Well, here it is 2010 and the holidays are over. The kids are all back in school and i am here by myself. How does that make me feel? I am certainly glad the holidays are over. With the kids all gone, it is certainly quite---but that is not always bad---it gives me time and quietness to spend with God. That is a lot of times when I can feel His presences. New Year's was not nearly as sad as Christmas. In fact, it went quite well. The Plummer's from Latty were in the area, so they stopped by and we all went out to lunch and spent the afternoon together. It is always nice to be with them. They can relate to how we feel---and where we are. We can talk about memories of our son's, about the sadness of missing them, how to cope with the grief in all of this. We can encourage each other. Like Rick said---I wish we would never had to meet---meaning wishing our sons were still alive, but that was not God's plan---but in our brokenness, God brought us together to comfort each other, and to start a bonding friendship.
I am going to go back to the day I went out to the accident site. At first, I could not go and see where Taylor left this earth for eternity. It was just too hard---the shock of him dying was still shaking my body constantly, and seeing where it all happened was too much reality---my mind could not take it in. I knew one day it would be right for me to go and that day came probably a month or so after it happened. It was still warm. I picked a nice sunny day to go. I had heard so many details by now about how it all happened, I just wanted to sit and visualize it all in my mind. I drove slowly out to the site, parked my car and got out. I walked over to this culvert---it looked innocent enough, in fact at first glance it was almost peaceful. There was little stream running by a rock, the water was bubbling and making some calming noises. I stood there looking at the two white crosses, one saying "we love you, Taylor Gasser", the other one is bigger but blank. There were flowers all around the crosses. Somebody had built the crosses up and mulched around them. There were two little tractors beside the crosses---because one of his friends heard at the funeral in Brooke's tribute that Tay loved tractors from the time he could barely crawl. There was a noz can---something Tay always would be drinking---(as if he was not hyper enough)--a picture of Tay with some friends. As I stood looking at all this, tears just started to roll down my cheeks thinking how could this possibly have happened!!---then I was thinking how these kids loved Taylor and was missing him terrible just like the rest of us. Then my focus went down to the rock where Tay hit his head that night. I seen somebody had washed the rock of any remaining blood and put some daisies (there is a story with daisies) on the rock. This was more than I could take, i had to sit down and sob this moment out. As i sat there , I started to calm down and felt the sun on my back and heard the little creek bubbling along---I let my mind go back to that night and how it must have played out. It was a hot summer evening. The kids were all happy to be together on a Saturday night after a week of work to have some nice clean fun. Do you think it ever entered one kid's mind that somebody was going to die tonight----I am quite sure it didn't. They all had plans for that night, the next day, even the next week---death was the furthest thing from any of their minds. Just like Taylor, a day or so later after the accident, i opened his phone just to see who was calling him to hear his voice mail message---and I happened to see all the plans he had made for the next day and week---and i can tell you, not one of them was plans to be in Gilllman's funeral home----it just made me think---our life is just like it says---only a breathe away from eternity--life is just a vapor, a mist---so short and gone so quickly. Anyway back to that night. Several kids brought 4 wheelers that night and they were going from one farm to another so they were riding then. Several of them started out first, then Jake got on the back of Tay's and they wanted to catch up to these other guys. Taylor had just gotten this four wheeler exactly two months before and loved riding it. I have to say, Tay was a kid that often threw cautious to the wind, and loved adventure. He wanted to catch up with these other guys, and knowing Tay wanted to pass them----just to show them his was maybe a little bit faster. As he got up to this one kid's bike, Taylor started to pass, but kids being kids, this boy probably thought, you are not going to pass me tonight, and pulled over just a little bit. It was just enough for Taylor's front tire to hit his back tire and it caused Taylor to start to lose control.---But that was not so disastrous, and certainly not the first time---Taylor just went down into the ditch---the ditch was not that deep, so Tay straddled the ditch. Now why he rode like this for so long is a mystery, or I guess I should say----it was all in God's perfect Plan, because Tay had plenty of time to pull his bike back onto the road, or go into the field, or just plain stop---but he did none of these. I could just see his face at this point----Jake would have been hanging on tight, Tay's hair would have been blowing straight back, Tay would have had a smile on this face, thinking---that kid got me this time, but I will get him next time. Little did Tay know that his seconds on this earth was ticking away and he soon was going to be in eternity. As he is riding through this ditch, speed was probably not a factor at this point, because he could not been able to see all that well. What was going through Tay's mind as his eyes focused on that culvert that came out of nowhere. It looked like he quickly turned to the right trying with all his might to get his bike back up on the road, but oh, a second too late---the back wheel catches the culvert and flips him, Jake, and the bike backwards. Jake said, he felt every muscle fiber in Taylor's body go taunt. Jake flys off the bike and lands across the little creek in the soft dirt. He comes away with only a couple of scratches. The bike lands across the creek too on little tree--breaks it to the ground. Taylor lands head first on a rock, way down in the culvert---. As I sat there visualize all this---my mind kept wanting to scream----why God, why God, WHY could Taylor not have flown over the creek and landed on the soft dirt too, or why not in the creek water, or maybe, just maybe on the rock, but did it have to be head first---could it not have been his leg, arm, just why his head. I could have crumbled to the ground in all my "why", which I knew in my mind I was not going to get any answers for. But in my heart---I could hear this little small voice saying over and over---first quietly, but it did get louder and louder saying----"I know this is terribly hard---I cry with you----but always remember My Plan is Perfect!!! I make NO Mistakes." I knew God was there right beside me---actually holding me up-----As a side note, much later in one of our grief share study, each day it has a statement that says "to always remember this" and this day it fit perfectly. It said "The most important lesson you can learn in your grief is that God is sovereign. That means He is in control of everything-----nothing happens that is not filtered through His hand. God's ways are incomprehensible and far more glorious than you could imagine." When I think of the accident site---I always try to think of this statement. If I let satan get an inch here, it is not long before he can have a mile----then I find myself in real trouble. I just have to be Ok not knowing "why" God chose Taylor that night----but realize it really was no accident---there are not accidents with God. I just have to Trust God with it all. Back to that night, as i sat there, i wondered, as Tay was flying through the air---what was he thinking? Just one week earlier Brooke had a bad accident and totalled her SVU, but she said the one thing that struck her that she will never forget as she was losing control and flying all around, she said her mind was in very slow motion and she was very conscience of what was happening, and her thinking was very clear. She said, she kept thinking is this the way I am going to die as she seen the cement wall flying towards her at 60mph. As she told me this story the next day, I remember saying, be sure and tell Taylor that story, so she did a day or so later. Was there a purpose in Brooke having that accident just one week before and then telling Taylor her last thoughts before hitting the wall---remember no accidents with God----everything has a purpose. One of the kids said Taylor was mumbling something as he lay dying on that rock. Was he talking with Jesus???? As I sat there on that sunny summer day, I thought, just think a heavenly bean---probably an angel came down and said----Ok, Taylor it is time for you to come with me---I can just see a confused look on Tay's face, saying "what, where we going--did I die---naw--that can't be---Oh, no, mom is going to be so sad---she always told me this might happen." The angel probably smiled and said "Jesus will take care of your mom". Maybe the angel even left Tay stay hovering above his body long enough to see the ambulance come and take him away. Another side note---one friend did email me a while back and said she almost died having one of her kids and she had an out of body experience, just like I said---she was above the table watching her body being worked on. She said, she has never experience such unexplainable peace and she said even after just having her little boy, she did not want to come back---she wanted to go with the angel. So, Tay probably did not waste alot of time thinking about how sad I was going to be, he probably also felt this peace and had no desire to come back, even though in my human self, I wish him back at least a hundred times a day----but in my heart---I know he is where I want to be---like somebody said not long ago--we are not sad where they are at, we are just sad that we are here missing them---perfectly said. After spending a hour or two out at the site, i was ready to come home. I felt drained---I had just been where my son had died, my heart was achy, couldn't sob another tear----I tried to not dwell too long on how hard his head must have hit the rock---how his body was laying----that was all too painful. I do pray for the kids that were there that night and seen it all ---I am sure it is a scene not one of them will ever forget---one girl said in her memory of Taylor, she thinks of it every day. One last thing yet----somebody gave me this song--it also fits perfectly----is this God in action or what in how He provided just the right song, message, e-mail, phone call at the exact time I fee like I can't take another minute of this pain or loss. The song is "Rejoice in the Lord" I will not write it all, but just the parts God had jump out at me---"God never moves without purpose or plan when trying his servant and molding a man. Give thanks to the Lord though your testing seems long and hard. In darkness He giveth a song. I could not see through the shadows ahead, so I looked at the cross of my Savior instead. O rejoice in the Lord he makes no mistakes. He knoweth the end of each path that I take. For when I am tried and purified, I shall come forth as gold." I am trying to live each day as it could me my last, or the last for someone I love---I want to live each day with No Regrets, or the day I get to see Jesus face to face, then i of course will grab Taylor and say" what were you thinking that night---I told you to be careful and to wear your helmet every time you ride!!!" only kidding---actually, to give him the biggest bear hug and say we are finally home forever and ever.