I can hardly believe it is June 1st, the kids are almost out of school. I love the warm and sometime sunny days, spring just brings new life to so many things, but also brings new first which I have to crawl through each one. Some are so much harder than others, but hopefully the second time around it will be a tiny bit easier. I have found that the change of season, winter to spring and then sliding into summer is much harder than I was expecting. I expected Christmas, his birthday to be gut wrenching days, but sunny warm days are much tougher than I thought it would be. I find myself expecting to hear his fourwheeler racing around the backyard, and Taylor loved loud noises, so the louder the muffler the better, sometimes it was so loud we would have to shut the windows if we wanted to carry on a conversation without yelling. I find myself thinking it is just so quiet, I miss that loud noise zooming by the open windows. Just so quiet, and I always thought I liked quiet, but it now can make my heart ache. He had made himself a jumping ramp out in the back yard, I use to do dishing watching him go around and around jumping that ramp, and yes, each time I said a little arrow prayer that God's angel would be jumping with him, and have their arms around him to keep him safe. Now, when I look out that same window doing dishes, I see the path going to that jump and the ramp itself growing all up in grass---it just makes my heart so sad to see that, so now instead of saying a little prayer for Taylor, I say a little prayer for myself, that God will just come a little closer and hold my hand for awhile.
Memorial day weekend----what would make this a hard first? I really never thought too much about this holiday, and no it was not nearly as hard as some. Yes, we missed him terribly at the family picnic's. We were at Amber's last year and again this year we were at her place. We remembered where he was sitting what we talked about, Amber said I remember talking with him in the kitchen, then when we were outside standing by his truck, we were teasing him about his truck and all the funny stickers he had on it, we looked at some pictures, but I think it was the element of life's uncertainty that struck me the most. Almost every memorial day Diane and I would make a trip to the cemetery, which in those days that was the only time I ever went through out the year. We would walk around looking at the new graves, and so often would say, who do you think will be next, or even who do you think will be first in our families---last year we even said, just think we will be buried out here somewhere, just where do you think that will be--just one year later we all know where that is going to be. We never in our wildest dreams thought that taylor would be first. He was so young, so full of life, and we thought so much time to live, but in all reality he only had 2 in half months----in our minds, his time table was just at the beginning, but we were clueless to God's time table, which was almost to the end. This year when I went out to the cemetery, I just knelt by tay's grave and found myself saying, tay, what are you doing out here, you are not suppose to be here-----but as I looked up into the sky, I knew I was once again in my own time table, but God's ways are so much higher and bigger than ours---I said, yes, God I know you are in control of all of this---You understand my breaking heart, and will be my Rock.
The weekend of the 22nd, Diane and I went back to mom's, Ron was there from Florida visiting. In fact, Warren and Dawn were there too. We could not remember the last time all us kids were home visiting mom and dad all at once---God truly blessed that weekend. Ron is always encouraging to talk with. Ron made a comment to me that I found real comfort in. He said, just remember, you are just one heart beat away from Taylor. I know to some that may sound like I am wishing for death, I am not, it just makes me feel close to Taylor. It makes him not feel so far away. There were so many staying at mom's that we decided that some of us would go stay at the nursing home apartments----the same ones we stayed in the night of Taylor's accident . I said, there are just too many horrible memories for me to stay there, but Diane thought she could, and Bill and Dawn went with her. I went along to help them take their stuff---I was sorta shocked at all the emotions that hit me full in the face when I walked through the door. As we rode the elevator down to the rooms, my mind went racing back to that night. As we walked into the bedroom, my body wanted to take to shaking. It is amazing how a smell can trigger so many memories. I think the smell of that room almost provoked more memories that actually seeing it, but the more I stood there looking around the memories did start to flood back even faster. I remembered how my cell phone was laying on the floor by my bed and how it started ringing so early Sunday morning with several close friends leaving heart wrenching messages----how Diane and I just laid in bed, saying very little, except---we will never get through this------as we did not realize quite yet, that yes, we would never get through it by ourselves, but God was standing right there with us and getting ready to hold each of us in his arms. Then we went into the bathroom, I just stood there remembering how I walked into the bathroom that Sunday morning, just looking in the mirror and saying, This can't be happening----How can I ever live without Tay, he can not be truly gone, my heart was breaking into a million pieces---and then I walked out of the bathroom to find Brooke standing in the hall---that was the first time I think it really hit us that yes this is true--Taylor is gone----that was the first time since we heard about the accident that reality actually got past the fog of shock and hit our hearts. Brooke and I sobbed so hard we could barely stand up. As I stood there months later, I had to think, yes, all those memories came rushing back, and yes, they were as clear as if they were happening right then, yes, I could stand there and feel the extreme pain, but I could also see the power of God. He brought us down a very rough and steep valley, but He is slowly bring us through. I had one more first to get through, and I was rather dreading it. I had to go back to the Forrest Church--- No, the church did not have bad memories, in fact I love the people there---many I have known all my life, alot of my relation goes there-----it was more along the line of--can I go and not be a puddle on the floor when they come up and hug me and are so kind to me. I thought if i could prepare myself somewhat then maybe I would be OK. Almost as soon as I walk into the door, Paul comes over to us and when he gets to me, he gives me a hug and says "this hurts does it," as tears start to flow down my cheeks---he knows all too well what I am feeling. He is just about to mark the second year anniversary of his 21 year old son that died of a brain tumor. I remembered talking with him in depth last summer in July about the death of his son, and just how horrible it was---he had to watch him die inch by inch, but little did I know that less than one month later I would understand his level of pain and grief a lot more clearly, more clearly than I ever wanted to know. After talking with him, I fought tears all morning, but had a continuous prayer on my heart---Please God just give me enough Grace to get through this day without sobbing on every body's shoulder. As I sat there through morning service I seen another friend that had lost a grandson a year or so earlier and knew she would be very hard to talk without sobbing. As I found out over the fellowship time at noon, it was very painful, but God did give me the Grace to not be a sobbing noodle. I did talk with the one that lost her grandson, and yes some tears were shed, but seen God was there through all the pain. I talked to a classmate of mine 23 years earlier she lost her 7 year old son---he was riding his bike and was hit by a car. She said I just want to tell you even though it has been 23 years, it really does not get any easier-----I am not sure how encouraging that was, but I think she probably meant there will always be moments that will hit a painful memory. Another lady, her son was also killed in an accident---I spent all my time talking to mothers' who have lost one of their children---I was shocked how many in that Forrest Congregation have had such grief and pain of losing a child. By the time I left church, yes, I felt drained, but seen that all of us had something in common besides our broken hearts---we all knew God was our life line and He would never let us go, we just had to hang on with both hands. Yes, I have had a lot of first, and they are all hard in different ways, but God does walk right with me. through each one. I think God wanted me to not loose sight of that thought, because just the other day when I was spending time with Him, I opened the devotional book--"Today in the Word" and was reading it when I came to the place I knew without a shadow of a doubt God was wanting to remind me of His presence. It said "God is near to you today. He knows you and your circumstances. He knows what you will do and say. He goes before you." Then the verse that went with it was Phi:4:4-9 which says "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understand, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" I could think--in everything give thanks---just how can i do that. I realized God was not expecting me to thank Him for what happened, but to just close my eyes and think on God's character, His faithfulness, just Be Still and Know that He is God---I can trust Him to carry my burdens, I can cast all my cares at His feet, and I know He has a perfect plan for me, and just let the perfect peace of God which transcends all understanding seep into my heart. Yes, this is easier said than done on some days, but I am trying to keep this verse on my heart every single day.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Nine months
Tay, I write about you so often, but today, I am going to write to you. Yesterday marked nine months that you left us. It seemed to be somewhat harder than some of the other anniversaries. I think it may be because it was not only nine long months since I have seen you, but it also landed on the same day of the week of your death (Sunday). My mind just keeps slipping back to that horrible night when your dad called and was sobbing into the phone saying that you were gone, that we lost our son. We couldn't leave mom's until the next morning, but i didn't sleep a wink, all I kept thinking was --this can't possibly be true---how will we ever get through this next few days. I did not begin to think how will life be with out you----that thought was so devastating, that my mind would not even let me go there----not yet anyway. I don't think I quite realized it yet, but Jesus was at this point picking me up into His arms and was going to be carrying me through a very long journey.
Tay, I miss you so much, your quirky little jokes, that could not help but make me laugh, the sound of your 4wheeler in the back yard---that was so much a part of who you were, seeing your truck come flying in the lane, with gravel spraying all over the yard, your clothes laying all over your bedroom floor even after i told you a hundred times to throw them in the wash, your little texts you sent me, which you so often signed--love ya, mommy, your little whispers in my ear "mom, can I borrow some money", which i never seen again :). Yes, sometimes, I just go sit in your room, just to feel closer to you. I have at times pulled out some of your shirts---ya the ones you never seemed to throw in the wash, and smell them. Your scent is still there on some of them---that cologne you so often would spray on. I am sad to say, the scent is getting much weaker and weaker, but if I breath real deep, I can faintly still smell it.
Tay, I went out to the site of where your accident happened, I want to tell you, Tay, your friends must visit there alot. You will never be forgotten, you are in their hearts forever. As I got out of the car and walked down by that rock, my breath caught in my throat---somebody had just in the last several weeks, because I visit here often, painted your racing number on that rock in bright red paint. Sometimes when I go, the grass is all trampled down, like many are walking down to that little creek that hold so many memories for a lot of kids. They keep flowers there all the time, some are real which are very pretty. As I sat there on Saturday afternoon, the wind was slightly blowing, the water was making that bubbling noise over the rocks, the birds were singing in the back round. At first, I felt such terrible sadness, my mind just kept playing out that night, how our lives were all changed in a matter of a split second. I just kept praying, God, I know you are with me, but could you just please in some way show me your presence---show me You are with me now. I sat there a while longer an instead of keep thinking of that night, my focus started to change to-- Tay, what might you be doing this very second. Are you walking and talking with Jesus as I am sitting by this creek, or are you sitting by the river that is crystal clear fishing, or maybe eating from the tree of life, or most likely riding a fourwheeler. I had to think, you have won the last battle here on earth, death---you now can see clearly all what i can only image. The longer I sat there more peaceful I became, no the sadness never left my heart, but I know you are in great Hands. God did give me His peace as i sat there, but I did not get any physical sign of His presence until the next day (Sunday). God has spoken so many times, in very difficult times through His song Amazing Grace---every time I hear it, I know that God is speaking to me--- saying----"Yes, I am right here with you---just hang onto me real tight. " Yesterday afternoon, I was downstairs and as I came up into the kitchen, I heard Amazing Grace starting to play on WCRF. The instant I heard it, the Spirit popped into my mind saying, "remember yesterday when you wanted to see My presence, here is your sign." I stood there and listened to every word, even though I have heard it many times----I knew God was speaking straight to my heart---So, Tay, yes, I do have sadness in my heart, but only because I miss you so much---but know that Jesus is taking very good care of me. I do rejoice that you don't have the troubles of this world to have to deal with anymore----that you are safely home. I mourn more for myself than for you----Our hope of heaven is now your promise fulfilled---you are already there. The other morning when I got up, I decided that instead of mourning my losses, I would try to praise God for His faithfulness all day, because truly I have many reasons to be thankful. In my quiet time that day, God gave me the verse 1John 3:1 "How great is the love the Father has lavished on me, that I should be called a child of God."
Last week, Tay, I did another really hard thing----another first. I had prayed really hard that Jesus would go with me, and I am sure He did, but still it was one of the hardest things I did yet. I went back into Gilliman's for a visitation---ya, there was the first time I saw your very still body, so lifeless and cold---everywhere I looked, brought back those horrible memories, even Mr. Gillian's face was marked with memories. I know Jesus was holding me up, because without His strength, I am sure I would have been a puddle on the floor. Everything in that place, screams memories, the hallway to that terrible room almost made me start to shake, even the couch screamed pain. I know Tay, you do not want us to be sad, and some days, we can even remember all the crazy things you said and did and laugh. One of your friends came and visited me yesterday---just want you to know, you touched her life in a very profound way---she is now running the race for Jesus and telling her friends about Him.
Brooke and I sometimes just go out to your grave site---ya, we know you are not there, but that is the closes we can get to you on this earth. We sometimes just stand there in complete silence, each in our own thoughts----we look at your picture we have of you out there and both say, we can not believe this is really our reality. Our minds slips back to that day we all stood around your casket with our hearts breaking into a million pieces, and realized we have healed some since that day. No the pieces will never be all put back together again, until we all reach Heaven's shores and we are reunited. I realized God picked you to use to touch so many lives---God was doing a work in you since the day you were born, so on this Aug 16th 2009, He could touch the hearts of so many---I pray each one will continue to let God work in their hearts. Some have told me they were going back to church, some have said, it all makes me believe there really is a Heaven and a God, some have said I have given my heart completely to God. I also realize God used your death in teaching not only your friends, but also each one of your family members different things He wanted us to see and learn. I have learned to trust, believe and truly hand on to God with both hands and know that He will carry me through anything. He will give me just enough, never too little or even too much Grace for the exact moment I am living in. Your death has truly taught me what it is like to know there is no one or anywhere to run to in a time of extreme devastation except into the arm's of Jesus. I am sure you already know, but the best gift of all, is that through your death, Spencer has given his heart to Jesus. I have seen him grow closer and closer to Him day by day. God truly knew what He was doing that night, even though on bad days, I can still feel like-- God, I do not understand why You have allowed this terrible tragedy to happen, but I usually will end with-----I am willing to follow You through it----because I truly know in my heart of hearts God knows what is best for me.
Tay, I will always love you with all my heart----yes, a tear or two will most likely slid down my cheeks when I think of all the losses, but know I am trusting God with my heart and know some day soon, we will be together and all of this will be a distant memory and none of it will matter anymore. Love, Mom
Tay, I miss you so much, your quirky little jokes, that could not help but make me laugh, the sound of your 4wheeler in the back yard---that was so much a part of who you were, seeing your truck come flying in the lane, with gravel spraying all over the yard, your clothes laying all over your bedroom floor even after i told you a hundred times to throw them in the wash, your little texts you sent me, which you so often signed--love ya, mommy, your little whispers in my ear "mom, can I borrow some money", which i never seen again :). Yes, sometimes, I just go sit in your room, just to feel closer to you. I have at times pulled out some of your shirts---ya the ones you never seemed to throw in the wash, and smell them. Your scent is still there on some of them---that cologne you so often would spray on. I am sad to say, the scent is getting much weaker and weaker, but if I breath real deep, I can faintly still smell it.
Tay, I went out to the site of where your accident happened, I want to tell you, Tay, your friends must visit there alot. You will never be forgotten, you are in their hearts forever. As I got out of the car and walked down by that rock, my breath caught in my throat---somebody had just in the last several weeks, because I visit here often, painted your racing number on that rock in bright red paint. Sometimes when I go, the grass is all trampled down, like many are walking down to that little creek that hold so many memories for a lot of kids. They keep flowers there all the time, some are real which are very pretty. As I sat there on Saturday afternoon, the wind was slightly blowing, the water was making that bubbling noise over the rocks, the birds were singing in the back round. At first, I felt such terrible sadness, my mind just kept playing out that night, how our lives were all changed in a matter of a split second. I just kept praying, God, I know you are with me, but could you just please in some way show me your presence---show me You are with me now. I sat there a while longer an instead of keep thinking of that night, my focus started to change to-- Tay, what might you be doing this very second. Are you walking and talking with Jesus as I am sitting by this creek, or are you sitting by the river that is crystal clear fishing, or maybe eating from the tree of life, or most likely riding a fourwheeler. I had to think, you have won the last battle here on earth, death---you now can see clearly all what i can only image. The longer I sat there more peaceful I became, no the sadness never left my heart, but I know you are in great Hands. God did give me His peace as i sat there, but I did not get any physical sign of His presence until the next day (Sunday). God has spoken so many times, in very difficult times through His song Amazing Grace---every time I hear it, I know that God is speaking to me--- saying----"Yes, I am right here with you---just hang onto me real tight. " Yesterday afternoon, I was downstairs and as I came up into the kitchen, I heard Amazing Grace starting to play on WCRF. The instant I heard it, the Spirit popped into my mind saying, "remember yesterday when you wanted to see My presence, here is your sign." I stood there and listened to every word, even though I have heard it many times----I knew God was speaking straight to my heart---So, Tay, yes, I do have sadness in my heart, but only because I miss you so much---but know that Jesus is taking very good care of me. I do rejoice that you don't have the troubles of this world to have to deal with anymore----that you are safely home. I mourn more for myself than for you----Our hope of heaven is now your promise fulfilled---you are already there. The other morning when I got up, I decided that instead of mourning my losses, I would try to praise God for His faithfulness all day, because truly I have many reasons to be thankful. In my quiet time that day, God gave me the verse 1John 3:1 "How great is the love the Father has lavished on me, that I should be called a child of God."
Last week, Tay, I did another really hard thing----another first. I had prayed really hard that Jesus would go with me, and I am sure He did, but still it was one of the hardest things I did yet. I went back into Gilliman's for a visitation---ya, there was the first time I saw your very still body, so lifeless and cold---everywhere I looked, brought back those horrible memories, even Mr. Gillian's face was marked with memories. I know Jesus was holding me up, because without His strength, I am sure I would have been a puddle on the floor. Everything in that place, screams memories, the hallway to that terrible room almost made me start to shake, even the couch screamed pain. I know Tay, you do not want us to be sad, and some days, we can even remember all the crazy things you said and did and laugh. One of your friends came and visited me yesterday---just want you to know, you touched her life in a very profound way---she is now running the race for Jesus and telling her friends about Him.
Brooke and I sometimes just go out to your grave site---ya, we know you are not there, but that is the closes we can get to you on this earth. We sometimes just stand there in complete silence, each in our own thoughts----we look at your picture we have of you out there and both say, we can not believe this is really our reality. Our minds slips back to that day we all stood around your casket with our hearts breaking into a million pieces, and realized we have healed some since that day. No the pieces will never be all put back together again, until we all reach Heaven's shores and we are reunited. I realized God picked you to use to touch so many lives---God was doing a work in you since the day you were born, so on this Aug 16th 2009, He could touch the hearts of so many---I pray each one will continue to let God work in their hearts. Some have told me they were going back to church, some have said, it all makes me believe there really is a Heaven and a God, some have said I have given my heart completely to God. I also realize God used your death in teaching not only your friends, but also each one of your family members different things He wanted us to see and learn. I have learned to trust, believe and truly hand on to God with both hands and know that He will carry me through anything. He will give me just enough, never too little or even too much Grace for the exact moment I am living in. Your death has truly taught me what it is like to know there is no one or anywhere to run to in a time of extreme devastation except into the arm's of Jesus. I am sure you already know, but the best gift of all, is that through your death, Spencer has given his heart to Jesus. I have seen him grow closer and closer to Him day by day. God truly knew what He was doing that night, even though on bad days, I can still feel like-- God, I do not understand why You have allowed this terrible tragedy to happen, but I usually will end with-----I am willing to follow You through it----because I truly know in my heart of hearts God knows what is best for me.
Tay, I will always love you with all my heart----yes, a tear or two will most likely slid down my cheeks when I think of all the losses, but know I am trusting God with my heart and know some day soon, we will be together and all of this will be a distant memory and none of it will matter anymore. Love, Mom
Monday, May 10, 2010
Mother's day
Yesterday was another first----but found it not nearly as hard as his birthday or Christmas, thankfully. Yes, his absent was certainly felt, but then that is true of every day. I love the way God has His very special ways of showing His presence and love for me. Yesterday in church, they spent most of the service talking about mothers and how very important they are in the home---one very important job is to instill scripture into the minds of their children. Looking back, I wish I would have done more of that, because as I found out once you memorize scripture, you never forget it, oh I may not be able to remember it word for word, but I never forget the major point that scripture is making. If anyone would ever ask me what was the one thing that helped me most through my journey of grief, I would say without a shallow of a doubt it was scripture that I had memorized, because no matter where I was---in the middle of the night, out getting groceries, or driving down the road, when great waves of grief hit, I can instantly start to repeat these promises to God--they become a prayer in my heart---maybe not instantly, but sooner or later, a great peace will come over me and I can feel God right beside me. Back to yesterday in church, as a gift to the mother's they had all the guys in church go up front and sing a couple of songs. I could not believe it when they sang "Amazing Grace"----it was absolutely beautiful with all those men's voices blending together---but besides being beautiful, it was also a gift from God. That is the song that God has spoken to me in many sad and dark hours of this journey. Whenever I hear that song, I know God is speaking to me. It was like He was saying, I am right here with you holding your hand and helping you through another first.
The kids took Jeff and I out for dinner to celebrate Mother's day----We had a nice time, but that was when Taylor's absent was felt the most. Even though, we talked and had some laughs, it was ever present in my mind that he was not there. He was always the "clown" of the family. He had a unique sense of humor--always bring a smile to your face, even on a bad day. I have only seen a truck exactly like his twice since his death, and after we were done eating and driving home, we see one just like his. I had to catch my breath---each time I have seen one like his, my heart jumps, just for an instant I think it is him. None of us say a word, we all seen it driving right by us. Finally, I say----What do you think Taylor is doing today? I am sure he is having a feast all of his own. God was telling us, Taylor is with you, just not physically, but definitely in our hearts forever.
Something I want to share---on a day that I needed encouragement last week, God had a friend of Taylor's send me this-I believe God was trying to tell me once again---I know this is hard, but I do have a plan. She wrote" I thought the dreams were over with, I didn't think Taylor would ever come visit me in my dreams again. In the dream-He and I were in his truck talking about how I didn't want him to go on that ride, we both knew what was going to happen. I was begging him not to do it. He looked right at me and told me he had to, it was in the plans and he wasn't scared at all. He touched my arms and was trying to tell me it was okay. I think in my dream Taylor wasn't afraid of what was gonna happen, he was scared of making anyone sad. Dreams like that make me believe there is a God and a Heaven". I thought, WOW! God was not only talking to me, but He was talking to this friend too. I felt God was telling me to keep my focus on Him and remember He has an ultimate plan---no mistakes , and telling this friend to believe in God and what He has for her, also an ultimate plan. Another thing I have discovered on this bumpy journey of grief is-- God actually is talking with us all the time if we are listening closely we will hear him. He truly is never far away, but it is so easy to get wrapped up in our circumstances , and miss this still small voice.
Just like last night, I wasn't in a terribly deep pit, but coming through another first just sort of feeling sad, missing Taylor's presence, his voice, his famous little grin, his crazy jokes, I picked up the book "Roses in December". It is about a mother that lost her 17 year old son in a car accident. It was like God was once again reminding me of something He has told me over and over again---almost the first thing I read in this book (I will put my name in beside the mom's) This is what she felt God was telling her through a verse very soon after Nate was killed " While I knew Nate(Taylor )being only seventeen (20) died before his time. I also felt God was saying to me, Marilyn (Deb), it wasn't an accident. I wasn't on vacation the night Nate (Taylor) died. I knew about it before it happened. Marilyn (Deb), I am taking him away from something worse. He is with Me and he is doing fine". I felt a real peace come over me, and knew it was that small still voice talking to me again. Just knowing that God loves me and cares about my every tear doesn't take the hurt away, but it does make the hurt more bearable. I know when I am hurting and crying, Jesus is hurting too. That is why Jesus is my very best friend. He is always there and knows just what to say that will help ease the pain.
Amber sent me this poem, -again---I am sure God brought it to her attention, and whispered in her ear that she should send it to me---and yes, when I got it, i did cry a tear or two for Taylor, and also a few for the great love I feel from God, family and the people God has brought into my life.
Child Loaned
"I'll lend you for a little time
A child of Mine." He said,
"For you to love while he lives,
And mourn for when he's dead,
It may be six or seven years
Or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call back
Take care of him for Me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you
And should his stay be brief
You'll have his lovely memories
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all from Earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there,
I want this child to learn,
I've looked this wide world over
In my search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
I have selected you:
Now will you give him all your love,
Nor think the labour vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call
And take him back again?
I fancied that I heard them say,
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done,
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,
For the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've know,
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him
Much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand."
I am so glad God picked me to be his mom, even if it was for a short 20 years. God truly did just loan him to me---- we have that promise of being united again!!!
The kids took Jeff and I out for dinner to celebrate Mother's day----We had a nice time, but that was when Taylor's absent was felt the most. Even though, we talked and had some laughs, it was ever present in my mind that he was not there. He was always the "clown" of the family. He had a unique sense of humor--always bring a smile to your face, even on a bad day. I have only seen a truck exactly like his twice since his death, and after we were done eating and driving home, we see one just like his. I had to catch my breath---each time I have seen one like his, my heart jumps, just for an instant I think it is him. None of us say a word, we all seen it driving right by us. Finally, I say----What do you think Taylor is doing today? I am sure he is having a feast all of his own. God was telling us, Taylor is with you, just not physically, but definitely in our hearts forever.
Something I want to share---on a day that I needed encouragement last week, God had a friend of Taylor's send me this-I believe God was trying to tell me once again---I know this is hard, but I do have a plan. She wrote" I thought the dreams were over with, I didn't think Taylor would ever come visit me in my dreams again. In the dream-He and I were in his truck talking about how I didn't want him to go on that ride, we both knew what was going to happen. I was begging him not to do it. He looked right at me and told me he had to, it was in the plans and he wasn't scared at all. He touched my arms and was trying to tell me it was okay. I think in my dream Taylor wasn't afraid of what was gonna happen, he was scared of making anyone sad. Dreams like that make me believe there is a God and a Heaven". I thought, WOW! God was not only talking to me, but He was talking to this friend too. I felt God was telling me to keep my focus on Him and remember He has an ultimate plan---no mistakes , and telling this friend to believe in God and what He has for her, also an ultimate plan. Another thing I have discovered on this bumpy journey of grief is-- God actually is talking with us all the time if we are listening closely we will hear him. He truly is never far away, but it is so easy to get wrapped up in our circumstances , and miss this still small voice.
Just like last night, I wasn't in a terribly deep pit, but coming through another first just sort of feeling sad, missing Taylor's presence, his voice, his famous little grin, his crazy jokes, I picked up the book "Roses in December". It is about a mother that lost her 17 year old son in a car accident. It was like God was once again reminding me of something He has told me over and over again---almost the first thing I read in this book (I will put my name in beside the mom's) This is what she felt God was telling her through a verse very soon after Nate was killed " While I knew Nate(Taylor )being only seventeen (20) died before his time. I also felt God was saying to me, Marilyn (Deb), it wasn't an accident. I wasn't on vacation the night Nate (Taylor) died. I knew about it before it happened. Marilyn (Deb), I am taking him away from something worse. He is with Me and he is doing fine". I felt a real peace come over me, and knew it was that small still voice talking to me again. Just knowing that God loves me and cares about my every tear doesn't take the hurt away, but it does make the hurt more bearable. I know when I am hurting and crying, Jesus is hurting too. That is why Jesus is my very best friend. He is always there and knows just what to say that will help ease the pain.
Amber sent me this poem, -again---I am sure God brought it to her attention, and whispered in her ear that she should send it to me---and yes, when I got it, i did cry a tear or two for Taylor, and also a few for the great love I feel from God, family and the people God has brought into my life.
Child Loaned
"I'll lend you for a little time
A child of Mine." He said,
"For you to love while he lives,
And mourn for when he's dead,
It may be six or seven years
Or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call back
Take care of him for Me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you
And should his stay be brief
You'll have his lovely memories
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all from Earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there,
I want this child to learn,
I've looked this wide world over
In my search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
I have selected you:
Now will you give him all your love,
Nor think the labour vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call
And take him back again?
I fancied that I heard them say,
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done,
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,
For the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've know,
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him
Much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand."
I am so glad God picked me to be his mom, even if it was for a short 20 years. God truly did just loan him to me---- we have that promise of being united again!!!
Monday, April 26, 2010
A Tough Weekend!
I wish I could say I was in a better place today, but I feel just about like the weather--rainy and dreary. In a book I am reading it says "you never get over grief; you get use to it" I am thinking will I ever get "use" to it. How will that feel?? I know we should be getting a tombstone for Taylor, but that turned out to be much harder than I thought. Diane and i went Friday ( a beautiful sunny day) over to Creston cemetery to see if there were any we liked. We did find one that would "fit" Taylor----we took pic's of several to show Jeff and the kids. We even decided what and how we wanted it engraved. I could not help but keep thinking, we should not be doing this---I should not be here trying to decided this---this is something you do for your parents, not for your kids. Anyway, we took the company name of some of these stones so we could come home and look them up on line. We went to Diane's and did just that. I was not ready for what that looked like. Their showroom was filled with tombstones---I guess you walk around and pick out what you like----it reminded so much of the day we were in at Gillman's walking around picking out his casket----all those memories came flooding back----We never made any calls to the place, I realized it was going to be much harder to actually go do this than I ever thought. I know this is crazy, but it just makes it all so very final. The very last thing I will ever buy for Taylor. On the way home, I went out to the cemetery and just stood by his grave trying to visualize what that tombstone was going to look like, I crumbled into tears thinking this isn't right---this is not the way it is suppose to be---I came home and just put the camera away with the pics on it, thinking I can't do this right now. I didn't show any of them the pics, but did tell them where I was and what I had done---they must not be ready either, not a one asked to see the pics.
Saturday evening I was here by myself, and heard the emergency squad siren, and now especially since Taylor, i always say a little prayer for whoever is in need of help. Never did I think it was right down the road from us and it was one of Taylor's very good friends. When I seen his car, it was quite obvious that God had His protective angels around him. He walked away without a scratch. The way the car looked, he could have very easily been killed. I have to admit, I felt my first pang of real anger at God---I wanted to scream---where were Taylor's protective angels that night, You could have so very easily thrown Taylor up on the bank like the other kid, why did he have to land on that rock.
Ok, yes, this has been a tough weekend, but God will lift me up again. He has been so faithful, He will not let me alone, even if I don't feel Him right beside me---I know He is there anyway. I do know in my heart---Taylor's work was finished---God knows what He is doing--remember no mistakes with God-- knowing that is a comfort, but have to say it does not make it hurt any less. I was listening to Chip Imgram and what he said is so very true, but sometimes so very hard to do. Joy is focusing on God and what you can't see which are eternal, instead of focusing on circumstances and what you can see, which are earthly. I know God is always Good and I will choose to worship Him even in the times of great hurt. God will meet me right where I am, just like He knew where my heart was yesterday in church. What does He have us sing---How Great Thou Art. That was a song sang at Taylor's funeral---ya, i cried all the way through---but God was saying I know you are hurting, but I am right here beside you. I will admit this is a hard journey, but God has chosen to put me here, I just pray that His Name can be Glorified and He will keep me from drowning. Some days like today, I feel I am under water gasping for air and choking for each breathe, but know that God will not let me drown. He has given me a life Jacket--Jesus to hang on to.
Saturday evening I was here by myself, and heard the emergency squad siren, and now especially since Taylor, i always say a little prayer for whoever is in need of help. Never did I think it was right down the road from us and it was one of Taylor's very good friends. When I seen his car, it was quite obvious that God had His protective angels around him. He walked away without a scratch. The way the car looked, he could have very easily been killed. I have to admit, I felt my first pang of real anger at God---I wanted to scream---where were Taylor's protective angels that night, You could have so very easily thrown Taylor up on the bank like the other kid, why did he have to land on that rock.
Ok, yes, this has been a tough weekend, but God will lift me up again. He has been so faithful, He will not let me alone, even if I don't feel Him right beside me---I know He is there anyway. I do know in my heart---Taylor's work was finished---God knows what He is doing--remember no mistakes with God-- knowing that is a comfort, but have to say it does not make it hurt any less. I was listening to Chip Imgram and what he said is so very true, but sometimes so very hard to do. Joy is focusing on God and what you can't see which are eternal, instead of focusing on circumstances and what you can see, which are earthly. I know God is always Good and I will choose to worship Him even in the times of great hurt. God will meet me right where I am, just like He knew where my heart was yesterday in church. What does He have us sing---How Great Thou Art. That was a song sang at Taylor's funeral---ya, i cried all the way through---but God was saying I know you are hurting, but I am right here beside you. I will admit this is a hard journey, but God has chosen to put me here, I just pray that His Name can be Glorified and He will keep me from drowning. Some days like today, I feel I am under water gasping for air and choking for each breathe, but know that God will not let me drown. He has given me a life Jacket--Jesus to hang on to.
Monday, April 19, 2010
God as my Compass
Again, it is a quite Monday morning---all in school or work. Part of me loves this time---it is a time I can spend with just me and God--alone together, but another part is not all that crazy about being here in the house all by myself---my mind wants to keep going back to memories. I know memories can be good and they are all I have of Taylor, but they can be so extremely painful. It was eight months on Friday. It seems so very long since I have seen him, talked with him, gave him a hug all very painful thoughts, but I can also think----Just what are you doing today, Taylor---Are you walking, and talking with Jesus right now, what are the streets of gold like to walk on---what is it like to finally see through the glass clearly, and no longer have to just imagine what heaven is like? What is it like to worship our Lord in person? I miss you so much--do you miss us even half as much as we miss you---oh, i know you don't, because that would bring pain, and Jesus told us there will be no more tears, and pain in heaven--no more good-bye's. Just know, I am looking forward to the day that i can give you a big hug again and we can talk with Jesus together---walk the streets of gold, and sit under the Tree of Life, put our feet into the river--let the warm breeze blow in our faces, no more stress, heartaches, or tears. Oh, what a day of rejoicing that will be.
I had to think, grief is like a storm---or I guess, I should say more like a tornado, it can be upon you so quickly, leave terrible devastation within a matter of seconds---one minute everything feels "normal" and the next you look around and see your life is in shattered pieces laying at your feet. Since tornado's like grief will not hit everybody around you, it just touches down in spots, so it can make you feel very much alone, unless you have been hit by this tornado, you really can't relate, or maybe you can relate to some degree, but really only imagine what it might feel like to have your life shattered so quickly. Where do you start to even pick up all the shattered piece? You know there is no way it is possible, so you just sit in the middle of it all and pleaded for help from God. God becomes your compass. I am completely directionally challenged---the only way I know east from west is the way the sun moves----north and south---since there is no sun to direct that---I am clueless. We have a vehicle with a compass built into it and the other day I was going somewhere that I knew or thought I knew just how to get there. i knew it was west and south. The thing I was not expecting was all the closed roads, which I thought I still could find it. Some time later, I happened to glance at the compass and noticed it said I was going east. I thought that was strange, but thought maybe the compass was not working right, because not once did I feel like I made any turns that had me go in completely the wrong direction---but since I realized I am so challenged with directions, i thought maybe, just maybe the compass was right and made some turns to start going west again----guess who was right--me or the compass??? Anyway, it made me think----all the closed roads are the troubles, trials that God allows into my life--they detour us--they take us down roads we had no intentions or planning on traveling----they are all for a reason---just like the closed roads were for a reason--maybe fixing a bridge, or something like that---but I could not see the reason, only had to believe it was impassible---but I was not keeping my eye on the compass because I thought I knew the next best road to take----but in all reality I was getting more lost and off course. Just like when I take my eyes off Jesus---I lose focus,--I am getting more depressed, feeling sorry for myself---ya know---why our family---why Taylor----I just want it all back to the way it was before Aug. 16th. But until I focused on that compass and got my vehicle going in the right direction----I was getting more frustrated by the minute, but as soon as I started heading the right direction, everything started to fall into place, and the frustration left---same as when I get my eyes back focused on Jesus----I start to feel His peace again and know I am not alone---He is right there beside me being my compass which will lead me safely home.
After the weekend with the kids here, and quite time is in small quantity (which I am not complaining, I love it), as I sat down with Jesus today, I prayed please show me what You want me to see and Know about you today----I opened to Nehemiah and the first thing I seen was 1:5-"O God of heaven, the great and awesome God------vs 6 let your ear be attentive and your eyes open to hear the prayer your servant is praying before you day and night."i thought, yes that is exactly my prayer---God went on to show me in the "In Touch" devotional that pursuing Jesus with a passion requires sacrifice and we often learn to really know Him through suffering. Yes, salvation is a free gift that Jesus gave us because of His great love for us, but intimacy with God is often a costly process, but the rewards are invaluable and we get to take them to heaven with us---they are eternal. Can I remember this on really bad days???? The pain is so deep and hurts so much, but God does nothing without a reason----even if I can't understand it now, I just have to believe and trust----yes, some days easier said than done----on those days, I am looking frantically for my compass (Jesus)---I know He will bring peace and comfort back into my soul. I wish I could say once I crawl back into Jesus's arms, I would stay there, but I don't---. Yes, I have gotten to Know Jesus on a completely different level----like Paul says in Phil 3:9 "Righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. 10 I want to know Christ and the power of His Resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death." So what was God opening my eyes to today?--Each time we go through trials and suffering, God is bring us closer to Him and refining us. We are developing a deeper more personal relationship with Him. I sat here and thought if God gave me the choice to go back to the way it was before Aug 16 and not have the relationship I have developed with Him that came from all the pain of losing Taylor, ----or would I stay where God has brought me thus far----and all the pain and suffering that came from losing Taylor???? I am going to be real honest---I really don't know----the pain is still very deep and the wound is still bleeding most of the time and some days I want nothing more than to have Taylor back with us. On other days, I can feel, or sometimes I just have to remember what it felt like to be carried in the arms of Jesus---when He spoke so clearly to my spirit---when He became my Great Comforter---just like He was standing in my kitchen---His Grace was so clearly being given----it was like I was walking hand and hand with Him. So, some days, I would say with a very shaky "yes", i will stay where God has brought me, but other days, I am not so sure. The one thing I am absolutely sure of, is the day I can lay the armor down here on earth and step over into eternity with Jesus and Taylor, I will know without a shallow of a doubt it was all worth it, even though all the pain and suffering.
I had to think, grief is like a storm---or I guess, I should say more like a tornado, it can be upon you so quickly, leave terrible devastation within a matter of seconds---one minute everything feels "normal" and the next you look around and see your life is in shattered pieces laying at your feet. Since tornado's like grief will not hit everybody around you, it just touches down in spots, so it can make you feel very much alone, unless you have been hit by this tornado, you really can't relate, or maybe you can relate to some degree, but really only imagine what it might feel like to have your life shattered so quickly. Where do you start to even pick up all the shattered piece? You know there is no way it is possible, so you just sit in the middle of it all and pleaded for help from God. God becomes your compass. I am completely directionally challenged---the only way I know east from west is the way the sun moves----north and south---since there is no sun to direct that---I am clueless. We have a vehicle with a compass built into it and the other day I was going somewhere that I knew or thought I knew just how to get there. i knew it was west and south. The thing I was not expecting was all the closed roads, which I thought I still could find it. Some time later, I happened to glance at the compass and noticed it said I was going east. I thought that was strange, but thought maybe the compass was not working right, because not once did I feel like I made any turns that had me go in completely the wrong direction---but since I realized I am so challenged with directions, i thought maybe, just maybe the compass was right and made some turns to start going west again----guess who was right--me or the compass??? Anyway, it made me think----all the closed roads are the troubles, trials that God allows into my life--they detour us--they take us down roads we had no intentions or planning on traveling----they are all for a reason---just like the closed roads were for a reason--maybe fixing a bridge, or something like that---but I could not see the reason, only had to believe it was impassible---but I was not keeping my eye on the compass because I thought I knew the next best road to take----but in all reality I was getting more lost and off course. Just like when I take my eyes off Jesus---I lose focus,--I am getting more depressed, feeling sorry for myself---ya know---why our family---why Taylor----I just want it all back to the way it was before Aug. 16th. But until I focused on that compass and got my vehicle going in the right direction----I was getting more frustrated by the minute, but as soon as I started heading the right direction, everything started to fall into place, and the frustration left---same as when I get my eyes back focused on Jesus----I start to feel His peace again and know I am not alone---He is right there beside me being my compass which will lead me safely home.
After the weekend with the kids here, and quite time is in small quantity (which I am not complaining, I love it), as I sat down with Jesus today, I prayed please show me what You want me to see and Know about you today----I opened to Nehemiah and the first thing I seen was 1:5-"O God of heaven, the great and awesome God------vs 6 let your ear be attentive and your eyes open to hear the prayer your servant is praying before you day and night."i thought, yes that is exactly my prayer---God went on to show me in the "In Touch" devotional that pursuing Jesus with a passion requires sacrifice and we often learn to really know Him through suffering. Yes, salvation is a free gift that Jesus gave us because of His great love for us, but intimacy with God is often a costly process, but the rewards are invaluable and we get to take them to heaven with us---they are eternal. Can I remember this on really bad days???? The pain is so deep and hurts so much, but God does nothing without a reason----even if I can't understand it now, I just have to believe and trust----yes, some days easier said than done----on those days, I am looking frantically for my compass (Jesus)---I know He will bring peace and comfort back into my soul. I wish I could say once I crawl back into Jesus's arms, I would stay there, but I don't---. Yes, I have gotten to Know Jesus on a completely different level----like Paul says in Phil 3:9 "Righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. 10 I want to know Christ and the power of His Resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death." So what was God opening my eyes to today?--Each time we go through trials and suffering, God is bring us closer to Him and refining us. We are developing a deeper more personal relationship with Him. I sat here and thought if God gave me the choice to go back to the way it was before Aug 16 and not have the relationship I have developed with Him that came from all the pain of losing Taylor, ----or would I stay where God has brought me thus far----and all the pain and suffering that came from losing Taylor???? I am going to be real honest---I really don't know----the pain is still very deep and the wound is still bleeding most of the time and some days I want nothing more than to have Taylor back with us. On other days, I can feel, or sometimes I just have to remember what it felt like to be carried in the arms of Jesus---when He spoke so clearly to my spirit---when He became my Great Comforter---just like He was standing in my kitchen---His Grace was so clearly being given----it was like I was walking hand and hand with Him. So, some days, I would say with a very shaky "yes", i will stay where God has brought me, but other days, I am not so sure. The one thing I am absolutely sure of, is the day I can lay the armor down here on earth and step over into eternity with Jesus and Taylor, I will know without a shallow of a doubt it was all worth it, even though all the pain and suffering.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Hope
Spring break is over and all back to school. Brooke was in CA for a week, Spencer, Diane and I were out to see mom and dad. Warren and Dawn came home also. That is the first time we were all together at mom's since that fateful night. Just being in the house where it all began, has moments of terrible sadness, but over all it was a nice trip. I met Shirley for coffee one morning who's daughter-in-law had died three years ago and also her grandson died 3 1/2 years ago. Lisa (the daughter-in-law) had an illness and also wrote a blog. I remember reading her blog almost from the first day she wrote. I remember thinking this is such a sad story---she was so young, married had a little boy, but he also got an illness and died when he was six months old. But in all the sadness, i seen such love for Jesus in Lisa's life, and even though she was so young, and knew there where many many prayers going up for her very single day for healing, she would end each blog with "His Will be Done". It left such an impact on my heart, because almost anyone that young and so much to live for, would have prayed straight for healing, and yes, she wanted healing, but more than that she wanted God's Will to be Done----she knew His plan was perfect and He makes no mistakes, even if it meant her dying and leaving her young husband and family. She had faith that God would take care of them. She left footprints on my heart as I am sure she did many others with her testimony of faith. After talking with Shirley, I realized the pain will always be there---is it any less---I really don't think so---you try to learn to live with it. There will always be that big whole where they are suppose to be. Like she said the little boy would have been five and starting school next fall. She didn't say, but I can bet she looks at other little boys that age and thinks that is how old he would have been, and wonders what would he have been like, who would have been his friends. Not only is she hurting in losing two very special people in her life, but also hurting for her son which is dealing with two of the biggest loses in life. God is the only one that can bring the comfort that will help us get through each day of such tragedy.
I am realizing that there is not going to be any "magic" healing after I have experienced all the "first" milestones. Sometimes I can really get down thinking, is it always going to be like this? Will I ever get through it. I try to think but I can't remember what it felt like to have a "carefree" heart and not feel like I am carrying a hundred pound weigh around my neck every day. Just what would it feel like to go back to before August 15th even for one day. I thought it was interesting, well actually, I am sure it was God, but I was reading this morning in the 'In Touch Magazine" and they interviewed Stephen Curtis Chapman about the death of his daughter. Reading this makes me realize even more that it will never be easy, but God is going to get me through, He will be faithful to all of His promises. It has been 18 months for Curtis, and yes, there is healing, but the pain is still very deep a lot of the time. I can relate exactly to some of the things he says, He can pray and sing "God, I bless your name. You give; You take away. Blessed by the name of the Lord", "but then some days cry out Lord, I am breathing my last breath. I don't have any more strength to go on. I am going to be overtaken by this grief. This is going to destroy me. God, if You don't show up in some way soon, I don't know what it's going to look like. Also he says, the waves of grief hit like waves of an ocean when we least expect and knock us flat on our backs again. The reality is, we are not ever going to be out of the woods of grief until Jesus comes and takes us home. " Sometimes when I read about other people's journey of grief and see that yes, there is healing, but your heart will always be missing some very vital pieces---I wonder will I make it, or is it possible to die of a broken heart. Then I have to think God has given us the hope that I am going to see Taylor again. We all need hope to survive not matter what the circumstances. We probably really do not understand how important it is until we are desperate for it. I do believe that the more desperate i become for God the more He will reveal Himself to me. For what ever reason, God has chosen our family to carry this burden----but He does not only want us to carry it, He wants us to Glorify His Name in doing so. Yes, some days that is so hard, all I want to do is feel sorry for myself and say, I want it all back to the way it was---and God is saying---just hang on I will bring you through this, I am walking right along with you, and when you think you can't walk anymore, I will carry you. Remember I am the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, all is in my Hands-----Yes, I am sad today---but that is OK, I will just do like it says in Psalm 91:4---I will climb under God's wings--- "God will cover me with His feathers, and under His wings I will find refuge. His faithfulness will be my shield."
I am realizing that there is not going to be any "magic" healing after I have experienced all the "first" milestones. Sometimes I can really get down thinking, is it always going to be like this? Will I ever get through it. I try to think but I can't remember what it felt like to have a "carefree" heart and not feel like I am carrying a hundred pound weigh around my neck every day. Just what would it feel like to go back to before August 15th even for one day. I thought it was interesting, well actually, I am sure it was God, but I was reading this morning in the 'In Touch Magazine" and they interviewed Stephen Curtis Chapman about the death of his daughter. Reading this makes me realize even more that it will never be easy, but God is going to get me through, He will be faithful to all of His promises. It has been 18 months for Curtis, and yes, there is healing, but the pain is still very deep a lot of the time. I can relate exactly to some of the things he says, He can pray and sing "God, I bless your name. You give; You take away. Blessed by the name of the Lord", "but then some days cry out Lord, I am breathing my last breath. I don't have any more strength to go on. I am going to be overtaken by this grief. This is going to destroy me. God, if You don't show up in some way soon, I don't know what it's going to look like. Also he says, the waves of grief hit like waves of an ocean when we least expect and knock us flat on our backs again. The reality is, we are not ever going to be out of the woods of grief until Jesus comes and takes us home. " Sometimes when I read about other people's journey of grief and see that yes, there is healing, but your heart will always be missing some very vital pieces---I wonder will I make it, or is it possible to die of a broken heart. Then I have to think God has given us the hope that I am going to see Taylor again. We all need hope to survive not matter what the circumstances. We probably really do not understand how important it is until we are desperate for it. I do believe that the more desperate i become for God the more He will reveal Himself to me. For what ever reason, God has chosen our family to carry this burden----but He does not only want us to carry it, He wants us to Glorify His Name in doing so. Yes, some days that is so hard, all I want to do is feel sorry for myself and say, I want it all back to the way it was---and God is saying---just hang on I will bring you through this, I am walking right along with you, and when you think you can't walk anymore, I will carry you. Remember I am the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, all is in my Hands-----Yes, I am sad today---but that is OK, I will just do like it says in Psalm 91:4---I will climb under God's wings--- "God will cover me with His feathers, and under His wings I will find refuge. His faithfulness will be my shield."
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Taylor's birthday
As much as I dreaded Taylor's birthday, it is now over. Another milestone is passed, and we are still sitting in the palm of Jesus's hand. I got up on Thursday morning the day of Tay's birthday with a deep pain in my heart---I just kept thinking about the day 21 years before---how little and cute he was---he was so tiny they put a little green hat on him to keep his body temp up. A couple of days before his birthday, I decided to sit down and write a letter to Tay to read at the cemetery on his birthday. I knew I could probably not read it, because I was sobbing just writing it and when I tried to read it over just to see if I could, I ended up sobbing even harder---so knew it was going to be impossible for me to read it. Brooke thought she might be able to, but as time got closer to his birthday, she didn't think she could either, so I asked a good friend to read it. Spencer and Brooke decided that they would try going to school that morning. Spencer wore one of Tay's favorite shirts and Brooke wore the Famous Yamaha shirt with "In memory of Taylor Gasser" on the back. She knew it was going to be a tough day, but was hoping being busy at school might help, maybe even a little tiny bit would be a good thing. She said on the way to school----and as she drove past the high school there were all these tractor----and most of them red (Taylor's favorite kind). At first, she thought, are they doing this in Taylor's honor of this birthday-----because anybody that knew taylor knew he loved tractor's, but soon realized it was FFA days. By the time, she got to school, she was on the verge of tears and was hoping nobody would remember that it was taylor's birthday. She had a meeting first thing in the morning, but one look at her an Mr. Dreher knew what was going on and decided to cancel the meeting. By this time, her heart is aching so much, she can't take another minute and breaks down into tears. Mr. Dreher's heart is breaking for Brooke. He helps her through this breakdown and then for the rest of the day, the teachers all help her with the kids. They all showed great compassion for Brooke, but by the time she got home from school, she said I feel like I am just whipped, but knew we had some very hard things yet to get through. Spencer said his day was sad, but not as many people knew what the day was---the kids did not remember, or most likely most never ever knew it was his birthday, but one sweet girl, a friend of Spencer's put a plate of cookies in his locker with a note. I tried to keep busy---but it did not take much for me to have tears running down my cheeks. It was a warm sunny day, but very windy. I wanted to get balloons and tie them on his cross out at the cemetery, but afraid they would either burst or fly away before evening. April, Diane, Max, Morgan and I went to wooster to get balloons anyway, because we were all praying that the wind would die down before evening---power in pray, and we just felt God would answer it. I knew alot of people were praying for us, because I had asked almost everybody I knew to please pray for us that day. I felt, yes, the day would be very difficult to get through, but knew there is great power in prayer and I also knew that God would give us just the right amount of Grace to get through this very difficult day. This verse kept running through my mind all day, Isa. 40:31 "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles: they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."WOW--that verse was so true. Just like eagles, when a storm hits, an eagle sets its wings so that the wind will pick it up and lift it above the storm---while the storm is raging below, the eagle is soaring above it. The eagle does not escape the storm, but simple rises on the winds to be lifted higher. That is so much like God's Grace--I was soaring on the wings of God's Grace---lifted up above the tremendous grief of celebrating a birthday of a child that is not here. The winds are still very strong, but knew I would never survive if I was pulled right in the middle of the storm. Yes, God has allowed a grief-storm to enter my life, but He will give me His strength to rise above.
At 6:10 we leave for the cemetery, not knowing who or even how many of his friends are planning on coming. We get there finish tying the balloons on. As we stood there, we realized God answered our prayer---it is a beautiful evening. The sun is shining, the wind had completely died down. We barely get the balloons tied up and the cars and truck start coming up that long drive. I just stood there watching one after another pulling into the drive. It was very quiet as each one got out of their vehicles and walked over to his grave site. I hugged a few people and yes, there were tears, but could feel the prayers and support of all that were there. After about 20 minutes the last one pulled in---there were probably around 65 people there, some holding balloons, some brought flowers, but most of all they were there to support us. Jeff started it off with his voice cracking thanking everybody for coming and saying a few other things. Mark, and many others had on that same shirt that Brooke wore to school---in Taylor's memory---it just tore at my heart to see how these kids truly loved Taylor and are missing him just like the rest of us. Brittany read the poem she wrote in Tay's memory---it was so him, then Rebecca read the letter I wrote to Tay----yes, it was just as hard to listen to her read it as it was when I was reading it over at home---My heart is breaking because he isn't here to celebrate his birthday with all of his friends and family, but I just have to keep focusing on that he is celebrating big time in heaven-----maybe not his birthday, but celebrating and worshipping our Savior Jesus--not just today but every single day. Spencer spoke next---he told a memory about Taylor and himself----a trick Tay played on him last April 1st (April fools' day). Brooke spoke next---she just spoke from her heart. Mark said something that was so very true---when something bad happens---Taylor's death was definitely bad, but something very good can also happen---giving your heart to Jesus is the very best thing that can happen. Some of Taylor's friends then spoke and told some memories about him. Then Spencer lit the candle. We all just stood there watching it burn for a several seconds, before Rebecca had a prayer. As she was praying it was like Taylor was saying I am here too---because in the background we can hear a fourwheeler in the distance. After she is done, we all get our balloons , some write a message on them, some tape messages to them, then we all say happy birthday taylor and let them slide out of our hands. We all stand there in silence as they float up and away, but as they do somebody says look and here there were two jets that crossed paths and the white stream they let behind, made a cross in the sky----was that Jesus saying I know this is so painful, but I am here with you, and Taylor is being well taken care of? We all stood there watching the balloons float out of sight, then slowly everybody stared back to their cars. Brooke and I stayed awhile longer, just standing by tay's grave talking with each other and to Tay. We did look up into the sky and was watching the beautiful sun set God had given us this night. After the cemetery, we invited the kids all back to the fountain for a meal, so they could just sit and talk if they wanted. Again, I have to say Tay had a great bunch of kids as friends---actually, several of his friends planned the meal. As we pulled into the fountain, Brooke and I just stared at what was posted on the sign "In Memory of Taylor Gasser's 21st Birthday"----we just looked at each other and said, just how can this be true!!! Can't it just be a nightmare that went on all night, but in the morning we wake up and find it is not true---we could just go back to our old normal---we are so tired of this new normal, but realize that is never going to be.
I can't remember if Taylor's birthday fell on Easter weekend before or not, but it meant so much more this year than if it ever did before. I had to think---God gave His only Son---watched Him being flogged, spit on, and crucified---and Jesus endured it all---He understands pain--Yes, my heart can be filled with sorrow and pain that we lost Taylor so very young in life, but I can't even imagine what it would have been like if I had to watch him being beat, having big spikes pounded into his wrists, and ankles----and Jesus did it all for us----He was completely innocent---He did it because He loves us and wants us to spend eternity with Him----again God's Amazing Grace.
At 6:10 we leave for the cemetery, not knowing who or even how many of his friends are planning on coming. We get there finish tying the balloons on. As we stood there, we realized God answered our prayer---it is a beautiful evening. The sun is shining, the wind had completely died down. We barely get the balloons tied up and the cars and truck start coming up that long drive. I just stood there watching one after another pulling into the drive. It was very quiet as each one got out of their vehicles and walked over to his grave site. I hugged a few people and yes, there were tears, but could feel the prayers and support of all that were there. After about 20 minutes the last one pulled in---there were probably around 65 people there, some holding balloons, some brought flowers, but most of all they were there to support us. Jeff started it off with his voice cracking thanking everybody for coming and saying a few other things. Mark, and many others had on that same shirt that Brooke wore to school---in Taylor's memory---it just tore at my heart to see how these kids truly loved Taylor and are missing him just like the rest of us. Brittany read the poem she wrote in Tay's memory---it was so him, then Rebecca read the letter I wrote to Tay----yes, it was just as hard to listen to her read it as it was when I was reading it over at home---My heart is breaking because he isn't here to celebrate his birthday with all of his friends and family, but I just have to keep focusing on that he is celebrating big time in heaven-----maybe not his birthday, but celebrating and worshipping our Savior Jesus--not just today but every single day. Spencer spoke next---he told a memory about Taylor and himself----a trick Tay played on him last April 1st (April fools' day). Brooke spoke next---she just spoke from her heart. Mark said something that was so very true---when something bad happens---Taylor's death was definitely bad, but something very good can also happen---giving your heart to Jesus is the very best thing that can happen. Some of Taylor's friends then spoke and told some memories about him. Then Spencer lit the candle. We all just stood there watching it burn for a several seconds, before Rebecca had a prayer. As she was praying it was like Taylor was saying I am here too---because in the background we can hear a fourwheeler in the distance. After she is done, we all get our balloons , some write a message on them, some tape messages to them, then we all say happy birthday taylor and let them slide out of our hands. We all stand there in silence as they float up and away, but as they do somebody says look and here there were two jets that crossed paths and the white stream they let behind, made a cross in the sky----was that Jesus saying I know this is so painful, but I am here with you, and Taylor is being well taken care of? We all stood there watching the balloons float out of sight, then slowly everybody stared back to their cars. Brooke and I stayed awhile longer, just standing by tay's grave talking with each other and to Tay. We did look up into the sky and was watching the beautiful sun set God had given us this night. After the cemetery, we invited the kids all back to the fountain for a meal, so they could just sit and talk if they wanted. Again, I have to say Tay had a great bunch of kids as friends---actually, several of his friends planned the meal. As we pulled into the fountain, Brooke and I just stared at what was posted on the sign "In Memory of Taylor Gasser's 21st Birthday"----we just looked at each other and said, just how can this be true!!! Can't it just be a nightmare that went on all night, but in the morning we wake up and find it is not true---we could just go back to our old normal---we are so tired of this new normal, but realize that is never going to be.
I can't remember if Taylor's birthday fell on Easter weekend before or not, but it meant so much more this year than if it ever did before. I had to think---God gave His only Son---watched Him being flogged, spit on, and crucified---and Jesus endured it all---He understands pain--Yes, my heart can be filled with sorrow and pain that we lost Taylor so very young in life, but I can't even imagine what it would have been like if I had to watch him being beat, having big spikes pounded into his wrists, and ankles----and Jesus did it all for us----He was completely innocent---He did it because He loves us and wants us to spend eternity with Him----again God's Amazing Grace.
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