In our Beth Moore study today, she told us to memorize four verses. I can memorize one, and maybe two, but four is a stretch for me, but thought I would look them up anyway. I found they are verses that have much meaning, so I started to memorize the first verse. My day was starting out not terrible, but just felt really sad, and satan always likes to bring just a little bit of doubt in with one thing or another, and Thanksgiving getting so close didn't help any. I know there are many things I am thankful for, but there is also a very big hole in my heart that I need God to fill, and He promises that He will do that in Phil. 4:13. I had to think, praising God always brings Him closer, so I started with this first verse to memorize which is Daniel 2:20 which says "Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever, wisdom and power is His. As I said it over and over all the way to the rec. Center. I had it memorized plus i did feel God's nearness by the time I got there. The one thing that satan likes to torment me with is the thought---is Taylor really in Heaven. I know God has shown me many times that he is, but satan can win this battle with me and bring doubt back into my mind more often that i like to admit. I have read the book "90 minutes in Heaven" which is very good----and makes it so you can't wait to get there---the beauty and Peace of Heaven, but I also have read "23 minutes in Hell" The author made his point that is somewhere you do not want to be, not for one minute let alone for eternity. Those thoughts of Hell grab me by the throat and won't let go. It can put such fear in me, and again, satan has won the battler---fear is straight from him and he loves it when I am there. God will give me peace that Taylor is with him, but then satan will slowly work his way back into my mind and steal it away. I know God must get so tired of showing me the same thing over and over again, but He is a patient God and He very kindly showed me again today. I was working out at the Rec Center and listening to a sermon from Ron. He was talking about when Christ was going to the cross and Peter was by the fire saying he did not know who Christ was and the rooster crows on the third time. Ron said, it was early morning and the roosters should all have been crowing, but God had them all silent, except for the exact one at the exact place God picked out for this rooster to crow. It was all orchestrated by our Sovereign God. I wasn't even thinking about it at the time, but God brought the thought, or actually, He spoke Himself to me---He said just like that phone call I had Craig make to you about Taylor being a Christian----I had my Hand in that from the beginning, I orchestrated each event of that morning. Even after God spoke to me, I still wanted to say, but Taylor never proclaimed Your name to Me, why would he not do that, but before I could get that whole thought completely out, I quickly said a little prayer of satan get behind me, in Jesus's name. Just as i was saying Amen, my attention goes back to Ron in his sermon, and he is saying (again, God really speaking through Ron) that satan wants to sift us like flour. Jesus told Peter I am praying for you, Peter. Satan wants to sift your soul, which is just what satan wants to do with me. Satan comes in the way of fear and doubt and when we let that happen satan then has control, control of our thoughts, and emotions, and when that happens I will lose any testimony in praising God's Name, because I am lost in fear and discouragement. There are no accidents---God has a plan and that Plan is perfect. Jesus is praying for me just like He did for Peter. He prays for my faith to be strong, just like He did for Peter's faith. How can I lose when Jesus is praying for me----I know it is possible----satan is powerful, but Jesus is ALL powerful, so I am on the winning side even if I sometimes don't see it.
Another thought that Ron said which i hope will help me through Thanksgiving. He said when Christ was on the cross He was not focused on all the ones that flogged Him, or the ones that pounded the nails into His hands, His focus was on His Father and doing His Father's will and soon He would be sitting on the right hand of His Father. Point being, not to let myself focus on all the horrible things that has happened in the last three months, but to think on what all God has done for me----He has carried me more than I have walked in these last three months. He has provided much comfort through support Groups, friends, family. and He said he will one day turn my mourning into Gladness. One last thought in Luke 22:30, Jesus says "that we may eat and drink at My table in My Kingdom ", now that will be a feast.