I found today that your heart can be breaking into a million pieces, but yet it can also be singing a song of joy all at the same time.
Today was a hard day for me. As I was getting out of bed, I could feel that heavy weight being put around my neck. My chest just ached. I haven't had to wear it lately, or I guess i should say it has not been as heavy, but today was different---I thought, why is today any different than yesterday. I didn't know, that is just the way grieving is---one day can be half good and then the next can be devastatingly sad. I went with Diane to do a little Christmas shopping. I had a sad feeling--my heart was aching, but not overwhelming. I came home and thought I would go out to the cemetery and take back the poinsettia's that I brought home when it was that terrible wind storm a week or so ago. As i was driving up that loooong lane to the cemetery, i felt my chest starting to bubble up with this terrible feeling of unspeakable sorrow. As I drove around that curve and seen his grave, I simply lost it, and took to sobbing. I could not help but say---Oh, Tay Merry Christmas---yes, i know it is Christmas every day in Heaven, but I couldn't help but want him home for Christmas sitting on the couch like all the years's before. I just sat there a bit trying to get control, just so I could climb out of the car and go over to this grave and put the poinsettias back. When i got closer I saw what took my heart away. This time I just leaned over and sobbed. Somebody, one of Tay's friends were out there once again to visit him, and this time they put a laminated poem of "Christmas in Heaven". Even as I write this and re-read that poem, tears are running down my cheeks, so if I miss spell any words, that is because i can't see them very well right at the moment :). I am going to post this poem and tell me that it doesn't make you cry. I was sobbing so hard by now, that I could barely stand up out by his grave. I was pretty glad I was out there by myself.
CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
with tiny lights like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year
I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here
I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, MOM
You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year
I sent you each a special gift
I think what hit me so hard, is I can just hear Tay saying a lot of those same words--like Please, Mom, wipe away your tears, I know you miss me, I know your heart aches for me,but I really am not that far away, Hey mom, be happy for me because I am spending Christmas with the One you love too, Jesus. I just kept reading it over and over, because some of it sounded so much like Tay, it was almost like I was talking with him-----Oh, Tay, how can I wipe the tears away, and Oh, how I wish I knew how to make my heart quit aching so much today, but yes I am not happy, but at peace that if you can't be with me, you are with Jesus. I went back and got into the car and I just sat there, and finally, I just asked God, Where are You today, I don't feel You today---I feel so alone---my heart is breaking and I don't feel you, so where do You think that leaves me, You know I can't hardly breathe on my own,----I need you right now---but God was silent. I finally just drove slowly back out of the cemetery----but I could barely drive---good thing the road was mostly empty, because tears were blinding me. I thought, I will go to the rec center and work out and run on the treadmill---any physical pain would be much better than this pain. So, I finally get to the rec center---I don't think I looked too well walking in there, the guy just said Hi, and never said another word---I got on the treadmill and just ran----but found out running, and crying don't go together very well. It was hard to run, cry, blow my nose, and breathe all at once---I almost hyperventilated a couple of time----Yes, I was in there by myself, or I am sure they would have taken me off the threadmill, gave me a bag to breathe in, and found a cot for me to lay down on---but no, I decided to run until I could feel better. I was listening to a sermon and I kept asking God where are You---sure enough He came to my rescue they sang the song, "Come unto Me"which is when God spoke to me --and it was just what I needed--it goes "Come unto Me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest Take My yoke upon you and I will give you rest--SWEET REST--For My yoke is easy and My burden is light" No, I did not write it all--because these were the words that God had me hear, I really did not hear the rest of the song and a calmness did start to come over me. By the time I left there, I was feeling some better, but this is a day I will be glad to take that heavy weight off from around my neck and lay it down and pray God let's me rest tomorrow and not have to wear it again. I realize it is getting closer to Christmas and each day is getter harder and harder---Taylor's absent is felt more strongly if that is even possible. Just like wrapping presents, I am very much aware that there are none for Taylor. As I am shopping, I will find myself thinking Oh, Tay would like that----Oh, but he is not here. We just got the update for the church directory, and it was just a shot of pain in my heart when I seen that Tay's name is no longer listed. We got the Christmas program book from last Sunday night and there is taylor's name under the listings of funeral's. What a pain straight through my heart---Just how many blows can you take until you can't get up again----Ok, I realize and know today was a very bad day and pray with all my heart that God will carry me tomorrow.
After reading that, I know anyone would be thinking, how could I even have a fraction of my heart rejoicing, it sounds like it has been broken into a million pieces, but yes there is reason to rejoice. I have always talked with all my kids about Jesus and said many many prayers about each and every one of their salvation's. After Taylor, I prayed so hard for Spencer. I know he loved Jesus and I would see him praying, but never quit gave his whole heart to Jesus. I just prayed---Please Jesus work in Spencer's heart and give him such a great desire that he wants to be one of Your children that he just has to call out to You. I would tell my kids what Jesus was doing in my life, and then I sometimes would ask them what He was doing in theirs. Sometimes I would get answers and sometimes, they would just shrug their shoulders. But after Taylor's accident and we all seen how quickly life was taken, i talked more and more with Spencer. The other night, he and I were going out Christmas shopping, and I always enjoy going with one kid by themselves, because it gives me a change to really ask deep personal questions. I am pretty close to them, and can talk almost about anything with them. So as we are driving to the mall, I said, Spenc, i have a question for you---If we would get into an accident and get killed tonight, do you feel you would go to heaven. He didn't say anything for a second or two, but then said Yes, I do believe I would. I knew he loved Jesus but never had proclaim that he had taken Jesus into his heart, so I said, why do you say that. He looked at me and said, "well I had a dream the other night and dad, Fred, and I were in a building helping dad get ready for a sale and all of sudden we heard a real loud noise and dad decided to go outside and see what it was---I stayed inside with Fred. All of sudden, Dad starts to scream---I ran outside as fast as I could and as I took two steps outside I knew that it was then end of the world and I was left behind." He said he woke up in a cold sweat and was so scared he could have started to shake. He said right then, He asked Jesus into his heart and said he wanted to go to Heaven with Jesus. He looked at the clock and it was 3:00 a.m." I looked at him and said do you realize that at that exact minute the angels were rejoicing in heaven---just as it says in Luke 15:10---I tell you there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." Yes, i know this is just a beginning, but I just asked him today, do you feel different and he said, the Holy Spirit is working!!!. As we talked that night, I said, I know Tay saw that, and even though Tay is not crazy about dancing, i am sure he gave a little dance. I told Spencer I could just see Tay, he would always make a fist and pump his arm in the air when he was extremely happy about something---like the day he graduated from high school---right after he got his diploma, he gave a little pump---the night of his senior prom walking across that platform--he gave alittle pump. I could just hear Tay say---Oh, Spenc---way to go dude---and then he would say--remember how mom use to tell us about heaven and Jesus---well, she did not even come close to describing how beautiful heaven is and remember how she wanted us to know Jesus as our best friend---there is nothing better than that. Then Taylor gave that great big grin and said---our family circle is broken on earth, but it will not be broken in heaven---see ya soon!!!! Spenc has given his heart to Jesus, and i am more than happy to mentor him. He has not yet decided what church will be called his home church, but the church does not save him---we all know the blood of Jesus Christ and His Amazing Grace is the saving power---but he will decided in the future--or I should say, God will direct him where He wants Spencer to go. So, yes, there is great joy in my heart that Spencer is now a child of the King. I had to think as I have been praying the praise of Daniel 2:23 as part of my bible study, which says "I thank & praise You O, God of my Father. You have given me wisdom and power. You have made Know to me what I have asked of You" Jesus did exactly as that promised said---Prayer is powerful---I always knew that, but I am seeing that more and more each and every day---
I want to thank you all for the cards, e-mails, and most importantly prayers you have said on our behalf now and in the future. I want to thank who ever put that poem out at the grave site. It always touches my heart to see even though this is a busy time of season,his friends have not forgotten him, not even for a minute. I continue to pray for his friends----the day will come when we will all be dancing on those streets of gold.