In the Middle of Tragedy, God's Mercy and Comfort is Present

Today is Monday, and Taylor would have gone back to school. As i think back, Taylor had a lot of good traits, but being neat was not one of them. I could have the house fairly clean and he would come home from school and in hours he could make one mess after another. We would barely get it all cleaned up and it was Thursday and time for him to be coming home again. Brooke and I use to joke, we would say it is Thursday again, it just seems like Taylor left and here it is time for him to come home again------What I wouldn't give to have that problem again.
Last night we went to Max's to celebrate April and Aquinnah's birthdays. Their whole family was there. We now spend alot of time together. I can not say how much each and every one of them, all in different ways have been pillars in our lives. They have cried with us, held us up, listened to us tell our story over and over, and was just there when we needed them. I have learned never to take family for granted---life can change in a instant. We noticed we did not talk the whole evening about Taylor. This has been the first time since it all happened, so maybe we are beginning to heal tiny bit by tiny bit.
When we got home last night, the Rheems were here. They are the ones that was having the bon fire that fateful night of Taylor's accident. Deb Rheem told me her side of the story which I never heard. She said they were home and Sara Marty came running into their house saying Taylor has been in an accident. Deb was there when the ambulance was there trying to get Taylor out of the ditch. She said the kids were also trying to help get him out, one kid keep saying "Hang on Tay, Hang on". Deb said by the look on the paramedic's face she knew it was bad. She said that they put a neck brace on him, but not the blocks to stabilize his neck. She said by that she pretty much knew he was gone, but the kids, well most of them did not have a clue it was that bad. They were talking about what hospital they thought he would go to. Deb did look at me last night and said, even if Taylor would have lived, he most likely would have been paralyzed from the neck down. She said the helmet might have saved his life, but hitting the rock that hard would have broken his neck anyway. As I thought about that, Taylor would have died either way. He died quick this way, but he would have died being paralyzed too, but just a slow death. He was never one to sit around one minute----I think he had a touch of ADD, always on the move. God knew Taylor would have hated living life in a wheel chair, He just took him home with Him-----God's plan is always perfect!!!

OK back to the days of the accident. Minutes after we got that phone call (Saturday night), Warren said let's all just pray. We all got on our knees, probably because none, or at least I could not stand anymore. Warren pleaded with God to help us all----the first of many many prayers prayed on our behalf. When we got back to those nursing home rooms and the kids were in our room, we said let's all pray that God will show us just one sign that Taylor is in Heaven. We would have had a prayer all together, but none of us had the strength to pray out loud, so we all prayed by our beds to God silently. After laying in bed for several hours, my phone starts to ring. Diane and I just look at each and moaned---there were no words to say. I did not answer the phone, but did look and seen it was Luann. I knew she would be mourning almost as bad as we were. She is a very good friend and Jed and Taylor grew up together and were good friends. We decided it was probably time to get up, we then listened to Luann's voice mail, and it was so mournful that Diane and I just moaned and went and layed back on the bed. Pretty soon my phone rang again, once again, I did not answer it. It was Sheila, another very good friend-----even though she did not know Taylor well, she was mourning deeply with us. We thought we had to get up and get back to mom, but could barely walk. We did tell Warren the night before that to tell mom and dad before we got there so they would know. I did not think I could tell anyone that terrible news, not even my mom and dad. We could not say Taylor was killed or even dead, that sounded so unreal, so surreal, whatever, just something that could not possibly be true. I walk into the bathroom (which was so nice and big the day before, now had terrible memories) and looked into the mirror. I kept saying in the mirror, this can't possibly be true, just how am I ever going to get through this horrible thing. I walked out of the bathroom and Brooke was just standing outside of her door and we just looked at each other and fell into each others arms and just sobbed. This is the first time I truly sobbed so hard I almost fell to my knees. I looked at Diane and said how am I ever going to get through this and like Diane said in her "comments", it was like God said right then, you are not going to get through this, I am going to carry you. Diane went into her bathroom and when she came out she came right over to where I was trying to stand and says God has given me a real peace that Taylor is in Heaven----remember that was our prayer the night before---just one sign. I loved to hear that, but I wanted something I could hang onto forever---something clear. So, I went in by my bed and got on my knees and pleaded with God----I prayed, Please God, If Taylor is with You in Heaven, Please give me a Very Clear sign that I can hang onto forever and i will try with your Grace to Praise your Name through this horrible experience. I go up from my bed, knowing in my heart God could be silent----I told Diane what I had just prayed,---(I will never forget what she said)----She said, I can almost promise you God will answer your prayer very soon. I do believe that was God working through her in telling me that, because why else would she had said that. Later when I was telling Randy G. this prayer, he said Wow, God put that prayer in your heart,because on your own, you could never have prayed that. Now, we start to pack up all our stuff to go back to mom's. It was Sunday morning and people now in the nursing home are getting ready to go to church. When we walk out the door to the car, we see people and say Hi to them, think if you only knew how our lives have been changed, but we didn't mention a word to anyone. We now drive back to mom's. A slow drive because we know when we get back there reality is going to set in. It really is going to be true. As we pull into their drive Pete W. is coming out of the house, I barely get out of the car and fall into his arms and start to sob. I was sobbing so hard on his chest that I am sure he had to take his suit jacket to cleaners to be cleaned. News was traveling fast, people were hearing it as they were getting to Forrest church and some heard it even before. We barely get into the house and i see mom at the table, well that is all it took and I was sobbing again. Within minutes, people were starting to come to the house, mostly very close friends. Marlene, Duane, Shirley, Warren came first, I sobbed in each of their arms. Then on of my best friends walks in the door---I am not sure what happened next, but I cried a million tears. Jeff calls and says where are you guys, are you about half way home, we had to say we had not even left yet. He was here at home, with people coming in both doors. There were people every where, but we were still 400 miles away. So, we thought we should probably leave. Warren said again, let's have a prayer first. We all joined hands and again Warren prayed for God's help, then mom and dad both prayed, we were all in tears and now it was time for us to leave. I forgot to say that when we pulled into mom's drive there was a strange van sitting in the drive. We just moaned again because the night before they were trying to get some Apostolic person from Forrest to drive us back. Not that we were not appreciative, but we did not feel like going anywhere with people we did not know. Keith had it all worked out, He got this van from his relation and he was going to drive us back and somebody was taking my car and Autumn's car back in a day or two. Now Keith, Autumn, Diane, Brooke, Spencer and I crawl out to this van and leave. April, Mark and twins drive behind us. We pull out of the drive and wave good-bye knowing this is going to be the longest trip of our lives. Diane and I have often talked about how would that be if somebody called and said that mom or dad had died and we had to make that seven hour trip knowing that, never in our wildest dream did we ever think it would be reversed and it would be one of my kids. It is a good thing God has us take one day at a time, because if we could see into the future I would never have enjoyed Taylor's life, I would have had my mind focused on how much time he had left each day that passed. I am not sure who looked worse me, Diane, or the kids---probably me, my eyes were almost swollen shut by now by doing so much crying. We all just sit in the van not saying a word, staring into space and every once in awhile I would start to cry. After about 45 minutes to an hour later, i thought I better look at my phone to see if Jeff had called, because when we were at mom's I just left it in my purse in the van. When I open up the phone, I seen one missed call. It didn't say the number, so I just assumed it was going to be Jeff asking where are you by now. I started to listen and it started out as saying one of Taylor's teachers, I thought I could care less what some teacher wants now. I thought it was teacher from his college calling about something. I almost just shut it off, but by God's Grace I continued to listen. It was Craig Wellert, but actually it was God speaking, He was just using Craig. Remember when Diane said God will answer your prayer soon, well it was probably 4 hours between the time I prayed that prayer and this phone call----God was showing His Amazing Grace and mercy to me. Thank you Jesus!!! I will tell you just part of what Craig said, more on that later, anyway, he said that he had several conversations with Taylor in his office and Taylor expressed to him that he had Christ in his heart and that he was a Christian. Then Craig finished with I know that Taylor was a Christian------and we will see him in heaven. I looked at Diane and through my tears I said you have to listen to this---I opened my phone up so it would be on speaker phone for all to hear in the van. Needles to say we all took to sobbing when we heard what Craig was saying, but like I said we all knew it was God speaking to us---saying, I am weeping with you, but know Taylor is with me.---a side note----Amber had a very good sign from God too that Taylor is enjoying the mansion that God is preparing for us---I will tell you more about that later. Now back to this call from Craig. That call in itself was very comforting and beautiful. Now, pay attentionto this, and what I must remember too, it how God orchestrated it all and that not only does it make it beautiful but magnificent. Craig goes to Luann's church. Luann said that she almost did not go to church that Sunday, because she had done so much sobbing and felt terrible, but at the last minute she decides to go. She goes and usually they make the announcements at the beginning of the service, but this Sunday they do it at the end. They announce what had happened to Taylor then calls Craig out of the congregation to lead them in prayer. He prays that Taylor is in heaven and after he is done Luann runs over to him and says what made you say that and then he tells her the story. Luann tells him he must call me to tell me. When he calls me, my phone is in the car, so I do not answer it and it all goes on my voice mail. If I would have had my phone with me and answered it, I would never have remembered all he said and we could not have had Autumn and Keith type it all out and hand them out at his view as a witness to Jesus. When my phone was ringing in the van, Brooke was out there and heard it and even picked up my phone to answer it, but then decided not too, because she didn't know the number. So, God was in it every step of the way----Autumn took my phone after that call and forward it to Jeff's, Brooke's phones so we would not lose it. When she did that Jeff did not hear it either, until later, but it was a great encouragement to him too. After that call, our hearts were still broken into a million pieces, but one little piece did have joy in it. God wanted us to know Taylor was with him, and He did not make me wait long for an answer----again, God is about Love, Compassion, Grace. It was a very quiet ride home, mostly everybody caught up in their own thoughts. We did stop twice for who ever wanted to get something to eat or drink. I do remember going into one place and seeing people laughing and talking and thought if you only knew the horror I am living right now---I will never see my son again on earth alive. As we get to Upper Sandusky and we only have two hours from home, I start to think I am not ready for all this----I just want to stay in this van and drive forever. About an hour before we are to get home, Keith calls back to the house and tells them where we are and thought maybe it would be best if most of the people left----well that didn't quite work out that way. I remember driving down Apple creek almost home now and a terrible dread coming and dwelling in my heart. When we get to our lane, we see cars everywhere, Diane and I just give out a moan. We really are not ready for this. Our eyes again must have slipped from Jesus, because all I wanted to do was crawl in the house and go to bed. We stop the van and we start to get out, people are coming out of the house. I just sit there in the van not wanting to move, not wanting any of it to be true. I look over at Brooke she is getting out, but only makes it to the front of the van, when she falls on the ground. I am not sure who goes helps her up. I finally crawl out into Jeff's arms, we just hang onto each other and weep. Then I am not sure what all happened next, I think we just went from one person to the next sobbing. Pretty soon, Jeff comes out of the house and says to the garage full of people, I have something I want you all to hear, this is all that is keeping me going. He now plays that message from Craig about Taylor being a Christian. I am standing beside Jeff and I know this was also God. I was so weak by this time, I had not slept, or ate much of anything in the last thirty hours. I got strentgh from God and after they were done listening to that message, I said I want to tell you the rest of the story----I said how I had prayed that prayer and how fast God answered it, and also about Brooke not answering the phone---I just knew God was in all this and He wanted me to proclaim His work so that His name could be Glorified. It was interesting though, so see the reaction on people faces, some looked at me like I could maybe be still in shock and deceived and others rejoiced with me. I guess that did hurt me some, but then it was later revealed to me it does not matter what man thinks, this sign was for me and man is not the judge,and God was saying I am the judge and Taylor is with me. Jesus, I love you!! More people came, I guess some how they found out we were going to be home by 8:00. It was nice they all came, but to tell you the truth I can't remember much about what anybody said or who was here, it was becoming a haze. After awhile they did start to leave, and when they all left, I remember standing out in the garage by myself and thinking I really do not want to go into that house----that is where I am going to see Taylor everywhere I look. I did finally come in. Diane and Max were still here. Brooke somewhere along the line had came into the house and went up and was laying on Taylor's bed, just smelling his scent on the sheets----. Jeff says we have an appointment with Gillman's at 10:00 tomorrow, we need to pick out clothes for Taylor. I had to sit on a chair, and again think I can not do this!!!!! But God does supply the grace when needed---actually he supplied Diane and Brooke that night. They went up to his room and picked out a shirt and pants for him to wear. They did not pick out a clean one, but one that had his Cologne and deodorant on.They wanted it to be so Taylor, and it was! It was one he wore to church and probably never threw in the wash. As they brought the clothes down, I just sat on the couch with my head in my hands sobbing---saying I can't believe this---it can't be true. Spencer would not even go into his room which he shared with Taylor. So, now there hung Taylor's clothes in the kitchen which he was going to buried in----my mind could not take anymore------I could not even pray that night before bed, I just could only moan, but does it not say the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when we moan----I am sure that is what was going on that night. Even though, I was extremely thankful that God had answered my prayer and gave us great comfort in that phone call, I was exhausted and wanted to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and pretend none of the horror was true, but it was and now please continue to pray for us----thanks.