Saturday, July 3, 2010

Will God meet all our needs?

I have not written in a while---really that is a good thing. When I am drawn to write is usually when I am having a hard time----when I am struggling and trying to keep from drowning. Maybe it is getting harder at times because it is getting close to the one year anniversary of this terrible nightmare and it all wants to keep replaying in my mind. It will never cease to amaze me how God will reach down and take a hold of my hand and pull me up and carry me until I am strong enough to walk with him and not have to be carried. Tonight, Spencer and Jeff had left and I was here by myself, and decided to just open the bible and see what God had for me and i opened to Psalm 105 :1-2 which says-"Give thanks to the Lord, call on His Name; make known among the nations what he has done. Sing to Him, sing praise to Him; tell of all His wonderful acts." This was a very hard week. It started last Sunday. We went to church and we sang the song "What a Day of Rejoicing that Will Be". It sounded just like the angels of heaven were singing it---it was beautiful. It makes me cry every time we sing it--the words are so very true---That song just makes me urn for heaven, but then we also sang Amazing Grace and How Great Thou Art----these were the songs sung at Tay's funeral, but yet God has spoken so often through these songs. It brought back so many memories---some unbelievable sadness and some of God's unbelievable Grace and Mercy. Last Sunday i certainly should have remembered to take some Kleenex's with me--my sleeves were getting pretty wet :). Monday, I was pretty knocked down and depressed. I just wanted or it felt like I needed some connection with Tay, so decided to go through and clean up some of his stuff we had put in boxes. As i opened the boxes to sort through it, I seen things, like his i-pod, watch, check book, credit cards, then I picked up his Cologne---I decided to spray alittle---a mistake. They told us in school, the strongest sense for memory is smell----they were so right. That smell brought back so many memories of when he use to come home in a hurry and just not enough time for a shower so he would run upstairs to his room spray a bunch on and run out the door as the rest of us in the house were saying between coughs "I think you put on a little too much tonight". When ever I would smell that scent I always knew Taylor was close by. Memories, oh memories--As I sat there on the floor, i just cried out to God saying Please let me see him one more time, hear his voice----maybe in a dream anything----I am losing it here---I am so lonesome for him. But I realized I had to pull myself together, Spencer was soon going to be home. I have figured out so very often, my thinking of what would be good for me, and what God KNOWS is good for me is too very different things. God will meet all my needs, just not usually the way I think it is going to be. No, God did not give me a dream, but it is amazing how He will work in other people's hearts to reach out to us and encourage us at just the right moments. I go to the mail box on Tue and here is this card that pretty much says how I am feeling-----it says---A mighty wind blew night and day. It stole the oak tree's leaves away. Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark until the oak was tired and stark. But still the oak tree held its ground while other trees fell all around. It went on to say the roots had grown deeper and deeper and that is why it could stand-----so very true Jesus is my roots and without Him I would have fallen long ago. Then a day or two later we got another letter from a friend that was also very encouraging just in part she said Go outside. Look into the clouds.....Look beyond...Think of Taylor....imagine his happy, carefree face SMILING down on you! Smile Back. Taylor is happy. She closed her letter by saying---I know you may think: "What does she know about my pain? She has never lost a child as I have, and here she is trying to tell me what to do and think." Must I say, God works in mysterious ways. It is not easy for me to tell you what to do. But I believe God gave me these thoughts that I was to pass on to you." There is no doubt in my mind that God worked in both of these people's hearts and it turned into a real encouragement and blessing for us---I have read that letter and card many times. I just never know how God is going to encourage me, lift me up when I have fallen down, but one thing I do know is that God will never leave me alone to go through this stormy time in life. Not only did God show Himself through other people, but He also showed up in a completely different way. It was either on the same day we got that letter or the next day, can't remember which, anyway-----Taylor had alot of allergies and August (the month of his accident) was always a bad month for him----ragweed was not his friend. He had trouble breathing at night, so he often had to sleep with his mouth open, which made him slobber (a nice way a saying spit) on his pillow case. I had to change them often----when I got home that Sunday night after his accident and went into his room to lay on his bed, the first thing I seen was all those marks on his pillow case. I put my head on that pillow and sobbed and held it close to my face, knowing in my heart I would never wash this pillow case---I left it on his bed for several months, I know it may be crazy but when I went in there and sat on his bed and held that pillow, it just made me feel close to him and sometimes I could even give a little smile. One day, though, I did go into his room and took it off of his pillow and folded it up and put it into his box of things----knowing it was so much a part of him. Then last week, i changed the sheets on our bed, I was in a hurry so I just grabbed some pillow cases out of the cupboard and put them on----no they did not match the sheets----but thought who cares no company was expected :) and they were clean. When I was getting ready to go to bed that night, and Spencer was in the bedroom talking with me and I happen to look at my pillow and I said to him, what is all over my pillow case, I just changed it all today--I never noticed a thing when I put the pillow case on---God had not yet opened my eyes to see it at that time. As I got closer, I just stopped and stared---I thought, no that can't be taylor's pillow case, that is all tucked away in his box, but as I got closer and picked it up that was exactly what it was. I picked it up and smelled it and it smelled just like Taylor----instantly a little voice said in my head----" I am here and so is Taylor---We really are not far from you--Taylor is fine, happy---you wanted to feel him close to you today---he is here with you. Tears came to my eyes----God is so merciful----He hurts when I hurt---I was crying out to Him, please let me see Tay, or hear his voice earlier that day----He answered that prayer in the way that was best for me----Thank you Jesus---I praise Your High and Holy Name! Thank you all who continue to pray for us and encourage us in the ways God has directed your hearts.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Deb,

    This is Lisa Becker, Dawn's friend. She shared your blog with me some time ago and on occasion, I will log-on to read your tender-hearted entries. Thank you for sharing your heart during this difficult time. Your words are so beautiful and have touched so many lives!

    You know, I can't tell you how often I've thought about you & your family over the past several months. And for some reason, I've felt a nudge to post a comment and say, "hello" regarding your 7/3 entry in particular. Your words totally grabbed my heart as you shared how you've asked God to share Taylor in your dreams as well as the smells that remind you of your son. I can so relate!

    I hope you don't mind my sharing this -- my dad died almost 26 years ago and even after all these years, he will occasionally visit me in my dreams. It's pretty incredible actually because he usually shows up very unexpectedly! There are times in which it's more frequent; while other times, years can pass without a glimpse. With each dream, however, there are a couple of commonalities; they are so vivid and real and as a result, when I wake up I always think that dad has just been on vacation! (Maybe that's how I imagine heaven to be -- one big vacation!?!? :) Also, with each dream experience, my mind needs time to connect-up with my heart again, realizing that it was indeed a dream. In the end though, it's a great comfort to know that my dad is still with me just as your son is with you in different ways.

    I also remember a time in which I received a box of printed invitations; back in the day when we sent them to a printer instead of using our computers. (It seems like I'm using the phrase..."back in the day" more & more lately, but I digress. :) Anyway, my dad was a printer and the smell of ink was "his scent". When I opened up the box, an aroma of ink lifted from inside the box. Tears of joy and sadness immediately came. It was a really beautiful and personal moment shared between God, my dad & I!! I think they both knew that I needed this at that particular moment in life!

    I share these two experiences because I've come to realize that it is in these unique and intimate moments that God shows-up to let us know that our loved ones are safe in His care. I so love that about God -- He can be so incredibly huge while at the same time, extend His loving care in an ordinary everyday moment made just for me!! He's so sweet that way!

    In closing, I know we've been together only a few times spent with Dawn. But your incredibly beautiful smile continues to remain in my heart's memory box!! My prayer is that God will continue to give you strength, peace, and deep rest in His arms in the days ahead.

    Many blessings to you and your family,