Monday, October 5, 2009
Grief Sharing
we went to Grace Brethren Church in Wooster tonight to a support group for people who lost a loved one.. Brooke and Spencer went along. They were not real excited about going, but went with us. They were the only kids there, but I think they felt comfortable enough to go back. We went as a family and for now I think that is very important for all of us. It keeps us connected. There were probably 25 people attending this meeting, most lost either a parent or spouse. There was one lady there that her 35 yr. daughter was killed in an accident. The daughter had three kids, but the husband of her daughter decided to not let Grandma see the kids. So, poor grandma not only lost her daughter but her grandkids too at least for a while. The husband did decide later to let her see them. She said this has been five years ago. She has said what I already knew----you do heal, but you learn to live with your loss. There was one lady sitting beside me that I felt so sorry for. She was from China, and her husband got cancer and died three years ago. She was not in the states very long before he got sick and died. I think he died with a fast growing cancer. She had two kids, one a year old and one five. She had no family in the states and for some reason she could not go back to China. She said she has not really talked to anyone and feels God far away. She was crying so hard through all of this, that we all were either crying or about to. I was next after that lady to tell my story, well of course I was almost crying just listening to hers, so it was very difficult to say much----then just me telling the story, or at least trying to tell it, I hear Brooke and Jeff sobbing beside me. I couldn't talk anymore. It was an emotional evening, but it is comforting in some sort of sad way to be with people that are mourning the loss of somebody they truly loved. It feels like you can connect to them on some level. I was talking to a girl after it was over who just lost her dad suddenly and she said I always thought I was a deep Christian, but now I am on fire for God. It is so true God puts you in the fire, you definitely draw close, actually cling to Him with both hands. I really don't know how anyone would ever get through this horrible process of mourning and grieving if you did not have God as your Best Friend. I use to read in the paper or see on the news people that were killed and always thought, boy that is sad, and feel bad for them, but that was about as far as it went. Now, it is a completely different story----i can relate to how horrible it really is and feel a real sadness and compassion in my heart for them. I am thankful---God brought us through another day---we had moments of tears, but He will bring joy in the morning----well maybe not tomorrow morning, but some morning. That is what one lady actually said, one morning she noticed she had joy back in her heart----
In the Middle of Tragedy, God's Mercy and Comfort is Present
Today is Monday, and Taylor would have gone back to school. As i think back, Taylor had a lot of good traits, but being neat was not one of them. I could have the house fairly clean and he would come home from school and in hours he could make one mess after another. We would barely get it all cleaned up and it was Thursday and time for him to be coming home again. Brooke and I use to joke, we would say it is Thursday again, it just seems like Taylor left and here it is time for him to come home again------What I wouldn't give to have that problem again.
Last night we went to Max's to celebrate April and Aquinnah's birthdays. Their whole family was there. We now spend alot of time together. I can not say how much each and every one of them, all in different ways have been pillars in our lives. They have cried with us, held us up, listened to us tell our story over and over, and was just there when we needed them. I have learned never to take family for granted---life can change in a instant. We noticed we did not talk the whole evening about Taylor. This has been the first time since it all happened, so maybe we are beginning to heal tiny bit by tiny bit.
When we got home last night, the Rheems were here. They are the ones that was having the bon fire that fateful night of Taylor's accident. Deb Rheem told me her side of the story which I never heard. She said they were home and Sara Marty came running into their house saying Taylor has been in an accident. Deb was there when the ambulance was there trying to get Taylor out of the ditch. She said the kids were also trying to help get him out, one kid keep saying "Hang on Tay, Hang on". Deb said by the look on the paramedic's face she knew it was bad. She said that they put a neck brace on him, but not the blocks to stabilize his neck. She said by that she pretty much knew he was gone, but the kids, well most of them did not have a clue it was that bad. They were talking about what hospital they thought he would go to. Deb did look at me last night and said, even if Taylor would have lived, he most likely would have been paralyzed from the neck down. She said the helmet might have saved his life, but hitting the rock that hard would have broken his neck anyway. As I thought about that, Taylor would have died either way. He died quick this way, but he would have died being paralyzed too, but just a slow death. He was never one to sit around one minute----I think he had a touch of ADD, always on the move. God knew Taylor would have hated living life in a wheel chair, He just took him home with Him-----God's plan is always perfect!!!
OK back to the days of the accident. Minutes after we got that phone call (Saturday night), Warren said let's all just pray. We all got on our knees, probably because none, or at least I could not stand anymore. Warren pleaded with God to help us all----the first of many many prayers prayed on our behalf. When we got back to those nursing home rooms and the kids were in our room, we said let's all pray that God will show us just one sign that Taylor is in Heaven. We would have had a prayer all together, but none of us had the strength to pray out loud, so we all prayed by our beds to God silently. After laying in bed for several hours, my phone starts to ring. Diane and I just look at each and moaned---there were no words to say. I did not answer the phone, but did look and seen it was Luann. I knew she would be mourning almost as bad as we were. She is a very good friend and Jed and Taylor grew up together and were good friends. We decided it was probably time to get up, we then listened to Luann's voice mail, and it was so mournful that Diane and I just moaned and went and layed back on the bed. Pretty soon my phone rang again, once again, I did not answer it. It was Sheila, another very good friend-----even though she did not know Taylor well, she was mourning deeply with us. We thought we had to get up and get back to mom, but could barely walk. We did tell Warren the night before that to tell mom and dad before we got there so they would know. I did not think I could tell anyone that terrible news, not even my mom and dad. We could not say Taylor was killed or even dead, that sounded so unreal, so surreal, whatever, just something that could not possibly be true. I walk into the bathroom (which was so nice and big the day before, now had terrible memories) and looked into the mirror. I kept saying in the mirror, this can't possibly be true, just how am I ever going to get through this horrible thing. I walked out of the bathroom and Brooke was just standing outside of her door and we just looked at each other and fell into each others arms and just sobbed. This is the first time I truly sobbed so hard I almost fell to my knees. I looked at Diane and said how am I ever going to get through this and like Diane said in her "comments", it was like God said right then, you are not going to get through this, I am going to carry you. Diane went into her bathroom and when she came out she came right over to where I was trying to stand and says God has given me a real peace that Taylor is in Heaven----remember that was our prayer the night before---just one sign. I loved to hear that, but I wanted something I could hang onto forever---something clear. So, I went in by my bed and got on my knees and pleaded with God----I prayed, Please God, If Taylor is with You in Heaven, Please give me a Very Clear sign that I can hang onto forever and i will try with your Grace to Praise your Name through this horrible experience. I go up from my bed, knowing in my heart God could be silent----I told Diane what I had just prayed,---(I will never forget what she said)----She said, I can almost promise you God will answer your prayer very soon. I do believe that was God working through her in telling me that, because why else would she had said that. Later when I was telling Randy G. this prayer, he said Wow, God put that prayer in your heart,because on your own, you could never have prayed that. Now, we start to pack up all our stuff to go back to mom's. It was Sunday morning and people now in the nursing home are getting ready to go to church. When we walk out the door to the car, we see people and say Hi to them, think if you only knew how our lives have been changed, but we didn't mention a word to anyone. We now drive back to mom's. A slow drive because we know when we get back there reality is going to set in. It really is going to be true. As we pull into their drive Pete W. is coming out of the house, I barely get out of the car and fall into his arms and start to sob. I was sobbing so hard on his chest that I am sure he had to take his suit jacket to cleaners to be cleaned. News was traveling fast, people were hearing it as they were getting to Forrest church and some heard it even before. We barely get into the house and i see mom at the table, well that is all it took and I was sobbing again. Within minutes, people were starting to come to the house, mostly very close friends. Marlene, Duane, Shirley, Warren came first, I sobbed in each of their arms. Then on of my best friends walks in the door---I am not sure what happened next, but I cried a million tears. Jeff calls and says where are you guys, are you about half way home, we had to say we had not even left yet. He was here at home, with people coming in both doors. There were people every where, but we were still 400 miles away. So, we thought we should probably leave. Warren said again, let's have a prayer first. We all joined hands and again Warren prayed for God's help, then mom and dad both prayed, we were all in tears and now it was time for us to leave. I forgot to say that when we pulled into mom's drive there was a strange van sitting in the drive. We just moaned again because the night before they were trying to get some Apostolic person from Forrest to drive us back. Not that we were not appreciative, but we did not feel like going anywhere with people we did not know. Keith had it all worked out, He got this van from his relation and he was going to drive us back and somebody was taking my car and Autumn's car back in a day or two. Now Keith, Autumn, Diane, Brooke, Spencer and I crawl out to this van and leave. April, Mark and twins drive behind us. We pull out of the drive and wave good-bye knowing this is going to be the longest trip of our lives. Diane and I have often talked about how would that be if somebody called and said that mom or dad had died and we had to make that seven hour trip knowing that, never in our wildest dream did we ever think it would be reversed and it would be one of my kids. It is a good thing God has us take one day at a time, because if we could see into the future I would never have enjoyed Taylor's life, I would have had my mind focused on how much time he had left each day that passed. I am not sure who looked worse me, Diane, or the kids---probably me, my eyes were almost swollen shut by now by doing so much crying. We all just sit in the van not saying a word, staring into space and every once in awhile I would start to cry. After about 45 minutes to an hour later, i thought I better look at my phone to see if Jeff had called, because when we were at mom's I just left it in my purse in the van. When I open up the phone, I seen one missed call. It didn't say the number, so I just assumed it was going to be Jeff asking where are you by now. I started to listen and it started out as saying one of Taylor's teachers, I thought I could care less what some teacher wants now. I thought it was teacher from his college calling about something. I almost just shut it off, but by God's Grace I continued to listen. It was Craig Wellert, but actually it was God speaking, He was just using Craig. Remember when Diane said God will answer your prayer soon, well it was probably 4 hours between the time I prayed that prayer and this phone call----God was showing His Amazing Grace and mercy to me. Thank you Jesus!!! I will tell you just part of what Craig said, more on that later, anyway, he said that he had several conversations with Taylor in his office and Taylor expressed to him that he had Christ in his heart and that he was a Christian. Then Craig finished with I know that Taylor was a Christian------and we will see him in heaven. I looked at Diane and through my tears I said you have to listen to this---I opened my phone up so it would be on speaker phone for all to hear in the van. Needles to say we all took to sobbing when we heard what Craig was saying, but like I said we all knew it was God speaking to us---saying, I am weeping with you, but know Taylor is with me.---a side note----Amber had a very good sign from God too that Taylor is enjoying the mansion that God is preparing for us---I will tell you more about that later. Now back to this call from Craig. That call in itself was very comforting and beautiful. Now, pay attentionto this, and what I must remember too, it how God orchestrated it all and that not only does it make it beautiful but magnificent. Craig goes to Luann's church. Luann said that she almost did not go to church that Sunday, because she had done so much sobbing and felt terrible, but at the last minute she decides to go. She goes and usually they make the announcements at the beginning of the service, but this Sunday they do it at the end. They announce what had happened to Taylor then calls Craig out of the congregation to lead them in prayer. He prays that Taylor is in heaven and after he is done Luann runs over to him and says what made you say that and then he tells her the story. Luann tells him he must call me to tell me. When he calls me, my phone is in the car, so I do not answer it and it all goes on my voice mail. If I would have had my phone with me and answered it, I would never have remembered all he said and we could not have had Autumn and Keith type it all out and hand them out at his view as a witness to Jesus. When my phone was ringing in the van, Brooke was out there and heard it and even picked up my phone to answer it, but then decided not too, because she didn't know the number. So, God was in it every step of the way----Autumn took my phone after that call and forward it to Jeff's, Brooke's phones so we would not lose it. When she did that Jeff did not hear it either, until later, but it was a great encouragement to him too. After that call, our hearts were still broken into a million pieces, but one little piece did have joy in it. God wanted us to know Taylor was with him, and He did not make me wait long for an answer----again, God is about Love, Compassion, Grace. It was a very quiet ride home, mostly everybody caught up in their own thoughts. We did stop twice for who ever wanted to get something to eat or drink. I do remember going into one place and seeing people laughing and talking and thought if you only knew the horror I am living right now---I will never see my son again on earth alive. As we get to Upper Sandusky and we only have two hours from home, I start to think I am not ready for all this----I just want to stay in this van and drive forever. About an hour before we are to get home, Keith calls back to the house and tells them where we are and thought maybe it would be best if most of the people left----well that didn't quite work out that way. I remember driving down Apple creek almost home now and a terrible dread coming and dwelling in my heart. When we get to our lane, we see cars everywhere, Diane and I just give out a moan. We really are not ready for this. Our eyes again must have slipped from Jesus, because all I wanted to do was crawl in the house and go to bed. We stop the van and we start to get out, people are coming out of the house. I just sit there in the van not wanting to move, not wanting any of it to be true. I look over at Brooke she is getting out, but only makes it to the front of the van, when she falls on the ground. I am not sure who goes helps her up. I finally crawl out into Jeff's arms, we just hang onto each other and weep. Then I am not sure what all happened next, I think we just went from one person to the next sobbing. Pretty soon, Jeff comes out of the house and says to the garage full of people, I have something I want you all to hear, this is all that is keeping me going. He now plays that message from Craig about Taylor being a Christian. I am standing beside Jeff and I know this was also God. I was so weak by this time, I had not slept, or ate much of anything in the last thirty hours. I got strentgh from God and after they were done listening to that message, I said I want to tell you the rest of the story----I said how I had prayed that prayer and how fast God answered it, and also about Brooke not answering the phone---I just knew God was in all this and He wanted me to proclaim His work so that His name could be Glorified. It was interesting though, so see the reaction on people faces, some looked at me like I could maybe be still in shock and deceived and others rejoiced with me. I guess that did hurt me some, but then it was later revealed to me it does not matter what man thinks, this sign was for me and man is not the judge,and God was saying I am the judge and Taylor is with me. Jesus, I love you!! More people came, I guess some how they found out we were going to be home by 8:00. It was nice they all came, but to tell you the truth I can't remember much about what anybody said or who was here, it was becoming a haze. After awhile they did start to leave, and when they all left, I remember standing out in the garage by myself and thinking I really do not want to go into that house----that is where I am going to see Taylor everywhere I look. I did finally come in. Diane and Max were still here. Brooke somewhere along the line had came into the house and went up and was laying on Taylor's bed, just smelling his scent on the sheets----. Jeff says we have an appointment with Gillman's at 10:00 tomorrow, we need to pick out clothes for Taylor. I had to sit on a chair, and again think I can not do this!!!!! But God does supply the grace when needed---actually he supplied Diane and Brooke that night. They went up to his room and picked out a shirt and pants for him to wear. They did not pick out a clean one, but one that had his Cologne and deodorant on.They wanted it to be so Taylor, and it was! It was one he wore to church and probably never threw in the wash. As they brought the clothes down, I just sat on the couch with my head in my hands sobbing---saying I can't believe this---it can't be true. Spencer would not even go into his room which he shared with Taylor. So, now there hung Taylor's clothes in the kitchen which he was going to buried in----my mind could not take anymore------I could not even pray that night before bed, I just could only moan, but does it not say the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when we moan----I am sure that is what was going on that night. Even though, I was extremely thankful that God had answered my prayer and gave us great comfort in that phone call, I was exhausted and wanted to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and pretend none of the horror was true, but it was and now please continue to pray for us----thanks.
Last night we went to Max's to celebrate April and Aquinnah's birthdays. Their whole family was there. We now spend alot of time together. I can not say how much each and every one of them, all in different ways have been pillars in our lives. They have cried with us, held us up, listened to us tell our story over and over, and was just there when we needed them. I have learned never to take family for granted---life can change in a instant. We noticed we did not talk the whole evening about Taylor. This has been the first time since it all happened, so maybe we are beginning to heal tiny bit by tiny bit.
When we got home last night, the Rheems were here. They are the ones that was having the bon fire that fateful night of Taylor's accident. Deb Rheem told me her side of the story which I never heard. She said they were home and Sara Marty came running into their house saying Taylor has been in an accident. Deb was there when the ambulance was there trying to get Taylor out of the ditch. She said the kids were also trying to help get him out, one kid keep saying "Hang on Tay, Hang on". Deb said by the look on the paramedic's face she knew it was bad. She said that they put a neck brace on him, but not the blocks to stabilize his neck. She said by that she pretty much knew he was gone, but the kids, well most of them did not have a clue it was that bad. They were talking about what hospital they thought he would go to. Deb did look at me last night and said, even if Taylor would have lived, he most likely would have been paralyzed from the neck down. She said the helmet might have saved his life, but hitting the rock that hard would have broken his neck anyway. As I thought about that, Taylor would have died either way. He died quick this way, but he would have died being paralyzed too, but just a slow death. He was never one to sit around one minute----I think he had a touch of ADD, always on the move. God knew Taylor would have hated living life in a wheel chair, He just took him home with Him-----God's plan is always perfect!!!
OK back to the days of the accident. Minutes after we got that phone call (Saturday night), Warren said let's all just pray. We all got on our knees, probably because none, or at least I could not stand anymore. Warren pleaded with God to help us all----the first of many many prayers prayed on our behalf. When we got back to those nursing home rooms and the kids were in our room, we said let's all pray that God will show us just one sign that Taylor is in Heaven. We would have had a prayer all together, but none of us had the strength to pray out loud, so we all prayed by our beds to God silently. After laying in bed for several hours, my phone starts to ring. Diane and I just look at each and moaned---there were no words to say. I did not answer the phone, but did look and seen it was Luann. I knew she would be mourning almost as bad as we were. She is a very good friend and Jed and Taylor grew up together and were good friends. We decided it was probably time to get up, we then listened to Luann's voice mail, and it was so mournful that Diane and I just moaned and went and layed back on the bed. Pretty soon my phone rang again, once again, I did not answer it. It was Sheila, another very good friend-----even though she did not know Taylor well, she was mourning deeply with us. We thought we had to get up and get back to mom, but could barely walk. We did tell Warren the night before that to tell mom and dad before we got there so they would know. I did not think I could tell anyone that terrible news, not even my mom and dad. We could not say Taylor was killed or even dead, that sounded so unreal, so surreal, whatever, just something that could not possibly be true. I walk into the bathroom (which was so nice and big the day before, now had terrible memories) and looked into the mirror. I kept saying in the mirror, this can't possibly be true, just how am I ever going to get through this horrible thing. I walked out of the bathroom and Brooke was just standing outside of her door and we just looked at each other and fell into each others arms and just sobbed. This is the first time I truly sobbed so hard I almost fell to my knees. I looked at Diane and said how am I ever going to get through this and like Diane said in her "comments", it was like God said right then, you are not going to get through this, I am going to carry you. Diane went into her bathroom and when she came out she came right over to where I was trying to stand and says God has given me a real peace that Taylor is in Heaven----remember that was our prayer the night before---just one sign. I loved to hear that, but I wanted something I could hang onto forever---something clear. So, I went in by my bed and got on my knees and pleaded with God----I prayed, Please God, If Taylor is with You in Heaven, Please give me a Very Clear sign that I can hang onto forever and i will try with your Grace to Praise your Name through this horrible experience. I go up from my bed, knowing in my heart God could be silent----I told Diane what I had just prayed,---(I will never forget what she said)----She said, I can almost promise you God will answer your prayer very soon. I do believe that was God working through her in telling me that, because why else would she had said that. Later when I was telling Randy G. this prayer, he said Wow, God put that prayer in your heart,because on your own, you could never have prayed that. Now, we start to pack up all our stuff to go back to mom's. It was Sunday morning and people now in the nursing home are getting ready to go to church. When we walk out the door to the car, we see people and say Hi to them, think if you only knew how our lives have been changed, but we didn't mention a word to anyone. We now drive back to mom's. A slow drive because we know when we get back there reality is going to set in. It really is going to be true. As we pull into their drive Pete W. is coming out of the house, I barely get out of the car and fall into his arms and start to sob. I was sobbing so hard on his chest that I am sure he had to take his suit jacket to cleaners to be cleaned. News was traveling fast, people were hearing it as they were getting to Forrest church and some heard it even before. We barely get into the house and i see mom at the table, well that is all it took and I was sobbing again. Within minutes, people were starting to come to the house, mostly very close friends. Marlene, Duane, Shirley, Warren came first, I sobbed in each of their arms. Then on of my best friends walks in the door---I am not sure what happened next, but I cried a million tears. Jeff calls and says where are you guys, are you about half way home, we had to say we had not even left yet. He was here at home, with people coming in both doors. There were people every where, but we were still 400 miles away. So, we thought we should probably leave. Warren said again, let's have a prayer first. We all joined hands and again Warren prayed for God's help, then mom and dad both prayed, we were all in tears and now it was time for us to leave. I forgot to say that when we pulled into mom's drive there was a strange van sitting in the drive. We just moaned again because the night before they were trying to get some Apostolic person from Forrest to drive us back. Not that we were not appreciative, but we did not feel like going anywhere with people we did not know. Keith had it all worked out, He got this van from his relation and he was going to drive us back and somebody was taking my car and Autumn's car back in a day or two. Now Keith, Autumn, Diane, Brooke, Spencer and I crawl out to this van and leave. April, Mark and twins drive behind us. We pull out of the drive and wave good-bye knowing this is going to be the longest trip of our lives. Diane and I have often talked about how would that be if somebody called and said that mom or dad had died and we had to make that seven hour trip knowing that, never in our wildest dream did we ever think it would be reversed and it would be one of my kids. It is a good thing God has us take one day at a time, because if we could see into the future I would never have enjoyed Taylor's life, I would have had my mind focused on how much time he had left each day that passed. I am not sure who looked worse me, Diane, or the kids---probably me, my eyes were almost swollen shut by now by doing so much crying. We all just sit in the van not saying a word, staring into space and every once in awhile I would start to cry. After about 45 minutes to an hour later, i thought I better look at my phone to see if Jeff had called, because when we were at mom's I just left it in my purse in the van. When I open up the phone, I seen one missed call. It didn't say the number, so I just assumed it was going to be Jeff asking where are you by now. I started to listen and it started out as saying one of Taylor's teachers, I thought I could care less what some teacher wants now. I thought it was teacher from his college calling about something. I almost just shut it off, but by God's Grace I continued to listen. It was Craig Wellert, but actually it was God speaking, He was just using Craig. Remember when Diane said God will answer your prayer soon, well it was probably 4 hours between the time I prayed that prayer and this phone call----God was showing His Amazing Grace and mercy to me. Thank you Jesus!!! I will tell you just part of what Craig said, more on that later, anyway, he said that he had several conversations with Taylor in his office and Taylor expressed to him that he had Christ in his heart and that he was a Christian. Then Craig finished with I know that Taylor was a Christian------and we will see him in heaven. I looked at Diane and through my tears I said you have to listen to this---I opened my phone up so it would be on speaker phone for all to hear in the van. Needles to say we all took to sobbing when we heard what Craig was saying, but like I said we all knew it was God speaking to us---saying, I am weeping with you, but know Taylor is with me.---a side note----Amber had a very good sign from God too that Taylor is enjoying the mansion that God is preparing for us---I will tell you more about that later. Now back to this call from Craig. That call in itself was very comforting and beautiful. Now, pay attentionto this, and what I must remember too, it how God orchestrated it all and that not only does it make it beautiful but magnificent. Craig goes to Luann's church. Luann said that she almost did not go to church that Sunday, because she had done so much sobbing and felt terrible, but at the last minute she decides to go. She goes and usually they make the announcements at the beginning of the service, but this Sunday they do it at the end. They announce what had happened to Taylor then calls Craig out of the congregation to lead them in prayer. He prays that Taylor is in heaven and after he is done Luann runs over to him and says what made you say that and then he tells her the story. Luann tells him he must call me to tell me. When he calls me, my phone is in the car, so I do not answer it and it all goes on my voice mail. If I would have had my phone with me and answered it, I would never have remembered all he said and we could not have had Autumn and Keith type it all out and hand them out at his view as a witness to Jesus. When my phone was ringing in the van, Brooke was out there and heard it and even picked up my phone to answer it, but then decided not too, because she didn't know the number. So, God was in it every step of the way----Autumn took my phone after that call and forward it to Jeff's, Brooke's phones so we would not lose it. When she did that Jeff did not hear it either, until later, but it was a great encouragement to him too. After that call, our hearts were still broken into a million pieces, but one little piece did have joy in it. God wanted us to know Taylor was with him, and He did not make me wait long for an answer----again, God is about Love, Compassion, Grace. It was a very quiet ride home, mostly everybody caught up in their own thoughts. We did stop twice for who ever wanted to get something to eat or drink. I do remember going into one place and seeing people laughing and talking and thought if you only knew the horror I am living right now---I will never see my son again on earth alive. As we get to Upper Sandusky and we only have two hours from home, I start to think I am not ready for all this----I just want to stay in this van and drive forever. About an hour before we are to get home, Keith calls back to the house and tells them where we are and thought maybe it would be best if most of the people left----well that didn't quite work out that way. I remember driving down Apple creek almost home now and a terrible dread coming and dwelling in my heart. When we get to our lane, we see cars everywhere, Diane and I just give out a moan. We really are not ready for this. Our eyes again must have slipped from Jesus, because all I wanted to do was crawl in the house and go to bed. We stop the van and we start to get out, people are coming out of the house. I just sit there in the van not wanting to move, not wanting any of it to be true. I look over at Brooke she is getting out, but only makes it to the front of the van, when she falls on the ground. I am not sure who goes helps her up. I finally crawl out into Jeff's arms, we just hang onto each other and weep. Then I am not sure what all happened next, I think we just went from one person to the next sobbing. Pretty soon, Jeff comes out of the house and says to the garage full of people, I have something I want you all to hear, this is all that is keeping me going. He now plays that message from Craig about Taylor being a Christian. I am standing beside Jeff and I know this was also God. I was so weak by this time, I had not slept, or ate much of anything in the last thirty hours. I got strentgh from God and after they were done listening to that message, I said I want to tell you the rest of the story----I said how I had prayed that prayer and how fast God answered it, and also about Brooke not answering the phone---I just knew God was in all this and He wanted me to proclaim His work so that His name could be Glorified. It was interesting though, so see the reaction on people faces, some looked at me like I could maybe be still in shock and deceived and others rejoiced with me. I guess that did hurt me some, but then it was later revealed to me it does not matter what man thinks, this sign was for me and man is not the judge,and God was saying I am the judge and Taylor is with me. Jesus, I love you!! More people came, I guess some how they found out we were going to be home by 8:00. It was nice they all came, but to tell you the truth I can't remember much about what anybody said or who was here, it was becoming a haze. After awhile they did start to leave, and when they all left, I remember standing out in the garage by myself and thinking I really do not want to go into that house----that is where I am going to see Taylor everywhere I look. I did finally come in. Diane and Max were still here. Brooke somewhere along the line had came into the house and went up and was laying on Taylor's bed, just smelling his scent on the sheets----. Jeff says we have an appointment with Gillman's at 10:00 tomorrow, we need to pick out clothes for Taylor. I had to sit on a chair, and again think I can not do this!!!!! But God does supply the grace when needed---actually he supplied Diane and Brooke that night. They went up to his room and picked out a shirt and pants for him to wear. They did not pick out a clean one, but one that had his Cologne and deodorant on.They wanted it to be so Taylor, and it was! It was one he wore to church and probably never threw in the wash. As they brought the clothes down, I just sat on the couch with my head in my hands sobbing---saying I can't believe this---it can't be true. Spencer would not even go into his room which he shared with Taylor. So, now there hung Taylor's clothes in the kitchen which he was going to buried in----my mind could not take anymore------I could not even pray that night before bed, I just could only moan, but does it not say the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when we moan----I am sure that is what was going on that night. Even though, I was extremely thankful that God had answered my prayer and gave us great comfort in that phone call, I was exhausted and wanted to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and pretend none of the horror was true, but it was and now please continue to pray for us----thanks.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Sunday
I am feeling really sad today, so I don't think I am going to write about day two. It was a very emotional day, and I don't think I can do that today. I am really missing Taylor today. It just seems like every where I look today is Taylor. We are trying to work with his financial aid loans and see if we are responsible for them. I keep looking at all the classes he had taken and his graduation date----I know he did not like school all that much, but just knowing he is not there and he is not going to graduate with the other kids is sad. I feel like today, is one of those days where I could just sit in a chair and stare into space. The counselor said a lot of the time, anger will be one of the steps. I can feel that sometimes now, but I think getting angry is such a wasted emotion. I could get angry at Taylor---why did you have to be so careless and reckless----or God could you not have protected him. I think my eyes have slipped off Jesus and onto my circumstance today---I am looking again at all the losses. I am mourning for me and all the losses I am experiencing----well for Taylor, he is not mourning, he is spending another day with Jesus and i know he would say "mom, don't cry---I hate to see you cry, I am doing great and see ya soon. Well that is easier said than done. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I do find grieving is like an illness. Ya know when somebody is sick with an illness, they will say yesterday was a good day, but today I felt so sick I just stayed in bed all day. Well that is the way grieving is, one day I may feel not so bad, and for no apparent reason the next day I can barely put one foot in front of the other. I can say it does teach me a lot about compassion. Jesus, help me to refocus back onto you---Fix my eyes on Jesus and I will be in perfect peace!!
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Jeff's Side of Events
Happy Birthday April!!! It is seven weeks ago today that Taylor died. In some ways it seems like we have been stuck in this horror forever and in other ways I can't believe it has been that long since I have seen Taylor. Saturday's are bad days because of it being the day it happened, and also because we got to see him on Saturday's---well, that is if he made time for us :). Sometimes he thought we were just plain boring. I would ask him why can't you stay home like Brooke---he came back with an answer I had to laugh----He said--Oh, mom Brooke does not have a life. He had a short life, but he made every moment count.
I am writing now, what Jeff has told me about these days for him. We had left for Illinois on Thursday and Taylor was on summer break from school for two weeks and as happy as could be. He was never one to like school all that much. He did love the classes that was in the shop working on tractors, trucks and whatever they worked on, but when it came to the academic classes----he was bored silly and was probably looking out the window day dreaming of when he could be riding his four wheeler again. He had just finished some of his academic classes before break, so this made summer break even better for him. That Thursday night, Jeff, Taylor and one of his buddies were here helping Jeff clean up some stuff from a sale and they had a big fire going. When Brooke called from Illinois to tell Jeff we had arrived safely, she said dad is having a good time with Taylor---she said dad is laughing at Taylor and his bud. Taylor stayed home that night and spent time with Jeff which was a rare thing for Taylor to stay home the whole evening. Friday was a fairly normal day. Taylor went to work, Jeff was getting ready for a sale. Saturday Taylor worked until noon, then went to Jeff's sale for awhile. Sometimes Tay would help Jeff, but I think today he just stopped in to see how the sale was going. Taylor was home when Jeff got home from his sale. Of course Taylor was always working or doing something to his 4 wheeler. Jeff asked Tay to stay home with him that evening and help him clean up the shed some. Tay loved to work on things, but never seemed to have a love to put this tools and stuff away, so Jeff thought he could spend some time with Tay and get the shed cleaned up too. Tay says to Jeff, "Oh dad it is such a nice night, I want to go out and see some of my friends tonight. So, he left about 8:30 or so. Weeks after this all happened, one day I picked up his phone and decided to look at this texts. I went to that fateful day and read through them. He was making plans for that evening with his friends---they were meeting at a farm to have a bon fire. It was a strange feeling reading his last text when somebody asked him where are you, are you coming soon. He answered back. "I am on my way". Then I seen on his texts where he had made plans for the next day and even the next week. I had to think, God had very different plans for Taylor. At probably about 10:30 or so, I really do not know the exact time. These kids were at a farm at a bon fire, when they decided to go to a different farm. There were several guys on 4-wheeler going to the other farm. Some of them had passengers on the back. Taylor and his roommate---Jake Masters--were on his. Taylor was behind the others, but knowing Tay he did not like being last, so he thought he would pass the other kid. It was dark and the lights on the 4wheelers are not all that great, so Tay could not see all that well. Tay hit the back tire of the 4-wheeler in front of him and started to lose control. He went off into the ditch, but the ditch was not that deep, so Tay just straddled it. The kids say he was in the ditch for 100 to 150 ft, then at the last minute he probably seen the culvert. It is a huge under the road culvert. As Tay tried to pull his four wheeler out---he almost made it---his back tire caught the cement part of the culvert. When Tay's bike caught that culvert, it flipped him over into the ditch, which was much deeper and had two rocks beside a little stream. Taylor was flipped into the that ditch and he hit his head on one of the rocks. Jake was thrown over the ditch and landed in the field and ended up with only a scratch on his head. I wanted to just scream why could not Taylor have been thrown into the field, or even land in the deep ditch, but why did he have to hit the rock, but I had to hang onto the thought once again-----God was in control---He never makes a mistake---and nothing can happen without going through God's hands---I had to hang onto this thought with both hands----I will tell you more about this on the day that I finally went to visit his sight. Anyway back to Jeff. About 12:10 his cell phone rings. He is asleep or just going to sleep. At first he did not think all that much about it, because Taylor had a habit of, but usually through texts, asking if he could stay out later, or maybe stay all night at a friends house. Tay was always good at letting us know where he was when it was time for him to be coming home. But when Jeff opened his cell phone and seen it was a call from Kathy Marty, his heart started to pound because he knew this was not a good thing. Kathy Marty's daughter and Tay were best friends and always or alot of the time were together. When he picked it up, She says you need to get to the Dunlap Hospital right away Taylor was in an accident. She said her and her husband would follow Jeff to the hospital. I asked Jeff later what was going through his mind. He said he thought Taylor was hurt, and maybe now he had learned his lesson and would want to get rid of his 4 wheeler----Jeff hated that thing, and I must say I really didn't like it either. I knew it was dangerous, but I really did not think Taylor would end up getting killed on it. Kathy said she just thought too, he had some broken bones and be in the hospital for a while. They got to the hospital right after the ambulance got there. They already had Taylor in the ER. Jeff and the Marty's walk into the ER and Jeff asks how is Taylor, the nurse says it is not good. Then Kathy and Jeff walk down the hall in the ER to Taylor's room. Jeff said the curtain was open a couple of feet. He says when they walk in, a doctor is on one side of Taylor and a nurse on the other side. The doctor looks at Jeff and slowly shakes his head and says "I am so sorry". They don't remember it, but people in the waiting room said they both started to scream. Jeff stays with Taylor---Jeff said Taylor looked just like he was sleeping, just alittle blood on his teeth and little blood in his ears. Kathy goes back out into the waiting room where lot of the kids from the bon fire had come to see which bone Taylor had broken. Taylor was accident prone, so the kids were not too surprised he was in the hospital ER. Kathy says she can barely remember what happened next, she does remember going back out to the waiting room and falling to her knees and saying he is gone. Of course the kids were in shock and hysterical. Jake Master the one on with Taylor and also Taylor's roommate at college ran outside-----they had to go looking for him. Some of these kids mom and dad's came to be with their kids. Kathy tells Jeff you need to call your family, so I am not sure who he called first, but Barb, Dave, Bev, Randy, Neil, Jer, Ellen all came. After Jeff made that horrible call to us in Illinois, Diane called Max and told him to go with Jeff at the hospital. Rachel Miller had already Texted Amber and told her, so she got up and went to her dad's, so they both came to the hospital to be with Jeff. They all went back into the room where Taylor was and stood around the bed. Amber said too, Taylor looked like he was sleeping, so much so that Jeff would say, "come on Taylor get up it is time to go home." His mind also was going into shock. Barb told me later that as she stood around that bed looking at Taylor a real peace came over her. At the time she said she could not figure out why that would be, here is Taylor dead and she had this peace. She said she did not tell anyone about it at first, but she said after she heard what God had shown me and Amber, she then understood the peace. God had Taylor home with Him. Later they went outside to wait for the corner to come and pronounce him dead. Barb said as they stood outside nobody saying a word, it was very silent except for the locust. She said the corner came out went over to Jeff and said " I am so sorry, the only thing I seen was a broken neck" then got into her car and left. Her job was done, but our lives have been changed forever. Barb said they just stood there in silence. They all offered either to take Jeff home with them or have somebody come and stay the rest of the night with him, which I am not sure what time it was by now, but probably getting close to morning. Jeff chose to go home by himself. He said he needed time by himself. He knew people would soon be coming to our house, but "our" house was a total disaster. Brooke had just totalled her car the week before. She could have also been killed, but as we can see very clearly God has the date of our birth and the date of our death all marked out before we are even born. Her work here on earth is not yet finished. A little side note----when she had her accident on the Saturday before---I had texted Taylor and told him about it. He responded very quickly with a phone call to get the details and then he came home soon after. I remember him going upstair into the bathroom where Brooke was and giving her a big hug saying I am so glad you are alright. We were so thankful that she was not hurt any worse than a few bruises and scrapes, but little did we know that exactly one week later Taylor would be killed. Again, what was God doing-----nothing is by circumstances, He has a plan for every thing. We have thought on this and I will give our thought on this later. Anyway, back to Jeff. We had to clean out Brooke's SUV right away when they totalled it,they take it away from you---- and if you know Brooke she does not travel lightly---she was on her way home from MI when it happened. So, we dumped all the stuff in the middle of the livingroom. We had been gone the weekend before and I had little time to clean the house before we left for Illinois. It always enters my mind when we go away that if something happens people will be coming to our house, so I usually try to have it reasonably clean when I leave on a trip, but not this time. I done it a hundred times before and nothing ever happened. So, Jeff had to spend the rest of the night cleaning. Somewhere along the night, Jerry took Jeff over to where the bon fire was to get Taylor's truck and bring it home. That was a very hard thing to do, drive his truck home, knowing Taylor was in it only hours before. He put it way back under the trees in the back of our property, which is where it still is. I was thankful he did that, so it would not be the first thing we would see when we pulled into the drive. That pretty much wraps up the day for Jeff-----again a day that is a parent's worst nightmare. Jesus was weeping with us, but at those moments, we were too much in shock to feel him, but soon very soon, we realize there is no where to turn but to Jesus. Thank you all who are praying for us----please continue!
I am writing now, what Jeff has told me about these days for him. We had left for Illinois on Thursday and Taylor was on summer break from school for two weeks and as happy as could be. He was never one to like school all that much. He did love the classes that was in the shop working on tractors, trucks and whatever they worked on, but when it came to the academic classes----he was bored silly and was probably looking out the window day dreaming of when he could be riding his four wheeler again. He had just finished some of his academic classes before break, so this made summer break even better for him. That Thursday night, Jeff, Taylor and one of his buddies were here helping Jeff clean up some stuff from a sale and they had a big fire going. When Brooke called from Illinois to tell Jeff we had arrived safely, she said dad is having a good time with Taylor---she said dad is laughing at Taylor and his bud. Taylor stayed home that night and spent time with Jeff which was a rare thing for Taylor to stay home the whole evening. Friday was a fairly normal day. Taylor went to work, Jeff was getting ready for a sale. Saturday Taylor worked until noon, then went to Jeff's sale for awhile. Sometimes Tay would help Jeff, but I think today he just stopped in to see how the sale was going. Taylor was home when Jeff got home from his sale. Of course Taylor was always working or doing something to his 4 wheeler. Jeff asked Tay to stay home with him that evening and help him clean up the shed some. Tay loved to work on things, but never seemed to have a love to put this tools and stuff away, so Jeff thought he could spend some time with Tay and get the shed cleaned up too. Tay says to Jeff, "Oh dad it is such a nice night, I want to go out and see some of my friends tonight. So, he left about 8:30 or so. Weeks after this all happened, one day I picked up his phone and decided to look at this texts. I went to that fateful day and read through them. He was making plans for that evening with his friends---they were meeting at a farm to have a bon fire. It was a strange feeling reading his last text when somebody asked him where are you, are you coming soon. He answered back. "I am on my way". Then I seen on his texts where he had made plans for the next day and even the next week. I had to think, God had very different plans for Taylor. At probably about 10:30 or so, I really do not know the exact time. These kids were at a farm at a bon fire, when they decided to go to a different farm. There were several guys on 4-wheeler going to the other farm. Some of them had passengers on the back. Taylor and his roommate---Jake Masters--were on his. Taylor was behind the others, but knowing Tay he did not like being last, so he thought he would pass the other kid. It was dark and the lights on the 4wheelers are not all that great, so Tay could not see all that well. Tay hit the back tire of the 4-wheeler in front of him and started to lose control. He went off into the ditch, but the ditch was not that deep, so Tay just straddled it. The kids say he was in the ditch for 100 to 150 ft, then at the last minute he probably seen the culvert. It is a huge under the road culvert. As Tay tried to pull his four wheeler out---he almost made it---his back tire caught the cement part of the culvert. When Tay's bike caught that culvert, it flipped him over into the ditch, which was much deeper and had two rocks beside a little stream. Taylor was flipped into the that ditch and he hit his head on one of the rocks. Jake was thrown over the ditch and landed in the field and ended up with only a scratch on his head. I wanted to just scream why could not Taylor have been thrown into the field, or even land in the deep ditch, but why did he have to hit the rock, but I had to hang onto the thought once again-----God was in control---He never makes a mistake---and nothing can happen without going through God's hands---I had to hang onto this thought with both hands----I will tell you more about this on the day that I finally went to visit his sight. Anyway back to Jeff. About 12:10 his cell phone rings. He is asleep or just going to sleep. At first he did not think all that much about it, because Taylor had a habit of, but usually through texts, asking if he could stay out later, or maybe stay all night at a friends house. Tay was always good at letting us know where he was when it was time for him to be coming home. But when Jeff opened his cell phone and seen it was a call from Kathy Marty, his heart started to pound because he knew this was not a good thing. Kathy Marty's daughter and Tay were best friends and always or alot of the time were together. When he picked it up, She says you need to get to the Dunlap Hospital right away Taylor was in an accident. She said her and her husband would follow Jeff to the hospital. I asked Jeff later what was going through his mind. He said he thought Taylor was hurt, and maybe now he had learned his lesson and would want to get rid of his 4 wheeler----Jeff hated that thing, and I must say I really didn't like it either. I knew it was dangerous, but I really did not think Taylor would end up getting killed on it. Kathy said she just thought too, he had some broken bones and be in the hospital for a while. They got to the hospital right after the ambulance got there. They already had Taylor in the ER. Jeff and the Marty's walk into the ER and Jeff asks how is Taylor, the nurse says it is not good. Then Kathy and Jeff walk down the hall in the ER to Taylor's room. Jeff said the curtain was open a couple of feet. He says when they walk in, a doctor is on one side of Taylor and a nurse on the other side. The doctor looks at Jeff and slowly shakes his head and says "I am so sorry". They don't remember it, but people in the waiting room said they both started to scream. Jeff stays with Taylor---Jeff said Taylor looked just like he was sleeping, just alittle blood on his teeth and little blood in his ears. Kathy goes back out into the waiting room where lot of the kids from the bon fire had come to see which bone Taylor had broken. Taylor was accident prone, so the kids were not too surprised he was in the hospital ER. Kathy says she can barely remember what happened next, she does remember going back out to the waiting room and falling to her knees and saying he is gone. Of course the kids were in shock and hysterical. Jake Master the one on with Taylor and also Taylor's roommate at college ran outside-----they had to go looking for him. Some of these kids mom and dad's came to be with their kids. Kathy tells Jeff you need to call your family, so I am not sure who he called first, but Barb, Dave, Bev, Randy, Neil, Jer, Ellen all came. After Jeff made that horrible call to us in Illinois, Diane called Max and told him to go with Jeff at the hospital. Rachel Miller had already Texted Amber and told her, so she got up and went to her dad's, so they both came to the hospital to be with Jeff. They all went back into the room where Taylor was and stood around the bed. Amber said too, Taylor looked like he was sleeping, so much so that Jeff would say, "come on Taylor get up it is time to go home." His mind also was going into shock. Barb told me later that as she stood around that bed looking at Taylor a real peace came over her. At the time she said she could not figure out why that would be, here is Taylor dead and she had this peace. She said she did not tell anyone about it at first, but she said after she heard what God had shown me and Amber, she then understood the peace. God had Taylor home with Him. Later they went outside to wait for the corner to come and pronounce him dead. Barb said as they stood outside nobody saying a word, it was very silent except for the locust. She said the corner came out went over to Jeff and said " I am so sorry, the only thing I seen was a broken neck" then got into her car and left. Her job was done, but our lives have been changed forever. Barb said they just stood there in silence. They all offered either to take Jeff home with them or have somebody come and stay the rest of the night with him, which I am not sure what time it was by now, but probably getting close to morning. Jeff chose to go home by himself. He said he needed time by himself. He knew people would soon be coming to our house, but "our" house was a total disaster. Brooke had just totalled her car the week before. She could have also been killed, but as we can see very clearly God has the date of our birth and the date of our death all marked out before we are even born. Her work here on earth is not yet finished. A little side note----when she had her accident on the Saturday before---I had texted Taylor and told him about it. He responded very quickly with a phone call to get the details and then he came home soon after. I remember him going upstair into the bathroom where Brooke was and giving her a big hug saying I am so glad you are alright. We were so thankful that she was not hurt any worse than a few bruises and scrapes, but little did we know that exactly one week later Taylor would be killed. Again, what was God doing-----nothing is by circumstances, He has a plan for every thing. We have thought on this and I will give our thought on this later. Anyway, back to Jeff. We had to clean out Brooke's SUV right away when they totalled it,they take it away from you---- and if you know Brooke she does not travel lightly---she was on her way home from MI when it happened. So, we dumped all the stuff in the middle of the livingroom. We had been gone the weekend before and I had little time to clean the house before we left for Illinois. It always enters my mind when we go away that if something happens people will be coming to our house, so I usually try to have it reasonably clean when I leave on a trip, but not this time. I done it a hundred times before and nothing ever happened. So, Jeff had to spend the rest of the night cleaning. Somewhere along the night, Jerry took Jeff over to where the bon fire was to get Taylor's truck and bring it home. That was a very hard thing to do, drive his truck home, knowing Taylor was in it only hours before. He put it way back under the trees in the back of our property, which is where it still is. I was thankful he did that, so it would not be the first thing we would see when we pulled into the drive. That pretty much wraps up the day for Jeff-----again a day that is a parent's worst nightmare. Jesus was weeping with us, but at those moments, we were too much in shock to feel him, but soon very soon, we realize there is no where to turn but to Jesus. Thank you all who are praying for us----please continue!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
A Day I Will Never Forget
Aug. 15, 2009 Diane and I got up earlier than the kids, we got ready in our nice big bathrooms. Then while the kids were getting ready, we decided to go upstairs and see if we could find a place to make our breakfast. We found a really nice dinning area. We figured out it must be where the "assistant living" people eat. We thought, we are almost that age :), so they probably would not care if we ate our breakfast, before they came in for lunch. When we all where ready, we came back to mom's and visited with the family for while, before it was time to go to Bloomington to finish up last minute things before the wedding. We got to the wedding late--well late in Dawn's eyes. I guess there was a little misunderstanding, she thought we were to be there earlier. But she could not be mad too long, she was busy getting ready for her big day. I again, was in the "boys" room helping Spencer get his tux on right. Warren was in there too, so was talking with him. We were all happy, the day was beautiful, sunny and warm. Mom and dad made it and dad was feeling good---that in itself is a blessing, because he has many more bad days than good. We were all outside taking pictures, everybody with smiles on their faces. Now as I look at some of these pictures with us all so happy, I find myself thinking several hours later, I will be experiencing the worst tragedy of my life, and my life will never be the same again. . But of course I did not know that, so I was busy taking pictures of my handsome boy in the tux, and Brooke with grandma. The wedding went well. Bill's son played a very beautiful song for them to walk in on. After the wedding we all went outside to meet them and for the toasts to be made. Guess what----they did remember my birthday. Dawn had told her maid of honor, so in her toast she said it and then had everybody sing "happy birthday". Of course I had to stand out front on the porch and I had to think of something to say, but all I could think of was I will never forget Dawn's anniversary-----little did I know, I would never forget that day but for completely different reasons. I sometimes wonder why did God pick that day---my birthday and her wedding day to take my son home. I will probably never know the reason, but I try to think God does not make mistakes---His timing and plans are perfect. As you will see, I need to keep reminding myself that many times through this journey. The reception was over around 7:30-8:00 and it is time to go home. I drove mom and dad to the wedding, and they were tired and ready to go, so we left. God had blessed the day---dad was still doing pretty well for a long day, everything went as planned. Everybody was coming back to mom's to visit a little more. We all got back about 9:30. Mom said she and dad were just going to bed, they were really tired. April and Mark put the twins to bed and since it was just a beautiful night the rest of us decided we would change out of those wedding clothes and into shorts and go for a walk. It was warm out, the locust were making a lot of noise. We all said, they are much louder in Illinois than in Indiana, or Ohio. We walked all over town. We finally got back about 10:30. Spencer went into the livingroom to check up on his "my space", Brooke and I were standing in the kitchen, everybody else was in the family room visiting. Spencer heard my phone ring, which was in my purse right beside him. He did not answer it, but was coming out to tell me, when Brooke's phone started to ring. I was sort a watching her face, because I thought it was kinda late to be getting a call. I almost seen immediately that something was not right, her face was changing and she kept saying "I can not understand what you are saying". I kept saying "who is it". Pretty soon, she just hands the phone to me and says "it is dad, I can't understand him". Dread filled my heart and mind-----I already knew before he even told me---it was Taylor, but I did not think it was going to be as bad as it turned out to be. As I took the phone from her, all I could hear was a bunch of yelling and sobbing, but I did catch a few words and those words will be forever etched in my mind and heart. He said "Taylor was in a terrible accident". I could not stand to hear what was coming next, so I handed or more like it I threw the phone to Diane. She, as the rest of them---Keith, Autumn, April,(Mark had gone to bed) Warren, and Maggie were all laughing and talking, they did not even hear the phone ringing. They knew, which I am sure by the look on my face, this was very serious as I tossed her the phone, saying "Taylor was in a terrible accident" All eyes were on Diane as she took the phone and moved over to the rocking chair. Jeff did not realize I had given the phone to Diane and he kept saying, or trying to say between terrible sobbing that Taylor is gone----mom, we lost our boy. Diane knew we were all looking at her and hoping and praying for the best, but expecting the worst, or at least I was. Diane very clearly said back to Jeff----Taylor is gone. She said it mostly for us to hear, but also to make sure she got it right. She could not take anymore either, so she handed the phone to Warren. I have no idea what happened next, all I heard was Taylor is gone. I went to the floor---I think I sat, but not sure and held my head and kept saying "This can't be true-----this can't be true----He can't be gone----why couldn't he be hurt---My body was going into shock----I started to shake uncontrollably. I never cried, I only shook and kept saying this can't be true----. Keith went back into the bedroom and got Mark up. Some were crying, but most were just in shock. We went in and out the front door at mom's many many times, but I am so thankful neither one of them woke up----because we knew they were both exhausted and needed sleep and knew the next week they would get little of that. I was thankful that we were all together. We were always a close family, but this horrible experience has bonded us even on a deeper level----Keith is the one that usually has the funny one-liners and can always make you laugh, but when it is time for somebody to take charge---Keith was there and ready. As we all went outside, Keith grabs his cell phone and calls Neil and tells Neil what has happened and that somehow we have to get our family (Brooke, Spencer and I) back to Ohio as soon as possible. First they were going to fly us back, but that was not going to work. Keith then remembers he has extended family in Illinois, he calls them and tells them what has happened and asked if we could take back their van and they can drive our cars back. At this point I still thought I could drive my own car back, but later realized my body was in shock mode. As we all are in great distress, Mark says remember nobody knows yet, so nobody is praying for us, but by tomorrow everybody will know and we will feel the prayers. Little did we know, that the death of Taylor was spreading fast. By now it is probably around 2:30 and we all think we better try to rest alittle. All I could think was my Taylor, my Boy is gone-----how can this possibly be true. But of course the really big question in my mind, which I was too scared to even voice was 'where is Taylor". I could take it no longer, Brooke was sitting on the floor beside me, I turned and grabbed her face and I put my face two inches from hers and I said Brooke, he is in eternity---where is he. I knew he loved God, but he never really proclaimed his profession of faith to me with his mouth. This made me shake even more----I could feel myself thinking---God --why did you do this----I prayed so hard for that kid---his protection, his salvation---I prayed please don't take him unprepared. I will explain later what God showed me about that. So, now it was time for us, Brooke, Spencer, Diane, and me to go back to our nursing home rooms. The night before they were a nice place to go to get away, now they seems like a prison. Nobody said a word on the ride over, which is probably five miles---the only thing was Jeff called again and said that the corner told him after he examined Taylor the only thing he found wrong with him was a broken neck. I found myself saying again, why could it not have been a broken leg or both legs, arms anything but his neck. I wish I could say I felt God's presence at this horrible time, but I felt nothing but extreme shock and horror---my mind was shutting off. When we finally got back to our room, we said nothing as we took the elevator down to our rooms in the basement. The kids came into our room and sat on the bed for awhile, but I can not remember one word that was said at that time. Finally at about 3:30 we finally said we better shut off the light and lay on our pillows, because I knew that was all I would be doing. As I lay there---shock and horror just paralyzed my body. I will journal Jeff's side of this horrible day tomorrow. I hope the counselor was right that this will end up being a healing process by going through it day by day. I know it is going to be hard to relive every moment of this horrible experience, but I hope and pray everybody that ends up reading this will see God's mercy, power, comfort, and His Amazing Grace. Good night!
The Beginning of my journey
Aug. 13, 2009. The day started out with excitment in the air, Diane, Brooke, Spencer and I were packed and ready to head for mom and dad's. We decided to leave around 11:00, so we would get there after supper. We didn't want to add to mom's stress of having to cook us dinner. Mom was rather nervous because a lot of family were coming in for my sister's wedding. Mom is in her eighty's so company can makes her "stressed". I went over to pick Diane up, because it was my turn to drive to Illinois. By the time we got all her stuff packed and ready to go it was noon. As we went by my house to catch our route, I seen Taylor's truck home for lunch. I thought about stopping in to tell him "good bye", but decided not to, because we were already running late. If I only would have known that was the last time I would have seen him---nothing would have stopped me from stopping in and giving him a hug and a kiss----but of course I didn't know. We actually had a very nice trip out to Illinois. We all were alittle stressed because the wedding was out of mom and dad's comfort zone and was hoping and praying all would go well. My dad is not in very good health, but he was planning on going.
Aug. 14, 2009 We got up early and went down to Bloomington to help Dawn with some of the food for the wedding. Dawn's husband-to-be and his kids came in from MI. The guys went to pick up the tuxes. Spencer was an usher, so he had to wear one. Since they ordered them all in Bloomington, Spencer and I were back in the bedroom trying his on while everybody else was busy working-----I wonder did they miss our help--probably not. I have to say myself, he was very good looking in his tux and it fit perfectly. I could hardly wait to see him at the wedding ushering people in. It did bring back memories several years before Taylor was in Steph's wedding. He looked just as cute or I should say handsome. Later in the afternoon, we all went to the place they were going to get married and decorated, or I should say Diane and I watched as the ones with talent decorated. Then we had the rehearsal and then the best part- out to dinner. We all were having a good time, meeting new people, laughing and talking. Then it was time to go back to mom's. Since Mark, April, Morgan, Max, Keith, Autumn, Warren, Maggie were all staying at mom's, there really was not room for the rest of us. Mom said the nursing home had two rooms in the basement that they rent out to guest. She said that they also had two big bathrooms. So Diane, Brooke, Spencer and I decided we would go there, or it was decided for us, but that was ok, because we thought it might be nice to get away from so many people for a while. On top of that, we would get two big bathrooms for four people, instead of four people to one bathroom. We got to the nursing home and got our key, but found our room down a basement that almost felt like a dungon, almost scary. We talked to the kids for a little bit, but decided we better get to bed, because tomorrow is going to be a very big day and it was my birthday---but who would remember that with the wedding we were going to.
Aug. 14, 2009 We got up early and went down to Bloomington to help Dawn with some of the food for the wedding. Dawn's husband-to-be and his kids came in from MI. The guys went to pick up the tuxes. Spencer was an usher, so he had to wear one. Since they ordered them all in Bloomington, Spencer and I were back in the bedroom trying his on while everybody else was busy working-----I wonder did they miss our help--probably not. I have to say myself, he was very good looking in his tux and it fit perfectly. I could hardly wait to see him at the wedding ushering people in. It did bring back memories several years before Taylor was in Steph's wedding. He looked just as cute or I should say handsome. Later in the afternoon, we all went to the place they were going to get married and decorated, or I should say Diane and I watched as the ones with talent decorated. Then we had the rehearsal and then the best part- out to dinner. We all were having a good time, meeting new people, laughing and talking. Then it was time to go back to mom's. Since Mark, April, Morgan, Max, Keith, Autumn, Warren, Maggie were all staying at mom's, there really was not room for the rest of us. Mom said the nursing home had two rooms in the basement that they rent out to guest. She said that they also had two big bathrooms. So Diane, Brooke, Spencer and I decided we would go there, or it was decided for us, but that was ok, because we thought it might be nice to get away from so many people for a while. On top of that, we would get two big bathrooms for four people, instead of four people to one bathroom. We got to the nursing home and got our key, but found our room down a basement that almost felt like a dungon, almost scary. We talked to the kids for a little bit, but decided we better get to bed, because tomorrow is going to be a very big day and it was my birthday---but who would remember that with the wedding we were going to.
You decided-----Read or not to Read
A friend told me that she decided to start a blog to journal her thoughts and feelings. As I thought about that, I decided that might be a good idea. A counselor told me that one way to work through grief was to journal my feelings and thoughts. Even though, I am not really one to write out my thought, I thought at this point I will try anything. I was just going to keep it personal---just for me to reread someday if I ever wanted to, but as I was thinking about this God revealed to me that I should let anyone read it. So, that is what I am going to do. But before you decide to read this, know that it is going to be very personal, deep and painful, but through the pain and grieving I hope you see God's name being Glorified.
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