Friday, November 18, 2011

Brooke's wedding day

Brooke's wedding was July 30th. I prayed so hard that God would be so present on this day...also, who wants to enter marriage without God being the most important Guest there, but also, I knew it was going to be an emotional day. A day where family is suppose to be all together to celebrate a very happy occasion, but Tay was not going to be there. God answered my prayers, God was there and very present and I do think He brought a little of Taylor with him. It was suppose to be a stormy and rainy weekend, but guess what God gave us instead..ya sunny skies. We had a lot of people that were going to be traveling from many different states....all arrived and got back home safely. The only mishap was BJ's mom gave her sister her car keys for safe keeping, and forgot to get them back from her sister before the sister left and flew back to CA. So, BJ's mom was stuck in Seville with her keys in CA, but God worked it all out in a day or so.
Spencer and Mark were ushers..and if I say so  myself, they both looked rather handsome, but I could not keep myself from thinking, Tay should be there ushering with Spenc. My mind went back 6 years ago when one of Warren's daughter's got married and she asked Taylor to usher. He was so excited to look so important all dressed up in a tux, he did not care he did not have a clue how to usher..that people actually do have specific places to be seated. In fact, when the church was getting full, and he did not know where to put the later comers, he forgot and put them where grandma and grandpa were suppose to sit.
I prayed that in some way, maybe God would just let me feel Taylor's presence ...I sometimes wonder does God ever let the ones that are so much a part of us, look down on happy occasions---I believe He does.... God did plant little things into our hearts and minds that we could do to "bring" Taylor into the wedding with us. This was not a memorial for Taylor, but a celebration of two hearts that God had brought together 5 years ago. We put a picture of Taylor along side a burning yellow candle up on the alter. It burned off to the side of the unity candle. As I sat on that front bench watching Brooke and BJ's repeating their vows, I could also see Taylor's face smiling back at just made it feel like he was present in spirit with us. Brooke had decided to carry a single sunflower tucked into her wedding bouquet in memory of Taylor...that was his favorite flower. She also picked the sunflower to give to the mothers. When she came over and hugged me and handed me the sunflower....a few tears could not help but run down my cheeks. As I watched Spenc and others "decorate" their vehicle, I again thought how Taylor would have loved that...He was always one filled with ideas to play tricks on others.  Yes, there were moments when my mind and heart could not help but feel his loss, but I must say with a grateful heart...God blessed the day and there were many, many happy moments and memories. Brooke's husband is a deeply spiritual man, and for that I am very thankful...don't we all pray that our kids will marry a guy/girl that loves the Lord with all of their hearts. The one thing I didn't pray for was that he would be in the navy. That sounded like they would not be living in Ohio...since there is not much water close by...if they would have said a rainy state...ohio would have been in the top  that was going to mean they will either be on the west coast or east. God would give me time to adjust to that thought, since BJ is in training in Chicago and Brooke is living at home working and finishing her masters program, but then what?? I must admit I have had a really hard time with this. I kept wanting to pray that God would in some way take BJ out of this program, which is a very dangerous one. I kept thinking can Brooke, or for that matter any of us take the stress of always wondering where he is, is he ok..will he come back in one piece or even will his personality be the same or will it  be totally different..will they have taught him to completely emotionally detach from any situation. I kept thinking..God just what are you trying to teach fact I wanted to whine alittle and just say...didn't we learn enough hard lessons with losing Taylor, but I found that when I would try to pray my "will" God would very quietly whisperd in my ear..."Don't you trust Me to know what is best." I stressed many days, looking at once again all that could possibly be taken away. Brooke could be living 1,000's of miles away, grandkids that I could possibly only see once a year, but God just kept whispering in my ear.."Trust Me." I was pretty much like Moses, I could come up with a hundred excuses why I really did not think this is the best place for BJ and Brooke, it all looked so stressful and hard, would any of us be able to get through another death, so please God can you help me out here. All God kept saying was "Trust Me".  I knew if I was ever going to have that indescribable peace in my heart about this, that was exactly what I was going to have to do...surrender it all to God. So, I did what Jeremiah 29:13-14 says.." You will seek and find Me when you will seek Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, Declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity." That was when I could finally say..God I know You will do what is best for each of us..Yes, I trust You. No, I don't know what the next step is for them, but God is in our tomorrow and He does. I have found over and over happiness and joy have not much in common. Happiness is fleeing, it goes and comes with circumstances, joy can be long lasting and has nothing to do with circumstances, it is all within the heart where God is found.

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