Need An Little Extra Prayers Today, Please!!

I am struggling today. When you read this, please say a little prayer for me--thanks. Today is the 3rd month anniversary of Taylor's death. I am feeling the extreme loss and loneliness. I think we all are.It seems like it has been forever since I have seen and talked with him. I was up in his room a little while ago and was going to take some of his shirts (not the t-shirts that he wore alot, but the polo shirts) and put them over on Spencer's side. They both wore the same size shirt. When I took out a couple of them, I got a whiff of his cologne. I could not help myself, I just had to bury my face in his shirt and breathe in his "smell" for awhile, but of course I could not help by sob. Even though, it makes my heart ache unbelievably bad, I just had to sit there and hold his shirt in my face. It is almost like I am holding him. I sometimes wonder will my heart ache forever. I am sure that it will, but it can't possibly ache like it does today forever, or I am sure I will die of a broken heart. Jeff had a really bad day yesterday. He just cried most of the day. I tried to ask him what made it so sad, but he just kept saying it is a very bad day----. I was talking with Brooke yesterday afternoon and she was asking me if I ever get anxiety feelings. I asked what do you mean, like anxiety about Taylor. She said yes, like I can be thinking about him, and am going to tell him something, and all at once it hits me in my heart that he is gone and never coming back--it almost makes me start to shake. I said, i have them all the time. Just like I can walk by his pile of work clothes and work boots in the basement ten times and the eleventh time I walk by, I can almost crumble to the floor in pain with the thought he is never going to wear them again, I am not going to ever see him on earth again. Spencer says he has the same thoughts and feelings. Brooke says she feels like she could pick up anything in sight and throw it as hard as she could and break as many things as possible. She is probably more in the stage of anger----. I really don't feel anger, well most of the time I don't, but I feel extreme sadness and loneliness. I think we all are getting a little anxious about the holidays fast approaching. One day, I was thinking how are we ever going to make it through the holidays, especially Christmas and as I was thinking this, on WCRF they were talking about God's Grace. They said don't think ahead and wonder how am I going to get through that day, because God has not given you the Grace for that day yet and when that day comes, God will be there to give the Grace you will need to make it. I try to hang onto that thought---God will give me the Grace to make it through the holidays without Taylor being with us.
I guess the best way to explain how I feel today is this. Imagine being outside in a strange place, a place I have never been and I am by yourself, well just me and God. Not only am I in a strange place, but it is pitch dark, can't even see my hand six inches in front of my face. I have my eyes open, but can not see a single thing. I realize I am going to need some light to see my way home, which I know is the most safe place to be. I find a match in my pocket and light the candle that is in my hand. The light is Jesus. The matches are Jesus promises to me. Now, all I can see are two and sometimes only one step in front of me. I hear a bunch of strange noises off to right side of me, but it is so dark I can't see for sure if it is danger, but know it probably is (frustration, discouragement, loneliness) so I try really hard to just look straight at where the light is shining (Jesus) and take one small step at at time. Pretty soon a breeze comes along and blows out the candle (satan), now it is again pitch dark. I have lost focus and am not prepared, can't find the matches stumbling off path (fear). I stumble over a branch (anger, discouragement), but finally get the matches back out and light the candle (Jesus) again. I climb back onto the path and now I am more cautious that my flame does not go out (guarding my heart against satan's fiery darts). But of course I am not always ready for which way the wind is going to be blowing (satan) and it comes unexpectedly from a different direction and takes me off guard so I am in the dark again. This happens over and over, but the most important thing for me to remember is to have my matches ready as quickly as possible (God's memorized verses, His promises) so I can get my candle burning again and see the light (Jesus) and follow it. God will bring day light after the dark night and I will see much more clearly (the valley of grief is lessening) and I will continue on to the safety of home (heaven). I just have to remember that in Exodus 14:14--God says, "The Lord will fight for me, I need only to be still"
When this first happened and we were in the mist of horror, Spencer's friend, Kayla, was with him alot. She came those day and sat with him, Sometimes they would be talking quietly with each other, sometimes she would just sit quietly by him. She was a great comfort to him. He felt her support in the misted of this tragedy. She even went to the funeral home with him and supported him on that horrible Tuesday. I thought to myself, she is being a good friend, because what 15 year old kid would want to be in the middle of so many tears, and horror, most would have ran or just wanted to talk on the phone or even just tex each other. She stuck close to him through it all, and even now she talks to him often. She told him the other day, that she had a dream that she, Brooke and Spencer were together and then Brooke, Spencer were over talking with someone else and she was just standing by herself and when she turns around, there stood Taylor. He smiled at her and started to walk over to give her a hug, but she was confused and said to him, "what are you doing here," but then she decided to walk over and hug him, but he moved out of her reach,and said instead with a smile "Thanks for being so good to him (Spencer)", she started to cry and when she looked again, Taylor just disappeared. I asked Spencer did that make you want to cry and he said yes, then we started to talk, do you think Taylor can see certain things here on earth. We didn't know, but then I put some more thought into it. Like it says in Luke 15:10 "I tell you there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents". It does not speak of rejoicing by the angels but in the presence of the angels. So, do you think is it God and the saints doing the rejoicing. So, maybe God does let the saints look down and see the good things people do. I am so thankful for all the good things people have done for us. There has been and hopefully will continue to be many many prayers for us. I am just amazed at the compassion of God's servants. We continue to get cards every week, many are from people who already have sent at least one card. They just want us to know they care, and are thinking and praying for us daily. We have people still bring us dinner, at least once a week. That is very much appreciated, because I am not that much into cooking anyway, but now, I could care less, but for some reason they all seem to get hungry around here anyway :). Taylor's friends amaze me also. Even though, it has been three months and their lives have gone one---what young person wants to dwell on death very long, but they have not gotten Taylor out of their minds and hearts not even a little bit. Every time I go out to his grave, there is almost always something new they left there. Somebody left an IH belt buckle and an IH tractor both which Taylor would have loved---Some have gotten tattoo's in the memory of Taylor. Some have gotten crosses, or maybe his racing number, or just in loving memory of Taylor Gasser tattooed on their bodies. They plan never to forget Taylor. This all touches my heart deeply. One of Spencer's friends sends him each month a gift card to one of his favorite places to eat, like McDonald's, Wendy's, Subway. We don't know who some of you are, but whether we know you or not, we want to thank each and every one of you who have been so compassionate and kind. You will never know what it means and feels like for us to know others are right here with us, holding us up even when we feel like we can barely stand. Also I want to thank all who take the time and effort to make comments on this blog or e-mail, it is a real encouragement to me. I was going to write about that first week after the funeral, but I am already too sad and this is so long already, I will next time.

Sunday After Funeral

Today is a beautiful fall day, but I have realized when it comes to grieving it really does not matter if it is raining or sunny. Grieving is a something I never would have understood. I would have thought each day, I would have moved along the path of grieving step by step a little further, but instead it is more like I can be walking along and pretty soon something knocks me down and when I get up, I can feel like I am at square one in the grieving process again. Every memory is so painful, that I can hardly stand to look or think of any of them. Sometimes, I don't even know what triggers it, I can just get up in the morning and feel like I am at the bottom of the grieving process and feel like it just all happened yesterday. Just like yesterday, I got up and yes it was a beautiful day, but I could hardly notice, because my heart was so sad and all I could think about was Taylor. I would have one memory after another coming into my mind all day, making me sadder and sadder. Even though I know this is God's perfect plan, I miss and ache for Taylor's presence terribly. God does give me Grace to get through the day, and i am usually very glad when i can lay my head on the pillow and the day is over, because God usually does not let me have more than one day like that at a time. In fact, as i am writing this now, I am downloading the Bluffton tapes onto my i-pod. I usually shut off the music while I am doing it, but it does just come on by itself sometimes. On two different sermons that I was downloading the music came on and guess what song it was both times. Yes, Amazing Grace---if you remember God has gotten me through this terrible experience more than one on this song. God is picking me up and holding me today. Just like God says in the Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves me who is crushed in spirit----that is exactly how some days I feel---crushed in spirit, but I know God is close to me. Like yesterday, I was listening to another sermon from Bluffton and they were singing "Just over the River", as I was listening to the words they touched my heart. Just in part of this song---"I am told this is the city of God: Its gates are of pearl and its streets are of gold---Jesus my Saviour has gone to that city to prepare mansions of many. In that city are loved ones awaiting my coming. Expectant they stand on that shore, where the streets are paved with pure gold. I can imagine Taylor standing there on those shores with streets of pure gold, when I get there to meet me and that is a great thought. That is where my mind need to be fixed, and alot of the time it is, but humanly I find my heart aching for all loses of Taylor. I miss his smirky smiling face, his funny personality--he could make anybody laugh,even when I was in a bad mood, he could make me smile and even all the messes he made that I use to complain about---i would gladly clean them up. I heard this which I thought was interesting. They said for believers this life here on earth will be the closest they ever come to Hell and for the unbelievers this life on earth is the closes they will ever come to Heaven. What a thought---if I thought this is the closes I was going to get to heaven, I would be in the depths of depression and never come out of it, but in all reality that statement is so scary, but so true.

The Sunday after the funeral, I could not decide if i wanted to go to church or not, but staying home sounded terrible also. I did not know what if anything sounded good. So, we did decide to go. We went late, because i did not feel like talking to lot of people. As we were pulling up to the front doors, I could feel myself thinking this is probably not a good idea. As I was getting out of the car, I felt like I could break down into a puddle of tears and when I opened those front doors, all I could see in my mind was Taylor laying there in his casket and people all over the place, and us getting ready to close the lid. I was fighting to keep some kind of control. Diane was right inside the door and so was Ricki which helped and most everybody else was already in church. i fought the whole day not to fall into a puddle of tears. Diane, Ricki, Martha Lou all pretty much just stayed in a group. I really did not talk to very many people, which for that Sunday was good, because I could not talk about any of it without just sobbing. Right after church, I left and came home feeling like I was whipped and just wanted to go to bed. We did go to Max's for supper that night, in fact we go there almost every Sunday night and spend time with them and their kids. That is a great support and comfort because i think we were all there and experience this tragedy one way or another from the very first moment it happened. That has bonded us very deeply as a family and for that I am very thankful. We spent alot of the evening just talking about all our emotions, thoughts and feelings. We even at one point got out Diane's photo album and looked at pictures of Taylor. I am not sure we were ready for that, or if I was ready for that----it made my heart even ache more. He looked so live and happy in them, and all I could think about was, that is all I have left are pictures, well of course memories too--- but how very sad.
Diane, Max and some of their kids decided to go out to the accident site on that Sunday afternoon. I was not ready to deal with that yet---i knew that would be an emotional time and I was not even handling the emotions I was having very well. Diane said, it was a surreal experience. It was peaceful place, a little stream--water going between a couple of rocks. She said she was thinking this is the place that Taylor took his last breath here on earth, then she said to her kids, just think an angel, or an heavenly beam came to this very spot, it didn't touch the ground, but came very close and picked Taylor's soul up. Probably said, Ok Taylor it is time for you to come with me-----Did Taylor know he died---probably---he probably thought, Oh, no, mom was right when she said this was dangerous and I could get killed on it, she will be so sad. Did his spirit hoover above his body and see all that was happening at least for a little bit----it is possible, but of course we will never know. Amber when out to the site very soon after it happened and put a very nice cross that said--Taylor Gasser on one T and We love and miss you on the other on. Thank you Amber---it is marked where Taylor died. Some of his friends went out also and put mulch and another cross with flowers all around it. In Brooke's tribute she said how Taylor loved tractors, so somebody put two little red tractor's out there by the cross. They put a picture of Taylor and a couple of his friends out there too. Again, I have to say, Taylor touched alot of hearts. We are all grieving for this kid that always had a smile on his face and never wanted anyone to be sad, but we are looking forward to seeing him one day, and it may be sooner than we think!!

First Days After Funeral

It was 12 weeks last Saturday since Taylor's accident. Sometimes it feels like we are stuck in time and other times I can not believe it has been 12 weeks. At first, we had all bad days with a few good moments mixed in, but after 12 weeks we still have alot of bad days, but more good moments are starting to mix in. I was out at the accident site on Saturday. It was a beautiful day. I just sat there by the little stream that goes through the rocks, the water was making a little bubbling sound, almost peaceful. Taylor's friends are still putting flowers out there, sometimes there are flowers on the rock where he hit his head. I just sat there and thought about all that had happened that night. I was thinking, I am sure Taylor that Saturday night was all happy, it was a warm summer evening the kids were having a bon fire. It must have been muddy from previous rains, because Sara was telling me how right before this happened, he was spinning his tires on his 4-wheeler in some mud and was spraying Sara with mud. When Sara said, look Taylor what you have done, he just gives that little smirky smile and says, Oh I am so sorry. He said it almost like he meant it :). They were always playing little jokes on each other. Then Sara jumps on another 4wheeler with another kid and speeds off, and Taylor left soon after wards--he never wanted anyone to be ahead of him, because he always thought he had the fastest 4wheeler----I will explain the accident later and how it happened.

When I get up on that Friday after the funeral, I felt like I was in the mist of a terrible illness. I was feeling extremely tired, weak and just wanted to stay in bed, but knew I couldn't do that. When I walked down stairs the first thing that I saw was all those flowers sitting in my livingroom. It just brought reality right back into focus, not that it really ever blurs out of focus. None of us has really went back into Taylor's room except for me to get out clothes for Spencer to wear. It is just too painful to see all his stuff, but then there are reminders everywhere. His book bag and laptop are sitting pretty much where he left them when he came home from school. I could not even touch it, i could barely look at it. We slowly got dressed and then went over to Max's. That was where mom, dad, Warren, Dawn and Bill and all her kids were. We were all exhausted and just sat around. It was a beautiful day, so we did go out for a walk. Warren, Jeff, Spencer, Bill and Brooke decided they wanted to go see where the accident happened. I said I am not ready to see that now. I knew that some day I will want to see it, but right now is not the time, in fact I still can not even believe it happened. Dad is still doing really well. We all knew it is only by the Grace of God that he is doing so well. We do have a nice time together, but all too soon the day is over and it is time for us to go home again and I know tomorrow is the day they are all leaving to go home. It is hard to sleep. If my mind is not on all the horror of the last week, it is on all the things I am going to miss with Taylor, or one memory after another is flooding my mind. I am just praying I do not have dreams about Taylor, that would be soooo hard. It would be like watching home videos----he would be so alive and happy. Please God not yet.
The next morning, I am to pick Dawn and Bill up at Luann's---that was where they stayed and take them into Wooster to the motel where mom, dad and Warren were staying. Getting up is a struggle on any given day, it just means another day to deal with reality, but today is even worse because they are all leaving. I pick up Dawn and Bill and we go to the motel. We visit a little bit then mom, dad, Dawn and Bill leave. As I am hugging them all good bye, I wonder when I will see them again. I know in my heart, dad will probably not be out again, and thinking about us going back to mom and dad, is almost more than I can stand---those memories were so terrible getting the phone call that night at their place. So, I am feeling really sad, knowing it will be a long time until I see them again. They leave telling me they will pray continuously for me, my heart is breaking---I am so tired of saying Good bye. After they leave, Warren and I go back into the motel to the pool area and just sit and talk about all that has happened. Many times, i just sit there and think I really can't believe my Taylor is gone, I will never touch him again, never talk with him---that thought is so overpowering, my body takes to shaking. Warren says, there will be many hard days----I am thinking these days are so hard now, just how many hard days will I be able to endure. I realize I will not be able to endure many if any more by myself, God is going to have to be my Strength. Warren says, I don't know what I would do if it was one of mine----it would be so hard. I thought it is hard, but I did not have a choice, God chose Taylor. I just knew I have to stay in God's hands, and He will carry me. After an hour or so, it was time to hug him good bye also. It was sad to see him drive away, because I knew it would be a long time until I seen him again , and also it is just comforting to have my family close by. I get into my car and drive home---I cry most of the way, knowing my life is forever changed and I feel lost in all the pain. I get home and it is two days before school starts. Brooke and I decided we can not sit around the house, to empty and lonely. Max's and all their kids and us have been together for a week straight almost every waking hour, now we are by ourselves--and don't like it much. Brooke and I go into Wooster again to get some of her school supplies, but when we get there we realize we are really just walking around in a daze, putting one foot in front of the other. I actually feel like my body is walking, but my mind and heart are completely somewhere else, just trying to hold on to sanity. I know God is suppose to be near the broken hearted, but I think by this time, i am mostly numb, even though, I don't feel God I know in my heart He is near. I know that the horror of the tragedy is over---the phone call, viewing, funeral, and now the reality is going to set in. I know, or at least I hope it comes in little steps because i know it is going to be overwhelming and very painful. As we are walking around Staples, Brooke gets a little tap on her shoulder and God must have thought you sad little people need some encouraging right now. It was the guy that made that phone about Taylor's salvation--Craig and his wife. We stood and talked to them for a least an hour and yes when we left we did feel alittle bit better. We came back home and pretty much did nothing. The next day is Sunday, do we go to church, stay home in bed. Can I really go back to church where just three days before was Taylor's funeral---I don't know---God, what should I do. The best part of the day then was going to bed. Even though I had trouble getting to sleep, once asleep, it was a break from my heart achy continually. I knew that people's prayers were carrying me, because I still could only pray, Thank you God for helping me through another day.
I know this road of grieving is going to be long and alot of the time very difficult, but God says in Jer. 31:13 He will turn my mourning into gladness; He will give me comfort and joy instead of sorrow. That is another promise, so I must believe that someday, we will see joy and gladness again.

Funeral Day (part 2)

We drive slowly right behind Gillman's to the cemetery. I remember when we are driving up that long drive to the cemetery, I am thinking how can this be true, how can we actually be doing this---Tay is going for his final ride--he is way too young. I was thinking, he has never been back to this cemetery in life, his first time back is in death. It is all too much for my mind, it starts to shut down . As we stop by the tent, the pallbears are starting to carry Taylor's casket over to the burial site. Keith told us later, he was thinking, Oh, Tay, we should be playing in the waves in ocean at Nags Head like we use to do, not me carrying your casket. We slowly get out of the car and head over to the tent. The sun was out and warm--a day Taylor would have loved. He loved summer and being outside, and being with his friends. Even though Taylor didn't know it, he had all three. His friends were all there. As i looked around alittle, I noticed that every lane in the cemetery was filled up with cars and the line of cars was going out the cemetery and down the lane. The choir sang a song, then Gary had a prayer and now it was time to say our final good-bye---just how could we possibly be able to do that. As we seen, it was not easy for anyone. Gillman starts to pull carnations from the spray and giving us each one. Then he goes over to the pall bears---which was truly a sight to see---they all stood perfectly straight in a line with sober faces and tears in their eyes and gave each of them one. Spencer, Brooke and I went up and knelt over Taylor's casket. I think God must have been carrying me again, and sorta shut my mind off because I just knelt there with no tears left. Spencer took this very hard, he was sobbing leaning over Tay' casket. Jeff noticed that nobody was leaving and thought they were perhaps waiting for us to leave first, so he thought maybe we should get back into the car. So, Spencer, Brooke and I get up to leave, but I notice that Spencer looked like he was not ready to leave yet. I asked him, do you want to go back by Taylor again, and he quickly said yes. I and Spencer went back to Taylor and just knelt there with our faces in our hands over the casket. I felt I had no heart left---it had been completely ripped out. After several more minutes, Spencer had said his final good-bye's and started to get up. I noticed that there were still people everywhere---I was thinking, I thought every body left after the prayer, I wonder why they are all still here. I am glad that somebody noticed what was happening, because we were so wrapped up in grief, we did not catch what was happening. Ricki came up to Jeff and says, i think the kids would like to also say good bye to Taylor. Jeff then says, if any of you kids want to come up closer and say good bye you are welcome to. That was something to see---the guys and girls come up to the casket, they got on their knees and knelt by the casket with their arms on it. There was not enough room for them all, so some just knelt behind the ones closes to the casket. Oh, if only Taylor could have seen all his friends on their knees---I can only pray, Taylor, you left a big enough mark on their lives that they will want Jesus in their lives. They all seen how quickly Taylor went from having fun riding his 4 wheeler to eternity. This was very emotional to see all these kids on their knees. They get up after a few minutes, but still no body leaves. Some waited until they could go up by themselves to mourn Taylor. I seen Jed up by himself, maybe I should have just left him by himself, but, my heart was breaking for him too. I just went up and put my arm around him and just quietly knelt by his side. He was sobbing, but then who wasn't at this point. Kirk came up and knelt by the casket and was softly crying---he had just lost one of his best friends. Their hearts were all breaking too. All those big muscular guys were crying without shame. Everybody was seeing that death is so final and this was the last time we would be this physically close to Taylor. How are we going to ever be able to continue on---that is our human thought, and the answer is, we can't and we won't. It is only in God's mercy that I will be able to get up tomorrow after this funeral. Kelly Gillman does come over to me---this is the first time I ever seen any compassion from her since this all happened. She does give me a hug and I think she might even be crying alittle. She said I have never seen anything quite like this. This is really hard. We slowly get back into our cars and everybody does start to leave this time. We go back to the church for lunch. I thought all I want to do is go home and pull the covers over my head and not think. After lunch, alot of the Illinois people that came are starting to leave. i truly appreciated all of those that put the effort and time into coming. Mom and Dad were still doing pretty well, they were tired, but feeling well, and for that we were thankful. Mom and dad, Warren, Ron all go to Diane's. Us, Max's and Max's kids have to now go back to the fellowship hall and clean up and take care of the flowers. As we are driving back to the fellowship hall, all I can think is I really really do not want to go back here. As I walk in the doors all the memories and emotions comes flooding back from the day before. I turn the corner and there are all the flowers still sitting and then the empty place where the casket was. I just stood there and stared, again reality has hit, it really is true. I told everybody to take whatever they wanted of the flowers and plants. We carried the flowers out to our cars, but in my heart even though those flowers were beautiful they just reminded me of such horror, I could hardly look at them. We did take some to the nursing home which they all just loved. I did take some home. It was sorta bittersweet, yes the flowers remind me of horror, but when it came time to throw them out, it almost felt like I was throwing out part of Taylor. I got a big plaque of "Be Still and Know I Am God" that I just love---it is one of my favorite verses. Jeff and Max swept the fellowship hall and finally it is time to leave and go home. We come home and Jeff gets the mail, we get another 50 cards. Jeff loves cards, he is still reading everyone of them word for word. I am not in the mood to read more mournful cards. For right now, it is also such a reminder of this terrible horror that has struck our lives. My heart is so broken and shredded that probably the only one that is going to be any comfort is God. But don't get me wrong, I later read the cards and we end up getting somewhere around 570 cards. We got bunches the first week or two, but the ones that meant the most to me were the ones we got after that. That was probably because the horror had lessen a bit and I could actually read them and feel what the person was trying to say. We still get cards almost every day, of course not nearly as many, but those mean alot, because we know that we are still in their hearts, and prayers. They have to be thinking about us, to go get a card, write in it and then send it. I learned alot through all of this---what to say, what not to say, when to send a card. We also will get two, three and sometimes four cards from the same person---now we know or sure those people are really praying for us---Thank you all who pray for us. After we change our clothes and carry our flowers in the house, we go over to Diane's. My whole family is over there, so it is really nice to be with all of them----this happens so rarely. Karen and Luann are our "maids"s for the evening and they go a great job. They serve us dinner---I am not sure if anybody was hungry or not, but we at least pretended to eat, or maybe that was just me that had to pretend to be hungry. We really did not talk too much about the funeral. We did have a few laughs. I think our bodies were so tired, we just wanted to relax. But of course there was a constant thought, which has taken a permanent place in my mind----Taylor is gone, I can not see, touch or talk with him ever again---every once in a while my body will just shake from that thought. As we sat there and visited a terrible storm came up and it rained really hard. Of course my mind went to Taylor out there all by himself---I know a crazy thought, he really is not there, but it still kept running through my mind. Somebody make the comment that we all cried many tears this day, and now God is crying His tears. That thought touched my heart---Jesus probably did cry with us many times and still does on hard days. Carol did not go to the funeral, but was not feeling too badly. Her face did have some rug burns on it, but not too bad. We did find out later that Carol ended up with two small breaks in her wrist and had to have alot of physical therapy, which helped alot. Well, it was time to say good bye to Ron and Carol, they were flying back very early the next morning. I was very sad to see them leave, but Ron has kept in contact with me and has been a great support. More than once he called and I was in tears and he would help me refocus back on Jesus and not myself. Anyway, one last word of advice he told Jeff and myself before he left is-- He said never go down the street of "why". He said when he got wounded in Vietnam and had to have his leg amputated he felt he had the right to ask God "why" He left that happen---and God was silent. Ron said satan took that silence and took him down a road he barely made it back. I can not say I have never asked "why"----it is so easy to ask that question, and I will go into that later, but after hearing this story of Ron's, which he told me in more detail, I knew i probably would not make it back, so i try to refocus when my mind goes there----which is exactly where satan wants me to go. I have found that to be a slippery slope. We say our good bye's to Ron's and go home. It is a quiet ride home, each in our own thoughts. When we get home, we all walked into the house. Spencer said I can't sleep in that room, so he doesn't. I just go into Taylor and Spencer's room and stand there by Tay's bed and stare at his bed. My mind just kept saying over and over, you should be in your bed, not in the cemetery. Pretty soon I found myself sobbing again, so I quietly shut off the light and go out of his room. The last five days have been the worst days of my life---some have told me, you have been though the worse thing that can possibly happen to you---sometimes I think that must be true, but then I am sure there are worst things---what if your child was kidnapped and you did not know where or who had them. That would be worse. I have to say, Max, Diane and her kids were huge support in this terrible time. Each and every one of them were a support in a different way and at a different time.
They all are still great support to us----I don't know what I would have done with out any of them---God put me in very good hands. Max and Diane went through every step with us, and at many moments they actually held us up physically, they helped us make decision when I could not even hardly breath, let alone make any type of decisions. Like Diane has said, they were mourning Taylor but they also had to watch us mourn the extremely deep lose of a child, which was almost as hard as mourning Taylor. Diane did comment that in those five days, she has never felt closer to God. It was almost like God had a hold of her hand. She said as she looks back and some of the things that she did for us, she said it had to be God working through her, because on her own, she said I would have also been crumpled on the floor. Once again, God gives Grace where it is needed. Prayers of the people were carrying every last one of us---all I ask is please continue to pray for us, Max's, and Taylor's friends. I can't explain how thankful I am for a praying group of friends. Thank you all.

Just Some Thoughts

We started our Bible Study yesterday. We do Beth Moore studies and have decided to do the one on Daniel. This is our third study with this group of women. Diane and I were talking later,we were saying just think how much has changed in those three years. One was diagnose with breast cancer, one is waiting for a kidney transplant, one lost a sibling, one was diagnose with glaucoma, and I lost a son. We pray for each other, and lift each other up to the Throne of God, but we still each have to fight the demons in the middle of the night by ourselves---well that is not true, God is always right there beside us. Isn't it night time that satan likes to come and play in our minds. Doesn't he like to take all the blessings and triumphs that God has given us throughout the day and plant seeds of doubts and discouragements. I woke up last night in the middle of the night and found myself thinking once again about all the things that I will not see Taylor do. One that really stuck was what will it be like when I see Taylor's friends getting married and having kids. Grandkids i will never hold. I just had to pray over and over, Please Jesus please fill this whole that I have in my heart with You. Today, God brought this verse to my mind Romans 8:28 which says" We know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him and who have been called according to His purpose." I just sat back and tried to think on it. It did not say, SOMETIMES God brings good to those who love Him, but in ALL things. I wanted to say --I think there has been a mistake here, I don't see anything good in this tragedy----our hearts are all broken in a thousand pieces. But then God does not lie, so it has to be true. So, I must believe that God will bring good out of this tragedy. I do pray, God, if You decide to show me while I am still here on earth, help me to see it, or maybe I will never know what it is until I meet Jesus at Heaven's Gates. I just don't want to be lost in grief somewhere and miss it all. I do know --that verse is a promise, and God never breaks a promise. Right now, though, it is hard for me to feel or see it being good, but that is what is called faith----believing without seeing. Faith really is not knowing how God will bring His will into being---faith is knowing that God will bring His will into being. No, i did not think of that on my own, I got it out of my grief book---but I thought it said it all.
Brooke is now driving Taylor's truck. She has not yet gotten a vehicle after she her accident. She had been borrowing a kind hearted teacher's car, but he needed it back. So what was it going to be like with Taylor's truck parked in the garage very night, so every time I go out into the garage I see it. I must admit it does give me a pain in my heart, but it is something how your mind get "use" to that image. I do try not to look as she is driving down the lane in it---that is more than I can stand for right now.
Even though, we are going down this journey of grief, every once in a while we do find ourselves laughing. Last night after dinner, Brooke and I were still sitting at the table and Jeff and Spencer were going to do dishes. Spencer did not think he should have to do dishes and was being sarcastic, I had two little baby carrots on my plate, so I very carefully picked them up and threw them at this head, and bingo, both hit him in the head. Well, knowing Spencer he had to get revenge, he comes over and picks me right up off my feet and carrys me around, can you see this picture---big tall Spenc is holding me and I am kicking my legs in every direction trying to get down. We did all end up laughing pretty hard. It felt good to once again to just laugh.

Different Feelings

Today started out gloomy and looking like rain (is that something new for Ohio :)). It was so windy that I decided to go back out to the cemetery to see how my beautiful white roses were doing----a lot more rain and wind has hit since I was there on Wednesday. But after my meltdown on Wednesday, I was not sure I was ready, or even wanted to go back so soon, but decided i needed to check those flowers. As I drove up that long drive, my thoughts took a different street. Instead of the street of loneliness and terrible sadness, they took the street straight to Jesus's heart for comfort. I seen the flowers were all knocked over and so was the vase, but the flowers still have been protected. They still looked really good--all opened up, but not wilted yet---not like they had weathered monsoon rains and lots of wind. I picked them up and put water back in the vase. (side note, I found out I was the third one out there today to set them back up-----Taylor, you are a loved boy by many---) As I sat in my car---too windy. There were alot of clouds in the sky, but the sun was shinning though---making a silver lining. As I sat there, I had to think, some day Jesus is going to come through those clouds with trumpets blowing and ten thousand angels singing -Wow! how great will that be!! and Taylor will be with him. Jesus told us the dead will rise first. Will I be looking for Taylor, probably not at first. My eyes, i am sure, will be fixed on Jesus's face, but soon after that I will be hugging Taylor----he will probably be saying "mom, not so tight, can't breathe". What a Day that Will Be.
Last night before i went to sleep, i was reading this book called "When God and Grief meet" In those pages I read, God gave me a verse in that book, to which I thought was very powerful, especially for me at this time in my journey. It is Deut. 31:81---.THE LORD HIMSELF GOES BEFORE ME & WILL BE WITH ME. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME. DO NO BE A AFRAID, DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED" God just knew I needed that verse after this week. When I got up this morning, I decided I was going to think on that verse and study it. I thought, that is a promise and Jesus never breaks promises, so it has to be true, today, tomorrow, and always----so i need to grab a hold with both hands and remember this one. I had to think Jesus is always with me, in fact He is already in my tomorrow's. He is always just a whisper away, and He is never going to leave---it is me that moves from Him and lets go of this promise---at least for a little while. I also thought, Jesus did not say, I will sent an angel instead of Myself , but He said He was going Himself---how comforting is that! Just why is it so easy to let go of a promise like that from Jesus and look at my circumstances and let satan pull me back into the streets of pain, loneliness and discouragement that comes with that. So, I am thinking out in the cemetery and looking up into the clouds---knowing Jesus is right there looking down saying those exact words to me in that verse. i had to think when my kids were little, like maybe kindergarten or even younger (not so much Taylor--he had much "tougher'" skin than Spencer---anyway he would every so often come home with tears running down his cheeks because some kid had hurt his feelings or took something he thought was his.(at first, i may not have reacted much like Jesus , instead I would have wanted to get a hold of that kid that hurt Spencer and get revenge)but most of the time, I would take Spencer and set him on my lap and hold him close to my heart and talk with him----that was always calming and he knew I was there for him---I was not leaving him, he knew I loved him, I could just see a calmness come over him, and he felt everything was going to be fine---he trusted me to make everything alright . But I thought, I will fail Spencer many many times in life, but Jesus will never break a promise to me, or fail me.
With this verse, I could visualize myself getting that close to Jesus, in his arms, with my head on his chest---I am so close I could hear his heart beating. Fear, discouragement, loneliness all leaves. Now the key is to stay there, but satan certainly does not want that----he would never win a single battle. It does help me to memorize these verses that are promises and say them over and over, but I must say some days, in fact, alot of days, I lose the battle and fall into 'self" mode and fall into a puddle of tears. So again,what makes it so easy to let go of these promises, and let satan take me down the street of despair, loneliness, discouragement so often. Why can't i just keep that thought--Jesus in already in my tomorrow, and He is never going to leave me.. He will never pull away from me, so it is always me that pulls away. I guess, it just shows how weak man is----that is why prayer from all of you is so important--In my weakness, sometimes I can't even pray, just moans and gr0ans.

Flowers

Seeing God in the mist of extreme sadness and loneliness. On Tuesday afternoon, Jeff came home and said through tears that somebody was out visiting Taylor and left 12 white roses. Not just one, but 12 beautiful white roses. Jeff and i decided to go out there and put them in a vase. They were just laying there by the mums. We opened up what they were wrapped in and put them in a vase. By this time it was evening and getting dark, but they were so pretty that I took some pictures of them. I had to think, his friends are hurting and missing Taylor in a terrible too. Most of them have not experienced death at all, most still have their grandparents--- please pray for them. Later than night, when I woke up and heard all the raining, I thought all those pretty rose petals will be knocked off and the vase will probably be knocked over too. i just prayed, God please protect those flowers. I know I have so many other thinks to be praying for, just why would i be praying for those flowers---I don't know,--maybe I just wanted them to be beautiful for a little bit longer. The next day was Wednesday and it was once again time for Diane and I to go clean the dentist office. We do take alot of breaks while cleaning, but today Luann decided to stop by and we probably did more visiting than cleaning----Oh well, we did get it done, just took longer. When we were done, i took Diane home and decided I would go check up on the flowers. I was once again listening to the song "Far Side Banks of Jordon". I know this is my song for when I meet Taylor on the shores of Heaven. If you have not listened to it---it is a song with a powerful message. As I was driving up that long lane to the cemetery, all that kept running through my mind was "this is not right, it is just not right---he should not be back here---he is the only 20 year old boy in this whole place." As I get to the opening, I just say a little "arrow prayer, please let those flowers be fine, and Lord just please let the sun shine even alittle bit. It had been cloudy ever since I left and now it looked like it could start to rain any minute. As I turn the corner to go up to Taylor, I see the beautiful white rose still standing perfectly and blowing in the wind. I get out of the car and walk over to Tay and just stand there looking at those roses, when I realize they have all opened up and they were what God created them to be --gorgeous----one would never have imagined they spent a night out in the rain. God protected them---as little as it may seem, God answered that prayer. As I am standing there, I can feel this overwhelming sense of sadness and loneliness welling up inside of my heart. It is almost what one could call unbearable. As i stand there looking at his picture (Amber put up a cross with some flowers and a picture of Taylor at the beach holding little Max)I feel my heart starting to break into a million pieces again. At this point, I realize that the sun has come out and is shining right on Taylor's face in that picture---yes, it is also shining on the flowers, but I don't even notice that because my focus is on Tay's face . I take to sobbing so hard that I can hardly stand up. I know God is right there with me, He showed me with the the beauty of the flowers and His presence with the sun shining. It was like God was saying, I love you, and yes I know this is terrible, but I will help you through this, just hang on. I felt all this, but I just keep thinking, or at this point I think I am saying it out loud. I want you home, Tay, I want you at our dinner table with the rest of us, I want you in bed at night, I want you to be able to go on vacation with us again, I want to just hold you in my arms. By this time I am sobbing so hard, I can't even see his picture anymore. I realize that this is not helping me at all and I need to bring God into this conversation---so I just pray--"Please God, Please help me, Please just help me to understand this even just a little bit---Please help me through this terrible journey." I did not hear or see anyone coming up that long lane to the cemetery. i did not see them drive in, nor did I see anyone come around that curve over by Taylor. I just heard alittle beep and looked up to see April and Diane in the car. I thought God is so faithful---He brought help just when He knew I could take no more. They get out of the car and walk over to me and we just stand there in complete silence looking at Taylor's grave. When I can not take the terrible ache in my heart anymore, I start sobbing again and say "I am missing him so much today, I just want to see and hold him again" and then i fall sobbing into Diane's arms. We stand there with the wind blowing around us not saying a word. No words are needed. I finally get myself under control enough to stand on my own two feet. We all just stand there in complete silence---there were no words to say, just their presence was a comfort. Finally, April said it all. She said there is nothing to say, this is just all so terrible. I said, "as terrible as this all is, I know this is suppose to be." I just knew in my heart that God's plan is always perfect. As we were getting back into our cars to leave, I realized I just had a major meltdown and I did not even feel it coming, well not to that extent. I was having a fairly good day, well at least it was a decent day. I went to back to thinking how grief is so much like a wave on the ocean. I had to think, today not only did I get flattened, I almost drowned out there in the sea of grief. But God will not let me drown, He will always grab me and help me back to shore, today it was with Diane and April coming out. I drive home very slowly because I am sure I look like I just got ran over by a truck and i also knew they would probably be home from school and work. No need to work, they were busy with their own stuff and barely notice me---for that I am rather thankful, because I was still trying to recover. I go down and check my e-mail---and there is God once again. I end up crying a little more, but not this time because of loneliness but because God is right there holding me up through encouraging people who send me comments or e-mails that touch my heart. I pull myself together because we have a night out planned to celebrate Gale's birthday. We get ready and meet Max's, Larry's and Craig's for dinner and have a very nice time. So, yes, I cry some each and every day---my heart aches for Tay all the time, but I do have moments of joy also. Then when we get home, I check my e-mail one last time-----(yes, I like e-mails so i check it often or maybe i like to see what God may have for me in the way of encouragement)---anyway God touches my heart one more time in this day. Thanks-Gwen---that song fits me perfectly. I hope and pray that whoever reads this will see God's Faithfulness, His Mercies. His Amazing Grace and hopefully His healing Hand in my heart, well perhaps you didn't see much of that today, but some day. I also see God's power through your comments and e-mails----they come at exactly the most perfect time----That is our Amazing God.