to sing Amazing Grace--this is not the song we were suppose to walk out on, but once again, God changed our plans for His purpose. What better song for us to walk out on that Amazing Grace, that was exactly how Taylor was saved---Jesus shed Blood and His Amazing Grace, It was like God was saying I love Taylor and I saved him by my Grace and every one of you can have this-God picked the song for Taylor to be wheeled out on, not any of us---No Taylor was not the Christian I would have liked for him to have been--I would have liked to have seen him on fire for Jesus , but he had a child like faith and God showed us very clearly that was enough for Taylor to be saved and spend eternity with Jesus----Praise His High and Holy Name!! We walk out slowly to the car and am amazed how many people are there. We are sitting right behind Gillman's and watched all the people coming out----it was a testimony of how many people's lives Taylor did touch. Oh, Taylor we loved you with all our hearts and will miss you terribly every single day, but it looks like your friends loved you and will miss you too. When we left the church for the cemetery, I could not believe all the cars, there were cars in the front yard of the church, I have never seen that before----I certainly hope that the hearts that Taylor did touch, will never forget him and one day we can all be reunited in Heaven. I will finish the rest of this funeral day next time. I do know that the day we buried Taylor, they buried a part of my heart with him. No, our lives will never be the same again, but hopefully with God's Grace we can glorify His name in this terrible tragedy and grow closer to the One that does hold the very breath of our lives in His hand.

Sunday

2009-10-25T22:45:00.002-04:00

Today was a beautiful fall day. We went to Rittman to church to help April give lunch---can you imagine telling people you made lunch for six hundred people---impressive. For me, going to Rittman is easier than going to Smithville----Smithville has terrible memories for me---hopefully they will fade in time. Going to Rittman is very hard for Jeff. Taylor usually went to Rittman to be with his friends, so Jeff sees all these kids and Taylor is not there, so it makes it very hard for him. So, just where do we go???
I thought this was sort of interesting. One of my favorite verses that I have memorized is Isa. 40:31 and it says. Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not get weary. They will walk and not be faint. I always sorta wondered what did it mean to soar on wings like eagles---I thought it sounded rather freeing---the wind blowing in my hair, flying high in the sky. The other night I was reading something about eagles and it gave this verse an interesting meaning. They said eagles can sense a storm before it arrives, so they fly to a high spot and wait for the inevitable winds to hit. When the winds come, the eagle will set its wings so that the wind will pick them up and lift them above the storm. Then while the storm is raging below, the eagle is soaring about it. The eagle does not escape the storm but simply rises on the winds to be lifted higher. So, God does allow storms, and this time it was a hurricane---But with His Grace I can soar on wings like eagles---I will not escape the pain, the loss, the grieving, but He will give me the strength each and every day to rise above the depths of depression, anger, and the terrible loneliness, but I need to hang onto those wings.
It really touched my heart that a couple of Taylor's really good friends went out to the cemetery on this very beautiful afternoon to visit with him. No, Taylor could not say a word, but they wanted to be close to him and talk about some of those great memories that nobody can take away from them. They are grieving just like we are. They miss that kid probably almost as much as we do. They probably seen more of him than we did in the last year or so. Yes, it is a different kind of loss---they lost a best friend, we lost a son, but a loss is a loss and we are all in pain and grieving. I know many people are still praying for us, and I am very thankful for that, but could you please say a little prayer for his close friends too---Thanks.

comments

2009-10-23T23:21:00.002-04:00

Some have told me they have tried to make comments, but they can't get it to post. I know it is alittle tricky. One would think all you needed to do was hit the post. Brooke showed me what you need to do, if you want to comment. You go to google, then go to the right side and create an account---just use your e-mail address if you want, then go to the blog and go to the upper right hand corner and sign in. Then write your comment and hit the drop down arrow and hit google and it should send.
Comments are good----they are encouragements to me----even to say, you are still praying for us---in fact that is the very best thing you can do for us----Thank you for praying!!

Viewing Day (part 2)

2009-10-23T21:29:00.002-04:00

Today is Friday and usually Friday's are bad days, and especially when it is raining--but today God brought a little sun shine into my life. Gloria called and wanted to know if I wanted to come over for tea with her and Stan. It did not take me long to say yes. I enjoyed it so much, I almost stayed until dinner, in fact Gloria sent dinner home with me----now how great is that. It is so great how God will provide encouragement just when He knows I need it----He does not always wait until I am hanging on by a thread, but sometimes He just gives me a gift of encouragement because He is God and God is love. Thanks Gloria, dinner was a hit.

Back to the viewing day. We got back to the fellowship hall about 5:45 and there was already a long line. Gillman rushes us into the back door and tells us we better start seeing people right away. As we were walking back up to our stools, I see Ron and Carol. I was so happy to see them, I run over and give them a big hug. We go back up to our spots and people start through again. Again, I can't remember much, it all sorta became a blur except I do remember some moments. I remember when Taylor's friends came through. It tore at my heart to see these big guys with tears running down their cheeks. They never said much to me, just hugged me and cried. I remembered the kid that Taylor had the accident with, he said he was so sorry, and he looked so sad, with tears running down his cheeks. We kept trying to tell him, it is not your fault, it was an accident. This boy had called the house the day before and asked if it would be ok, if he came to Taylor's viewing. We told him, we did not blame him at all and it would be fine. A few days later, later we get a note from this boy's mom thanking us for being so nice to her son and she said, he turned 21 on the day of Taylor's funeral. She said he became a man real quick. I remember looking out the window and seeing the line clear down to the field. Someone that went through the line said they waited between 2 1/2 and 3 hours. That was unbelievable---I don't think I waited that long in line for anything. That was very humbling, to think that people would wait that long to meet us. I guess when Gillman seen that long line he thought he was never going to get to bed that night---poor Diane, she is still on the end of the line, now Gillman is pointing at this watch again, but instead of saying the old people were not going to make it in the hot sun, he now is saying the people were getting eaten up by mosquitoes---so if Diane was not talking much and acting like she was in a hurry to move people a long, it was Gillman, not Diane. Mom must have thought I was looking rather haggard, and tired because she comes up behind me and says maybe you should sit down awhile. i have never hugged so many people in all my life and cried so many tears on people's shoulders. I am sure I left my mark on some of their shoulder's (tear stains). Gillman told us he thought between 1500 and 1600 people went through the line. I was totally shocked how many lives Taylor touched, I hope he left a mark in each of their hearts. I hope they seen God in his life. Something I will always remember is when Spencer's soccer team went through the line, it was very good for Spencer to see all his friends and to give them a hug---but what will always stick out in my mind is when they were all through the line, I turned around and they were sorta behind us and they were in a circle with the coach praying with all of them.Now that is what we need for our kids--coaches that care about their kids and praying with them. God had to be smiling down on that. Spencer went over and joined in with them. I seen Taylor's girlfriend, well they use to be a "couple", but the last several months they had decided to be just friends---well that was more her decision than Taylor's. Anyway, they still talked alot and always were texing each other and would be together in groups. She was coming through with her parents, which Taylor always told me that they(her parents) loved him as a son, but he sure wished "D" would love him too. I was watching them, when "D" got up to Taylor, she leaned over and kissed him between lots of tears. By the time her dad got to me, he was crying and he told me--Taylor was the son, I never had---I could not help but hug this strange man, I never seen before in my life, but my heart was breaking, but so was his---we were connected by this terrible tragedy. I think it was almost 11 until the last person went through the line---I was exhausted but didn't really want to leave, because I knew my time with Taylor was growing short, just one more day, or actually it was measured in hours now. Brooke's boyfriend's mom and her son came from Michigan and she did not get to the fellowshiphall until 11, but by this time, Gillman had enough of people and wanted to go home---he said, we need to go. I thought, we could have alittle time with Taylor, because the next day is our finale good-bye, but as we were getting ready to all go up to the casket---we were just looking at the flowers at first. When we turned around, Gillman was wheeling Taylor out the back door of the fellowship hall---so no closure that night, no time to say good-bye. I wanted to spend some time with Taylor, but didn't get the chance, so on the way home, I was aggravated with Gillman (probably the stress of the evening did not help), but I kept saying we will not take our business back to Gillman's. When we got home and walked into the house, Spencer said in a little quiet voice--I just hope that we don't have any business to give to Gillman anytime soon---we did all have to smile at that comment. Jeff got the mail in and we got probably another 50 cards. It was 11:20 by now, so Jeff did not look at the cards that night. I was so drained, I just hobbled up to bed and knelt beside my bed and thanked God once again for his Grace of getting me through a terrible terrible day and please Carry me through the next day. Ron, Carol and Mandy stayed at Diane's place. Diane gave Ron and Carol their bedroom. She was going to put a night light in the hall so if anyone had to get up during the night they could find the bathroom, but through all the stress and mourning she forgot to put the night light in. About 3:00a.m., Diane wakes up to a big thud and a scream from Carol. Diane knew instantly that Carol had fallen down the stairs. Diane's heart was pounding so hard and she told Max get up and see how Carol was, but it took Max too long, so Diane ran out into the hall way to look. She said she was scared to death that Carol had fallen all the way down the stairs and had broken her neck at the bottom. Yes, Carol fell head first all the way down Diane's stairs. What happened is Carol went to the bathroom, and was coming back to their bedroom in the dark. She thought the bedroom was the first opening, but it was the second and she stepped out into thin air and her face and hands hit the stairs. Mandy said she never came out of her room, until she heard her mom's voice and knew she was ok. Carol was hurt, but not terribly. She had rug burns all over her face and ended up having a hair line fracture in each wrist. She could not make the funeral the next day. When I was talking to Ron several weeks later, he said Carol was doing much better, but he did say that while he was up here in Ohio, one of the ministers in Florida was attending a funeral for a lady that did the exact same thing, except she broke her neck. There it is again, when God is calling you home, you are going to go---we can not add one day to our lives. Carol still has work to do here on Earth, so God protected her from serious injury, but Taylor's work was done. God has a plan for each of our lives, if only we could life as if each day could be our last----how different would I live that day----I try to send some time thinking on this---it sure changes my priorities.