4th anniversay

One thought can be...it has ONLY been four years. It seems so very long since I have seen taylor walk through the door and say "Hello, family I am home" and then give me that famous smirky little grin. Then other times I can think, it ALREADY has been 4 years. It seems just like yesterday that I got that dreaded phone call on a hot summer night where my life has never been the same since. I can remember every single detail just like it was yesterday. This week is always a hard time, because as each day dawns I remember what we were doing 4 years ago. I go through my day looking at the clock and thinking what was happening 4 years ago. I am sure that many of his close friends also were remembering back to that hot summer evening that went terribly wrong. I had one of his friend's call and we talked a half hour of so just of memories, but he not only wanted to talk about memories, he also wanted to know just how I was doing, how was  I coping....and that always leads the conversation into the presence of God and all His mercy and compassion. I got several cards from his friends who had remembered the exact day. That will always touch my heart, when I know he still lives on in their memories. On the 16th I would keep looking at the clock remembering that long quiet horrible ride back from Illinois. All that kept running through my head at that time was How can this possibly be true, and how will we ever get through the horror that will follow this week. This is where the prayers of everybody that knows and loves you are praying without ceasing, because at this point we are so far in the depths of shock and disbelief our brains cant even put thoughts together to pray. When we did finally arrive back  home we were so very exhausted and it didn't help that we slept little if any the night before. The whole yard was filled with cars,  all I really wanted to do was crawl upstairs to bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there until Jesus came back. That was all 4 years ago, and like I said, every memory is crystal clear, but also the memory of how God held me and carried me through it all is also crystal clear. Back to the present time...Friday afternoon, I went to Wooster to get balloons for the kids to let go out at the cemetery later in the evening. It was a beautiful night, one just like Taylor would have loved, sunny, slightly breezy and warm. Us and Max's and their families when out about 6:30. First, we all walked around looking at different people's graves, but slowly one by one we found our way back to Taylor's. We all just stood there remembering 4 years ago. We did, though, something a little different this year...we all told of memories we had of Taylor. Most brought a smile or even a chuckle to our hearts, because Taylor was one with a lot of action, some good and some that ended not so good, but funny for the ones around him. Max was telling a story of when he took Taylor deer hunting. Max said that when a really nice big deer came and stood right in front of Taylor, he got so nervous he could not shoot, Max kept whispering shoot, when taylor got up enough courage to shoot... the deer had seen them by this time and was running away, taylor did end up shooting, but of course he did not get any deer on that outing. But he did get more courage and the next time they went out, he got much more brave and shot sooner, but max said this time about 12 deer were out in shooting range, so one would think taylor would try to shoot the biggest one, but not taylor, he shoots bambi, a much smaller one. He didn't care, he was just happy he hit one, now he brought meat to the table for dinner. Then after an hour or so, we gave all the kids balloons and had them write anything on them if they wanted. Then as they held the balloons we started to sing "Jesus Loves Me" and then the kids let them go...I have to admit this really touched my heart as we watched those balloon ascend into the heavens and we sang this song which we all truly knew was the heart of our God...He does love us. After we left there, we went out to the accident site. It was all so quiet this night, but as I stood there, I could imagine the night of 4 years ago, the red lights flashing of the ambulance come screeching down the road to help Taylor and all the kids standing there with extreme fear on their faces and in their hearts. Has this changed their hearts, I certainly hope so, at least I know of a few that it has, but God only knows about the rest of them. Some of this friends had visited the site today. There were several bouquet of flowers set out close to the cross, someone had put several little tractors by the cross. I sometimes can get caught up in the "what if's", like what if Taylor could have seen that culvert just 3 seconds earlier could he have gotten the 4wheeler up soon enough and he would have been fine, what it nobody would have been riding on the back of him, was it too heavy to move fast enough to miss the culvert. What if I would have had him go with us to the wedding of my sister out in Illinois, he was home that week on vacation from school, so he could have easily gone with us, what if they would not have laid those two big rock only two weeks before. But I found "what if's" will only give my heart more pain, because I can't change a thing. So, once again I remind myself, God never makes a mistake, Taylor's work and life came to the twelfth hour that night, it was finished. Brooke even said, mom if he would have gone to the wedding with us, you were driving and most likely you would have had an accident and he still would have died, because God was calling him home that night and now you would have to live with that too. I know just how hard some days it is to live with missing Taylor, I can't imagine how hard it would be if I had somehow been in an accident and he died from injuries from that accident. So, rest assured I try to always just know that God's plan is a perfect plan even when it hurts so much you are not even sure you will survive to tell about it. God will sometimes even give me little clues in why He picked Taylor. One of his friends told me that in all the people he has ever met, Taylor is the one person he will always remember, not only because of all that happened he said but because of who he was, his character. That same day, I had another person say, taylor sure touched many lives even though he was so young, there was just something about him. So, did God possibly look down from Heaven and see taylor's heart already belonged to Him, and could also see that Taylor's death would bring other souls to Him, if this is true.. then all the pain of losing him so early in life is worth it...and I am sure after all what Taylor has seen in these last 4 years, he would strongly agree.....and to think some day, we will be face to face with our King and He will answer any questions we will have, He will explain it all to us and I am quite sure, we will say that plan was perfect....but until that day, we live by faith and I do have faith, it was a perfect plan, does it hurt, is it hard....a big resounding YES....but God is my Best Friend and Comforter. 

God of Yesterday, God of Today, God of Tomorrow

I had to think, God is never changing, always the same, but it us who does the moving and changing. April 1st would marked Taylor's 24th birthday. I have to say, I have done a lot of changing in these three in half years. Some days I have moved so close to Jesus I could feel His arms around me, and other times I would have to ask, God where are you...but in all reality, He was always there right beside me, I just had moved away, even when I never intended for that to happen. As I think back over these three years, I realize how much I have changed, my interest and desires are so different now. God grabbed my full attention in a split second and gave me the biggest test of my life. I must say, He never sent me out on the battle field alone, not even for a second, He always went with me and most days He went before me. I, at times thought I would never survive the road of grieving. At one point God gave me the verse Isa: 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. when you walk through the fire, you will not be burnt. The flames will not set you ablaze." This was a promise of God and He did exactly what He said He would do. The flames may have singed me a few times, the water may have gotten up to my waist, but God always came and picked me up and carried me to safety. I have found that it is very possible to be completely devastated, but still feel like you are on a mountain top with Jesus. Even when it felt like my heart was breaking into a million pieces, I have never felt the presence of Jesus more intimately. Is it possible to be on the mountain top with God without going through  fire of a trial...I know that is the time you hang onto God with both hands because you know deep inside of your heart that is the only way you will make it through, so we move very close to Jesus's heart. Why can't we stay there, my heart thirst for that, but we end up rolling down the mountain. I believe God gives us a glimpse of what an intimate relationship with Him feels like, so it will put a fire in our hearts to always want that, but it will never be a continuous mountain top until we are living with Jesus in eternity. My God of yesterday, before the accident, was like a  friend, somebody I would spend time with and talk to, but did not look for Him like one would look for treasures, because we know God has treasures hidden in all different places all through our day. My God of today, the days and months after the accident, God became my very best friend, like I could hardly take a breath without Him being right beside me. Now, I was very alert looking for treasures everywhere I went. Each treasure I found brought Jesus a little bit closer and a little bit more real. My God of tomorrow, which is the present time is a good friend, but I want my relationship of my best friend back, but I don't want the fiery trial that came with it back. So, is it possible to have it all here on earth, or is it heaven thing??
Taylor's birthday this year was more quiet than years past. Spenc was off school, so him and I went out to the site earlier in the day. When we got there, we seen some of his friends already had been there. Flying in the cold wind was a happy birthday balloon tied to the cross and one single red rose in a vase sitting at the bottom of the cross. Spenc and I stood there for awhile looking at the cross and the area around it, thinking this is where in a moment of time our lives all changed and Taylor's last breath was breathed, and the angels came and got him. Usually, Max's family and us go out to the cemetery in the evening to let off balloons and just do alittle remembering of Taylor, but this year just our family went. It was more quiet as we each thought in our own minds of memories of Taylor. I can not help but think about the day he was born. It was cold day, pretty much like this one. I just remember how little he was, but oh so perfect. I remember they brought him into my room after he was all cleaned up, with a cute little green stocking cap on, which green turned out to be his favorite color. I stood there thinking about his childhood, he was a boy that was not scared of much, and loved being outside, and he hated school from the first day I took him to preschool, until the last day he walked out of his college class for the last time, well, I guess he only hated the school work, he loved to socialize with his many friends in school. He really didn't like sports all that well, but thought a good way not to have to do any chores and could spend more time with his buds, so he ran track. I remember one day he had a meet and I did not go, but when he came home, I asked him how he did, and he said I did really good. I said did you win your heat, and he said, oh, no, but there were kids behind me. I had to chuckle, he was so different from Brooke. Then my thoughts went to the day we stood out here in this cemetery around his casket for the last time. It was a hot stormy day, a day not only were there tears flowing from his friends, and of course his family, but those black stormy clouds filled with rain were tears of Jesus crying with us. And finally my thoughts turned to the day in the future, when Christ will be coming through the clouds with ten thousand angel singing the most beautiful songs one could only imagine, and Taylor's grave will open up and his spirit will be reunited with his body, only this time his body will be immortal, and we will all meet Jesus in the air. Oh, what a day of rejoicing that will be!

actually, I found this post that I forgot to post in april, but will go ahead and post it now...better late than never

Fear, But God Openig Doors

I have been wanting to write for awhile, and just say how God can open doors in the mist of fear. It was probably about Thanksgiving time when we got the tragic news that a 24 year old kid was killed out in Illinois from the Forrest congregation. Just the news of a  child being killed always sends chills up my spine. It instantly puts me back to that hot summer night when I got that phone call. It touches every emotion in my body. As more news came in about this accident, it was so very similar to Taylor's. It was late on a Saturday night, a bunch of kids out having a good time. He was driving an ATV with other kids on it. He went off the road and hit a culvert, all soooo very much like Taylor's accident. My heart started to be gripped by fear when I heard that this was their second son that was killed in a freak accident. Six years ago, their 21 year old son was killed in a auto accident. I always thought God never gives anyone more than they can bare, but two kids being killed seems like more than anyone can bare. I wanted to think we paid our dues with losing one son, surely, God would not take another one, but as I looked on in this case, that was exactly what He did. I could feel myself losing the battle with fear, thinking, I would never make it through it again, Please God don't let that happen. I forced myself back to where I had spent so much of my time after Tay's accident...God makes no mistakes, and He knows the number of our days before we are even born. Did it help, some, but I will probably always battle with this fear to some degree.
Diane, Mom and I went back out to Forrest to check on mom's house the first part of December. The first time I went back to Forrest church after Taylor's death was extremely hard and this boy's mom had come up to me and gave me a big hug. Her first son had gotten killed just three years earlier, so she could relate to the pain of grieving I was in at that time. God was starting to plant in my heart that maybe I should try to get to her on the Sunday. I really did not want to do this because it was so recent that it happened, and just what was I going to say to comfort her, and on the selfish side, just talking to her, and seeing her pain, would bring all those feelings back like it was yesterday...and lets be honest who likes having their heart ripped out again. So, when I heard our plans had changed and we were not going to be in Forrest over a Sunday, I was secretly sorta happy, now I could just send a card, instead of seeing his mom face to face. We get to Forrest on a Thursday and after mom talks to some of her friends, she thought maybe we could go to church on Friday night because they were having a Christmas song singing, but then as Friday night came, my brother came back to Forrest too, so we all sorta decided to probably not go....again, i was sorta glad....I was thinking God must be Ok with me just sending a card. Friday night comes and we all go out to pizza, enjoying seeing Warren and Sherry again, but pretty soon mom says out of the blue well we better hurry up and get going so we can get to church for the singing. I am thinking where did that come from, I thought we weren't going. Off we go to church, but I was thinking they probably will not be there, since it barely was three weeks since the accident and just who would feel like singing Christmas carols. But we barely get inside the door and there is his dad. I really didn't know his dad, but Diane did so she tried talking to him, but he had walls up so high you could not begin to touch his heart. I looked around but did not see his mom and so in my heart, I was really thinking OK God i don't need to talk with her, You knew I couldn't comfort her anyway, what could I possibly say to comfort a mother's heart that just lost her second son...and truly there was something inside of me that kept saying, if this happened to her what makes you think it won't happen to you too, so i felt like I would be no comfort, probably more of hindrance. When the singing was over, several people came up to us and we of course talked about how tragic it all was. I asked how his mom was doing and they said, terrible, she barely comes to church, never answers her phone, she really does not want to see anyone. I thought it was then safe to ask, do you think I should go see her, and I got the answer I was hoping for, well she won't answer her phone and if you just decide to go, if she is home..her van will be in the drive. At that very moment, God whispers in my ear, you will be going to see her tomorrow. I thought, Oh God do you really think I am going to be a comfort to this extremely grieving mother, I feel like I have nothing to say, and I myself am filled with fear. I talked to several other people that night and most said, no this is probably not the time to go see her, she needs some time to grieve, go maybe another time. But as I went to the car that evening I knew I was going to see this mother and God was going to open every door. I told Diane, she better go with me. We didn't have a clue where they lived, somebody at church tried to tell me, and first I hardly listened, but after God whispered in my ear that I was going, I listened up...sure didn't need to spend a half a day lost in the country somewhere. The next morning we got up and spent time with God, pleading He would go ahead of us and open every door. Diane and I get in the car and head out. We had no trouble finding the place. We pull into the yard and my heart gave a little jump because the van was gone. We thought we would still go up to the door and knock, but really not expecting an answer. As we knock and wait, just like we thought, no movement inside so we turn to leave. As we are walking off the porch and I look up and here comes his dad to talk with us. At first Diane and I both say how very sorry we are for his loss, but again his walls are so high he barely heard us, but then I said something about how similar Taylor's accident was to Lucas's accident, and at that moment one wall started to crumble. It was like God had me say just the right things because before long, all this walls were completely down and we could talk very openly. After awhile, we said well we are sorry we missed your wife and he says, oh no, she would really like to see you, she is right up the road cleaning out Lucas's house. So, Diane and I walk slowly back to the car to now go up to where she is. I could only imagine what she was feeling, she was already cleaning out Lucas's house, it barely was three weeks. I was thinking, it has been three years for Taylor and it is still too hard for me to clean out some of his stuff, it is right where he left it. Oh, what are we going to say. We drive slowly up the road and pull in. She does not know my car, well in fact, she really doesn't know me. I only got to her that one time in church, and I was so much in the grieving process at that time, I probably would not even have recognized her on the street, and now I have to say some comforting words...God help me here. As we drive in, she is out in the garage cleaning out his truck and as I look at Lucas's truck he had a loving memory sticker on the window for his brother that was killed six years before. That hit a place in my heart, because I also have one of those stickers on my window in memory of Taylor. She looks up from cleaning out his truck and has that familiar look on her face that I had so many times. I knew she was most likely thinking just who are you, and I really don't feel like making conversation right now, you have no idea what I am going through, in fact I am not even sure I am going to make it through the next ten minutes. I slowly get out of the car, and the first words that come tumbling out of my mouth is...do you remember who I am....why I said that is any one's guess, but God must have known those were the right words. She dropped what she was doing and yes I do and came right over and gave me a long hug. We just held each other for a long time, and I can't even begin to remember what I was saying in her ear at that moment. What ever it was, she started to open up and share her heart. We stood in the freezing cold for a long time just sharing our hearts. God had one more surprise for us that day. As we were standing there talking with her, Lucas's dad came over to this place and brought his brother along. His brother was a very good friend of Diane's when they were young and running around. When Diane repented all those years ago, this guy said he really wanted to repent too, but he put it off and life took him in a different direction...one away from God, but now he stood there in front of Diane and she seen a soft spot in his eyes and decided to ask him if he knew Jesus. He said no he doesn't, but he would like to one day soon. Yes we all know that is one of satan's favorite tools, procrastination, but Steve had a very soft heart. Diane got to spend some time with him talking about God. When Diane and I got back into the car, we just looked at each other and said, God opened every door, we were so glad we listened, when He told us to go. It turned into a real blessing for us too. No, it is never easy to find words to comfort a person's grieving heart, but it is not us giving the comfort anyway, it is God just using us. We are planning on going back to Forrest very soon, I will try to make contact with Lucas's parents again. Satan likes to use fear to stop us from doing what God is whispering in our ears He wants us to do for Him. Or satan like to use fear to draw us away from God...wants us to start to doubt the promises God has given us, and if I am not careful satan can do this without me hardly noticing until I can find myself in the field of fear.

4-wheeler

It has been awhile since i have written. I will do alittle updating. Summer had some unexpected turns, but then isn't that the way things usually plays out. At the end of may, we were planning on coming to see mom, and warren, steph and her kids were also going to be there. It was going to be a lot of fun, we had not seen steph and her kids in a long time, and mom was really excited for us all to be coming. Brooke and i were leaving as soon as she finished with her last day of school.Warren and steph were already there a couple of days ahead of us.  I was in at Walmart, (the place that seems to get way too much of my money), anyway when my phone rang. I seen it was Warren's cell number, so i just answered it by saying, we are still coming today, just going to be later than I thought. There was a long pause, and he says in a very somber voice, mom took a bad fall this afternoon. I can't explain the pit that hit my stomach at that very instant. This is something i have been afraid that was going to happen and mom has osteoporosis, which makes falls all the more dangerous. I asked how bad was it, and he said, the ambulance just left with her, it wasn't good. He said i heard a pop, so i am pretty sure that her leg/hip is broken, and her wrist is also hurt, but don't know how bad. So needless to say, all i wanted to do is get out of walmart and start for home. All the excitement of going home was gone, and in its place was anxiety of how bad is this. Brooke and I left as soon as possible and finally got to mom's house about 11:30 and by that time Warren was home from the hospital with some updates. He said mom had broken her femur bone, which is the biggest bone in the body and can also be a dangerous one to break, you can bleed to death with a break of a femur bone. But for luck warren was right there when she fell, so she was in the ambulance within 15 minutes of her fall. The next day we all went down to Bloomington where she was hospitalized and now waiting for surgery. We found out her surgery would not be until 4:30 that afternoon. They did have her pretty stabilized, so the pain was manageable. She ended up being in surgery 4 in a half hours. They put a rod in her leg to stabilizes her femur bone, which will stay in there for the rest of her life. Her wrist was shattered, so they had to put external pins (4) in it, which is I guess rare for the arm. The nurses on her floor were scared to change the bandages the next day, so they went and got a long term nurse, and she said she never seen this in an arm, but had seen it in an ankle. She was in the hospital 4 days, then went to Fair View Haven, which is a nursing home for rehabilitation. Seven weeks later she is still there, but recovering nicely. Yesterday they took the pins out, but much physical therapy will be needed on her wrist, and she is now walking with about 50% weight on her leg. I had to think when mom got up that morning, she had all kinds of plans for the day. All kinds of fun things for her and warren, steph and the girls to do. Never did she think that she would not be sleeping in her bed that night, and not even for that night, but many, many nights to come. Her life changed in an instant. We never know God's plans for us on any given day, we can only pray He will give us the Grace to get through them. I  have to say God has answered our many prayers, He has given mom the spirit of.. I will get through this...there has been alot of pain in the healing of all the breaks and now the Physical therapy and occupational therapy, but not once have i ever heard her say, I can't do this or I am tired of all this pain. I do believe God gives us trials to strengthen us and develop us to be more like Him, but He never, not even for a moment leaves our side. She has been an inspiration to me as I have talked with her on the phone and visited many hours with her at the nursing home. I have treasured many memories that I have tucked away in my heart that I will have forever.

Now on to why i titled this 4wheeler. We decided to sell taylor's 4wheeler, yes the very one that he had his accident with. It carries so many memories, some good and of course some that are right down tragic. It has been sitting out in our shed for the last three years, occasionally Spenc would get it out and ride it, once in a great while one of tay's friends would come over and want to drive it, but mostly it just sat there as a reminder. Yes, a reminder of what, the good times, or the terrible times. I guess it had some of both. I remember so many times tay out on the drive so busy cleaning it up and i would go out and talk with him. But on other days, i can just stand and stare at it with the thought running through my mind, this is the very last thing Taylor touched here on this earth. I can so easily see him in my  mind racing around our yard, even doing some jumps in the back yard. It made a lot of noise, and that is just what he loved, the more noise the better in his mind. i can remember on summer days when I would have the windows open, and he drove by, I could not even hear anyone who might be talking. Now, one of Taylor's good friends asks if we would ever sell taylor's 4wheeler. I asked everyone how they felt, and at first some were not sure they wanted to do that, and I agree it does feel like everytime we sell something big of Taylor's we are "losing" another part of him. But we all decided that if we are going to sell it, it would feel the best to be going to one of his friends. So, we decided to sell it. When this friend came over and we pulled it out of the shed for him to see it again, we all just stood there staring, all lost in our own thoughts of the memories this 4wheeler brought back. After a few minutes this kid said, "when I use to  ask taylor if i could drive his 4wheeler, he would always say no, you might wreck it", we all had to smile alittle, because we could just see tay saying that. Then this kid says something that touched my heart, he said "I want you to know, every time I ride this, I will think of taylor and I know he will ride with me". We took taylor's racing stickers off and kept them. The night came when he and a friend came to pick up the 4wheeler, i just watched as they loaded it into his pick-up..i remembered so many times when taylor would do the exact same thing before taking it somewhere. This kid even reminded me of Taylor, his build is the same, his mannerism is the same. He gave me a hug when he was getting ready to leave and said anytime we wanted to see it again, or if spenc wanted to drive it, just let him know and he will bring it over. I just stood there and watched as they drove down the lane with taylor's 4wheeler all strapped in the back, it felt like a little piece of me went with them. It was a very sad moment. I was once again thinking of all the losses and how much i missed taylor. Our God is always right beside us and does provide for every need. A couple of days later, i was emailing another one of his friends, saying I have not seen you in a while and was just wondering what has God been doing in your life. It was sorta neat, i had not thought about this girl in a while, and God just brought her to mind and said get in touch with her. I really thought God wanted me to talk with her to perhaps encourage her, because her mom had told me some time before that she was struggling with her relationship with God. God's ways are almost always do different from ours. That was not at all what God had planned...yes, he wanted me to contact her, but it was for her to encourage me. It was for God to talk to me through her. I was telling her how selling the 4wheeler was a very sad moment for me, and i was missing Taylor alot, i was having a hard time letting go of another big thing of Taylor's, in fact it was something he truly loved. She wrote back and said, 

• Deb, yes Tay's fourwheeler was the last physical thing he touched..... but more importantly he touched so many lives here on earth. I like to think of it as a ripple effect.... starting with him and expanding out through everyone that he impacted.... for example tay - me- and now Justin..... I often get asked Wat does the sticker on my car mean 614? And who is Taylor Gasser? It's the starting of a new ripple effect everytime..... I tell people Tay's story and your family's testimony..... you can just see how it impacts them.... even for a short while. Tay might not be here physically on earth.... but he is still doing God's work from heaven through everyone he impacted.... I hope you see it too! :) I will defiantly be over soon :)

God came up beside  me to remind me again, tay's accident was no "accident", it was His perfect plan and God has and will continue to use it to bring Glory to His Name. I especially loved how she said tay doing God's work even from Heaven. Yes, there will always be a huge hole in my heart, but that is only here on earth, we will be back together soon, very soon. I continue to pray that God will use Tay's life and death to Glorify His Name.

Spring time

It seems that winter has turned into spring, even though we didn't have much of a winter. I really like spring time. All God's creation is coming to life again. The trees have light green buds on them, the wild flowers are sprouting up, the grass is turning that deep green. As I was out walking in the woods the other day, I just had to take notice of this beauty. God gave us the change of seasons just for our enjoyment. When I was walking in the woods, it seemed that I was all alone, just me and the wild life. I could hear all the birds "talking", I saw a family of deer walking through the woods, many chipmunks. It was in the "cool" of the day, just like when God would come and talk to Adam in the Garden of Eden. It was so extemely peaceful, I could almost feel God walking with me, and sometimes I can almost "hear" His voice talking with me. I had to think, this is just a little piece of Heaven here on earth. I am so looking forward to the "real" thing someday
We just passed another birthday for Taylor. He would have been 23 on the 1st of April. He would have been growing from a boy into a young adult. I often wonder just what he would  be doing, would he be dating, maybe even perhaps thinking about getting married. The thought even crossed my mind, do they celebrate birthdays in Heaven, then decided most likely not..there is no measure of time there. After that first year when we celebrated his 21st birthday with all his friends, we decided to keep his birthday mostly a personal/family thing. It is always a hard time..time filled with memories of the day he was born until the day of his accident. I got some balloons to let off, and several birthday banners, one to put out at the cemetery and one at the site. As I took the banner and balloon out to the site, I was very touched to see that some of his friends had already been there. In fact, they had put some time and effort into the site. Some of his friends had taken a bunch of rocks and built up the place where they had placed the  cross. Over the last several years, the water had started to wash part of it away, but they did not want it to all disappear, so they built a wall of rocks to protect it. They have taken the time and fixed it all up, they tied a balloon saying happy birthday, put in some of Taylor's favorite things, like a little tractor, flowers, and an angel. As I stood there looking at it, it really just touched my heart to know, Taylor touched their hearts so deeply, even years later they remember his birthday. Spencer had worn a T-shirt to Wayne College that has Yamaha on the front (taylor's favorite name) and "in loving memory of Taylor Gasser" on the back. As Spenc was walking out of class, this guy probably in his 30's came up to Spenc and says "Do you know Taylor?" Spenc says, "Yes, he was my brother, did you know him?".  This guys says, "well, I really did not know him personally, but I heard about him. He continued and said, I was working in my house that I just bought that was right beside where the accident happened that night."  I thought it was rather amazing that this man, remembered Taylor's name after almost three years. Yes, you would probably remember that "some kid" got killed on his fourwheeler on a hot summer night, but to remember his name...it had to have made a mark in his memory.
This was a rather hard week or two, his birthday, then we also sold his "danger" ranger. We sold his truck. If that truck could talk, it would probably be able to tell stories for a week straight. I just heard a few from his friends that would come to visit us. They all brought a smile to our faces. Even though Taylor acted like he hated this truck, way too small for him to "burn" any rubber. He often said to me, he thinks his truck is a one wheel drive, it goes so slow. We took lots of pictures of this truck, but i am sure we will never forget it. I can't tell you how many times this truck has hit the ditch, even though tay acted like it had no power, he seemed to have a hard time keeping it on the road. Jeff took it to  the Kidron auction and sold it. Jeff took videos of the auctioneer selling it. Yes, it did bring a tear to  my eye watching it sell and spenc then handing the keys to the buyer.
I must have forgotten to post this entry, because when i came back to this page i seen it was not posted, so it is alittle behind .

Changes

Does life ever catch up to change, or are we always trying to adjust to change? I have come to the conclusion that when life finally does catch up, our work here on earth is done and God is calling us home. Change is one way God moves us closer to Him and makes us more like His Son. Nobody is all that crazy about change, but God will use it for our good.  No, I will never totally adjust to the change of  Taylor not being with us, but especially through all the Christmas festivities. That is one time of the year that his absence is very keenly felt. This was one change in my life, I was not sure I would survive, but God came right alone beside me and picked me up and carried me many times. My life has never been the same, but God has used his death to touch many people, and some has even given their hearts to Jesus. I will say even for myself, I have moved to a place with God that I never would have found without this terrible tragedy in my life, so yes God has picked up the pieces of my heart and used it for good....just like His promise says Rom 8:28.."God will use ALL thing for the good of those who love Him and been called to His purpose". It  still amazes me how fairly often one of his friends will just say to me how much they miss him and think about him. A couple days before Christmas, I went out to the site and I could see that somebody had been there and decorated his cross for Christmas.This has always been a prayer of mine..Please God do not let the kids forget how fragile life is, the young sometimes die seeming way before they should.  It does truly make me feel good that they have not forgotten him, no, we never will, but to think these 20 year kids still take time to remember him. He had a great bunch of kids that called him their friend. This being the third Christmas without him, I thought to myself, I feel like we have done a measure of healing, maybe even catching up to change in a small way, but God moved us to the next point of change. On December the 2nd, my dad died on the way to the hospital. He had knee surgery on Oct 17th. We went home to spend time with him and mom. He was in the hospital then to the nursing home for rehap. After a couple of weeks, and he was doing pretty well, we decided to go back home. When I was telling him good bye, and that I was planning on coming back in a month or so, he answered with a statement that was so much more true than I ever dreamed at the time. He said "I will not be here when you come back." I said, "well, where are you going to be?" He says, "I will be in eternity." I said, "in that case, be sure to look Taylor up." He looks at me and smiles and says, "He will be the first one I look up." Little did I know that would be the last words I would say to him. On December the 2nd early in the morning, I get a call from my sister saying they are taking dad to the hospital, he is bleeding internally. Then about 15 minutes later, I get a tex from my brother saying, dad did not make it to the hospital. It was early in the morning, so I just laid in bed and tried to imagine just what all dad was experiencing. He just finish his very last battle, he just laid all his armor down and was on his way to see Jesus and Taylor. Just what would that be like!!! I had to think, was Taylor standing on the shores of heaven, right behind Jesus waiting to give his grandpa a big hug. I could not help but feel just alittle bit jealous of dad, he was on his way where I have thought about so very often since Taylor's accident.
After, a few minutes, it really hit me, I never got to say "good bye" to my dad either. I was remembering when Taylor died, I was 7 hours away, out at mom and dad's, and when dad died, I was again 7 hours away. So, again we had to make that long seven hour drive to say "good bye" to somebody we loved. We had to help mom make the arrangements, at times it brought back so many memories, I could hardly take it. I was not sure I would be able to go into the casket room to pick one out for dad, but decided God would help me fight my fears. I went in, and did pretty well, until I came around the corner and seen the exact casket that we picked for Taylor. At this point, the memories came pouring back, almost like we were standing once again at Gillmans'. I found that, yes the memories can bring tears and sadness, but they were not overwhelming and all consuming like they once were, but with the power of God's Grace I was doing fairly well. There is always that first terrible moment when you see them in the casket. It is almost like your eyes are playing tricks on you, and your mind wants to keep saying this is not true. But after that terrible first moment, my eyes settled on dad's face, and my mind went to thinking once again.. dad, what are you seeing right now...Was Jesus the first one you seen, is Taylor with you...was he glad to see you...is it more beautiful than any eye has ever seen, what is the singing like. These are all questions as of yet, but someday the veil will be lifted and I will for myself. What a glorious day that will be.  For the funeral, we were trying to decide if we wanted to have them sing "Amazing Grace when they wheeled dad out of the church, this would have been the same song we had for Taylor. Was this too much for us, would the memories at this point be too overwhelming, plus this is final time before we go to the cemetery, or would it be a comfort, it is a beautiful song, and the words fit perfectly, that is exactly how each of us will ever get to heaven..God's Amazing Grace. This song has helped me through some really rough times, but there are some really painful memories wrapped up in it too. As we talked about it, we decided that the comfort of that song out weighed the pain...at least we hoped it would when the time came. The time always comes, which we all dread the most, time to say our final "good bye" to dad here on earth. It always feels like part of my heart is being ripped out. I guess, in a way that is true. Each one that I love dies takes a part of my heart with them. I will never understand how a person that does not know Jesus gets through death of a person they love, or worse if that person did not even  know Jesus...now that would  truly be mourning without hope. The service was very nice, well what I can remember of it, but I do remember very clearly when Marvin stood up and said, "now we will have the choir sing Amazing Grace, the same song that Leroy's grandson, Taylor was escorted out on in 2009." Well, did we make it out without tears....not even a little bit...but was glad to say that we did all make it out still standing. That was alot more painful than I imagined, but at the same time very comforting.
As we all know, life here on earth was never to be all fun and games, but God is maturing us day by day. Some storms are like little thunder storms, light rains alittle wind, but other storms, can be bright lightening, hail and hard pounding rains and some can be devastating tornadoes and flatten everything. At times I can feel like I am in those types of storms. Sometimes I can feel like the disciples in the boat when that big storm came upon them, and the boat was rocking from side to side and they thought they were going to drown.  Peter sees Jesus and gets out of the boat and starts to walk on water toward Jesus. Peter was fine walking on water as long as he kept his eyes focused on Jesus, but as soon as he looked at the crashing waves coming his way, he lost focus of Jesus and started to drown. I had to think that is exactly the way I am. I have often felt like I was in a boat being tossed from side to side and very soon the boat is going to capsize and I am going overboard, and probably most likely drown. In the misted of a storm, as I am looking frantically around for something to hang onto, but when my eyes lock with Jesus, I feel myself calming down, and starting to feel safe. I can even start to climb out of the boat, because I don't even notice the waves all around me, as long as I keep my focus on Jesus. But why is it I can not keep my focus there, but out of the corner of my eye, I start to see this danger, another big waves is moving closer and about to knock me completely flat. I take my eyes off Jesus to take a better look at this wave (my circumstances), and I start to feel this fear, panic again, because this wave is heading right for me and it is huge...now my eyes are completely off Jesus and onto the wave (circumstances,) then like Peter I start to go under.... Jesus in His compassion and mercy reaches out his arms and just picks me up and holds me, and will whisper in my ear...You of little faith. If only I could keep my focus on Jesus, no matter the size of the waves, fear would never win. What a God we serve, What an awesome God.

Brooke's wedding day

Brooke's wedding was July 30th. I prayed so hard that God would be so present on this day...also, who wants to enter marriage without God being the most important Guest there, but also, I knew it was going to be an emotional day. A day where family is suppose to be all together to celebrate a very happy occasion, but Tay was not going to be there. God answered my prayers, God was there and very present and I do think He brought a little of Taylor with him. It was suppose to be a stormy and rainy weekend, but guess what God gave us instead..ya sunny skies. We had a lot of people that were going to be traveling from many different states....all arrived and got back home safely. The only mishap was BJ's mom gave her sister her car keys for safe keeping, and forgot to get them back from her sister before the sister left and flew back to CA. So, BJ's mom was stuck in Seville with her keys in CA, but God worked it all out in a day or so.
Spencer and Mark were ushers..and if I say so  myself, they both looked rather handsome, but I could not keep myself from thinking, Tay should be there ushering with Spenc. My mind went back 6 years ago when one of Warren's daughter's got married and she asked Taylor to usher. He was so excited to look so important all dressed up in a tux, he did not care he did not have a clue how to usher..that people actually do have specific places to be seated. In fact, when the church was getting full, and he did not know where to put the later comers, he forgot and put them where grandma and grandpa were suppose to sit.
I prayed that in some way, maybe God would just let me feel Taylor's presence ...I sometimes wonder does God ever let the ones that are so much a part of us, look down on happy occasions---I believe He does.... God did plant little things into our hearts and minds that we could do to "bring" Taylor into the wedding with us. This was not a memorial for Taylor, but a celebration of two hearts that God had brought together 5 years ago. We put a picture of Taylor along side a burning yellow candle up on the alter. It burned off to the side of the unity candle. As I sat on that front bench watching Brooke and BJ's repeating their vows, I could also see Taylor's face smiling back at me....it just made it feel like he was present in spirit with us. Brooke had decided to carry a single sunflower tucked into her wedding bouquet in memory of Taylor...that was his favorite flower. She also picked the sunflower to give to the mothers. When she came over and hugged me and handed me the sunflower....a few tears could not help but run down my cheeks. As I watched Spenc and others "decorate" their vehicle, I again thought how Taylor would have loved that...He was always one filled with ideas to play tricks on others.  Yes, there were moments when my mind and heart could not help but feel his loss, but I must say with a grateful heart...God blessed the day and there were many, many happy moments and memories. Brooke's husband is a deeply spiritual man, and for that I am very thankful...don't we all pray that our kids will marry a guy/girl that loves the Lord with all of their hearts. The one thing I didn't pray for was that he would be in the navy. That sounded like they would not be living in Ohio...since there is not much water close by...if they would have said a rainy state...ohio would have been in the top three...so  that was going to mean they will either be on the west coast or east. God would give me time to adjust to that thought, since BJ is in training in Chicago and Brooke is living at home working and finishing her masters program, but then what?? I must admit I have had a really hard time with this. I kept wanting to pray that God would in some way take BJ out of this program, which is a very dangerous one. I kept thinking can Brooke, or for that matter any of us take the stress of always wondering where he is, is he ok..will he come back in one piece or even will his personality be the same or will it  be totally different..will they have taught him to completely emotionally detach from any situation. I kept thinking..God just what are you trying to teach us...in fact I wanted to whine alittle and just say...didn't we learn enough hard lessons with losing Taylor, but I found that when I would try to pray my "will" God would very quietly whisperd in my ear..."Don't you trust Me to know what is best." I stressed many days, looking at once again all that could possibly be taken away. Brooke could be living 1,000's of miles away, grandkids that I could possibly only see once a year, but God just kept whispering in my ear.."Trust Me." I was pretty much like Moses, I could come up with a hundred excuses why I really did not think this is the best place for BJ and Brooke, it all looked so stressful and hard, would any of us be able to get through another death, so please God can you help me out here. All God kept saying was "Trust Me".  I knew if I was ever going to have that indescribable peace in my heart about this, that was exactly what I was going to have to do...surrender it all to God. So, I did what Jeremiah 29:13-14 says.." You will seek and find Me when you will seek Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, Declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity." That was when I could finally say..God I know You will do what is best for each of us..Yes, I trust You. No, I don't know what the next step is for them, but God is in our tomorrow and He does. I have found over and over happiness and joy have not much in common. Happiness is fleeing, it goes and comes with circumstances, joy can be long lasting and has nothing to do with circumstances, it is all within the heart where God is found.

Passing more Landmarks

It has been a long time since I have visited this blog site..is it because it brings back so many terrible memories, or have I healed enough that I don't feel the need to journal as much? I would probably have to answer that question with yes to both options. We have gone through several more landmarks since I have blogged last. I have heard some say the second year is even harder than the first, but I am happy to say I do not feel this way. That first year and all the landmarks that went with it was heart wrenching and very painful, not saying this second year is easy, but I seem to have more good days than bad...or maybe I should say the pain went from acute to an intense longing. I long for the day to be reunited with Taylor, and of course that means, I will also be in the presence with our Great Master and King.
We pasted the second anniversary of Tay's death..Aug 16th. This is such a different feeling than celebrating his birthday. They are both hard, but in different ways...his birthday, I find myself thinking about the day he was born, and his life, all the things he enjoyed, his personality, his smile, what he would have been like today, would he soon be getting married, but his death date is all about that terrible week. I find myself thinking about what the week before was like, all the conversations I had with him, the things I did with him and then what I was doing that day...how happy we were at Dawn's wedding, just being all together, then came the call that changed my life forever. That was all bad enough, but then the next week is engraved in my mind forever. I must also say, yes the memories of that week are filled with horror memories, but also, it was a time in my life that I have never felt God so close...I could almost feel His arms physically around me holding me up. I have often thought, where would I have been today if I did not know Jesus. would I have just became a shell walking around, would I have become addicted to pills, pills to get up, pills to go to sleep. I am not saying it is easy by any means, but God provides just enough Grace for each day...some days I need alot to get through and others not as much.
I guess, I sorta thought that his friends would maybe.. not forget.., but move on and this would all be a terrible memory, but several came to see me around the anniversary date, and we just talked about Taylor, some were funny memories, some were really sad memories. Some wrote memories on his facebook page, which i find myself really liking...I find out things about his personality that I never seen as clearly as his friends did . Us and Max's family went out to the cemetery to spend some time remembering. Max had a prayer that touched each of our hearts. We let off balloons, we all just watched them drifting off to heaven, some went really fast..straight up and out of sight quickly, others just drifted slowly upward. I had to think that is sorta the way we are, some have a direct focus..all we want to do is get there as quickly as possible, others have the same focus, want to get to heaven, but if it takes alittle more time that is fine too. A few of his friends came out to the cemetery too, we really did not give a special invitation to anyone, but some of his friends just drifted out there on this terrible day, just to remember the friend they had lost two years ago. It did make me feel really good that they came out to remember tay...he isn't forgotten in the hearts of his friends, but lives on. This year was different from last year besides it being the second year instead of the first...his tombstone was up. It just made it all so very real....this is our reality..his smiling face looking back at us...his name and birthday engraved in stone, then under that, the date of his death. Almost every time I read the poem we found to put on the back of his stone, it brings tears to my eyes...as soon as we seen this poem, we knew this was the one to put on...it fits so perfectly, almost like it was written for his tragedy. On this anniversary, I did get several cards that said they were thinking and praying for us...it always brings a smile to my heart when somebody tells me they are praying for us...because I know that is the one things that will absolutely carry me through the bad days and also bring the sun out on the good days. I even had the courage to go back and open up and read some of cards that were sent to us during those very hard days. Was it encouraging....I don't know for sure, the one thing I do know is it brought tears and a lot of memories back...but it also brought the thought hundreds and hundreds of people were praying for us and I do have to say God did speak very clearly through some of the messages written.....so I guess it did bring some type of encouragement.
Another event that we passed for the second time was the fair. Fair time is very bittersweet for me. Taylor loved the fair, he could hardly wait for it to come each year and when it did, he spent every spare moment there. His most favorite part was on Monday afternoons when they had the county tractor pull. He would invite all his friends to come and watch..whether they liked the pull or just wanted to support Tay, alot of them would show up and sit in the grandstand...when Tay would get up to the starting line they would all yell, scream, and whistle as loud as they could. The funny part was, it did not matter if Tay did well or not, they acted like he won the race. I can see him as clear as if it was yesterday, sitting there in line on his tractor with his favorite white cap on, trying not to look nervous waiting in line for his name to be called. I have videos of his pulls, but as of yet, I have not found the strength or courage to watch them...maybe some day. I have found it is just much easier not to go to the fair on those Mondays....I have never watched another pull, but just hearing them call out the names and the length of the pulls is just too much of a reminder what I have lost, so I pick a different day for the fair.
There was one more very big occasion where Tay's absent was very acutely felt and that was on July 30, Brooke's wedding day. I will make that another post.
Would I say that time heals wounds? I would say more that time puts a scab over the wound, but it never completely heals, there are occasions and moments where that scab gets ripped open some, and it bleeds...the time when it will be completely healed with not even a scar will be the day I meet him on heaven's shores.
I will end with a couple of quotes that I thought had a lot of meat to them, if you take a few minutes to think on it

"Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a course of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead"

The one that really touched my heart is this one "Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing, but to turn it into His Glory

Another Birthday--2011--22nd birthday

Once again the change of seasons are upon us----what does that mean, well, it means it is once again Taylor's birthday. He would have been 22-I had to think, just what would he have been doing, where would he have been working, what changes would I have seen in him as he was maturing from a boy into a young man. We didn't know quite what to do this year for his birthday, but just knew we wanted something much quieter than last year. We decided to just get balloons and ask Max's family to meet us at the cemetery to let them off and just do some reflecting on the past year. We all said happy birthday, Taylor, as we each let our balloon go off towards heaven, then later went over to Max's. Max's all left as us four just stood there around Taylor's grave all lost in our own thoughts. My thought first went to that hot, humid afternoon as some stood, while others knelt around his casket for the last time, feeling like our hearts had just been ripped out of our chest and all that was left was a big empty hole- and feeling like would we even make it until the next moment. It has been 20 months since that afternoon, but it was amazing how I could feel every emotion as intensely as if it was that very day. As I stood there looking at his picture, I had to think, just what are you doing today, Taylor? Birthdays mean nothing to you now, time is of no essence-one day is as beautiful as the next, no more sorrow, pain, tears, but instead spending time with Jesus!!! My mind slipped back to what Ron said at Taylor's funeral,--the death of Taylor is like an amputation--as I though more on this, I realized just how true this is. One day earlier that week I was listening on WCRF to a couple who lost their only son, who was five in an accident--and a friend said to him, don't let any one tell you that you will get over this in time, because you won't, but you will learn to live a new normal, then he used the same analogy as Ron, this is like an amputation. It is so true, I will never get over this-like I would never get "over" if my leg was amputated. I would be reminded in every step I took, that something was missing-my leg. Yes, I can lived a fairly normal life with only one leg, but I will never run and jump again. I am trying to learn to live with the "amputation" but must say some days all I can think about is how would it feel to have my "leg" back again. Maybe it is harder right now, because of his birthday and also we have picked out his tombstone. Going picking it out, was once again reality slapping me in the face. When I was standing there looking at these tombstones and trying to imagine what Taylor's name written big across the top and his smiling face etched in stone would actually look like. The thought would keep running through my mind--this can't be true, can't this be a nightmare that I can soon wake up from. The guy just called me today, to say that the drawing is finished and we can come view it before they etch it in the stone---I had to think this is the very last thing we will ever buy for Taylor, my heart just aches thinking about that--but again, I am feeling sorry for my losses, Taylor is safely home. It just has been a hard several weeks. Jeff was out in the garage cleaning up one of the fourwheelers the boys had several years earlier. He had me come out to see how great it looked after he took the time to wash it and paint it up to get ready to sell. As I stood there looking at it, so many memories ran through my mind--like when spencer and taylor would ride this one around the yard, laughing and chasing each other. I even got brave enough to ride on the back of it with them sometimes. They had so much fun trying to scare me to death going over jumps and around curves really fast---i have to admit, it worked it did scare me, but the more, I would squeeze my arms around their waist and scream in their ears to slow down, they would only go faster, laughing all the way. At times like these, I just want to scream ---I don't want this to be true, I want my old normal back, I don't like this new normal that I am forced to live in, but I realize I can only visit this place I can not stay here, or satan will have me right where he wants me--beaten up and destroyed. I realize that satan likes nothing more than to knock me completely flat and I must admit some days he does just that, but Jesus will always come along and pick me up, brush me off, bind up the wounds that satan has caused. I love the thought that satan can not do anything to me unless he goes ask Jesus permission. Jesus will not grant satan permission to do anything that can't be used for God's Glory and me good---but of course that last part I have a choice in---"get better or get bitter".

Life is Full of Changes

Winter soon will be drawing to a close and spring will be bring new life once again. As much as I like spring, it also brings Taylor's birthday. Not that I don't like his birthday, it can bring alot of great memories, but also some really sad ones. I can hardly believe he would have been 22, but actually in my mind he will be forever 20. He will always have that young face, with that famous grin on it. I often wonder just what would he have been doing by now--he would have graduated college, but then I remind myself, he does not have to worry about any of that, his days are filled with pure perfection in everywhere he goes and everything he does. I had a dream about Taylor the other night and I was not sure what it meant, if anything. It just kept sticking in my mind, was it satan trying to play games with my mind and heart, which is what it felt like. I also know playing any games with satan, I will most certainly lose-I can only be on the winning side with Jesus as my shield. I know my best defense is prayer, so that is exactly what I did. I am a person of signs....i often pray that God will direct me through "signs". I don't usually pray for specific signs, just something clear that I know without a doubt that He is talking to me. I was praying He would give me a peace about this dream if it was just satan's plan to pull me down into the "pits". I had nothing in mind, but knew He would speak something in someway, but didn't know when or how. As we were standing in church singing the praise songs before the service, they finish with the last song--Amazing Grace--(I am sure this was no accident) At first all I could focus on was all the memories of the funeral and Taylor being wheeled down the aisle at church for the last time on this song, but about half way through the song, God whispers in my ear, " this is the answer to your prayer, remember how I have spoken to you through this song from the very beginning, always letting you know I am right beside you- and this time is no different, I am right here and yes, it was just a dream, ---Don't let satan win the battle in getting grips on your peace." By this time tears were streaming down my cheeks, the song brought back so many memories, but the one I like to hold on to the most is that God has spoken so clearly through this song of His presence and comfort. How true is this--To have God on our side doesn't mean sailing on a boat without any storms--it means having a boat no storm can sink.

Life is full of changes---some are small which will make very little difference, and then there are some that are life changing. Brooke and BJ announced their engagement a few days after Christmas. They plan to get married this summer. Yes, I am happy for her, but I would be lying if I said I am not also some what sad. We were always close, but since Taylor's accident, we have tried to make every minute count, because like we so quickly found out--you can be here one minute and gone the next....sometimes no time to even say good-bye. BJ right now is in the navy and by this fall his four year tour will be up, but he is deciding if he is going to re-enlist into the special forces, which would make it another six years and they will be either stationed on the east coast (Virginia) or west coast (CA). My first gut reaction is, God, no-no--You can't take her away, not that far---that is going to make another big hole in the family--no, nothing comparable to Taylor, but still a very sizable whole-- just how often will we get to see her, if they are in CA. I have often prayed that God would provide deeply spiritual spouses for my kids, and He did answer that prayer, but not quite like I thought, but isn't that just God---I have found that God seldom if ever answers my prayers like I expect, or alot of times would have liked, but have found that in the end, it was a much better way---so again, I am praying this is the case. I lean very heavily on the verses Prov. 3:5-6 which says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding: in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." When they first got engaged, I didn't do so well, I found myself often thinking what is this going to be like, with her 3,000 miles away, and my prayer became self-centered--I found myself praying--please God just make it so they can live around here, maybe like he will flunk all the test to get into the special forces. Then one night as i was praying, God quietly whispered in my ear, let Me handle this, just put it all in My hands---surrender your will to Me---so that is exactly what I did, well, lets say i am trying to do just that. Not only will I miss her terribly, but if he makes it into the special forces, it will extremely dangerous, and my thoughts often drift to how Brooke knows all about death and how devastating it is---how would she ever survive another one that was that close to her. I could feel myself starting to let satan use his most favorite tools, fear, worry and anxiety. I knew I could nothing to change all the "what if's", and so like the many times before where did I find peace----surrendering it all into God's hands. Whether God allows him to be in the forces or whether he flunks the tests---I know God will do what is best for each of us, and yes, there may be some hard times, but God promises to be with us and take care of all our needs---I hang onto each and every one of God's promises. I heard this somewhere and thought how true it is--God closes doors no man can open & God can open doors no man can close. Like God has told us, don't worry about tomorrow, it has enough worries all of its' own,---but also God told us He is already in our tomorrows just like the verse Det.31:81 says "The Lord himself goes before me and will be with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged." I am so thankful that we all rest in the palms of Jesus's hands, because if I was to do this all on my own, I would be consumed by everything but peace.

Christmas 2010

Christmas, the birth of our Jesus-who chose to leave the realms of heaven to come to this sin- sick world. Diane and I were just talking, what do you think heaven was like when Jesus left?--He most likely left with all the angels singing Holy, Holy, Holy and most certainly a huge hole was left when He was gone. Jesus leaves heaven with the angels singing and Glorifying His name to later hearing Crucify Him, Crucify Him here on earth. His love for us is so great that He still choose to come to earth to save us sick and sinful souls. I try to keep that vision in mind this time at Christmas, how God's plan was being fulfilled and brought to life, but must admit, Christmas is still a very hard time of year.

I am healing slowly, and do not need to write as often, which is a good thing--but writing some how helps me put my thoughts into perceptive. I can start with my focus on myself--feeling sorry for myself, and end with my focus back on our Great God where my strength is found.

Since Taylor has died, none of us go into or even spend very much time in his bedroom. It is just too hard to see all his clothes in the closet, all this personal stuff on his dresser, his underwear in the dresser drawers, so we just made it easy on ourselves and don't go in there much. Spencer and Taylor did share a room, so it did make it harder for Spenc. But when Spenc started Christmas break, he said, Mom do you care if I change my room around. In my heart, I knew that was a step in healing for Spenc, but at the same time, I just wanted it to stay the same---As painful as I knew it would be, to move Taylor's stuff and put it away, I wanted to help Spenc to move to the next step of healing, so that evening Jeff and Spenc moved the furniture all around, as they got done moving everything, Spenc looked at me and asked what should I do with Taylor's stuff, we just stood there staring at all Tay's things, all lost in our own thoughts, memories for each little item sitting on his dresser. There hanging on a hook was Taylor's first hat that he wore until it was in threads, but he loved it and wore it everywhere as a little boy. It became so much a part of him, we had to keep it---so we hung it in his room--there was his first baseball mitt hanging beside the hat. That was also something we had to keep, I don't think that mitt ever seen a ball---Tay was so cute out on those baseball fields when he was a little boy, but couldn't catch a thing-- but could run as fast as lighting. Then Spenc opened the dresser drawers where all Tay's underwear and t-shirts were--ya, the ones I washed a thousand times and he asks what should I do with these. I could have melted to the floor in tears, but thought that is not going to make this any easier for me or Spenc. We did end up moving some of the things that were Tay's, but we could not get enough energy to clean out all of his drawers yet. By the time we were done, the room looked totally different. Part of me was really sad and could have collasped into tears because it felt like we were "putting" Tay away and moving on to the next phase of life, but yes, in my heart I knew, it is only a room, and he will be forever in my heart, I will never "put" him away. I have to say, dealing with Tay's things and Christmas approaching was getting to me.---I was feeling like I was fighting a losing battle, slipping deeper and deeper into sadness and despair, so I decided to open a devotional book from Max Lucado that someone so kindly gave me a couple of months ago. I wanted God to come and throw me a life line, or to come and hold me awhile, to come and bring His Amazing Grace, just anything to help me through the day. I wanted to feel God's closeness to me, to see His faithfulness once again, I knew God knew exactly where I was and how I was feeling, and that I needed His help. So after saying a little prayer, I just opened the devotional book, and it opened to the page that was titled "God Knows What's Best"---i knew He would show up, I had to even smile a little through the tears---He is so faithful, and does meet all of our needs. It started out with the verse Proverbs 3:5 "Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding"---I thought how fitting for me this very day, I was trusting on my own feelings, well I don't know about trusting, but lost in my own well of sorrow--thinking another Christmas without Taylor---then it went on to say "The problem with this world is that it doesn't fit. Oh, it will do for now, but it isn't TAILOR -made." I thought WOW, God even used Taylor's name to get my attention, so He had my full attention now, what was God going to tell me today. It went on to say "We were made to live with God, but on earth we live by faith. We were made to live forever, but on this earth we live but for a moment" So God is saying, Yes, you will live with me, but you must live by faith until that day, and it will be just a moment in time compared to eternity---then it went on to say " We must trust God. We must trust not only that He does what is BEST but that He KNOWS what is ahead. It says in Isaiah 57:1-2 that good men perish, the godly die before their time---no one seems to realize that God is taking them away from the evil days ahead. For the godly who die shall rest in peace." God is once again, so kindly telling me---He KNEW what was BEST for Tay, even on bad days, when my heart is breaking from missing him almost unbearably, I need to gather up every ounce of faith that is in my body and remember and believe with all my heart this to be true, because we all know God is unable to lie--God knows what He is doing !---it goes on to say "what a thought, God is taking them away from the evil days ahead. Could death be God's grace? Could the funeral wreath be God's safety ring? As horrible as the grave may be, could it be God's protection from the future". Could God be telling me, that yes, I know you are hurting from losing Tay, but try to believe that I took him that hot and humid August night because I wanted to protect him from the evil days that lie ahead. Tay was a type of kid that was more of a follower than a leader, so perhaps God wanted to save him from terrible things, or maybe the days ahead are going to be so terrible that death was truly God's safety ring for Tay. By the time I was done with this devotion, that I am sure God hand picked for me that day, i could once again feel the peace of God. I have come to realized that the peace of God is not at all attached to circumstances, that is happiness which comes and goes with what is happening around you, but the peace and joy of God is when I have surrendered complete control of every corner of my heart and know God knows Best and will do what is Best, even in the mist of the darkest days. Like somebody just said, you do all your learning in the valley's, never on the mountain tops.

So, ya, Christmas is in just a few days, and yes, there are some really hard moments, it is not just Christmas day when we are all together as a family, but it starts way back when we put up the tree and hung the stockings up--yes, we put his up right along with the rest--and buying the gifts---I would often stop and think, just what would Taylor have liked this year, would he have wanted something for his 4 wheeler, or maybe a new gun, never any clothes on his Christmas list, that was not a gift in his eyes. I was talking to Brooke and we both said, as the season began we both felt pretty strong, but as the season continued on toward Christmas we got more and more weary and it became harder and harder. No, there is nothing easy about these streets of grieving, but God does and will continue to kindly bring us along with Him each and every day. God knows our pain, but He also said this is not our home, only a journey, but in our pain, God is there. It reminds me like what somebody once said--"there is a window in our hearts through which we see God. Most of the time, thankfully that window is clear and our vision of God is crisp, but sometimes out of no where a pebble hits the window and cracks it. (The pebble is a deep unexpected pain or fiery trial). Suddenly God is not so easily seen--that view that was so crisp and clear and easy to see is now changed. Now I have to look much harder and deeper and closer to see God, and sometimes as hard as I try to look to see Him all I can see is the crack. In those times, I just have to trust in my heart that God is still there and closer than I ever dreamed. For example, within the last week, i have opened up my bible to the same chapter, and read the same verse Eph. 3:18 "may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge---that you many be filled with the measure of all the fullness of God." So, even if I can't see or feel God on some of the darkest days, I just know He is there and loves me more than I can ever understand and that is a comfort all in itself. Merry Christmas to all and I thank each one of you that has continued to pray for us--it has made me a true believer that prayer has great power and does touch the heart of God!

Thanksgiving 2010

I dreaded the holidays so much last year and here they are again. Time does move on whether we want it to or not. As I think back to what I was feeling last year at this time and how I feel today--God has definitely done some healing in my heart. I am not going to lie, holidays are hard and probably will be for a long time. In this last year, God has carried me many, many times, but He also has given me times when He told me--yes, you can walk, I will be right here beside you. I realized God is not going to take the pain away, at least for a long time, but in all that time He wants me to continue to Glorify His name---some days that can be so easy, but on other days, I just want to focus on me and my hurt.
The summer when this all happened, I was praying--God for some reason, I am getting the feeling that I am to go back to school to become a massage therapist, not knowing what all that would entail. I continued to pray if that was what He wanted He would open doors, and if even one door closed I would take it as it was not to be. So, everything just fell into place, just as if God was just one step in front of me taking care of every detail. I was excited and scared all at the same time, because I could not even remember the last time I had to study more than a few hours at one time. So, as July rolled around of 2009, I was all enrolled and planning on starting in September of 2009. On August 16th, God changed my life forever---this was definitely not in my cards that I was holding, but God took those cards and replaced them with His cards. As i was there trying to hold those shattered cards, school was the furthest thing from my mind. As I started to pick up my cards and put the pieces back together in some sorta of way, I realized that I had orientation for school on the 9th of September, and school was to start almost exactly one month after Taylor's accident. I was still praying---God what am I to do, did I actually get this all wrong, was that not You opening all the doors and giving me the peace that I was going in the direction You were guiding---I remember praying saying--You surely don't want me to go now, You know I can't do this---I am so confused. In my praying, I still would continue to get the answer that this still what God wanted me to do---so I decided to go to the orientation. As I sat through that, I thought, I can't do this---my mind was so consumed with grief, I barely knew where I was. I also looked around at the other people there and knew I just wouldn't fit in. I came home, praying, God I am just too tired and sad to even think about this, I must have made a mistake in thinking that is what you wanted me to do, but something deep inside kept saying, no, that is what I want you to do. These classes where on Friday and Saturday, and I really didn't want to do the weekends, so thought if God really wanted me to do this, He would work some other days out. So, I e-mailed the advisor and told her I would not be coming to those classes, but if they ever have classed through the week, let me know--thinking I was off the hook. A couple of weeks later, she e-mailed back and said they were starting a new class in January and this time it was going to be on Wednesday and Thursday and going to be a much smaller class. As I sat there reading that email, I couldn't believe it---thinking God do you really want me to do this, You do remember I am in this terrible journey of grief, I don't think I can----but a little voice was saying, You are right, you can't, but I can. So, I signed up again for the orientation in January of 2010. As it goes with asking people in what they thought I should do, some would say, oh ya, give it a try, or others would say, oh, it is way too soon----in my heart, I would like to have agreed with the ones that said, oh, that is way too soon, but knew God was trying to have me step way out of my comfort zone---way out. This was something i didn't feel ready or able to even think about let alone do. I got up that cold Friday morning and went to orientation. Of course I was praying all through these weeks, that if this is really what God wanted that He would prepare the class for me and me for the class. He did just that, the class was much smaller and most were around my age and felt like perhaps I could fit in. I had one week to decide if I was going ahead with classes or going to withdraw. The feeling just stuck --this is what I want for you-, even though on that first morning I would have given anything to just stay in bed and pull the covers over my head and say, I can't do this. I have to say,-- no, nothing was easy about it---I was still in deep grieving, the textbooks were huge. As I looked through the anatomy book, it almost looked like a foreign language--the only thing that was looking good was the people, they were friendly. For some strange reason, it was sorta a comfort that nobody knew one thing about me----nobody knew a thing about my past, maybe it was a small escape in some way---I could pretend I was "normal". That first quarter was so hard--studying was brutal, some days I would cry almost all the way to school. Two separate times I came home and thought, God, I think I made a mistake here, I just can't handle this terrible grief and all the studying, I just want to quit. I am the type of person that likes signs from God, so each time I would pray for a sign. It was like God was saying how many times do I have to tell you this, --I want you right here for now--so He would so graciously give me just the sign I was asking for if I was to stay. So, I would say to myself, Ok, I will stay one more week. As I look back, I see now, it was good for me, even though at times it was extremely hard trying to get through each day and studying for huge tests, it did help me on some days to focus on something other than all my losses. I tried to pray each day before class that God would prepare me for the class and the class for me. I also prayed that I could be a "light" for God, that they would just know something was different in me---no, most are not Christians---One day, this one guy for some reason started going around the room and asking each of us if we went to church, and most said no, and one said, sometimes, and when he got to me, I said yes I do, and he says every Sunday, and I said yes, and I am in a bible study too, and he looked at me and sorta sighed and said, I use to go, and I really liked it, alot of times it gave me something to think on for days, maybe I should start going again. They pretty much all know that I am different, maybe they just think strange, I am not sure :) but anyway, if they are talking about things they think are not appropriate, they will say, you better not hear this--and I laugh and say, you are right, I better not. This one lady is even starting to say she is praying for people, and one day somebody gave her some money to pay a bill and she looked at me and said, God really does answer prayers. As time went on a few did find out about Taylor, and they just said, I could never get through something like that--and I said, I couldn't either, God is getting me through----so as my year is soon ending, God is amazing, but does that surprise me--not even a little bit!!---He knew just the right place for me, and the perfect timing---He knew it would be one more tool to help me through that terrible first year, and I am praying His name was Glorified in some way in those classes---I pray they could see Him in me and hopefully some day they will want that too. I am now praying,-- that school is just about over, that He will once again open the doors where He wants me to be. I don't care about the money, just some place where I can Glorify His name and help people to maybe feel just alittle bit better.
Yes, I am thankful this Thanksgiving for many, many things---but most of all, that God has picked me, and my family to be His children. He has been so very faithful and granted us just the right amount of Grace each and every day through out this last year. I love you, Jesus, with all of my heart---You are the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords of my heart.
Before I close I just want to give you something to think on---It has stopped me and made me think---What if God treated you-- like you treated Him----and What if God answered your prayers like you answered His calls. I had to think, some days, I could be in big trouble---if God was just too busy to listen, or to help, or carry me through the terrible day-----

Healing??

Healing---just what does that look like----Is that when you can smile again, or maybe even laugh now and then, is it when you can look at pictures and not fall into a puddle of tears, or maybe when memories don't rip your heart out anymore, or maybe still when you can take their clothes out of the closet and dressers and put then in boxes? Healing for me will most likely be a constant long term process til the day we are together again. Some days, I can look at pictures, and smile and other days, it is just too painful to even look at pictures at all. Memories are all very bittersweet. I can't even think about putting his things away yet. I sometimes wonder if the journey of grief is closely related to a chronic pain. At first it is very painful and you are searching for ways to ease the pain, and then you begin wondering is this how I will always feel, how will I ever be able to live with this the rest of my life----all you want is for this pain to go away, for it to go back to the way it was, but you know in your heart that door to normalcy is closed forever and you have to find a new path. I am thankful the acute ache does start to ease somewhat, but that chronic pain is always there---sometimes you can get busy and maybe don't notice it quite as much, but as soon as you get quite it comes right back. You wonder does the day ever come, when you just get use to that pain? No, nobody ever gets use to pain, pain always hurts. I had to think with a physical pain, you can go to the medicine cabinet and take some pain killers to at least dull it for a while, but with a heart pain, you can take as many painkillers as you want but it will not touch the pain that is soaring through your heart. There is only one thing that can dull the pain, or even remove it at least for a while and that is hanging onto God with both hands----His mercies are new each and every day. Even thought i can feel I have used them all up by the time I lay my head on the pillow, the next morning there is more than enough to get me through the day. I am thankful for the Grace that God provides---it is always just the right amount.


I went home to visit mom and dad---I went by myself, so I had many hours while driving to spend with God and just thinking. I am not sure if this was a good thing or not, but I decided to take Taylor's funeral CD with me to listen too. I was somewhat hesitant to put it in, because I knew it would bring back many many memories, but also knew Ron said alot of things that I did not remember but knew most likely i could draw encouragement from. As it started and i heard them start to sing "Precious Memories"---I did think there is nothing "Precious" about this moment, but anyway, I could in my mind see the flashes of that morning all of us gathering around the casket, all the emotion and then lining up behind the casket to go in. As I listened to Ron speak, I realized I did not remember very much of what he said that day----He said things that were so true such as, satan is just waiting to knock you flat, drag you down the lane of despair, anger, discouragement. He related it to us walking down the streets of a beautiful city with tall buildings on each side and satan and his demons in each of those buildings trying to lure us inside. As I thought about that, I realized how true that is. As I am walking down these streets trying to keep my focus on Jesus which is in front of me, satan is standing off to my side waving his arms trying to get my attention to come in and visit his building---he says, no I don't have to stay long, just come visit---he wants me to let my mind just ask a few simple questions, he is saying---no, there is nothing wrong with questions--why should i not be able to ask these questions---, but the problem is-- on this side of heaven there are no answers to many of those questions---and satan knows that. Satan knows if he can get me to come in, maybe even just to the door, he will have me. Like Ron said, never, and I mean never go inside, not even for a little bit, it will be a very hard and a dangerous road back, so focus---focus on Jesus's face. Then he used this Psalm--91. In part it says--"He (Jesus) will cover you with his feathers and under his wings you will find refuge: His faithfulness will be your shield. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you" Ron said, satan can try to get me to ask all the questions he and his demons want to, but if I am focused on Jesus-- Jesus will block every one of those questions from ever entering my mind. Jesus will stand as my shield. If it was not for Jesus standing in for my shield, I would never make it. Also, he used the verse Exodus 14:13-14 that says the same thing--"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. THE LORD WILL FIGHT FOR YOU; YOU NEED ONLY TO BE STILL" It sounds so easy, just stand behind Jesus, but in all reality it is not as easy as it sounds. I had to think there is spiritual warfare going on all around us every day, probably every minute. These are promises God has given us, and even if at times I don't feel them, I just have to believe them in my heart---that is what faith is all about. Even knowing all this, I still find myself slipping not into the buildings of satan, but taking my eyes off of Jesus and maybe slipping off into the grass instead of staying on the narrow sidewalk. As Ron was speaking and saying to the young kids, what if this was your casket up here instead of taylor where would you be. Oh, I thought--how I wish that was true, Taylor would be sitting out in the congregation with his friends and would come home that night for dinner. Ron said God wanted to shake up the community and He picked Taylor-----I had to think all the people that live in Wayne Co, God picks Taylor---Why??, but as I am asking each question in my heart, I find I am getting closer and closer to satan doorway. As satan is waving his arms trying to get and keep my attention on his lies, Jesus is quietly saying in my ear, Look at Me---Get behind Me---I will fight these battles. So, now the choice is up to me. Where is my focus going to be. It is so easy to say "I trust God" or My God is so faithful" but when God takes away one of the most precious things in life, can I still say that and mean it. In adversity there is only one way to go and that is to move though it with Jesus at your side, standing still will only cripple you and eventually cause death. I can truly say, God has been faithful and yes I trust Him with all my heart---if Taylor is going to be taken, what better hands would I ever want him in. Yes, I would like for this pain to stop, wish there was a pill to take to ease it all away, but that is not possible. God is the only one that can ease the pain.
I have only had one dream of Taylor until last night, I was dreaming that we were all together and taylor was there too. The thing was, we all knew this was Taylor's last day, but he was clueless. He was so happy, smiling and yes, he was driving his four wheeler, in fact he was giving little kids rides around the yard. All I could do was stare at his face and kept thinking-- is there any way I can stop this from happening. We really could not touch or even speak with him, but we all knew what was ahead. When I woke up, it was like satan was once again, waving his arms and calling my name to just come visit him again, he had alittle more discouragement, and sadness to happily give me. Jesus was saying quietly look over here at me, I will help you through this dark night---the verse He brought to mind was Isa. 41:13 "For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you---Do Not Fear, I will Help You." After repeating this verse many times, i felt His peace come over me and I could go back to sleep. He did take my hand and walk me through the night. So, yes, I believe grieving a child is like a chronic condition--you learn to live with the pain, but know where your comfort, relieve, and Grace are found. I heard somebody say, that when they lost their child some of the most comforting words were ---I will personalize it for me---"Taylor is much more a part of my future than he was of my past"---how true, i had him for twenty years--yes it feels way to short of time, but when I look at the the whole picture, twenty years will only be a tiny tiny spec in the line of eternity and yes, I get to spend all eternity with him and Jesus our King. So yes, I have a choice and I choose to believe and trust even when I don't feel like it. This chronic pain will not last forever, only a spec of time.

Monday at the Fair

I was not going to go to the fair this year---the memories were just too painful, but then Brooke's friend could not go with her, so she asked me if I wanted to go. It was a beautiful day- a great day for the fair, but did I want to go and let all those memories flood my mind and soul---I just didn't know. In the end I did decide to go with her. I heard the tractor pull going on in the background, but knew that was too painful to go watch. Jeff decided that he wanted to go watch it, and even called us when Craig Marty, (the tractor Taylor would have pulled) was ready to start his pull. I told him, not this year, maybe next year. Just the day before or so, I had gotten into Taylor's truck and was looking in his glove box and came across several pictures of him pulling that he had put in there. He was so proud of them, he had them all nicely tucked away. As i looked at them, my mind floated back to the days he was pulling. Yes, it is so easy to slip back to those days, and find myself missing him so terribly, but then I try to refocus and think yes i love Taylor with all my heart and always will, but God even loves him more and did what was best for Taylor and some day I will see the whole picture---but until then, I just need to trust.
I did find being at the fair was a whole lot easier than last year---yes, it was painful, but not crippling. As we were walking from barn to barn I happened to look up and I seen a boy wearing the "famous Yamaha" Taylor shirt with his racing number and in loving memory on the back. As I got closer I realized that is one friend I had never meet---I did not know this boy. I would have loved to talk with him, but he was busy talking to other people. I asked Brooke if she knew this boy and she also said no. Then as we were getting ready to leave, we ran into two different kids with that same shirt on. We did know these two kids and talked with them a little. I can not explain how it touches my heart that these kids want to keep Tay's memory right up close and personal. It seems like every time we talk with them, there is a new "story" they want to tell us. Yes, Aug 16th changed our lives forever, but I am truly touched how other people remember to pray for us almost every day even though it has been over a year. I ran into another person who said they have Taylor's pic up in their trailer and every time she looks at it, will say a little prayer. Some people say they still pray for us by name every day----God has brought great people into our lives. It has all taught me a new meaning to the word compassion. God has shown me what His love can look like coming through His children----I had to think heaven will be filled with His saints showing this kind of love each an every day and Jesus will be the King of Love and Compassion. Then to finish our day at the fair, as Brooke and I was pulling out of the parking lot, we had to wait for a truck that had a pulling tractor on the back to pass. We both just stared as the tractor went by, our eyes were glued to the big white sticker on the side that said "In Loving Memory of Taylor Gasser"----We followed it all the way home---we both said what are the chances of that happening---but then again, nothing is by chance with God----He wanted us to see it-----Maybe to show us that our hearts have healed some---because last year when we seen that tractor with the sticker on it, it ripped our hearts right out and we thought how will we ever make it. Oh, we knew deep down, God was the only way we would ever be able to put one foot in front of the other, but we were barely hanging on from drowning in grief. As we followed that tractor home, I could see the seat of the tractor very clearly and yes, I did imagine Taylor sitting up there pulling again with a big grin on his face---through the a tear or two, I did have to smile----He loved the tractor pulls, oh, but Heaven is so much better than all of this----watch the eastern skies---Jesus is soon coming back----there is nothing left to happen before the rapture. What a Day That Will Be!! It will be thirteen months tomorrow that we started this journey---one we never planned on taking, but all of this was in God's plan from the day we all were born. What I have learned, God will never send you on a journey alone, He walks right beside you and gives you everything you need to fight the battles.