Wayne County Fair 2009

I am here by myself tonight, everybody went to the basketball game. I like to write when it is quite----I always pray God will take over my thoughts and words and take me where He wants me to go with this blog. With God's strength, I think we are healing some from our broken hearts---they were broken into a million pieces on August 15th, and yes, it will take a long time to put those pieces all back together, and no, they will never be put back just the way it was----we have all changed---we all have different priorities now--we are trying to build treasure that will not be burned by the fire, but will last in all eternity. In our Daniel bible study one of the questions was "When did you last hear something that dumbfounded you?" It took me less than a second to answer that question-----that terrible phone call from Jeff on that Saturday night---not only was I dumbfounded, I was completely flatten. I am sure God used this terrible tragedy for many reasons----to touch hearts--to change lives---but I had to ask myself, what God, do you want me to learn from something that actually knocked the wind right out of me and took me straight to the ground. As I look back-- what have I learned. I have learned that God will never take me places or through a fire that He is not right there with me to encourage and help me through, and need be, carry me at times. He will only give Grace for each day, never look ahead and think how will I ever get through that day---I found out--God has not yet given Grace for tomorrow, just for today-wake up each day and live it like it could be my last one here on earth, or maybe the last one for somebody that I love dearly----God is truly the only one that can comfort a broken heart---and just when I would think, I am going to die from a broken heart---God would grab me in a hug and pull me close to Him, either by His presents of His Spirit, or sometimes by phone calls, maybe an e-mail, or perhaps a comforting card in the mail---He was always faithful. Just for example, the last several days have been "down" days, just missing Tay a lot and feeling extremely sad, and today God had Ron call and encourage me. He is always a great encourager---he helps me to refocus my thoughts and feelings. Also, I got a really nice card from Doris in the mail. It is just and encouragement to know people are still being our prayer warriors. I had several other phone calls from friends, just wanting to know how I was doing and that they were still praying for us. I realize the things that use to stress me out---no longer matter. What matters the very most is my relationship with Jesus----because without Him I would have drowned in sorrow long ago. I know without a shadow of a doubt that no matter what lies ahead, God will be with me, and He will always equip me with the armor I will need to fight any battle---yes, I may come out with scars, but when i look at those scars I will remember where I have been and Who brought me through. In Psalms 57:10--it says "For great is Your love--reaching to the heavens: Your faithfulness reaches to the skies." I just had to sit back and think on this. I had to think just how far is heaven above the earth----some of the stars are light years away and we can still see them, we can't even comprehend how far it is----God's loves us so much, again, we can not even begin to wrap our minds around how much. We think we love our kids soooo much, nobody could love them more, but our love is not even in comparison to how much God loves each one of His children. His faithfulness reaches to the skies---I have seen and felt His faithfulness, but I am sure that is just a touch of the iceberg of how great His faithfulness really is---
This week had some tough moments, even the kids said this was a hard week----I am not sure why, it just was. I think our minds are letting in more and more that Taylor is really gone. One day, I just had to go upstairs and take out some of his shirts and just hold them in my hands. I took out a pair of his jeans and held them----I just stood there holding them and was thinking how can this really be true that Taylor will never be wearing any of this again---but then God just sorta whispered in my ear---Don't be sad, he is in a much better place---he does not need those clothes anymore.

I am going back now to the day of the Wayne County Fair. It was a very bittersweet day. It was warm and sunny. Diane's family, and all of us went to the fair in the morning. This was the day of the local tractor pull. Craig Marty was going to pull in Taylor's memory---he and some friends had spent many hours repainting the same tractor that Taylor had pulled the year before. I really did not want to even go to the fair, but Jeff thought we should since they were planning on reading a tribute in memory of Taylor before his class pulled. I knew this was going to be a day where I would spend most of it in tears, because I knew how much Taylor loved the fair---he would rush home from work, and quickly change clothes---sometimes not even time for a shower--and rush back out of the house for a night at the fair---he went every single night. One of his most favorite parts of the fair were the times he got to pull his tractor---so now I am suppose to go watch this, and not cry buckets--not possible. Diane, I and the kids went early because we wanted to hear the bands playing. We got there and soon walked over to the grandstand to listen the bands. April, Autumn came and sat with us. Pretty soon, Jeff comes over and says the tractor is now here, do you want to see it. I felt my stomach drop, because no really I did not want to see this tractor that had bit stickers on it that read "In Loving Memory of Taylor Gasser"-----more reality and my heart could not take any more----I felt tears very close, but really did not want to take to sobbing, because I knew if I gave in to those tears that were threatening to spill over, I would not be able to stop. We decided maybe it would be better to go see this tractor now , so when it was pulled it would not be the first time we seen it. The bands are playing---the drums are pounding---April even made the comment---maybe getting away from those drums would be a good thing. As we are walking across the field, we had to walk by the band that was playing-- it was so loud we could not even talk. As we get closer and closer to the tractor, i felt my heart getting sadder and sadder, if that was even possible. As we finally get across the field, and we are walking up to this tractor, i could not take it anymore,-- I just broke down and took to crying----I just knew how much Taylor would have loved this tractor and to have been able to pull it---it was painted a very bright and pretty red, looked like a new one, but looking at those big stickers on the sides, just knocked the breathe right out of me. As we all stood there with all our hearts aching and crying softly thinking about Tay and missing him horribly. Diane all of a sudden says----hey, what is that song the band is playing----we all stopped and listened for a few seconds, then April says, i think it is "Amazing Grace". No longer the loud drums, but the beautiful playing of Amazing Grace. This touched all of our hearts and I am not sure about anybody else, but I could not take any more and I once again took to sobbing-we all thought, just what are the chances that a high school bank would be playing Amazing Grace, and more spectacular yet, just at that precise moment--we just knew God was right there beside us---saying----I know your hearts are breaking, I am with you--I will carry you,---Just remember, Yes, I took Taylor but he is with me. It seemed like every time we would think we can not breathe another breath because our hearts were so broken---God would in some way remind us that He was right beside us and that Taylor was with Him. If you remembered Taylor was wheeled out of the church the day of his funeral on Amazing Grace (that was not the song we picked for Tay to to out on---but now we have seen over and over why God picked it. He has encouraged and strengthen us many times through this song. I always have loved Amazing Grace, but now it has taken on a whole new meaning when I hear it. Anyway as we stood there looking at that tractor and listening to Amazing Grace being played, God once again was my great Comforter. I just knew God will get me through this day----even if He had to carry me the entire day. As i remember right, I think that is just what happened---i was in the arms of Jesus that whole day. I think we took at least a hundred pictures of that tractor and us standing by it. We decided to walk around the fair for a while, because the pull did not start for several hours. As Diane and I were walking by the pork loin station, Lisa came over and said, I want you to meet somebody. She said this lady has lost 3 of her 8 kids, and she has made it through the valley of grief, not once but three time and she is joyful in the Lord. Of course, I wanted to meet her---I was thinking, how could anyone lose three kids and not be bitter, or at the very least extremely sad. When i saw her, the first thing I noticed was the love shining through her eyes. She hugged me and cried with me--I knew she felt my pain, but she had something i wanted---I knew it was not going to be today, but someday I wanted what she had---she had what God said He would do---"I will turn your mourning into gladness, give you comfort and joy, instead of sorrow" I knew she made it through the valley of grief. Quickly, her story. A 19 year old son was killed in an accident, 15 year old son--died quickly from an illness, 30 something year old son died of a long devastating illness---she watched him die inch by inch, but through it all---she loved Jesus with all her heart. When i asked just how did you make it---with tears in her eyes, all she did was point up to Jesus. She was a real testimony to me---she took no credit of her own, she knew it was all by the Grace of God---even though, I had cried already buckets of tears this day, I had to cry a few more, but I knew that if I kept my eyes focused on Jesus, He would take me step by step, moment by moment through this very deep valley.
Now, it was time to go back over to the grandstand to watch the tractor pull. Actually, I could not wait until this day was over, the sadness was almost overwhelming, but knew God would help me through--He always says He will give Grace where Grace is needed--and I was in big need of that now. We are all sitting up in the grandstand---all of us, plus all of Max's and their kids. It was a beautiful afternoon, sun shining, warm, people cheering for each puller. I knew they were going to read a tribute for Taylor right at the beginning of his class---I was getting to the point of just wishing it would hurry up and get here---so it could be over. About half way through the class before his, they started to announce that all the mechanic kids that were in Tay's class and the ones that already graduated to come down and start to line the track in front of the grandstand----I was starting to feel that bubble of emotion getting ready to erupt in my chest. I thought please God, don't let me lose it here. About this time, Spencer gets a tex from one of Taylor's friends that was standing on the line, wanting us to come down as a family and stand with them. I thought, I can not do this---I am sure my knees are going to buckle. Diane say, I think you really should go down there with Jeff, Brooke and Spencer---you will probably be sorry if you choose not to. I knew she was right, so I did go down with them. Now, it is time for Taylor's class to pull---Jeff, Me, Brooke and Spencer are standing right in front of the grandstand---there are boys lined up on both sides of us along the track. We are hanging on tightly to each other as the announcer starts to read the tribute we wrote up for Tay. We are all sobbing almost uncontrollably all the way through the tribute---it was all so Taylor, and all I could think about was how much he would have loved to been here pulling on such a pretty afternoon and he was never going to be able to do this again. After the announcer read the tribute, he had everybody stand in the grandstand for a moment of silence. As I looked up and seen everybody standing with most having their heads bowed, I lost it, but then we all pretty much did---even alot in the crowd were crying. After a few minutes of silence while all were still stand, Craig (the one pulling in Taylor's memory), slowly drove this tractor down the track, I was sobbing so hard by now, i could barely stand, but like I said, we were hanging on to each other--trying to hold each other up, if we had not been, I am sure we all would have been a nice big puddle on the ground. Even as i sit here and write this, tears are running down my cheeks. I am hoping like they said in our Grief share, each time you revisit a very painful episode a little bit of healing takes place---I certainly hope that is true. This was a very nice tribute for Tay, but also extremely painful. After the tribute, we did stay and watched until Craig was done pulling. Again we went over to where he was and thanked him, and of course cried a few more tears on his shoulder. We took more pictures, then we started to head to the car. I have to say many, many people did stop and talk with me, and tried to encourage me, but this day was a day, where the only thing that was beginning to look comforting was my pillow. The thing that will stick in my mind forever about this day is how God very mercifully had the band play Amazing Grace at exactly the perfect moment. It just showed his presence so clearly. Even though the day was extremely painful---filled with memories of Tay---I knew deep in my heart what Isa: 43:2 says was going to be true "When I pass through the waters, I (GOD)will be with you. When I pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over me. When I walk through the fire, I will not be burned."
This day has been almost exactly four months ago---and yes, when I revisit the memories of that day, they still make me cry and are very painful, but i have also seen how God has brought a measure of healing to my heart and for that I am very thankful.

Accident Site

Well, here it is 2010 and the holidays are over. The kids are all back in school and i am here by myself. How does that make me feel? I am certainly glad the holidays are over. With the kids all gone, it is certainly quite---but that is not always bad---it gives me time and quietness to spend with God. That is a lot of times when I can feel His presences. New Year's was not nearly as sad as Christmas. In fact, it went quite well. The Plummer's from Latty were in the area, so they stopped by and we all went out to lunch and spent the afternoon together. It is always nice to be with them. They can relate to how we feel---and where we are. We can talk about memories of our son's, about the sadness of missing them, how to cope with the grief in all of this. We can encourage each other. Like Rick said---I wish we would never had to meet---meaning wishing our sons were still alive, but that was not God's plan---but in our brokenness, God brought us together to comfort each other, and to start a bonding friendship.

I am going to go back to the day I went out to the accident site. At first, I could not go and see where Taylor left this earth for eternity. It was just too hard---the shock of him dying was still shaking my body constantly, and seeing where it all happened was too much reality---my mind could not take it in. I knew one day it would be right for me to go and that day came probably a month or so after it happened. It was still warm. I picked a nice sunny day to go. I had heard so many details by now about how it all happened, I just wanted to sit and visualize it all in my mind. I drove slowly out to the site, parked my car and got out. I walked over to this culvert---it looked innocent enough, in fact at first glance it was almost peaceful. There was little stream running by a rock, the water was bubbling and making some calming noises. I stood there looking at the two white crosses, one saying "we love you, Taylor Gasser", the other one is bigger but blank. There were flowers all around the crosses. Somebody had built the crosses up and mulched around them. There were two little tractors beside the crosses---because one of his friends heard at the funeral in Brooke's tribute that Tay loved tractors from the time he could barely crawl. There was a noz can---something Tay always would be drinking---(as if he was not hyper enough)--a picture of Tay with some friends. As I stood looking at all this, tears just started to roll down my cheeks thinking how could this possibly have happened!!---then I was thinking how these kids loved Taylor and was missing him terrible just like the rest of us. Then my focus went down to the rock where Tay hit his head that night. I seen somebody had washed the rock of any remaining blood and put some daisies (there is a story with daisies) on the rock. This was more than I could take, i had to sit down and sob this moment out. As i sat there , I started to calm down and felt the sun on my back and heard the little creek bubbling along---I let my mind go back to that night and how it must have played out. It was a hot summer evening. The kids were all happy to be together on a Saturday night after a week of work to have some nice clean fun. Do you think it ever entered one kid's mind that somebody was going to die tonight----I am quite sure it didn't. They all had plans for that night, the next day, even the next week---death was the furthest thing from any of their minds. Just like Taylor, a day or so later after the accident, i opened his phone just to see who was calling him to hear his voice mail message---and I happened to see all the plans he had made for the next day and week---and i can tell you, not one of them was plans to be in Gilllman's funeral home----it just made me think---our life is just like it says---only a breathe away from eternity--life is just a vapor, a mist---so short and gone so quickly. Anyway back to that night. Several kids brought 4 wheelers that night and they were going from one farm to another so they were riding then. Several of them started out first, then Jake got on the back of Tay's and they wanted to catch up to these other guys. Taylor had just gotten this four wheeler exactly two months before and loved riding it. I have to say, Tay was a kid that often threw cautious to the wind, and loved adventure. He wanted to catch up with these other guys, and knowing Tay wanted to pass them----just to show them his was maybe a little bit faster. As he got up to this one kid's bike, Taylor started to pass, but kids being kids, this boy probably thought, you are not going to pass me tonight, and pulled over just a little bit. It was just enough for Taylor's front tire to hit his back tire and it caused Taylor to start to lose control.---But that was not so disastrous, and certainly not the first time---Taylor just went down into the ditch---the ditch was not that deep, so Tay straddled the ditch. Now why he rode like this for so long is a mystery, or I guess I should say----it was all in God's perfect Plan, because Tay had plenty of time to pull his bike back onto the road, or go into the field, or just plain stop---but he did none of these. I could just see his face at this point----Jake would have been hanging on tight, Tay's hair would have been blowing straight back, Tay would have had a smile on this face, thinking---that kid got me this time, but I will get him next time. Little did Tay know that his seconds on this earth was ticking away and he soon was going to be in eternity. As he is riding through this ditch, speed was probably not a factor at this point, because he could not been able to see all that well. What was going through Tay's mind as his eyes focused on that culvert that came out of nowhere. It looked like he quickly turned to the right trying with all his might to get his bike back up on the road, but oh, a second too late---the back wheel catches the culvert and flips him, Jake, and the bike backwards. Jake said, he felt every muscle fiber in Taylor's body go taunt. Jake flys off the bike and lands across the little creek in the soft dirt. He comes away with only a couple of scratches. The bike lands across the creek too on little tree--breaks it to the ground. Taylor lands head first on a rock, way down in the culvert---. As I sat there visualize all this---my mind kept wanting to scream----why God, why God, WHY could Taylor not have flown over the creek and landed on the soft dirt too, or why not in the creek water, or maybe, just maybe on the rock, but did it have to be head first---could it not have been his leg, arm, just why his head. I could have crumbled to the ground in all my "why", which I knew in my mind I was not going to get any answers for. But in my heart---I could hear this little small voice saying over and over---first quietly, but it did get louder and louder saying----"I know this is terribly hard---I cry with you----but always remember My Plan is Perfect!!! I make NO Mistakes." I knew God was there right beside me---actually holding me up-----As a side note, much later in one of our grief share study, each day it has a statement that says "to always remember this" and this day it fit perfectly. It said "The most important lesson you can learn in your grief is that God is sovereign. That means He is in control of everything-----nothing happens that is not filtered through His hand. God's ways are incomprehensible and far more glorious than you could imagine." When I think of the accident site---I always try to think of this statement. If I let satan get an inch here, it is not long before he can have a mile----then I find myself in real trouble. I just have to be Ok not knowing "why" God chose Taylor that night----but realize it really was no accident---there are not accidents with God. I just have to Trust God with it all. Back to that night, as i sat there, i wondered, as Tay was flying through the air---what was he thinking? Just one week earlier Brooke had a bad accident and totalled her SVU, but she said the one thing that struck her that she will never forget as she was losing control and flying all around, she said her mind was in very slow motion and she was very conscience of what was happening, and her thinking was very clear. She said, she kept thinking is this the way I am going to die as she seen the cement wall flying towards her at 60mph. As she told me this story the next day, I remember saying, be sure and tell Taylor that story, so she did a day or so later. Was there a purpose in Brooke having that accident just one week before and then telling Taylor her last thoughts before hitting the wall---remember no accidents with God----everything has a purpose. One of the kids said Taylor was mumbling something as he lay dying on that rock. Was he talking with Jesus???? As I sat there on that sunny summer day, I thought, just think a heavenly bean---probably an angel came down and said----Ok, Taylor it is time for you to come with me---I can just see a confused look on Tay's face, saying "what, where we going--did I die---naw--that can't be---Oh, no, mom is going to be so sad---she always told me this might happen." The angel probably smiled and said "Jesus will take care of your mom". Maybe the angel even left Tay stay hovering above his body long enough to see the ambulance come and take him away. Another side note---one friend did email me a while back and said she almost died having one of her kids and she had an out of body experience, just like I said---she was above the table watching her body being worked on. She said, she has never experience such unexplainable peace and she said even after just having her little boy, she did not want to come back---she wanted to go with the angel. So, Tay probably did not waste alot of time thinking about how sad I was going to be, he probably also felt this peace and had no desire to come back, even though in my human self, I wish him back at least a hundred times a day----but in my heart---I know he is where I want to be---like somebody said not long ago--we are not sad where they are at, we are just sad that we are here missing them---perfectly said. After spending a hour or two out at the site, i was ready to come home. I felt drained---I had just been where my son had died, my heart was achy, couldn't sob another tear----I tried to not dwell too long on how hard his head must have hit the rock---how his body was laying----that was all too painful. I do pray for the kids that were there that night and seen it all ---I am sure it is a scene not one of them will ever forget---one girl said in her memory of Taylor, she thinks of it every day. One last thing yet----somebody gave me this song--it also fits perfectly----is this God in action or what in how He provided just the right song, message, e-mail, phone call at the exact time I fee like I can't take another minute of this pain or loss. The song is "Rejoice in the Lord" I will not write it all, but just the parts God had jump out at me---"God never moves without purpose or plan when trying his servant and molding a man. Give thanks to the Lord though your testing seems long and hard. In darkness He giveth a song. I could not see through the shadows ahead, so I looked at the cross of my Savior instead. O rejoice in the Lord he makes no mistakes. He knoweth the end of each path that I take. For when I am tried and purified, I shall come forth as gold." I am trying to live each day as it could me my last, or the last for someone I love---I want to live each day with No Regrets, or the day I get to see Jesus face to face, then i of course will grab Taylor and say" what were you thinking that night---I told you to be careful and to wear your helmet every time you ride!!!" only kidding---actually, to give him the biggest bear hug and say we are finally home forever and ever.

Christmas of 2009

We did go to Wheeling to see the Christmas lights on Wed. We left about 5:00, then we met Brooke and BJ at our motel. The lights were really pretty neat. It is a six mile drive. We ate first, so by the time we got to the lights, the line was non existing, we just drove through with a few cars in front of us. It was really nice, because we could stop and take pictures anytime we wanted. Then the next day, which was Christmas Eve, we got up and decided to go to Cabela's to look around--BJ, Spencer and Jeff had never been there. God blessed the weather, it was pretty both days. We got home and went to Diane's for Christmas Eve. We usually have our own little Christmas on Christmas Eve, but decided we could not do that, we had to do something different. It actually went well. It was exciting to watch the kids open their presents---it is always fun to see Christmas through the eyes of the kids. We wanted Christmas to be something different, something we never have done before. I found out you can do whatever you want, it does not make the hurt any less painful. As I woke up Christmas morning, I heard it pouring down rain, I thought that is just what my heart feels like--pouring tears of sorrow. I just wanted to pull the covers over my head and pray the day could just be over. Christmas was a lot different than Thanksgiving. Tay's absent was felt in every fiber of my body. I knew though, I did not want to spend the day in tears. I finally crawled out of bed came downstairs and just stood there looking at Taylor's picture---wishing with all my heart he could be here, but knew that was gone forever. I lit the candle and just watched it burn---with my mind drifting off to other Christmas's. Nobody said anything much about Taylor, we all knew if we talked about him, we would all be sobbing. Even though, we never talked about him much, our hearts were all broken in a million pieces, you could just see it on all our faces. We had the kids open their stocking stuffers first. Yes, Taylor's was laying right there beside the rest, but it was not empty---it had a lot of memories stuffed in it. The kids were great---some put them out at the cemetery, some brought them over and visited--some e-mailed. Thank you all who took part in this memory of taylor---I have not read very many, it is just too sad for the moment, but the time will come when I will--yes, i am sure I will shed a few tears, but if I tried to do it now, I would be sobbing---probably uncontrollably. After the kids were done with that, Brooke and BJ took over the kitchen and cooked us a delicious brunch. We sat and ate for a while---we just kept it light conversation---but every once in awhile, i could not help myself, I would find myself, just staring at Taylor's picture sitting there on the bow window. My heart was breaking and knew sometime in this day, I will need to "spend time" with taylor. We then went back into the livingroom and opened the rest of the gifts. We did pretty well, until the last two presents. The Rheem's (where the accident happened) got the kids a T-shirt just like the one Taylor use to wear everywhere, and I mean everywhere---I almost had to peel it off of him to wash it. It was navy blue Yamaha T-shirt. They got one just like it---same color and everthing---,but when we turned it around on the back it had Taylor's famous made sticker---In Loving Memory of Taylor Gasser and in the middle was his racing number 614. It was like taylor just popped into our Christmas---but was still absent. We all lost it on this one. His absent was so strong, we just could not take it anymore---the pretending was over. We did recover, but we had moved to a different place----each of our hearts were breaking almost uncontrollably. BJ. held Brooke until she cried though the moment. He did not seem uncomfortable with all our sorrow, even though he was not here through any of it. We asked him if he wanted to see where it happened, and he wanted to see it. So, we all got into the car and drove over to where it happened. It was silent ride, each was in their own thoughts. We all got out and just stood there looking at the crosses, flowers, and the rock where he died. It was cold, windy, cloudy about to rain---just the way my heart felt. Jeff explained to BJ how it all happened, but other than that we just all stood there in silence, again lost in thought. When we got back to the house---Jeff wanted to go up to Barb's for his side of Christmas, but at this point, I felt like I just wanted to be alone---like I said---I needed time to "spend" with Taylor and that feeling was getting stronger and stronger. I told him, I just could not go up there and he took that well---I think one look at me and he understood what I was saying. Brooke and BJ left in their car to go up to Barb's also---she wanted BJ to meet them for the first time, but she was feeling alot like me, so she did not want to stay very long. When they left, I just sat a while longer looking at his picture and remembering some of the good times, but as of now, memories are so bittersweet, they just make me cry. I just had to hear his voice, so I went and called his cell phone. His voice mail message is so Taylor---what he says is just him. I called it twice to just hear him talk---did it make me feel any better----no, much worse, more lonely, but I just had to do it. It was like I wanted to connect with him again. I looked at some more pictures of him, then I just wanted to go to the cemetery to talk to him----I know he is not there, but that is the closes i am going to get to him here on this Earth. So, I drove slowly out there with tears running down my cheeks. When i get ready to pull in, I see Brooke and BJ are standing out by Taylor's grave. I thought it was best to let those two alone, so I just drove around until they left. I think Brooke felt alot like me today---she just had to "connect" to Taylor in some way---She said by the time she left the cemetery, she felt drained and worn out. I drove up that looooog drive once again. It was getting dark, it had rained lot today. Water was standing on Taylor's grave. I just stood there looking at his grave, i could feel the emotions starting to bubble up inside my chest---I knew I was at my breaking point. I just took to sobbing trying to talk to him---I know he is dancing on those streets of gold, but my heart was anything but dancing. I reached down to check to see if any of his friends were out there leaving any memories, and sure enough two more. I am not sure why I did this, but I did. I took them back to car and read them. It was from two of this best friends, they both were there the night he died---they wrote about that---I thought, my heart can not take any more today. I just sat there and sobbed, by now it was almost dark. I finally, got the strength to go home. This was a day, I felt so utterly exhausted and sad, I could not pray for myself, so I am very thankful that others were praying for me. I had to think where would I have been if nobody was praying in my behalf----I was never so glad to crawl back into bed that night---thinking this day is finally over. It is days like this that you just know in your head that God is truly the Great Comforter, even though I might not have felt it so much in my heart today, but I just have to take a moment or two and remember all He has brought me through and know without Him, i would never make it through this journey, well not as a whole person. I would probably make it, but just only a small part of my heart would be here.
The day after Christmas, Brooke and I both wake up with the flu. I hardly even cared, I thought staying in bed, didn't even sound that bad, but I did not realize what staying in bed with nothing to do would take me. It is times like these that it would have been great if there could have been a little switch inside my heart to shut off. I don't know what ached more my heart or my body. I felt too drained to cry, I just felt an overwhelming sadness---wondering will this ever end---will i truly make it through this. There is a picture of Tay along with the rest of the kids beside my bed, I spent alot of time just looking at that picture. I again was so happy to end another day (Oh, it is beginning to sound like I am wishing my days over). Today, I did feel alot better and am very thankful for that. Every body went off to church, I decided I was not feeling well enough for that. This afternoon, Kirk came by to drop off his memories. He also brought another really good picture of Taylor right before they went skydiving. In this one---Tay is all smiles, and looks like he has the world by the tail, and i had to think, in less than two weeks after this picture was taken he was in eternity---looking at that picture, it was just unbelievable hard to think he is really gone. Kirk stayed and we visited for a couple of hours about all the good times each of us had with Taylor. It is so good to talk about him, it just seems to bring him right to the table with us, but all too soon it is over and he is again gone. Then Brooke and BJ left to go back to MI for the week. He was very kind to spend Christmas with us, since he is only home for a couple of weeks on leave, but I will miss Brooke this week. She has come to help pull me out of the "pit" on bad days on more than one occasion---I guess Spencer will have to take over that job this week:). These last several days have been very hard days, and thankfully most are not this hard. The one thought that keeps radiating thought my mind is that God never makes mistakes, no not one---He knows what He is doing every minute of every day. He only does what is best for each of us---His plan is always perfect. As I was doing my grieve bible study today--- there was a part where it says to always remember---and of course God was right there picking me up again, yes i fell into the pit for a spell, but He will never let me there---it says, Great suffering will occur in this fallen world, but God can turn EVERY situation around for an even GREATER good. We may not see how a person's EARLY death could be good for that person or for those left behind, BUT GOD KNOWS THE WHOLE STORY, AND WE MUST TRUST HIM IN HIS GREAT LOVE TO KNOW WHAT IS BEST. Now doesn't that say it all----God knows what He is doing, my job is to trust Him. I feel like I have fallen down these last several days--I want to question God, Why Taylor, now I need to get up shake off the dust and take one day or even one moment at a time---and know God is there, even on those days, i don't feel Him, in fact some days, He might even feel really far away-and I can feel very alone---but know He never will leave me.
Thank you for all your prayers, please continue to pray for us---this is very long journey with some very deep valleys. And thank you all for your memories---they really do not have to stop now because Christmas is over---I will take any and all you want to give me.

Taylor's Friends

I am really glad that Brooke came up with the idea of writing memories of Taylor to put in his stocking for Christmas. A lot of his friends have taken the time and effort to write memories, some even brought them over. It was so nice to see some of Taylor's friends. I want to thank each of you who took the time to do this. Like I have told them, these memories will become treasures for us. We have not read many, it is just too painful this year. Talking with these kids and listening to their memories of Taylor are so bittersweet. I can just see Taylor doing what they are talking about. He just becomes so alive through their conversations---It touches my heart how these kids have so many fun and good memories. But on the flip side of the coin, it makes my heart ache to listen to these stories---it just feels like he should soon be walking through the door and saying "Hey, family---I am home" like he always did when he came home from college and then drop all his dirty laundry and book bag, computer bag on the floor and walk over to talk with us. Oh, how I miss that kid, but know he is having Christmas every day in Heaven.
For Christmas this year, I took all the pictures except the ones with him in them on the bow window and put them away and put up the 8x 10 picture Kirk gave us where Taylor was skydiving. I put a candle beside his picture and every evening we light it and burn it until we go to bed. Today I got one red and one white carnations and put in a vase beside his picture. We have an angel also beside the vase. It is a way to remember Tay, No, we are not going to forget him, but it makes him be a special part of Christmas It is very sad every night when I light the candle, and stand looking at his picture---I just have to think how different this year is from last--our normal for last year is over forever, and we are trying to find a new normal to be able to live with.
Brooke's boyfriend from MI which is in the navy is home on leave and he is here visiting until after Christmas. I am very thankful for that---anything that is different from last year will help.
We went and helped Brooke today unpack at the new school. I am trying to keep as busy as possible for these next days. I just don't want alot of time to actually think about how horrible this really is. In our grief share group---every body was pretty quiet and sad---it is most everybody's first Christmas without their loved one.
We are planning on all going to Wheeling tomorrow evening and viewing the Christmas lights at Ogle Park----I don't even care if we have to wait three hours in line to get through the park----at least I will not be home. I know doing different things is not going to take the pain away---but maybe, just maybe it will dull it a tiny bit. God is always faithful---He gave me this verse the other day---Psalm 91:4-5 "God will cover me with His feathers, and under His wings, I will find refuge. His faithfulness will be my shield. i will not fear the terror of night nor the arrows that flies by day." Doesn't that sound so comforting---what better place to be than under Jesus's wings and having His huge shield of faithfulness to stand behind, ---but I am still having major trouble with those arrows that fly by the day, and the terror at night, only that is usually sadness more than terror. Those arrows can cut right through my heart. I know if I would just stand behind His shield and stay there, I would continually be under His wing, but instead I find myself turning and running in the other direction when things get "scary and tough" and as soon as I get out from under that shield, satan shoots those arrows and guess what i am not protected anymore and they hit me right in the heart.
We have gotten many Christmas cards and cards that say we are just thinking and praying for you through this season,these last several weeks.---Thank you---we do need prayers to get us through this very tough time of year. We really do feel them---My eyes have been open to the compassion I have seen in people---many I barely know. It touches my heart deeply that people seem to truly care and love us, and in some cases, our lives have never really crossed paths in the past. I wish every one a very nice Christmas----take lots of pictures and hug each one of your kids tightly, we don't know what God has in store for each of us in this next year. As we found out, life can change in a twinkling of an eye. One thing I regret---last year, I decided not to take any pictures Christmas Eve when the kids were opening their gifts. i thought to myself, Oh, I got enough pictures of that---I thought, they look the same each year, I will take some next year---how I wish I had pictures of Taylor opening his laptop. I pray God will provide the right about of Grace to get me through Christmas---I know in my head He will, I just have to move that to my heart. He promised His Grace will be sufficient---I am holding onto that promise.

Can a Heart be Breaking and Rejoicing at the Same Time??

I found today that your heart can be breaking into a million pieces, but yet it can also be singing a song of joy all at the same time.
Today was a hard day for me. As I was getting out of bed, I could feel that heavy weight being put around my neck. My chest just ached. I haven't had to wear it lately, or I guess i should say it has not been as heavy, but today was different---I thought, why is today any different than yesterday. I didn't know, that is just the way grieving is---one day can be half good and then the next can be devastatingly sad. I went with Diane to do a little Christmas shopping. I had a sad feeling--my heart was aching, but not overwhelming. I came home and thought I would go out to the cemetery and take back the poinsettia's that I brought home when it was that terrible wind storm a week or so ago. As i was driving up that loooong lane to the cemetery, i felt my chest starting to bubble up with this terrible feeling of unspeakable sorrow. As I drove around that curve and seen his grave, I simply lost it, and took to sobbing. I could not help but say---Oh, Tay Merry Christmas---yes, i know it is Christmas every day in Heaven, but I couldn't help but want him home for Christmas sitting on the couch like all the years's before. I just sat there a bit trying to get control, just so I could climb out of the car and go over to this grave and put the poinsettias back. When i got closer I saw what took my heart away. This time I just leaned over and sobbed. Somebody, one of Tay's friends were out there once again to visit him, and this time they put a laminated poem of "Christmas in Heaven". Even as I write this and re-read that poem, tears are running down my cheeks, so if I miss spell any words, that is because i can't see them very well right at the moment :). I am going to post this poem and tell me that it doesn't make you cry. I was sobbing so hard by now, that I could barely stand up out by his grave. I was pretty glad I was out there by myself.

CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
with tiny lights like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, MOM
You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year

I sent you each a special gift

I think what hit me so hard, is I can just hear Tay saying a lot of those same words--like Please, Mom, wipe away your tears, I know you miss me, I know your heart aches for me,but I really am not that far away, Hey mom, be happy for me because I am spending Christmas with the One you love too, Jesus. I just kept reading it over and over, because some of it sounded so much like Tay, it was almost like I was talking with him-----Oh, Tay, how can I wipe the tears away, and Oh, how I wish I knew how to make my heart quit aching so much today, but yes I am not happy, but at peace that if you can't be with me, you are with Jesus. I went back and got into the car and I just sat there, and finally, I just asked God, Where are You today, I don't feel You today---I feel so alone---my heart is breaking and I don't feel you, so where do You think that leaves me, You know I can't hardly breathe on my own,----I need you right now---but God was silent. I finally just drove slowly back out of the cemetery----but I could barely drive---good thing the road was mostly empty, because tears were blinding me. I thought, I will go to the rec center and work out and run on the treadmill---any physical pain would be much better than this pain. So, I finally get to the rec center---I don't think I looked too well walking in there, the guy just said Hi, and never said another word---I got on the treadmill and just ran----but found out running, and crying don't go together very well. It was hard to run, cry, blow my nose, and breathe all at once---I almost hyperventilated a couple of time----Yes, I was in there by myself, or I am sure they would have taken me off the threadmill, gave me a bag to breathe in, and found a cot for me to lay down on---but no, I decided to run until I could feel better. I was listening to a sermon and I kept asking God where are You---sure enough He came to my rescue they sang the song, "Come unto Me"which is when God spoke to me --and it was just what I needed--it goes "Come unto Me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest Take My yoke upon you and I will give you rest--SWEET REST--For My yoke is easy and My burden is light" No, I did not write it all--because these were the words that God had me hear, I really did not hear the rest of the song and a calmness did start to come over me. By the time I left there, I was feeling some better, but this is a day I will be glad to take that heavy weight off from around my neck and lay it down and pray God let's me rest tomorrow and not have to wear it again. I realize it is getting closer to Christmas and each day is getter harder and harder---Taylor's absent is felt more strongly if that is even possible. Just like wrapping presents, I am very much aware that there are none for Taylor. As I am shopping, I will find myself thinking Oh, Tay would like that----Oh, but he is not here. We just got the update for the church directory, and it was just a shot of pain in my heart when I seen that Tay's name is no longer listed. We got the Christmas program book from last Sunday night and there is taylor's name under the listings of funeral's. What a pain straight through my heart---Just how many blows can you take until you can't get up again----Ok, I realize and know today was a very bad day and pray with all my heart that God will carry me tomorrow.

After reading that, I know anyone would be thinking, how could I even have a fraction of my heart rejoicing, it sounds like it has been broken into a million pieces, but yes there is reason to rejoice. I have always talked with all my kids about Jesus and said many many prayers about each and every one of their salvation's. After Taylor, I prayed so hard for Spencer. I know he loved Jesus and I would see him praying, but never quit gave his whole heart to Jesus. I just prayed---Please Jesus work in Spencer's heart and give him such a great desire that he wants to be one of Your children that he just has to call out to You. I would tell my kids what Jesus was doing in my life, and then I sometimes would ask them what He was doing in theirs. Sometimes I would get answers and sometimes, they would just shrug their shoulders. But after Taylor's accident and we all seen how quickly life was taken, i talked more and more with Spencer. The other night, he and I were going out Christmas shopping, and I always enjoy going with one kid by themselves, because it gives me a change to really ask deep personal questions. I am pretty close to them, and can talk almost about anything with them. So as we are driving to the mall, I said, Spenc, i have a question for you---If we would get into an accident and get killed tonight, do you feel you would go to heaven. He didn't say anything for a second or two, but then said Yes, I do believe I would. I knew he loved Jesus but never had proclaim that he had taken Jesus into his heart, so I said, why do you say that. He looked at me and said, "well I had a dream the other night and dad, Fred, and I were in a building helping dad get ready for a sale and all of sudden we heard a real loud noise and dad decided to go outside and see what it was---I stayed inside with Fred. All of sudden, Dad starts to scream---I ran outside as fast as I could and as I took two steps outside I knew that it was then end of the world and I was left behind." He said he woke up in a cold sweat and was so scared he could have started to shake. He said right then, He asked Jesus into his heart and said he wanted to go to Heaven with Jesus. He looked at the clock and it was 3:00 a.m." I looked at him and said do you realize that at that exact minute the angels were rejoicing in heaven---just as it says in Luke 15:10---I tell you there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." Yes, i know this is just a beginning, but I just asked him today, do you feel different and he said, the Holy Spirit is working!!!. As we talked that night, I said, I know Tay saw that, and even though Tay is not crazy about dancing, i am sure he gave a little dance. I told Spencer I could just see Tay, he would always make a fist and pump his arm in the air when he was extremely happy about something---like the day he graduated from high school---right after he got his diploma, he gave a little pump---the night of his senior prom walking across that platform--he gave alittle pump. I could just hear Tay say---Oh, Spenc---way to go dude---and then he would say--remember how mom use to tell us about heaven and Jesus---well, she did not even come close to describing how beautiful heaven is and remember how she wanted us to know Jesus as our best friend---there is nothing better than that. Then Taylor gave that great big grin and said---our family circle is broken on earth, but it will not be broken in heaven---see ya soon!!!! Spenc has given his heart to Jesus, and i am more than happy to mentor him. He has not yet decided what church will be called his home church, but the church does not save him---we all know the blood of Jesus Christ and His Amazing Grace is the saving power---but he will decided in the future--or I should say, God will direct him where He wants Spencer to go. So, yes, there is great joy in my heart that Spencer is now a child of the King. I had to think as I have been praying the praise of Daniel 2:23 as part of my bible study, which says "I thank & praise You O, God of my Father. You have given me wisdom and power. You have made Know to me what I have asked of You" Jesus did exactly as that promised said---Prayer is powerful---I always knew that, but I am seeing that more and more each and every day---
I want to thank you all for the cards, e-mails, and most importantly prayers you have said on our behalf now and in the future. I want to thank who ever put that poem out at the grave site. It always touches my heart to see even though this is a busy time of season,his friends have not forgotten him, not even for a minute. I continue to pray for his friends----the day will come when we will all be dancing on those streets of gold.

Robert Rogers----Do You Know Him???

Tomorrow will be four months that Taylor had his accident. Sometimes it feels like I am stuck in time, and other times, I will think where did October and November go. I can not remember what it felt like to be happy and care-free, but deep in my heart there is joy. Yes, there is also great sorrow and sadness--but happiness or sadness comes from circumstances, and that is just for a season, but true joy comes from Jesus, knowing Him and having a relationship with Him and that is not a season, but for all eternity. December is a tough month, but I don't have to remind God of that. I truly believe without a shallow of a doubt the verse Phil 4:19 which says "My God will meet all of my needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. He knew I needed a boost of encouragement the last week or so. Our Grief Sharing group is almost over, which we have grown to love, so there is going to be a hole left. Last week, in our group,they proceeded to tell us starting in January they are doing a big study on Heaven. Now, how can that not be encouraging---learn more about where Taylor is waiting for us. But I guess God thought I still needed a little more encouragement, so He made it possible to go Saturday to Chris and Loren's to hear Robert Rogers speak. I heard his story on WCRF a while ago, so knew it was going to be very emotional. Diane, Brooke and I went. If you don't know him, I will explain briefly his story. It was six years ago in August that he, his wife and four kids were on their way home from Kansas after a Wedding. They got into a terrible storm and it was raining unbelievably hard, could not see two feet in front of them. The road they were on started to flood, so he said we have to get out of this van. By this time the van was pushed over to the cement wall ,stalled and filling up with water. He broke a window to get out, but when he did that the force of the water yanked him, his wife and one daughter right out of the van. The other three kids were in car seats, so they stayed in the van. It was dark, so he could not see much of anything around him, but found himself on some bank. He could not find anybody else. They took him to the hospital, and alittle while later the police come into his room and told him they found his van and all three kids were still in their car seats, but were all dead. He said, he had to go down to the hospital morgue and identify his three darling kids. I sat there thinking, what it was like when I had to go into Gillman's the first time to see Taylor---I remember how gut wrenching that was, I can't in my worst nightmare imagine what it would be like to have to see three of your kids laying there. I remembered how many people told me--I can't imagine what you are going through----it hit me---yes it was horrible, my very worst nightmare, but God never takes us through a fire no matter how small or how big it might be without going with us and giving us Grace for whatever He puts us through----He will give us just the right amount---never too much, or too little. Back to this Robert---he said later that night they came back into his room and said we found your other daughter, she also is dead. Then two or three days later they tell him they found his wife and she was dead as well. He lost his entire family in a matter of minutes----one would think how could you keep from losing your mind in pools of grieve, or withering up in a fetal position with depression, or carry such bitterness in your heart, that you could hardly breathe. He did none of those. I got such encouragement from him. He made a statement that I keep thinking on. First though, he also sings and plays the piano. He said the day after the funeral , he sang a song in his church---He said he was determined to not let satan steal his joy. WOW, I could not even listen to songs right after the funeral, let alone sing one----he said the one thing that helped him heal the most was taking his attention off of himself and serving others. I was thinking, just how could he possibly do that, I was thinking of nothing but all my loses and he had four times my loses, He was determined to serve Jesus in spite of his intense mourning. He made a CD while in the misted of his grieving, so alot of the songs are about Heaven or dedicated to his kids. The songs really tore at my heart---they were so much of what I was feeling. Like one said, What is it like to be dancing on the streets of Heaven. What is it like to see Jesus face to face. Taylor was never big on dancing :), but I can certainly see him walking and jumping, maybe even doing a little skipping on those streets, and I would have loved to have seen Tay's face light up when he saw Jesus for the first time. Then the last song, really hit home. He said that first Christmas when he was all alone, he recorded this song. The theme to the song was, IT IS CHRISTMAS EVERY DAY IN HEAVEN. As I sat there, I thought, maybe if I can keep this thought in mind, Christmas may not be quite as sad without Tay. He is having Christmas every day----what a place to be. Robert gave me another thought to think on, each morning to pray "how can i glorify Your Name today, How can Your light best shine through me in my darkest hour". That definitely would keep my focus on Jesus's loving eyes all day. I am sure Robert has times of great sorrow, but any human without Jesus in their life and strong relationship with Him, could never have survived such tragedy, but the sun is definitely shining in his life again. God knew what He was doing when he picked Robert to go through this terrible season of life, because he was willing to quite his engineering job and travel with is new wife and two small kids to speak and tell his story of how God brought him through. It probably is not easy to relive that horror over and over--- I am sure there still is pain and sadness--it has only been six years. He was a type of person where you just felt Jesus overflowing through him. God blessed me this weekend by hearing him speak----it was a great encouragement.
We went to our grief sharing class tonight, and found great comfort there also---yes, there is alot of pain and sadness in that room, but we have formed some great friendships with people that we would never have met. We all are in the misted of grieving---God is taking us through the fire to refine our faith. We all know the next couple of weeks are probably going to be some of the hardest days of our lives. We are praying for each other and we are all on prayer lists of our family and friends which we are very thankful for. We also know that from these verses Isaiah 43:1-2, we will all make it through, not only Christmas, but this season of grieving. The verse says" Fear not, for I have redeemed you: I have summoned you by name (He has called us by our name--what a comfort), you are mine (another comfort). When you pass through the waters, I will be with you (we are never by ourselves), and when you pass through rivers, they will not sweep over you (we will not drown), when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze (we will not be destroyed) . Everybody one time or another will be in some kind of fiery trial in their life, but God will always be with us. In our study of Beth Moore, she said something that was interesting. She said, God does one of three things in these fiery trials. God can deliver us from the fire, for example just do a small miracle in our lives and lift us right out of our trial--remove the trial and life goes back to normal---that would most definitely build our faith, we would never forget it. Or We can be delivered through the fire by God. We will have to go right through the blazing fire, but God will be right there with us and if need be-- carry us until we are strong enough that we can walk again, or maybe He will let us soar on the wings of eagles in the middle of the storm for a while. Our faith will be refined---like when gold is refined, the heat of the fire purifies the gold----we see God's character on a first hand bases, we have no choice except to grab a hold of God and hang on for the ride, if we want to survive. Our relationship with Him is intensified and very personal. The last one is, we can be delivered by the fire right into the arms of Jesus. None of us really want this one, but actually it is what we are all looking forward to. Our faith then is perfected, we are face to face with Jesus. We have taken off our coat of sorrow, pain, loneliness,frustration and layed it down and step over into our heavenly home where we will never cry another tear--and every day will be Christmas!!! Thank you Jesus for your great love for each of us, You walk with each one of us through these fiery trials, and You will deliver us one way or another---You have the perfect plan to deliver us. We are each the child of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.

Isaiah 41:10

Today was a gloomy, cold, rainy and extremely windy day-- is that also where my heart is? It would be easy for me to fall into this place each morning when I wake up. In fact, alot of nights I wake up about 2 or 3 in the morning and where do my thoughts go----of course, Taylor and I think how could all this possibly be my life now. As I lay there thinking about him, I feel a real sadness come over me, one I can't begin to explain. I know if I stay in that state of thinking about Taylor and how much I miss him---the ache to see him will become unbelievable, i know then I will get up in the morning and feel just like today, miserable. So, how do I keep from falling into that state----I grab a hold of God with both hands and talk with Him in the middle of the night like He is standing right beside my bed. I remind Him of all the promises He has given me----(Ya, like He might have forgotten one :)Then I repeat them over and over. As it is getting closer to Christmas, each day is more of a battle to stay closely connected with Jesus, satan is right there telling me---look how happy everybody is---they are so excited about Christmas and getting together with their families, but when your family gets together on Christmas morning, there is going to be an empty chair, and it is not just empty for this year, but it will always be empty. If I let satan win with that kind of thinking, them all my days are going to gloomy, rainy, and cold. As I was doing my bible study in our grief sharing book, God gave me this verse which fits perfectly (is that a surprise) John 16:20 " I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. and verse 22 Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.". I thought that verse is exactly where I am----this is my time to grieve, and it is OK that the world is rejoicing, not to feel sorry for myself, my time of rejoicing will come too some day. I just have to wait on God to heal my heart. Grieving is a long, slow and very difficult process to get through. God orchestrated the human mind to only be able to grasp small amounts of grief at a time, or a person's heart would completely break into a million pieces and there would be absolutely no way to put it back together again. Even though, my mind will understand that Taylor is never coming home, never getting married, never going to be a dad, my heart will go into denial and not comprehend it. My heart will shut off, or become numb to those terrible thoughts and feelings. My heart can only stand a little bit of the truth at a time, and when my heart "gets" it, then I am really sad, until I have grieved that particular loss---then it moves on to the next loss.
We want Taylor to be part of this Christmas as he has been for the last 20 years, but how could that happen. We came up with an idea, which I think will make great memories. Since Brooke had already hung Taylor's stocking up with the rest of them, we thought we need to fill it with something. We thought it being empty Christmas morning would be heartbreaking. So we decided to have all his friends and family write at least one memory, and if they felt like it two or three, which would be great about Taylor. We will put them in his stocking and each year add more memories. We thought this will be a great way for Brooke and Spencer's kids to get to know who Taylor was as a young boy full of life. We will read some every year, and maybe we will even this year, though it might be to sad to read many memories this year. I put this on facebook to reach some of his friends, and I am happy to say, a couple have responded with memories. They are so bittersweet, but I know in the years to come they will be a treasure. So, if anyone wants to share a memory, just e-mail it to me at debjefgas@juno.com . It will be greatly appreciated.

Ok, I am going back in time. I am going back to probably a month or so after Tay's accident. I hated getting up each day. It was like as I got dressed, I also put a huge weight around my neck. The sadness and loneliness was almost unbearable. One day, I got a bill in the mail for having Taylor's wisdom teeth pulled out. I could not believe it. I sat there in a chair looking at that bill, and thought oh, so much has happened since that day of surgery. I remembered how cute he looked coming out of antisetic that morning. His mouth was filled with cotton, and they had us waiting in the doctor's office which was filled with racing cars. When the doctor came in, Taylor was so interested in his racing pictures everywhere, that he was trying to talk to the doctor. I could have taken to laughing, cause I could not understand one word and blood was running out of his mouth, but he didn't car, his eyes were all lit up looking at those cars. The doctor was much better at understanding Taylor, he must have been use to gargled speech, because he carried on a conversation with Tay. Tay was so talkative and happy, probably the medicine had something to do with that, because when he got home it was a different story. As I sat there thinking of this story, I remembered, i took a picture of him when we got home, so i went and got my camera, sure enough there was that picture. Again, that day was so hilarious, there he was with a big ice pack on both cheeks with a mouth full of cotton, and his mouth drooping down. He now looked like he got into a big fight and he was the loser. He was no longer the talkative boy, but one in pain. I sat there looking at that picture and crumbled into tears, thinking this just can't be. That picture was barely two months old, and now my life was so horribly changed. That day was a really hard day, one I could not wait until I could go to bed and take that heavy weight off from around my neck. That night before bed, I went and checked my e-mail and I got one from Rachel and she said in it that God had given her a verse that she wanted to give me which was Isa 41:10. i think I read it that night, but was so low, it hardly meant anything to me. I just wanted to escape from all this pain. When I got up the next morning, it was Friday, the day I got to see Tay for lunch and sometimes if we were lucky we would get dinner with him too, but not today, all I had were pictures and a terrible sadness in my heart. I remember it was a beautiful summer day, but to me, in my mind, it might as well have been a day like today --gloomy and cold----my heart was anything but sunny. If I would have let myself, I would have gotten the photo album out and curled up in a corner and just looked at pictures of Tay. Sheila called later that morning and we talked a bit and pretty soon, she says, God gave me a verse today and I am to give it to you. I said in a weak voice, oh, which verse is it and she says, Isa 41:10. I thought, oh, that is the same verse that Rachel gave me last night, maybe i better go read it again. I wrote it down, but it still did not hit my heart---it again was in my head, but did not move the 18 inches down into my heart. Beside that huge hole in my heart where Taylor was suppose to be, i had something else that satan kept bring into my mind that just would not quit. Somebody that I really respected as a person and his thoughts. He had made a comment right after the funeral ( he was referring to when Ron said that Taylor had given his heart to Jesus and was in heaven), he said "is this what our church has come to, just accept Jesus. That was a doorway for satan to come and bring his favorite tool again----doubt----. The day was getting worse, if that was even possible, so thought I would go for a walk over in Johnson's woods. God has many times spoken to me there and was desperately hoping for His presence and comfort. I walked for an hour, but really did not feel all that much better and was on my way home, when my cell phone rang. I saw it was Ron, so i picked it up. His first words, were "how is your day going". i said in a very broken voice, in fact so broken, I am not sure he even understood me. He just knew things were not good and he quickly got to the point. He said as he was doing his quiet time that day, God gave him a verse that he wanted to give to me----guess what verse---ya, Isa 41:10. Through my tears I said, "Oh, Ron, you are the third person to give me that verse in 24 hours." He said "what, I can't believe it, Deb, God really wants you to have that verse. That is God speaking." I told him all that was going on and how I was feeling and he proceeds to say" God has chosen you and put you on a platform, but it comes with a very high price, it is very expensive, but He wants you to Glorify His Name." All i could think was Oh, please can I just crawl off this platform. I don't want to be here, it is just too painful, too hard, but knew in my heart, this is where God put me and this is were I am to be-- painful or not, but knew Jesus was right there on this platform with me. Ron encouraged me to the point that I was no longer in tears by the time we hung up. On the rest of the way home, i thought I am going to "really" read this verse when i got home. When i got home, i took my bible and sat at the kitchen table and read this verse word by word. This is what it said Isa 41:10 "So do not fear: for I am with you, do not be dismayed: for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.". When i was done reading it real slow, I have only had this two, maybe three times in my entire life, but this is one of those times. It was like Jesus was sitting in the kitchen chair right beside me, and in a voice that was almost audible He said--"This is my promise to you, Remember it always". He felt so close to me, I felt like I could have reached over and touched Him. I just layed my head on the table and wept. I knew this was going to be the verse that will get me through the moments, the days, the months and eventually the years. A promise I will never forget. Then Jesus added one more, I could hardly believe it, a couple of days later, i get a card with that exact verse Isa.41:10 inscribed in the card. I just sat there and smiled as I read it. I thought, God---I will never understand Your deep love for me, no human love will ever come close to the love you have for your children.
To this day, that is the verse I repeat over and over, until it moves from my head down into my heart to where I can actually "feel" it. He is my God, He will strengthen me, He will hold me up with His righteous right hand-----what better place to be than in His hands. Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty.