Thursday, October 29, 2009
Seeing God in the mist of extreme sadness and loneliness. On Tuesday afternoon, Jeff came home and said through tears that somebody was out visiting Taylor and left 12 white roses. Not just one, but 12 beautiful white roses. Jeff and i decided to go out there and put them in a vase. They were just laying there by the mums. We opened up what they were wrapped in and put them in a vase. By this time it was evening and getting dark, but they were so pretty that I took some pictures of them. I had to think, his friends are hurting and missing Taylor in a terrible too. Most of them have not experienced death at all, most still have their grandparents--- please pray for them. Later than night, when I woke up and heard all the raining, I thought all those pretty rose petals will be knocked off and the vase will probably be knocked over too. i just prayed, God please protect those flowers. I know I have so many other thinks to be praying for, just why would i be praying for those flowers---I don't know,--maybe I just wanted them to be beautiful for a little bit longer. The next day was Wednesday and it was once again time for Diane and I to go clean the dentist office. We do take alot of breaks while cleaning, but today Luann decided to stop by and we probably did more visiting than cleaning----Oh well, we did get it done, just took longer. When we were done, i took Diane home and decided I would go check up on the flowers. I was once again listening to the song "Far Side Banks of Jordon". I know this is my song for when I meet Taylor on the shores of Heaven. If you have not listened to it---it is a song with a powerful message. As I was driving up that long lane to the cemetery, all that kept running through my mind was "this is not right, it is just not right---he should not be back here---he is the only 20 year old boy in this whole place." As I get to the opening, I just say a little "arrow prayer, please let those flowers be fine, and Lord just please let the sun shine even alittle bit. It had been cloudy ever since I left and now it looked like it could start to rain any minute. As I turn the corner to go up to Taylor, I see the beautiful white rose still standing perfectly and blowing in the wind. I get out of the car and walk over to Tay and just stand there looking at those roses, when I realize they have all opened up and they were what God created them to be --gorgeous----one would never have imagined they spent a night out in the rain. God protected them---as little as it may seem, God answered that prayer. As I am standing there, I can feel this overwhelming sense of sadness and loneliness welling up inside of my heart. It is almost what one could call unbearable. As i stand there looking at his picture (Amber put up a cross with some flowers and a picture of Taylor at the beach holding little Max)I feel my heart starting to break into a million pieces again. At this point, I realize that the sun has come out and is shining right on Taylor's face in that picture---yes, it is also shining on the flowers, but I don't even notice that because my focus is on Tay's face . I take to sobbing so hard that I can hardly stand up. I know God is right there with me, He showed me with the the beauty of the flowers and His presence with the sun shining. It was like God was saying, I love you, and yes I know this is terrible, but I will help you through this, just hang on. I felt all this, but I just keep thinking, or at this point I think I am saying it out loud. I want you home, Tay, I want you at our dinner table with the rest of us, I want you in bed at night, I want you to be able to go on vacation with us again, I want to just hold you in my arms. By this time I am sobbing so hard, I can't even see his picture anymore. I realize that this is not helping me at all and I need to bring God into this conversation---so I just pray--"Please God, Please help me, Please just help me to understand this even just a little bit---Please help me through this terrible journey." I did not hear or see anyone coming up that long lane to the cemetery. i did not see them drive in, nor did I see anyone come around that curve over by Taylor. I just heard alittle beep and looked up to see April and Diane in the car. I thought God is so faithful---He brought help just when He knew I could take no more. They get out of the car and walk over to me and we just stand there in complete silence looking at Taylor's grave. When I can not take the terrible ache in my heart anymore, I start sobbing again and say "I am missing him so much today, I just want to see and hold him again" and then i fall sobbing into Diane's arms. We stand there with the wind blowing around us not saying a word. No words are needed. I finally get myself under control enough to stand on my own two feet. We all just stand there in complete silence---there were no words to say, just their presence was a comfort. Finally, April said it all. She said there is nothing to say, this is just all so terrible. I said, "as terrible as this all is, I know this is suppose to be." I just knew in my heart that God's plan is always perfect. As we were getting back into our cars to leave, I realized I just had a major meltdown and I did not even feel it coming, well not to that extent. I was having a fairly good day, well at least it was a decent day. I went to back to thinking how grief is so much like a wave on the ocean. I had to think, today not only did I get flattened, I almost drowned out there in the sea of grief. But God will not let me drown, He will always grab me and help me back to shore, today it was with Diane and April coming out. I drive home very slowly because I am sure I look like I just got ran over by a truck and i also knew they would probably be home from school and work. No need to work, they were busy with their own stuff and barely notice me---for that I am rather thankful, because I was still trying to recover. I go down and check my e-mail---and there is God once again. I end up crying a little more, but not this time because of loneliness but because God is right there holding me up through encouraging people who send me comments or e-mails that touch my heart. I pull myself together because we have a night out planned to celebrate Gale's birthday. We get ready and meet Max's, Larry's and Craig's for dinner and have a very nice time. So, yes, I cry some each and every day---my heart aches for Tay all the time, but I do have moments of joy also. Then when we get home, I check my e-mail one last time-----(yes, I like e-mails so i check it often or maybe i like to see what God may have for me in the way of encouragement)---anyway God touches my heart one more time in this day. Thanks-Gwen---that song fits me perfectly. I hope and pray that whoever reads this will see God's Faithfulness, His Mercies. His Amazing Grace and hopefully His healing Hand in my heart, well perhaps you didn't see much of that today, but some day. I also see God's power through your comments and e-mails----they come at exactly the most perfect time----That is our Amazing God.