Monday, August 19, 2013
One thought can be...it has ONLY been four years. It seems so very long since I have seen taylor walk through the door and say "Hello, family I am home" and then give me that famous smirky little grin. Then other times I can think, it ALREADY has been 4 years. It seems just like yesterday that I got that dreaded phone call on a hot summer night where my life has never been the same since. I can remember every single detail just like it was yesterday. This week is always a hard time, because as each day dawns I remember what we were doing 4 years ago. I go through my day looking at the clock and thinking what was happening 4 years ago. I am sure that many of his close friends also were remembering back to that hot summer evening that went terribly wrong. I had one of his friend's call and we talked a half hour of so just of memories, but he not only wanted to talk about memories, he also wanted to know just how I was doing, how was I coping....and that always leads the conversation into the presence of God and all His mercy and compassion. I got several cards from his friends who had remembered the exact day. That will always touch my heart, when I know he still lives on in their memories. On the 16th I would keep looking at the clock remembering that long quiet horrible ride back from Illinois. All that kept running through my head at that time was How can this possibly be true, and how will we ever get through the horror that will follow this week. This is where the prayers of everybody that knows and loves you are praying without ceasing, because at this point we are so far in the depths of shock and disbelief our brains cant even put thoughts together to pray. When we did finally arrive back home we were so very exhausted and it didn't help that we slept little if any the night before. The whole yard was filled with cars, all I really wanted to do was crawl upstairs to bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there until Jesus came back. That was all 4 years ago, and like I said, every memory is crystal clear, but also the memory of how God held me and carried me through it all is also crystal clear. Back to the present time...Friday afternoon, I went to Wooster to get balloons for the kids to let go out at the cemetery later in the evening. It was a beautiful night, one just like Taylor would have loved, sunny, slightly breezy and warm. Us and Max's and their families when out about 6:30. First, we all walked around looking at different people's graves, but slowly one by one we found our way back to Taylor's. We all just stood there remembering 4 years ago. We did, though, something a little different this year...we all told of memories we had of Taylor. Most brought a smile or even a chuckle to our hearts, because Taylor was one with a lot of action, some good and some that ended not so good, but funny for the ones around him. Max was telling a story of when he took Taylor deer hunting. Max said that when a really nice big deer came and stood right in front of Taylor, he got so nervous he could not shoot, Max kept whispering shoot, when taylor got up enough courage to shoot... the deer had seen them by this time and was running away, taylor did end up shooting, but of course he did not get any deer on that outing. But he did get more courage and the next time they went out, he got much more brave and shot sooner, but max said this time about 12 deer were out in shooting range, so one would think taylor would try to shoot the biggest one, but not taylor, he shoots bambi, a much smaller one. He didn't care, he was just happy he hit one, now he brought meat to the table for dinner. Then after an hour or so, we gave all the kids balloons and had them write anything on them if they wanted. Then as they held the balloons we started to sing "Jesus Loves Me" and then the kids let them go...I have to admit this really touched my heart as we watched those balloon ascend into the heavens and we sang this song which we all truly knew was the heart of our God...He does love us. After we left there, we went out to the accident site. It was all so quiet this night, but as I stood there, I could imagine the night of 4 years ago, the red lights flashing of the ambulance come screeching down the road to help Taylor and all the kids standing there with extreme fear on their faces and in their hearts. Has this changed their hearts, I certainly hope so, at least I know of a few that it has, but God only knows about the rest of them. Some of this friends had visited the site today. There were several bouquet of flowers set out close to the cross, someone had put several little tractors by the cross. I sometimes can get caught up in the "what if's", like what if Taylor could have seen that culvert just 3 seconds earlier could he have gotten the 4wheeler up soon enough and he would have been fine, what it nobody would have been riding on the back of him, was it too heavy to move fast enough to miss the culvert. What if I would have had him go with us to the wedding of my sister out in Illinois, he was home that week on vacation from school, so he could have easily gone with us, what if they would not have laid those two big rock only two weeks before. But I found "what if's" will only give my heart more pain, because I can't change a thing. So, once again I remind myself, God never makes a mistake, Taylor's work and life came to the twelfth hour that night, it was finished. Brooke even said, mom if he would have gone to the wedding with us, you were driving and most likely you would have had an accident and he still would have died, because God was calling him home that night and now you would have to live with that too. I know just how hard some days it is to live with missing Taylor, I can't imagine how hard it would be if I had somehow been in an accident and he died from injuries from that accident. So, rest assured I try to always just know that God's plan is a perfect plan even when it hurts so much you are not even sure you will survive to tell about it. God will sometimes even give me little clues in why He picked Taylor. One of his friends told me that in all the people he has ever met, Taylor is the one person he will always remember, not only because of all that happened he said but because of who he was, his character. That same day, I had another person say, taylor sure touched many lives even though he was so young, there was just something about him. So, did God possibly look down from Heaven and see taylor's heart already belonged to Him, and could also see that Taylor's death would bring other souls to Him, if this is true.. then all the pain of losing him so early in life is worth it...and I am sure after all what Taylor has seen in these last 4 years, he would strongly agree.....and to think some day, we will be face to face with our King and He will answer any questions we will have, He will explain it all to us and I am quite sure, we will say that plan was perfect....but until that day, we live by faith and I do have faith, it was a perfect plan, does it hurt, is it hard....a big resounding YES....but God is my Best Friend and Comforter.