Today was a gloomy, cold, rainy and extremely windy day-- is that also where my heart is? It would be easy for me to fall into this place each morning when I wake up. In fact, alot of nights I wake up about 2 or 3 in the morning and where do my thoughts go----of course, Taylor and I think how could all this possibly be my life now. As I lay there thinking about him, I feel a real sadness come over me, one I can't begin to explain. I know if I stay in that state of thinking about Taylor and how much I miss him---the ache to see him will become unbelievable, i know then I will get up in the morning and feel just like today, miserable. So, how do I keep from falling into that state----I grab a hold of God with both hands and talk with Him in the middle of the night like He is standing right beside my bed. I remind Him of all the promises He has given me----(Ya, like He might have forgotten one :)Then I repeat them over and over. As it is getting closer to Christmas, each day is more of a battle to stay closely connected with Jesus, satan is right there telling me---look how happy everybody is---they are so excited about Christmas and getting together with their families, but when your family gets together on Christmas morning, there is going to be an empty chair, and it is not just empty for this year, but it will always be empty. If I let satan win with that kind of thinking, them all my days are going to gloomy, rainy, and cold. As I was doing my bible study in our grief sharing book, God gave me this verse which fits perfectly (is that a surprise) John 16:20 " I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. and verse 22 Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.". I thought that verse is exactly where I am----this is my time to grieve, and it is OK that the world is rejoicing, not to feel sorry for myself, my time of rejoicing will come too some day. I just have to wait on God to heal my heart. Grieving is a long, slow and very difficult process to get through. God orchestrated the human mind to only be able to grasp small amounts of grief at a time, or a person's heart would completely break into a million pieces and there would be absolutely no way to put it back together again. Even though, my mind will understand that Taylor is never coming home, never getting married, never going to be a dad, my heart will go into denial and not comprehend it. My heart will shut off, or become numb to those terrible thoughts and feelings. My heart can only stand a little bit of the truth at a time, and when my heart "gets" it, then I am really sad, until I have grieved that particular loss---then it moves on to the next loss.
We want Taylor to be part of this Christmas as he has been for the last 20 years, but how could that happen. We came up with an idea, which I think will make great memories. Since Brooke had already hung Taylor's stocking up with the rest of them, we thought we need to fill it with something. We thought it being empty Christmas morning would be heartbreaking. So we decided to have all his friends and family write at least one memory, and if they felt like it two or three, which would be great about Taylor. We will put them in his stocking and each year add more memories. We thought this will be a great way for Brooke and Spencer's kids to get to know who Taylor was as a young boy full of life. We will read some every year, and maybe we will even this year, though it might be to sad to read many memories this year. I put this on facebook to reach some of his friends, and I am happy to say, a couple have responded with memories. They are so bittersweet, but I know in the years to come they will be a treasure. So, if anyone wants to share a memory, just e-mail it to me at firstname.lastname@example.org . It will be greatly appreciated.
Ok, I am going back in time. I am going back to probably a month or so after Tay's accident. I hated getting up each day. It was like as I got dressed, I also put a huge weight around my neck. The sadness and loneliness was almost unbearable. One day, I got a bill in the mail for having Taylor's wisdom teeth pulled out. I could not believe it. I sat there in a chair looking at that bill, and thought oh, so much has happened since that day of surgery. I remembered how cute he looked coming out of antisetic that morning. His mouth was filled with cotton, and they had us waiting in the doctor's office which was filled with racing cars. When the doctor came in, Taylor was so interested in his racing pictures everywhere, that he was trying to talk to the doctor. I could have taken to laughing, cause I could not understand one word and blood was running out of his mouth, but he didn't car, his eyes were all lit up looking at those cars. The doctor was much better at understanding Taylor, he must have been use to gargled speech, because he carried on a conversation with Tay. Tay was so talkative and happy, probably the medicine had something to do with that, because when he got home it was a different story. As I sat there thinking of this story, I remembered, i took a picture of him when we got home, so i went and got my camera, sure enough there was that picture. Again, that day was so hilarious, there he was with a big ice pack on both cheeks with a mouth full of cotton, and his mouth drooping down. He now looked like he got into a big fight and he was the loser. He was no longer the talkative boy, but one in pain. I sat there looking at that picture and crumbled into tears, thinking this just can't be. That picture was barely two months old, and now my life was so horribly changed. That day was a really hard day, one I could not wait until I could go to bed and take that heavy weight off from around my neck. That night before bed, I went and checked my e-mail and I got one from Rachel and she said in it that God had given her a verse that she wanted to give me which was Isa 41:10. i think I read it that night, but was so low, it hardly meant anything to me. I just wanted to escape from all this pain. When I got up the next morning, it was Friday, the day I got to see Tay for lunch and sometimes if we were lucky we would get dinner with him too, but not today, all I had were pictures and a terrible sadness in my heart. I remember it was a beautiful summer day, but to me, in my mind, it might as well have been a day like today --gloomy and cold----my heart was anything but sunny. If I would have let myself, I would have gotten the photo album out and curled up in a corner and just looked at pictures of Tay. Sheila called later that morning and we talked a bit and pretty soon, she says, God gave me a verse today and I am to give it to you. I said in a weak voice, oh, which verse is it and she says, Isa 41:10. I thought, oh, that is the same verse that Rachel gave me last night, maybe i better go read it again. I wrote it down, but it still did not hit my heart---it again was in my head, but did not move the 18 inches down into my heart. Beside that huge hole in my heart where Taylor was suppose to be, i had something else that satan kept bring into my mind that just would not quit. Somebody that I really respected as a person and his thoughts. He had made a comment right after the funeral ( he was referring to when Ron said that Taylor had given his heart to Jesus and was in heaven), he said "is this what our church has come to, just accept Jesus. That was a doorway for satan to come and bring his favorite tool again----doubt----. The day was getting worse, if that was even possible, so thought I would go for a walk over in Johnson's woods. God has many times spoken to me there and was desperately hoping for His presence and comfort. I walked for an hour, but really did not feel all that much better and was on my way home, when my cell phone rang. I saw it was Ron, so i picked it up. His first words, were "how is your day going". i said in a very broken voice, in fact so broken, I am not sure he even understood me. He just knew things were not good and he quickly got to the point. He said as he was doing his quiet time that day, God gave him a verse that he wanted to give to me----guess what verse---ya, Isa 41:10. Through my tears I said, "Oh, Ron, you are the third person to give me that verse in 24 hours." He said "what, I can't believe it, Deb, God really wants you to have that verse. That is God speaking." I told him all that was going on and how I was feeling and he proceeds to say" God has chosen you and put you on a platform, but it comes with a very high price, it is very expensive, but He wants you to Glorify His Name." All i could think was Oh, please can I just crawl off this platform. I don't want to be here, it is just too painful, too hard, but knew in my heart, this is where God put me and this is were I am to be-- painful or not, but knew Jesus was right there on this platform with me. Ron encouraged me to the point that I was no longer in tears by the time we hung up. On the rest of the way home, i thought I am going to "really" read this verse when i got home. When i got home, i took my bible and sat at the kitchen table and read this verse word by word. This is what it said Isa 41:10 "So do not fear: for I am with you, do not be dismayed: for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.". When i was done reading it real slow, I have only had this two, maybe three times in my entire life, but this is one of those times. It was like Jesus was sitting in the kitchen chair right beside me, and in a voice that was almost audible He said--"This is my promise to you, Remember it always". He felt so close to me, I felt like I could have reached over and touched Him. I just layed my head on the table and wept. I knew this was going to be the verse that will get me through the moments, the days, the months and eventually the years. A promise I will never forget. Then Jesus added one more, I could hardly believe it, a couple of days later, i get a card with that exact verse Isa.41:10 inscribed in the card. I just sat there and smiled as I read it. I thought, God---I will never understand Your deep love for me, no human love will ever come close to the love you have for your children.
To this day, that is the verse I repeat over and over, until it moves from my head down into my heart to where I can actually "feel" it. He is my God, He will strengthen me, He will hold me up with His righteous right hand-----what better place to be than in His hands. Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty.