Monday, January 25, 2010

Monday afternoon

How am I doing now that it is over five months that our lives have changed forever. Yes, it is much better than those first couple of months. That was such deep sorrow that it is even hard to explain how my heart could ached so badly every minute of every day. God has healed some of that and for that I am very thankful. I have noticed that the grieving is a little bit different. It use to be that I felt an extreme sadness--one almost unbearable to stand 24/7, but now it feels like I have moved from that terrible place at least a little bit. It seems it now hits in waves. I, of course, will never forget, but I can go along for a few days and function half way reasonable, then out of no where it will hit me like a wave coming in out of the ocean at high tide and knocking me flat. For example this week was a hard week---I asked myself why was this week any different than last week. It just seemed every where I looked I was reminded of Taylor. It seemed that my eyes were focusing on all the things that belonged to Taylor. A couple of days ago, I was down the basement and I have walked by them a hundred times but this day was different---There were laying his tennis shoes---it hit me so hard that I could feel this deep sob coming up from my chest. I picked them up and just held them in my hands. They were old one with holes in them--and all beat up. They were so old, but ones he always wore. I know I should just throw them away, but they are so him, and throwing them away in some strange way feels like I am throwing a piece of him away. I don't know, maybe that is what I should do--maybe that would be part of healing. I sometimes wish I just knew what the right thing was to do. I know a counselor would say---Oh, you will know when it is right, --well ,i don't feel I do know what would be healing---sometimes I just feel stuck in sadness that will never go away--- Some days it seems like I will have is one memory after another---one memory may be the last conversation I had with him before I went to Illinois for Dawn's wedding, or it might be on those horrible days of the funeral and viewing. It is like I can be walking along looking ahead and without seeing it a big hole will pop up in front of me and I will trip and fall head first right into it. It is never a small one, or very seldom small, it is usually a great big crater and I have to fight to get out. I have used the verse in 2 Cor: 1:3 alot. Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all Comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles". God has been my great Comforter. The closer I get to Him the more calm i find myself. I know God never moves away from me---it is me moving away from God. I wonder why would I ever do that----but it does happen. Probably on the days I do feel a little bit better---I am not hanging onto God as tightly, and pretty soon my grip is slipping from Jesus's hand and guess what i am falling into one of those craters. I just need to remember Exodus 14:13-14. "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and I will see the deliverance the Lord will bring me today. The Lord will fight for me, I need only to be still" What an Awesome God we serve--and all His promises He gives us---WOW, i am back to hanging on with both hands.
As I was telling Spencer the other day, think of God as being your very best friend. He will never leave you, never be late, never too busy, never just not interested in what you are asking or saying. He is always right beside you---get close to Him now because God has told us we will have troubles in this world, and who would be more comforting to go to in those times than your very Best Friend---Jesus. I told him a relationship with Jesus is very similar as to a relationship with your family and friends. If you never take an interest in being best friends, it will never happen just on its own---all relationships takes time, effort to make them very good----oh, but they are so worth every minute you put into them----especially the one with Jesus. Then I asked Spencer how he would feel if his girlfriend never called and when you called or texted her, she would say, Oh, I will talk to you later---I am just busy now----and it went three days and she still did not make any effort to talk with you----how would that make you feel and what would you think. He said, I would be sad, and i would think could you not take five minutes to talk with me---why are you so busy. ---and then pretty soon, he would not call her as much, because he would think she really does not care anymore, but his heart would be sad. I told him that is exactly how Jesus would feel is somebody acted in that way---showed no interest in the relationship. Jesus loves us more than we will ever comprehend this side of Heaven and He wants nothing more than a relationship with us on a daily basis.
If somebody would have asked me what was the one thing that helped me the most through this valley of grieving, I would have to say memorizing those verses that God spoken to me through. Ron told me to do this long ago, and I am very glad I took his advice. Those memorized verses were sometimes the only thing I was hanging on to get me through some very rough hours. God talked so clearly though those verses many times. It was almost like I was having a conversation with Him. They would help hold me up in times i thought for sure I was going to drown. In the middle of the night when I wake up and this terrible reality just keeps picking away at my heart, until I think I can not take another minute of this, these verses will put a hedge around my heart and start to move out those terrible thoughts of despair and loss, and bring in ones of hope, God's promises, God's Amazing Grace, and His Glory. Sometimes when I am driving down the road, our life of "new normal" is so hard to take---I find myself just crying out to God, i hate this "new normal" we have to live with--I want our "old normal" back---but know deep in my heart that is not possible here on earth,---so I know the only comfort i am going to get is to start praying these verses back to God, and sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly God will pick me up and hold me.
As We still have some very hard things to do yet, which I know are going to be gut wrenching---God will carry me through on His promises---He will probably give me more verses to be carried on. One of those really hard things is Taylor's 21st birthday on April 1st---yes, he was a April fools baby---and he lived up to that name----he was always one for playing little pranks on people. Pray for the Plummer's, because Nathan's birthday is the 30th of this month---and I am sure this is going to be a very hard day. He would have been nineteen---way too young to have died, but whether we like it or not, it was God's plan to take him home, just like He took Taylor. The other big one is needing to pick out his tombstone. The thought of that just makes my stomach churn. I keep thinking how will I ever be ready for that!! It will only be by the Grace of God that we will get that done. Like somebody said, it will be the last thing we ever buy for him. Then I think, just how will I feel when I drive up that long drive to cemetery and see the tombstone with "Gasser" written great big across it, with Taylor's pic on it. I could fall into another big crater just thinking about it, but must remember God only gives Grace for the day, and today is not the day that we are to pick it out. God is faithful, so He will be right beside us when that day comes. Please continue to pray for us, as we know God hears each and every prayer of His children. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Five Months Today.

As I sit here writing this, it is exactly five months ago today that I got that terrible phone call. We all have changed---we are not the same people, we have had to learn to live with a new normal---and I had to think just what does that look like. Just to name a few---there is always an empty place at the table, a bed is always empty, there is not snack papers laying all over the house, no work clothes laying on the floor in his bedroom, just an empty place in my heart, every holiday knowing somebody is missing, but on the flip side of that---my relationship with Jesus is so much deeper and personal, the outpouring of support and prayers from God's children is unbelievable. Just like today, I got a really nice card in the mail---amazing even after five months, we usually get at least one card a week. One of Taylor's friend's stopped by after school, just to see how we were doing. I have to say the compassion of people has really blown me away. Some of these people, I barely know, others have been friends for a long time. I met new people that I am developing a deep connection and friendship with. I am much more interested in building treasures in heaven, ones that will not burn. Spencer has given his heart to Jesus, so now we can all be reunited one day at the feet of Jesus.
About a month after Taylor's accident somebody told us to meet with a bereavement counselor, and gave us the name of a Hospice person. So, all of us went. The kids were not all that excited about going. Spencer kept saying all the way there, I sure hope I do not have to talk. We get there and walk in---we had to take a picture of Taylor---I am not sure why, but we did. We sat at a long table and the lady---I think her name was Barb sat across from us. At this point we were all pretty weepy yet, Kleenex boxes everywhere. I guess this room must have seen alot of grief. I did almost have to smile, because the first question Barb asked was "how are you feeling" and guess just who she looked at and asked, yep Spencer. He just sorta stuttered around, not knowing quite how to answer her. It was sorta interesting, she gave each of us a big white poster board and said to divide it in half and make one half our lives before the accident and the other half after the accident----we realized at this point everything in our lives now will be classified as before Taylor or after Taylor. Of course we all had "happy" pics before Taylor, but after we all had sorta different pic's---some were lonely, some crying, some with sad faces, some with empty spots like around the table, empty boots. Then we all got up and explained what each picture meant---it helped us to realize what each of us were feeling. What Spencer pointed out was rather interesting not one of us put a picture of anger on our poster's. I do have to say, each of us has had spells of anger, but as of now, none of us are stuck in anger. This is where the beginning of this blog got started. Barb had said, a good way to work through grief is through journeying. I thought, well, maybe, but I really do not like to write on paper, but sometime later, I thought maybe typing out my thoughts and feelings might be a good thing. I thought I would just write for my own purpose, but as I was setting up this blog and where it said I could either have it private, or let others read it----God again whispered in my ear---let it open for any to read----that was rather intimidating for me----because I am not one to usually tell how I am feeling, and especially for all the raw and painful feelings I was feeling. I am one to usually cover up my true feelings---I hardly ever if ever wear them on my sleeve. So, i decided that this was not going to be only my Blog, but mostly God's. I prayed His Name could be Glorified through this terrible tragedy just like it says in Rev 4:11 :You are worthy, our Lord and God to receive glory and honor and power."----. I pray every time I write that God will actually write it for me---what He wants me to say and then I usually pray when I am done and ready to send that God will take it to the people He wants to read it. So, if you are reading this, remember nothing is a coincidence, no mistake---God wanted you to be reading it----probably one reason hopefully you will remember to pray for us, so for me, it turned into a real blessing----alot of God's children have become prayer warriors for me---praying for us every single day----God knew we were going to need prayer and support and you all have done a great job---I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for each and every prayer, card, phone call, email you have sent. It is so true God's ways are so much different and bigger than ours.
As I sit here and think back over the last five months, there were times, I actually thought, will I make it through this---the pain was so overwhelming., and I quickly realized God was the only one going to get me through--because I was just too weak to survive by myself. For example, one day, I went out into the shed where Taylor's fourwheeler was all covered up, but I just had to look at it, so I pulled the cover off and just climbed upon the seat and just sat there. I put my hands on the handle bars and thought, this is the last thing Taylor touched. He had his racing stickers all over the bike----I thought just why did I never go and watch him race. He would have loved that, just why did i not go. I know why really---I was scared to watch, afraid he might get hurt----how ironic---scared he might get hurt. I learned a hard lessen here. If he was going to get hurt---he was going to get hurt whether i was there or not. I wish I would have went at least once. When that 4wheeler first came home after it was fixed, I thought I can not stand to look at it and wanted to get rid of it right away---now, when I look at it----I can just see him sitting on it and when I would talk with him, it was usually while he was washing it or fixing it---it seems that where ever this 4 wheeler was, Tay was not far behind. When I was out there in the garage, Jeff says there in that sack is Taylor's clothes he had on that night--the hospital gave them to me that night. As I stood there looking at that brown paper bag, did i want to look or did I not want that memory to deal with. Something inside of me wanted to look, to feel those clothes in my hands. I am not sure it was a good thing or not. There was his jeans---the ones I had washed many, many times cut down the middle---I guess that is how they took them off of him, his work boots, his socks, underwear. I just stood there holding them, by this time tears were running down my cheeks----again too much reality for my heart to take.

Going to the grocery store the first time after Taylor was much harder than I expected. I had not had to go for a pretty long time---people had brought alot of food, which was a huge relief for me, because I had little interest in eating, so I did little cooking. I was amazed how many people stopped and talked with me at the grocery store----some people do not know what to say, and just quickly say hi and move on, but I respect the ones that actually asked how are you "really" doing and mean what they were asking. I knew as I would tell my story and how I was doing, that they were going away praying for me----or at least I was hoping they were. I knew prayer was my life line to surviving. Usually people would say---"I am praying for you" or something to that effect, but i was rather impressed, one lady I was talking with for a while in one of the grocery aisle---she said instead---, "can i pray for you right now." She took my hands and prayed right then and there for me. Getting groceries that first time was much harder than I ever expected it to be. As I would be walking down the aisles getting my items, I would find myself putting stuff in my cart that Taylor wanted or liked. Then it would hit me---why are you buying that---Taylor is not here to eat it any more----it would hit me like a shock wave---and rock my body to the core---The first couple of times, i could not be in there very long until I just knew I had to get out and go home. Maybe because it is five months today, that so many memories keeps coming to mind. I know I will be healing probably for the rest of my life, but that is Ok, I will not be completely healed until I reach heaven.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Wayne County Fair 2009

I am here by myself tonight, everybody went to the basketball game. I like to write when it is quite----I always pray God will take over my thoughts and words and take me where He wants me to go with this blog. With God's strength, I think we are healing some from our broken hearts---they were broken into a million pieces on August 15th, and yes, it will take a long time to put those pieces all back together, and no, they will never be put back just the way it was----we have all changed---we all have different priorities now--we are trying to build treasure that will not be burned by the fire, but will last in all eternity. In our Daniel bible study one of the questions was "When did you last hear something that dumbfounded you?" It took me less than a second to answer that question-----that terrible phone call from Jeff on that Saturday night---not only was I dumbfounded, I was completely flatten. I am sure God used this terrible tragedy for many reasons----to touch hearts--to change lives---but I had to ask myself, what God, do you want me to learn from something that actually knocked the wind right out of me and took me straight to the ground. As I look back-- what have I learned. I have learned that God will never take me places or through a fire that He is not right there with me to encourage and help me through, and need be, carry me at times. He will only give Grace for each day, never look ahead and think how will I ever get through that day---I found out--God has not yet given Grace for tomorrow, just for today-wake up each day and live it like it could be my last one here on earth, or maybe the last one for somebody that I love dearly----God is truly the only one that can comfort a broken heart---and just when I would think, I am going to die from a broken heart---God would grab me in a hug and pull me close to Him, either by His presents of His Spirit, or sometimes by phone calls, maybe an e-mail, or perhaps a comforting card in the mail---He was always faithful. Just for example, the last several days have been "down" days, just missing Tay a lot and feeling extremely sad, and today God had Ron call and encourage me. He is always a great encourager---he helps me to refocus my thoughts and feelings. Also, I got a really nice card from Doris in the mail. It is just and encouragement to know people are still being our prayer warriors. I had several other phone calls from friends, just wanting to know how I was doing and that they were still praying for us. I realize the things that use to stress me out---no longer matter. What matters the very most is my relationship with Jesus----because without Him I would have drowned in sorrow long ago. I know without a shadow of a doubt that no matter what lies ahead, God will be with me, and He will always equip me with the armor I will need to fight any battle---yes, I may come out with scars, but when i look at those scars I will remember where I have been and Who brought me through. In Psalms 57:10--it says "For great is Your love--reaching to the heavens: Your faithfulness reaches to the skies." I just had to sit back and think on this. I had to think just how far is heaven above the earth----some of the stars are light years away and we can still see them, we can't even comprehend how far it is----God's loves us so much, again, we can not even begin to wrap our minds around how much. We think we love our kids soooo much, nobody could love them more, but our love is not even in comparison to how much God loves each one of His children. His faithfulness reaches to the skies---I have seen and felt His faithfulness, but I am sure that is just a touch of the iceberg of how great His faithfulness really is---
This week had some tough moments, even the kids said this was a hard week----I am not sure why, it just was. I think our minds are letting in more and more that Taylor is really gone. One day, I just had to go upstairs and take out some of his shirts and just hold them in my hands. I took out a pair of his jeans and held them----I just stood there holding them and was thinking how can this really be true that Taylor will never be wearing any of this again---but then God just sorta whispered in my ear---Don't be sad, he is in a much better place---he does not need those clothes anymore.

I am going back now to the day of the Wayne County Fair. It was a very bittersweet day. It was warm and sunny. Diane's family, and all of us went to the fair in the morning. This was the day of the local tractor pull. Craig Marty was going to pull in Taylor's memory---he and some friends had spent many hours repainting the same tractor that Taylor had pulled the year before. I really did not want to even go to the fair, but Jeff thought we should since they were planning on reading a tribute in memory of Taylor before his class pulled. I knew this was going to be a day where I would spend most of it in tears, because I knew how much Taylor loved the fair---he would rush home from work, and quickly change clothes---sometimes not even time for a shower--and rush back out of the house for a night at the fair---he went every single night. One of his most favorite parts of the fair were the times he got to pull his tractor---so now I am suppose to go watch this, and not cry buckets--not possible. Diane, I and the kids went early because we wanted to hear the bands playing. We got there and soon walked over to the grandstand to listen the bands. April, Autumn came and sat with us. Pretty soon, Jeff comes over and says the tractor is now here, do you want to see it. I felt my stomach drop, because no really I did not want to see this tractor that had bit stickers on it that read "In Loving Memory of Taylor Gasser"-----more reality and my heart could not take any more----I felt tears very close, but really did not want to take to sobbing, because I knew if I gave in to those tears that were threatening to spill over, I would not be able to stop. We decided maybe it would be better to go see this tractor now , so when it was pulled it would not be the first time we seen it. The bands are playing---the drums are pounding---April even made the comment---maybe getting away from those drums would be a good thing. As we are walking across the field, we had to walk by the band that was playing-- it was so loud we could not even talk. As we get closer and closer to the tractor, i felt my heart getting sadder and sadder, if that was even possible. As we finally get across the field, and we are walking up to this tractor, i could not take it anymore,-- I just broke down and took to crying----I just knew how much Taylor would have loved this tractor and to have been able to pull it---it was painted a very bright and pretty red, looked like a new one, but looking at those big stickers on the sides, just knocked the breathe right out of me. As we all stood there with all our hearts aching and crying softly thinking about Tay and missing him horribly. Diane all of a sudden says----hey, what is that song the band is playing----we all stopped and listened for a few seconds, then April says, i think it is "Amazing Grace". No longer the loud drums, but the beautiful playing of Amazing Grace. This touched all of our hearts and I am not sure about anybody else, but I could not take any more and I once again took to sobbing-we all thought, just what are the chances that a high school bank would be playing Amazing Grace, and more spectacular yet, just at that precise moment--we just knew God was right there beside us---saying----I know your hearts are breaking, I am with you--I will carry you,---Just remember, Yes, I took Taylor but he is with me. It seemed like every time we would think we can not breathe another breath because our hearts were so broken---God would in some way remind us that He was right beside us and that Taylor was with Him. If you remembered Taylor was wheeled out of the church the day of his funeral on Amazing Grace (that was not the song we picked for Tay to to out on---but now we have seen over and over why God picked it. He has encouraged and strengthen us many times through this song. I always have loved Amazing Grace, but now it has taken on a whole new meaning when I hear it. Anyway as we stood there looking at that tractor and listening to Amazing Grace being played, God once again was my great Comforter. I just knew God will get me through this day----even if He had to carry me the entire day. As i remember right, I think that is just what happened---i was in the arms of Jesus that whole day. I think we took at least a hundred pictures of that tractor and us standing by it. We decided to walk around the fair for a while, because the pull did not start for several hours. As Diane and I were walking by the pork loin station, Lisa came over and said, I want you to meet somebody. She said this lady has lost 3 of her 8 kids, and she has made it through the valley of grief, not once but three time and she is joyful in the Lord. Of course, I wanted to meet her---I was thinking, how could anyone lose three kids and not be bitter, or at the very least extremely sad. When i saw her, the first thing I noticed was the love shining through her eyes. She hugged me and cried with me--I knew she felt my pain, but she had something i wanted---I knew it was not going to be today, but someday I wanted what she had---she had what God said He would do---"I will turn your mourning into gladness, give you comfort and joy, instead of sorrow" I knew she made it through the valley of grief. Quickly, her story. A 19 year old son was killed in an accident, 15 year old son--died quickly from an illness, 30 something year old son died of a long devastating illness---she watched him die inch by inch, but through it all---she loved Jesus with all her heart. When i asked just how did you make it---with tears in her eyes, all she did was point up to Jesus. She was a real testimony to me---she took no credit of her own, she knew it was all by the Grace of God---even though, I had cried already buckets of tears this day, I had to cry a few more, but I knew that if I kept my eyes focused on Jesus, He would take me step by step, moment by moment through this very deep valley.

Now, it was time to go back over to the grandstand to watch the tractor pull. Actually, I could not wait until this day was over, the sadness was almost overwhelming, but knew God would help me through--He always says He will give Grace where Grace is needed--and I was in big need of that now. We are all sitting up in the grandstand---all of us, plus all of Max's and their kids. It was a beautiful afternoon, sun shining, warm, people cheering for each puller. I knew they were going to read a tribute for Taylor right at the beginning of his class---I was getting to the point of just wishing it would hurry up and get here---so it could be over. About half way through the class before his, they started to announce that all the mechanic kids that were in Tay's class and the ones that already graduated to come down and start to line the track in front of the grandstand----I was starting to feel that bubble of emotion getting ready to erupt in my chest. I thought please God, don't let me lose it here. About this time, Spencer gets a tex from one of Taylor's friends that was standing on the line, wanting us to come down as a family and stand with them. I thought, I can not do this---I am sure my knees are going to buckle. Diane say, I think you really should go down there with Jeff, Brooke and Spencer---you will probably be sorry if you choose not to. I knew she was right, so I did go down with them. Now, it is time for Taylor's class to pull---Jeff, Me, Brooke and Spencer are standing right in front of the grandstand---there are boys lined up on both sides of us along the track. We are hanging on tightly to each other as the announcer starts to read the tribute we wrote up for Tay. We are all sobbing almost uncontrollably all the way through the tribute---it was all so Taylor, and all I could think about was how much he would have loved to been here pulling on such a pretty afternoon and he was never going to be able to do this again. After the announcer read the tribute, he had everybody stand in the grandstand for a moment of silence. As I looked up and seen everybody standing with most having their heads bowed, I lost it, but then we all pretty much did---even alot in the crowd were crying. After a few minutes of silence while all were still stand, Craig (the one pulling in Taylor's memory), slowly drove this tractor down the track, I was sobbing so hard by now, i could barely stand, but like I said, we were hanging on to each other--trying to hold each other up, if we had not been, I am sure we all would have been a nice big puddle on the ground. Even as i sit here and write this, tears are running down my cheeks. I am hoping like they said in our Grief share, each time you revisit a very painful episode a little bit of healing takes place---I certainly hope that is true. This was a very nice tribute for Tay, but also extremely painful. After the tribute, we did stay and watched until Craig was done pulling. Again we went over to where he was and thanked him, and of course cried a few more tears on his shoulder. We took more pictures, then we started to head to the car. I have to say many, many people did stop and talk with me, and tried to encourage me, but this day was a day, where the only thing that was beginning to look comforting was my pillow. The thing that will stick in my mind forever about this day is how God very mercifully had the band play Amazing Grace at exactly the perfect moment. It just showed his presence so clearly. Even though the day was extremely painful---filled with memories of Tay---I knew deep in my heart what Isa: 43:2 says was going to be true "When I pass through the waters, I (GOD)will be with you. When I pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over me. When I walk through the fire, I will not be burned."
This day has been almost exactly four months ago---and yes, when I revisit the memories of that day, they still make me cry and are very painful, but i have also seen how God has brought a measure of healing to my heart and for that I am very thankful.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Accident Site

Well, here it is 2010 and the holidays are over. The kids are all back in school and i am here by myself. How does that make me feel? I am certainly glad the holidays are over. With the kids all gone, it is certainly quite---but that is not always bad---it gives me time and quietness to spend with God. That is a lot of times when I can feel His presences. New Year's was not nearly as sad as Christmas. In fact, it went quite well. The Plummer's from Latty were in the area, so they stopped by and we all went out to lunch and spent the afternoon together. It is always nice to be with them. They can relate to how we feel---and where we are. We can talk about memories of our son's, about the sadness of missing them, how to cope with the grief in all of this. We can encourage each other. Like Rick said---I wish we would never had to meet---meaning wishing our sons were still alive, but that was not God's plan---but in our brokenness, God brought us together to comfort each other, and to start a bonding friendship.

I am going to go back to the day I went out to the accident site. At first, I could not go and see where Taylor left this earth for eternity. It was just too hard---the shock of him dying was still shaking my body constantly, and seeing where it all happened was too much reality---my mind could not take it in. I knew one day it would be right for me to go and that day came probably a month or so after it happened. It was still warm. I picked a nice sunny day to go. I had heard so many details by now about how it all happened, I just wanted to sit and visualize it all in my mind. I drove slowly out to the site, parked my car and got out. I walked over to this culvert---it looked innocent enough, in fact at first glance it was almost peaceful. There was little stream running by a rock, the water was bubbling and making some calming noises. I stood there looking at the two white crosses, one saying "we love you, Taylor Gasser", the other one is bigger but blank. There were flowers all around the crosses. Somebody had built the crosses up and mulched around them. There were two little tractors beside the crosses---because one of his friends heard at the funeral in Brooke's tribute that Tay loved tractors from the time he could barely crawl. There was a noz can---something Tay always would be drinking---(as if he was not hyper enough)--a picture of Tay with some friends. As I stood looking at all this, tears just started to roll down my cheeks thinking how could this possibly have happened!!---then I was thinking how these kids loved Taylor and was missing him terrible just like the rest of us. Then my focus went down to the rock where Tay hit his head that night. I seen somebody had washed the rock of any remaining blood and put some daisies (there is a story with daisies) on the rock. This was more than I could take, i had to sit down and sob this moment out. As i sat there , I started to calm down and felt the sun on my back and heard the little creek bubbling along---I let my mind go back to that night and how it must have played out. It was a hot summer evening. The kids were all happy to be together on a Saturday night after a week of work to have some nice clean fun. Do you think it ever entered one kid's mind that somebody was going to die tonight----I am quite sure it didn't. They all had plans for that night, the next day, even the next week---death was the furthest thing from any of their minds. Just like Taylor, a day or so later after the accident, i opened his phone just to see who was calling him to hear his voice mail message---and I happened to see all the plans he had made for the next day and week---and i can tell you, not one of them was plans to be in Gilllman's funeral home----it just made me think---our life is just like it says---only a breathe away from eternity--life is just a vapor, a mist---so short and gone so quickly. Anyway back to that night. Several kids brought 4 wheelers that night and they were going from one farm to another so they were riding then. Several of them started out first, then Jake got on the back of Tay's and they wanted to catch up to these other guys. Taylor had just gotten this four wheeler exactly two months before and loved riding it. I have to say, Tay was a kid that often threw cautious to the wind, and loved adventure. He wanted to catch up with these other guys, and knowing Tay wanted to pass them----just to show them his was maybe a little bit faster. As he got up to this one kid's bike, Taylor started to pass, but kids being kids, this boy probably thought, you are not going to pass me tonight, and pulled over just a little bit. It was just enough for Taylor's front tire to hit his back tire and it caused Taylor to start to lose control.---But that was not so disastrous, and certainly not the first time---Taylor just went down into the ditch---the ditch was not that deep, so Tay straddled the ditch. Now why he rode like this for so long is a mystery, or I guess I should say----it was all in God's perfect Plan, because Tay had plenty of time to pull his bike back onto the road, or go into the field, or just plain stop---but he did none of these. I could just see his face at this point----Jake would have been hanging on tight, Tay's hair would have been blowing straight back, Tay would have had a smile on this face, thinking---that kid got me this time, but I will get him next time. Little did Tay know that his seconds on this earth was ticking away and he soon was going to be in eternity. As he is riding through this ditch, speed was probably not a factor at this point, because he could not been able to see all that well. What was going through Tay's mind as his eyes focused on that culvert that came out of nowhere. It looked like he quickly turned to the right trying with all his might to get his bike back up on the road, but oh, a second too late---the back wheel catches the culvert and flips him, Jake, and the bike backwards. Jake said, he felt every muscle fiber in Taylor's body go taunt. Jake flys off the bike and lands across the little creek in the soft dirt. He comes away with only a couple of scratches. The bike lands across the creek too on little tree--breaks it to the ground. Taylor lands head first on a rock, way down in the culvert---. As I sat there visualize all this---my mind kept wanting to scream----why God, why God, WHY could Taylor not have flown over the creek and landed on the soft dirt too, or why not in the creek water, or maybe, just maybe on the rock, but did it have to be head first---could it not have been his leg, arm, just why his head. I could have crumbled to the ground in all my "why", which I knew in my mind I was not going to get any answers for. But in my heart---I could hear this little small voice saying over and over---first quietly, but it did get louder and louder saying----"I know this is terribly hard---I cry with you----but always remember My Plan is Perfect!!! I make NO Mistakes." I knew God was there right beside me---actually holding me up-----As a side note, much later in one of our grief share study, each day it has a statement that says "to always remember this" and this day it fit perfectly. It said "The most important lesson you can learn in your grief is that God is sovereign. That means He is in control of everything-----nothing happens that is not filtered through His hand. God's ways are incomprehensible and far more glorious than you could imagine." When I think of the accident site---I always try to think of this statement. If I let satan get an inch here, it is not long before he can have a mile----then I find myself in real trouble. I just have to be Ok not knowing "why" God chose Taylor that night----but realize it really was no accident---there are not accidents with God. I just have to Trust God with it all. Back to that night, as i sat there, i wondered, as Tay was flying through the air---what was he thinking? Just one week earlier Brooke had a bad accident and totalled her SVU, but she said the one thing that struck her that she will never forget as she was losing control and flying all around, she said her mind was in very slow motion and she was very conscience of what was happening, and her thinking was very clear. She said, she kept thinking is this the way I am going to die as she seen the cement wall flying towards her at 60mph. As she told me this story the next day, I remember saying, be sure and tell Taylor that story, so she did a day or so later. Was there a purpose in Brooke having that accident just one week before and then telling Taylor her last thoughts before hitting the wall---remember no accidents with God----everything has a purpose. One of the kids said Taylor was mumbling something as he lay dying on that rock. Was he talking with Jesus???? As I sat there on that sunny summer day, I thought, just think a heavenly bean---probably an angel came down and said----Ok, Taylor it is time for you to come with me---I can just see a confused look on Tay's face, saying "what, where we going--did I die---naw--that can't be---Oh, no, mom is going to be so sad---she always told me this might happen." The angel probably smiled and said "Jesus will take care of your mom". Maybe the angel even left Tay stay hovering above his body long enough to see the ambulance come and take him away. Another side note---one friend did email me a while back and said she almost died having one of her kids and she had an out of body experience, just like I said---she was above the table watching her body being worked on. She said, she has never experience such unexplainable peace and she said even after just having her little boy, she did not want to come back---she wanted to go with the angel. So, Tay probably did not waste alot of time thinking about how sad I was going to be, he probably also felt this peace and had no desire to come back, even though in my human self, I wish him back at least a hundred times a day----but in my heart---I know he is where I want to be---like somebody said not long ago--we are not sad where they are at, we are just sad that we are here missing them---perfectly said. After spending a hour or two out at the site, i was ready to come home. I felt drained---I had just been where my son had died, my heart was achy, couldn't sob another tear----I tried to not dwell too long on how hard his head must have hit the rock---how his body was laying----that was all too painful. I do pray for the kids that were there that night and seen it all ---I am sure it is a scene not one of them will ever forget---one girl said in her memory of Taylor, she thinks of it every day. One last thing yet----somebody gave me this song--it also fits perfectly----is this God in action or what in how He provided just the right song, message, e-mail, phone call at the exact time I fee like I can't take another minute of this pain or loss. The song is "Rejoice in the Lord" I will not write it all, but just the parts God had jump out at me---"God never moves without purpose or plan when trying his servant and molding a man. Give thanks to the Lord though your testing seems long and hard. In darkness He giveth a song. I could not see through the shadows ahead, so I looked at the cross of my Savior instead. O rejoice in the Lord he makes no mistakes. He knoweth the end of each path that I take. For when I am tried and purified, I shall come forth as gold." I am trying to live each day as it could me my last, or the last for someone I love---I want to live each day with No Regrets, or the day I get to see Jesus face to face, then i of course will grab Taylor and say" what were you thinking that night---I told you to be careful and to wear your helmet every time you ride!!!" only kidding---actually, to give him the biggest bear hug and say we are finally home forever and ever.