Yesterday was another first----but found it not nearly as hard as his birthday or Christmas, thankfully. Yes, his absent was certainly felt, but then that is true of every day. I love the way God has His very special ways of showing His presence and love for me. Yesterday in church, they spent most of the service talking about mothers and how very important they are in the home---one very important job is to instill scripture into the minds of their children. Looking back, I wish I would have done more of that, because as I found out once you memorize scripture, you never forget it, oh I may not be able to remember it word for word, but I never forget the major point that scripture is making. If anyone would ever ask me what was the one thing that helped me most through my journey of grief, I would say without a shallow of a doubt it was scripture that I had memorized, because no matter where I was---in the middle of the night, out getting groceries, or driving down the road, when great waves of grief hit, I can instantly start to repeat these promises to God--they become a prayer in my heart---maybe not instantly, but sooner or later, a great peace will come over me and I can feel God right beside me. Back to yesterday in church, as a gift to the mother's they had all the guys in church go up front and sing a couple of songs. I could not believe it when they sang "Amazing Grace"----it was absolutely beautiful with all those men's voices blending together---but besides being beautiful, it was also a gift from God. That is the song that God has spoken to me in many sad and dark hours of this journey. Whenever I hear that song, I know God is speaking to me. It was like He was saying, I am right here with you holding your hand and helping you through another first.
The kids took Jeff and I out for dinner to celebrate Mother's day----We had a nice time, but that was when Taylor's absent was felt the most. Even though, we talked and had some laughs, it was ever present in my mind that he was not there. He was always the "clown" of the family. He had a unique sense of humor--always bring a smile to your face, even on a bad day. I have only seen a truck exactly like his twice since his death, and after we were done eating and driving home, we see one just like his. I had to catch my breath---each time I have seen one like his, my heart jumps, just for an instant I think it is him. None of us say a word, we all seen it driving right by us. Finally, I say----What do you think Taylor is doing today? I am sure he is having a feast all of his own. God was telling us, Taylor is with you, just not physically, but definitely in our hearts forever.
Something I want to share---on a day that I needed encouragement last week, God had a friend of Taylor's send me this-I believe God was trying to tell me once again---I know this is hard, but I do have a plan. She wrote" I thought the dreams were over with, I didn't think Taylor would ever come visit me in my dreams again. In the dream-He and I were in his truck talking about how I didn't want him to go on that ride, we both knew what was going to happen. I was begging him not to do it. He looked right at me and told me he had to, it was in the plans and he wasn't scared at all. He touched my arms and was trying to tell me it was okay. I think in my dream Taylor wasn't afraid of what was gonna happen, he was scared of making anyone sad. Dreams like that make me believe there is a God and a Heaven". I thought, WOW! God was not only talking to me, but He was talking to this friend too. I felt God was telling me to keep my focus on Him and remember He has an ultimate plan---no mistakes , and telling this friend to believe in God and what He has for her, also an ultimate plan. Another thing I have discovered on this bumpy journey of grief is-- God actually is talking with us all the time if we are listening closely we will hear him. He truly is never far away, but it is so easy to get wrapped up in our circumstances , and miss this still small voice.
Just like last night, I wasn't in a terribly deep pit, but coming through another first just sort of feeling sad, missing Taylor's presence, his voice, his famous little grin, his crazy jokes, I picked up the book "Roses in December". It is about a mother that lost her 17 year old son in a car accident. It was like God was once again reminding me of something He has told me over and over again---almost the first thing I read in this book (I will put my name in beside the mom's) This is what she felt God was telling her through a verse very soon after Nate was killed " While I knew Nate(Taylor )being only seventeen (20) died before his time. I also felt God was saying to me, Marilyn (Deb), it wasn't an accident. I wasn't on vacation the night Nate (Taylor) died. I knew about it before it happened. Marilyn (Deb), I am taking him away from something worse. He is with Me and he is doing fine". I felt a real peace come over me, and knew it was that small still voice talking to me again. Just knowing that God loves me and cares about my every tear doesn't take the hurt away, but it does make the hurt more bearable. I know when I am hurting and crying, Jesus is hurting too. That is why Jesus is my very best friend. He is always there and knows just what to say that will help ease the pain.
Amber sent me this poem, -again---I am sure God brought it to her attention, and whispered in her ear that she should send it to me---and yes, when I got it, i did cry a tear or two for Taylor, and also a few for the great love I feel from God, family and the people God has brought into my life.
"I'll lend you for a little time
A child of Mine." He said,
"For you to love while he lives,
And mourn for when he's dead,
It may be six or seven years
Or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call back
Take care of him for Me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you
And should his stay be brief
You'll have his lovely memories
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all from Earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there,
I want this child to learn,
I've looked this wide world over
In my search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
I have selected you:
Now will you give him all your love,
Nor think the labour vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call
And take him back again?
I fancied that I heard them say,
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done,
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,
For the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've know,
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him
Much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand."
I am so glad God picked me to be his mom, even if it was for a short 20 years. God truly did just loan him to me---- we have that promise of being united again!!!