I had to think, God is never changing, always the same, but it us who does the moving and changing. April 1st would marked Taylor's 24th birthday. I have to say, I have done a lot of changing in these three in half years. Some days I have moved so close to Jesus I could feel His arms around me, and other times I would have to ask, God where are you...but in all reality, He was always there right beside me, I just had moved away, even when I never intended for that to happen. As I think back over these three years, I realize how much I have changed, my interest and desires are so different now. God grabbed my full attention in a split second and gave me the biggest test of my life. I must say, He never sent me out on the battle field alone, not even for a second, He always went with me and most days He went before me. I, at times thought I would never survive the road of grieving. At one point God gave me the verse Isa: 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. when you walk through the fire, you will not be burnt. The flames will not set you ablaze." This was a promise of God and He did exactly what He said He would do. The flames may have singed me a few times, the water may have gotten up to my waist, but God always came and picked me up and carried me to safety. I have found that it is very possible to be completely devastated, but still feel like you are on a mountain top with Jesus. Even when it felt like my heart was breaking into a million pieces, I have never felt the presence of Jesus more intimately. Is it possible to be on the mountain top with God without going through fire of a trial...I know that is the time you hang onto God with both hands because you know deep inside of your heart that is the only way you will make it through, so we move very close to Jesus's heart. Why can't we stay there, my heart thirst for that, but we end up rolling down the mountain. I believe God gives us a glimpse of what an intimate relationship with Him feels like, so it will put a fire in our hearts to always want that, but it will never be a continuous mountain top until we are living with Jesus in eternity. My God of yesterday, before the accident, was like a friend, somebody I would spend time with and talk to, but did not look for Him like one would look for treasures, because we know God has treasures hidden in all different places all through our day. My God of today, the days and months after the accident, God became my very best friend, like I could hardly take a breath without Him being right beside me. Now, I was very alert looking for treasures everywhere I went. Each treasure I found brought Jesus a little bit closer and a little bit more real. My God of tomorrow, which is the present time is a good friend, but I want my relationship of my best friend back, but I don't want the fiery trial that came with it back. So, is it possible to have it all here on earth, or is it heaven thing??
Taylor's birthday this year was more quiet than years past. Spenc was off school, so him and I went out to the site earlier in the day. When we got there, we seen some of his friends already had been there. Flying in the cold wind was a happy birthday balloon tied to the cross and one single red rose in a vase sitting at the bottom of the cross. Spenc and I stood there for awhile looking at the cross and the area around it, thinking this is where in a moment of time our lives all changed and Taylor's last breath was breathed, and the angels came and got him. Usually, Max's family and us go out to the cemetery in the evening to let off balloons and just do alittle remembering of Taylor, but this year just our family went. It was more quiet as we each thought in our own minds of memories of Taylor. I can not help but think about the day he was born. It was cold day, pretty much like this one. I just remember how little he was, but oh so perfect. I remember they brought him into my room after he was all cleaned up, with a cute little green stocking cap on, which green turned out to be his favorite color. I stood there thinking about his childhood, he was a boy that was not scared of much, and loved being outside, and he hated school from the first day I took him to preschool, until the last day he walked out of his college class for the last time, well, I guess he only hated the school work, he loved to socialize with his many friends in school. He really didn't like sports all that well, but thought a good way not to have to do any chores and could spend more time with his buds, so he ran track. I remember one day he had a meet and I did not go, but when he came home, I asked him how he did, and he said I did really good. I said did you win your heat, and he said, oh, no, but there were kids behind me. I had to chuckle, he was so different from Brooke. Then my thoughts went to the day we stood out here in this cemetery around his casket for the last time. It was a hot stormy day, a day not only were there tears flowing from his friends, and of course his family, but those black stormy clouds filled with rain were tears of Jesus crying with us. And finally my thoughts turned to the day in the future, when Christ will be coming through the clouds with ten thousand angel singing the most beautiful songs one could only imagine, and Taylor's grave will open up and his spirit will be reunited with his body, only this time his body will be immortal, and we will all meet Jesus in the air. Oh, what a day of rejoicing that will be!
actually, I found this post that I forgot to post in april, but will go ahead and post it now...better late than never