Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Another Birthday--2011--22nd birthday
Once again the change of seasons are upon us----what does that mean, well, it means it is once again Taylor's birthday. He would have been 22-I had to think, just what would he have been doing, where would he have been working, what changes would I have seen in him as he was maturing from a boy into a young man. We didn't know quite what to do this year for his birthday, but just knew we wanted something much quieter than last year. We decided to just get balloons and ask Max's family to meet us at the cemetery to let them off and just do some reflecting on the past year. We all said happy birthday, Taylor, as we each let our balloon go off towards heaven, then later went over to Max's. Max's all left as us four just stood there around Taylor's grave all lost in our own thoughts. My thought first went to that hot, humid afternoon as some stood, while others knelt around his casket for the last time, feeling like our hearts had just been ripped out of our chest and all that was left was a big empty hole- and feeling like would we even make it until the next moment. It has been 20 months since that afternoon, but it was amazing how I could feel every emotion as intensely as if it was that very day. As I stood there looking at his picture, I had to think, just what are you doing today, Taylor? Birthdays mean nothing to you now, time is of no essence-one day is as beautiful as the next, no more sorrow, pain, tears, but instead spending time with Jesus!!! My mind slipped back to what Ron said at Taylor's funeral,--the death of Taylor is like an amputation--as I though more on this, I realized just how true this is. One day earlier that week I was listening on WCRF to a couple who lost their only son, who was five in an accident--and a friend said to him, don't let any one tell you that you will get over this in time, because you won't, but you will learn to live a new normal, then he used the same analogy as Ron, this is like an amputation. It is so true, I will never get over this-like I would never get "over" if my leg was amputated. I would be reminded in every step I took, that something was missing-my leg. Yes, I can lived a fairly normal life with only one leg, but I will never run and jump again. I am trying to learn to live with the "amputation" but must say some days all I can think about is how would it feel to have my "leg" back again. Maybe it is harder right now, because of his birthday and also we have picked out his tombstone. Going picking it out, was once again reality slapping me in the face. When I was standing there looking at these tombstones and trying to imagine what Taylor's name written big across the top and his smiling face etched in stone would actually look like. The thought would keep running through my mind--this can't be true, can't this be a nightmare that I can soon wake up from. The guy just called me today, to say that the drawing is finished and we can come view it before they etch it in the stone---I had to think this is the very last thing we will ever buy for Taylor, my heart just aches thinking about that--but again, I am feeling sorry for my losses, Taylor is safely home. It just has been a hard several weeks. Jeff was out in the garage cleaning up one of the fourwheelers the boys had several years earlier. He had me come out to see how great it looked after he took the time to wash it and paint it up to get ready to sell. As I stood there looking at it, so many memories ran through my mind--like when spencer and taylor would ride this one around the yard, laughing and chasing each other. I even got brave enough to ride on the back of it with them sometimes. They had so much fun trying to scare me to death going over jumps and around curves really fast---i have to admit, it worked it did scare me, but the more, I would squeeze my arms around their waist and scream in their ears to slow down, they would only go faster, laughing all the way. At times like these, I just want to scream ---I don't want this to be true, I want my old normal back, I don't like this new normal that I am forced to live in, but I realize I can only visit this place I can not stay here, or satan will have me right where he wants me--beaten up and destroyed. I realize that satan likes nothing more than to knock me completely flat and I must admit some days he does just that, but Jesus will always come along and pick me up, brush me off, bind up the wounds that satan has caused. I love the thought that satan can not do anything to me unless he goes ask Jesus permission. Jesus will not grant satan permission to do anything that can't be used for God's Glory and me good---but of course that last part I have a choice in---"get better or get bitter".
Monday, February 14, 2011
Life is Full of Changes
Winter soon will be drawing to a close and spring will be bring new life once again. As much as I like spring, it also brings Taylor's birthday. Not that I don't like his birthday, it can bring alot of great memories, but also some really sad ones. I can hardly believe he would have been 22, but actually in my mind he will be forever 20. He will always have that young face, with that famous grin on it. I often wonder just what would he have been doing by now--he would have graduated college, but then I remind myself, he does not have to worry about any of that, his days are filled with pure perfection in everywhere he goes and everything he does. I had a dream about Taylor the other night and I was not sure what it meant, if anything. It just kept sticking in my mind, was it satan trying to play games with my mind and heart, which is what it felt like. I also know playing any games with satan, I will most certainly lose-I can only be on the winning side with Jesus as my shield. I know my best defense is prayer, so that is exactly what I did. I am a person of signs....i often pray that God will direct me through "signs". I don't usually pray for specific signs, just something clear that I know without a doubt that He is talking to me. I was praying He would give me a peace about this dream if it was just satan's plan to pull me down into the "pits". I had nothing in mind, but knew He would speak something in someway, but didn't know when or how. As we were standing in church singing the praise songs before the service, they finish with the last song--Amazing Grace--(I am sure this was no accident) At first all I could focus on was all the memories of the funeral and Taylor being wheeled down the aisle at church for the last time on this song, but about half way through the song, God whispers in my ear, " this is the answer to your prayer, remember how I have spoken to you through this song from the very beginning, always letting you know I am right beside you- and this time is no different, I am right here and yes, it was just a dream, ---Don't let satan win the battle in getting grips on your peace." By this time tears were streaming down my cheeks, the song brought back so many memories, but the one I like to hold on to the most is that God has spoken so clearly through this song of His presence and comfort. How true is this--To have God on our side doesn't mean sailing on a boat without any storms--it means having a boat no storm can sink.
Life is full of changes---some are small which will make very little difference, and then there are some that are life changing. Brooke and BJ announced their engagement a few days after Christmas. They plan to get married this summer. Yes, I am happy for her, but I would be lying if I said I am not also some what sad. We were always close, but since Taylor's accident, we have tried to make every minute count, because like we so quickly found out--you can be here one minute and gone the next....sometimes no time to even say good-bye. BJ right now is in the navy and by this fall his four year tour will be up, but he is deciding if he is going to re-enlist into the special forces, which would make it another six years and they will be either stationed on the east coast (Virginia) or west coast (CA). My first gut reaction is, God, no-no--You can't take her away, not that far---that is going to make another big hole in the family--no, nothing comparable to Taylor, but still a very sizable whole-- just how often will we get to see her, if they are in CA. I have often prayed that God would provide deeply spiritual spouses for my kids, and He did answer that prayer, but not quite like I thought, but isn't that just God---I have found that God seldom if ever answers my prayers like I expect, or alot of times would have liked, but have found that in the end, it was a much better way---so again, I am praying this is the case. I lean very heavily on the verses Prov. 3:5-6 which says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding: in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." When they first got engaged, I didn't do so well, I found myself often thinking what is this going to be like, with her 3,000 miles away, and my prayer became self-centered--I found myself praying--please God just make it so they can live around here, maybe like he will flunk all the test to get into the special forces. Then one night as i was praying, God quietly whispered in my ear, let Me handle this, just put it all in My hands---surrender your will to Me---so that is exactly what I did, well, lets say i am trying to do just that. Not only will I miss her terribly, but if he makes it into the special forces, it will extremely dangerous, and my thoughts often drift to how Brooke knows all about death and how devastating it is---how would she ever survive another one that was that close to her. I could feel myself starting to let satan use his most favorite tools, fear, worry and anxiety. I knew I could nothing to change all the "what if's", and so like the many times before where did I find peace----surrendering it all into God's hands. Whether God allows him to be in the forces or whether he flunks the tests---I know God will do what is best for each of us, and yes, there may be some hard times, but God promises to be with us and take care of all our needs---I hang onto each and every one of God's promises. I heard this somewhere and thought how true it is--God closes doors no man can open & God can open doors no man can close. Like God has told us, don't worry about tomorrow, it has enough worries all of its' own,---but also God told us He is already in our tomorrows just like the verse Det.31:81 says "The Lord himself goes before me and will be with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged." I am so thankful that we all rest in the palms of Jesus's hands, because if I was to do this all on my own, I would be consumed by everything but peace.
Life is full of changes---some are small which will make very little difference, and then there are some that are life changing. Brooke and BJ announced their engagement a few days after Christmas. They plan to get married this summer. Yes, I am happy for her, but I would be lying if I said I am not also some what sad. We were always close, but since Taylor's accident, we have tried to make every minute count, because like we so quickly found out--you can be here one minute and gone the next....sometimes no time to even say good-bye. BJ right now is in the navy and by this fall his four year tour will be up, but he is deciding if he is going to re-enlist into the special forces, which would make it another six years and they will be either stationed on the east coast (Virginia) or west coast (CA). My first gut reaction is, God, no-no--You can't take her away, not that far---that is going to make another big hole in the family--no, nothing comparable to Taylor, but still a very sizable whole-- just how often will we get to see her, if they are in CA. I have often prayed that God would provide deeply spiritual spouses for my kids, and He did answer that prayer, but not quite like I thought, but isn't that just God---I have found that God seldom if ever answers my prayers like I expect, or alot of times would have liked, but have found that in the end, it was a much better way---so again, I am praying this is the case. I lean very heavily on the verses Prov. 3:5-6 which says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding: in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." When they first got engaged, I didn't do so well, I found myself often thinking what is this going to be like, with her 3,000 miles away, and my prayer became self-centered--I found myself praying--please God just make it so they can live around here, maybe like he will flunk all the test to get into the special forces. Then one night as i was praying, God quietly whispered in my ear, let Me handle this, just put it all in My hands---surrender your will to Me---so that is exactly what I did, well, lets say i am trying to do just that. Not only will I miss her terribly, but if he makes it into the special forces, it will extremely dangerous, and my thoughts often drift to how Brooke knows all about death and how devastating it is---how would she ever survive another one that was that close to her. I could feel myself starting to let satan use his most favorite tools, fear, worry and anxiety. I knew I could nothing to change all the "what if's", and so like the many times before where did I find peace----surrendering it all into God's hands. Whether God allows him to be in the forces or whether he flunks the tests---I know God will do what is best for each of us, and yes, there may be some hard times, but God promises to be with us and take care of all our needs---I hang onto each and every one of God's promises. I heard this somewhere and thought how true it is--God closes doors no man can open & God can open doors no man can close. Like God has told us, don't worry about tomorrow, it has enough worries all of its' own,---but also God told us He is already in our tomorrows just like the verse Det.31:81 says "The Lord himself goes before me and will be with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged." I am so thankful that we all rest in the palms of Jesus's hands, because if I was to do this all on my own, I would be consumed by everything but peace.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Christmas 2010
Christmas, the birth of our Jesus-who chose to leave the realms of heaven to come to this sin- sick world. Diane and I were just talking, what do you think heaven was like when Jesus left?--He most likely left with all the angels singing Holy, Holy, Holy and most certainly a huge hole was left when He was gone. Jesus leaves heaven with the angels singing and Glorifying His name to later hearing Crucify Him, Crucify Him here on earth. His love for us is so great that He still choose to come to earth to save us sick and sinful souls. I try to keep that vision in mind this time at Christmas, how God's plan was being fulfilled and brought to life, but must admit, Christmas is still a very hard time of year.
I am healing slowly, and do not need to write as often, which is a good thing--but writing some how helps me put my thoughts into perceptive. I can start with my focus on myself--feeling sorry for myself, and end with my focus back on our Great God where my strength is found.
Since Taylor has died, none of us go into or even spend very much time in his bedroom. It is just too hard to see all his clothes in the closet, all this personal stuff on his dresser, his underwear in the dresser drawers, so we just made it easy on ourselves and don't go in there much. Spencer and Taylor did share a room, so it did make it harder for Spenc. But when Spenc started Christmas break, he said, Mom do you care if I change my room around. In my heart, I knew that was a step in healing for Spenc, but at the same time, I just wanted it to stay the same---As painful as I knew it would be, to move Taylor's stuff and put it away, I wanted to help Spenc to move to the next step of healing, so that evening Jeff and Spenc moved the furniture all around, as they got done moving everything, Spenc looked at me and asked what should I do with Taylor's stuff, we just stood there staring at all Tay's things, all lost in our own thoughts, memories for each little item sitting on his dresser. There hanging on a hook was Taylor's first hat that he wore until it was in threads, but he loved it and wore it everywhere as a little boy. It became so much a part of him, we had to keep it---so we hung it in his room--there was his first baseball mitt hanging beside the hat. That was also something we had to keep, I don't think that mitt ever seen a ball---Tay was so cute out on those baseball fields when he was a little boy, but couldn't catch a thing-- but could run as fast as lighting. Then Spenc opened the dresser drawers where all Tay's underwear and t-shirts were--ya, the ones I washed a thousand times and he asks what should I do with these. I could have melted to the floor in tears, but thought that is not going to make this any easier for me or Spenc. We did end up moving some of the things that were Tay's, but we could not get enough energy to clean out all of his drawers yet. By the time we were done, the room looked totally different. Part of me was really sad and could have collasped into tears because it felt like we were "putting" Tay away and moving on to the next phase of life, but yes, in my heart I knew, it is only a room, and he will be forever in my heart, I will never "put" him away. I have to say, dealing with Tay's things and Christmas approaching was getting to me.---I was feeling like I was fighting a losing battle, slipping deeper and deeper into sadness and despair, so I decided to open a devotional book from Max Lucado that someone so kindly gave me a couple of months ago. I wanted God to come and throw me a life line, or to come and hold me awhile, to come and bring His Amazing Grace, just anything to help me through the day. I wanted to feel God's closeness to me, to see His faithfulness once again, I knew God knew exactly where I was and how I was feeling, and that I needed His help. So after saying a little prayer, I just opened the devotional book, and it opened to the page that was titled "God Knows What's Best"---i knew He would show up, I had to even smile a little through the tears---He is so faithful, and does meet all of our needs. It started out with the verse Proverbs 3:5 "Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding"---I thought how fitting for me this very day, I was trusting on my own feelings, well I don't know about trusting, but lost in my own well of sorrow--thinking another Christmas without Taylor---then it went on to say "The problem with this world is that it doesn't fit. Oh, it will do for now, but it isn't TAILOR -made." I thought WOW, God even used Taylor's name to get my attention, so He had my full attention now, what was God going to tell me today. It went on to say "We were made to live with God, but on earth we live by faith. We were made to live forever, but on this earth we live but for a moment" So God is saying, Yes, you will live with me, but you must live by faith until that day, and it will be just a moment in time compared to eternity---then it went on to say " We must trust God. We must trust not only that He does what is BEST but that He KNOWS what is ahead. It says in Isaiah 57:1-2 that good men perish, the godly die before their time---no one seems to realize that God is taking them away from the evil days ahead. For the godly who die shall rest in peace." God is once again, so kindly telling me---He KNEW what was BEST for Tay, even on bad days, when my heart is breaking from missing him almost unbearably, I need to gather up every ounce of faith that is in my body and remember and believe with all my heart this to be true, because we all know God is unable to lie--God knows what He is doing !---it goes on to say "what a thought, God is taking them away from the evil days ahead. Could death be God's grace? Could the funeral wreath be God's safety ring? As horrible as the grave may be, could it be God's protection from the future". Could God be telling me, that yes, I know you are hurting from losing Tay, but try to believe that I took him that hot and humid August night because I wanted to protect him from the evil days that lie ahead. Tay was a type of kid that was more of a follower than a leader, so perhaps God wanted to save him from terrible things, or maybe the days ahead are going to be so terrible that death was truly God's safety ring for Tay. By the time I was done with this devotion, that I am sure God hand picked for me that day, i could once again feel the peace of God. I have come to realized that the peace of God is not at all attached to circumstances, that is happiness which comes and goes with what is happening around you, but the peace and joy of God is when I have surrendered complete control of every corner of my heart and know God knows Best and will do what is Best, even in the mist of the darkest days. Like somebody just said, you do all your learning in the valley's, never on the mountain tops.
So, ya, Christmas is in just a few days, and yes, there are some really hard moments, it is not just Christmas day when we are all together as a family, but it starts way back when we put up the tree and hung the stockings up--yes, we put his up right along with the rest--and buying the gifts---I would often stop and think, just what would Taylor have liked this year, would he have wanted something for his 4 wheeler, or maybe a new gun, never any clothes on his Christmas list, that was not a gift in his eyes. I was talking to Brooke and we both said, as the season began we both felt pretty strong, but as the season continued on toward Christmas we got more and more weary and it became harder and harder. No, there is nothing easy about these streets of grieving, but God does and will continue to kindly bring us along with Him each and every day. God knows our pain, but He also said this is not our home, only a journey, but in our pain, God is there. It reminds me like what somebody once said--"there is a window in our hearts through which we see God. Most of the time, thankfully that window is clear and our vision of God is crisp, but sometimes out of no where a pebble hits the window and cracks it. (The pebble is a deep unexpected pain or fiery trial). Suddenly God is not so easily seen--that view that was so crisp and clear and easy to see is now changed. Now I have to look much harder and deeper and closer to see God, and sometimes as hard as I try to look to see Him all I can see is the crack. In those times, I just have to trust in my heart that God is still there and closer than I ever dreamed. For example, within the last week, i have opened up my bible to the same chapter, and read the same verse Eph. 3:18 "may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge---that you many be filled with the measure of all the fullness of God." So, even if I can't see or feel God on some of the darkest days, I just know He is there and loves me more than I can ever understand and that is a comfort all in itself. Merry Christmas to all and I thank each one of you that has continued to pray for us--it has made me a true believer that prayer has great power and does touch the heart of God!
I am healing slowly, and do not need to write as often, which is a good thing--but writing some how helps me put my thoughts into perceptive. I can start with my focus on myself--feeling sorry for myself, and end with my focus back on our Great God where my strength is found.
Since Taylor has died, none of us go into or even spend very much time in his bedroom. It is just too hard to see all his clothes in the closet, all this personal stuff on his dresser, his underwear in the dresser drawers, so we just made it easy on ourselves and don't go in there much. Spencer and Taylor did share a room, so it did make it harder for Spenc. But when Spenc started Christmas break, he said, Mom do you care if I change my room around. In my heart, I knew that was a step in healing for Spenc, but at the same time, I just wanted it to stay the same---As painful as I knew it would be, to move Taylor's stuff and put it away, I wanted to help Spenc to move to the next step of healing, so that evening Jeff and Spenc moved the furniture all around, as they got done moving everything, Spenc looked at me and asked what should I do with Taylor's stuff, we just stood there staring at all Tay's things, all lost in our own thoughts, memories for each little item sitting on his dresser. There hanging on a hook was Taylor's first hat that he wore until it was in threads, but he loved it and wore it everywhere as a little boy. It became so much a part of him, we had to keep it---so we hung it in his room--there was his first baseball mitt hanging beside the hat. That was also something we had to keep, I don't think that mitt ever seen a ball---Tay was so cute out on those baseball fields when he was a little boy, but couldn't catch a thing-- but could run as fast as lighting. Then Spenc opened the dresser drawers where all Tay's underwear and t-shirts were--ya, the ones I washed a thousand times and he asks what should I do with these. I could have melted to the floor in tears, but thought that is not going to make this any easier for me or Spenc. We did end up moving some of the things that were Tay's, but we could not get enough energy to clean out all of his drawers yet. By the time we were done, the room looked totally different. Part of me was really sad and could have collasped into tears because it felt like we were "putting" Tay away and moving on to the next phase of life, but yes, in my heart I knew, it is only a room, and he will be forever in my heart, I will never "put" him away. I have to say, dealing with Tay's things and Christmas approaching was getting to me.---I was feeling like I was fighting a losing battle, slipping deeper and deeper into sadness and despair, so I decided to open a devotional book from Max Lucado that someone so kindly gave me a couple of months ago. I wanted God to come and throw me a life line, or to come and hold me awhile, to come and bring His Amazing Grace, just anything to help me through the day. I wanted to feel God's closeness to me, to see His faithfulness once again, I knew God knew exactly where I was and how I was feeling, and that I needed His help. So after saying a little prayer, I just opened the devotional book, and it opened to the page that was titled "God Knows What's Best"---i knew He would show up, I had to even smile a little through the tears---He is so faithful, and does meet all of our needs. It started out with the verse Proverbs 3:5 "Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding"---I thought how fitting for me this very day, I was trusting on my own feelings, well I don't know about trusting, but lost in my own well of sorrow--thinking another Christmas without Taylor---then it went on to say "The problem with this world is that it doesn't fit. Oh, it will do for now, but it isn't TAILOR -made." I thought WOW, God even used Taylor's name to get my attention, so He had my full attention now, what was God going to tell me today. It went on to say "We were made to live with God, but on earth we live by faith. We were made to live forever, but on this earth we live but for a moment" So God is saying, Yes, you will live with me, but you must live by faith until that day, and it will be just a moment in time compared to eternity---then it went on to say " We must trust God. We must trust not only that He does what is BEST but that He KNOWS what is ahead. It says in Isaiah 57:1-2 that good men perish, the godly die before their time---no one seems to realize that God is taking them away from the evil days ahead. For the godly who die shall rest in peace." God is once again, so kindly telling me---He KNEW what was BEST for Tay, even on bad days, when my heart is breaking from missing him almost unbearably, I need to gather up every ounce of faith that is in my body and remember and believe with all my heart this to be true, because we all know God is unable to lie--God knows what He is doing !---it goes on to say "what a thought, God is taking them away from the evil days ahead. Could death be God's grace? Could the funeral wreath be God's safety ring? As horrible as the grave may be, could it be God's protection from the future". Could God be telling me, that yes, I know you are hurting from losing Tay, but try to believe that I took him that hot and humid August night because I wanted to protect him from the evil days that lie ahead. Tay was a type of kid that was more of a follower than a leader, so perhaps God wanted to save him from terrible things, or maybe the days ahead are going to be so terrible that death was truly God's safety ring for Tay. By the time I was done with this devotion, that I am sure God hand picked for me that day, i could once again feel the peace of God. I have come to realized that the peace of God is not at all attached to circumstances, that is happiness which comes and goes with what is happening around you, but the peace and joy of God is when I have surrendered complete control of every corner of my heart and know God knows Best and will do what is Best, even in the mist of the darkest days. Like somebody just said, you do all your learning in the valley's, never on the mountain tops.
So, ya, Christmas is in just a few days, and yes, there are some really hard moments, it is not just Christmas day when we are all together as a family, but it starts way back when we put up the tree and hung the stockings up--yes, we put his up right along with the rest--and buying the gifts---I would often stop and think, just what would Taylor have liked this year, would he have wanted something for his 4 wheeler, or maybe a new gun, never any clothes on his Christmas list, that was not a gift in his eyes. I was talking to Brooke and we both said, as the season began we both felt pretty strong, but as the season continued on toward Christmas we got more and more weary and it became harder and harder. No, there is nothing easy about these streets of grieving, but God does and will continue to kindly bring us along with Him each and every day. God knows our pain, but He also said this is not our home, only a journey, but in our pain, God is there. It reminds me like what somebody once said--"there is a window in our hearts through which we see God. Most of the time, thankfully that window is clear and our vision of God is crisp, but sometimes out of no where a pebble hits the window and cracks it. (The pebble is a deep unexpected pain or fiery trial). Suddenly God is not so easily seen--that view that was so crisp and clear and easy to see is now changed. Now I have to look much harder and deeper and closer to see God, and sometimes as hard as I try to look to see Him all I can see is the crack. In those times, I just have to trust in my heart that God is still there and closer than I ever dreamed. For example, within the last week, i have opened up my bible to the same chapter, and read the same verse Eph. 3:18 "may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge---that you many be filled with the measure of all the fullness of God." So, even if I can't see or feel God on some of the darkest days, I just know He is there and loves me more than I can ever understand and that is a comfort all in itself. Merry Christmas to all and I thank each one of you that has continued to pray for us--it has made me a true believer that prayer has great power and does touch the heart of God!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Thanksgiving 2010
I dreaded the holidays so much last year and here they are again. Time does move on whether we want it to or not. As I think back to what I was feeling last year at this time and how I feel today--God has definitely done some healing in my heart. I am not going to lie, holidays are hard and probably will be for a long time. In this last year, God has carried me many, many times, but He also has given me times when He told me--yes, you can walk, I will be right here beside you. I realized God is not going to take the pain away, at least for a long time, but in all that time He wants me to continue to Glorify His name---some days that can be so easy, but on other days, I just want to focus on me and my hurt.
The summer when this all happened, I was praying--God for some reason, I am getting the feeling that I am to go back to school to become a massage therapist, not knowing what all that would entail. I continued to pray if that was what He wanted He would open doors, and if even one door closed I would take it as it was not to be. So, everything just fell into place, just as if God was just one step in front of me taking care of every detail. I was excited and scared all at the same time, because I could not even remember the last time I had to study more than a few hours at one time. So, as July rolled around of 2009, I was all enrolled and planning on starting in September of 2009. On August 16th, God changed my life forever---this was definitely not in my cards that I was holding, but God took those cards and replaced them with His cards. As i was there trying to hold those shattered cards, school was the furthest thing from my mind. As I started to pick up my cards and put the pieces back together in some sorta of way, I realized that I had orientation for school on the 9th of September, and school was to start almost exactly one month after Taylor's accident. I was still praying---God what am I to do, did I actually get this all wrong, was that not You opening all the doors and giving me the peace that I was going in the direction You were guiding---I remember praying saying--You surely don't want me to go now, You know I can't do this---I am so confused. In my praying, I still would continue to get the answer that this still what God wanted me to do---so I decided to go to the orientation. As I sat through that, I thought, I can't do this---my mind was so consumed with grief, I barely knew where I was. I also looked around at the other people there and knew I just wouldn't fit in. I came home, praying, God I am just too tired and sad to even think about this, I must have made a mistake in thinking that is what you wanted me to do, but something deep inside kept saying, no, that is what I want you to do. These classes where on Friday and Saturday, and I really didn't want to do the weekends, so thought if God really wanted me to do this, He would work some other days out. So, I e-mailed the advisor and told her I would not be coming to those classes, but if they ever have classed through the week, let me know--thinking I was off the hook. A couple of weeks later, she e-mailed back and said they were starting a new class in January and this time it was going to be on Wednesday and Thursday and going to be a much smaller class. As I sat there reading that email, I couldn't believe it---thinking God do you really want me to do this, You do remember I am in this terrible journey of grief, I don't think I can----but a little voice was saying, You are right, you can't, but I can. So, I signed up again for the orientation in January of 2010. As it goes with asking people in what they thought I should do, some would say, oh ya, give it a try, or others would say, oh, it is way too soon----in my heart, I would like to have agreed with the ones that said, oh, that is way too soon, but knew God was trying to have me step way out of my comfort zone---way out. This was something i didn't feel ready or able to even think about let alone do. I got up that cold Friday morning and went to orientation. Of course I was praying all through these weeks, that if this is really what God wanted that He would prepare the class for me and me for the class. He did just that, the class was much smaller and most were around my age and felt like perhaps I could fit in. I had one week to decide if I was going ahead with classes or going to withdraw. The feeling just stuck --this is what I want for you-, even though on that first morning I would have given anything to just stay in bed and pull the covers over my head and say, I can't do this. I have to say,-- no, nothing was easy about it---I was still in deep grieving, the textbooks were huge. As I looked through the anatomy book, it almost looked like a foreign language--the only thing that was looking good was the people, they were friendly. For some strange reason, it was sorta a comfort that nobody knew one thing about me----nobody knew a thing about my past, maybe it was a small escape in some way---I could pretend I was "normal". That first quarter was so hard--studying was brutal, some days I would cry almost all the way to school. Two separate times I came home and thought, God, I think I made a mistake here, I just can't handle this terrible grief and all the studying, I just want to quit. I am the type of person that likes signs from God, so each time I would pray for a sign. It was like God was saying how many times do I have to tell you this, --I want you right here for now--so He would so graciously give me just the sign I was asking for if I was to stay. So, I would say to myself, Ok, I will stay one more week. As I look back, I see now, it was good for me, even though at times it was extremely hard trying to get through each day and studying for huge tests, it did help me on some days to focus on something other than all my losses. I tried to pray each day before class that God would prepare me for the class and the class for me. I also prayed that I could be a "light" for God, that they would just know something was different in me---no, most are not Christians---One day, this one guy for some reason started going around the room and asking each of us if we went to church, and most said no, and one said, sometimes, and when he got to me, I said yes I do, and he says every Sunday, and I said yes, and I am in a bible study too, and he looked at me and sorta sighed and said, I use to go, and I really liked it, alot of times it gave me something to think on for days, maybe I should start going again. They pretty much all know that I am different, maybe they just think strange, I am not sure :) but anyway, if they are talking about things they think are not appropriate, they will say, you better not hear this--and I laugh and say, you are right, I better not. This one lady is even starting to say she is praying for people, and one day somebody gave her some money to pay a bill and she looked at me and said, God really does answer prayers. As time went on a few did find out about Taylor, and they just said, I could never get through something like that--and I said, I couldn't either, God is getting me through----so as my year is soon ending, God is amazing, but does that surprise me--not even a little bit!!---He knew just the right place for me, and the perfect timing---He knew it would be one more tool to help me through that terrible first year, and I am praying His name was Glorified in some way in those classes---I pray they could see Him in me and hopefully some day they will want that too. I am now praying,-- that school is just about over, that He will once again open the doors where He wants me to be. I don't care about the money, just some place where I can Glorify His name and help people to maybe feel just alittle bit better.
Yes, I am thankful this Thanksgiving for many, many things---but most of all, that God has picked me, and my family to be His children. He has been so very faithful and granted us just the right amount of Grace each and every day through out this last year. I love you, Jesus, with all of my heart---You are the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords of my heart.
Before I close I just want to give you something to think on---It has stopped me and made me think---What if God treated you-- like you treated Him----and What if God answered your prayers like you answered His calls. I had to think, some days, I could be in big trouble---if God was just too busy to listen, or to help, or carry me through the terrible day-----
The summer when this all happened, I was praying--God for some reason, I am getting the feeling that I am to go back to school to become a massage therapist, not knowing what all that would entail. I continued to pray if that was what He wanted He would open doors, and if even one door closed I would take it as it was not to be. So, everything just fell into place, just as if God was just one step in front of me taking care of every detail. I was excited and scared all at the same time, because I could not even remember the last time I had to study more than a few hours at one time. So, as July rolled around of 2009, I was all enrolled and planning on starting in September of 2009. On August 16th, God changed my life forever---this was definitely not in my cards that I was holding, but God took those cards and replaced them with His cards. As i was there trying to hold those shattered cards, school was the furthest thing from my mind. As I started to pick up my cards and put the pieces back together in some sorta of way, I realized that I had orientation for school on the 9th of September, and school was to start almost exactly one month after Taylor's accident. I was still praying---God what am I to do, did I actually get this all wrong, was that not You opening all the doors and giving me the peace that I was going in the direction You were guiding---I remember praying saying--You surely don't want me to go now, You know I can't do this---I am so confused. In my praying, I still would continue to get the answer that this still what God wanted me to do---so I decided to go to the orientation. As I sat through that, I thought, I can't do this---my mind was so consumed with grief, I barely knew where I was. I also looked around at the other people there and knew I just wouldn't fit in. I came home, praying, God I am just too tired and sad to even think about this, I must have made a mistake in thinking that is what you wanted me to do, but something deep inside kept saying, no, that is what I want you to do. These classes where on Friday and Saturday, and I really didn't want to do the weekends, so thought if God really wanted me to do this, He would work some other days out. So, I e-mailed the advisor and told her I would not be coming to those classes, but if they ever have classed through the week, let me know--thinking I was off the hook. A couple of weeks later, she e-mailed back and said they were starting a new class in January and this time it was going to be on Wednesday and Thursday and going to be a much smaller class. As I sat there reading that email, I couldn't believe it---thinking God do you really want me to do this, You do remember I am in this terrible journey of grief, I don't think I can----but a little voice was saying, You are right, you can't, but I can. So, I signed up again for the orientation in January of 2010. As it goes with asking people in what they thought I should do, some would say, oh ya, give it a try, or others would say, oh, it is way too soon----in my heart, I would like to have agreed with the ones that said, oh, that is way too soon, but knew God was trying to have me step way out of my comfort zone---way out. This was something i didn't feel ready or able to even think about let alone do. I got up that cold Friday morning and went to orientation. Of course I was praying all through these weeks, that if this is really what God wanted that He would prepare the class for me and me for the class. He did just that, the class was much smaller and most were around my age and felt like perhaps I could fit in. I had one week to decide if I was going ahead with classes or going to withdraw. The feeling just stuck --this is what I want for you-, even though on that first morning I would have given anything to just stay in bed and pull the covers over my head and say, I can't do this. I have to say,-- no, nothing was easy about it---I was still in deep grieving, the textbooks were huge. As I looked through the anatomy book, it almost looked like a foreign language--the only thing that was looking good was the people, they were friendly. For some strange reason, it was sorta a comfort that nobody knew one thing about me----nobody knew a thing about my past, maybe it was a small escape in some way---I could pretend I was "normal". That first quarter was so hard--studying was brutal, some days I would cry almost all the way to school. Two separate times I came home and thought, God, I think I made a mistake here, I just can't handle this terrible grief and all the studying, I just want to quit. I am the type of person that likes signs from God, so each time I would pray for a sign. It was like God was saying how many times do I have to tell you this, --I want you right here for now--so He would so graciously give me just the sign I was asking for if I was to stay. So, I would say to myself, Ok, I will stay one more week. As I look back, I see now, it was good for me, even though at times it was extremely hard trying to get through each day and studying for huge tests, it did help me on some days to focus on something other than all my losses. I tried to pray each day before class that God would prepare me for the class and the class for me. I also prayed that I could be a "light" for God, that they would just know something was different in me---no, most are not Christians---One day, this one guy for some reason started going around the room and asking each of us if we went to church, and most said no, and one said, sometimes, and when he got to me, I said yes I do, and he says every Sunday, and I said yes, and I am in a bible study too, and he looked at me and sorta sighed and said, I use to go, and I really liked it, alot of times it gave me something to think on for days, maybe I should start going again. They pretty much all know that I am different, maybe they just think strange, I am not sure :) but anyway, if they are talking about things they think are not appropriate, they will say, you better not hear this--and I laugh and say, you are right, I better not. This one lady is even starting to say she is praying for people, and one day somebody gave her some money to pay a bill and she looked at me and said, God really does answer prayers. As time went on a few did find out about Taylor, and they just said, I could never get through something like that--and I said, I couldn't either, God is getting me through----so as my year is soon ending, God is amazing, but does that surprise me--not even a little bit!!---He knew just the right place for me, and the perfect timing---He knew it would be one more tool to help me through that terrible first year, and I am praying His name was Glorified in some way in those classes---I pray they could see Him in me and hopefully some day they will want that too. I am now praying,-- that school is just about over, that He will once again open the doors where He wants me to be. I don't care about the money, just some place where I can Glorify His name and help people to maybe feel just alittle bit better.
Yes, I am thankful this Thanksgiving for many, many things---but most of all, that God has picked me, and my family to be His children. He has been so very faithful and granted us just the right amount of Grace each and every day through out this last year. I love you, Jesus, with all of my heart---You are the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords of my heart.
Before I close I just want to give you something to think on---It has stopped me and made me think---What if God treated you-- like you treated Him----and What if God answered your prayers like you answered His calls. I had to think, some days, I could be in big trouble---if God was just too busy to listen, or to help, or carry me through the terrible day-----
Monday, October 11, 2010
Healing??
Healing---just what does that look like----Is that when you can smile again, or maybe even laugh now and then, is it when you can look at pictures and not fall into a puddle of tears, or maybe when memories don't rip your heart out anymore, or maybe still when you can take their clothes out of the closet and dressers and put then in boxes? Healing for me will most likely be a constant long term process til the day we are together again. Some days, I can look at pictures, and smile and other days, it is just too painful to even look at pictures at all. Memories are all very bittersweet. I can't even think about putting his things away yet. I sometimes wonder if the journey of grief is closely related to a chronic pain. At first it is very painful and you are searching for ways to ease the pain, and then you begin wondering is this how I will always feel, how will I ever be able to live with this the rest of my life----all you want is for this pain to go away, for it to go back to the way it was, but you know in your heart that door to normalcy is closed forever and you have to find a new path. I am thankful the acute ache does start to ease somewhat, but that chronic pain is always there---sometimes you can get busy and maybe don't notice it quite as much, but as soon as you get quite it comes right back. You wonder does the day ever come, when you just get use to that pain? No, nobody ever gets use to pain, pain always hurts. I had to think with a physical pain, you can go to the medicine cabinet and take some pain killers to at least dull it for a while, but with a heart pain, you can take as many painkillers as you want but it will not touch the pain that is soaring through your heart. There is only one thing that can dull the pain, or even remove it at least for a while and that is hanging onto God with both hands----His mercies are new each and every day. Even thought i can feel I have used them all up by the time I lay my head on the pillow, the next morning there is more than enough to get me through the day. I am thankful for the Grace that God provides---it is always just the right amount.
I went home to visit mom and dad---I went by myself, so I had many hours while driving to spend with God and just thinking. I am not sure if this was a good thing or not, but I decided to take Taylor's funeral CD with me to listen too. I was somewhat hesitant to put it in, because I knew it would bring back many many memories, but also knew Ron said alot of things that I did not remember but knew most likely i could draw encouragement from. As it started and i heard them start to sing "Precious Memories"---I did think there is nothing "Precious" about this moment, but anyway, I could in my mind see the flashes of that morning all of us gathering around the casket, all the emotion and then lining up behind the casket to go in. As I listened to Ron speak, I realized I did not remember very much of what he said that day----He said things that were so true such as, satan is just waiting to knock you flat, drag you down the lane of despair, anger, discouragement. He related it to us walking down the streets of a beautiful city with tall buildings on each side and satan and his demons in each of those buildings trying to lure us inside. As I thought about that, I realized how true that is. As I am walking down these streets trying to keep my focus on Jesus which is in front of me, satan is standing off to my side waving his arms trying to get my attention to come in and visit his building---he says, no I don't have to stay long, just come visit---he wants me to let my mind just ask a few simple questions, he is saying---no, there is nothing wrong with questions--why should i not be able to ask these questions---, but the problem is-- on this side of heaven there are no answers to many of those questions---and satan knows that. Satan knows if he can get me to come in, maybe even just to the door, he will have me. Like Ron said, never, and I mean never go inside, not even for a little bit, it will be a very hard and a dangerous road back, so focus---focus on Jesus's face. Then he used this Psalm--91. In part it says--"He (Jesus) will cover you with his feathers and under his wings you will find refuge: His faithfulness will be your shield. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you" Ron said, satan can try to get me to ask all the questions he and his demons want to, but if I am focused on Jesus-- Jesus will block every one of those questions from ever entering my mind. Jesus will stand as my shield. If it was not for Jesus standing in for my shield, I would never make it. Also, he used the verse Exodus 14:13-14 that says the same thing--"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. THE LORD WILL FIGHT FOR YOU; YOU NEED ONLY TO BE STILL" It sounds so easy, just stand behind Jesus, but in all reality it is not as easy as it sounds. I had to think there is spiritual warfare going on all around us every day, probably every minute. These are promises God has given us, and even if at times I don't feel them, I just have to believe them in my heart---that is what faith is all about. Even knowing all this, I still find myself slipping not into the buildings of satan, but taking my eyes off of Jesus and maybe slipping off into the grass instead of staying on the narrow sidewalk. As Ron was speaking and saying to the young kids, what if this was your casket up here instead of taylor where would you be. Oh, I thought--how I wish that was true, Taylor would be sitting out in the congregation with his friends and would come home that night for dinner. Ron said God wanted to shake up the community and He picked Taylor-----I had to think all the people that live in Wayne Co, God picks Taylor---Why??, but as I am asking each question in my heart, I find I am getting closer and closer to satan doorway. As satan is waving his arms trying to get and keep my attention on his lies, Jesus is quietly saying in my ear, Look at Me---Get behind Me---I will fight these battles. So, now the choice is up to me. Where is my focus going to be. It is so easy to say "I trust God" or My God is so faithful" but when God takes away one of the most precious things in life, can I still say that and mean it. In adversity there is only one way to go and that is to move though it with Jesus at your side, standing still will only cripple you and eventually cause death. I can truly say, God has been faithful and yes I trust Him with all my heart---if Taylor is going to be taken, what better hands would I ever want him in. Yes, I would like for this pain to stop, wish there was a pill to take to ease it all away, but that is not possible. God is the only one that can ease the pain.
I have only had one dream of Taylor until last night, I was dreaming that we were all together and taylor was there too. The thing was, we all knew this was Taylor's last day, but he was clueless. He was so happy, smiling and yes, he was driving his four wheeler, in fact he was giving little kids rides around the yard. All I could do was stare at his face and kept thinking-- is there any way I can stop this from happening. We really could not touch or even speak with him, but we all knew what was ahead. When I woke up, it was like satan was once again, waving his arms and calling my name to just come visit him again, he had alittle more discouragement, and sadness to happily give me. Jesus was saying quietly look over here at me, I will help you through this dark night---the verse He brought to mind was Isa. 41:13 "For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you---Do Not Fear, I will Help You." After repeating this verse many times, i felt His peace come over me and I could go back to sleep. He did take my hand and walk me through the night. So, yes, I believe grieving a child is like a chronic condition--you learn to live with the pain, but know where your comfort, relieve, and Grace are found. I heard somebody say, that when they lost their child some of the most comforting words were ---I will personalize it for me---"Taylor is much more a part of my future than he was of my past"---how true, i had him for twenty years--yes it feels way to short of time, but when I look at the the whole picture, twenty years will only be a tiny tiny spec in the line of eternity and yes, I get to spend all eternity with him and Jesus our King. So yes, I have a choice and I choose to believe and trust even when I don't feel like it. This chronic pain will not last forever, only a spec of time.
I went home to visit mom and dad---I went by myself, so I had many hours while driving to spend with God and just thinking. I am not sure if this was a good thing or not, but I decided to take Taylor's funeral CD with me to listen too. I was somewhat hesitant to put it in, because I knew it would bring back many many memories, but also knew Ron said alot of things that I did not remember but knew most likely i could draw encouragement from. As it started and i heard them start to sing "Precious Memories"---I did think there is nothing "Precious" about this moment, but anyway, I could in my mind see the flashes of that morning all of us gathering around the casket, all the emotion and then lining up behind the casket to go in. As I listened to Ron speak, I realized I did not remember very much of what he said that day----He said things that were so true such as, satan is just waiting to knock you flat, drag you down the lane of despair, anger, discouragement. He related it to us walking down the streets of a beautiful city with tall buildings on each side and satan and his demons in each of those buildings trying to lure us inside. As I thought about that, I realized how true that is. As I am walking down these streets trying to keep my focus on Jesus which is in front of me, satan is standing off to my side waving his arms trying to get my attention to come in and visit his building---he says, no I don't have to stay long, just come visit---he wants me to let my mind just ask a few simple questions, he is saying---no, there is nothing wrong with questions--why should i not be able to ask these questions---, but the problem is-- on this side of heaven there are no answers to many of those questions---and satan knows that. Satan knows if he can get me to come in, maybe even just to the door, he will have me. Like Ron said, never, and I mean never go inside, not even for a little bit, it will be a very hard and a dangerous road back, so focus---focus on Jesus's face. Then he used this Psalm--91. In part it says--"He (Jesus) will cover you with his feathers and under his wings you will find refuge: His faithfulness will be your shield. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you" Ron said, satan can try to get me to ask all the questions he and his demons want to, but if I am focused on Jesus-- Jesus will block every one of those questions from ever entering my mind. Jesus will stand as my shield. If it was not for Jesus standing in for my shield, I would never make it. Also, he used the verse Exodus 14:13-14 that says the same thing--"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. THE LORD WILL FIGHT FOR YOU; YOU NEED ONLY TO BE STILL" It sounds so easy, just stand behind Jesus, but in all reality it is not as easy as it sounds. I had to think there is spiritual warfare going on all around us every day, probably every minute. These are promises God has given us, and even if at times I don't feel them, I just have to believe them in my heart---that is what faith is all about. Even knowing all this, I still find myself slipping not into the buildings of satan, but taking my eyes off of Jesus and maybe slipping off into the grass instead of staying on the narrow sidewalk. As Ron was speaking and saying to the young kids, what if this was your casket up here instead of taylor where would you be. Oh, I thought--how I wish that was true, Taylor would be sitting out in the congregation with his friends and would come home that night for dinner. Ron said God wanted to shake up the community and He picked Taylor-----I had to think all the people that live in Wayne Co, God picks Taylor---Why??, but as I am asking each question in my heart, I find I am getting closer and closer to satan doorway. As satan is waving his arms trying to get and keep my attention on his lies, Jesus is quietly saying in my ear, Look at Me---Get behind Me---I will fight these battles. So, now the choice is up to me. Where is my focus going to be. It is so easy to say "I trust God" or My God is so faithful" but when God takes away one of the most precious things in life, can I still say that and mean it. In adversity there is only one way to go and that is to move though it with Jesus at your side, standing still will only cripple you and eventually cause death. I can truly say, God has been faithful and yes I trust Him with all my heart---if Taylor is going to be taken, what better hands would I ever want him in. Yes, I would like for this pain to stop, wish there was a pill to take to ease it all away, but that is not possible. God is the only one that can ease the pain.
I have only had one dream of Taylor until last night, I was dreaming that we were all together and taylor was there too. The thing was, we all knew this was Taylor's last day, but he was clueless. He was so happy, smiling and yes, he was driving his four wheeler, in fact he was giving little kids rides around the yard. All I could do was stare at his face and kept thinking-- is there any way I can stop this from happening. We really could not touch or even speak with him, but we all knew what was ahead. When I woke up, it was like satan was once again, waving his arms and calling my name to just come visit him again, he had alittle more discouragement, and sadness to happily give me. Jesus was saying quietly look over here at me, I will help you through this dark night---the verse He brought to mind was Isa. 41:13 "For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you---Do Not Fear, I will Help You." After repeating this verse many times, i felt His peace come over me and I could go back to sleep. He did take my hand and walk me through the night. So, yes, I believe grieving a child is like a chronic condition--you learn to live with the pain, but know where your comfort, relieve, and Grace are found. I heard somebody say, that when they lost their child some of the most comforting words were ---I will personalize it for me---"Taylor is much more a part of my future than he was of my past"---how true, i had him for twenty years--yes it feels way to short of time, but when I look at the the whole picture, twenty years will only be a tiny tiny spec in the line of eternity and yes, I get to spend all eternity with him and Jesus our King. So yes, I have a choice and I choose to believe and trust even when I don't feel like it. This chronic pain will not last forever, only a spec of time.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Monday at the Fair
I was not going to go to the fair this year---the memories were just too painful, but then Brooke's friend could not go with her, so she asked me if I wanted to go. It was a beautiful day- a great day for the fair, but did I want to go and let all those memories flood my mind and soul---I just didn't know. In the end I did decide to go with her. I heard the tractor pull going on in the background, but knew that was too painful to go watch. Jeff decided that he wanted to go watch it, and even called us when Craig Marty, (the tractor Taylor would have pulled) was ready to start his pull. I told him, not this year, maybe next year. Just the day before or so, I had gotten into Taylor's truck and was looking in his glove box and came across several pictures of him pulling that he had put in there. He was so proud of them, he had them all nicely tucked away. As i looked at them, my mind floated back to the days he was pulling. Yes, it is so easy to slip back to those days, and find myself missing him so terribly, but then I try to refocus and think yes i love Taylor with all my heart and always will, but God even loves him more and did what was best for Taylor and some day I will see the whole picture---but until then, I just need to trust.
I did find being at the fair was a whole lot easier than last year---yes, it was painful, but not crippling. As we were walking from barn to barn I happened to look up and I seen a boy wearing the "famous Yamaha" Taylor shirt with his racing number and in loving memory on the back. As I got closer I realized that is one friend I had never meet---I did not know this boy. I would have loved to talk with him, but he was busy talking to other people. I asked Brooke if she knew this boy and she also said no. Then as we were getting ready to leave, we ran into two different kids with that same shirt on. We did know these two kids and talked with them a little. I can not explain how it touches my heart that these kids want to keep Tay's memory right up close and personal. It seems like every time we talk with them, there is a new "story" they want to tell us. Yes, Aug 16th changed our lives forever, but I am truly touched how other people remember to pray for us almost every day even though it has been over a year. I ran into another person who said they have Taylor's pic up in their trailer and every time she looks at it, will say a little prayer. Some people say they still pray for us by name every day----God has brought great people into our lives. It has all taught me a new meaning to the word compassion. God has shown me what His love can look like coming through His children----I had to think heaven will be filled with His saints showing this kind of love each an every day and Jesus will be the King of Love and Compassion. Then to finish our day at the fair, as Brooke and I was pulling out of the parking lot, we had to wait for a truck that had a pulling tractor on the back to pass. We both just stared as the tractor went by, our eyes were glued to the big white sticker on the side that said "In Loving Memory of Taylor Gasser"----We followed it all the way home---we both said what are the chances of that happening---but then again, nothing is by chance with God----He wanted us to see it-----Maybe to show us that our hearts have healed some---because last year when we seen that tractor with the sticker on it, it ripped our hearts right out and we thought how will we ever make it. Oh, we knew deep down, God was the only way we would ever be able to put one foot in front of the other, but we were barely hanging on from drowning in grief. As we followed that tractor home, I could see the seat of the tractor very clearly and yes, I did imagine Taylor sitting up there pulling again with a big grin on his face---through the a tear or two, I did have to smile----He loved the tractor pulls, oh, but Heaven is so much better than all of this----watch the eastern skies---Jesus is soon coming back----there is nothing left to happen before the rapture. What a Day That Will Be!! It will be thirteen months tomorrow that we started this journey---one we never planned on taking, but all of this was in God's plan from the day we all were born. What I have learned, God will never send you on a journey alone, He walks right beside you and gives you everything you need to fight the battles.
I did find being at the fair was a whole lot easier than last year---yes, it was painful, but not crippling. As we were walking from barn to barn I happened to look up and I seen a boy wearing the "famous Yamaha" Taylor shirt with his racing number and in loving memory on the back. As I got closer I realized that is one friend I had never meet---I did not know this boy. I would have loved to talk with him, but he was busy talking to other people. I asked Brooke if she knew this boy and she also said no. Then as we were getting ready to leave, we ran into two different kids with that same shirt on. We did know these two kids and talked with them a little. I can not explain how it touches my heart that these kids want to keep Tay's memory right up close and personal. It seems like every time we talk with them, there is a new "story" they want to tell us. Yes, Aug 16th changed our lives forever, but I am truly touched how other people remember to pray for us almost every day even though it has been over a year. I ran into another person who said they have Taylor's pic up in their trailer and every time she looks at it, will say a little prayer. Some people say they still pray for us by name every day----God has brought great people into our lives. It has all taught me a new meaning to the word compassion. God has shown me what His love can look like coming through His children----I had to think heaven will be filled with His saints showing this kind of love each an every day and Jesus will be the King of Love and Compassion. Then to finish our day at the fair, as Brooke and I was pulling out of the parking lot, we had to wait for a truck that had a pulling tractor on the back to pass. We both just stared as the tractor went by, our eyes were glued to the big white sticker on the side that said "In Loving Memory of Taylor Gasser"----We followed it all the way home---we both said what are the chances of that happening---but then again, nothing is by chance with God----He wanted us to see it-----Maybe to show us that our hearts have healed some---because last year when we seen that tractor with the sticker on it, it ripped our hearts right out and we thought how will we ever make it. Oh, we knew deep down, God was the only way we would ever be able to put one foot in front of the other, but we were barely hanging on from drowning in grief. As we followed that tractor home, I could see the seat of the tractor very clearly and yes, I did imagine Taylor sitting up there pulling again with a big grin on his face---through the a tear or two, I did have to smile----He loved the tractor pulls, oh, but Heaven is so much better than all of this----watch the eastern skies---Jesus is soon coming back----there is nothing left to happen before the rapture. What a Day That Will Be!! It will be thirteen months tomorrow that we started this journey---one we never planned on taking, but all of this was in God's plan from the day we all were born. What I have learned, God will never send you on a journey alone, He walks right beside you and gives you everything you need to fight the battles.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Fair Days Once Again
Brooke, Spenc and Jeff all went to the fair tonight to watch the tractor pull. I am not big on tractor pulls, especially those real loud ones. Taylor loved tractor pulls, he use to take my video camera along and tape hours of these tractor pulls, then for weeks later he would watch that video, until we all got so sick of it, we would be praying it would get lost or broke, just anything so we did not have to see or hear all those tractor's one more time. Fair days are rather tough for each of us----we each have our own memories of Taylor and the fair. He always went with them tonight, Jeff even bought an extra ticket, just so Taylor could be with them, at least in spirit. On Monday, he could not wait to pull in the local pull----he would always say, Mom, did you hear is it suppose to be nice on Monday, it is not suppose to rain is it. He would tell all his friends that he was pulling, so when they would call his name for the next pull, the kids would whistle and cheer him on. But he was never very organized, it would never fail, he would come running into the house hours before the pull saying he forgot something, or lost something and him and Jeff would have to scurry around and find what he was missing. Of course we always had to take our video camera and take videos of every minute of his pull and him driving around the track with his tractor. He would always get so nervous when it was his turn, we just use to tease him saying, sure hope you get off the starting line and don't spin out right at the beginning, so when he would go half way down the track until he finally would spin out---he was as happy as could be, he would give a yelp and shake his fist in the air---yes, I have all this on video, but as of yet, it is just too painful to watch, not sure if I will ever be able to, but maybe some day. So, today was a sad day, it was for all of us---each with our own memories of Tay. As I was out hanging up clothes this morning, Jeff was getting some things ready for an upcoming sale out in his garage, and I heard him just sobbing, I know he was missing Tay, and thinking back to when he use to help Tay get his tractor ready to pull. Last year they did the memorial for Tay at the fair's tractor pull, which was really nice, but it was so dreadfully painful, I am not even sure I want to go to the fair this year. It is just filled with so many memories, and as of yet, memories for so painful, but they say someday, they will bring joy. Spencer remembered Tay by wearing the T shirt with his racing number and in loving memory on the back of the shirt tonight to the fair. As I watched him go out the door with that shirt on, I just kept thinking "this just shouldn't be", but it is our reality. In fact, I thought that several times today---I was looking at Spenc's year book, then decided I wanted to look through Taylor's Senior year. As I sat there looking at all those kids pictures that graduated that hot June day in 2008---I kept thinking--Why Taylor, Why him!! They all looked so young and happy, ready to meet life's challenges. I had to think, if at graduation that day they would have said "somebody in this class in going to die next summer", would Taylor had even gave it a thought that it would be him---no, I am sure he would not have. I know asking "Why" is a dangerous question and can take you down a slippery slope real quick, but I just was in that kind of place---why my son!!! Why our family. I have to say, though, that gut wrenching pain has lessened and for that I am thankful. It has moved to missing him terribly, where some days, I think I have to see him today---I guess that is where I am today, but again, I am thankful every day is not like that. As everybody left tonight, I just was praying Please God help me here---God is always faithful in showing up right where I am and picking me up. I was praying and decided to just open the Bible and read where God had me open. It was in first Corinthians 15 where Paul was talking about the dead being raised in a twinkling of an eye with new bodies, and the ones alive will be changed from mortal to immortal--death will no longer have its sting, it will be our victory----I just felt God was telling me once again----Yes, I know you are missing him, but just hold on, you are going to see him again.-- Some alone time with God can make all the difference in how I can see things---Keeping my eyes focused on Jesus is the key---some days much easier said than done---It is so easy to slip into the place "why me, Why our family". God has planted the thought deep in my heart from almost the first day of this journey that I have to keep going back to again and again and that is ---God makes no mistakes, His plan is perfect for each of us----some day, some day I will understand and in the mean time He continues to give me His Grace. I heard this and really liked it Grace is what God gives us that we don't deserve. Mercy is God keeping us from getting what we do deserve. Grace is taking us to Heaven. Mercy is keeping us from Hell. God owes us nothing, but gives us everything. I know that it is so easy to let my circumstances determined my attitude. I know God wants me to find contentment in where He has now placed me---no, I may like where that is, but that is where trust plays a huge part---trust that I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. I had to surrender all my dreams for our family into God's hands, because they were all shattered on that night in August. My dreams were for Taylor along with Brooke and Spenc to grow into super young adults marry the "perfect" spouse and have some great kids that were going to be my grandkids----I have learned or I hope I am learning to surrender what I want and what I think I deserve and have faith to accept what God's plan is for me and our family. I always thought I had to have control of a situation, but found out very quickly God can put me places where I have no control, in fact, I can feel like I am drowning and the only thing I can do is plead for help, but I am finding out control is not what it is cracked up to be, and giving God control is alot more peaceful----He takes very good care of His children.
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