I was not going to go to the fair this year---the memories were just too painful, but then Brooke's friend could not go with her, so she asked me if I wanted to go. It was a beautiful day- a great day for the fair, but did I want to go and let all those memories flood my mind and soul---I just didn't know. In the end I did decide to go with her. I heard the tractor pull going on in the background, but knew that was too painful to go watch. Jeff decided that he wanted to go watch it, and even called us when Craig Marty, (the tractor Taylor would have pulled) was ready to start his pull. I told him, not this year, maybe next year. Just the day before or so, I had gotten into Taylor's truck and was looking in his glove box and came across several pictures of him pulling that he had put in there. He was so proud of them, he had them all nicely tucked away. As i looked at them, my mind floated back to the days he was pulling. Yes, it is so easy to slip back to those days, and find myself missing him so terribly, but then I try to refocus and think yes i love Taylor with all my heart and always will, but God even loves him more and did what was best for Taylor and some day I will see the whole picture---but until then, I just need to trust.
I did find being at the fair was a whole lot easier than last year---yes, it was painful, but not crippling. As we were walking from barn to barn I happened to look up and I seen a boy wearing the "famous Yamaha" Taylor shirt with his racing number and in loving memory on the back. As I got closer I realized that is one friend I had never meet---I did not know this boy. I would have loved to talk with him, but he was busy talking to other people. I asked Brooke if she knew this boy and she also said no. Then as we were getting ready to leave, we ran into two different kids with that same shirt on. We did know these two kids and talked with them a little. I can not explain how it touches my heart that these kids want to keep Tay's memory right up close and personal. It seems like every time we talk with them, there is a new "story" they want to tell us. Yes, Aug 16th changed our lives forever, but I am truly touched how other people remember to pray for us almost every day even though it has been over a year. I ran into another person who said they have Taylor's pic up in their trailer and every time she looks at it, will say a little prayer. Some people say they still pray for us by name every day----God has brought great people into our lives. It has all taught me a new meaning to the word compassion. God has shown me what His love can look like coming through His children----I had to think heaven will be filled with His saints showing this kind of love each an every day and Jesus will be the King of Love and Compassion. Then to finish our day at the fair, as Brooke and I was pulling out of the parking lot, we had to wait for a truck that had a pulling tractor on the back to pass. We both just stared as the tractor went by, our eyes were glued to the big white sticker on the side that said "In Loving Memory of Taylor Gasser"----We followed it all the way home---we both said what are the chances of that happening---but then again, nothing is by chance with God----He wanted us to see it-----Maybe to show us that our hearts have healed some---because last year when we seen that tractor with the sticker on it, it ripped our hearts right out and we thought how will we ever make it. Oh, we knew deep down, God was the only way we would ever be able to put one foot in front of the other, but we were barely hanging on from drowning in grief. As we followed that tractor home, I could see the seat of the tractor very clearly and yes, I did imagine Taylor sitting up there pulling again with a big grin on his face---through the a tear or two, I did have to smile----He loved the tractor pulls, oh, but Heaven is so much better than all of this----watch the eastern skies---Jesus is soon coming back----there is nothing left to happen before the rapture. What a Day That Will Be!! It will be thirteen months tomorrow that we started this journey---one we never planned on taking, but all of this was in God's plan from the day we all were born. What I have learned, God will never send you on a journey alone, He walks right beside you and gives you everything you need to fight the battles.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Brooke, Spenc and Jeff all went to the fair tonight to watch the tractor pull. I am not big on tractor pulls, especially those real loud ones. Taylor loved tractor pulls, he use to take my video camera along and tape hours of these tractor pulls, then for weeks later he would watch that video, until we all got so sick of it, we would be praying it would get lost or broke, just anything so we did not have to see or hear all those tractor's one more time. Fair days are rather tough for each of us----we each have our own memories of Taylor and the fair. He always went with them tonight, Jeff even bought an extra ticket, just so Taylor could be with them, at least in spirit. On Monday, he could not wait to pull in the local pull----he would always say, Mom, did you hear is it suppose to be nice on Monday, it is not suppose to rain is it. He would tell all his friends that he was pulling, so when they would call his name for the next pull, the kids would whistle and cheer him on. But he was never very organized, it would never fail, he would come running into the house hours before the pull saying he forgot something, or lost something and him and Jeff would have to scurry around and find what he was missing. Of course we always had to take our video camera and take videos of every minute of his pull and him driving around the track with his tractor. He would always get so nervous when it was his turn, we just use to tease him saying, sure hope you get off the starting line and don't spin out right at the beginning, so when he would go half way down the track until he finally would spin out---he was as happy as could be, he would give a yelp and shake his fist in the air---yes, I have all this on video, but as of yet, it is just too painful to watch, not sure if I will ever be able to, but maybe some day. So, today was a sad day, it was for all of us---each with our own memories of Tay. As I was out hanging up clothes this morning, Jeff was getting some things ready for an upcoming sale out in his garage, and I heard him just sobbing, I know he was missing Tay, and thinking back to when he use to help Tay get his tractor ready to pull. Last year they did the memorial for Tay at the fair's tractor pull, which was really nice, but it was so dreadfully painful, I am not even sure I want to go to the fair this year. It is just filled with so many memories, and as of yet, memories for so painful, but they say someday, they will bring joy. Spencer remembered Tay by wearing the T shirt with his racing number and in loving memory on the back of the shirt tonight to the fair. As I watched him go out the door with that shirt on, I just kept thinking "this just shouldn't be", but it is our reality. In fact, I thought that several times today---I was looking at Spenc's year book, then decided I wanted to look through Taylor's Senior year. As I sat there looking at all those kids pictures that graduated that hot June day in 2008---I kept thinking--Why Taylor, Why him!! They all looked so young and happy, ready to meet life's challenges. I had to think, if at graduation that day they would have said "somebody in this class in going to die next summer", would Taylor had even gave it a thought that it would be him---no, I am sure he would not have. I know asking "Why" is a dangerous question and can take you down a slippery slope real quick, but I just was in that kind of place---why my son!!! Why our family. I have to say, though, that gut wrenching pain has lessened and for that I am thankful. It has moved to missing him terribly, where some days, I think I have to see him today---I guess that is where I am today, but again, I am thankful every day is not like that. As everybody left tonight, I just was praying Please God help me here---God is always faithful in showing up right where I am and picking me up. I was praying and decided to just open the Bible and read where God had me open. It was in first Corinthians 15 where Paul was talking about the dead being raised in a twinkling of an eye with new bodies, and the ones alive will be changed from mortal to immortal--death will no longer have its sting, it will be our victory----I just felt God was telling me once again----Yes, I know you are missing him, but just hold on, you are going to see him again.-- Some alone time with God can make all the difference in how I can see things---Keeping my eyes focused on Jesus is the key---some days much easier said than done---It is so easy to slip into the place "why me, Why our family". God has planted the thought deep in my heart from almost the first day of this journey that I have to keep going back to again and again and that is ---God makes no mistakes, His plan is perfect for each of us----some day, some day I will understand and in the mean time He continues to give me His Grace. I heard this and really liked it Grace is what God gives us that we don't deserve. Mercy is God keeping us from getting what we do deserve. Grace is taking us to Heaven. Mercy is keeping us from Hell. God owes us nothing, but gives us everything. I know that it is so easy to let my circumstances determined my attitude. I know God wants me to find contentment in where He has now placed me---no, I may like where that is, but that is where trust plays a huge part---trust that I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. I had to surrender all my dreams for our family into God's hands, because they were all shattered on that night in August. My dreams were for Taylor along with Brooke and Spenc to grow into super young adults marry the "perfect" spouse and have some great kids that were going to be my grandkids----I have learned or I hope I am learning to surrender what I want and what I think I deserve and have faith to accept what God's plan is for me and our family. I always thought I had to have control of a situation, but found out very quickly God can put me places where I have no control, in fact, I can feel like I am drowning and the only thing I can do is plead for help, but I am finding out control is not what it is cracked up to be, and giving God control is alot more peaceful----He takes very good care of His children.