I wish I could say I was in a better place today, but I feel just about like the weather--rainy and dreary. In a book I am reading it says "you never get over grief; you get use to it" I am thinking will I ever get "use" to it. How will that feel?? I know we should be getting a tombstone for Taylor, but that turned out to be much harder than I thought. Diane and i went Friday ( a beautiful sunny day) over to Creston cemetery to see if there were any we liked. We did find one that would "fit" Taylor----we took pic's of several to show Jeff and the kids. We even decided what and how we wanted it engraved. I could not help but keep thinking, we should not be doing this---I should not be here trying to decided this---this is something you do for your parents, not for your kids. Anyway, we took the company name of some of these stones so we could come home and look them up on line. We went to Diane's and did just that. I was not ready for what that looked like. Their showroom was filled with tombstones---I guess you walk around and pick out what you like----it reminded so much of the day we were in at Gillman's walking around picking out his casket----all those memories came flooding back----We never made any calls to the place, I realized it was going to be much harder to actually go do this than I ever thought. I know this is crazy, but it just makes it all so very final. The very last thing I will ever buy for Taylor. On the way home, I went out to the cemetery and just stood by his grave trying to visualize what that tombstone was going to look like, I crumbled into tears thinking this isn't right---this is not the way it is suppose to be---I came home and just put the camera away with the pics on it, thinking I can't do this right now. I didn't show any of them the pics, but did tell them where I was and what I had done---they must not be ready either, not a one asked to see the pics.
Saturday evening I was here by myself, and heard the emergency squad siren, and now especially since Taylor, i always say a little prayer for whoever is in need of help. Never did I think it was right down the road from us and it was one of Taylor's very good friends. When I seen his car, it was quite obvious that God had His protective angels around him. He walked away without a scratch. The way the car looked, he could have very easily been killed. I have to admit, I felt my first pang of real anger at God---I wanted to scream---where were Taylor's protective angels that night, You could have so very easily thrown Taylor up on the bank like the other kid, why did he have to land on that rock.
Ok, yes, this has been a tough weekend, but God will lift me up again. He has been so faithful, He will not let me alone, even if I don't feel Him right beside me---I know He is there anyway. I do know in my heart---Taylor's work was finished---God knows what He is doing--remember no mistakes with God-- knowing that is a comfort, but have to say it does not make it hurt any less. I was listening to Chip Imgram and what he said is so very true, but sometimes so very hard to do. Joy is focusing on God and what you can't see which are eternal, instead of focusing on circumstances and what you can see, which are earthly. I know God is always Good and I will choose to worship Him even in the times of great hurt. God will meet me right where I am, just like He knew where my heart was yesterday in church. What does He have us sing---How Great Thou Art. That was a song sang at Taylor's funeral---ya, i cried all the way through---but God was saying I know you are hurting, but I am right here beside you. I will admit this is a hard journey, but God has chosen to put me here, I just pray that His Name can be Glorified and He will keep me from drowning. Some days like today, I feel I am under water gasping for air and choking for each breathe, but know that God will not let me drown. He has given me a life Jacket--Jesus to hang on to.