Today is a beautiful fall day, but I have realized when it comes to grieving it really does not matter if it is raining or sunny. Grieving is a something I never would have understood. I would have thought each day, I would have moved along the path of grieving step by step a little further, but instead it is more like I can be walking along and pretty soon something knocks me down and when I get up, I can feel like I am at square one in the grieving process again. Every memory is so painful, that I can hardly stand to look or think of any of them. Sometimes, I don't even know what triggers it, I can just get up in the morning and feel like I am at the bottom of the grieving process and feel like it just all happened yesterday. Just like yesterday, I got up and yes it was a beautiful day, but I could hardly notice, because my heart was so sad and all I could think about was Taylor. I would have one memory after another coming into my mind all day, making me sadder and sadder. Even though I know this is God's perfect plan, I miss and ache for Taylor's presence terribly. God does give me Grace to get through the day, and i am usually very glad when i can lay my head on the pillow and the day is over, because God usually does not let me have more than one day like that at a time. In fact, as i am writing this now, I am downloading the Bluffton tapes onto my i-pod. I usually shut off the music while I am doing it, but it does just come on by itself sometimes. On two different sermons that I was downloading the music came on and guess what song it was both times. Yes, Amazing Grace---if you remember God has gotten me through this terrible experience more than one on this song. God is picking me up and holding me today. Just like God says in the Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves me who is crushed in spirit----that is exactly how some days I feel---crushed in spirit, but I know God is close to me. Like yesterday, I was listening to another sermon from Bluffton and they were singing "Just over the River", as I was listening to the words they touched my heart. Just in part of this song---"I am told this is the city of God: Its gates are of pearl and its streets are of gold---Jesus my Saviour has gone to that city to prepare mansions of many. In that city are loved ones awaiting my coming. Expectant they stand on that shore, where the streets are paved with pure gold. I can imagine Taylor standing there on those shores with streets of pure gold, when I get there to meet me and that is a great thought. That is where my mind need to be fixed, and alot of the time it is, but humanly I find my heart aching for all loses of Taylor. I miss his smirky smiling face, his funny personality--he could make anybody laugh,even when I was in a bad mood, he could make me smile and even all the messes he made that I use to complain about---i would gladly clean them up. I heard this which I thought was interesting. They said for believers this life here on earth will be the closest they ever come to Hell and for the unbelievers this life on earth is the closes they will ever come to Heaven. What a thought---if I thought this is the closes I was going to get to heaven, I would be in the depths of depression and never come out of it, but in all reality that statement is so scary, but so true.
The Sunday after the funeral, I could not decide if i wanted to go to church or not, but staying home sounded terrible also. I did not know what if anything sounded good. So, we did decide to go. We went late, because i did not feel like talking to lot of people. As we were pulling up to the front doors, I could feel myself thinking this is probably not a good idea. As I was getting out of the car, I felt like I could break down into a puddle of tears and when I opened those front doors, all I could see in my mind was Taylor laying there in his casket and people all over the place, and us getting ready to close the lid. I was fighting to keep some kind of control. Diane was right inside the door and so was Ricki which helped and most everybody else was already in church. i fought the whole day not to fall into a puddle of tears. Diane, Ricki, Martha Lou all pretty much just stayed in a group. I really did not talk to very many people, which for that Sunday was good, because I could not talk about any of it without just sobbing. Right after church, I left and came home feeling like I was whipped and just wanted to go to bed. We did go to Max's for supper that night, in fact we go there almost every Sunday night and spend time with them and their kids. That is a great support and comfort because i think we were all there and experience this tragedy one way or another from the very first moment it happened. That has bonded us very deeply as a family and for that I am very thankful. We spent alot of the evening just talking about all our emotions, thoughts and feelings. We even at one point got out Diane's photo album and looked at pictures of Taylor. I am not sure we were ready for that, or if I was ready for that----it made my heart even ache more. He looked so live and happy in them, and all I could think about was, that is all I have left are pictures, well of course memories too--- but how very sad.
Diane, Max and some of their kids decided to go out to the accident site on that Sunday afternoon. I was not ready to deal with that yet---i knew that would be an emotional time and I was not even handling the emotions I was having very well. Diane said, it was a surreal experience. It was peaceful place, a little stream--water going between a couple of rocks. She said she was thinking this is the place that Taylor took his last breath here on earth, then she said to her kids, just think an angel, or an heavenly beam came to this very spot, it didn't touch the ground, but came very close and picked Taylor's soul up. Probably said, Ok Taylor it is time for you to come with me-----Did Taylor know he died---probably---he probably thought, Oh, no, mom was right when she said this was dangerous and I could get killed on it, she will be so sad. Did his spirit hoover above his body and see all that was happening at least for a little bit----it is possible, but of course we will never know. Amber when out to the site very soon after it happened and put a very nice cross that said--Taylor Gasser on one T and We love and miss you on the other on. Thank you Amber---it is marked where Taylor died. Some of his friends went out also and put mulch and another cross with flowers all around it. In Brooke's tribute she said how Taylor loved tractors, so somebody put two little red tractor's out there by the cross. They put a picture of Taylor and a couple of his friends out there too. Again, I have to say, Taylor touched alot of hearts. We are all grieving for this kid that always had a smile on his face and never wanted anyone to be sad, but we are looking forward to seeing him one day, and it may be sooner than we think!!