Friday, January 15, 2010

Five Months Today.

As I sit here writing this, it is exactly five months ago today that I got that terrible phone call. We all have changed---we are not the same people, we have had to learn to live with a new normal---and I had to think just what does that look like. Just to name a few---there is always an empty place at the table, a bed is always empty, there is not snack papers laying all over the house, no work clothes laying on the floor in his bedroom, just an empty place in my heart, every holiday knowing somebody is missing, but on the flip side of that---my relationship with Jesus is so much deeper and personal, the outpouring of support and prayers from God's children is unbelievable. Just like today, I got a really nice card in the mail---amazing even after five months, we usually get at least one card a week. One of Taylor's friend's stopped by after school, just to see how we were doing. I have to say the compassion of people has really blown me away. Some of these people, I barely know, others have been friends for a long time. I met new people that I am developing a deep connection and friendship with. I am much more interested in building treasures in heaven, ones that will not burn. Spencer has given his heart to Jesus, so now we can all be reunited one day at the feet of Jesus.
About a month after Taylor's accident somebody told us to meet with a bereavement counselor, and gave us the name of a Hospice person. So, all of us went. The kids were not all that excited about going. Spencer kept saying all the way there, I sure hope I do not have to talk. We get there and walk in---we had to take a picture of Taylor---I am not sure why, but we did. We sat at a long table and the lady---I think her name was Barb sat across from us. At this point we were all pretty weepy yet, Kleenex boxes everywhere. I guess this room must have seen alot of grief. I did almost have to smile, because the first question Barb asked was "how are you feeling" and guess just who she looked at and asked, yep Spencer. He just sorta stuttered around, not knowing quite how to answer her. It was sorta interesting, she gave each of us a big white poster board and said to divide it in half and make one half our lives before the accident and the other half after the accident----we realized at this point everything in our lives now will be classified as before Taylor or after Taylor. Of course we all had "happy" pics before Taylor, but after we all had sorta different pic's---some were lonely, some crying, some with sad faces, some with empty spots like around the table, empty boots. Then we all got up and explained what each picture meant---it helped us to realize what each of us were feeling. What Spencer pointed out was rather interesting not one of us put a picture of anger on our poster's. I do have to say, each of us has had spells of anger, but as of now, none of us are stuck in anger. This is where the beginning of this blog got started. Barb had said, a good way to work through grief is through journeying. I thought, well, maybe, but I really do not like to write on paper, but sometime later, I thought maybe typing out my thoughts and feelings might be a good thing. I thought I would just write for my own purpose, but as I was setting up this blog and where it said I could either have it private, or let others read it----God again whispered in my ear---let it open for any to read----that was rather intimidating for me----because I am not one to usually tell how I am feeling, and especially for all the raw and painful feelings I was feeling. I am one to usually cover up my true feelings---I hardly ever if ever wear them on my sleeve. So, i decided that this was not going to be only my Blog, but mostly God's. I prayed His Name could be Glorified through this terrible tragedy just like it says in Rev 4:11 :You are worthy, our Lord and God to receive glory and honor and power."----. I pray every time I write that God will actually write it for me---what He wants me to say and then I usually pray when I am done and ready to send that God will take it to the people He wants to read it. So, if you are reading this, remember nothing is a coincidence, no mistake---God wanted you to be reading it----probably one reason hopefully you will remember to pray for us, so for me, it turned into a real blessing----alot of God's children have become prayer warriors for me---praying for us every single day----God knew we were going to need prayer and support and you all have done a great job---I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for each and every prayer, card, phone call, email you have sent. It is so true God's ways are so much different and bigger than ours.
As I sit here and think back over the last five months, there were times, I actually thought, will I make it through this---the pain was so overwhelming., and I quickly realized God was the only one going to get me through--because I was just too weak to survive by myself. For example, one day, I went out into the shed where Taylor's fourwheeler was all covered up, but I just had to look at it, so I pulled the cover off and just climbed upon the seat and just sat there. I put my hands on the handle bars and thought, this is the last thing Taylor touched. He had his racing stickers all over the bike----I thought just why did I never go and watch him race. He would have loved that, just why did i not go. I know why really---I was scared to watch, afraid he might get hurt----how ironic---scared he might get hurt. I learned a hard lessen here. If he was going to get hurt---he was going to get hurt whether i was there or not. I wish I would have went at least once. When that 4wheeler first came home after it was fixed, I thought I can not stand to look at it and wanted to get rid of it right away---now, when I look at it----I can just see him sitting on it and when I would talk with him, it was usually while he was washing it or fixing it---it seems that where ever this 4 wheeler was, Tay was not far behind. When I was out there in the garage, Jeff says there in that sack is Taylor's clothes he had on that night--the hospital gave them to me that night. As I stood there looking at that brown paper bag, did i want to look or did I not want that memory to deal with. Something inside of me wanted to look, to feel those clothes in my hands. I am not sure it was a good thing or not. There was his jeans---the ones I had washed many, many times cut down the middle---I guess that is how they took them off of him, his work boots, his socks, underwear. I just stood there holding them, by this time tears were running down my cheeks----again too much reality for my heart to take.

Going to the grocery store the first time after Taylor was much harder than I expected. I had not had to go for a pretty long time---people had brought alot of food, which was a huge relief for me, because I had little interest in eating, so I did little cooking. I was amazed how many people stopped and talked with me at the grocery store----some people do not know what to say, and just quickly say hi and move on, but I respect the ones that actually asked how are you "really" doing and mean what they were asking. I knew as I would tell my story and how I was doing, that they were going away praying for me----or at least I was hoping they were. I knew prayer was my life line to surviving. Usually people would say---"I am praying for you" or something to that effect, but i was rather impressed, one lady I was talking with for a while in one of the grocery aisle---she said instead---, "can i pray for you right now." She took my hands and prayed right then and there for me. Getting groceries that first time was much harder than I ever expected it to be. As I would be walking down the aisles getting my items, I would find myself putting stuff in my cart that Taylor wanted or liked. Then it would hit me---why are you buying that---Taylor is not here to eat it any more----it would hit me like a shock wave---and rock my body to the core---The first couple of times, i could not be in there very long until I just knew I had to get out and go home. Maybe because it is five months today, that so many memories keeps coming to mind. I know I will be healing probably for the rest of my life, but that is Ok, I will not be completely healed until I reach heaven.

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