Monday, November 9, 2009

First Days After Funeral

It was 12 weeks last Saturday since Taylor's accident. Sometimes it feels like we are stuck in time and other times I can not believe it has been 12 weeks. At first, we had all bad days with a few good moments mixed in, but after 12 weeks we still have alot of bad days, but more good moments are starting to mix in. I was out at the accident site on Saturday. It was a beautiful day. I just sat there by the little stream that goes through the rocks, the water was making a little bubbling sound, almost peaceful. Taylor's friends are still putting flowers out there, sometimes there are flowers on the rock where he hit his head. I just sat there and thought about all that had happened that night. I was thinking, I am sure Taylor that Saturday night was all happy, it was a warm summer evening the kids were having a bon fire. It must have been muddy from previous rains, because Sara was telling me how right before this happened, he was spinning his tires on his 4-wheeler in some mud and was spraying Sara with mud. When Sara said, look Taylor what you have done, he just gives that little smirky smile and says, Oh I am so sorry. He said it almost like he meant it :). They were always playing little jokes on each other. Then Sara jumps on another 4wheeler with another kid and speeds off, and Taylor left soon after wards--he never wanted anyone to be ahead of him, because he always thought he had the fastest 4wheeler----I will explain the accident later and how it happened.

When I get up on that Friday after the funeral, I felt like I was in the mist of a terrible illness. I was feeling extremely tired, weak and just wanted to stay in bed, but knew I couldn't do that. When I walked down stairs the first thing that I saw was all those flowers sitting in my livingroom. It just brought reality right back into focus, not that it really ever blurs out of focus. None of us has really went back into Taylor's room except for me to get out clothes for Spencer to wear. It is just too painful to see all his stuff, but then there are reminders everywhere. His book bag and laptop are sitting pretty much where he left them when he came home from school. I could not even touch it, i could barely look at it. We slowly got dressed and then went over to Max's. That was where mom, dad, Warren, Dawn and Bill and all her kids were. We were all exhausted and just sat around. It was a beautiful day, so we did go out for a walk. Warren, Jeff, Spencer, Bill and Brooke decided they wanted to go see where the accident happened. I said I am not ready to see that now. I knew that some day I will want to see it, but right now is not the time, in fact I still can not even believe it happened. Dad is still doing really well. We all knew it is only by the Grace of God that he is doing so well. We do have a nice time together, but all too soon the day is over and it is time for us to go home again and I know tomorrow is the day they are all leaving to go home. It is hard to sleep. If my mind is not on all the horror of the last week, it is on all the things I am going to miss with Taylor, or one memory after another is flooding my mind. I am just praying I do not have dreams about Taylor, that would be soooo hard. It would be like watching home videos----he would be so alive and happy. Please God not yet.
The next morning, I am to pick Dawn and Bill up at Luann's---that was where they stayed and take them into Wooster to the motel where mom, dad and Warren were staying. Getting up is a struggle on any given day, it just means another day to deal with reality, but today is even worse because they are all leaving. I pick up Dawn and Bill and we go to the motel. We visit a little bit then mom, dad, Dawn and Bill leave. As I am hugging them all good bye, I wonder when I will see them again. I know in my heart, dad will probably not be out again, and thinking about us going back to mom and dad, is almost more than I can stand---those memories were so terrible getting the phone call that night at their place. So, I am feeling really sad, knowing it will be a long time until I see them again. They leave telling me they will pray continuously for me, my heart is breaking---I am so tired of saying Good bye. After they leave, Warren and I go back into the motel to the pool area and just sit and talk about all that has happened. Many times, i just sit there and think I really can't believe my Taylor is gone, I will never touch him again, never talk with him---that thought is so overpowering, my body takes to shaking. Warren says, there will be many hard days----I am thinking these days are so hard now, just how many hard days will I be able to endure. I realize I will not be able to endure many if any more by myself, God is going to have to be my Strength. Warren says, I don't know what I would do if it was one of mine----it would be so hard. I thought it is hard, but I did not have a choice, God chose Taylor. I just knew I have to stay in God's hands, and He will carry me. After an hour or so, it was time to hug him good bye also. It was sad to see him drive away, because I knew it would be a long time until I seen him again , and also it is just comforting to have my family close by. I get into my car and drive home---I cry most of the way, knowing my life is forever changed and I feel lost in all the pain. I get home and it is two days before school starts. Brooke and I decided we can not sit around the house, to empty and lonely. Max's and all their kids and us have been together for a week straight almost every waking hour, now we are by ourselves--and don't like it much. Brooke and I go into Wooster again to get some of her school supplies, but when we get there we realize we are really just walking around in a daze, putting one foot in front of the other. I actually feel like my body is walking, but my mind and heart are completely somewhere else, just trying to hold on to sanity. I know God is suppose to be near the broken hearted, but I think by this time, i am mostly numb, even though, I don't feel God I know in my heart He is near. I know that the horror of the tragedy is over---the phone call, viewing, funeral, and now the reality is going to set in. I know, or at least I hope it comes in little steps because i know it is going to be overwhelming and very painful. As we are walking around Staples, Brooke gets a little tap on her shoulder and God must have thought you sad little people need some encouraging right now. It was the guy that made that phone about Taylor's salvation--Craig and his wife. We stood and talked to them for a least an hour and yes when we left we did feel alittle bit better. We came back home and pretty much did nothing. The next day is Sunday, do we go to church, stay home in bed. Can I really go back to church where just three days before was Taylor's funeral---I don't know---God, what should I do. The best part of the day then was going to bed. Even though I had trouble getting to sleep, once asleep, it was a break from my heart achy continually. I knew that people's prayers were carrying me, because I still could only pray, Thank you God for helping me through another day.
I know this road of grieving is going to be long and alot of the time very difficult, but God says in Jer. 31:13 He will turn my mourning into gladness; He will give me comfort and joy instead of sorrow. That is another promise, so I must believe that someday, we will see joy and gladness again.

1 comment:

  1. Hello Deb! Wow this is very touching to read. I just started a few days ago with reading the whole thing and it is like a book that just cannot be set down!! I am very encouraged and touched to read your blog! Thank you for being willing to share your feelings and emotions! I don't know how to feel because while reading some parts I felt like I wanted to shake right along with you! I am so encouraged to know God has won all the wars! Yes satan is clever and will use anything to get us away from Jesus but God ALWAYS prevails if we are willing to ask and accept the grace that is available! I am in a Beth Moore Bible study too(The tabernacle, which is awesome too) and we do prayer requests at the end, our group has been praying for your family ever since!!! One thing I have learned is about God providing manna("grace") every morning but if we are not willing to go outside of our little "tent" to get it then we cannot blame God for not providing!! There are some days I do not go out of my tent to get it I think I can handle the day myself but it does not take long before I realize I cannot do it alone!! Praise Him and glory to God for providing a new supply EVERY DAY!!! I know you don't know me very well but I am thankful to be your "sister" and want to tell you I love you and will continue to pray for you and your family!!!
    Debbie Rupp (Christian)