Wednesday, October 21, 2009
It was a beautiful day today, probably Indian summer. Diane and i went for a two mile walk before we even started to clean our office---ya, we were tired before we even started, sure hope we did a good job. I was going to finish Taylor's viewing day, but did not feel up to that trauma tonight. Even though it was beautiful today, I had some very sad moments. A couple of days ago, Jeff decided to get Taylor's truck out from under the trees in the back yard, where it has been since the accident. Jeff brought it up and we cleaned it out. It was rather sad going through all his stuff. He had his sunglasses hanging on the sun visor, and every once in a while you would get a whiff of his cologne that he wore. There was a can of it in there, and he probably used it when he didn't have time to shower :)---too busy with life for a shower. Staci came yesterday and gave me some more pictures of Taylor and all of them riding. I love looking at them, but have to say they make me very sad,because they are recent pictures and it looks like he should be walking through the door at any moment. I put them on face book and looked at them for a long time, then went off to bed. I couldn't sleep, all I could think about was how much I am missing him and how much we lost. No, Taylor did not lose anything, but he did gain everything. It is us that are mourning for ourselves, all we will miss with him not in our lives. It was like I was at the beach today, and the waves were rather rough. They came in and would hit me at knee level and end up knocking me off balance more than once today. This afternoon when it was so beautiful, I decided to pull out some of my flowers and pull weeds. Jeff had used Taylor's truck today because his was being serviced, and when he pulled into the drive, and I looked up from pulling weeds, it almost took my breath away. I felt my heart really start to ache, but when he got back into Taylor's truck and drove down the lane, I could feel that wave coming in again, only this time it hit me so hard the water went clear over my head. I just stood looking at that truck going down the road and just sobbed. The only thing that wasn't Taylor about that truck, was that it was not spinning gravel all over as it drove out the lane :). I felt weak today, like I could get lost in the grief. After Spencer was home for awhile, and we were talking, I asked him how his day was going. He said he did not have a very good day---he said he was not sure why, but in study hall he just started thinking about the day of Dawn's wedding and how it lead up to Taylor's accident that night. He said he was very sad too. Brooke came home saying she was not feeling well---which is no surprise lots of sick kids in school. Anyway, I talked to her awhile, then went out to pull more weeds----she in the mean time left. When she got home several hours later, she looked really bad---eyes all red and sorta swollen---I said I think you do have the flu bug, sure hope it isn't the swine flu, your eyes look "sick". I later felt terrible, when she told me she was out visiting Taylor at the cemetery. I was trying to figure out why on such a beautiful day, did we all have such a sad day. I know not nearly as many people as when it first happened are praying for us---and yes that is normal---life happens--new things to pray about----but yes it is scary when I think what will it be like when less and less people are praying for us. So, Please anybody that is reading this, please continue to pray for us. I think I will go to bed now and pray for a better day tomorrow. I know God was there wanting to fill my needs today, but for some reason I did not feel Him close to me . Satan probably won the battle today, but he will not win the war---well I hope not---Jesus help me to be on the winning side.