Monday, May 17, 2010

Nine months

Tay, I write about you so often, but today, I am going to write to you. Yesterday marked nine months that you left us. It seemed to be somewhat harder than some of the other anniversaries. I think it may be because it was not only nine long months since I have seen you, but it also landed on the same day of the week of your death (Sunday). My mind just keeps slipping back to that horrible night when your dad called and was sobbing into the phone saying that you were gone, that we lost our son. We couldn't leave mom's until the next morning, but i didn't sleep a wink, all I kept thinking was --this can't possibly be true---how will we ever get through this next few days. I did not begin to think how will life be with out you----that thought was so devastating, that my mind would not even let me go there----not yet anyway. I don't think I quite realized it yet, but Jesus was at this point picking me up into His arms and was going to be carrying me through a very long journey.
Tay, I miss you so much, your quirky little jokes, that could not help but make me laugh, the sound of your 4wheeler in the back yard---that was so much a part of who you were, seeing your truck come flying in the lane, with gravel spraying all over the yard, your clothes laying all over your bedroom floor even after i told you a hundred times to throw them in the wash, your little texts you sent me, which you so often signed--love ya, mommy, your little whispers in my ear "mom, can I borrow some money", which i never seen again :). Yes, sometimes, I just go sit in your room, just to feel closer to you. I have at times pulled out some of your shirts---ya the ones you never seemed to throw in the wash, and smell them. Your scent is still there on some of them---that cologne you so often would spray on. I am sad to say, the scent is getting much weaker and weaker, but if I breath real deep, I can faintly still smell it.
Tay, I went out to the site of where your accident happened, I want to tell you, Tay, your friends must visit there alot. You will never be forgotten, you are in their hearts forever. As I got out of the car and walked down by that rock, my breath caught in my throat---somebody had just in the last several weeks, because I visit here often, painted your racing number on that rock in bright red paint. Sometimes when I go, the grass is all trampled down, like many are walking down to that little creek that hold so many memories for a lot of kids. They keep flowers there all the time, some are real which are very pretty. As I sat there on Saturday afternoon, the wind was slightly blowing, the water was making that bubbling noise over the rocks, the birds were singing in the back round. At first, I felt such terrible sadness, my mind just kept playing out that night, how our lives were all changed in a matter of a split second. I just kept praying, God, I know you are with me, but could you just please in some way show me your presence---show me You are with me now. I sat there a while longer an instead of keep thinking of that night, my focus started to change to-- Tay, what might you be doing this very second. Are you walking and talking with Jesus as I am sitting by this creek, or are you sitting by the river that is crystal clear fishing, or maybe eating from the tree of life, or most likely riding a fourwheeler. I had to think, you have won the last battle here on earth, death---you now can see clearly all what i can only image. The longer I sat there more peaceful I became, no the sadness never left my heart, but I know you are in great Hands. God did give me His peace as i sat there, but I did not get any physical sign of His presence until the next day (Sunday). God has spoken so many times, in very difficult times through His song Amazing Grace---every time I hear it, I know that God is speaking to me--- saying----"Yes, I am right here with you---just hang onto me real tight. " Yesterday afternoon, I was downstairs and as I came up into the kitchen, I heard Amazing Grace starting to play on WCRF. The instant I heard it, the Spirit popped into my mind saying, "remember yesterday when you wanted to see My presence, here is your sign." I stood there and listened to every word, even though I have heard it many times----I knew God was speaking straight to my heart---So, Tay, yes, I do have sadness in my heart, but only because I miss you so much---but know that Jesus is taking very good care of me. I do rejoice that you don't have the troubles of this world to have to deal with anymore----that you are safely home. I mourn more for myself than for you----Our hope of heaven is now your promise fulfilled---you are already there. The other morning when I got up, I decided that instead of mourning my losses, I would try to praise God for His faithfulness all day, because truly I have many reasons to be thankful. In my quiet time that day, God gave me the verse 1John 3:1 "How great is the love the Father has lavished on me, that I should be called a child of God."
Last week, Tay, I did another really hard thing----another first. I had prayed really hard that Jesus would go with me, and I am sure He did, but still it was one of the hardest things I did yet. I went back into Gilliman's for a visitation---ya, there was the first time I saw your very still body, so lifeless and cold---everywhere I looked, brought back those horrible memories, even Mr. Gillian's face was marked with memories. I know Jesus was holding me up, because without His strength, I am sure I would have been a puddle on the floor. Everything in that place, screams memories, the hallway to that terrible room almost made me start to shake, even the couch screamed pain. I know Tay, you do not want us to be sad, and some days, we can even remember all the crazy things you said and did and laugh. One of your friends came and visited me yesterday---just want you to know, you touched her life in a very profound way---she is now running the race for Jesus and telling her friends about Him.
Brooke and I sometimes just go out to your grave site---ya, we know you are not there, but that is the closes we can get to you on this earth. We sometimes just stand there in complete silence, each in our own thoughts----we look at your picture we have of you out there and both say, we can not believe this is really our reality. Our minds slips back to that day we all stood around your casket with our hearts breaking into a million pieces, and realized we have healed some since that day. No the pieces will never be all put back together again, until we all reach Heaven's shores and we are reunited. I realized God picked you to use to touch so many lives---God was doing a work in you since the day you were born, so on this Aug 16th 2009, He could touch the hearts of so many---I pray each one will continue to let God work in their hearts. Some have told me they were going back to church, some have said, it all makes me believe there really is a Heaven and a God, some have said I have given my heart completely to God. I also realize God used your death in teaching not only your friends, but also each one of your family members different things He wanted us to see and learn. I have learned to trust, believe and truly hand on to God with both hands and know that He will carry me through anything. He will give me just enough, never too little or even too much Grace for the exact moment I am living in. Your death has truly taught me what it is like to know there is no one or anywhere to run to in a time of extreme devastation except into the arm's of Jesus. I am sure you already know, but the best gift of all, is that through your death, Spencer has given his heart to Jesus. I have seen him grow closer and closer to Him day by day. God truly knew what He was doing that night, even though on bad days, I can still feel like-- God, I do not understand why You have allowed this terrible tragedy to happen, but I usually will end with-----I am willing to follow You through it----because I truly know in my heart of hearts God knows what is best for me.
Tay, I will always love you with all my heart----yes, a tear or two will most likely slid down my cheeks when I think of all the losses, but know I am trusting God with my heart and know some day soon, we will be together and all of this will be a distant memory and none of it will matter anymore. Love, Mom

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