One more month has gone by. It is going to be six months tomorrow. Well, they told us in our Grief Share Group that it takes six to nine months for the death to actually "sink" in. I wonder, has it sunk in yet?? Just what will that feel like---will the pain be more intense? Or do you just learn to live with a constant sadness in your heart---that just becomes a part of your life. Today I was in Rittman and on my way home, I met Brooke driving Taylor's truck, and just for that split second when i seen it, my mind flashed it to be Taylor coming down the road, but then my mind came back to reality and a wave a sadness just swept over my whole body. Last weekend, one of Taylor's friend's stopped by for a visit. It is always nice to see these kids and talk with them, but it is ever so bittersweet. We always talk about memories, ones that make me laugh, ones that make me cry. She was the one who was holding his hand when he died. She did not volunteer any information, but I asked her how it all went that night. I was always the type of person, who loved details, but I am not sure these were the best to have. Also this week, the magazine "Fastline"came out---it has the tractor Craig pulled in memory of taylor at the fair on the front cover and inside there is a picture of Taylor and a small article. Just looking at the cover with that tractor brings back so many memories of that day at the fair.
My new challenge---I had prayed about this for many months, actually it was before Taylor's accident. I was praying about going to message therapy classes. I felt this is what God had next for me in life. I was all signed up to go in September, but of course that didn't happen. After the accident, I was questioning God, is this really something I should be doing, but still felt this is where He was leading, so I enrolled in the next class which started mid January. I try to pray every day, or at least the days that I go to class, that God will go with me, prepare me spiritually, mentally, physically for this class and the class for me. It is amazing, I realized I have really been sheltered----almost all my friends, or for that matter most everybody I know are Christians, so when I got into an environment where God is definitely not the priority in their minds or hearts, it is a strange feeling---sorta like alone in a crowd. I always try to pray that if God wants to use me as a witness in any way---that He will prepare me for whatever it is-----I really did not think it would be quite so quick though. This one teacher asked me probably about the third week of school, if I was not at the orientation in September and I said yes---then i sorta hesitated and asked her if she knew why I never started at that time. She looked at me and said yes, i know and continued to say---I would be in bed if that happened to me with one of my kids. I said, yes it is horrible and before i could go on about just how horrible it really is, a little voice said in my head---tell her where all your help comes from--but my very next thought was- Oh no, not in front of all these people----what will they think--I want to fit in---satan came so fast with those thoughts, but I knew right then that was what my prayer was that morning---if God wanted me to say something----He would give me the opportunity and courage---so I said, if it were not for God I would be in bed too--God is my strength. Not a person said a word, nobody asked one question. The teacher just looked at me, she didn't really say much else---not sure what any of them thought. Now in one of my other classes the assignment is to write what our goals are. As I thought about this, I realized my main goal is to go through this valley of grief and come out on the other side with a closer relationship with God and hopefully have some sense of joy again. I am sure this teacher is not looking for that type of goal, but maybe that is just what God wants me to write about????
Does being busy help with the grieving process? No not really, yes i might not think about Taylor 24/7 every day, but instead of being on an even scale of sadness each day, I end up having alot more deep valley's where I can be going along, and all of a sudden something hits me so hard that I almost have to sit down. Just like I had to do my taxes this week. I took all our stuff, plus Brooke's and Taylor's to be done. I started with Taylor's and said I am not quite sure how to do this. He looks at it and says all these numbers---like what do you mean you don't know how to do this. I look at him and said very slowly, Taylor was killed this summer--his face went completely white and said, "oh, I forgot about that"---even though, it actually happened right down the road from him. So, of course we talked about it for a while, but had to think----that was how I use to be ---I would see a young kid in the obit's that died and would think, boy that is terrible, but in a day or so, go one with life and not think much about it anymore. That was the way it was for this guy---in fact, he did not even remember when he saw me, just plain forgot---but for me---that day changed my life forever, and not for a second will I ever forget. I read this on somebody's facebook, but thought how true it is. She wrote, 10% happens to you and 90% is how you react to it. My 90% reaction to any situation that God brings into my life is going to my testimony for Him. I can shine brightly for Him, or I can just be a dim little light in the corner that people walk by and never notice. Just like last week in the heaven bible study---he said when God is judging our lives---not whether we are going to heaven or not, but when He is judging our "works" to see what our rewards are going to be---He is going to take our lives into His hands and place it into the fire and what comes out is going to be the things we did to Glorify His Name---if we did nothing--or very little in His Name---then nothing will survive the fire---we will have no rewards. I pray my heart will always be on fire for God---and that I will always be ready and have my light shining. I pray that almost daily for my kids too---that God will be the center of our lives. I have seen and learned through all this tragedy----God is faithful, He wants nothing more than to have a relationship with me---He wants to talk with me daily---only if I am listening though will I hear His voice. Going to this Heaven Bible Study just makes Heaven so much more real. I always thought, heaven was a beautiful place and yes, i will love it there, but he pulls out so many more details that I never thought on or knew. It makes it so very exciting.
Yesterday for some reason I decided go check taylor's cell phone. We have left it activated, at least for a while longer. Yes, sometimes I just call his voice mail to hear his voice---it just makes him seem closer, and sometimes I am so scared i am going to forget what his voice sounded like. Anyway, when I checked his phone there were three missed calls. One left a message and it said everything I was feeling. It just tore at my heart---she is like the rest of us, missing him terribly, like she said, Taylor, I am missing you more than you will ever know---that part is true, Taylor will never know, but someday, someday, we will get to hold him and talk with him again. Yesterday, I heard something on WCRF that I thought was worth thinking on. He said spiritual maturity never comes cheaply and the road to maturity is a wrestling match. I thought in every storm I have a choice---either I can get bitter, depressed or I can draw closer to God and believe every one of his promises. So, I had to think would I trade all of this sorrow, sadness, grief which is definitely taking me on the road to maturity=== for a life of leisure---or one with only a little rain occasionally, instead of having a tornado that completely flatten me. It definitely made be cling to Jesus with both hands, which probably would never have happened. Also, I never would have seen and felt Jesus's presence in such a deep and personal way. Can i answer that question---would I trade it all?? My human self would say in a heart beat, yes, I will trade every second of it as quickly as possible, but my spiritual side, loves being this close to Jesus--He has become my very Best Friend.