It has been a long time since I have visited this blog site..is it because it brings back so many terrible memories, or have I healed enough that I don't feel the need to journal as much? I would probably have to answer that question with yes to both options. We have gone through several more landmarks since I have blogged last. I have heard some say the second year is even harder than the first, but I am happy to say I do not feel this way. That first year and all the landmarks that went with it was heart wrenching and very painful, not saying this second year is easy, but I seem to have more good days than bad...or maybe I should say the pain went from acute to an intense longing. I long for the day to be reunited with Taylor, and of course that means, I will also be in the presence with our Great Master and King.
We pasted the second anniversary of Tay's death..Aug 16th. This is such a different feeling than celebrating his birthday. They are both hard, but in different ways...his birthday, I find myself thinking about the day he was born, and his life, all the things he enjoyed, his personality, his smile, what he would have been like today, would he soon be getting married, but his death date is all about that terrible week. I find myself thinking about what the week before was like, all the conversations I had with him, the things I did with him and then what I was doing that day...how happy we were at Dawn's wedding, just being all together, then came the call that changed my life forever. That was all bad enough, but then the next week is engraved in my mind forever. I must also say, yes the memories of that week are filled with horror memories, but also, it was a time in my life that I have never felt God so close...I could almost feel His arms physically around me holding me up. I have often thought, where would I have been today if I did not know Jesus. would I have just became a shell walking around, would I have become addicted to pills, pills to get up, pills to go to sleep. I am not saying it is easy by any means, but God provides just enough Grace for each day...some days I need alot to get through and others not as much.
I guess, I sorta thought that his friends would maybe.. not forget.., but move on and this would all be a terrible memory, but several came to see me around the anniversary date, and we just talked about Taylor, some were funny memories, some were really sad memories. Some wrote memories on his facebook page, which i find myself really liking...I find out things about his personality that I never seen as clearly as his friends did . Us and Max's family went out to the cemetery to spend some time remembering. Max had a prayer that touched each of our hearts. We let off balloons, we all just watched them drifting off to heaven, some went really fast..straight up and out of sight quickly, others just drifted slowly upward. I had to think that is sorta the way we are, some have a direct focus..all we want to do is get there as quickly as possible, others have the same focus, want to get to heaven, but if it takes alittle more time that is fine too. A few of his friends came out to the cemetery too, we really did not give a special invitation to anyone, but some of his friends just drifted out there on this terrible day, just to remember the friend they had lost two years ago. It did make me feel really good that they came out to remember tay...he isn't forgotten in the hearts of his friends, but lives on. This year was different from last year besides it being the second year instead of the first...his tombstone was up. It just made it all so very real....this is our reality..his smiling face looking back at us...his name and birthday engraved in stone, then under that, the date of his death. Almost every time I read the poem we found to put on the back of his stone, it brings tears to my eyes...as soon as we seen this poem, we knew this was the one to put on...it fits so perfectly, almost like it was written for his tragedy. On this anniversary, I did get several cards that said they were thinking and praying for us...it always brings a smile to my heart when somebody tells me they are praying for us...because I know that is the one things that will absolutely carry me through the bad days and also bring the sun out on the good days. I even had the courage to go back and open up and read some of cards that were sent to us during those very hard days. Was it encouraging....I don't know for sure, the one thing I do know is it brought tears and a lot of memories back...but it also brought the thought hundreds and hundreds of people were praying for us and I do have to say God did speak very clearly through some of the messages written.....so I guess it did bring some type of encouragement.
Another event that we passed for the second time was the fair. Fair time is very bittersweet for me. Taylor loved the fair, he could hardly wait for it to come each year and when it did, he spent every spare moment there. His most favorite part was on Monday afternoons when they had the county tractor pull. He would invite all his friends to come and watch..whether they liked the pull or just wanted to support Tay, alot of them would show up and sit in the grandstand...when Tay would get up to the starting line they would all yell, scream, and whistle as loud as they could. The funny part was, it did not matter if Tay did well or not, they acted like he won the race. I can see him as clear as if it was yesterday, sitting there in line on his tractor with his favorite white cap on, trying not to look nervous waiting in line for his name to be called. I have videos of his pulls, but as of yet, I have not found the strength or courage to watch them...maybe some day. I have found it is just much easier not to go to the fair on those Mondays....I have never watched another pull, but just hearing them call out the names and the length of the pulls is just too much of a reminder what I have lost, so I pick a different day for the fair.
There was one more very big occasion where Tay's absent was very acutely felt and that was on July 30, Brooke's wedding day. I will make that another post.
Would I say that time heals wounds? I would say more that time puts a scab over the wound, but it never completely heals, there are occasions and moments where that scab gets ripped open some, and it bleeds...the time when it will be completely healed with not even a scar will be the day I meet him on heaven's shores.
I will end with a couple of quotes that I thought had a lot of meat to them, if you take a few minutes to think on it
"Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a course of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead"
The one that really touched my heart is this one "Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing, but to turn it into His Glory