Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Monday after Funeral

This Monday should have been the first day of school for Spencer and Brooke, neither one of them went. Jeff did go off to work. He said what am I going to do at home. I could barely crawl out of bed on this Monday morning, but I could not stay in bed either. It seemed as soon as I would wake up, my mind went into over drive. My mind was going from the horror of the accident to trying to learn how to live with out Taylor. Like Max had said, now we need to find a "new normal", but just what did that look like. I have found my mind only lets me accept tiny bits of this "new normal" at a time, and then my mind would shut down. I think that is probably a safety device that God gave humans in times of tragedy, because if my mind could have accepted the whole concept that Taylor was gone forever, I would have crawled into bed and covered up and probably still be there today. They told us in the support class it will take 6 to 9 months for your mind to fully comprehend the loss. I truly believe that to be true. I sometimes still can not "believe" Taylor is out in the Apostolic Cemetery and not just away at school or out with his friends. We have all talked about this and each one of us have said the same thing. I finally do get up that morning, the kids are still in bed. The first thing I see are all those flowers, and a knife goes into my heart---they are beautiful, but I can't see the beauty of them as of yet all I see is death. I just walk over to where his senior picture is and just stand there and stare at it. My eyes see it, but my mind can not grasp "he is gone", but some part of my heart must get it, because I just sit in a chair and sob. I think how many tears can a person cry, I have cried so many tears in that week, I thought I could become dehydrated. I thought, I would put the clothes away that was in the laundry basket, because somebody had done the laundry while they were here at the house. I was slowly putting it away, when I just had to give out a moan. I came to Taylor's clothes that had been washed and folded up. There was his socks, underwear, T-shirts. I just sat on the bed and held them with tears running down my face. Can I truly believe I am putting them in his drawer for the last time. I have to put them away, it would be to utterly hard to pack them up already. I finally stumble off the bed and walk into his room and open his drawers and put them away---my mind had shut down for a bit---just like he would be wearing them again soon. As I am standing in his room, I seen all his work clothes and work boots that he had taken off that Saturday afternoon before he took a shower to get ready to leave. Nobody had been in that room much since the accident. Taylor was one never to be too neat, so they were all on the floor in a heap. I knew I could not leave them there----they were so much Taylor I could hardly stand to look at them, let alone touch them. i very slowly walked over to pick them up, but instead, I just stood there and stared at them and sobbed some more. I finally got the courage, or I guess I should say God gave me the strength to lean over and pick them up. I could smell "Taylor" in them which just made my heart break more, if that was even possible. I carried them to the basement and layed them in a pile where Taylor was suppose to put his dirty clothes (but of course Taylor was too much in a hurry to get out with his friends---and I was not here to remind him of that little chore, so they all were left in his room :) )When I got to the basement with them, I just leaned against the washer and thought, "this can't possible be true---this all has to be a bad nightmare, and I will wake up very soon, but a little voice kept say, but it is true. i think at this point, people's prayers were carrying me, because I was mostly just moaning and groaning when talking with God----I know the Holy Spirit was interceding for me, and for that I am very thankful. Later in the day, Spencer and I went to register him at school. He thought it might be better if he went to school and get back involved with soccer. When we got to his locker, he wanted to try the combination out to make sure he could get it opened. When he did open it, somebody had put a note in there with a bag a skittles. It almost make him cry, somebody was thinking about him. We got many more cards in the mail that day, people would stop by to give us food, just to visit or may be give me a book on grieving---which these books have been very informative. I have learned a lot from each book. Jeff came home from work and said, it was a hard day. He spends alot of time driving Rohrer's truck and has a lot of time to think. The best part of those first days was when it was time to go to bed. God usually let sleep come, which I was very thankful for---that was the only time of the day, that Taylor was not on my mind. When mornings came, it was like picking up a 110 pound bag of rocks and putting it around my neck to start the day. God was always near and He would give me comfort through out the day, either by somebody calling, giving me verses, somebody talking on WCRF, but sometimes it was just hard to heard God, I was so consumed with grief.

Now that we are a little further down the road, I am not quite in the depths of grieving, which at first was all my waking hours, it is still alot, but maybe not all my waking hours, so I can hear God a little bit clearer. Today as I was working out, God was trying to give me a little bit better picture of just how much He loves me. I always knew He loved me, but I think He wanted me to see it on a little bit different level. It was like He said I gave my Son freely, yes you lost your son, but would you have given him freely. Of course my answer is No, I love Taylor so much, how could I have given him freely. God said, I love mine too, and not only did I give Him freely, I watched Him being flogged, spit on, thorns smashed on his head, made fun of, rejected, and crucified on that Cross, but the hardest part of all was when I had to turn my back on Him while He was taking on the sins of the world----He felt so forsaken by Me, that He did not even call me Father, but My God, My God. And I would do this all for just one soul. Yes, you lost your son, but he was loved by many, he died quickly, he never was forsaken, in fact, I sent an angel to get him and bring him back to my Son, who welcomed him into the gates of Heaven. No, you had no choice, but I (God) did have a choice and I chose to do all this so you and every body that will believe on My Son would have a way of Salvation and live with Me eternally. Just ask me and I will help you through your grieving----You know my promise "Never will I leave you nor forsake you" (Heb: 13:5). I think God wanted me yet to included this verse. i was thinking of it, but didn't know for sure where to find it, and I just sorta opened the Bible and it opened right to it. Ephesians 3:18 "May you have power together with all the saints to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge" Yes, I had a very bad day yesterday, but God never lets me down very long. He always has a way to get my attention back on Him. I love Jesus with all my heart, but I still can not really truly understand that depth of love----to give Your Only Beloved Son, but am so thankful that He chose to do that. And also I want to thank you all for your extra prayers, I am sure that helped bring me closer back to Jesus.

1 comment:

  1. i am going to attempt to get this message to you. Please know you are in our prayers, both Jim and I. Your journal is amazing and a strength to all of us who are reading it. This is from Diane Koehl (the second, although I have had this name the longest now)