This past week past another anniversary of Tay's death. It has been ten months. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, passes and pretty soon days turn into months. My heart aches for JP and Crystal for they have experienced one of the worst things that can ever happen to a parent. The extreme emptiness, sadness that can not begin to be explained in words, all the "what if's", the "why's" and the dream of what kind of little boys would they have been is gone. Yes, they will be changed forever. They will have a whole different view on life, God will be their life line. God has chosen them to Glorify His name and for others to see God in them, which I am sure we are all seeing clearly. I have read some of their post and I know that God is carrying them and giving them Grace minute by minute, which He will continue to do.
Why is it that songs are one of the things that will most likely bring me to tears. I hardly ever get through a whole Sunday without tears running down my face. Maybe it is because they are so beautiful, it makes me feel like I am in heaven. A lot of the time if I just listen to the words, they are so beautiful---so full of praise. We have not yet gotten a tombstone, but the other evening, we were out at the cemetery. Jeff was working with Tay's grave. As i stood there watching him and spencer work, I could not help but think---Taylor what are you doing out here---this is not what any parent should be doing. I thought, how many times did Taylor drive by the lane to this very cemetery to go to rittman church and I can say I doubt very much if he was ever back here, or probably even knew it was here. I stood there thinking, just how uncertain life is---that very sunday before his accident, he drove right by the lane going to church--not a care in the world, not knowing that by the next week, he would not be driving by the lane, but instead being driven up the lane.
It was one year old today, that Taylor bought that fateful fourwheeler. I can remember so clearly, how I did not want him to get it, but how do you stop a 20 year from getting it. Brooke and I made a trip to the bank, and Taylor decided to come along to see if he could get a loan for his 4-wheeler. I was so very happy that he had no credit, so they would not give him a loan. I thought it was a done deal, but when Taylor set his mind to something, he went after it. He soon came up with a plan that he presented to me. He wanted to take money out of his savings account---which was for college and buy it then make payments back to himself. I agreed that would be ok to do --thinking it would make him more responsible having to make payments each month, sometimes I wonder what would have happened, if I did not ok that plan. I looked at his bank book the other day, and it was a year ago today, that he withdrew his money to buy it. I remember that smile on his face when I said he could do it---his smile was contagious, it even made me smile. Little did we all know that exactly two months later he would be in eternity and that day would be his viewing day---again the uncertainty of life. There is that fourwheeler still sitting out in our shed all covered up. It is just too painful to look at. To look at it is so bittersweet---when I stand there looking at it now---I can see him on it with a big grin on his face ready to tear around the yard on two wheels, and then I can also see it as the terrible thing that took his life.
It soon will be one year---we actually survived, even though at times I had my doubts. As I think back, yes, we each healed at least to some degree. Sometimes I wonder will I ever get to the point where I do not have that heavy feeling sitting right in the middle of my heart, or has it settled in to stay. People have told me to hang on to all the precious memories, and that is true, but I have to say, memories are right down painful-----will someday the memories turn from painful to happy, or I guess I should say, nice--because they will probably never be happy---that is like some days I miss him so much that I feel I just want to see him alive again. I am so tempted to get out my home-video's from his prom and graduation---but I am just not sure if that would healing, or down right heart wrenching.
As I am writing this, the thought popped into my mind, God never promised us that it would be easy here on earth, that in fact we would have trouble and trials, but He did promise us that it will be worth all our suffering when we get to those shores of Heaven and see the beauty He has in store for us. I am trying to remember life here on earth is just a vapor and eternity is forever and forever---and I have all that time to be with Taylor and best of all Jesus will be our Master. One last thought. The other sunday in church I heard something that has stuck with me. He said we all pray daily for the Holy Spirit to fill us---but the thing is, when we ask for the spirit to fill us, are we wanting also to be in the driver seat and Jesus riding with us in the passenger seat, or are we quickly getting into the passenger seat and asking Jesus to drive for us. I thought it was very interesting, and how many times, have I asked Jesus to go with me, when I should be asking Jesus to take me with Him.
I would like to ask one last thing of anyone who happens to be reading this, please keep us in your prayers as the one year anniversary date of Taylor's death is getting closer. Also I want to thank those who have continued to pray for us day after day. I will sometimes get just little short e-mails that say---just want you to know, you are still in my prayers---nothing touches my heart more than hearing those words---because I have seen great power in prayer. We all serve an Awesome God.