Saturday, October 31, 2009

Different Feelings

Today started out gloomy and looking like rain (is that something new for Ohio :)). It was so windy that I decided to go back out to the cemetery to see how my beautiful white roses were doing----a lot more rain and wind has hit since I was there on Wednesday. But after my meltdown on Wednesday, I was not sure I was ready, or even wanted to go back so soon, but decided i needed to check those flowers. As I drove up that long drive, my thoughts took a different street. Instead of the street of loneliness and terrible sadness, they took the street straight to Jesus's heart for comfort. I seen the flowers were all knocked over and so was the vase, but the flowers still have been protected. They still looked really good--all opened up, but not wilted yet---not like they had weathered monsoon rains and lots of wind. I picked them up and put water back in the vase. (side note, I found out I was the third one out there today to set them back up-----Taylor, you are a loved boy by many---) As I sat in my car---too windy. There were alot of clouds in the sky, but the sun was shinning though---making a silver lining. As I sat there, I had to think, some day Jesus is going to come through those clouds with trumpets blowing and ten thousand angels singing -Wow! how great will that be!! and Taylor will be with him. Jesus told us the dead will rise first. Will I be looking for Taylor, probably not at first. My eyes, i am sure, will be fixed on Jesus's face, but soon after that I will be hugging Taylor----he will probably be saying "mom, not so tight, can't breathe". What a Day that Will Be.
Last night before i went to sleep, i was reading this book called "When God and Grief meet" In those pages I read, God gave me a verse in that book, to which I thought was very powerful, especially for me at this time in my journey. It is Deut. 31:81---.THE LORD HIMSELF GOES BEFORE ME & WILL BE WITH ME. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME. DO NO BE A AFRAID, DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED" God just knew I needed that verse after this week. When I got up this morning, I decided I was going to think on that verse and study it. I thought, that is a promise and Jesus never breaks promises, so it has to be true, today, tomorrow, and always----so i need to grab a hold with both hands and remember this one. I had to think Jesus is always with me, in fact He is already in my tomorrow's. He is always just a whisper away, and He is never going to leave---it is me that moves from Him and lets go of this promise---at least for a little while. I also thought, Jesus did not say, I will sent an angel instead of Myself , but He said He was going Himself---how comforting is that! Just why is it so easy to let go of a promise like that from Jesus and look at my circumstances and let satan pull me back into the streets of pain, loneliness and discouragement that comes with that. So, I am thinking out in the cemetery and looking up into the clouds---knowing Jesus is right there looking down saying those exact words to me in that verse. i had to think when my kids were little, like maybe kindergarten or even younger (not so much Taylor--he had much "tougher'" skin than Spencer---anyway he would every so often come home with tears running down his cheeks because some kid had hurt his feelings or took something he thought was his.(at first, i may not have reacted much like Jesus , instead I would have wanted to get a hold of that kid that hurt Spencer and get revenge)but most of the time, I would take Spencer and set him on my lap and hold him close to my heart and talk with him----that was always calming and he knew I was there for him---I was not leaving him, he knew I loved him, I could just see a calmness come over him, and he felt everything was going to be fine---he trusted me to make everything alright . But I thought, I will fail Spencer many many times in life, but Jesus will never break a promise to me, or fail me.
With this verse, I could visualize myself getting that close to Jesus, in his arms, with my head on his chest---I am so close I could hear his heart beating. Fear, discouragement, loneliness all leaves. Now the key is to stay there, but satan certainly does not want that----he would never win a single battle. It does help me to memorize these verses that are promises and say them over and over, but I must say some days, in fact, alot of days, I lose the battle and fall into 'self" mode and fall into a puddle of tears. So again,what makes it so easy to let go of these promises, and let satan take me down the street of despair, loneliness, discouragement so often. Why can't i just keep that thought--Jesus in already in my tomorrow, and He is never going to leave me.. He will never pull away from me, so it is always me that pulls away. I guess, it just shows how weak man is----that is why prayer from all of you is so important--In my weakness, sometimes I can't even pray, just moans and gr0ans.

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