I am struggling today. When you read this, please say a little prayer for me--thanks. Today is the 3rd month anniversary of Taylor's death. I am feeling the extreme loss and loneliness. I think we all are.It seems like it has been forever since I have seen and talked with him. I was up in his room a little while ago and was going to take some of his shirts (not the t-shirts that he wore alot, but the polo shirts) and put them over on Spencer's side. They both wore the same size shirt. When I took out a couple of them, I got a whiff of his cologne. I could not help myself, I just had to bury my face in his shirt and breathe in his "smell" for awhile, but of course I could not help by sob. Even though, it makes my heart ache unbelievably bad, I just had to sit there and hold his shirt in my face. It is almost like I am holding him. I sometimes wonder will my heart ache forever. I am sure that it will, but it can't possibly ache like it does today forever, or I am sure I will die of a broken heart. Jeff had a really bad day yesterday. He just cried most of the day. I tried to ask him what made it so sad, but he just kept saying it is a very bad day----. I was talking with Brooke yesterday afternoon and she was asking me if I ever get anxiety feelings. I asked what do you mean, like anxiety about Taylor. She said yes, like I can be thinking about him, and am going to tell him something, and all at once it hits me in my heart that he is gone and never coming back--it almost makes me start to shake. I said, i have them all the time. Just like I can walk by his pile of work clothes and work boots in the basement ten times and the eleventh time I walk by, I can almost crumble to the floor in pain with the thought he is never going to wear them again, I am not going to ever see him on earth again. Spencer says he has the same thoughts and feelings. Brooke says she feels like she could pick up anything in sight and throw it as hard as she could and break as many things as possible. She is probably more in the stage of anger----. I really don't feel anger, well most of the time I don't, but I feel extreme sadness and loneliness. I think we all are getting a little anxious about the holidays fast approaching. One day, I was thinking how are we ever going to make it through the holidays, especially Christmas and as I was thinking this, on WCRF they were talking about God's Grace. They said don't think ahead and wonder how am I going to get through that day, because God has not given you the Grace for that day yet and when that day comes, God will be there to give the Grace you will need to make it. I try to hang onto that thought---God will give me the Grace to make it through the holidays without Taylor being with us.
I guess the best way to explain how I feel today is this. Imagine being outside in a strange place, a place I have never been and I am by yourself, well just me and God. Not only am I in a strange place, but it is pitch dark, can't even see my hand six inches in front of my face. I have my eyes open, but can not see a single thing. I realize I am going to need some light to see my way home, which I know is the most safe place to be. I find a match in my pocket and light the candle that is in my hand. The light is Jesus. The matches are Jesus promises to me. Now, all I can see are two and sometimes only one step in front of me. I hear a bunch of strange noises off to right side of me, but it is so dark I can't see for sure if it is danger, but know it probably is (frustration, discouragement, loneliness) so I try really hard to just look straight at where the light is shining (Jesus) and take one small step at at time. Pretty soon a breeze comes along and blows out the candle (satan), now it is again pitch dark. I have lost focus and am not prepared, can't find the matches stumbling off path (fear). I stumble over a branch (anger, discouragement), but finally get the matches back out and light the candle (Jesus) again. I climb back onto the path and now I am more cautious that my flame does not go out (guarding my heart against satan's fiery darts). But of course I am not always ready for which way the wind is going to be blowing (satan) and it comes unexpectedly from a different direction and takes me off guard so I am in the dark again. This happens over and over, but the most important thing for me to remember is to have my matches ready as quickly as possible (God's memorized verses, His promises) so I can get my candle burning again and see the light (Jesus) and follow it. God will bring day light after the dark night and I will see much more clearly (the valley of grief is lessening) and I will continue on to the safety of home (heaven). I just have to remember that in Exodus 14:14--God says, "The Lord will fight for me, I need only to be still"
When this first happened and we were in the mist of horror, Spencer's friend, Kayla, was with him alot. She came those day and sat with him, Sometimes they would be talking quietly with each other, sometimes she would just sit quietly by him. She was a great comfort to him. He felt her support in the misted of this tragedy. She even went to the funeral home with him and supported him on that horrible Tuesday. I thought to myself, she is being a good friend, because what 15 year old kid would want to be in the middle of so many tears, and horror, most would have ran or just wanted to talk on the phone or even just tex each other. She stuck close to him through it all, and even now she talks to him often. She told him the other day, that she had a dream that she, Brooke and Spencer were together and then Brooke, Spencer were over talking with someone else and she was just standing by herself and when she turns around, there stood Taylor. He smiled at her and started to walk over to give her a hug, but she was confused and said to him, "what are you doing here," but then she decided to walk over and hug him, but he moved out of her reach,and said instead with a smile "Thanks for being so good to him (Spencer)", she started to cry and when she looked again, Taylor just disappeared. I asked Spencer did that make you want to cry and he said yes, then we started to talk, do you think Taylor can see certain things here on earth. We didn't know, but then I put some more thought into it. Like it says in Luke 15:10 "I tell you there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents". It does not speak of rejoicing by the angels but in the presence of the angels. So, do you think is it God and the saints doing the rejoicing. So, maybe God does let the saints look down and see the good things people do. I am so thankful for all the good things people have done for us. There has been and hopefully will continue to be many many prayers for us. I am just amazed at the compassion of God's servants. We continue to get cards every week, many are from people who already have sent at least one card. They just want us to know they care, and are thinking and praying for us daily. We have people still bring us dinner, at least once a week. That is very much appreciated, because I am not that much into cooking anyway, but now, I could care less, but for some reason they all seem to get hungry around here anyway :). Taylor's friends amaze me also. Even though, it has been three months and their lives have gone one---what young person wants to dwell on death very long, but they have not gotten Taylor out of their minds and hearts not even a little bit. Every time I go out to his grave, there is almost always something new they left there. Somebody left an IH belt buckle and an IH tractor both which Taylor would have loved---Some have gotten tattoo's in the memory of Taylor. Some have gotten crosses, or maybe his racing number, or just in loving memory of Taylor Gasser tattooed on their bodies. They plan never to forget Taylor. This all touches my heart deeply. One of Spencer's friends sends him each month a gift card to one of his favorite places to eat, like McDonald's, Wendy's, Subway. We don't know who some of you are, but whether we know you or not, we want to thank each and every one of you who have been so compassionate and kind. You will never know what it means and feels like for us to know others are right here with us, holding us up even when we feel like we can barely stand. Also I want to thank all who take the time and effort to make comments on this blog or e-mail, it is a real encouragement to me. I was going to write about that first week after the funeral, but I am already too sad and this is so long already, I will next time.