It is seven months today!! Sometimes I just try to stop and think where am i on this journey of grief---am i moving forward, standing still, or moving backwards. I have come to the conclusion I can find myself in all those places and sometimes all in the same day. I can find myself moving forward when like Beth Moore said in her Daniel study---"Beating Great odds is God's specialty. That is one way He can prove to me that He can do the impossible---Don't accept defeat---Persevere, believing God's promises. Ask Him to fight for you and to show Himself Mighty." Some days, I can feel that---I am hanging onto God with both hands even when satan is pulling at my shirt tails as hard as he possibly can---but in my heart---I know am persevering even to the point of tears running down my cheeks. I can talk to God and feel His presence just like talking to a very good friend--I can feel my heart is sitting right in the middle of His Hands. On those types of days, I think, maybe, just maybe I am inching my way to recovery. Then on other days, I think, I have not made much progress since Christmas. The months and weeks before Christmas, I found myself in such deep valleys, I was not sure I would survive, but each minute did seem to pass and I was still breathing. I dreaded those holidays with a passion, knowing Taylor's absent would be so keenly felt. I was so thankful, God did know my every need, even before I did and helped me through each one. As January rolled around, i was just so thankful the holidays were over and maybe life could return to half normal----oh, who am I kidding, life will never be normal again. January did seem to bring not as many deep valleys, but some days I can feel I am stuck in the same place I was in January. I guess I am trying to say, time is not making this any easier. It feels like I am stuck in the middle of this terrible storm and can't get out. The wind is constantly blowing, pouring rain, it is just an effort to walk, because every step I take, the wind is pushing me back and the rain is pounding in my face and all i can think about is what would it feel like to have the warm sun shine in my face with a little soft warm breeze on my back. Sometimes I wish I could just lay all this sorrow and grief down and pick up happiness and the feeling of being carefree. I wonder, do I even remember what that feeling was like? But something that Randy said the other Sunday sticks in my mind. He said "complaining is like saying God did not do it right, I can not trust God to get it right, so instead of complaining we should say---God, I don't understand why or what You are doing, but I am going to trust You. I know You know what is best for me." I thought, if I can keep that mind set, satan will not be able to pull me over the edge so often, but easier said than done. I do believe in my heart of hearts that God did do what was best for me and for Taylor, because unlike me, He can see the whole picture, and no, I may not understand it and definitely not like it, so all I can do is trust Him in the deepest part of my heart. I have to say all His faithfulness, Grace, Comfort and Mercy has made my trust grow deeper in Him. God also knows I have another huge milestone to get through in the next couple of weeks. I am not going to lie, it is going to be a tough one, probably in some ways harder than Christmas. In some ways, this grieving has become harder because like the grief share classes told us, as time goes on, each of you will grieve in different way and at different speeds, and that is exactly what is happening. When it first happened, we were all on the same page---knocked completely flat and there was nowhere to go except up. As months go by, we are at different levels of grieving, and each are dealing with their own grief in a different way. I have found out, you do not really go through grieving as a family, it is more between you and God. Today in my time with God, I decided to go back and read some of my grief devotions and the one God showed me answered my question that I started this blog with. It started out by saying " Do not be discouraged if it feels as though you are going backwards at times---sometimes forward, sometimes backward. This is the natural process of grieving." As I read through the rest of that devotion, I realized it fit me exactly---Was I surprised God was right there meeting my need at that very moment, not really, that is His speciality--faithfulness---
We are trying to decided how we want to remember Taylor on his 21st birthday. We are thinking of meeting at the cemetery with his friends and family and in memory of Taylor letting off balloons, putting flowers on his grave, or just standing there remembering Taylor as a son, as a brother, as a friend, as a cousin, or as a nephew-- remember what was and also what is to come---we will see him again. I think after we leave the cemetery we will all get together for a little while and try to smile at all the crazy and funny memories we all have of him. I know no matter where I am or who I am with, it will be a very sad day---- I will be remembering the day he was born, like I do every birthday of each of my kids. Remembering the excitement of a new baby, for many years on the birthday's of each one of my kids, they would want me to go through the details of the day they were born. I must remember God has been so very faithful on this journey of grief, there is no reason why He will not carry me through that day too. His Grace will carry me through! Yes, our hearts will be breaking when we are out at the cemetery letting off those balloon, but another part of my heart will be thinking about Taylor spending his first birthday, a special birthday, his 21st birthday at our Master's feet. The sun is shining on his face. If only I can keep that in my mind on that day and every day.