This is the Wednesday after the funeral.
Each day getting out of bed is very hard. As soon as I wake up, I feel this terrible dread filling my heart and soul. I have a 11 x14 senior picture in the hall right outside my bedroom door, I just stand there and stare at it. I touch his face and think-- I really can not believe you are gone. I don't know how I will make it through this day, actually i think how will I make it to the next minute. Brooke is still home, she does not go back to school until Monday, which does help alittle. They get a sub to take her place for the first week. We don't like staying around the house---there are memories of Taylor everywhere, so Brooke, I, Diane, and her girls decide to go to Amish country to just get out. We go to Walnut Creek and eat there, well they eat, I just sorta sit there and try to focus on what the conversation is, but my mind wants to keep saying over and over again---Taylor is gone!!! After they are done eating we go into a store across the street that carries alot of the P. Graham Dunn stuff. I found a really neat key chain that said "Fix your eyes on Jesus". That had become another favorite verse of mine--"God will keep me in perfect peace, when my eyes stay focused on Jesus." When I said how much I liked that saying, April bought it for me. A few days later the chain broke. At first I thought I will take this back and get another one, but God had a different plan for that little key chain. Brooke said why don't you just carry the little wooden plaque with the saying on it in your pocket. The thought came to me, that is a good idea, and every time I put my hands in my pockets I will feel this plaque and remember to keep my eyes on Jesus. So, now I rarely go out of the house without this little plaque firmly planted in my pocket. It helps me to keep focus on Jesus' face when my mind wants to go everywhere but Jesus's face. We did have a nice day, well as nice as could be expected for somebody in deep grieving. When we get back home, I was looking through all the cards that had come that day, when I came to something for Gillman's. As i opened it, I just knew what it was going to be and I didn't want to look at it. It was Taylor's death certificate. I just went and sat on a chair and held it in my shaking hands with more tears running down my cheeks. It was one more thing that made reality so heart wrenching true. Even if I wanted to pretend, maybe just for a little while, that Taylor was away at college instead of being gone forever, this death certificate in my hand made reality crystal clear. I sat there reading every last detail, with tears running down my cheeks. I just stared at his name typed on top and thought how many times had I written than name on things, and how I will never be doing that again. As I read it, I seen he had died with in minutes of impact. It said he died of head injuries. It had his age 20 years old. Just way to young to die. I had to think, Taylor, if you were not in such a hurry and would have worn your helmet, would it have made a difference. I really can't go there for long, because we will never know that answer, so I just have to go back to thinking God's plan is perfect and it just was not to be. They said his neck was broken, so maybe if he would have lived he would have been paralyzed. But satan came along not too many days ago. One day last week, Brooke was in school, they had a speaker come to talk about something----anyway at lunch, this speaker guy and a few of the teacher were in the lounge eating, when this guy told a story. He said his very good friend had a terrible accident and broke his neck and was in terrible shape, They did surgery and put some kind of plate in his neck and after much recovery time, he is fine---out walking and living life normal. When she told me this story, we both looked at each other and said "Just why could that not be Taylor". There is satan again, bring his tool of discouragement and anger----I thought, we have a choice we can let him (satan) take root and dwell on that guy's friend living life and Taylor had to die, or open the door and kick him (satan) out and say, God knows what He is doing, even if we don't like it now, but someday we will understand and know God did what was best for Taylor. It all comes down to faith. Do I have the faith to believe that God always knows best. I know this sounds crazy, of course God knows best. I do have to admit (sorry to say) I do struggle with putting my other two kids totally in God's hands. Satan likes to come whispering in my ear---you prayed so hard that God would put angels around Taylor and protect him, keep him safe----and look how that prayer turned out----. One night Brooke did not come home when I thought she should have been home and I could feel the panic flooding into my soul. I was so filled with fear, actually it got so bad, all I could think about was a cop coming to our door and saying she has been in an accident and was killed. I was almost paralyzed with fear----and guess what,-- just who's tool is that---yes satan had me by the throat. So. I realize I have to choose what I am going to do to stop this fear, ---or satan will always have control of me and I will end up living in constant fear where my kids are concerned. It was said in one of my grieving books very well--Sovereign God, I choose hope, I choose faith, I choose life. Please give me an unshakable faith in You, Jesus. This is my prayer, but I know this is much easier said than done, but it is a choice I will need to make each and every day-- and truth be told, I am sure I will fail many times----I will need to make a conscience effort to place my kids back into God's hands and trust Him with their lives. Pray I can do that with all my heart, mind and soul.
Diane and I went out to the cemetery today and decided to put up a new picture of Taylor and put some new greenery on the cross that Amber made, and then we put two poinsettia out by his grave. All the while we were doing this, I had to keep reminding myself, he really is not here. He is going to be celebrating Thanksgiving with you, Jesus this year. Yes, we are going to miss him like crazy and probably cry many tears, but like somebody e-mailed me and said, you are grieving Taylor, but Taylor is rejoicing. Pray that we can keep that thought in our hearts and minds, and not let our hearts and minds go to all that we are missing. After we left there, I took Diane home and Spencer and I went out to the accident site to put a poinsettia there. Again it just amazes me how there are always new things there almost every time I go. There were some fresh flowers in a vase, a very nice note somebody had written and put in a baggie along with a key chain from Summit racing, two little figurines. These were all new since I was there a week or so ago. This is not counting the things that were already there. While we were there Mr. Rheem was going by on his tractor and stopped to talk with us. He said that in the next couple of weeks we can come out and take a little corner of his field, which is right there where it happened and move all these things up higher so they do not wash away this winter. He said we can do whatever we want with that corner. We are not sure what we will do with it yet, probably have his friends involved and see what they want to do with it. I can not believer all what Taylor's friends have done to remember him. Mr Rheem said he goes by this place several times a day, and said there are new things all the time. He said kids are stopping and putting things there all the time or maybe just sitting there visiting the site. Again, Taylor, I love you and miss you more than you will ever know, but then it seems alot of your friends are missing you more than I would ever have thought. Taylor--you touched so many lives in life, but you also touch many many lives in death. I can't wait to see you and Jesus on that day I meet you on The Far shores of Jordan.