Today is Brooke's 25th birthday. I can't believe it has been 25 years ago, that I was holding that tiny black haired baby in my arms. Bev came over and brought Brooke a bunch of balloons. She said she did not want to bring flowers, and she was right. As beautiful as flowers are, right now they just hold a lot of bad memories.
I have found that my relationship with Jesus is much different than what it was six months ago. I thought I had a close relationship with Him, but now it is like I am hanging on to Him every minute of every day. I have conversations with Him all day long, because i know that is the only way I am going to make it through the day. As strange as it may sound, the closer I get to Jesus, the closer satan gets to me. Satan likes to get out his favor tool---discouragement---to use on me. I can fall into that trap easily, especially if I have loosened my grip on Jesus. Diane and i were cleaning the dentist office today and we usually take several breaks---we tire easily, so we need breaks :). If the grief counseling person is correct when she says talking through the tragedy time and time again will be healing, Diane and I should be the first ones healed, because we have talked it through many times. Today, though satan was present and brought his favorite tool with him---discouragement. As we were talking I found myself asking just why did God pick my birthday, and Dawn's wedding day for this horrible tragedy to happen on. There are 364 other days of the year why that day. But what really hit me hard was when I started to think and talk about that fateful night. I told Diane if mom and dad were not back in that bedroom sleeping I would have screamed at God when i heard that Taylor was gone. I would have screamed why Taylor, I prayed so hard for him, I prayed constantly for him. I prayed, or more like pleaded with God not to take Taylor unprepared or unsaved and at this point I did not know where Taylor was----so why God, would you do that. Brooke has even said, she wanted to scream, why did you not take me---I know where I am going and so did everybody else. You could have taken me last week in my accident---why Taylor. As we were talking about this, I found myself thinking again, God why did you take Taylor---I prayed so hard for guarding angels to protect him. About this time, my cell phone rings and i look at the number and realize I don't know the number so was not going to answer it. Then I think, oh, that might be Amber's new number, so i do answer it. It was Spencer's driving teacher and she asks how we are doing, and i say one day at a time, but at that moment, I was thinking, it is more like one moment at a time, but her next comment is what caught my attention, she says, remember God is in control. When i hung up, and told Diane what she said, Diane said, just listen to what she said-----God is in Control. It was like God was calling me himself, and saying---I know this is terrible, I know you are grieving, but remember I can see the whole picture, and Yes I am in Control!! Satan was defeated at that moment, he had to take his favorite tool and exit, because God stepped in and got my focus back where it should always be---God does not make mistakes---His plan is perfect. Like Diane said she prays every day that she will have eyes and ears to hear God when He speaks. I believe God speaks every day. I just need to have eyes to see and ears to hear, because satan's tool is so very well used and he knows exactly where to hit me with it, which can make me miss when God is trying to encourage me, or tell me something. I try to remember God's mercies are new each morning. I need to be looking for them each day.