Monday, January 25, 2010

Monday afternoon

How am I doing now that it is over five months that our lives have changed forever. Yes, it is much better than those first couple of months. That was such deep sorrow that it is even hard to explain how my heart could ached so badly every minute of every day. God has healed some of that and for that I am very thankful. I have noticed that the grieving is a little bit different. It use to be that I felt an extreme sadness--one almost unbearable to stand 24/7, but now it feels like I have moved from that terrible place at least a little bit. It seems it now hits in waves. I, of course, will never forget, but I can go along for a few days and function half way reasonable, then out of no where it will hit me like a wave coming in out of the ocean at high tide and knocking me flat. For example this week was a hard week---I asked myself why was this week any different than last week. It just seemed every where I looked I was reminded of Taylor. It seemed that my eyes were focusing on all the things that belonged to Taylor. A couple of days ago, I was down the basement and I have walked by them a hundred times but this day was different---There were laying his tennis shoes---it hit me so hard that I could feel this deep sob coming up from my chest. I picked them up and just held them in my hands. They were old one with holes in them--and all beat up. They were so old, but ones he always wore. I know I should just throw them away, but they are so him, and throwing them away in some strange way feels like I am throwing a piece of him away. I don't know, maybe that is what I should do--maybe that would be part of healing. I sometimes wish I just knew what the right thing was to do. I know a counselor would say---Oh, you will know when it is right, --well ,i don't feel I do know what would be healing---sometimes I just feel stuck in sadness that will never go away--- Some days it seems like I will have is one memory after another---one memory may be the last conversation I had with him before I went to Illinois for Dawn's wedding, or it might be on those horrible days of the funeral and viewing. It is like I can be walking along looking ahead and without seeing it a big hole will pop up in front of me and I will trip and fall head first right into it. It is never a small one, or very seldom small, it is usually a great big crater and I have to fight to get out. I have used the verse in 2 Cor: 1:3 alot. Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all Comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles". God has been my great Comforter. The closer I get to Him the more calm i find myself. I know God never moves away from me---it is me moving away from God. I wonder why would I ever do that----but it does happen. Probably on the days I do feel a little bit better---I am not hanging onto God as tightly, and pretty soon my grip is slipping from Jesus's hand and guess what i am falling into one of those craters. I just need to remember Exodus 14:13-14. "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and I will see the deliverance the Lord will bring me today. The Lord will fight for me, I need only to be still" What an Awesome God we serve--and all His promises He gives us---WOW, i am back to hanging on with both hands.
As I was telling Spencer the other day, think of God as being your very best friend. He will never leave you, never be late, never too busy, never just not interested in what you are asking or saying. He is always right beside you---get close to Him now because God has told us we will have troubles in this world, and who would be more comforting to go to in those times than your very Best Friend---Jesus. I told him a relationship with Jesus is very similar as to a relationship with your family and friends. If you never take an interest in being best friends, it will never happen just on its own---all relationships takes time, effort to make them very good----oh, but they are so worth every minute you put into them----especially the one with Jesus. Then I asked Spencer how he would feel if his girlfriend never called and when you called or texted her, she would say, Oh, I will talk to you later---I am just busy now----and it went three days and she still did not make any effort to talk with you----how would that make you feel and what would you think. He said, I would be sad, and i would think could you not take five minutes to talk with me---why are you so busy. ---and then pretty soon, he would not call her as much, because he would think she really does not care anymore, but his heart would be sad. I told him that is exactly how Jesus would feel is somebody acted in that way---showed no interest in the relationship. Jesus loves us more than we will ever comprehend this side of Heaven and He wants nothing more than a relationship with us on a daily basis.
If somebody would have asked me what was the one thing that helped me the most through this valley of grieving, I would have to say memorizing those verses that God spoken to me through. Ron told me to do this long ago, and I am very glad I took his advice. Those memorized verses were sometimes the only thing I was hanging on to get me through some very rough hours. God talked so clearly though those verses many times. It was almost like I was having a conversation with Him. They would help hold me up in times i thought for sure I was going to drown. In the middle of the night when I wake up and this terrible reality just keeps picking away at my heart, until I think I can not take another minute of this, these verses will put a hedge around my heart and start to move out those terrible thoughts of despair and loss, and bring in ones of hope, God's promises, God's Amazing Grace, and His Glory. Sometimes when I am driving down the road, our life of "new normal" is so hard to take---I find myself just crying out to God, i hate this "new normal" we have to live with--I want our "old normal" back---but know deep in my heart that is not possible here on earth,---so I know the only comfort i am going to get is to start praying these verses back to God, and sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly God will pick me up and hold me.
As We still have some very hard things to do yet, which I know are going to be gut wrenching---God will carry me through on His promises---He will probably give me more verses to be carried on. One of those really hard things is Taylor's 21st birthday on April 1st---yes, he was a April fools baby---and he lived up to that name----he was always one for playing little pranks on people. Pray for the Plummer's, because Nathan's birthday is the 30th of this month---and I am sure this is going to be a very hard day. He would have been nineteen---way too young to have died, but whether we like it or not, it was God's plan to take him home, just like He took Taylor. The other big one is needing to pick out his tombstone. The thought of that just makes my stomach churn. I keep thinking how will I ever be ready for that!! It will only be by the Grace of God that we will get that done. Like somebody said, it will be the last thing we ever buy for him. Then I think, just how will I feel when I drive up that long drive to cemetery and see the tombstone with "Gasser" written great big across it, with Taylor's pic on it. I could fall into another big crater just thinking about it, but must remember God only gives Grace for the day, and today is not the day that we are to pick it out. God is faithful, so He will be right beside us when that day comes. Please continue to pray for us, as we know God hears each and every prayer of His children. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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