Back from Illinois

Yesterday was a hard day. We had gotten back from seeing mom and dad and I was here in the house most of the day by myself. Brooke and Spencer had put up the Christmas tree while I was gone and that was mostly OK. We had talked about what should we do with the stockings---put them all up---just put up Brooke and Spencer's---or not put any of them up. We really had not decided for sure, but Brooke wanted to put them all up and to make it alittle bit different she got one for her boyfriend (BJ), which is planning on being here for Christmas. So, when I walked into the house, and went into the livingroom where the tree was, there were all the stockings. Yes, it was like a hard kick in the stomach, which I could have almost leaned over with pain, but thought, she wants Taylor to be a part of this Christmas just like every other Christmas, so I left it there. We are now trying to decide how we should honor Taylor at Christmas, somebody told me put a picture of the one that died out with a candle burning beside it all day. Brooke said maybe we could all write a couple of memories and put them in his stocking and if it is too hard to read them this year, which I am pretty sure it will be, but let them there and read them next year and every year put more memories in his stocking and them each year read some. I don't know, it all just sounds so painful, but know we should do something---if anybody has any ideas, I would appreciate your comments.
Diane and I got to mom and dad's on Sunday afternoon about 5:00. I did not know how I was going to feel walking into their house, I was praying that a flood of terrible memories would not over take me and I would end up sobbing. Mom said later too, that she was worried not knowing how it was all going to hit Diane and I. It was all the prayers, it was not as bad as I thought it very likely could be. I was very aware of the emotions that were there below the surface, but for the most part they stayed there and did not bubble out. Every so often, as I would walk through the dining area where I got the phone call that night, I would just have to stop and go through that terrible evening again step by step. We did talk about it, and told mom just how it all happened, because they were in bed and did not know any of it until the next morning. Tuesday was the only bad day, where I just felt sad and knew if we talked too much about Taylor or the accident, I would be in tears, but the rest of the days we were busy and it was good. Mom and dad were both in good health and we got to take them out for rides, dinner, and shopping. We were very thankful for all of this.
Back to my day yesterday, I sometimes wonder if I should start to put some of Taylor's things away. It just seemed every where I looked, I would see Taylor, by afternoon I was in tears too many reminders and memories. His riding boots, work boots are both right outside the door in the garage, we walk by them every time we come into the house----always a reminder he is not here and not going to be wearing those boots. Nobody wants me to touch a thing, but am thinking that is perhaps not a good idea. I was reading a grief devotional book the other day and they said something that I just had to think on. They said grieving is like a rollercoaster ride. As I thought about this, I realized that was so true. I thought what it would be like to get on the biggest rollercoaster ever. I would be standing in line for a long time as I wait talking and laughing with the family and friends around me. It may be hot and crowded, but mostly enjoyable----that would be life before the accident----some troubles, but mostly joyful. Now as I get into my seat and they snap down the bar (Jesus is the bar), but my hands are still moving around getting my stuff secured--not touching the bar much, I feel pretty secure, safe, but my hands are not hanging on to Him, but we have not started to move yet----that was my relationship before Taylor's accident--secure and feeling safe in Jesus but not hanging on real tight. Now the rollercoaster is starting to move, but slowly and clicking straight up the track, can't really see anything but the pretty blue sky, really not too scared yet, maybe a little anxious now and then, by this time my hands may be starting to hang onto the bar a little more----little more valley's have come into my life, starting to get closer to Jesus---now I get to the top and after we top that huge mountain, I come down with amazing speed, in fact, so fast that I need to close my eyes, or my contacts will fly right out---I have forgotten about any of my belongings flying away, the only thing I am concentrating on is hanging onto the bar (Jesus) with both hands so tight my knuckles are turning white. I can't see a single thing, if I do mange to open my eyes, everything is a blur and I can't focus on anything------that was the horror of that phone call, in fact that whole week of his viewing, funeral. I finally hit the bottom of that valley, now the rollercoaster does come up alittle bit, but only for a split second then it is dipping down and by now it is flying every direction except straight. My body is flying from one side of the seat to the other, my head is banging against the seat. I realize if I can see anything at all, it is only for a couple of seconds at a time, but not the next curve, only the sky---the only thing I can do is hang onto the bar (Jesus) with both hands, it makes me feel safe and secure even though myself and every thing else is flying upside down part of the time. I know anything that is not secure is gone, it has long flew out-----even though, I know my life now without Taylor is never going to be the same, and I have lost so much, the only thing I can hang onto is Jesus. Finally, the rollercoaster rolls to a stop, I am never so glad to get off that ride, but feel so beaten up, I am wondering if I can walk, I am dizzy and can barely stand up, but I just want off badly, the kind person beside me holds me up (Diane does this more than once). I hobble over to a bench with help of Diane and I sit there for awhile and finally, I realize I am feeling more like myself, I can smile and laugh again, I even notice the sky is a very pretty blue-----grieving is alot like this---I can feel very beaten up---wondering if I will ever make it through, will I ever be able to laugh and smile again and not have this terrible ache in my heart every minute of every day. God has given me many verses that promise me this very thing---one day I will be able to smile and laugh again--like verse Jer. 31:13 " I (God)will turn my mourning into gladness; I(God) will give me comfort and joy instead of sorrow;. I just pray that I will never have to get back on that rollercoaster again (I know I am way too old to be riding one anyway :), but I do pray God does not put me on one like that again.
I know this month with the Holidays is going to be really really tough. I am sure no matter how we end up honoring Taylor there will be tears. There will be an empty chair when we celebrate Christmas dinner, opening gifts, and going to family gatherings, but God will be right here beside us whispering in our ears, Taylor is celebrating Christmas with me, and I will help you through this terrible grieving time.
I have gone to this song more than once "I must tell Jesus" It is so comforting as it goes "I must tell Jesus all of my trials. I cannot bear those burdens alone. In my distress, He kindly will help me. He ever loves and cares for His own. I must tell Jesus all of my troubles. He is a kind compassionate friend." He is the friend I want with me always----He is never too busy, or too tired to help me. Just like yesterday when my day was dissolving into tears, i just kept praying please Jesus help me out of this deep valley today. When I got the mail, there was a letter from somebody i barely know, but they had the most encouraging words. The words were encouraging, but I also seen the hand of God delivering this letter at just the right time. Praise to God, He is always faithful. Even though this has been a terrible 3 1/2 months, my praise and love for Jesus has grown each day.
I know you are all praying for us and I will be forever thankful, please continue to pray for us through this holiday season. Thanks

God,, King of Kings

Today is Saturday, and a beautiful day it was. I love to go for a walk over at Johnson woods, and today was a perfect day to do that. God will sometimes talk to me there
or just give me an exteme peace. Diane and I are planning on going back to Forrest tomorrow for several days to see Mom and dad. How do I feel about that----well, I have very mixed feelings. I love spending time with them, and know time is probably growing short for those visits. But on the other hand, it was in their dining room where I got that fateful call that Saturday night about Taylor. Just even getting out my suitcase this afternoon to pack, a little shake went through my body, such powerful memories are attached to that room. I am not sure how I will feel walking into their house, I hope God will give me the Grace to not feel those feelings of intense shock and pain like I had that night and when we left. God has promised to give Grace where Grace is needed and I will be praying for His Grace tomorrow---and I know who ever sees this will also being praying for us. Again, you wonder if God lets the ones in Heaven look down to see their family on earth every now and then. I have thought alot over the past three months, if I could only just hug Taylor and talk with him one more time. The other night, I had a dream that I turned around and there stood Taylor----He looked so cute, with that famous smile on his face. Anyway, he walked over to me and gave me a big hug, and said "have a good time in Illinois", then I woke up.. I just layed there and thought, God why did you do that, I am not ready for that, but then I started to remember how it felt to hug him and for him to put his arms around me. It was very bittersweet. I knew I would not sleep anymore that night, I just kept seeing his smiling face and felt his body in my arms. I really do not know if I was ready for that or not, because it made me very sad, I just wanted to go back to sleep and dream it all over again. Maybe Taylor knows we are going back out to mom and dad's and this is going to be very hard for me, and he just wanted me to have a good time and not be sad ( well easier said than done), but maybe I can just remember his words and his smiling face and his big hug, or maybe it is just too sad to think about it. As you can see, I want dreams about Taylor, but they are so painful, that maybe I am better off not having them..
Today had moments of sadness. I decided since it was almost December, it was time to change summer clothes to winter clothes. I keep alot of the off season clothes in a cedar chest----As I was digging down inside to pull the clothes out, I got a handful of Taylor's clothes. I just held them in my hands and looked at them with teary eyes (no, this time I did not smell them, instead of smelling him, I just would have gotten a huge whiff of cedar). My heart just ached, it just made me want to go look at his picture---it is almost like my mind has to make sure I have not forgotten one little detail of his face. I did decide to put his pants into a bag for Goodwill, that was a step for me, but I kept everything else for now. I know this is crazy, but giving stuff away, almost seems like I am giving part of Taylor away, and that is the last thing I want to do.

God did give me Grace to get through Thanksgiving Day. The day before Thanksgiving I spent either in tears or on the verge of tears most of the day. I just felt so sad and my heart just ached to see and be with Taylor. I kept thinking how will I ever get through Thanksgiving. I did not want to be crying all day, I wanted the kids to remember the first Thanksgiving after Taylor's death as being maybe sad, but not disastrous. I prayed really hard that morning that God would give me the strength and Grace to get through the day, and actually the day could have maybe even a little bit of joy in it. But when I first got up, I felt pretty sad, and again pretty teary, i did not go to church, because I just did not think I could hold up very well, probably just be a puddle of tears. I decided to stay home and do my bible study of Beth Moore, then I went up to get dresses and while I am getting ready, it was like God said, I just want you to do down and just open the Bible up and read where I open it. So, I did just that, I opened up to Isaiah 55:8 which says" For my thoughts are not your thoughts neither are your ways my ways. Verse 9 As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" Ok, so I thought, God said about His thoughts being higher than mine twice, so He was once again telling me Just know, My plan is perfect, I know you are sad today, and want Taylor with you, but trust Me. Then verse 11 says "so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." God used Taylor's death to touch many people's hearts. It was so sudden and he was so young, God got people's attention. Mom was telling me that a friend of hers for many many years, in fact us kids grew up with her kids started to repent a couple of weeks ago. She is probably 75 or so and had went to church all her life, but never could quite surrender her heart to Jesus. Her husband even repented a year or so ago, and she still didn't. Satan had won the battle with her, by having her keep thinking she had time and tomorrow would be soon enough. Well, somebody gave her Taylor's funeral tape to listen to and when they went back to see if she listened to it yet. This friend said, yes, she listened to it twice and said "if you are going to repent now is the time" and she gave her heart to Jesus and now is on the winning side forever. Praise to Jesus, our King of Kings, Lord of Lords----His mercy is shown here--- she lived 75 years rejecting Him. so like the verse says, it will not return empty, it will accomplish what I desire. Then the verse 12 says" you will go out in joy and be led forth in peace, the mountains and hills will burst into song before you and all the trees of the field will clap their hands." God will get me through this journey and bring joy again, I am not sure what the trees of the fields clapping their hands will look like :), but I will take it, it has to be better then where we are now. So, after God showing me all this, I was in a much better mood and the day went better than I thought it might. We went to Diane's then for Thanksgiving. We had some sad moments, but we did not dwell there. We talked about Taylor, in fact we did go to the cemetery for a little bit and also out to the site. I just have to keep my sights on Jesus and not look off to the right or the left. I had to think, if God would have asked Taylor would you give your life that your friends and others will finally see their sin and decided to surrender it all to Me so they can life in Heaven with Me and you forever, would you do it. I can see Taylor get that sheepish grin on his face and say "weeeellllll, I guess so.
I wish I could say that I can keep focused on Jesus and what He is constantly telling me---Trust Me, I know what I am doing, My plan is perfect, you will see one day---but I can't, I am human, and the pain of losing Taylor is with me every day, but with God's help, I pray it will not over take me. Please pray for us tomorrow and the next several days while we are out in Illinois. I know it is probably going to be some rough waters to get through, but God will not let us drown. He has promised us that. Praise be to the name of God forever and ever, wisdom and power are His.

Thanksgiving Morning

Today is Thanksgiving. How do I feel? There is a definite sadness, but I have a choice in what i think about today. I know there are probably going to be tears, and maybe a lot of tears, but I choose to be thankful for the people God put in my life. I got some nice e-mails from people that said they were thinking and praying for us over this Thanksgiving holiday. Thank you, I will need them.
Yesterday one of Taylor's close friends stopped by. It was so nice to see her, but it was bittersweet. We talked about memories of Taylor, which made us laugh and cry. We talked about last Thanksgiving and how Taylor was a part of that. We looked at some pictures of Taylor. We seen one of Taylor sitting on Diane's couch last year. It is just so hard to believe that he will not be here this year.
I thought it might be a good thing to actually name some of the things I am thankful for. It is Thanksgiving of 2009. Our lives are changed forever and more often than not, I find myself looking at all that I have lost, instead of counting the blessings I do have. We go to Diane's every year for Thanksgiving, it is my favorite holiday. No hassle of gift giving, just alot of family time and alot of good food. It has became a joke with Diane, every year she will say after we eat our big dinner, she will say OK, lets go around the room and each say what we are thankful for. We use to do it, but we found out we were saying almost the same thing every year. Diane told me today as we were cleaning our dentist office, she would not ask that question this year. I said, i actually wrote some of what I was thankful for, but said, i am sure I will not be able to read it, so thought I would just print out a copy for each. As I sat down and thought about what I was thankful for, I realized it would be so easy to get lost in the tragedy of losing Taylor. But I remembered how faithful God has been, how He has picked me up many, many times and just held me in his arms and carried me. He showed me great mercy---He had mercy on me and answered my prayers of Taylor's salvation within four hours of asking, He has answered many of my prayers within hours of asking. He is always very near, just like that verse says. "I am close to the brokenhearted." He has shown me in many ways His Amazing Grace. He showed me very clearly that is how Taylor was saved---His blood, and His Amazing Grace, in fact God had Taylor wheeled out of the Church on---Amazing Grace.
God knew before this ever happened that I needed to be in this family. He had me in the perfect family for what I was and am going through for comfort and support. He knew that each one of them would be needed in a different and special way and each of them has stepped up to what God has called them to do. I thank each and every one of them from the bottom of my heart.
Jeff---You took charge of what had to be done in a very difficult time. You made decisions that I could not possibly have made. I was pretty much in the state of shock and when my mind would let me comprehend what had happened, I was incapable of making any kind of decisions. . You took charge and call the life insurance company and his financial people and explained what had happened and started the process of closing every thing out. I could not even say the words that Taylor was killed, let alone, try to explain to these strange people the story of his accident.
Brooke---You were my stronghold when I was losing it at times. You would help me to refocus. The time that comes to mind most often is when I kept saying over and over how much and how hard I prayed for Taylor that the angels would protect him. I had safely put him in Jesus's hands and be then at peace that he would be fine. When Jesus took Taylor, it shook me to the core of my being---you helped me to see a different picture, one I never thought about. You told me Jesus did answer your prayer, just not like you ever thought He would. He did protect Taylor---God heard every one of your prayers, He just decided to take him home that Saturday night. He had one of those angels go and get Taylor and take him to the arms of Jesus.
Spencer--You also have been strong when I was falling down. I remember that fateful night it happened at grandma's. I remember grabbing you and saying Spenc, how will we ever get through this terrible nightmare and you very calmly said, God will get us through one day at a time, Mom. When I am down and feeling really sad, you will remind me that Taylor is having the time of his life, he is not spending one day being sad, and he would hate to see us all sad and crying. You know, mom, taylor hated to see anyone sad. He would hate to see you crying.
Max--You were the rock when we were all crumbling like pebbles around you. You held us up both physically and spiritually many times. I remember that horrible Monday when we had to go into Gillman's. After we seen Taylor for the first time, I was barely hanging on to reality by a thread, I was very close to losing it all. You calmly sat on that chair and explained how God that morning or maybe it was the day before, showed you clearly that Taylor was in Heaven. That was a great comfort to hear one more time that God mercifully showed another person that Taylor was actually safely Home. You were never far away when Brooke needed a strong arm to hold her up. You also never hesitated a second that Saturday night to jump out of bed in the middle of the night to go be with Jeff at the hospital.
Diane--I am not sure where to start. You were with me every step of this journey. You were there that horrible night of that phone call, in fact you were the one that Jeff told Taylor is Gone and you had to tell the rest of us. How horrible is that, but you did it. All those horrible days, when I thought I can't take another step, I just can't do this, I am not going to make it, you would encourage me that God will get us through. Every horrible step I had to take, you were right there beside me taking it with me. You were never too busy or too tired to listen to me, or to talk with me. As I wanted or needed to go through every last detail time and time again, you would go right with me, never stopping me, but just a listening ear. You were always there to hold me up when i could not stand on my own, which was plenty often. It seems God always would bring you to me when I needed you most. I am sure I would not make it through this journey of grief without you at my side.
Matt---I feel such compassion and love from you. You do not have to say a word; it is all said in your eyes. Max made the comment after the viewing, he said some of the people going through that long line did not have to say a word, their compassion and love was all said in their eyes. That is what I see and feel from you, Matt----your eyes say it all.
Amber---I love getting your cards and letters. They mean so much to me, I read them over and over. I especially love the one you wrote in what Taylor might have said to each of us, if he would have had a chance. As we each read it, we all cried some, but we all said, it was exactly what Taylor would have said. You prayed that God would show you that Taylor was in Heaven with Him, and God answered your prayer very quickly too. It was a very special way, one I will never forget. You also got up in the middle of the night to go to the hospital to be with Jeff. I know that was very hard to see Taylor like that, but you did not let that stop you. You knew Jeff needed family and you went.
Mark--I remember on that Saturday night right after we got the news about Taylor, we were all in the state of shock, and did not know how we would ever get through the next minutes, let alone the next week. You reminded us all that at that moment very few people knew about Taylor and by morning hundreds of people would know and they would all be praying very hard for each of us and we would feel those prayers---and so right you were Mark. Those prayers carried us all through the hardest days of our lives. We needed you to remind us of that very important thought.
April---You were there that fateful night. That in itself has bonded us all very deeply. It was so comforting to have family with me at a moment in life when my life was falling apart and would be changed forever. You ran errands for me. you picked up my medication. I would have been in no condition to even drive, let alone know where I was going and what I was suppose to be getting. You were at my house every day during those nightmare of days, it was a comfort to have you here. Everybody changed their plans to be with us at a time we needed you.
Keith--You were a man of action. You knew what needed to be done, even though you had to be in shock too. You quickly started a plan of action in how to get us home. At this point, I barely knew where I was, I could not have begun to think about how to get home. You worked until you had a plan. Your family was so kind in letting us use their van, but then you had to figure out how to get our cars home. It was one less thing I had to worry about, you took charge and got it all worked out. You got us all safely home.
Autumn---You made it possible for God's name to be Glorified through this tragedy. You took the time and it had to take time to replay that phone message over and over to get what Craig said just right. You and Keith then took the time and effort to go and get it printed out and made many many copies. You put them in a place where people would see them and pick it up to read. God had to have a smile on his face with each person that pick one up and read it.
Taylor---This one is a hard one---there is so much I could say. First, I am so thankful that I could be your mom for 20 years. When you made a mistake you were always quick to apologize. You never wanted any one to be mad at you. You were quick to smile, and had a great sense of humor. You could always make me smile and lots of times just plain laugh. You wore that famous little smirk on your face so often that I can hardly think of you without it. No, you never cleaned up your messes, you never had time for such small things in life like that. I will miss you more than I can ever explain. I will always have an ache in my heart for you---I long to hug you again, talk with you, laugh with you, but know in a blink of an eye I will be with you again, until then I will hold your memories deep in my heart.
So am I thankful this year---yes, I have alot to be thankful for, even though God has taken a treasure of my heart, I had to think, God has never left me alone. I have never felt the presence of God in such powerful ways. He has given me many promises to hang onto, and i hang on to each one of them with both hands. I just know if i would let go, even for a minute, I would start down that slippery slope. God is my life boat back to recovery. God has given me a family that are all deeply spiritual and each and every one of them are helping me to keep my focus on what is really important while going through this journey---they help me remember God is in control, nothing happens without God knowing and approving of it. God's plan is always perfect, we just can't see the big picture right now, but someday we will understand it all. If this had to happen, I am thankful that we were all together either in Illinois or at the hospital. That has bonded us very deeply. Please continue to pray for us all of us as often as we come to your minds. I thank God for each one of my family, and I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart for being who God has called you to be. I am also thankful for each one that reads this blog and prays for us. I thank you for your comments and e-mails, they are all very encouraging. God will Bless each and every one of you. Have a Blessed Thanksgiving!!!

God's Presence

In our Beth Moore study today, she told us to memorize four verses. I can memorize one, and maybe two, but four is a stretch for me, but thought I would look them up anyway. I found they are verses that have much meaning, so I started to memorize the first verse. My day was starting out not terrible, but just felt really sad, and satan always likes to bring just a little bit of doubt in with one thing or another, and Thanksgiving getting so close didn't help any. I know there are many things I am thankful for, but there is also a very big hole in my heart that I need God to fill, and He promises that He will do that in Phil. 4:13. I had to think, praising God always brings Him closer, so I started with this first verse to memorize which is Daniel 2:20 which says "Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever, wisdom and power is His. As I said it over and over all the way to the rec. Center. I had it memorized plus i did feel God's nearness by the time I got there. The one thing that satan likes to torment me with is the thought---is Taylor really in Heaven. I know God has shown me many times that he is, but satan can win this battle with me and bring doubt back into my mind more often that i like to admit. I have read the book "90 minutes in Heaven" which is very good----and makes it so you can't wait to get there---the beauty and Peace of Heaven, but I also have read "23 minutes in Hell" The author made his point that is somewhere you do not want to be, not for one minute let alone for eternity. Those thoughts of Hell grab me by the throat and won't let go. It can put such fear in me, and again, satan has won the battler---fear is straight from him and he loves it when I am there. God will give me peace that Taylor is with him, but then satan will slowly work his way back into my mind and steal it away. I know God must get so tired of showing me the same thing over and over again, but He is a patient God and He very kindly showed me again today. I was working out at the Rec Center and listening to a sermon from Ron. He was talking about when Christ was going to the cross and Peter was by the fire saying he did not know who Christ was and the rooster crows on the third time. Ron said, it was early morning and the roosters should all have been crowing, but God had them all silent, except for the exact one at the exact place God picked out for this rooster to crow. It was all orchestrated by our Sovereign God. I wasn't even thinking about it at the time, but God brought the thought, or actually, He spoke Himself to me---He said just like that phone call I had Craig make to you about Taylor being a Christian----I had my Hand in that from the beginning, I orchestrated each event of that morning. Even after God spoke to me, I still wanted to say, but Taylor never proclaimed Your name to Me, why would he not do that, but before I could get that whole thought completely out, I quickly said a little prayer of satan get behind me, in Jesus's name. Just as i was saying Amen, my attention goes back to Ron in his sermon, and he is saying (again, God really speaking through Ron) that satan wants to sift us like flour. Jesus told Peter I am praying for you, Peter. Satan wants to sift your soul, which is just what satan wants to do with me. Satan comes in the way of fear and doubt and when we let that happen satan then has control, control of our thoughts, and emotions, and when that happens I will lose any testimony in praising God's Name, because I am lost in fear and discouragement. There are no accidents---God has a plan and that Plan is perfect. Jesus is praying for me just like He did for Peter. He prays for my faith to be strong, just like He did for Peter's faith. How can I lose when Jesus is praying for me----I know it is possible----satan is powerful, but Jesus is ALL powerful, so I am on the winning side even if I sometimes don't see it.

Another thought that Ron said which i hope will help me through Thanksgiving. He said when Christ was on the cross He was not focused on all the ones that flogged Him, or the ones that pounded the nails into His hands, His focus was on His Father and doing His Father's will and soon He would be sitting on the right hand of His Father. Point being, not to let myself focus on all the horrible things that has happened in the last three months, but to think on what all God has done for me----He has carried me more than I have walked in these last three months. He has provided much comfort through support Groups, friends, family. and He said he will one day turn my mourning into Gladness. One last thought in Luke 22:30, Jesus says "that we may eat and drink at My table in My Kingdom ", now that will be a feast.

Roommate brings Taylor's things Home on Friday

This would have been Friday August 28. Friday's were never good days for me anyway. They were just very sad days. Those were the days Taylor was home from school and I would get to talk with him about school or what ever over lunch, then he would be here for dinner, well sometimes. Yes, sometimes I would get more time with him and sometimes, his friends were much more important and fun, so he would not be here all that much on the weekends. Anyway, I had gotten up this morning just trying to survive moment by moment. Sometimes, i would be just compelled to go look at pictures of him, which even made me more depressed. Sometimes i would just take his senior picture and sit in a chair and stare at it and let all the memories flooded back into my mind. Yes, i would shed alot of tears thinking about all the good times--they were so painful, but also then I would find myself thinking about all the time I have lost with him--gone way too young. His book bag is still sitting where he left it. I still have not gotten the strength or courage to move it or even look inside of it. I did decide to boot up his computer to update all the updates, but when it booted up, the first thing I saw was a picture of him on his four wheeler getting ready to race as his back round. I just sat there and stared at it. My heart just ached---just wishing so much, I could turn back the clock and none of this ever happened. Couldn't it just be a bad nightmare and I could wake up.
About 10:30 there was a knock on my door, thinking it was somebody coming to visit---not sure I felt up to visitors, i felt more like just sitting in a chair and weeping. It turned out worse than a visitor, it was one of his roommates from college bring all this stuff back home. I thought, i can't stand one more memory or hard thing to deal with today. I tried to pull myself together as well as I could and went out in the garage to look into his truck where all of Taylor's things were. The thing that caught my eye first was the black college size refrigerator. I remembered so clearly ten months before when we moved him down to college. I had bought this new refrigerator for his dorm room. As he was unloading it off his truck down at school, I wanted to help him, but he wanted to show off his muscles in from of his friends by lifting it out all by himself, so I let him. Well, you can about guess what happened, he did not hold the door shut and it opened up and the shelves all fell out onto the ground. One of them broke. He looked at me with a sheepish little grin and said, Oh, mom I am so sorry, I guess I should have left you help me. That memory flooded my mind--- his cute little smiling face saying how sorry he was that he already broke something on his new refrigerator. I helped his roommate unload his truck with Taylor's stuff. He had all Taylor's books in boxes, his clothes in bags. There was a box of food I had just bought Taylor, stuff he had picked out that he liked. He did not like much, but what he liked I bought a lot of it--like Mac and cheese. This was probably three weeks before the accident. None of us has touched a single piece of this food. I could not wait until this kid left, i felt myself starting to lose control. I felt this emotion of sobbing bubbling close to the surface and knew within minutes I was going to be a puddle of tears on the floor. I was not sure what this kid would have done if I took to sobbing right there in front of him---he didn't look like the type to come and hold me up, more like he would have been extremely uncomfortable and ran to his truck and left. He did finally leave and then I just went into the house and took to sobbing. I thought how will I ever be able to go through his stuff, but knew I could not let it sitting there for long, because it was right in the middle of the garage. After I got myself back under control, I found myself just compelled to go look what he had in his refrigerator----I don't know why, but I just needed to see. I guess, because it was so much him--all his personal stuff. When I opened it up, yes, it was so much Taylor----most of the stuff looked like it has been there since the first day of school. He always was a pack rat---never threw a thing away, I guess that went for food too. But the thing that made my heart stop was the bottle of pepto Bismol. Now, that was really him. That was sort a joke with him. He had allergies to some foods, but it seemed like the ones he was allergic to the most, he liked the most. Like most people, they would have stay away from those foods that would make them so sick, not taylor, he ate them anyway, so that made him and the bottle of pepto best friends. He would even take big gulps of it before he would go out, he would say "just in case I need it". I couldn't help but cry when i held that bottle in my hands, knowing this was probably the last thing he touched in his refrigerator because the rest of the things would have given him food poisoning. One bright thought in the mist of this horror, was well, Tay, you don't need to worry about taking your pepto anymore. I then went over to the boxes where his books were and looked in them. I almost lost my breath when I seen his handwriting---his little scribbles. He had done a project about how to set up a business. As I read it, tears ran down my face, it was all about him and Jeff setting up a mechanical business. Even though, i knew it would most likely never have happened, he had it set up with Jeff and him working together as partners. The kid that brought his stuff home, had let it all out in the rain, so his clothes were all wet. I washed them and hung them out on the clothes line. It was almost more than I could stand to see them blowing in the wind, but for one second or two, it made every thing seem so normal---I have washed his clothes and hung them out a million times, but now my heart ached so badly because i knew this was the last time I would ever do that for him. I don't even know why I washed them, I guess I wanted just one more small thing to feel normal---but actually it was far from normal. I knew I could not stay home, and think about this all day, so I left, even if it was for only alittle while. I spent most of this day in tears---thinking-- Taylor, why did it have to be you, could you not just have been hurt, why did you have to be killed, I don't want you dead, i want you alive and eating dinner with us tonight. I know it had to be people's prayers carrying me this day, because I could not stand on my own. I was only wanting to crumble into a heap in some corner. I knew though, that I could not leave all that stuff in the garage. It was terribly hard on me, and I knew it would be extremely hard on Jeff, but I could not force myself to clean it all up, so I just had to pray really hard to God so He would help me through this terrible big hurdle. I would clean them up tomorrow. When the kids and Jeff came home and seen all his clothes on the line, it was almost more than they could stand, so i got them in and hung up his favorite shirts and T-shirts and put them in the basement on the line. I told Spencer he could wear his other ones, but the ones in the basement, were so much Taylor, that nobody could wear them, at least not right now. The next day, I decided I could not walk by all this stuff out in the garage anymore, it was just too painful. So, I prayed really hard for God's strength, Please help me to be able to do this without sobbing my eyes out. The kids were home from school by this time, so I wanted to keep myself at least partly under control. It is really hard on them when I lose complete control, so knew with God's help I would be able to do this, or at least I hoped so. God did hear my prayer and gave me strength to clean out his refrigerator, but that was all I could do for that day. I only cried a little and that was while I taking out his pepto Bismol bottle, most of the rest of the stuff was thrown quickly away. I brought his school papers and books in the house and put them on the couch. I wanted to go through them, but not today---enough trauma for one day.

As terrible as that day was, later God gave me something to think on. Knowing God and His comfort does not take away the ache in my heart, instead it supports me in the middle of the ache. Until i get home to heaven with Taylor there is going to be an ache that won't quite. I had to think this grieving process for me is not so much trying to get rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain. As this week is going to be Thanksgiving. It is going to be the first Thanksgiving without Taylor---The beginning of the Holidays, which they say are very hard the first year. I know at times I will feel like I am drowning in my sorrow, I will feel like my emotions are raining all over the the place, and the winds of daily pressures will be beating against me, but I need to remember God will be right there with me. The verse Phil 4:13 which says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" is one I will need to hang onto with both hands. God will give me his Amazing Grace to get through each day of this Holiday season. I must believe that and trust God's promises.

Wednesday after Funeral

This is the Wednesday after the funeral.

Each day getting out of bed is very hard. As soon as I wake up, I feel this terrible dread filling my heart and soul. I have a 11 x14 senior picture in the hall right outside my bedroom door, I just stand there and stare at it. I touch his face and think-- I really can not believe you are gone. I don't know how I will make it through this day, actually i think how will I make it to the next minute. Brooke is still home, she does not go back to school until Monday, which does help alittle. They get a sub to take her place for the first week. We don't like staying around the house---there are memories of Taylor everywhere, so Brooke, I, Diane, and her girls decide to go to Amish country to just get out. We go to Walnut Creek and eat there, well they eat, I just sorta sit there and try to focus on what the conversation is, but my mind wants to keep saying over and over again---Taylor is gone!!! After they are done eating we go into a store across the street that carries alot of the P. Graham Dunn stuff. I found a really neat key chain that said "Fix your eyes on Jesus". That had become another favorite verse of mine--"God will keep me in perfect peace, when my eyes stay focused on Jesus." When I said how much I liked that saying, April bought it for me. A few days later the chain broke. At first I thought I will take this back and get another one, but God had a different plan for that little key chain. Brooke said why don't you just carry the little wooden plaque with the saying on it in your pocket. The thought came to me, that is a good idea, and every time I put my hands in my pockets I will feel this plaque and remember to keep my eyes on Jesus. So, now I rarely go out of the house without this little plaque firmly planted in my pocket. It helps me to keep focus on Jesus' face when my mind wants to go everywhere but Jesus's face. We did have a nice day, well as nice as could be expected for somebody in deep grieving. When we get back home, I was looking through all the cards that had come that day, when I came to something for Gillman's. As i opened it, I just knew what it was going to be and I didn't want to look at it. It was Taylor's death certificate. I just went and sat on a chair and held it in my shaking hands with more tears running down my cheeks. It was one more thing that made reality so heart wrenching true. Even if I wanted to pretend, maybe just for a little while, that Taylor was away at college instead of being gone forever, this death certificate in my hand made reality crystal clear. I sat there reading every last detail, with tears running down my cheeks. I just stared at his name typed on top and thought how many times had I written than name on things, and how I will never be doing that again. As I read it, I seen he had died with in minutes of impact. It said he died of head injuries. It had his age 20 years old. Just way to young to die. I had to think, Taylor, if you were not in such a hurry and would have worn your helmet, would it have made a difference. I really can't go there for long, because we will never know that answer, so I just have to go back to thinking God's plan is perfect and it just was not to be. They said his neck was broken, so maybe if he would have lived he would have been paralyzed. But satan came along not too many days ago. One day last week, Brooke was in school, they had a speaker come to talk about something----anyway at lunch, this speaker guy and a few of the teacher were in the lounge eating, when this guy told a story. He said his very good friend had a terrible accident and broke his neck and was in terrible shape, They did surgery and put some kind of plate in his neck and after much recovery time, he is fine---out walking and living life normal. When she told me this story, we both looked at each other and said "Just why could that not be Taylor". There is satan again, bring his tool of discouragement and anger----I thought, we have a choice we can let him (satan) take root and dwell on that guy's friend living life and Taylor had to die, or open the door and kick him (satan) out and say, God knows what He is doing, even if we don't like it now, but someday we will understand and know God did what was best for Taylor. It all comes down to faith. Do I have the faith to believe that God always knows best. I know this sounds crazy, of course God knows best. I do have to admit (sorry to say) I do struggle with putting my other two kids totally in God's hands. Satan likes to come whispering in my ear---you prayed so hard that God would put angels around Taylor and protect him, keep him safe----and look how that prayer turned out----. One night Brooke did not come home when I thought she should have been home and I could feel the panic flooding into my soul. I was so filled with fear, actually it got so bad, all I could think about was a cop coming to our door and saying she has been in an accident and was killed. I was almost paralyzed with fear----and guess what,-- just who's tool is that---yes satan had me by the throat. So. I realize I have to choose what I am going to do to stop this fear, ---or satan will always have control of me and I will end up living in constant fear where my kids are concerned. It was said in one of my grieving books very well--Sovereign God, I choose hope, I choose faith, I choose life. Please give me an unshakable faith in You, Jesus. This is my prayer, but I know this is much easier said than done, but it is a choice I will need to make each and every day-- and truth be told, I am sure I will fail many times----I will need to make a conscience effort to place my kids back into God's hands and trust Him with their lives. Pray I can do that with all my heart, mind and soul.

Diane and I went out to the cemetery today and decided to put up a new picture of Taylor and put some new greenery on the cross that Amber made, and then we put two poinsettia out by his grave. All the while we were doing this, I had to keep reminding myself, he really is not here. He is going to be celebrating Thanksgiving with you, Jesus this year. Yes, we are going to miss him like crazy and probably cry many tears, but like somebody e-mailed me and said, you are grieving Taylor, but Taylor is rejoicing. Pray that we can keep that thought in our hearts and minds, and not let our hearts and minds go to all that we are missing. After we left there, I took Diane home and Spencer and I went out to the accident site to put a poinsettia there. Again it just amazes me how there are always new things there almost every time I go. There were some fresh flowers in a vase, a very nice note somebody had written and put in a baggie along with a key chain from Summit racing, two little figurines. These were all new since I was there a week or so ago. This is not counting the things that were already there. While we were there Mr. Rheem was going by on his tractor and stopped to talk with us. He said that in the next couple of weeks we can come out and take a little corner of his field, which is right there where it happened and move all these things up higher so they do not wash away this winter. He said we can do whatever we want with that corner. We are not sure what we will do with it yet, probably have his friends involved and see what they want to do with it. I can not believer all what Taylor's friends have done to remember him. Mr Rheem said he goes by this place several times a day, and said there are new things all the time. He said kids are stopping and putting things there all the time or maybe just sitting there visiting the site. Again, Taylor, I love you and miss you more than you will ever know, but then it seems alot of your friends are missing you more than I would ever have thought. Taylor--you touched so many lives in life, but you also touch many many lives in death. I can't wait to see you and Jesus on that day I meet you on The Far shores of Jordan.

Monday after Funeral

This Monday should have been the first day of school for Spencer and Brooke, neither one of them went. Jeff did go off to work. He said what am I going to do at home. I could barely crawl out of bed on this Monday morning, but I could not stay in bed either. It seemed as soon as I would wake up, my mind went into over drive. My mind was going from the horror of the accident to trying to learn how to live with out Taylor. Like Max had said, now we need to find a "new normal", but just what did that look like. I have found my mind only lets me accept tiny bits of this "new normal" at a time, and then my mind would shut down. I think that is probably a safety device that God gave humans in times of tragedy, because if my mind could have accepted the whole concept that Taylor was gone forever, I would have crawled into bed and covered up and probably still be there today. They told us in the support class it will take 6 to 9 months for your mind to fully comprehend the loss. I truly believe that to be true. I sometimes still can not "believe" Taylor is out in the Apostolic Cemetery and not just away at school or out with his friends. We have all talked about this and each one of us have said the same thing. I finally do get up that morning, the kids are still in bed. The first thing I see are all those flowers, and a knife goes into my heart---they are beautiful, but I can't see the beauty of them as of yet all I see is death. I just walk over to where his senior picture is and just stand there and stare at it. My eyes see it, but my mind can not grasp "he is gone", but some part of my heart must get it, because I just sit in a chair and sob. I think how many tears can a person cry, I have cried so many tears in that week, I thought I could become dehydrated. I thought, I would put the clothes away that was in the laundry basket, because somebody had done the laundry while they were here at the house. I was slowly putting it away, when I just had to give out a moan. I came to Taylor's clothes that had been washed and folded up. There was his socks, underwear, T-shirts. I just sat on the bed and held them with tears running down my face. Can I truly believe I am putting them in his drawer for the last time. I have to put them away, it would be to utterly hard to pack them up already. I finally stumble off the bed and walk into his room and open his drawers and put them away---my mind had shut down for a bit---just like he would be wearing them again soon. As I am standing in his room, I seen all his work clothes and work boots that he had taken off that Saturday afternoon before he took a shower to get ready to leave. Nobody had been in that room much since the accident. Taylor was one never to be too neat, so they were all on the floor in a heap. I knew I could not leave them there----they were so much Taylor I could hardly stand to look at them, let alone touch them. i very slowly walked over to pick them up, but instead, I just stood there and stared at them and sobbed some more. I finally got the courage, or I guess I should say God gave me the strength to lean over and pick them up. I could smell "Taylor" in them which just made my heart break more, if that was even possible. I carried them to the basement and layed them in a pile where Taylor was suppose to put his dirty clothes (but of course Taylor was too much in a hurry to get out with his friends---and I was not here to remind him of that little chore, so they all were left in his room :) )When I got to the basement with them, I just leaned against the washer and thought, "this can't possible be true---this all has to be a bad nightmare, and I will wake up very soon, but a little voice kept say, but it is true. i think at this point, people's prayers were carrying me, because I was mostly just moaning and groaning when talking with God----I know the Holy Spirit was interceding for me, and for that I am very thankful. Later in the day, Spencer and I went to register him at school. He thought it might be better if he went to school and get back involved with soccer. When we got to his locker, he wanted to try the combination out to make sure he could get it opened. When he did open it, somebody had put a note in there with a bag a skittles. It almost make him cry, somebody was thinking about him. We got many more cards in the mail that day, people would stop by to give us food, just to visit or may be give me a book on grieving---which these books have been very informative. I have learned a lot from each book. Jeff came home from work and said, it was a hard day. He spends alot of time driving Rohrer's truck and has a lot of time to think. The best part of those first days was when it was time to go to bed. God usually let sleep come, which I was very thankful for---that was the only time of the day, that Taylor was not on my mind. When mornings came, it was like picking up a 110 pound bag of rocks and putting it around my neck to start the day. God was always near and He would give me comfort through out the day, either by somebody calling, giving me verses, somebody talking on WCRF, but sometimes it was just hard to heard God, I was so consumed with grief.

Now that we are a little further down the road, I am not quite in the depths of grieving, which at first was all my waking hours, it is still alot, but maybe not all my waking hours, so I can hear God a little bit clearer. Today as I was working out, God was trying to give me a little bit better picture of just how much He loves me. I always knew He loved me, but I think He wanted me to see it on a little bit different level. It was like He said I gave my Son freely, yes you lost your son, but would you have given him freely. Of course my answer is No, I love Taylor so much, how could I have given him freely. God said, I love mine too, and not only did I give Him freely, I watched Him being flogged, spit on, thorns smashed on his head, made fun of, rejected, and crucified on that Cross, but the hardest part of all was when I had to turn my back on Him while He was taking on the sins of the world----He felt so forsaken by Me, that He did not even call me Father, but My God, My God. And I would do this all for just one soul. Yes, you lost your son, but he was loved by many, he died quickly, he never was forsaken, in fact, I sent an angel to get him and bring him back to my Son, who welcomed him into the gates of Heaven. No, you had no choice, but I (God) did have a choice and I chose to do all this so you and every body that will believe on My Son would have a way of Salvation and live with Me eternally. Just ask me and I will help you through your grieving----You know my promise "Never will I leave you nor forsake you" (Heb: 13:5). I think God wanted me yet to included this verse. i was thinking of it, but didn't know for sure where to find it, and I just sorta opened the Bible and it opened right to it. Ephesians 3:18 "May you have power together with all the saints to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge" Yes, I had a very bad day yesterday, but God never lets me down very long. He always has a way to get my attention back on Him. I love Jesus with all my heart, but I still can not really truly understand that depth of love----to give Your Only Beloved Son, but am so thankful that He chose to do that. And also I want to thank you all for your extra prayers, I am sure that helped bring me closer back to Jesus.