Monday, October 19, 2009

I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me

It is Monday morning, and all are off to work and school. I am all alone, well not really alone, God is always just a whisper away. Luann e-mailed last night and said to pray for Tim and Joan Reinhart from Peoria, which are living in Haiti right now doing God's work being missionaries. She said that their 5 year old son was killed yesterday in an accident on the way to church. She also said that 11 years ago another son of theirs drowned--he was eighteen months at the time. When I read this, I found myself starting to shake, I could feel the horror all over again. I wanted to scream---God, what are you doing here---you said, you work ALL things to the good for those who love you and been called according to Your purpose---How can this possibly be a good thing. They are doing Your work---spreading Your word, then to take two of their kids. I could feel another one of satan's favorite tools taking a hold of me (FEAR). I found myself thinking if God took one of my kids, surely He would not take another one, but found I am filled with fear about that. I know this sounds so silly, but I found myself thinking, I prayed so hard for Taylor and God took him anyway, now to truly place my other two kids in God's hands and close the door on fear is very difficult for me. But in my heart of heart's I do know that God has their very breath in His hands and wants to do what is best for each of them. Maybe the true Fear comes in thinking, I would never make it through another tragedy like that----doubting God's Grace. Anyway, God seen all the fear that was starting to take root in my mind and heart and He had me open to Psalm 91:4-5 this morning--God will cover me with His feathers, and under His wings I will find refuge. His faithfulness will be my shield. I will not fear the terror of night nor the arrow that flies by day. I just thought how comforting, I thought if I am under His wing, I am very close to His heart and what better place to be-----He is my shield, and He will give me the Grace to get through all things. I have to say, though, fear is knocking on my door quite often, just ask my other two kids---I would like at times for them to live in a bubble. Just like Spencer was about to get his driver's licenses when this all happened with Taylor. He still has not gotten them. I just said the other day, maybe you should just wait to get them, I don't think I can take the stress of you driving yet too. I think he gets it even better than me at times----or maybe he just wants his license, but anyway he says "mom, you know my days are numbered just like Taylor's were". He heard us so often say, God knew the day Taylor was born, just how many days he had here on earth, it really was no accident in God's eyes, it was His perfect plan. It was that Taylor's work here on earth was finished. Spencer will get his license, and I will need to put him totally in God's hands every time he leaves the drive way---cause like Spencer says----God already knows his days.

Ok, I will go back now to the morning of Taylor's viewing. I get out of bed thinking how will I ever get through this day. I felt so weak, and exhausted before the day even had begun. Diane and I use to say how terrible will that be when we have to stand in that receiving line when either mom or dad die, never in my worst nightmare did it ever enter into my mind that it would be my own son. We all got up, and slowly moved around, nobody saying a word. We were all in our own thoughts. I really can't remember much what happened in that morning. Diane, Max, and all her kids came over for lunch----nobody ate much. We talked some about Taylor, but mostly just quiet. Some people came and stayed at the house when got ready to leave. We left about 12:45 to go the fellowship hall. As we drove into the drive, I thought I will never see this place the same again. As much as I hate to say this, I will go there as little as possible, at least for a long time. We get out of the car, this is going to be Mark and Matt's first time in seeing Taylor, all the rest have seen him several times, but of course it that does not make this any easier. Matt just walks around outside for awhile, before he can come in. I know at this time I am no longer walking on my own, Jesus is now carrying me---there are only one set of footprints in the sand and they are not mine. We walk in the door, and i am walking very slowly, because I know as soon as I turn that corner, I am going to see something no mother ever wants to see, her son in the casket. We walk around the corner, and yes, it almost takes my breath away, because there he is laying in that casket. My heart is breaking in a million pieces,I am thinking-- how will I ever make it without him in my life---yes Jesus is right there with me weeping along side me--I can almost feel this. We walk slowly by all the flowers and there are some beautiful ones, but I could hardly notice. The Sunday school class gave us a big black plaque with one of my favorite verses----BE STILL AND KNOW I AM GOD. I have that on the entertainment center with some of his pictures now. We all go up by the casket to see him again. Brooke and I lean over him, and Brooke is touching his cheek and hair, and we are talking to him. Then we say to each other, if we look close you can even see that famous little smirk he always had on his face. Jeff's family come alittle bit later and they all go through and see him. This is their first time, so it is very emotional for all. The viewing was not to start until 2:00, but already there was a line, so at about 1:35 they open the doors to let people in. That can almost be a blur. I do remember hearing time and time again, There are no words to say, I liked that, because there were no words for such tragedy. The very best thing to hear was, I am praying for you and I will continue to pray for a long time. I could look into some people's eyes and their eyes said it all---they did not need to say a word. Some people told Diane, they(jeff and I) think this is bad, it will get much worse. I had to think on that, I don't know if I would say much worse, but it is just as bad. That was horror, and shock, yes a nightmare beyond words, but afterwards, there is such sadness and loneliness-- that is indescribable, for example, some days you think, I just have to see and talk with him, but knowing in your heart that is never going to happen on earth. That too is a nightmare, but just a different kind of pain. As time went by, the line was getting longer and longer. I started to see people coming from Illinois. I was happy to see them all, but it really tore at my heart when I seen Mom and dad coming in with my cousins. They were the ones I seen on that Sunday morning right after it happened before we left Illinois. Warren and his two girls came through---that was very hard. We were to leave for supper at four, but that did not happen, it was five or so. In the line was Jeff, Me, Spencer, Brooke, Diane and Max. Diane should have found another place to stand, because Mr. Gillman kept blaming her that the line was moving so slow---I am not sure what he expected, but how would anyone tell people to hurry up through the line after they waited hours to get through it. Anyway, he would look at Diane and point at his watch and say, it is so hot out there in the line, those old people are not going to make it. She was not sure what to do about that, because there I was telling anybody that would listen to me about that phone call from Craig, and making sure anyone that wanted the flier had one. Yes, my heart was breaking in a million pieces, but I still had that joy in my heart that God was sooooo merciful in answering my prayer and showing us through His Amazing Grace and His blood, Taylor was rejoicing in Heaven with Jesus at that very moment. At five o'clock, I guess somebody decides it is time to go for supper, but who was hungry, certainly not me---maybe that is why I felt so weak----anyway, mom, dad, warren, and all of us went up to the casket to take a closer look, because mom and dad could not stand in that line. It was a very emotional time, with all of us there. I think all of us were still in shock, how can Taylor, the boy that was so active and always with a smile on his face, actually be laying so still and now so cold right in front of us. We then left to go back to the church for supper. I felt very drained, but knew God was carrying me----I knew that without a doubt. Like Diane said to me later, that week was so terrible, but we have never felt God so close. Each night as we knelt beside our beds, we gave Him praise, because we seen Him everywhere. One example was Dad made it out here---seven long hours, usually driving makes him very dizzy, but he was fine. He felt good. Many people drove long hours to stand in long lines to show their love and support to us, I truly want to thank you all.
If anyone reading this would like to leave a comment or a thought, or maybe what God has done in your life, I would like that, and it would be appreciated. I will continue with the rest of this day next time.

1 comment:

  1. deb, we can understand just a little bit of your pain as craig and i also stood beside the tiny casket of our beautiful little holly.i also could not deal with getting her something to wear-i sent my sisters to get her a white christening dress and little bonnet. she truly was an angel in white. people said be glad you know she's in heaven, but i wanted her with us! those words did not help at the time. now we can say that and mean it, but it took a long time... prayers are with you all continually. gale