Saturday, December 5, 2009

Back from Illinois

Yesterday was a hard day. We had gotten back from seeing mom and dad and I was here in the house most of the day by myself. Brooke and Spencer had put up the Christmas tree while I was gone and that was mostly OK. We had talked about what should we do with the stockings---put them all up---just put up Brooke and Spencer's---or not put any of them up. We really had not decided for sure, but Brooke wanted to put them all up and to make it alittle bit different she got one for her boyfriend (BJ), which is planning on being here for Christmas. So, when I walked into the house, and went into the livingroom where the tree was, there were all the stockings. Yes, it was like a hard kick in the stomach, which I could have almost leaned over with pain, but thought, she wants Taylor to be a part of this Christmas just like every other Christmas, so I left it there. We are now trying to decide how we should honor Taylor at Christmas, somebody told me put a picture of the one that died out with a candle burning beside it all day. Brooke said maybe we could all write a couple of memories and put them in his stocking and if it is too hard to read them this year, which I am pretty sure it will be, but let them there and read them next year and every year put more memories in his stocking and them each year read some. I don't know, it all just sounds so painful, but know we should do something---if anybody has any ideas, I would appreciate your comments.
Diane and I got to mom and dad's on Sunday afternoon about 5:00. I did not know how I was going to feel walking into their house, I was praying that a flood of terrible memories would not over take me and I would end up sobbing. Mom said later too, that she was worried not knowing how it was all going to hit Diane and I. It was all the prayers, it was not as bad as I thought it very likely could be. I was very aware of the emotions that were there below the surface, but for the most part they stayed there and did not bubble out. Every so often, as I would walk through the dining area where I got the phone call that night, I would just have to stop and go through that terrible evening again step by step. We did talk about it, and told mom just how it all happened, because they were in bed and did not know any of it until the next morning. Tuesday was the only bad day, where I just felt sad and knew if we talked too much about Taylor or the accident, I would be in tears, but the rest of the days we were busy and it was good. Mom and dad were both in good health and we got to take them out for rides, dinner, and shopping. We were very thankful for all of this.
Back to my day yesterday, I sometimes wonder if I should start to put some of Taylor's things away. It just seemed every where I looked, I would see Taylor, by afternoon I was in tears too many reminders and memories. His riding boots, work boots are both right outside the door in the garage, we walk by them every time we come into the house----always a reminder he is not here and not going to be wearing those boots. Nobody wants me to touch a thing, but am thinking that is perhaps not a good idea. I was reading a grief devotional book the other day and they said something that I just had to think on. They said grieving is like a rollercoaster ride. As I thought about this, I realized that was so true. I thought what it would be like to get on the biggest rollercoaster ever. I would be standing in line for a long time as I wait talking and laughing with the family and friends around me. It may be hot and crowded, but mostly enjoyable----that would be life before the accident----some troubles, but mostly joyful. Now as I get into my seat and they snap down the bar (Jesus is the bar), but my hands are still moving around getting my stuff secured--not touching the bar much, I feel pretty secure, safe, but my hands are not hanging on to Him, but we have not started to move yet----that was my relationship before Taylor's accident--secure and feeling safe in Jesus but not hanging on real tight. Now the rollercoaster is starting to move, but slowly and clicking straight up the track, can't really see anything but the pretty blue sky, really not too scared yet, maybe a little anxious now and then, by this time my hands may be starting to hang onto the bar a little more----little more valley's have come into my life, starting to get closer to Jesus---now I get to the top and after we top that huge mountain, I come down with amazing speed, in fact, so fast that I need to close my eyes, or my contacts will fly right out---I have forgotten about any of my belongings flying away, the only thing I am concentrating on is hanging onto the bar (Jesus) with both hands so tight my knuckles are turning white. I can't see a single thing, if I do mange to open my eyes, everything is a blur and I can't focus on anything------that was the horror of that phone call, in fact that whole week of his viewing, funeral. I finally hit the bottom of that valley, now the rollercoaster does come up alittle bit, but only for a split second then it is dipping down and by now it is flying every direction except straight. My body is flying from one side of the seat to the other, my head is banging against the seat. I realize if I can see anything at all, it is only for a couple of seconds at a time, but not the next curve, only the sky---the only thing I can do is hang onto the bar (Jesus) with both hands, it makes me feel safe and secure even though myself and every thing else is flying upside down part of the time. I know anything that is not secure is gone, it has long flew out-----even though, I know my life now without Taylor is never going to be the same, and I have lost so much, the only thing I can hang onto is Jesus. Finally, the rollercoaster rolls to a stop, I am never so glad to get off that ride, but feel so beaten up, I am wondering if I can walk, I am dizzy and can barely stand up, but I just want off badly, the kind person beside me holds me up (Diane does this more than once). I hobble over to a bench with help of Diane and I sit there for awhile and finally, I realize I am feeling more like myself, I can smile and laugh again, I even notice the sky is a very pretty blue-----grieving is alot like this---I can feel very beaten up---wondering if I will ever make it through, will I ever be able to laugh and smile again and not have this terrible ache in my heart every minute of every day. God has given me many verses that promise me this very thing---one day I will be able to smile and laugh again--like verse Jer. 31:13 " I (God)will turn my mourning into gladness; I(God) will give me comfort and joy instead of sorrow;. I just pray that I will never have to get back on that rollercoaster again (I know I am way too old to be riding one anyway :), but I do pray God does not put me on one like that again.
I know this month with the Holidays is going to be really really tough. I am sure no matter how we end up honoring Taylor there will be tears. There will be an empty chair when we celebrate Christmas dinner, opening gifts, and going to family gatherings, but God will be right here beside us whispering in our ears, Taylor is celebrating Christmas with me, and I will help you through this terrible grieving time.
I have gone to this song more than once "I must tell Jesus" It is so comforting as it goes "I must tell Jesus all of my trials. I cannot bear those burdens alone. In my distress, He kindly will help me. He ever loves and cares for His own. I must tell Jesus all of my troubles. He is a kind compassionate friend." He is the friend I want with me always----He is never too busy, or too tired to help me. Just like yesterday when my day was dissolving into tears, i just kept praying please Jesus help me out of this deep valley today. When I got the mail, there was a letter from somebody i barely know, but they had the most encouraging words. The words were encouraging, but I also seen the hand of God delivering this letter at just the right time. Praise to God, He is always faithful. Even though this has been a terrible 3 1/2 months, my praise and love for Jesus has grown each day.
I know you are all praying for us and I will be forever thankful, please continue to pray for us through this holiday season. Thanks

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