Sunday

I am feeling really sad today, so I don't think I am going to write about day two. It was a very emotional day, and I don't think I can do that today. I am really missing Taylor today. It just seems like every where I look today is Taylor. We are trying to work with his financial aid loans and see if we are responsible for them. I keep looking at all the classes he had taken and his graduation date----I know he did not like school all that much, but just knowing he is not there and he is not going to graduate with the other kids is sad. I feel like today, is one of those days where I could just sit in a chair and stare into space. The counselor said a lot of the time, anger will be one of the steps. I can feel that sometimes now, but I think getting angry is such a wasted emotion. I could get angry at Taylor---why did you have to be so careless and reckless----or God could you not have protected him. I think my eyes have slipped off Jesus and onto my circumstance today---I am looking again at all the losses. I am mourning for me and all the losses I am experiencing----well for Taylor, he is not mourning, he is spending another day with Jesus and i know he would say "mom, don't cry---I hate to see you cry, I am doing great and see ya soon. Well that is easier said than done. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I do find grieving is like an illness. Ya know when somebody is sick with an illness, they will say yesterday was a good day, but today I felt so sick I just stayed in bed all day. Well that is the way grieving is, one day I may feel not so bad, and for no apparent reason the next day I can barely put one foot in front of the other. I can say it does teach me a lot about compassion. Jesus, help me to refocus back onto you---Fix my eyes on Jesus and I will be in perfect peace!!