Today is Saturday, and a beautiful day it was. I love to go for a walk over at Johnson woods, and today was a perfect day to do that. God will sometimes talk to me there
or just give me an exteme peace. Diane and I are planning on going back to Forrest tomorrow for several days to see Mom and dad. How do I feel about that----well, I have very mixed feelings. I love spending time with them, and know time is probably growing short for those visits. But on the other hand, it was in their dining room where I got that fateful call that Saturday night about Taylor. Just even getting out my suitcase this afternoon to pack, a little shake went through my body, such powerful memories are attached to that room. I am not sure how I will feel walking into their house, I hope God will give me the Grace to not feel those feelings of intense shock and pain like I had that night and when we left. God has promised to give Grace where Grace is needed and I will be praying for His Grace tomorrow---and I know who ever sees this will also being praying for us. Again, you wonder if God lets the ones in Heaven look down to see their family on earth every now and then. I have thought alot over the past three months, if I could only just hug Taylor and talk with him one more time. The other night, I had a dream that I turned around and there stood Taylor----He looked so cute, with that famous smile on his face. Anyway, he walked over to me and gave me a big hug, and said "have a good time in Illinois", then I woke up.. I just layed there and thought, God why did you do that, I am not ready for that, but then I started to remember how it felt to hug him and for him to put his arms around me. It was very bittersweet. I knew I would not sleep anymore that night, I just kept seeing his smiling face and felt his body in my arms. I really do not know if I was ready for that or not, because it made me very sad, I just wanted to go back to sleep and dream it all over again. Maybe Taylor knows we are going back out to mom and dad's and this is going to be very hard for me, and he just wanted me to have a good time and not be sad ( well easier said than done), but maybe I can just remember his words and his smiling face and his big hug, or maybe it is just too sad to think about it. As you can see, I want dreams about Taylor, but they are so painful, that maybe I am better off not having them..
Today had moments of sadness. I decided since it was almost December, it was time to change summer clothes to winter clothes. I keep alot of the off season clothes in a cedar chest----As I was digging down inside to pull the clothes out, I got a handful of Taylor's clothes. I just held them in my hands and looked at them with teary eyes (no, this time I did not smell them, instead of smelling him, I just would have gotten a huge whiff of cedar). My heart just ached, it just made me want to go look at his picture---it is almost like my mind has to make sure I have not forgotten one little detail of his face. I did decide to put his pants into a bag for Goodwill, that was a step for me, but I kept everything else for now. I know this is crazy, but giving stuff away, almost seems like I am giving part of Taylor away, and that is the last thing I want to do.
God did give me Grace to get through Thanksgiving Day. The day before Thanksgiving I spent either in tears or on the verge of tears most of the day. I just felt so sad and my heart just ached to see and be with Taylor. I kept thinking how will I ever get through Thanksgiving. I did not want to be crying all day, I wanted the kids to remember the first Thanksgiving after Taylor's death as being maybe sad, but not disastrous. I prayed really hard that morning that God would give me the strength and Grace to get through the day, and actually the day could have maybe even a little bit of joy in it. But when I first got up, I felt pretty sad, and again pretty teary, i did not go to church, because I just did not think I could hold up very well, probably just be a puddle of tears. I decided to stay home and do my bible study of Beth Moore, then I went up to get dresses and while I am getting ready, it was like God said, I just want you to do down and just open the Bible up and read where I open it. So, I did just that, I opened up to Isaiah 55:8 which says" For my thoughts are not your thoughts neither are your ways my ways. Verse 9 As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" Ok, so I thought, God said about His thoughts being higher than mine twice, so He was once again telling me Just know, My plan is perfect, I know you are sad today, and want Taylor with you, but trust Me. Then verse 11 says "so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." God used Taylor's death to touch many people's hearts. It was so sudden and he was so young, God got people's attention. Mom was telling me that a friend of hers for many many years, in fact us kids grew up with her kids started to repent a couple of weeks ago. She is probably 75 or so and had went to church all her life, but never could quite surrender her heart to Jesus. Her husband even repented a year or so ago, and she still didn't. Satan had won the battle with her, by having her keep thinking she had time and tomorrow would be soon enough. Well, somebody gave her Taylor's funeral tape to listen to and when they went back to see if she listened to it yet. This friend said, yes, she listened to it twice and said "if you are going to repent now is the time" and she gave her heart to Jesus and now is on the winning side forever. Praise to Jesus, our King of Kings, Lord of Lords----His mercy is shown here--- she lived 75 years rejecting Him. so like the verse says, it will not return empty, it will accomplish what I desire. Then the verse 12 says" you will go out in joy and be led forth in peace, the mountains and hills will burst into song before you and all the trees of the field will clap their hands." God will get me through this journey and bring joy again, I am not sure what the trees of the fields clapping their hands will look like :), but I will take it, it has to be better then where we are now. So, after God showing me all this, I was in a much better mood and the day went better than I thought it might. We went to Diane's then for Thanksgiving. We had some sad moments, but we did not dwell there. We talked about Taylor, in fact we did go to the cemetery for a little bit and also out to the site. I just have to keep my sights on Jesus and not look off to the right or the left. I had to think, if God would have asked Taylor would you give your life that your friends and others will finally see their sin and decided to surrender it all to Me so they can life in Heaven with Me and you forever, would you do it. I can see Taylor get that sheepish grin on his face and say "weeeellllll, I guess so.
I wish I could say that I can keep focused on Jesus and what He is constantly telling me---Trust Me, I know what I am doing, My plan is perfect, you will see one day---but I can't, I am human, and the pain of losing Taylor is with me every day, but with God's help, I pray it will not over take me. Please pray for us tomorrow and the next several days while we are out in Illinois. I know it is probably going to be some rough waters to get through, but God will not let us drown. He has promised us that. Praise be to the name of God forever and ever, wisdom and power are His.