I dreaded the holidays so much last year and here they are again. Time does move on whether we want it to or not. As I think back to what I was feeling last year at this time and how I feel today--God has definitely done some healing in my heart. I am not going to lie, holidays are hard and probably will be for a long time. In this last year, God has carried me many, many times, but He also has given me times when He told me--yes, you can walk, I will be right here beside you. I realized God is not going to take the pain away, at least for a long time, but in all that time He wants me to continue to Glorify His name---some days that can be so easy, but on other days, I just want to focus on me and my hurt.
The summer when this all happened, I was praying--God for some reason, I am getting the feeling that I am to go back to school to become a massage therapist, not knowing what all that would entail. I continued to pray if that was what He wanted He would open doors, and if even one door closed I would take it as it was not to be. So, everything just fell into place, just as if God was just one step in front of me taking care of every detail. I was excited and scared all at the same time, because I could not even remember the last time I had to study more than a few hours at one time. So, as July rolled around of 2009, I was all enrolled and planning on starting in September of 2009. On August 16th, God changed my life forever---this was definitely not in my cards that I was holding, but God took those cards and replaced them with His cards. As i was there trying to hold those shattered cards, school was the furthest thing from my mind. As I started to pick up my cards and put the pieces back together in some sorta of way, I realized that I had orientation for school on the 9th of September, and school was to start almost exactly one month after Taylor's accident. I was still praying---God what am I to do, did I actually get this all wrong, was that not You opening all the doors and giving me the peace that I was going in the direction You were guiding---I remember praying saying--You surely don't want me to go now, You know I can't do this---I am so confused. In my praying, I still would continue to get the answer that this still what God wanted me to do---so I decided to go to the orientation. As I sat through that, I thought, I can't do this---my mind was so consumed with grief, I barely knew where I was. I also looked around at the other people there and knew I just wouldn't fit in. I came home, praying, God I am just too tired and sad to even think about this, I must have made a mistake in thinking that is what you wanted me to do, but something deep inside kept saying, no, that is what I want you to do. These classes where on Friday and Saturday, and I really didn't want to do the weekends, so thought if God really wanted me to do this, He would work some other days out. So, I e-mailed the advisor and told her I would not be coming to those classes, but if they ever have classed through the week, let me know--thinking I was off the hook. A couple of weeks later, she e-mailed back and said they were starting a new class in January and this time it was going to be on Wednesday and Thursday and going to be a much smaller class. As I sat there reading that email, I couldn't believe it---thinking God do you really want me to do this, You do remember I am in this terrible journey of grief, I don't think I can----but a little voice was saying, You are right, you can't, but I can. So, I signed up again for the orientation in January of 2010. As it goes with asking people in what they thought I should do, some would say, oh ya, give it a try, or others would say, oh, it is way too soon----in my heart, I would like to have agreed with the ones that said, oh, that is way too soon, but knew God was trying to have me step way out of my comfort zone---way out. This was something i didn't feel ready or able to even think about let alone do. I got up that cold Friday morning and went to orientation. Of course I was praying all through these weeks, that if this is really what God wanted that He would prepare the class for me and me for the class. He did just that, the class was much smaller and most were around my age and felt like perhaps I could fit in. I had one week to decide if I was going ahead with classes or going to withdraw. The feeling just stuck --this is what I want for you-, even though on that first morning I would have given anything to just stay in bed and pull the covers over my head and say, I can't do this. I have to say,-- no, nothing was easy about it---I was still in deep grieving, the textbooks were huge. As I looked through the anatomy book, it almost looked like a foreign language--the only thing that was looking good was the people, they were friendly. For some strange reason, it was sorta a comfort that nobody knew one thing about me----nobody knew a thing about my past, maybe it was a small escape in some way---I could pretend I was "normal". That first quarter was so hard--studying was brutal, some days I would cry almost all the way to school. Two separate times I came home and thought, God, I think I made a mistake here, I just can't handle this terrible grief and all the studying, I just want to quit. I am the type of person that likes signs from God, so each time I would pray for a sign. It was like God was saying how many times do I have to tell you this, --I want you right here for now--so He would so graciously give me just the sign I was asking for if I was to stay. So, I would say to myself, Ok, I will stay one more week. As I look back, I see now, it was good for me, even though at times it was extremely hard trying to get through each day and studying for huge tests, it did help me on some days to focus on something other than all my losses. I tried to pray each day before class that God would prepare me for the class and the class for me. I also prayed that I could be a "light" for God, that they would just know something was different in me---no, most are not Christians---One day, this one guy for some reason started going around the room and asking each of us if we went to church, and most said no, and one said, sometimes, and when he got to me, I said yes I do, and he says every Sunday, and I said yes, and I am in a bible study too, and he looked at me and sorta sighed and said, I use to go, and I really liked it, alot of times it gave me something to think on for days, maybe I should start going again. They pretty much all know that I am different, maybe they just think strange, I am not sure :) but anyway, if they are talking about things they think are not appropriate, they will say, you better not hear this--and I laugh and say, you are right, I better not. This one lady is even starting to say she is praying for people, and one day somebody gave her some money to pay a bill and she looked at me and said, God really does answer prayers. As time went on a few did find out about Taylor, and they just said, I could never get through something like that--and I said, I couldn't either, God is getting me through----so as my year is soon ending, God is amazing, but does that surprise me--not even a little bit!!---He knew just the right place for me, and the perfect timing---He knew it would be one more tool to help me through that terrible first year, and I am praying His name was Glorified in some way in those classes---I pray they could see Him in me and hopefully some day they will want that too. I am now praying,-- that school is just about over, that He will once again open the doors where He wants me to be. I don't care about the money, just some place where I can Glorify His name and help people to maybe feel just alittle bit better.
Yes, I am thankful this Thanksgiving for many, many things---but most of all, that God has picked me, and my family to be His children. He has been so very faithful and granted us just the right amount of Grace each and every day through out this last year. I love you, Jesus, with all of my heart---You are the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords of my heart.
Before I close I just want to give you something to think on---It has stopped me and made me think---What if God treated you-- like you treated Him----and What if God answered your prayers like you answered His calls. I had to think, some days, I could be in big trouble---if God was just too busy to listen, or to help, or carry me through the terrible day-----