4-wheeler

It has been awhile since i have written. I will do alittle updating. Summer had some unexpected turns, but then isn't that the way things usually plays out. At the end of may, we were planning on coming to see mom, and warren, steph and her kids were also going to be there. It was going to be a lot of fun, we had not seen steph and her kids in a long time, and mom was really excited for us all to be coming. Brooke and i were leaving as soon as she finished with her last day of school.Warren and steph were already there a couple of days ahead of us.  I was in at Walmart, (the place that seems to get way too much of my money), anyway when my phone rang. I seen it was Warren's cell number, so i just answered it by saying, we are still coming today, just going to be later than I thought. There was a long pause, and he says in a very somber voice, mom took a bad fall this afternoon. I can't explain the pit that hit my stomach at that very instant. This is something i have been afraid that was going to happen and mom has osteoporosis, which makes falls all the more dangerous. I asked how bad was it, and he said, the ambulance just left with her, it wasn't good. He said i heard a pop, so i am pretty sure that her leg/hip is broken, and her wrist is also hurt, but don't know how bad. So needless to say, all i wanted to do is get out of walmart and start for home. All the excitement of going home was gone, and in its place was anxiety of how bad is this. Brooke and I left as soon as possible and finally got to mom's house about 11:30 and by that time Warren was home from the hospital with some updates. He said mom had broken her femur bone, which is the biggest bone in the body and can also be a dangerous one to break, you can bleed to death with a break of a femur bone. But for luck warren was right there when she fell, so she was in the ambulance within 15 minutes of her fall. The next day we all went down to Bloomington where she was hospitalized and now waiting for surgery. We found out her surgery would not be until 4:30 that afternoon. They did have her pretty stabilized, so the pain was manageable. She ended up being in surgery 4 in a half hours. They put a rod in her leg to stabilizes her femur bone, which will stay in there for the rest of her life. Her wrist was shattered, so they had to put external pins (4) in it, which is I guess rare for the arm. The nurses on her floor were scared to change the bandages the next day, so they went and got a long term nurse, and she said she never seen this in an arm, but had seen it in an ankle. She was in the hospital 4 days, then went to Fair View Haven, which is a nursing home for rehabilitation. Seven weeks later she is still there, but recovering nicely. Yesterday they took the pins out, but much physical therapy will be needed on her wrist, and she is now walking with about 50% weight on her leg. I had to think when mom got up that morning, she had all kinds of plans for the day. All kinds of fun things for her and warren, steph and the girls to do. Never did she think that she would not be sleeping in her bed that night, and not even for that night, but many, many nights to come. Her life changed in an instant. We never know God's plans for us on any given day, we can only pray He will give us the Grace to get through them. I  have to say God has answered our many prayers, He has given mom the spirit of.. I will get through this...there has been alot of pain in the healing of all the breaks and now the Physical therapy and occupational therapy, but not once have i ever heard her say, I can't do this or I am tired of all this pain. I do believe God gives us trials to strengthen us and develop us to be more like Him, but He never, not even for a moment leaves our side. She has been an inspiration to me as I have talked with her on the phone and visited many hours with her at the nursing home. I have treasured many memories that I have tucked away in my heart that I will have forever.

Now on to why i titled this 4wheeler. We decided to sell taylor's 4wheeler, yes the very one that he had his accident with. It carries so many memories, some good and of course some that are right down tragic. It has been sitting out in our shed for the last three years, occasionally Spenc would get it out and ride it, once in a great while one of tay's friends would come over and want to drive it, but mostly it just sat there as a reminder. Yes, a reminder of what, the good times, or the terrible times. I guess it had some of both. I remember so many times tay out on the drive so busy cleaning it up and i would go out and talk with him. But on other days, i can just stand and stare at it with the thought running through my mind, this is the very last thing Taylor touched here on this earth. I can so easily see him in my  mind racing around our yard, even doing some jumps in the back yard. It made a lot of noise, and that is just what he loved, the more noise the better in his mind. i can remember on summer days when I would have the windows open, and he drove by, I could not even hear anyone who might be talking. Now, one of Taylor's good friends asks if we would ever sell taylor's 4wheeler. I asked everyone how they felt, and at first some were not sure they wanted to do that, and I agree it does feel like everytime we sell something big of Taylor's we are "losing" another part of him. But we all decided that if we are going to sell it, it would feel the best to be going to one of his friends. So, we decided to sell it. When this friend came over and we pulled it out of the shed for him to see it again, we all just stood there staring, all lost in our own thoughts of the memories this 4wheeler brought back. After a few minutes this kid said, "when I use to  ask taylor if i could drive his 4wheeler, he would always say no, you might wreck it", we all had to smile alittle, because we could just see tay saying that. Then this kid says something that touched my heart, he said "I want you to know, every time I ride this, I will think of taylor and I know he will ride with me". We took taylor's racing stickers off and kept them. The night came when he and a friend came to pick up the 4wheeler, i just watched as they loaded it into his pick-up..i remembered so many times when taylor would do the exact same thing before taking it somewhere. This kid even reminded me of Taylor, his build is the same, his mannerism is the same. He gave me a hug when he was getting ready to leave and said anytime we wanted to see it again, or if spenc wanted to drive it, just let him know and he will bring it over. I just stood there and watched as they drove down the lane with taylor's 4wheeler all strapped in the back, it felt like a little piece of me went with them. It was a very sad moment. I was once again thinking of all the losses and how much i missed taylor. Our God is always right beside us and does provide for every need. A couple of days later, i was emailing another one of his friends, saying I have not seen you in a while and was just wondering what has God been doing in your life. It was sorta neat, i had not thought about this girl in a while, and God just brought her to mind and said get in touch with her. I really thought God wanted me to talk with her to perhaps encourage her, because her mom had told me some time before that she was struggling with her relationship with God. God's ways are almost always do different from ours. That was not at all what God had planned...yes, he wanted me to contact her, but it was for her to encourage me. It was for God to talk to me through her. I was telling her how selling the 4wheeler was a very sad moment for me, and i was missing Taylor alot, i was having a hard time letting go of another big thing of Taylor's, in fact it was something he truly loved. She wrote back and said, 

• Deb, yes Tay's fourwheeler was the last physical thing he touched..... but more importantly he touched so many lives here on earth. I like to think of it as a ripple effect.... starting with him and expanding out through everyone that he impacted.... for example tay - me- and now Justin..... I often get asked Wat does the sticker on my car mean 614? And who is Taylor Gasser? It's the starting of a new ripple effect everytime..... I tell people Tay's story and your family's testimony..... you can just see how it impacts them.... even for a short while. Tay might not be here physically on earth.... but he is still doing God's work from heaven through everyone he impacted.... I hope you see it too! :) I will defiantly be over soon :)

God came up beside  me to remind me again, tay's accident was no "accident", it was His perfect plan and God has and will continue to use it to bring Glory to His Name. I especially loved how she said tay doing God's work even from Heaven. Yes, there will always be a huge hole in my heart, but that is only here on earth, we will be back together soon, very soon. I continue to pray that God will use Tay's life and death to Glorify His Name.

Spring time

It seems that winter has turned into spring, even though we didn't have much of a winter. I really like spring time. All God's creation is coming to life again. The trees have light green buds on them, the wild flowers are sprouting up, the grass is turning that deep green. As I was out walking in the woods the other day, I just had to take notice of this beauty. God gave us the change of seasons just for our enjoyment. When I was walking in the woods, it seemed that I was all alone, just me and the wild life. I could hear all the birds "talking", I saw a family of deer walking through the woods, many chipmunks. It was in the "cool" of the day, just like when God would come and talk to Adam in the Garden of Eden. It was so extemely peaceful, I could almost feel God walking with me, and sometimes I can almost "hear" His voice talking with me. I had to think, this is just a little piece of Heaven here on earth. I am so looking forward to the "real" thing someday
We just passed another birthday for Taylor. He would have been 23 on the 1st of April. He would have been growing from a boy into a young adult. I often wonder just what he would  be doing, would he be dating, maybe even perhaps thinking about getting married. The thought even crossed my mind, do they celebrate birthdays in Heaven, then decided most likely not..there is no measure of time there. After that first year when we celebrated his 21st birthday with all his friends, we decided to keep his birthday mostly a personal/family thing. It is always a hard time..time filled with memories of the day he was born until the day of his accident. I got some balloons to let off, and several birthday banners, one to put out at the cemetery and one at the site. As I took the banner and balloon out to the site, I was very touched to see that some of his friends had already been there. In fact, they had put some time and effort into the site. Some of his friends had taken a bunch of rocks and built up the place where they had placed the  cross. Over the last several years, the water had started to wash part of it away, but they did not want it to all disappear, so they built a wall of rocks to protect it. They have taken the time and fixed it all up, they tied a balloon saying happy birthday, put in some of Taylor's favorite things, like a little tractor, flowers, and an angel. As I stood there looking at it, it really just touched my heart to know, Taylor touched their hearts so deeply, even years later they remember his birthday. Spencer had worn a T-shirt to Wayne College that has Yamaha on the front (taylor's favorite name) and "in loving memory of Taylor Gasser" on the back. As Spenc was walking out of class, this guy probably in his 30's came up to Spenc and says "Do you know Taylor?" Spenc says, "Yes, he was my brother, did you know him?".  This guys says, "well, I really did not know him personally, but I heard about him. He continued and said, I was working in my house that I just bought that was right beside where the accident happened that night."  I thought it was rather amazing that this man, remembered Taylor's name after almost three years. Yes, you would probably remember that "some kid" got killed on his fourwheeler on a hot summer night, but to remember his name...it had to have made a mark in his memory.
This was a rather hard week or two, his birthday, then we also sold his "danger" ranger. We sold his truck. If that truck could talk, it would probably be able to tell stories for a week straight. I just heard a few from his friends that would come to visit us. They all brought a smile to our faces. Even though Taylor acted like he hated this truck, way too small for him to "burn" any rubber. He often said to me, he thinks his truck is a one wheel drive, it goes so slow. We took lots of pictures of this truck, but i am sure we will never forget it. I can't tell you how many times this truck has hit the ditch, even though tay acted like it had no power, he seemed to have a hard time keeping it on the road. Jeff took it to  the Kidron auction and sold it. Jeff took videos of the auctioneer selling it. Yes, it did bring a tear to  my eye watching it sell and spenc then handing the keys to the buyer.
I must have forgotten to post this entry, because when i came back to this page i seen it was not posted, so it is alittle behind .

Changes

Does life ever catch up to change, or are we always trying to adjust to change? I have come to the conclusion that when life finally does catch up, our work here on earth is done and God is calling us home. Change is one way God moves us closer to Him and makes us more like His Son. Nobody is all that crazy about change, but God will use it for our good.  No, I will never totally adjust to the change of  Taylor not being with us, but especially through all the Christmas festivities. That is one time of the year that his absence is very keenly felt. This was one change in my life, I was not sure I would survive, but God came right alone beside me and picked me up and carried me many times. My life has never been the same, but God has used his death to touch many people, and some has even given their hearts to Jesus. I will say even for myself, I have moved to a place with God that I never would have found without this terrible tragedy in my life, so yes God has picked up the pieces of my heart and used it for good....just like His promise says Rom 8:28.."God will use ALL thing for the good of those who love Him and been called to His purpose". It  still amazes me how fairly often one of his friends will just say to me how much they miss him and think about him. A couple days before Christmas, I went out to the site and I could see that somebody had been there and decorated his cross for Christmas.This has always been a prayer of mine..Please God do not let the kids forget how fragile life is, the young sometimes die seeming way before they should.  It does truly make me feel good that they have not forgotten him, no, we never will, but to think these 20 year kids still take time to remember him. He had a great bunch of kids that called him their friend. This being the third Christmas without him, I thought to myself, I feel like we have done a measure of healing, maybe even catching up to change in a small way, but God moved us to the next point of change. On December the 2nd, my dad died on the way to the hospital. He had knee surgery on Oct 17th. We went home to spend time with him and mom. He was in the hospital then to the nursing home for rehap. After a couple of weeks, and he was doing pretty well, we decided to go back home. When I was telling him good bye, and that I was planning on coming back in a month or so, he answered with a statement that was so much more true than I ever dreamed at the time. He said "I will not be here when you come back." I said, "well, where are you going to be?" He says, "I will be in eternity." I said, "in that case, be sure to look Taylor up." He looks at me and smiles and says, "He will be the first one I look up." Little did I know that would be the last words I would say to him. On December the 2nd early in the morning, I get a call from my sister saying they are taking dad to the hospital, he is bleeding internally. Then about 15 minutes later, I get a tex from my brother saying, dad did not make it to the hospital. It was early in the morning, so I just laid in bed and tried to imagine just what all dad was experiencing. He just finish his very last battle, he just laid all his armor down and was on his way to see Jesus and Taylor. Just what would that be like!!! I had to think, was Taylor standing on the shores of heaven, right behind Jesus waiting to give his grandpa a big hug. I could not help but feel just alittle bit jealous of dad, he was on his way where I have thought about so very often since Taylor's accident.
After, a few minutes, it really hit me, I never got to say "good bye" to my dad either. I was remembering when Taylor died, I was 7 hours away, out at mom and dad's, and when dad died, I was again 7 hours away. So, again we had to make that long seven hour drive to say "good bye" to somebody we loved. We had to help mom make the arrangements, at times it brought back so many memories, I could hardly take it. I was not sure I would be able to go into the casket room to pick one out for dad, but decided God would help me fight my fears. I went in, and did pretty well, until I came around the corner and seen the exact casket that we picked for Taylor. At this point, the memories came pouring back, almost like we were standing once again at Gillmans'. I found that, yes the memories can bring tears and sadness, but they were not overwhelming and all consuming like they once were, but with the power of God's Grace I was doing fairly well. There is always that first terrible moment when you see them in the casket. It is almost like your eyes are playing tricks on you, and your mind wants to keep saying this is not true. But after that terrible first moment, my eyes settled on dad's face, and my mind went to thinking once again.. dad, what are you seeing right now...Was Jesus the first one you seen, is Taylor with you...was he glad to see you...is it more beautiful than any eye has ever seen, what is the singing like. These are all questions as of yet, but someday the veil will be lifted and I will for myself. What a glorious day that will be.  For the funeral, we were trying to decide if we wanted to have them sing "Amazing Grace when they wheeled dad out of the church, this would have been the same song we had for Taylor. Was this too much for us, would the memories at this point be too overwhelming, plus this is final time before we go to the cemetery, or would it be a comfort, it is a beautiful song, and the words fit perfectly, that is exactly how each of us will ever get to heaven..God's Amazing Grace. This song has helped me through some really rough times, but there are some really painful memories wrapped up in it too. As we talked about it, we decided that the comfort of that song out weighed the pain...at least we hoped it would when the time came. The time always comes, which we all dread the most, time to say our final "good bye" to dad here on earth. It always feels like part of my heart is being ripped out. I guess, in a way that is true. Each one that I love dies takes a part of my heart with them. I will never understand how a person that does not know Jesus gets through death of a person they love, or worse if that person did not even  know Jesus...now that would  truly be mourning without hope. The service was very nice, well what I can remember of it, but I do remember very clearly when Marvin stood up and said, "now we will have the choir sing Amazing Grace, the same song that Leroy's grandson, Taylor was escorted out on in 2009." Well, did we make it out without tears....not even a little bit...but was glad to say that we did all make it out still standing. That was alot more painful than I imagined, but at the same time very comforting.
As we all know, life here on earth was never to be all fun and games, but God is maturing us day by day. Some storms are like little thunder storms, light rains alittle wind, but other storms, can be bright lightening, hail and hard pounding rains and some can be devastating tornadoes and flatten everything. At times I can feel like I am in those types of storms. Sometimes I can feel like the disciples in the boat when that big storm came upon them, and the boat was rocking from side to side and they thought they were going to drown.  Peter sees Jesus and gets out of the boat and starts to walk on water toward Jesus. Peter was fine walking on water as long as he kept his eyes focused on Jesus, but as soon as he looked at the crashing waves coming his way, he lost focus of Jesus and started to drown. I had to think that is exactly the way I am. I have often felt like I was in a boat being tossed from side to side and very soon the boat is going to capsize and I am going overboard, and probably most likely drown. In the misted of a storm, as I am looking frantically around for something to hang onto, but when my eyes lock with Jesus, I feel myself calming down, and starting to feel safe. I can even start to climb out of the boat, because I don't even notice the waves all around me, as long as I keep my focus on Jesus. But why is it I can not keep my focus there, but out of the corner of my eye, I start to see this danger, another big waves is moving closer and about to knock me completely flat. I take my eyes off Jesus to take a better look at this wave (my circumstances), and I start to feel this fear, panic again, because this wave is heading right for me and it is huge...now my eyes are completely off Jesus and onto the wave (circumstances,) then like Peter I start to go under.... Jesus in His compassion and mercy reaches out his arms and just picks me up and holds me, and will whisper in my ear...You of little faith. If only I could keep my focus on Jesus, no matter the size of the waves, fear would never win. What a God we serve, What an awesome God.

Brooke's wedding day

Brooke's wedding was July 30th. I prayed so hard that God would be so present on this day...also, who wants to enter marriage without God being the most important Guest there, but also, I knew it was going to be an emotional day. A day where family is suppose to be all together to celebrate a very happy occasion, but Tay was not going to be there. God answered my prayers, God was there and very present and I do think He brought a little of Taylor with him. It was suppose to be a stormy and rainy weekend, but guess what God gave us instead..ya sunny skies. We had a lot of people that were going to be traveling from many different states....all arrived and got back home safely. The only mishap was BJ's mom gave her sister her car keys for safe keeping, and forgot to get them back from her sister before the sister left and flew back to CA. So, BJ's mom was stuck in Seville with her keys in CA, but God worked it all out in a day or so.
Spencer and Mark were ushers..and if I say so  myself, they both looked rather handsome, but I could not keep myself from thinking, Tay should be there ushering with Spenc. My mind went back 6 years ago when one of Warren's daughter's got married and she asked Taylor to usher. He was so excited to look so important all dressed up in a tux, he did not care he did not have a clue how to usher..that people actually do have specific places to be seated. In fact, when the church was getting full, and he did not know where to put the later comers, he forgot and put them where grandma and grandpa were suppose to sit.
I prayed that in some way, maybe God would just let me feel Taylor's presence ...I sometimes wonder does God ever let the ones that are so much a part of us, look down on happy occasions---I believe He does.... God did plant little things into our hearts and minds that we could do to "bring" Taylor into the wedding with us. This was not a memorial for Taylor, but a celebration of two hearts that God had brought together 5 years ago. We put a picture of Taylor along side a burning yellow candle up on the alter. It burned off to the side of the unity candle. As I sat on that front bench watching Brooke and BJ's repeating their vows, I could also see Taylor's face smiling back at me....it just made it feel like he was present in spirit with us. Brooke had decided to carry a single sunflower tucked into her wedding bouquet in memory of Taylor...that was his favorite flower. She also picked the sunflower to give to the mothers. When she came over and hugged me and handed me the sunflower....a few tears could not help but run down my cheeks. As I watched Spenc and others "decorate" their vehicle, I again thought how Taylor would have loved that...He was always one filled with ideas to play tricks on others.  Yes, there were moments when my mind and heart could not help but feel his loss, but I must say with a grateful heart...God blessed the day and there were many, many happy moments and memories. Brooke's husband is a deeply spiritual man, and for that I am very thankful...don't we all pray that our kids will marry a guy/girl that loves the Lord with all of their hearts. The one thing I didn't pray for was that he would be in the navy. That sounded like they would not be living in Ohio...since there is not much water close by...if they would have said a rainy state...ohio would have been in the top three...so  that was going to mean they will either be on the west coast or east. God would give me time to adjust to that thought, since BJ is in training in Chicago and Brooke is living at home working and finishing her masters program, but then what?? I must admit I have had a really hard time with this. I kept wanting to pray that God would in some way take BJ out of this program, which is a very dangerous one. I kept thinking can Brooke, or for that matter any of us take the stress of always wondering where he is, is he ok..will he come back in one piece or even will his personality be the same or will it  be totally different..will they have taught him to completely emotionally detach from any situation. I kept thinking..God just what are you trying to teach us...in fact I wanted to whine alittle and just say...didn't we learn enough hard lessons with losing Taylor, but I found that when I would try to pray my "will" God would very quietly whisperd in my ear..."Don't you trust Me to know what is best." I stressed many days, looking at once again all that could possibly be taken away. Brooke could be living 1,000's of miles away, grandkids that I could possibly only see once a year, but God just kept whispering in my ear.."Trust Me." I was pretty much like Moses, I could come up with a hundred excuses why I really did not think this is the best place for BJ and Brooke, it all looked so stressful and hard, would any of us be able to get through another death, so please God can you help me out here. All God kept saying was "Trust Me".  I knew if I was ever going to have that indescribable peace in my heart about this, that was exactly what I was going to have to do...surrender it all to God. So, I did what Jeremiah 29:13-14 says.." You will seek and find Me when you will seek Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, Declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity." That was when I could finally say..God I know You will do what is best for each of us..Yes, I trust You. No, I don't know what the next step is for them, but God is in our tomorrow and He does. I have found over and over happiness and joy have not much in common. Happiness is fleeing, it goes and comes with circumstances, joy can be long lasting and has nothing to do with circumstances, it is all within the heart where God is found.

Passing more Landmarks

It has been a long time since I have visited this blog site..is it because it brings back so many terrible memories, or have I healed enough that I don't feel the need to journal as much? I would probably have to answer that question with yes to both options. We have gone through several more landmarks since I have blogged last. I have heard some say the second year is even harder than the first, but I am happy to say I do not feel this way. That first year and all the landmarks that went with it was heart wrenching and very painful, not saying this second year is easy, but I seem to have more good days than bad...or maybe I should say the pain went from acute to an intense longing. I long for the day to be reunited with Taylor, and of course that means, I will also be in the presence with our Great Master and King.
We pasted the second anniversary of Tay's death..Aug 16th. This is such a different feeling than celebrating his birthday. They are both hard, but in different ways...his birthday, I find myself thinking about the day he was born, and his life, all the things he enjoyed, his personality, his smile, what he would have been like today, would he soon be getting married, but his death date is all about that terrible week. I find myself thinking about what the week before was like, all the conversations I had with him, the things I did with him and then what I was doing that day...how happy we were at Dawn's wedding, just being all together, then came the call that changed my life forever. That was all bad enough, but then the next week is engraved in my mind forever. I must also say, yes the memories of that week are filled with horror memories, but also, it was a time in my life that I have never felt God so close...I could almost feel His arms physically around me holding me up. I have often thought, where would I have been today if I did not know Jesus. would I have just became a shell walking around, would I have become addicted to pills, pills to get up, pills to go to sleep. I am not saying it is easy by any means, but God provides just enough Grace for each day...some days I need alot to get through and others not as much.
I guess, I sorta thought that his friends would maybe.. not forget.., but move on and this would all be a terrible memory, but several came to see me around the anniversary date, and we just talked about Taylor, some were funny memories, some were really sad memories. Some wrote memories on his facebook page, which i find myself really liking...I find out things about his personality that I never seen as clearly as his friends did . Us and Max's family went out to the cemetery to spend some time remembering. Max had a prayer that touched each of our hearts. We let off balloons, we all just watched them drifting off to heaven, some went really fast..straight up and out of sight quickly, others just drifted slowly upward. I had to think that is sorta the way we are, some have a direct focus..all we want to do is get there as quickly as possible, others have the same focus, want to get to heaven, but if it takes alittle more time that is fine too. A few of his friends came out to the cemetery too, we really did not give a special invitation to anyone, but some of his friends just drifted out there on this terrible day, just to remember the friend they had lost two years ago. It did make me feel really good that they came out to remember tay...he isn't forgotten in the hearts of his friends, but lives on. This year was different from last year besides it being the second year instead of the first...his tombstone was up. It just made it all so very real....this is our reality..his smiling face looking back at us...his name and birthday engraved in stone, then under that, the date of his death. Almost every time I read the poem we found to put on the back of his stone, it brings tears to my eyes...as soon as we seen this poem, we knew this was the one to put on...it fits so perfectly, almost like it was written for his tragedy. On this anniversary, I did get several cards that said they were thinking and praying for us...it always brings a smile to my heart when somebody tells me they are praying for us...because I know that is the one things that will absolutely carry me through the bad days and also bring the sun out on the good days. I even had the courage to go back and open up and read some of cards that were sent to us during those very hard days. Was it encouraging....I don't know for sure, the one thing I do know is it brought tears and a lot of memories back...but it also brought the thought hundreds and hundreds of people were praying for us and I do have to say God did speak very clearly through some of the messages written.....so I guess it did bring some type of encouragement.
Another event that we passed for the second time was the fair. Fair time is very bittersweet for me. Taylor loved the fair, he could hardly wait for it to come each year and when it did, he spent every spare moment there. His most favorite part was on Monday afternoons when they had the county tractor pull. He would invite all his friends to come and watch..whether they liked the pull or just wanted to support Tay, alot of them would show up and sit in the grandstand...when Tay would get up to the starting line they would all yell, scream, and whistle as loud as they could. The funny part was, it did not matter if Tay did well or not, they acted like he won the race. I can see him as clear as if it was yesterday, sitting there in line on his tractor with his favorite white cap on, trying not to look nervous waiting in line for his name to be called. I have videos of his pulls, but as of yet, I have not found the strength or courage to watch them...maybe some day. I have found it is just much easier not to go to the fair on those Mondays....I have never watched another pull, but just hearing them call out the names and the length of the pulls is just too much of a reminder what I have lost, so I pick a different day for the fair.
There was one more very big occasion where Tay's absent was very acutely felt and that was on July 30, Brooke's wedding day. I will make that another post.
Would I say that time heals wounds? I would say more that time puts a scab over the wound, but it never completely heals, there are occasions and moments where that scab gets ripped open some, and it bleeds...the time when it will be completely healed with not even a scar will be the day I meet him on heaven's shores.
I will end with a couple of quotes that I thought had a lot of meat to them, if you take a few minutes to think on it

"Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a course of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead"

The one that really touched my heart is this one "Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing, but to turn it into His Glory

Another Birthday--2011--22nd birthday

Once again the change of seasons are upon us----what does that mean, well, it means it is once again Taylor's birthday. He would have been 22-I had to think, just what would he have been doing, where would he have been working, what changes would I have seen in him as he was maturing from a boy into a young man. We didn't know quite what to do this year for his birthday, but just knew we wanted something much quieter than last year. We decided to just get balloons and ask Max's family to meet us at the cemetery to let them off and just do some reflecting on the past year. We all said happy birthday, Taylor, as we each let our balloon go off towards heaven, then later went over to Max's. Max's all left as us four just stood there around Taylor's grave all lost in our own thoughts. My thought first went to that hot, humid afternoon as some stood, while others knelt around his casket for the last time, feeling like our hearts had just been ripped out of our chest and all that was left was a big empty hole- and feeling like would we even make it until the next moment. It has been 20 months since that afternoon, but it was amazing how I could feel every emotion as intensely as if it was that very day. As I stood there looking at his picture, I had to think, just what are you doing today, Taylor? Birthdays mean nothing to you now, time is of no essence-one day is as beautiful as the next, no more sorrow, pain, tears, but instead spending time with Jesus!!! My mind slipped back to what Ron said at Taylor's funeral,--the death of Taylor is like an amputation--as I though more on this, I realized just how true this is. One day earlier that week I was listening on WCRF to a couple who lost their only son, who was five in an accident--and a friend said to him, don't let any one tell you that you will get over this in time, because you won't, but you will learn to live a new normal, then he used the same analogy as Ron, this is like an amputation. It is so true, I will never get over this-like I would never get "over" if my leg was amputated. I would be reminded in every step I took, that something was missing-my leg. Yes, I can lived a fairly normal life with only one leg, but I will never run and jump again. I am trying to learn to live with the "amputation" but must say some days all I can think about is how would it feel to have my "leg" back again. Maybe it is harder right now, because of his birthday and also we have picked out his tombstone. Going picking it out, was once again reality slapping me in the face. When I was standing there looking at these tombstones and trying to imagine what Taylor's name written big across the top and his smiling face etched in stone would actually look like. The thought would keep running through my mind--this can't be true, can't this be a nightmare that I can soon wake up from. The guy just called me today, to say that the drawing is finished and we can come view it before they etch it in the stone---I had to think this is the very last thing we will ever buy for Taylor, my heart just aches thinking about that--but again, I am feeling sorry for my losses, Taylor is safely home. It just has been a hard several weeks. Jeff was out in the garage cleaning up one of the fourwheelers the boys had several years earlier. He had me come out to see how great it looked after he took the time to wash it and paint it up to get ready to sell. As I stood there looking at it, so many memories ran through my mind--like when spencer and taylor would ride this one around the yard, laughing and chasing each other. I even got brave enough to ride on the back of it with them sometimes. They had so much fun trying to scare me to death going over jumps and around curves really fast---i have to admit, it worked it did scare me, but the more, I would squeeze my arms around their waist and scream in their ears to slow down, they would only go faster, laughing all the way. At times like these, I just want to scream ---I don't want this to be true, I want my old normal back, I don't like this new normal that I am forced to live in, but I realize I can only visit this place I can not stay here, or satan will have me right where he wants me--beaten up and destroyed. I realize that satan likes nothing more than to knock me completely flat and I must admit some days he does just that, but Jesus will always come along and pick me up, brush me off, bind up the wounds that satan has caused. I love the thought that satan can not do anything to me unless he goes ask Jesus permission. Jesus will not grant satan permission to do anything that can't be used for God's Glory and me good---but of course that last part I have a choice in---"get better or get bitter".

Life is Full of Changes

Winter soon will be drawing to a close and spring will be bring new life once again. As much as I like spring, it also brings Taylor's birthday. Not that I don't like his birthday, it can bring alot of great memories, but also some really sad ones. I can hardly believe he would have been 22, but actually in my mind he will be forever 20. He will always have that young face, with that famous grin on it. I often wonder just what would he have been doing by now--he would have graduated college, but then I remind myself, he does not have to worry about any of that, his days are filled with pure perfection in everywhere he goes and everything he does. I had a dream about Taylor the other night and I was not sure what it meant, if anything. It just kept sticking in my mind, was it satan trying to play games with my mind and heart, which is what it felt like. I also know playing any games with satan, I will most certainly lose-I can only be on the winning side with Jesus as my shield. I know my best defense is prayer, so that is exactly what I did. I am a person of signs....i often pray that God will direct me through "signs". I don't usually pray for specific signs, just something clear that I know without a doubt that He is talking to me. I was praying He would give me a peace about this dream if it was just satan's plan to pull me down into the "pits". I had nothing in mind, but knew He would speak something in someway, but didn't know when or how. As we were standing in church singing the praise songs before the service, they finish with the last song--Amazing Grace--(I am sure this was no accident) At first all I could focus on was all the memories of the funeral and Taylor being wheeled down the aisle at church for the last time on this song, but about half way through the song, God whispers in my ear, " this is the answer to your prayer, remember how I have spoken to you through this song from the very beginning, always letting you know I am right beside you- and this time is no different, I am right here and yes, it was just a dream, ---Don't let satan win the battle in getting grips on your peace." By this time tears were streaming down my cheeks, the song brought back so many memories, but the one I like to hold on to the most is that God has spoken so clearly through this song of His presence and comfort. How true is this--To have God on our side doesn't mean sailing on a boat without any storms--it means having a boat no storm can sink.

Life is full of changes---some are small which will make very little difference, and then there are some that are life changing. Brooke and BJ announced their engagement a few days after Christmas. They plan to get married this summer. Yes, I am happy for her, but I would be lying if I said I am not also some what sad. We were always close, but since Taylor's accident, we have tried to make every minute count, because like we so quickly found out--you can be here one minute and gone the next....sometimes no time to even say good-bye. BJ right now is in the navy and by this fall his four year tour will be up, but he is deciding if he is going to re-enlist into the special forces, which would make it another six years and they will be either stationed on the east coast (Virginia) or west coast (CA). My first gut reaction is, God, no-no--You can't take her away, not that far---that is going to make another big hole in the family--no, nothing comparable to Taylor, but still a very sizable whole-- just how often will we get to see her, if they are in CA. I have often prayed that God would provide deeply spiritual spouses for my kids, and He did answer that prayer, but not quite like I thought, but isn't that just God---I have found that God seldom if ever answers my prayers like I expect, or alot of times would have liked, but have found that in the end, it was a much better way---so again, I am praying this is the case. I lean very heavily on the verses Prov. 3:5-6 which says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding: in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." When they first got engaged, I didn't do so well, I found myself often thinking what is this going to be like, with her 3,000 miles away, and my prayer became self-centered--I found myself praying--please God just make it so they can live around here, maybe like he will flunk all the test to get into the special forces. Then one night as i was praying, God quietly whispered in my ear, let Me handle this, just put it all in My hands---surrender your will to Me---so that is exactly what I did, well, lets say i am trying to do just that. Not only will I miss her terribly, but if he makes it into the special forces, it will extremely dangerous, and my thoughts often drift to how Brooke knows all about death and how devastating it is---how would she ever survive another one that was that close to her. I could feel myself starting to let satan use his most favorite tools, fear, worry and anxiety. I knew I could nothing to change all the "what if's", and so like the many times before where did I find peace----surrendering it all into God's hands. Whether God allows him to be in the forces or whether he flunks the tests---I know God will do what is best for each of us, and yes, there may be some hard times, but God promises to be with us and take care of all our needs---I hang onto each and every one of God's promises. I heard this somewhere and thought how true it is--God closes doors no man can open & God can open doors no man can close. Like God has told us, don't worry about tomorrow, it has enough worries all of its' own,---but also God told us He is already in our tomorrows just like the verse Det.31:81 says "The Lord himself goes before me and will be with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged." I am so thankful that we all rest in the palms of Jesus's hands, because if I was to do this all on my own, I would be consumed by everything but peace.