Tomorrow will be four months that Taylor had his accident. Sometimes it feels like I am stuck in time, and other times, I will think where did October and November go. I can not remember what it felt like to be happy and care-free, but deep in my heart there is joy. Yes, there is also great sorrow and sadness--but happiness or sadness comes from circumstances, and that is just for a season, but true joy comes from Jesus, knowing Him and having a relationship with Him and that is not a season, but for all eternity. December is a tough month, but I don't have to remind God of that. I truly believe without a shallow of a doubt the verse Phil 4:19 which says "My God will meet all of my needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. He knew I needed a boost of encouragement the last week or so. Our Grief Sharing group is almost over, which we have grown to love, so there is going to be a hole left. Last week, in our group,they proceeded to tell us starting in January they are doing a big study on Heaven. Now, how can that not be encouraging---learn more about where Taylor is waiting for us. But I guess God thought I still needed a little more encouragement, so He made it possible to go Saturday to Chris and Loren's to hear Robert Rogers speak. I heard his story on WCRF a while ago, so knew it was going to be very emotional. Diane, Brooke and I went. If you don't know him, I will explain briefly his story. It was six years ago in August that he, his wife and four kids were on their way home from Kansas after a Wedding. They got into a terrible storm and it was raining unbelievably hard, could not see two feet in front of them. The road they were on started to flood, so he said we have to get out of this van. By this time the van was pushed over to the cement wall ,stalled and filling up with water. He broke a window to get out, but when he did that the force of the water yanked him, his wife and one daughter right out of the van. The other three kids were in car seats, so they stayed in the van. It was dark, so he could not see much of anything around him, but found himself on some bank. He could not find anybody else. They took him to the hospital, and alittle while later the police come into his room and told him they found his van and all three kids were still in their car seats, but were all dead. He said, he had to go down to the hospital morgue and identify his three darling kids. I sat there thinking, what it was like when I had to go into Gillman's the first time to see Taylor---I remember how gut wrenching that was, I can't in my worst nightmare imagine what it would be like to have to see three of your kids laying there. I remembered how many people told me--I can't imagine what you are going through----it hit me---yes it was horrible, my very worst nightmare, but God never takes us through a fire no matter how small or how big it might be without going with us and giving us Grace for whatever He puts us through----He will give us just the right amount---never too much, or too little. Back to this Robert---he said later that night they came back into his room and said we found your other daughter, she also is dead. Then two or three days later they tell him they found his wife and she was dead as well. He lost his entire family in a matter of minutes----one would think how could you keep from losing your mind in pools of grieve, or withering up in a fetal position with depression, or carry such bitterness in your heart, that you could hardly breathe. He did none of those. I got such encouragement from him. He made a statement that I keep thinking on. First though, he also sings and plays the piano. He said the day after the funeral , he sang a song in his church---He said he was determined to not let satan steal his joy. WOW, I could not even listen to songs right after the funeral, let alone sing one----he said the one thing that helped him heal the most was taking his attention off of himself and serving others. I was thinking, just how could he possibly do that, I was thinking of nothing but all my loses and he had four times my loses, He was determined to serve Jesus in spite of his intense mourning. He made a CD while in the misted of his grieving, so alot of the songs are about Heaven or dedicated to his kids. The songs really tore at my heart---they were so much of what I was feeling. Like one said, What is it like to be dancing on the streets of Heaven. What is it like to see Jesus face to face. Taylor was never big on dancing :), but I can certainly see him walking and jumping, maybe even doing a little skipping on those streets, and I would have loved to have seen Tay's face light up when he saw Jesus for the first time. Then the last song, really hit home. He said that first Christmas when he was all alone, he recorded this song. The theme to the song was, IT IS CHRISTMAS EVERY DAY IN HEAVEN. As I sat there, I thought, maybe if I can keep this thought in mind, Christmas may not be quite as sad without Tay. He is having Christmas every day----what a place to be. Robert gave me another thought to think on, each morning to pray "how can i glorify Your Name today, How can Your light best shine through me in my darkest hour". That definitely would keep my focus on Jesus's loving eyes all day. I am sure Robert has times of great sorrow, but any human without Jesus in their life and strong relationship with Him, could never have survived such tragedy, but the sun is definitely shining in his life again. God knew what He was doing when he picked Robert to go through this terrible season of life, because he was willing to quite his engineering job and travel with is new wife and two small kids to speak and tell his story of how God brought him through. It probably is not easy to relive that horror over and over--- I am sure there still is pain and sadness--it has only been six years. He was a type of person where you just felt Jesus overflowing through him. God blessed me this weekend by hearing him speak----it was a great encouragement.
We went to our grief sharing class tonight, and found great comfort there also---yes, there is alot of pain and sadness in that room, but we have formed some great friendships with people that we would never have met. We all are in the misted of grieving---God is taking us through the fire to refine our faith. We all know the next couple of weeks are probably going to be some of the hardest days of our lives. We are praying for each other and we are all on prayer lists of our family and friends which we are very thankful for. We also know that from these verses Isaiah 43:1-2, we will all make it through, not only Christmas, but this season of grieving. The verse says" Fear not, for I have redeemed you: I have summoned you by name (He has called us by our name--what a comfort), you are mine (another comfort). When you pass through the waters, I will be with you (we are never by ourselves), and when you pass through rivers, they will not sweep over you (we will not drown), when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze (we will not be destroyed) . Everybody one time or another will be in some kind of fiery trial in their life, but God will always be with us. In our study of Beth Moore, she said something that was interesting. She said, God does one of three things in these fiery trials. God can deliver us from the fire, for example just do a small miracle in our lives and lift us right out of our trial--remove the trial and life goes back to normal---that would most definitely build our faith, we would never forget it. Or We can be delivered through the fire by God. We will have to go right through the blazing fire, but God will be right there with us and if need be-- carry us until we are strong enough that we can walk again, or maybe He will let us soar on the wings of eagles in the middle of the storm for a while. Our faith will be refined---like when gold is refined, the heat of the fire purifies the gold----we see God's character on a first hand bases, we have no choice except to grab a hold of God and hang on for the ride, if we want to survive. Our relationship with Him is intensified and very personal. The last one is, we can be delivered by the fire right into the arms of Jesus. None of us really want this one, but actually it is what we are all looking forward to. Our faith then is perfected, we are face to face with Jesus. We have taken off our coat of sorrow, pain, loneliness,frustration and layed it down and step over into our heavenly home where we will never cry another tear--and every day will be Christmas!!! Thank you Jesus for your great love for each of us, You walk with each one of us through these fiery trials, and You will deliver us one way or another---You have the perfect plan to deliver us. We are each the child of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.