Monday, April 12, 2010


Spring break is over and all back to school. Brooke was in CA for a week, Spencer, Diane and I were out to see mom and dad. Warren and Dawn came home also. That is the first time we were all together at mom's since that fateful night. Just being in the house where it all began, has moments of terrible sadness, but over all it was a nice trip. I met Shirley for coffee one morning who's daughter-in-law had died three years ago and also her grandson died 3 1/2 years ago. Lisa (the daughter-in-law) had an illness and also wrote a blog. I remember reading her blog almost from the first day she wrote. I remember thinking this is such a sad story---she was so young, married had a little boy, but he also got an illness and died when he was six months old. But in all the sadness, i seen such love for Jesus in Lisa's life, and even though she was so young, and knew there where many many prayers going up for her very single day for healing, she would end each blog with "His Will be Done". It left such an impact on my heart, because almost anyone that young and so much to live for, would have prayed straight for healing, and yes, she wanted healing, but more than that she wanted God's Will to be Done----she knew His plan was perfect and He makes no mistakes, even if it meant her dying and leaving her young husband and family. She had faith that God would take care of them. She left footprints on my heart as I am sure she did many others with her testimony of faith. After talking with Shirley, I realized the pain will always be there---is it any less---I really don't think so---you try to learn to live with it. There will always be that big whole where they are suppose to be. Like she said the little boy would have been five and starting school next fall. She didn't say, but I can bet she looks at other little boys that age and thinks that is how old he would have been, and wonders what would he have been like, who would have been his friends. Not only is she hurting in losing two very special people in her life, but also hurting for her son which is dealing with two of the biggest loses in life. God is the only one that can bring the comfort that will help us get through each day of such tragedy.
I am realizing that there is not going to be any "magic" healing after I have experienced all the "first" milestones. Sometimes I can really get down thinking, is it always going to be like this? Will I ever get through it. I try to think but I can't remember what it felt like to have a "carefree" heart and not feel like I am carrying a hundred pound weigh around my neck every day. Just what would it feel like to go back to before August 15th even for one day. I thought it was interesting, well actually, I am sure it was God, but I was reading this morning in the 'In Touch Magazine" and they interviewed Stephen Curtis Chapman about the death of his daughter. Reading this makes me realize even more that it will never be easy, but God is going to get me through, He will be faithful to all of His promises. It has been 18 months for Curtis, and yes, there is healing, but the pain is still very deep a lot of the time. I can relate exactly to some of the things he says, He can pray and sing "God, I bless your name. You give; You take away. Blessed by the name of the Lord", "but then some days cry out Lord, I am breathing my last breath. I don't have any more strength to go on. I am going to be overtaken by this grief. This is going to destroy me. God, if You don't show up in some way soon, I don't know what it's going to look like. Also he says, the waves of grief hit like waves of an ocean when we least expect and knock us flat on our backs again. The reality is, we are not ever going to be out of the woods of grief until Jesus comes and takes us home. " Sometimes when I read about other people's journey of grief and see that yes, there is healing, but your heart will always be missing some very vital pieces---I wonder will I make it, or is it possible to die of a broken heart. Then I have to think God has given us the hope that I am going to see Taylor again. We all need hope to survive not matter what the circumstances. We probably really do not understand how important it is until we are desperate for it. I do believe that the more desperate i become for God the more He will reveal Himself to me. For what ever reason, God has chosen our family to carry this burden----but He does not only want us to carry it, He wants us to Glorify His Name in doing so. Yes, some days that is so hard, all I want to do is feel sorry for myself and say, I want it all back to the way it was---and God is saying---just hang on I will bring you through this, I am walking right along with you, and when you think you can't walk anymore, I will carry you. Remember I am the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, all is in my Hands-----Yes, I am sad today---but that is OK, I will just do like it says in Psalm 91:4---I will climb under God's wings--- "God will cover me with His feathers, and under His wings I will find refuge. His faithfulness will be my shield."

1 comment:

  1. Deb,

    I hope our visit wasn't discouraging to you! Sometimes it doesn't hurt as much as at other times though and I think that the times of not hurting so much are definitely more than the overwhelming grief, but like you said, there will always be a hole. Thankfully we have that hope of seeing Taylor, Lisa & Micah again! What a day that will be when we can see them again but also our Lord and Savior and we know why this had to be but then it won't matter any more.

    You're right though that I do watch other boys that age and think "that's what Micah would be doing now." It is hard to not be able to make my son "all better" like I could do with a hug and kiss when he was a little boy. My heart aches for your Mom & Dad too because I'm sure they feel this same way for you. It is so hard watching our children hurt and not being able to do anything.

    Thankful for His Grace. Where would we be without that? Still praying for you.