Saturday, February 20, 2010

Saturday Evening

I am so ready for spring, but have to say today was nice. Brooke and I went on an adventure today. She bought herself a new, well new to her, Escape. It is always fun to be spending somebody else's money :).
Everybody usually loves Friday's, but I am becoming to dread them. I am not sure why they are so hard for me, except that I am so busy on Wednesday and Thursday's that reality of Taylor's death is pushed back a bit. So, when I get up on Friday's it is like I get hit in the face with this horrible reality at full force. It seemed like satan found alittle open window to try to sneak into my heart this week. There was something said last week that satan took and ran with--he was trying once again to plant just a little seed of doubt of Taylor's salvation. It is like the saying goes---satan can plant a thought, but it is my fault if I let that thought take root and grow and that was what I found myself doing. When I got up Friday, I felt so down and sad, just plain discouraged and beaten up. I just pleaded with God to please pick me up and carry me for awhile. I am amazed sometimes how quick God answers prayers, but really I shouldn't be---He has been so faithful from the moment of that horrible phone call. As I sat at the table with my Bible open, I was feeling so sad, that I just broke down into tears----and thought I am so tired of feeling like this, and now I have this little seed of doubt to deal with----I thought I was finally through that battle, but found out satan knows just where my weakest spots are and will no doubt come as often as I let him win one ounce of a battle. As I sat there just thinking, I decided I would just pull out of my bible some of the verses that I had written down that meant alot to me. As I started to read the first one, i instantly seen it was the same verse God gave me about a month after the accident. It was the one that became the verse i hung onto with both hands---the one that three other people gave me within 24 hr. ya, the same one Isa. 41:10--Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, For I am your God. I will strength you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." I knew instantly God was telling me He was right there beside me being my God, holding me up. I started to think back on that day God first gave me this verse---My heart was hurting so bad, i thought I would not make it into the next minute. I had to think God did keep His promise---He has held me up and carried me many many times. But God was not done "talking" to me that morning. I flipped to the back of my Bible and I seen this card and opened it up to see who it was from and what it might be saying. It was a letter from Autumn, yes I had read it before, but God wanted to remind me one more time---I will never get tired of hearing it---that yes Taylor is safely in the His arms. I guess, it is that I just have a terrible fear of Hell and just how horrible it really is, and it is not only for ten years, a thousand years, but forever---I can not even wrap my mind about something so horrible and terrifying lasting forever. Anyway, I don't think Autumn will care if I put this letter in here---it helped me through a rough day when it arrived, but it also was a great encouragement on a day, six months after Tay's death.

"Mom, April and I went to P. Graham Dunn yesterday. As we were walking through the store, we found these two items. They touched our hearts, especially in light of recent circumstances. We hope they will mean as much to you as they did to us and bring you comfort. For these two items remind us of a story.....our story. Of a much loved boy lost too soon. Of a mother pleading before the throne of God for a sign of his salvation. Of a God-breathed cell phone message arriving soon after---an answer to prayer, a promise from God---Taylor is in Heaven and we WILL see him again. We praise God for His Amazing Grace--for it is this gift of grace that has saved us and saved our Tay---who professed by his own mouth to his teacher that Jesus was his Lord! God gave us a promise that Taylor is in Heaven. GOD KEEPS HIS PROMISES! Let us never forget... We love you Gasser Family! Please know that we think and pray about you every single day. Taylor is never far from our minds either. Our family circle has been broken here on earth and the depth of our loss can be consuming at times, as I'm sure you know that well...for you loved him most. But my own heart does soar in the moments when I am able to think beyond this world and the Spirit whispers to my soul the assurance that Taylor is with our Lord Jesus Christ and he would want to be no where else. he has seen the light of Jesus's face with his own eyes! Oh, how we each long for that day!

God had me pick this letter up to read again today because He wanted to remind me of His promises once again.. Thank you, Autumn----I know it was actually God working through you the day you sent it, and again today---I am so thankful that God is so merciful in never getting tired of my weak human self falling into satan's traps so often. Jesus was so quick to show me once again----Tay is safe with Him. After my melt down, I continued to do my bible study of Daniel. A comment that Beth made---is so true for me and probably for alot. She said---"One of satan's most effective schemes is simply to wear God's people out. Satan uses exhaustion and profound discouragement to persuade us to give up---Satan may be able to wear out our human strength, but he cannot wear out the Holy Spirit's. We can call upon God's supernatural strength to fight the good fight of faith". That is exactly what was happening to me on Friday---I was being worn out, but as soon as I called on God's supernatural strength----He was right there to help me through a dark valley. Just how beautiful is that going to be when we can lay our armor down here on earth and walk over the line and pick up our robe of righteous, but until then, I am sticking close to God's heart because without Him, i will very quickly lose strength and fall into the depths of depression and sadness---just where satan is trying to take me so very often. This valley of grief is so often not only a struggle of learning to live with a huge hole in my heart, but also a spiritual battle with satan sitting on one shoulder and God sitting on the other. I know it has been over six months, but please keep us all in your prayers as Taylor's 21st birthday is approaching which is April 1st, we are all starting to feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness and are wondering just how are we going to make it through not only that day, but the whole week. As I looked ahead in my classes, i found out my finals are going to land right on Taylor's birthday---I am going to need lots of prayers and God Grace to make it through those days. I know, God does not give Grace until it is needed----so why am I worried---satan is so tricky---because he found another weak spot. Fear is nothing more than "False-Evidence-Appearing-Real" but Grace is "God's-Riches-At-Christ-Expense.

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