Again, it is a quite Monday morning---all in school or work. Part of me loves this time---it is a time I can spend with just me and God--alone together, but another part is not all that crazy about being here in the house all by myself---my mind wants to keep going back to memories. I know memories can be good and they are all I have of Taylor, but they can be so extremely painful. It was eight months on Friday. It seems so very long since I have seen him, talked with him, gave him a hug all very painful thoughts, but I can also think----Just what are you doing today, Taylor---Are you walking, and talking with Jesus right now, what are the streets of gold like to walk on---what is it like to finally see through the glass clearly, and no longer have to just imagine what heaven is like? What is it like to worship our Lord in person? I miss you so much--do you miss us even half as much as we miss you---oh, i know you don't, because that would bring pain, and Jesus told us there will be no more tears, and pain in heaven--no more good-bye's. Just know, I am looking forward to the day that i can give you a big hug again and we can talk with Jesus together---walk the streets of gold, and sit under the Tree of Life, put our feet into the river--let the warm breeze blow in our faces, no more stress, heartaches, or tears. Oh, what a day of rejoicing that will be.
I had to think, grief is like a storm---or I guess, I should say more like a tornado, it can be upon you so quickly, leave terrible devastation within a matter of seconds---one minute everything feels "normal" and the next you look around and see your life is in shattered pieces laying at your feet. Since tornado's like grief will not hit everybody around you, it just touches down in spots, so it can make you feel very much alone, unless you have been hit by this tornado, you really can't relate, or maybe you can relate to some degree, but really only imagine what it might feel like to have your life shattered so quickly. Where do you start to even pick up all the shattered piece? You know there is no way it is possible, so you just sit in the middle of it all and pleaded for help from God. God becomes your compass. I am completely directionally challenged---the only way I know east from west is the way the sun moves----north and south---since there is no sun to direct that---I am clueless. We have a vehicle with a compass built into it and the other day I was going somewhere that I knew or thought I knew just how to get there. i knew it was west and south. The thing I was not expecting was all the closed roads, which I thought I still could find it. Some time later, I happened to glance at the compass and noticed it said I was going east. I thought that was strange, but thought maybe the compass was not working right, because not once did I feel like I made any turns that had me go in completely the wrong direction---but since I realized I am so challenged with directions, i thought maybe, just maybe the compass was right and made some turns to start going west again----guess who was right--me or the compass??? Anyway, it made me think----all the closed roads are the troubles, trials that God allows into my life--they detour us--they take us down roads we had no intentions or planning on traveling----they are all for a reason---just like the closed roads were for a reason--maybe fixing a bridge, or something like that---but I could not see the reason, only had to believe it was impassible---but I was not keeping my eye on the compass because I thought I knew the next best road to take----but in all reality I was getting more lost and off course. Just like when I take my eyes off Jesus---I lose focus,--I am getting more depressed, feeling sorry for myself---ya know---why our family---why Taylor----I just want it all back to the way it was before Aug. 16th. But until I focused on that compass and got my vehicle going in the right direction----I was getting more frustrated by the minute, but as soon as I started heading the right direction, everything started to fall into place, and the frustration left---same as when I get my eyes back focused on Jesus----I start to feel His peace again and know I am not alone---He is right there beside me being my compass which will lead me safely home.
After the weekend with the kids here, and quite time is in small quantity (which I am not complaining, I love it), as I sat down with Jesus today, I prayed please show me what You want me to see and Know about you today----I opened to Nehemiah and the first thing I seen was 1:5-"O God of heaven, the great and awesome God------vs 6 let your ear be attentive and your eyes open to hear the prayer your servant is praying before you day and night."i thought, yes that is exactly my prayer---God went on to show me in the "In Touch" devotional that pursuing Jesus with a passion requires sacrifice and we often learn to really know Him through suffering. Yes, salvation is a free gift that Jesus gave us because of His great love for us, but intimacy with God is often a costly process, but the rewards are invaluable and we get to take them to heaven with us---they are eternal. Can I remember this on really bad days???? The pain is so deep and hurts so much, but God does nothing without a reason----even if I can't understand it now, I just have to believe and trust----yes, some days easier said than done----on those days, I am looking frantically for my compass (Jesus)---I know He will bring peace and comfort back into my soul. I wish I could say once I crawl back into Jesus's arms, I would stay there, but I don't---. Yes, I have gotten to Know Jesus on a completely different level----like Paul says in Phil 3:9 "Righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. 10 I want to know Christ and the power of His Resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death." So what was God opening my eyes to today?--Each time we go through trials and suffering, God is bring us closer to Him and refining us. We are developing a deeper more personal relationship with Him. I sat here and thought if God gave me the choice to go back to the way it was before Aug 16 and not have the relationship I have developed with Him that came from all the pain of losing Taylor, ----or would I stay where God has brought me thus far----and all the pain and suffering that came from losing Taylor???? I am going to be real honest---I really don't know----the pain is still very deep and the wound is still bleeding most of the time and some days I want nothing more than to have Taylor back with us. On other days, I can feel, or sometimes I just have to remember what it felt like to be carried in the arms of Jesus---when He spoke so clearly to my spirit---when He became my Great Comforter---just like He was standing in my kitchen---His Grace was so clearly being given----it was like I was walking hand and hand with Him. So, some days, I would say with a very shaky "yes", i will stay where God has brought me, but other days, I am not so sure. The one thing I am absolutely sure of, is the day I can lay the armor down here on earth and step over into eternity with Jesus and Taylor, I will know without a shallow of a doubt it was all worth it, even though all the pain and suffering.