It is Monday morning and I am here alone, well not alone---God is right here beside me. I am not going to lie, this was a hard week. I am trying to figure out why it seems to be getting harder instead of being a little bit easier. I do remember back when we were in grief share they said it takes six to nine months for the death to actually sink in---it has been six in a half months. Or Maybe it is because his 21st birthday is getting close---a month from yesterday. He loved his birthday's and was so looking forward to turning 21---I am not sure what he thought was going to happen when he turned 21, but we would hear him saying---just 10 more months and I will be 21----little did we all know, he would never see his 21st birthday. Sometimes, I wonder if maybe I should have waited to go back to school, until at least the first year was over. That has stresses all of it's own, and put that on top of the stresses of grieving, might be more than I am ready to handle.
Sometimes I can feel like I am all dressed up ready to go out into the cold and snow for a walk. As I look out and ready to leave, I see where I want to go and where my destination is--(which is to keep my complete focus on Jesus's face), but just not sure how to get there and stay there 24/7. I see one way is very icy and slippery, so I would have to be very careful and walk really slow. Then I look over and see there is a path less icy, some snow, and even some places where the ground is showing. So, I decide to take that path, thinking it is safer and probably quicker. I start out heading for my destination, but I can't keep my eyes on it, because I have to keep looking at my feet and where I am going to take the next step (which is looking at all my loses). I want to make sure I am stepping where there is the least amount of snow, and when possible clear ground. I send so much time looking at the ground that when I look up to check my destination, I find I am way off course. I didn't even realize that I took my attention off of my destination so often and now I am heading in a completely different direction (one of sadness and loneliness). As I am now completely off course, I stop and think just what happened that I ended up here, then I remembered there was a stick with sharp spikes in the bottom of it (which is God's helping hand) sitting right there in the garage by the door before I even left. I walked right pass it without even thinking. I am now thinking if only I would have grabbed that stick (God's helping hand), I would not be here now. I could have walked that icy path by using the stick with each step to keep my balance---it would have been me and God working together and the path would have been a lot closer to my destination, but that path was alot less traveled---most people took the this path thinking it was safer and more solid.---yes, the other path might be a little bit slower, but I would not have had to look at my feet (my losses), but instead I could have kept my focus on my destination (Jesus). Yes, I think these last couple of weeks, I at times have taken the path that was more traveled and looked safer---a real deception--my focus slipped to ---all that I will never see Taylor do or all that I miss about him. I got up Sunday morning feeling so sad and lonely, I begged God to please come and pick me up and help me back to the right path where I can feel His presence just like He is sitting beside me---I love and yearn for those feelings every day. As I sat down in the morning to spend time with God----I love the speed at which God will sometimes answer our prayers. He had me open to ISA: 45:3 which says :I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord the God of Israel, who summons you by NAME. Wow! God is summonsing me by name. So, I thought, treasures in the darkness---and stored in secret places, I don't know what God has in store for today, but it sure sounds great. We got ready and went to church, my heart is still very sad, but knew God was right there beside me--He would carry me through this dark cloud. As we stood to sing----this has never happened to me before, but tears just ran down my cheeks right there in church. The choir was singing, it sounded just like music from heaven--God speaking straight to my heart---the song was "When We all Get to Heaven" I am going to write 2 verses they fit so perfectly. "While we walk the pilgrim pathway, Clouds will overspread the sky; But when traveling days are over, Not a shadow, not a sigh. V. 4 Onward to the prize before us! Soon His beauty we'll behold; Soon the pearly gates will open, We shall tread the streets of gold.---When we all get to heaven, What a day of rejoicing that will be! When we all see Jesus, We'll sing and shout the victory. " I thought, Oh, God I am so ready for this--but it is a promise and if not today, someday this will all be true!!!! I could feel God lifting my sadness from my heart and in exchanged giving me His Comfort. As I was trying to recover from this song----wiping the tears from my face, they sing the second song---"Sweet by and by" I will just write one verse, but fits so well with the other song. V 2 "We shall sing on that beautiful shore, the melodious songs of the blest. And our spirit shall sorrow no more, not a sigh for the blessing of rest. In sweet by and by We shall meet on that beautiful shore, In that sweet by and by We shall meet on that beautiful shore!!!." Now I am almost to the point of openly sobbing---God is telling me---yes, this is hard, keep focused, but some day, we will all meet on those beautiful shores of heaven and then walk on those streets paved with pure gold---Yes, the trials of this world can be really tough, but it will all be worth it. But God was not done yet---that night we went to our bible study on Heaven----and guess what-----God had us sing those two exact songs again-----He wanted to make sure I got the message and I tucked it deeply into my heart not to be forgotten, but to go back to on days when I feel I am again losing focus. God is ever faithful---He wants me to remember He has a place all ready for me---just not yet, but live every day like it could be that day----take my walking stick (Jesus's hand) every single day and take it every where I go. I can't do this alone, I will crumble and fall every time. Then when I got home, i opened my email and God touched my heart in an even deeper way. In this email another person was searching for God because of Taylor's death----they seen a part of God in all of this and liked it --God's power and Amazing Grace is shining through and they wanted to know more. Also in an email somebody made a comment that stopped me in my tracks---something that I have lost track of, so lost in my own misery. I know it was God talking through this person---they said---Think about how Tay must be feeling right now, and what he is doing. I know he would not want you to be thinking of him in tears-----thank you for that comment---interesting-- because this morning God gave me Psalm 101: 6 which says "My eyes will be on the faithful in the land, that they may dwell with me: he whose walk is blameless will minister to me"---I thought Ok, God what are You trying to tell me--so I looked at the study guide part of my bible and guess what it said---just what God is trying to do all the time---it said-Suffering silently is neither Christian nor particularly healthy. Instead accept graciously the support and help from family and friends. So I know without a shallow of a doubt God was talking through this person in the e-mail----And yes, i know deep in my heart Tay would not want us to spend all this time in tears and terrible sadness---in fact he was the type of kid that hated any of us to be sad---he would always try to cheer us up if he thought we were sad. Once when I was talking with him, I had just tears in my eyes, not even crying and he looked at me and said in a very soft sweet voice " oh, mom please don't cry, it will be OK". I have to say all my family and friends have been great in encouraging me. It can come in way---sometimes e-mails, phone calls, letters, or just being there silently when I needed you.
I want to do one more thing. One of Tay's friends set up a face book page in his memory. I know alot of you probably already see it, but if not here is the address--just search it on face book, "In loving memory of Taylor Gasser" I am honored that all these kids will take the time and effort to do things in his memory---Almost every time I go to the accident site, there is something new there. I went right after a big snow, and somebody already had taken the time and went and cleared all the snow away from the crosses and the other stuff that is there, and even put a little red heart there for Valentine's day. I hope and pray that each one of his friends have found a special place in their hearts for Jesus to dwell and some day like the song said we will meet on those beautiful shores and what a day of rejoicing that will be!!!. I know some of you seen this poem that Brittany wrote in Tay's memory on that face book page, but for those that didn't, I want post it---Thank you Brittany--it is so Tay.
An Angel In Disguise
On April 1st you were born without wings,
And August 16th you became my blessing.
All through school no one would have guessed,
That you would be the first in our class laid to rest.
God blessed you with the most perfect smile of all,
When I think about it now, I have to wipe away tears that starts to fall.
High school we shared many memories in track,
Now I would give anything in the world just to have those days back.
Tractor pulls and racing four wheelers was what you loved to do,
So, God called number "614" and that, Taylor, was you.
I believe God had a plan and it was you that he took,
Besides friends missing you terribly, so are your Mom, Dad, Spencer, and Brooke.
I know you can't come to us; we must go to you,
With that in mind living my life for Jesus Christ is just what i'll do.
(And I owe thanks to you)
For all this time God was the only one, who knew,
that an Angel was among us.....that angel was you.
Gone up to Heaven you surely did rise,
Because all along you, Taylor....were an Angel in Disguise
In loving Memory of Taylor J. Gasser
Please continue to pray for us as satan every day tried to take our peace we have in Jesus. Satan wants us to be discouraged, sad, and be focused on ourselves and all the loses, but with Jesus at our side, we can think-- just like that person said---what are you doing today, Taylor, and wipe the tears away and think that glorious day is coming----everybody grab Jesus and hang on tightly until then----which it could be even today, or perhaps tomorrow.