Today started out gloomy and looking like rain (is that something new for Ohio :)). It was so windy that I decided to go back out to the cemetery to see how my beautiful white roses were doing----a lot more rain and wind has hit since I was there on Wednesday. But after my meltdown on Wednesday, I was not sure I was ready, or even wanted to go back so soon, but decided i needed to check those flowers. As I drove up that long drive, my thoughts took a different street. Instead of the street of loneliness and terrible sadness, they took the street straight to Jesus's heart for comfort. I seen the flowers were all knocked over and so was the vase, but the flowers still have been protected. They still looked really good--all opened up, but not wilted yet---not like they had weathered monsoon rains and lots of wind. I picked them up and put water back in the vase. (side note, I found out I was the third one out there today to set them back up-----Taylor, you are a loved boy by many---) As I sat in my car---too windy. There were alot of clouds in the sky, but the sun was shinning though---making a silver lining. As I sat there, I had to think, some day Jesus is going to come through those clouds with trumpets blowing and ten thousand angels singing -Wow! how great will that be!! and Taylor will be with him. Jesus told us the dead will rise first. Will I be looking for Taylor, probably not at first. My eyes, i am sure, will be fixed on Jesus's face, but soon after that I will be hugging Taylor----he will probably be saying "mom, not so tight, can't breathe". What a Day that Will Be.
Last night before i went to sleep, i was reading this book called "When God and Grief meet" In those pages I read, God gave me a verse in that book, to which I thought was very powerful, especially for me at this time in my journey. It is Deut. 31:81---.THE LORD HIMSELF GOES BEFORE ME & WILL BE WITH ME. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME. DO NO BE A AFRAID, DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED" God just knew I needed that verse after this week. When I got up this morning, I decided I was going to think on that verse and study it. I thought, that is a promise and Jesus never breaks promises, so it has to be true, today, tomorrow, and always----so i need to grab a hold with both hands and remember this one. I had to think Jesus is always with me, in fact He is already in my tomorrow's. He is always just a whisper away, and He is never going to leave---it is me that moves from Him and lets go of this promise---at least for a little while. I also thought, Jesus did not say, I will sent an angel instead of Myself , but He said He was going Himself---how comforting is that! Just why is it so easy to let go of a promise like that from Jesus and look at my circumstances and let satan pull me back into the streets of pain, loneliness and discouragement that comes with that. So, I am thinking out in the cemetery and looking up into the clouds---knowing Jesus is right there looking down saying those exact words to me in that verse. i had to think when my kids were little, like maybe kindergarten or even younger (not so much Taylor--he had much "tougher'" skin than Spencer---anyway he would every so often come home with tears running down his cheeks because some kid had hurt his feelings or took something he thought was his.(at first, i may not have reacted much like Jesus , instead I would have wanted to get a hold of that kid that hurt Spencer and get revenge)but most of the time, I would take Spencer and set him on my lap and hold him close to my heart and talk with him----that was always calming and he knew I was there for him---I was not leaving him, he knew I loved him, I could just see a calmness come over him, and he felt everything was going to be fine---he trusted me to make everything alright . But I thought, I will fail Spencer many many times in life, but Jesus will never break a promise to me, or fail me.
With this verse, I could visualize myself getting that close to Jesus, in his arms, with my head on his chest---I am so close I could hear his heart beating. Fear, discouragement, loneliness all leaves. Now the key is to stay there, but satan certainly does not want that----he would never win a single battle. It does help me to memorize these verses that are promises and say them over and over, but I must say some days, in fact, alot of days, I lose the battle and fall into 'self" mode and fall into a puddle of tears. So again,what makes it so easy to let go of these promises, and let satan take me down the street of despair, loneliness, discouragement so often. Why can't i just keep that thought--Jesus in already in my tomorrow, and He is never going to leave me.. He will never pull away from me, so it is always me that pulls away. I guess, it just shows how weak man is----that is why prayer from all of you is so important--In my weakness, sometimes I can't even pray, just moans and gr0ans.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Flowers
Seeing God in the mist of extreme sadness and loneliness. On Tuesday afternoon, Jeff came home and said through tears that somebody was out visiting Taylor and left 12 white roses. Not just one, but 12 beautiful white roses. Jeff and i decided to go out there and put them in a vase. They were just laying there by the mums. We opened up what they were wrapped in and put them in a vase. By this time it was evening and getting dark, but they were so pretty that I took some pictures of them. I had to think, his friends are hurting and missing Taylor in a terrible too. Most of them have not experienced death at all, most still have their grandparents--- please pray for them. Later than night, when I woke up and heard all the raining, I thought all those pretty rose petals will be knocked off and the vase will probably be knocked over too. i just prayed, God please protect those flowers. I know I have so many other thinks to be praying for, just why would i be praying for those flowers---I don't know,--maybe I just wanted them to be beautiful for a little bit longer. The next day was Wednesday and it was once again time for Diane and I to go clean the dentist office. We do take alot of breaks while cleaning, but today Luann decided to stop by and we probably did more visiting than cleaning----Oh well, we did get it done, just took longer. When we were done, i took Diane home and decided I would go check up on the flowers. I was once again listening to the song "Far Side Banks of Jordon". I know this is my song for when I meet Taylor on the shores of Heaven. If you have not listened to it---it is a song with a powerful message. As I was driving up that long lane to the cemetery, all that kept running through my mind was "this is not right, it is just not right---he should not be back here---he is the only 20 year old boy in this whole place." As I get to the opening, I just say a little "arrow prayer, please let those flowers be fine, and Lord just please let the sun shine even alittle bit. It had been cloudy ever since I left and now it looked like it could start to rain any minute. As I turn the corner to go up to Taylor, I see the beautiful white rose still standing perfectly and blowing in the wind. I get out of the car and walk over to Tay and just stand there looking at those roses, when I realize they have all opened up and they were what God created them to be --gorgeous----one would never have imagined they spent a night out in the rain. God protected them---as little as it may seem, God answered that prayer. As I am standing there, I can feel this overwhelming sense of sadness and loneliness welling up inside of my heart. It is almost what one could call unbearable. As i stand there looking at his picture (Amber put up a cross with some flowers and a picture of Taylor at the beach holding little Max)I feel my heart starting to break into a million pieces again. At this point, I realize that the sun has come out and is shining right on Taylor's face in that picture---yes, it is also shining on the flowers, but I don't even notice that because my focus is on Tay's face . I take to sobbing so hard that I can hardly stand up. I know God is right there with me, He showed me with the the beauty of the flowers and His presence with the sun shining. It was like God was saying, I love you, and yes I know this is terrible, but I will help you through this, just hang on. I felt all this, but I just keep thinking, or at this point I think I am saying it out loud. I want you home, Tay, I want you at our dinner table with the rest of us, I want you in bed at night, I want you to be able to go on vacation with us again, I want to just hold you in my arms. By this time I am sobbing so hard, I can't even see his picture anymore. I realize that this is not helping me at all and I need to bring God into this conversation---so I just pray--"Please God, Please help me, Please just help me to understand this even just a little bit---Please help me through this terrible journey." I did not hear or see anyone coming up that long lane to the cemetery. i did not see them drive in, nor did I see anyone come around that curve over by Taylor. I just heard alittle beep and looked up to see April and Diane in the car. I thought God is so faithful---He brought help just when He knew I could take no more. They get out of the car and walk over to me and we just stand there in complete silence looking at Taylor's grave. When I can not take the terrible ache in my heart anymore, I start sobbing again and say "I am missing him so much today, I just want to see and hold him again" and then i fall sobbing into Diane's arms. We stand there with the wind blowing around us not saying a word. No words are needed. I finally get myself under control enough to stand on my own two feet. We all just stand there in complete silence---there were no words to say, just their presence was a comfort. Finally, April said it all. She said there is nothing to say, this is just all so terrible. I said, "as terrible as this all is, I know this is suppose to be." I just knew in my heart that God's plan is always perfect. As we were getting back into our cars to leave, I realized I just had a major meltdown and I did not even feel it coming, well not to that extent. I was having a fairly good day, well at least it was a decent day. I went to back to thinking how grief is so much like a wave on the ocean. I had to think, today not only did I get flattened, I almost drowned out there in the sea of grief. But God will not let me drown, He will always grab me and help me back to shore, today it was with Diane and April coming out. I drive home very slowly because I am sure I look like I just got ran over by a truck and i also knew they would probably be home from school and work. No need to work, they were busy with their own stuff and barely notice me---for that I am rather thankful, because I was still trying to recover. I go down and check my e-mail---and there is God once again. I end up crying a little more, but not this time because of loneliness but because God is right there holding me up through encouraging people who send me comments or e-mails that touch my heart. I pull myself together because we have a night out planned to celebrate Gale's birthday. We get ready and meet Max's, Larry's and Craig's for dinner and have a very nice time. So, yes, I cry some each and every day---my heart aches for Tay all the time, but I do have moments of joy also. Then when we get home, I check my e-mail one last time-----(yes, I like e-mails so i check it often or maybe i like to see what God may have for me in the way of encouragement)---anyway God touches my heart one more time in this day. Thanks-Gwen---that song fits me perfectly. I hope and pray that whoever reads this will see God's Faithfulness, His Mercies. His Amazing Grace and hopefully His healing Hand in my heart, well perhaps you didn't see much of that today, but some day. I also see God's power through your comments and e-mails----they come at exactly the most perfect time----That is our Amazing God.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Saying Good Bye For Now!
we went to our grieve sharing class last night. I think it is helping us at least to some degree. Next week it is going to be on losing a child. There is so much pain in that room, at times it is almost breath taking. God does seem to be a part of most of their lives, which is what is getting us from one step to the next.
This is going to be another one that is hard to write, but hopefully it will also be a little bit of healing in the process. I got up on that Thursday morning---the day of my son's funeral---I can hardly even say it let alone live it. I look in the mirror and say how can I really be living this nightmare--my 20 year old son is going to be buried today---but then God will whisper in my ear, yes, I know you are mourning, but remember he is with Me. That does help, but my heart is breaking into so many piece one can't begin to count them. I realize I am losing weight rather rapidly and am getting weak. Everybody is telling me you have to eat, but tell me how do you eat when you feel like anything you try to swallow will only end up on your shoes couple of seconds later. We some how all manage to get dressed and get in the car to leave for the church. When we get there, Gillman has us pull our car right up behind his-----there are times you just don't want to be first in line and this is definitely one of those times. We get out and walk very slowly into the church. Once again, I just wish with all my heart this funeral would not have had to be in Smithville church---it all just leaves such terrible memories, I hate to say it, but I can not stand to walk into that church. All I can see is Taylor's casket against that window and the top of his head. I just want to take to crying every time I walk into that church. It all comes back like it was all just happening again. Anyway back to that day---we open the doors to go in, and yes, the first thing I see is his casket and the top of his head. We get to a few people, but mostly just go up to the casket before the people start to come, because we know we have very little time left to see him my ourselves. Brooke and I walk up to talk to Taylor. She is talking to him---a little story between those two. Brooke would always buy sour patch kids candy. Taylor also loved them, but never bought any, just ate Brooke's when she was not home. He loved the lemon ones. Just a couple of weeks before, she must have caught him "stealing" her candy--which was up in her room. She told him, just ask, and I will give you some, don't go into my room and just take them. Of course, Taylor had that little smirk on his face and said OK, but we all knew---it was going in one ear and going out the other---he just thought that was not important and Brooke should not get that uptight about her little candies. So, now Brooke and I are up by his casket and she is talking to him, touching his face, hair, and his arms. She is talking about that candy episode and pretty soon, she brings out a little lemon sour patch kid candy and puts it into his hands and says, it is ok Taylor, I am sorry for yelling at you, you can have this candy. I love you. Well, that is too much for me, and I take to sobbing even before any people start through the line for the last time. There are already a bunch of kids sitting in the church, they come out and start to go through the line. My heart is breaking for them as well as for myself. Those kids had tears running down their cheeks. I hear the songs starting to be sung, so I knew our time was growing short before that dreaded moment of closing the casket. I had told the kids and Jeff at home do not look when they are closing the casket---that will be too much to watch and a memory that will be forever in graved in your mind. Brooke is constantly looking at the clock and realizing she had little time left. Now, my family is starting to go through. I remember Ron coming through. When he got to me, we just sobbed in each others arms and he told me later that I said to him- use this tragedy to reach the friends (I do not even remember saying this. At this point I could not have made a coherent sentence if I tried---it had to be the Holy Spirit speaking), but he said as soon as I said that- it was like the Holy Spirit said I will help you, and it will be powerful, then a great peace came over Ron. Now, it was time for our family to go up for the last time. You can't even imagine the horror of that moment, all i can say is God was carrying every one of us, even though Brooke did almost end up on the floor. We go up to the casket, we all talk to him, and was saying our final good bye. I kiss him on the cheek and am sobbing so hard I am just leaning over the casket, but do find the strength to stand up to fall into Diane's arms who is standing right behind me. We just stand there holding each other up, while Brooke, Spencer and Jeff are giving the final kiss good bye. I do finally get a little bit under control. I start to walk over to get to my dad, who is in a wheelchair. When he sees me coming, he takes to sobbing real loud and saying OH DEBBIE, which is where I lose it again and just hang onto him. While this is going on Brooke gets her turn with Taylor, she is again talking to him and sees that the candy has slipped from his hand and so she fixes it and then takes to sobbing so hard, she has her head on his chest. She thought she would take one last whiff of his Cologne that was on his shirt, but instead she got a whiff of death. She stood up and turns around, but that is just too much for her when she realizes they are closing the lid, she takes to wailing and she starts to go down. Max grabs her and Diane goes to help him hold her up. Gillman gives Jeff some smelling salt and Jeff puts it under her nose, by this time they have her laying on a bench. The smelling salt brings her right back, in fact , she says in a rather loud voice, Just what was that. Spencer by this time is over by me, He told me later he almost went down too, but quickly got over by a bench. Jeff is so busy helping all the kids, that they are cranking Taylor's head down, when Jeff said Hey, I have not said my good bye yet. So, they cranked Taylor back up. I knew now was the time to look anywhere but at Taylor, cause I could not bare to see that lid close down on my son. I grabbed Spencer and hung onto him and said don't look. As I was looking anywhere but at Taylor, I thought why are there so many people standing around. There were people every where. I guess the church must have been full. Now, the ministers were ready to go in. Ron had just seen all this emotion, as I am sure it would had been hard to watch even if you did not know the people, but we were his family, so it was very emotional for him. He told Andy just as they were ready to walk in I think I might be in over my head. He said as he was walking in, he had a whole pocket of tissue and a hanky and didn't know if he would be able to say a word, but he said as soon as he stood up a real peace of God went around him and he knew he was going to fine. Oh, in the mist of all this emotion, Brooke found Randy and gave him the tribute she wrote for Taylor. Randy had already said he would do it, but just needed a nice printed out copy. Andy had an idea we were going to do it, but not for sure---so Ron thought better make sure Andy knows before they walk in, so he tells Andy. Andy said I don't think we should do that---Randy said, I feel we should and they look at Ron and Ron said-- what God gave him to say----with God's Grace we should read it. I truly believe that was what God wanted done, because Brooke would have been devastated if it was not read---it was some sort of closure for her and the rest of us. We hear the song Precious Memories and knew that was the song we were to walk in on---Brooke got up off the bench, we started to line up. i did not know if I was strong enough to even walk up the aisle, my knees felt pretty weak, in fact I just felt weak all over,so I got in the middle of Spencer and Jeff and put my arms around each of the, and them me. We hung on to each other tightly. We are right behind the casket. I think I can not stand this, i don't think I am going to make it----God once again is going to have to carry me. I just closed my eyes and walked all the way up there with my eyes closed. I didn't want that memory burnt into my mind. Behind us Max and Diane got a good hold of Brooke so she would not collapsed to the floor. All the way up the aisle she just kept saying over and over it is just a shell, Taylor is not there anymore. It was getting louder and louder the farther up the aisle we got. I was hoping the song did not stop until get got seated. We knew what ever songs they sung, no matter how pretty they might be, we will never be able to listen to those again, but God took care of that. i can't remember hearing one song and Diane said when she walked in she was trying to listen to see what they were singing and God put it in another language to her ears, she said I could not understand one word----one never knows how God is going to work. Anyway we finally get up to the front. We are sitting very close together and hanging on to each other. We are mostly under control now, maybe just softly sobbing at times. Andy gets up to read the obituary, then Ron stood up and his voice cracked once, but God gave him the words to say and a real peace in his heart and a peace around him. The church was packed and lot of them kids, I pray that every soul that does not have Jesus, will never forget this service and God will convict them night and day. Ron does bring out in his service something I forgot to say earlier, Jeff wanted to put Taylor's bible in his casket with him, but before he took it to Gillman's, Jeff opened Taylor's bible and the string was on 2 Tim Chapter 1 whether Taylor had it there or God put it there we will never know, but Jeff's eyes fell on verse 4 which says-- Greatly desiring to see Thee, being mindful of thy tears, that I may be filled with joy. It was like Taylor was saying--He had a great desire to see Jesus, but knew it was going to break our hearts, but he was filled with great joy in going home---maybe it was God telling us this--which ever way it was, it turned into a great comfort for us. I believe God was very much present in that service and comforting us, but also convicting souls not yet ready to be where Taylor was---eternity. Randy got up and finished up with more encouraging words then he read Brooke's tribute. Randy did a wonderful job, even though he did not really know Taylor. He read it just like Taylor would have played it out. Now it is time to walk out. The service went over 15 minutes, but I did not even notice, somebody else told me that. Anyway, when the ministers were walking off the pulpit, Randy tells the choir to sing Amazing Grace--this is not the song we were suppose to walk out on, but once again, God changed our plans for His purpose. What better song for us to walk out on that Amazing Grace, that was exactly how Taylor was saved---Jesus shed Blood and His Amazing Grace, It was like God was saying I love Taylor and I saved him by my Grace and every one of you can have this-God picked the song for Taylor to be wheeled out on, not any of us---No Taylor was not the Christian I would have liked for him to have been--I would have liked to have seen him on fire for Jesus , but he had a child like faith and God showed us very clearly that was enough for Taylor to be saved and spend eternity with Jesus----Praise His High and Holy Name!! We walk out slowly to the car and am amazed how many people are there. We are sitting right behind Gillman's and watched all the people coming out----it was a testimony of how many people's lives Taylor did touch. Oh, Taylor we loved you with all our hearts and will miss you terribly every single day, but it looks like your friends loved you and will miss you too. When we left the church for the cemetery, I could not believe all the cars, there were cars in the front yard of the church, I have never seen that before----I certainly hope that the hearts that Taylor did touch, will never forget him and one day we can all be reunited in Heaven. I will finish the rest of this funeral day next time. I do know that the day we buried Taylor, they buried a part of my heart with him. No, our lives will never be the same again, but hopefully with God's Grace we can glorify His name in this terrible tragedy and grow closer to the One that does hold the very breath of our lives in His hand.
This is going to be another one that is hard to write, but hopefully it will also be a little bit of healing in the process. I got up on that Thursday morning---the day of my son's funeral---I can hardly even say it let alone live it. I look in the mirror and say how can I really be living this nightmare--my 20 year old son is going to be buried today---but then God will whisper in my ear, yes, I know you are mourning, but remember he is with Me. That does help, but my heart is breaking into so many piece one can't begin to count them. I realize I am losing weight rather rapidly and am getting weak. Everybody is telling me you have to eat, but tell me how do you eat when you feel like anything you try to swallow will only end up on your shoes couple of seconds later. We some how all manage to get dressed and get in the car to leave for the church. When we get there, Gillman has us pull our car right up behind his-----there are times you just don't want to be first in line and this is definitely one of those times. We get out and walk very slowly into the church. Once again, I just wish with all my heart this funeral would not have had to be in Smithville church---it all just leaves such terrible memories, I hate to say it, but I can not stand to walk into that church. All I can see is Taylor's casket against that window and the top of his head. I just want to take to crying every time I walk into that church. It all comes back like it was all just happening again. Anyway back to that day---we open the doors to go in, and yes, the first thing I see is his casket and the top of his head. We get to a few people, but mostly just go up to the casket before the people start to come, because we know we have very little time left to see him my ourselves. Brooke and I walk up to talk to Taylor. She is talking to him---a little story between those two. Brooke would always buy sour patch kids candy. Taylor also loved them, but never bought any, just ate Brooke's when she was not home. He loved the lemon ones. Just a couple of weeks before, she must have caught him "stealing" her candy--which was up in her room. She told him, just ask, and I will give you some, don't go into my room and just take them. Of course, Taylor had that little smirk on his face and said OK, but we all knew---it was going in one ear and going out the other---he just thought that was not important and Brooke should not get that uptight about her little candies. So, now Brooke and I are up by his casket and she is talking to him, touching his face, hair, and his arms. She is talking about that candy episode and pretty soon, she brings out a little lemon sour patch kid candy and puts it into his hands and says, it is ok Taylor, I am sorry for yelling at you, you can have this candy. I love you. Well, that is too much for me, and I take to sobbing even before any people start through the line for the last time. There are already a bunch of kids sitting in the church, they come out and start to go through the line. My heart is breaking for them as well as for myself. Those kids had tears running down their cheeks. I hear the songs starting to be sung, so I knew our time was growing short before that dreaded moment of closing the casket. I had told the kids and Jeff at home do not look when they are closing the casket---that will be too much to watch and a memory that will be forever in graved in your mind. Brooke is constantly looking at the clock and realizing she had little time left. Now, my family is starting to go through. I remember Ron coming through. When he got to me, we just sobbed in each others arms and he told me later that I said to him- use this tragedy to reach the friends (I do not even remember saying this. At this point I could not have made a coherent sentence if I tried---it had to be the Holy Spirit speaking), but he said as soon as I said that- it was like the Holy Spirit said I will help you, and it will be powerful, then a great peace came over Ron. Now, it was time for our family to go up for the last time. You can't even imagine the horror of that moment, all i can say is God was carrying every one of us, even though Brooke did almost end up on the floor. We go up to the casket, we all talk to him, and was saying our final good bye. I kiss him on the cheek and am sobbing so hard I am just leaning over the casket, but do find the strength to stand up to fall into Diane's arms who is standing right behind me. We just stand there holding each other up, while Brooke, Spencer and Jeff are giving the final kiss good bye. I do finally get a little bit under control. I start to walk over to get to my dad, who is in a wheelchair. When he sees me coming, he takes to sobbing real loud and saying OH DEBBIE, which is where I lose it again and just hang onto him. While this is going on Brooke gets her turn with Taylor, she is again talking to him and sees that the candy has slipped from his hand and so she fixes it and then takes to sobbing so hard, she has her head on his chest. She thought she would take one last whiff of his Cologne that was on his shirt, but instead she got a whiff of death. She stood up and turns around, but that is just too much for her when she realizes they are closing the lid, she takes to wailing and she starts to go down. Max grabs her and Diane goes to help him hold her up. Gillman gives Jeff some smelling salt and Jeff puts it under her nose, by this time they have her laying on a bench. The smelling salt brings her right back, in fact , she says in a rather loud voice, Just what was that. Spencer by this time is over by me, He told me later he almost went down too, but quickly got over by a bench. Jeff is so busy helping all the kids, that they are cranking Taylor's head down, when Jeff said Hey, I have not said my good bye yet. So, they cranked Taylor back up. I knew now was the time to look anywhere but at Taylor, cause I could not bare to see that lid close down on my son. I grabbed Spencer and hung onto him and said don't look. As I was looking anywhere but at Taylor, I thought why are there so many people standing around. There were people every where. I guess the church must have been full. Now, the ministers were ready to go in. Ron had just seen all this emotion, as I am sure it would had been hard to watch even if you did not know the people, but we were his family, so it was very emotional for him. He told Andy just as they were ready to walk in I think I might be in over my head. He said as he was walking in, he had a whole pocket of tissue and a hanky and didn't know if he would be able to say a word, but he said as soon as he stood up a real peace of God went around him and he knew he was going to fine. Oh, in the mist of all this emotion, Brooke found Randy and gave him the tribute she wrote for Taylor. Randy had already said he would do it, but just needed a nice printed out copy. Andy had an idea we were going to do it, but not for sure---so Ron thought better make sure Andy knows before they walk in, so he tells Andy. Andy said I don't think we should do that---Randy said, I feel we should and they look at Ron and Ron said-- what God gave him to say----with God's Grace we should read it. I truly believe that was what God wanted done, because Brooke would have been devastated if it was not read---it was some sort of closure for her and the rest of us. We hear the song Precious Memories and knew that was the song we were to walk in on---Brooke got up off the bench, we started to line up. i did not know if I was strong enough to even walk up the aisle, my knees felt pretty weak, in fact I just felt weak all over,so I got in the middle of Spencer and Jeff and put my arms around each of the, and them me. We hung on to each other tightly. We are right behind the casket. I think I can not stand this, i don't think I am going to make it----God once again is going to have to carry me. I just closed my eyes and walked all the way up there with my eyes closed. I didn't want that memory burnt into my mind. Behind us Max and Diane got a good hold of Brooke so she would not collapsed to the floor. All the way up the aisle she just kept saying over and over it is just a shell, Taylor is not there anymore. It was getting louder and louder the farther up the aisle we got. I was hoping the song did not stop until get got seated. We knew what ever songs they sung, no matter how pretty they might be, we will never be able to listen to those again, but God took care of that. i can't remember hearing one song and Diane said when she walked in she was trying to listen to see what they were singing and God put it in another language to her ears, she said I could not understand one word----one never knows how God is going to work. Anyway we finally get up to the front. We are sitting very close together and hanging on to each other. We are mostly under control now, maybe just softly sobbing at times. Andy gets up to read the obituary, then Ron stood up and his voice cracked once, but God gave him the words to say and a real peace in his heart and a peace around him. The church was packed and lot of them kids, I pray that every soul that does not have Jesus, will never forget this service and God will convict them night and day. Ron does bring out in his service something I forgot to say earlier, Jeff wanted to put Taylor's bible in his casket with him, but before he took it to Gillman's, Jeff opened Taylor's bible and the string was on 2 Tim Chapter 1 whether Taylor had it there or God put it there we will never know, but Jeff's eyes fell on verse 4 which says-- Greatly desiring to see Thee, being mindful of thy tears, that I may be filled with joy. It was like Taylor was saying--He had a great desire to see Jesus, but knew it was going to break our hearts, but he was filled with great joy in going home---maybe it was God telling us this--which ever way it was, it turned into a great comfort for us. I believe God was very much present in that service and comforting us, but also convicting souls not yet ready to be where Taylor was---eternity. Randy got up and finished up with more encouraging words then he read Brooke's tribute. Randy did a wonderful job, even though he did not really know Taylor. He read it just like Taylor would have played it out. Now it is time to walk out. The service went over 15 minutes, but I did not even notice, somebody else told me that. Anyway, when the ministers were walking off the pulpit, Randy tells the choir to sing Amazing Grace--this is not the song we were suppose to walk out on, but once again, God changed our plans for His purpose. What better song for us to walk out on that Amazing Grace, that was exactly how Taylor was saved---Jesus shed Blood and His Amazing Grace, It was like God was saying I love Taylor and I saved him by my Grace and every one of you can have this-God picked the song for Taylor to be wheeled out on, not any of us---No Taylor was not the Christian I would have liked for him to have been--I would have liked to have seen him on fire for Jesus , but he had a child like faith and God showed us very clearly that was enough for Taylor to be saved and spend eternity with Jesus----Praise His High and Holy Name!! We walk out slowly to the car and am amazed how many people are there. We are sitting right behind Gillman's and watched all the people coming out----it was a testimony of how many people's lives Taylor did touch. Oh, Taylor we loved you with all our hearts and will miss you terribly every single day, but it looks like your friends loved you and will miss you too. When we left the church for the cemetery, I could not believe all the cars, there were cars in the front yard of the church, I have never seen that before----I certainly hope that the hearts that Taylor did touch, will never forget him and one day we can all be reunited in Heaven. I will finish the rest of this funeral day next time. I do know that the day we buried Taylor, they buried a part of my heart with him. No, our lives will never be the same again, but hopefully with God's Grace we can glorify His name in this terrible tragedy and grow closer to the One that does hold the very breath of our lives in His hand.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Sunday
Today was a beautiful fall day. We went to Rittman to church to help April give lunch---can you imagine telling people you made lunch for six hundred people---impressive. For me, going to Rittman is easier than going to Smithville----Smithville has terrible memories for me---hopefully they will fade in time. Going to Rittman is very hard for Jeff. Taylor usually went to Rittman to be with his friends, so Jeff sees all these kids and Taylor is not there, so it makes it very hard for him. So, just where do we go???
I thought this was sort of interesting. One of my favorite verses that I have memorized is Isa. 40:31 and it says. Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not get weary. They will walk and not be faint. I always sorta wondered what did it mean to soar on wings like eagles---I thought it sounded rather freeing---the wind blowing in my hair, flying high in the sky. The other night I was reading something about eagles and it gave this verse an interesting meaning. They said eagles can sense a storm before it arrives, so they fly to a high spot and wait for the inevitable winds to hit. When the winds come, the eagle will set its wings so that the wind will pick them up and lift them above the storm. Then while the storm is raging below, the eagle is soaring about it. The eagle does not escape the storm but simply rises on the winds to be lifted higher. So, God does allow storms, and this time it was a hurricane---But with His Grace I can soar on wings like eagles---I will not escape the pain, the loss, the grieving, but He will give me the strength each and every day to rise above the depths of depression, anger, and the terrible loneliness, but I need to hang onto those wings.
It really touched my heart that a couple of Taylor's really good friends went out to the cemetery on this very beautiful afternoon to visit with him. No, Taylor could not say a word, but they wanted to be close to him and talk about some of those great memories that nobody can take away from them. They are grieving just like we are. They miss that kid probably almost as much as we do. They probably seen more of him than we did in the last year or so. Yes, it is a different kind of loss---they lost a best friend, we lost a son, but a loss is a loss and we are all in pain and grieving. I know many people are still praying for us, and I am very thankful for that, but could you please say a little prayer for his close friends too---Thanks.
I thought this was sort of interesting. One of my favorite verses that I have memorized is Isa. 40:31 and it says. Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not get weary. They will walk and not be faint. I always sorta wondered what did it mean to soar on wings like eagles---I thought it sounded rather freeing---the wind blowing in my hair, flying high in the sky. The other night I was reading something about eagles and it gave this verse an interesting meaning. They said eagles can sense a storm before it arrives, so they fly to a high spot and wait for the inevitable winds to hit. When the winds come, the eagle will set its wings so that the wind will pick them up and lift them above the storm. Then while the storm is raging below, the eagle is soaring about it. The eagle does not escape the storm but simply rises on the winds to be lifted higher. So, God does allow storms, and this time it was a hurricane---But with His Grace I can soar on wings like eagles---I will not escape the pain, the loss, the grieving, but He will give me the strength each and every day to rise above the depths of depression, anger, and the terrible loneliness, but I need to hang onto those wings.
It really touched my heart that a couple of Taylor's really good friends went out to the cemetery on this very beautiful afternoon to visit with him. No, Taylor could not say a word, but they wanted to be close to him and talk about some of those great memories that nobody can take away from them. They are grieving just like we are. They miss that kid probably almost as much as we do. They probably seen more of him than we did in the last year or so. Yes, it is a different kind of loss---they lost a best friend, we lost a son, but a loss is a loss and we are all in pain and grieving. I know many people are still praying for us, and I am very thankful for that, but could you please say a little prayer for his close friends too---Thanks.
Friday, October 23, 2009
comments
Some have told me they have tried to make comments, but they can't get it to post. I know it is alittle tricky. One would think all you needed to do was hit the post. Brooke showed me what you need to do, if you want to comment. You go to google, then go to the right side and create an account---just use your e-mail address if you want, then go to the blog and go to the upper right hand corner and sign in. Then write your comment and hit the drop down arrow and hit google and it should send.
Comments are good----they are encouragements to me----even to say, you are still praying for us---in fact that is the very best thing you can do for us----Thank you for praying!!
Comments are good----they are encouragements to me----even to say, you are still praying for us---in fact that is the very best thing you can do for us----Thank you for praying!!
Viewing Day (part 2)
Today is Friday and usually Friday's are bad days, and especially when it is raining--but today God brought a little sun shine into my life. Gloria called and wanted to know if I wanted to come over for tea with her and Stan. It did not take me long to say yes. I enjoyed it so much, I almost stayed until dinner, in fact Gloria sent dinner home with me----now how great is that. It is so great how God will provide encouragement just when He knows I need it----He does not always wait until I am hanging on by a thread, but sometimes He just gives me a gift of encouragement because He is God and God is love. Thanks Gloria, dinner was a hit.
Back to the viewing day. We got back to the fellowship hall about 5:45 and there was already a long line. Gillman rushes us into the back door and tells us we better start seeing people right away. As we were walking back up to our stools, I see Ron and Carol. I was so happy to see them, I run over and give them a big hug. We go back up to our spots and people start through again. Again, I can't remember much, it all sorta became a blur except I do remember some moments. I remember when Taylor's friends came through. It tore at my heart to see these big guys with tears running down their cheeks. They never said much to me, just hugged me and cried. I remembered the kid that Taylor had the accident with, he said he was so sorry, and he looked so sad, with tears running down his cheeks. We kept trying to tell him, it is not your fault, it was an accident. This boy had called the house the day before and asked if it would be ok, if he came to Taylor's viewing. We told him, we did not blame him at all and it would be fine. A few days later, later we get a note from this boy's mom thanking us for being so nice to her son and she said, he turned 21 on the day of Taylor's funeral. She said he became a man real quick. I remember looking out the window and seeing the line clear down to the field. Someone that went through the line said they waited between 2 1/2 and 3 hours. That was unbelievable---I don't think I waited that long in line for anything. That was very humbling, to think that people would wait that long to meet us. I guess when Gillman seen that long line he thought he was never going to get to bed that night---poor Diane, she is still on the end of the line, now Gillman is pointing at this watch again, but instead of saying the old people were not going to make it in the hot sun, he now is saying the people were getting eaten up by mosquitoes---so if Diane was not talking much and acting like she was in a hurry to move people a long, it was Gillman, not Diane. Mom must have thought I was looking rather haggard, and tired because she comes up behind me and says maybe you should sit down awhile. i have never hugged so many people in all my life and cried so many tears on people's shoulders. I am sure I left my mark on some of their shoulder's (tear stains). Gillman told us he thought between 1500 and 1600 people went through the line. I was totally shocked how many lives Taylor touched, I hope he left a mark in each of their hearts. I hope they seen God in his life. Something I will always remember is when Spencer's soccer team went through the line, it was very good for Spencer to see all his friends and to give them a hug---but what will always stick out in my mind is when they were all through the line, I turned around and they were sorta behind us and they were in a circle with the coach praying with all of them.Now that is what we need for our kids--coaches that care about their kids and praying with them. God had to be smiling down on that. Spencer went over and joined in with them. I seen Taylor's girlfriend, well they use to be a "couple", but the last several months they had decided to be just friends---well that was more her decision than Taylor's. Anyway, they still talked alot and always were texing each other and would be together in groups. She was coming through with her parents, which Taylor always told me that they(her parents) loved him as a son, but he sure wished "D" would love him too. I was watching them, when "D" got up to Taylor, she leaned over and kissed him between lots of tears. By the time her dad got to me, he was crying and he told me--Taylor was the son, I never had---I could not help but hug this strange man, I never seen before in my life, but my heart was breaking, but so was his---we were connected by this terrible tragedy. I think it was almost 11 until the last person went through the line---I was exhausted but didn't really want to leave, because I knew my time with Taylor was growing short, just one more day, or actually it was measured in hours now. Brooke's boyfriend's mom and her son came from Michigan and she did not get to the fellowshiphall until 11, but by this time, Gillman had enough of people and wanted to go home---he said, we need to go. I thought, we could have alittle time with Taylor, because the next day is our finale good-bye, but as we were getting ready to all go up to the casket---we were just looking at the flowers at first. When we turned around, Gillman was wheeling Taylor out the back door of the fellowship hall---so no closure that night, no time to say good-bye. I wanted to spend some time with Taylor, but didn't get the chance, so on the way home, I was aggravated with Gillman (probably the stress of the evening did not help), but I kept saying we will not take our business back to Gillman's. When we got home and walked into the house, Spencer said in a little quiet voice--I just hope that we don't have any business to give to Gillman anytime soon---we did all have to smile at that comment. Jeff got the mail in and we got probably another 50 cards. It was 11:20 by now, so Jeff did not look at the cards that night. I was so drained, I just hobbled up to bed and knelt beside my bed and thanked God once again for his Grace of getting me through a terrible terrible day and please Carry me through the next day. Ron, Carol and Mandy stayed at Diane's place. Diane gave Ron and Carol their bedroom. She was going to put a night light in the hall so if anyone had to get up during the night they could find the bathroom, but through all the stress and mourning she forgot to put the night light in. About 3:00a.m., Diane wakes up to a big thud and a scream from Carol. Diane knew instantly that Carol had fallen down the stairs. Diane's heart was pounding so hard and she told Max get up and see how Carol was, but it took Max too long, so Diane ran out into the hall way to look. She said she was scared to death that Carol had fallen all the way down the stairs and had broken her neck at the bottom. Yes, Carol fell head first all the way down Diane's stairs. What happened is Carol went to the bathroom, and was coming back to their bedroom in the dark. She thought the bedroom was the first opening, but it was the second and she stepped out into thin air and her face and hands hit the stairs. Mandy said she never came out of her room, until she heard her mom's voice and knew she was ok. Carol was hurt, but not terribly. She had rug burns all over her face and ended up having a hair line fracture in each wrist. She could not make the funeral the next day. When I was talking to Ron several weeks later, he said Carol was doing much better, but he did say that while he was up here in Ohio, one of the ministers in Florida was attending a funeral for a lady that did the exact same thing, except she broke her neck. There it is again, when God is calling you home, you are going to go---we can not add one day to our lives. Carol still has work to do here on Earth, so God protected her from serious injury, but Taylor's work was done. God has a plan for each of our lives, if only we could life as if each day could be our last----how different would I live that day----I try to send some time thinking on this---it sure changes my priorities.
Back to the viewing day. We got back to the fellowship hall about 5:45 and there was already a long line. Gillman rushes us into the back door and tells us we better start seeing people right away. As we were walking back up to our stools, I see Ron and Carol. I was so happy to see them, I run over and give them a big hug. We go back up to our spots and people start through again. Again, I can't remember much, it all sorta became a blur except I do remember some moments. I remember when Taylor's friends came through. It tore at my heart to see these big guys with tears running down their cheeks. They never said much to me, just hugged me and cried. I remembered the kid that Taylor had the accident with, he said he was so sorry, and he looked so sad, with tears running down his cheeks. We kept trying to tell him, it is not your fault, it was an accident. This boy had called the house the day before and asked if it would be ok, if he came to Taylor's viewing. We told him, we did not blame him at all and it would be fine. A few days later, later we get a note from this boy's mom thanking us for being so nice to her son and she said, he turned 21 on the day of Taylor's funeral. She said he became a man real quick. I remember looking out the window and seeing the line clear down to the field. Someone that went through the line said they waited between 2 1/2 and 3 hours. That was unbelievable---I don't think I waited that long in line for anything. That was very humbling, to think that people would wait that long to meet us. I guess when Gillman seen that long line he thought he was never going to get to bed that night---poor Diane, she is still on the end of the line, now Gillman is pointing at this watch again, but instead of saying the old people were not going to make it in the hot sun, he now is saying the people were getting eaten up by mosquitoes---so if Diane was not talking much and acting like she was in a hurry to move people a long, it was Gillman, not Diane. Mom must have thought I was looking rather haggard, and tired because she comes up behind me and says maybe you should sit down awhile. i have never hugged so many people in all my life and cried so many tears on people's shoulders. I am sure I left my mark on some of their shoulder's (tear stains). Gillman told us he thought between 1500 and 1600 people went through the line. I was totally shocked how many lives Taylor touched, I hope he left a mark in each of their hearts. I hope they seen God in his life. Something I will always remember is when Spencer's soccer team went through the line, it was very good for Spencer to see all his friends and to give them a hug---but what will always stick out in my mind is when they were all through the line, I turned around and they were sorta behind us and they were in a circle with the coach praying with all of them.Now that is what we need for our kids--coaches that care about their kids and praying with them. God had to be smiling down on that. Spencer went over and joined in with them. I seen Taylor's girlfriend, well they use to be a "couple", but the last several months they had decided to be just friends---well that was more her decision than Taylor's. Anyway, they still talked alot and always were texing each other and would be together in groups. She was coming through with her parents, which Taylor always told me that they(her parents) loved him as a son, but he sure wished "D" would love him too. I was watching them, when "D" got up to Taylor, she leaned over and kissed him between lots of tears. By the time her dad got to me, he was crying and he told me--Taylor was the son, I never had---I could not help but hug this strange man, I never seen before in my life, but my heart was breaking, but so was his---we were connected by this terrible tragedy. I think it was almost 11 until the last person went through the line---I was exhausted but didn't really want to leave, because I knew my time with Taylor was growing short, just one more day, or actually it was measured in hours now. Brooke's boyfriend's mom and her son came from Michigan and she did not get to the fellowshiphall until 11, but by this time, Gillman had enough of people and wanted to go home---he said, we need to go. I thought, we could have alittle time with Taylor, because the next day is our finale good-bye, but as we were getting ready to all go up to the casket---we were just looking at the flowers at first. When we turned around, Gillman was wheeling Taylor out the back door of the fellowship hall---so no closure that night, no time to say good-bye. I wanted to spend some time with Taylor, but didn't get the chance, so on the way home, I was aggravated with Gillman (probably the stress of the evening did not help), but I kept saying we will not take our business back to Gillman's. When we got home and walked into the house, Spencer said in a little quiet voice--I just hope that we don't have any business to give to Gillman anytime soon---we did all have to smile at that comment. Jeff got the mail in and we got probably another 50 cards. It was 11:20 by now, so Jeff did not look at the cards that night. I was so drained, I just hobbled up to bed and knelt beside my bed and thanked God once again for his Grace of getting me through a terrible terrible day and please Carry me through the next day. Ron, Carol and Mandy stayed at Diane's place. Diane gave Ron and Carol their bedroom. She was going to put a night light in the hall so if anyone had to get up during the night they could find the bathroom, but through all the stress and mourning she forgot to put the night light in. About 3:00a.m., Diane wakes up to a big thud and a scream from Carol. Diane knew instantly that Carol had fallen down the stairs. Diane's heart was pounding so hard and she told Max get up and see how Carol was, but it took Max too long, so Diane ran out into the hall way to look. She said she was scared to death that Carol had fallen all the way down the stairs and had broken her neck at the bottom. Yes, Carol fell head first all the way down Diane's stairs. What happened is Carol went to the bathroom, and was coming back to their bedroom in the dark. She thought the bedroom was the first opening, but it was the second and she stepped out into thin air and her face and hands hit the stairs. Mandy said she never came out of her room, until she heard her mom's voice and knew she was ok. Carol was hurt, but not terribly. She had rug burns all over her face and ended up having a hair line fracture in each wrist. She could not make the funeral the next day. When I was talking to Ron several weeks later, he said Carol was doing much better, but he did say that while he was up here in Ohio, one of the ministers in Florida was attending a funeral for a lady that did the exact same thing, except she broke her neck. There it is again, when God is calling you home, you are going to go---we can not add one day to our lives. Carol still has work to do here on Earth, so God protected her from serious injury, but Taylor's work was done. God has a plan for each of our lives, if only we could life as if each day could be our last----how different would I live that day----I try to send some time thinking on this---it sure changes my priorities.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
A Calmer Day
I will finish part two of viewing day tomorrow morning when I am here by myself, so if I cry nobody will be here. Today was a calmer day--the waves were not as big and with God's help I didn't get knocked over. Yes, i cry some everyday, but what is bad is when I get up and have this terrible sadness in my heart that is so deep I can barely breath. I don't have this every day and for that I am thankful. God probably knows a person could not survive day after day in that kind of pain. An emotional pain ---Heart pain is so different from a physical pain. I know I can't say this for all physical pain, because I have never been in intense physical pain for a long period of time and I pray I never am, but usually there is some kind of pain killers a person can take that can help to some degree. With an emotional pain, there is really no medication to take, well I guess you could get on drugs or alcohol, but that will only make it worse in the long run. I have found there is only one kind of medication that helps and that is crying out to God for His help. Just like today, I knew if I had too many days in a row like yesterday, I was going to be on a slippery slope to depression--another favorite tool of satan's. When I got up today, I decided to look up some of the verses that was in Taylor's funeral. Yes, I have listen to it again. It was very sad in some parts, but also very encouraging in other parts. I was taking some of the verses in the encouraging parts and was going to read and think on them. Psalms 46 was one of them, so thought I would study that one. While I thought I was in the Psalms's, God must have thought that I needed something else because He took me to Isaiah 46. I started reading it and when I got to verse 4, it was like God was saying "This is What I Am doing for you, you just got side tracked yesterday and didn't feel it". Here is what the verse said I have made you (this is very true) and I will carry you (He has done this often in the last weeks); I will sustain you (He has upheld me many times), and I will rescue you (He has pulled me more than once from satan's grips of discouragement, fear, loneliness and He will rescue me from grief one day). Another verse to put into my memory. I have a little plaque that Amber, April, and Autumn gave me that says "God will always keep His promises" I am hanging on to each and every one of them. I heard something today that I thought was rather interesting. They said God has a plan---the plan of Salvation, a plan for each of our lives and satan has an agenda---his agenda is to destroy every plan God has for us---he is trying to take every blessing that God had planned for us to have. I know satan gets his agenda plenty of times with me, but maybe I can be just alittle bit more aware of his agenda--trying to destroy God's plan for me. Thank you all who perhaps prayed extra hard for me yesterday or even today---it was a better day--God carried me through another day. Thank you Jesus---I give Praise to your Name!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)